The Recovery Show » Finding serenity through 12 step recovery in Al-Anon – a podcast

How do you take recovery with you when you travel? I talked with Mara about her recent experience traveling for several months, and how she kept her recovery program alive. Our conversation was very loosely guided by these questions: Did you think about how you were going to take your recovery program with you before you left home? What did you take with you? (Literature, phone numbers, meeting locations / list?) What were your expectations about what you would find at your destination (that could support your recovery)? How did you use what you brought? Did you make program calls? Text? Email? How did what happened match (or not) your expectations (of practicing recovery)? Did you attend in-person meetings? Did you attend online meetings? What did you find challenging about practicing your recovery program while traveling? How did your program help you enjoy your travel? What else would you like to share about your experience?

Do you wonder how you’re going to make it through another day with the drinking and chaos? Have you had thoughts of leaving or worse? Today we have 4 stories of living with active alcoholism or addiction. We hear personal stories from Julie, Jen, Maria, and Spencer. Each of us was given the following questions as a prompt, and although our stories are different, they are also the same. Tell me a little bit about your situation: What relationship do you have with the active alcoholic or addict? Is he or she living in your home? How long have you been living with active alcoholism? Are you still living with the alcoholic or have you separated? How long have you been attending AlAnon meetings? How long have you been working the AlAnon program, if that's different from the answer to the previous question? How are you using the tools of the AlAnon program in your situation? Which slogans do you find helpful? How do you recognize your powerlessness? What do you have power to affect or change? Are you keeping the focus on yourself first? Are you practicing detachment? With love? Are you recognizing where you have enabled the alcoholic in the past? How are you working to not enable now? Has AlAnon helped you to be less angry, sad, scared, frustrated, anxious, (add your own favorite emotion here)? What questions and issues are you struggling with now? With respect to the alcoholic? With respect to other family members such as children? With respect to yourself? With respect to the relationship you have with the alcoholic?

Do you like some meetings better than others? Do you wish all meetings would do things the same way? Do feel you should be able to do whatever you want, regardless of others? Stick around, because today, we’re going to talk about Tradition 4, which says “Each group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or Al-Anon or AA as a whole.” Spencer and Rachel talk about Tradition 4. As we do, we consider these questions and others. What does this tradition say to you about how we can and cannot conduct our meetings? What is autonomy? How might the actions of a particular group affect “Alanon or AA as a whole”? How does this tradition suggest that a group takes responsibility for their actions? How can you apply this tradition to your own life? How do you take responsibility for your own actions? How do you allow others to take responsibility for their own actions? Think about other groups you are a member of (family, affinity group, group of close friends). Do these groups follow this tradition? What would happen if they did?

Do you have trouble forgiving the alcoholic or addict in your life? Have you carried hurts long after the person who hurt you is gone from your life? How can we forgive without forgetting? Let's talk about forgiveness. Spencer and Erika share their experience, strength, and hope about forgiveness, and try to address these questions. What do the quotes that we opened the show with say to you about forgiveness? How does this compare to the way you used to think about forgiveness? Did you (or do you) think about forgiveness as giving a “free pass” to the person who hurt you? Do you now think about forgiveness as “a gift you give to yourself”? (Or can you be willing to think about it that way now?) How can forgiveness connect to the love of your higher power? What Al-Anon tools can you use to help move from anger and resentment to forgiveness? Inventory — seeing “my part” (and I there is almost always “my part” as well as “their part”) Compassion — especially helpful for me in finding forgiveness for my alcoholic loved one’s actions during her active disease. Prayer and meditation. Praying for the person I want to forgive, even if it’s just the “SOB prayer.” Seeing that the other person is a human being, with faults, and that they were doing the best they knew at the time. Setting boundaries to prevent the hurt from happening again. How can I find forgiveness for myself, for my past actions that hurt others? (Same tools?) What about “unforgiveable” behaviors? How can I let them go so that they’re not continuing to affect my serenity and continuing to drag me down?

I’ve titled today’s episode Made a Decision. I am going to relate my the story of my journey to and through Step 3, “Made a decision to turn our will and our live over to the care of God as we understood God.” I started from unbelief, was told to “act as if”, found willingness, and eventually surrendered. But still, I must give my will over on a daily basis, because I continue to try to take it back. My Story What is this “God” thing of which you speak? How can I turn my will and my life over to something I don’t believe in? “Act as if” Letting go of my loved one’s recovery (or lack thereof) The meeting and the program as my HP A later understanding of surrender -- just going to meetings Unmanageability as motivation Evidence of God working in my life Growing willingness Surrender God suggests -- sometimes I listen Daily practice What holds me back? My intellect Fear (of losing control) Desire for my outcome What pushed me forward Clear unmanageability of life Seeing it work -- when I listened My will has often led me into trouble Change requires changing -- letting go of old ways -- I can’t do it alone

If you put your loved one’s needs ahead of your own… If you feel that others’ happiness is your responsibility… If your response to “what do you want for dinner” is “what do you want?”  … Then you’ve come to the right place, because today, we’re going to talk about codependency. Spencer took this one solo, trying to follow this rough outline: * Wikipedia says “Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.” * Did you have any understanding of codependency before you came into recovery? Had you even heard of it? * When did you first hear of codependency? What did you think it meant then? * How has your understanding of codependency changed? * In what ways do you have codependent behavior? * How have you recovered from your own codependent behavior? What program tools do you use? * How do you deal with other people’s codependent behavior? * In your family? * With friends? * With co-workers? Upcoming topics include Tradition 4, forgiveness, and how to take recovery with you when you travel. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Lori McKenna: Drinkin' Problem Misty Lyn and the Big Beautiful: Drowning's Better (with your friends) Coldplay: Fix You After I finished recording, I received an email from Julia who recommended “Can't Smile Without You” by Barry Manilow as “the most codependent song ever.” It's hard to disagree:  

"... we shall hew from this mountain of despair a small stone of hope." — Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. What is hope? How do we find hope when we are overwhelmed by a mountain of despair? Spencer, Maria, and May talk about their experiences of finding hope in the midst of their times of confusion, fear, and despair. Some of the questions we used to guide our discussion included these: How did you experience hope before you came to the program? Did you “hope for” particular outcomes? Has your conception or experience of hope changed as you have worked the program? Do you see a difference between having a hopeful attitude versus an optimistic attitude? The "Stockdale paradox" is that the POWs in Vietnam who didn't survive were the optimists. In his “dream” speech, Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. said “With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope.” What does this say to you? Does faith support or engender hope for you? (Faith in a higher power, faith in the program, faith that there are good people, faith…) How can we find hope in a seemingly hopeless situation? Can hope lift us from despair, as King suggests?

Early on, I was told to practice "loving detachment." I already knew how to do "middle finger detachment," but detaching with love was a foreign concept. In this "best of" episode from February 2013, Kelli, Swetha, and Spencer share their experience, strength, and hope about this complex topic.

Spencer, Ruth, and Wendy talk about Tradition 3, which states “The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.” Ruth contributed her reading of Tradition 3 in German: "Wenn sich Angehörige von Alkoholikern zu gegenseitiger Hilfe versammeln, können sie sich Al-Anon Familiengruppe nennen, vorausgesetzt, dass sie - als Gruppe - keine andere Bindung haben. Die einzige Voraussetzung für die Zugehörigkeit ist, dass bei einem Angehörigen oder Freund ein Alkoholproblem besteht." (From http://www.al-anon.de/grund/programm/12traditionen.htm) Ruth and Spencer talked by Skype, and we then added her contributions into the conversation with Wendy. We used these questions to guide our discussions: How do you interpret the word “relatives” in this tradition? What about “alcoholic” and “alcoholism”? Does your loved one have to admit they are alcoholic before you qualify for Al-Anon? What if the alcoholic is no longer present in your life? Do you think this tradition is intended to be inclusive or exclusive? Or maybe some of both? How do you feel about including members whose loved ones are addicts to another drug or behavior? Can alcoholics and addicts qualify? How do we welcome them and keep the focus on Al-Anon at the same time? What does this tradition suggest about how our groups function? Welcoming new members? Keeping focus on Al-Anon? Who gets to decide whether someone is qualified to attend Al-Anon? Can we read this tradition to say “we don’t judge motives”? How can I use this tradition in my personal life? How can I use it at work? How can I use it in relationships?

We say “changed attitudes can aid recovery”. But how do we change our attitudes? How does it help? Spencer and Rachel talk about changed attitudes. at·ti·tude a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person's behavior. the orientation of an aircraft or spacecraft, relative to the direction of travel. We used these questions to guide our discussion: What is “attitude” anyway? Do I generally have a negative attitude or a positive attitude? Can you make deliberate changes in attitude? One definition: “Angle of approach” If you use this definition, how does this change your answer? Can you change your attitude by looking at your situation / events / other people from a different point of view? Have you changed your attitudes since coming to the program? How does a change in attitude help me to accept powerlessness? To help me see what I *can* change? To stop “taking it personally”? What tools have helped you change attitude? Steps? Slogans? Other people’s experience, strength and hope? From meetings Literature “open” talks Higher power, prayer, meditation How have changes in attitude helped you In relationships? At work? Dealing with the addict/alcoholic(s) in your live? Living?

How do I know my Higher Power’s will, which I am told to pray for in Step 11? Is Intuition the same thing? Spencer does this one solo, with written participation by Ruth and Adrienne. He starts from this outline: What is intuition? in·tu·i·tion 1. the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning. synonyms: instinct, intuitiveness 2. a thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning. How do I know the will of my higher power? Step 11: “conscious contact” through prayer and meditation Make time to listen to HP Go to meetings Calm. Gut feeling. Daily surrender (Step 3 / 7 prayers) Can intuition be the voice of my higher power? “Conscious contact” vs “instinctive / without conscious reasoning” “still small voice” What are warning signs that it is not my HP’s will? Trying to control Another person outcomes Dropping/ignoring program actions (meetings, reading, P&M) unmanageability, stress scrambling, frenetic, frantic

Spencer and Adrienne discuss Tradition 2, which says “For our group purpose, there is but one authority - a loving god as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants - they do not govern.” Which, when you think about it, is a pretty radical statement. Have you been in any other groups that functioned without “leaders”? What does it mean that our leaders are “trusted servants?” We start with a reading from the blog al-anon journal about Tradition 2. Our discussion was shaped by these thoughts and questions: From Courage to Change Page 215: We strive to conduct our meetings as a fellowship of equals and to practice rotation of leadership. No single member has the right to take charge. When I insist on having my way, I am tampering with the spiritual nature of AlAnon as a whole Any attempt to manage or direct is likely to have disastrous consequences for Group Harmony Why do we have this tradition? How can it work? Can it really work to have no one person deciding how things will be? What is a “group conscience?” How is it determined? Is this sort of like Steps 2 & 3 for the group? How can you use this tradition in your personal life? In relationships At work With friends How does Tradition 2 support Tradition 1 (welfare of the group comes first)? Does this tradition remind me to not “take charge”? What is a “trusted servant?” How do you lead without governing?

Has your loved one relapsed? Did you expect it? How did you react? Today, Spencer and Jessyca talk about Relapse. We structured our discussion around these points and questions: The disease of alcoholism and addiction is chronic, progressive, and eventually fatal. Relapse does not have to be part of the disease, but it is frequently part of the process. As friends and family members, many of us have experienced the relapse of a loved one from a period of sobriety, sometimes short, sometimes long and full of recovery. How did and how do we respond and react when a loved one relapses? What is our understanding of relapse? It is often a process in which picking up the drink or drug is the last stage. How can we support ourselves and our loved ones in relapse? And, sometimes, we relapse back to our old behavior. What is an “Al-Anon relapse”? Have you had one? What was it like, and how did you get out of it?

Michele wrote to us last week suggesting that we talk about relapse. She also offered to share her experience with us. I called her to interview her, and realized that her story was powerful and compelling. So, I changed the plan and this episode is our interview with Michele, talking about her 8 year journey as her son sank into addiction, about her journey into recovery, and about how that helped her to deal with his repeated relapses. When I wrote her to request an interview, her response included this: " Ironically, my son did relapse--just this past Saturday night, the day after I sent you my e-mail..." Listen and hear how she recognized a real change in her reaction and her response.

Have you ever wondered, “Why do I need to go to meetings? Can’t I just read the literature?” Today, Spencer and Wendy talk about Face to Face meetings and why they are important. Our discussion was guided by these questions: What resources have you used / do you use in your program? Meetings Reading Al-Anon literature Daily reader Sponsor Phone list Individual meetings with program members Small group (“AWOL”) Email Online meetings Podcasts Blogs Social media Journaling etc. How have these helped you? How is each different from the others? Could you do your program without going to meetings? What do you get from meetings that you don’t get from other resources? How does going to a meeting help others? How does it help to build a community of recovery? Has there been a time when you were unable to or just didn’t go to meetings? What did you do then?