The Recovery Show » Finding serenity through 12 step recovery in Al-Anon – a podcast

In your interactions with others, how do you find harmony? Do you sometimes feel that you are not heard? How do Concepts 4 and 5 help? Concept 4 says “Participation is the key to harmony.” and concept 5 states “The rights of appeal and petition protect minorities and insure that they be heard.” How do you understand Concept 4, “Participation is the key to harmony”? What can I do to participate more fully? When I participate in a group, do I feel more a part of it? When I feel part of a group, is it easier for me to be in harmony with its workings? Do I participate actively in my Al-Anon group? In other groups in my life? How do my relationships benefit when I participate fully in all areas of my life? How do I let others participate? What if I disagree with a decision of the majority? Can I still be heard? In Al-Anon? In my workplace? In my family? With my friends? How willing am I to listen to Al-Anon? my family? at work? How do the “rights of appeal and petition” help me find my voice when I am in the minority? Why is it important that minority opinions be expressed and heard? How has learning that I have a right to speak up changed the way I feel about myself? When is it just as important to keep my opinion to myself as it is to share it? How can concept 5 help me change how I feel about people who disagree with me? What can I do when I react negatively to someone’s opinion? How can I use steps 1-3 and “Let Go and Let God” in conjunction with these two concepts?

How do you have fun? Do you have fun? Has your concept of fun changed in recovery? Join Spencer and Brooke as we talk about fun, and hear the contributions a couple of listeners sent in via email. What does “fun” mean to you? How did you think about having fun before recovery? Could you have fun by yourself or did it have to involve others? What have you learned about having fun in your recovery? What do you to for fun? Are you able to have fun even when life is not perfect?

Do you drink? Did you drink with your alcoholic loved one? How has recovery changed how you drink? How you think about drinking? Did you stop drinking? Why? Spencer talks about his personal experience with drinking, about how he drank with his loved one, and about how that changed with recovery and how his feelings about drinking have become complicated.

Do you pray? What is prayer? How can it support your recovery? In this episode, Spencer shares his personal journey to and understanding of prayer.

Do you have trouble letting others make decisions? Do you second guess your own decisions? Spencer and Akilah discuss the "right of decision", as expressed in Al-Anon's 3rd concept of service, "The right of decision makes effective leadership possible." What is “the right of decision?” How do we use the right of decision in the program? Example from Spencer’s home group: the “chair” chooses the person who gives the lead each week. GR, delegates to assembly, etc. How do we use the right of decision in our own lives? From Paths to Recovery (pg. 265): “In our own lives, the right of decision means we have the right to proceed in the best way we know and to ask for help when it is needed.” How does this concept connect with Tradition 2? (For our group purpose there is but one authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants—they do not govern.) With Step 3? (Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.) Can I make a decision and be comfortable with it? If not, why not? Do I ever ask someone to do a task and then try to direct the details of how it should be done? If so, how can I change this pattern? The 3rd concept section of the AA 12, 12 and 12 study guide starts with the statement “We serve by acting on our conscience through our “Right of Decision” and we trust others when they exercise their ‘Right of Decision.” Am I acting in any area of my life that is contrary to my own conscience? Am I mistrustful of the decisions of others in authority over me? Am I demanding that anyone else act contrary to their conscience in order to please me? From Paths to Recovery: Is [concept three] not letting go and letting God?

What is "dry drunk"? Can an Al-Anon exhibit similar symptoms? A few weeks ago, Jennifer suggested the topic of “dry drunk.” Then Ruth mentioned how she feels when she misses a few meetings. And then, I heard a talk about “dry drunk” on the Recovery Radio Network podcast. We start with a talk from Dick S titled “Recovery is Forever: Dry Drunk Revisited”. My experience with "dry Al-Anon": My realization from the Step 3 reading in “Paths to Recovery”. “As we grow in the program, we find ourselves returning again and again to these basic principles when faced with new challenges.” The moment of truth: A co-worker's talk with me on Friday about my behavior earlier in the week. Looking back: Feeling complacent. Missing meetings. “White knuckle” My solution? Re-establish routine of prayer and meditation. Recognize the importance of meetings Say “yes” to the program!

Do you have a voice inside you that criticizes everything you do? Can you find compassion for yourself when your internal critic is harsher than what others say about you? Spencer and Brooke talk about criticism and self-compassion. Some of the questions we considered were these. How might you answer these questions? Do I have an internal critic? (Don’t we all?) How loud is it? How harsh is it? How do I react to criticism from others? How does my internal critic react to criticism from others? How does my internal critic react to praise from others? Do I find it easier to have compassion for others than for myself? How do I struggle to find compassion for myself? How do I struggle to see myself as worthy? How can seeing myself as worthy, and having compassion for my failings, help me to deal with criticism from others? What program tools can I use to make it easier to find self-compassion and self-worth? Steps 2 & 3 remind me that I have a higher power that loves me. Steps 4 and 5 encourage me to look at myself honestly and fearlessly. By sharing my faults with my Higher Power and another person, I find that I am not defined by my “defects” Steps 6, 7, 8, and 9 show me that there is a way to change and to let go of my self-criticism for past actions. Step 10 helps me to not have new things to kick myself about. Step 11 encourages me to connect more closely to my Higher Power. Meditation can help me to live in the moment instead of the past. What slogans help me? How does listening (and sharing) in meetings, or with a sponsor or program friend help? What might I say to a newcomer who is strugging with self-criticism?

Why do we (codependents) create chaos? Why do addicts create chaos? How do we find islands of serenity within chaos? You guessed it — today, we’re going to talk about chaos. Spencer, Kelli and our guest Wendy share our experience, strength and hope as prompted by these questions. What do we mean by “chaos”? How has your life been chaotic? Before coming to the program? After coming to the program? What is your reaction or response to chaos? Before the program? Now? Why do we, as co-dependents, sometimes create chaos? Why do the alcoholics and addicts create chaos? What feelings does chaos elicit in you? How did it feel in the past? How can we find serenity in the midst of chaos? Which steps particularly apply / are helpful? Which Al-Anon slogans and other tools can help? Thoughts about living with chaos in the upcoming holidays?

What does it mean to live “in the moment?” How can I plan for tomorrow when I’m living “one day at a time”? How do I learn from past experiences if I don’t look back? How did/do I live not in the moment? Anger and resentment – Living in the past. Chewing over past actions – blaming (myself or others) Fear and worry – Living in the future. “Awfulizing” What are aspects of living in the moment? Take care of the things I can do now, let go of the things I cannot do. Do the “next right thing”. Be fully present in what is happening. Listen Notice the beauty around me Enjoy what is good now (instead of ruminating on what was bad or worrying about what might be bad) How can I practice living in the moment? Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Focus on what is happening now. Focus on the people I am with. Listen – don’t be thinking about my agenda Mindfulness meditation (or other meditative practice) Body language – when my body is in an accepting, listening position, so is my mind. Positive expectations – How they can shape interactions and actions. (“Batman” episode of This American Life and Invisibilia) What about planning for the future and learning from the past? There’s a difference between worrying about what might happen, and planning for what we would like to do. We can and should look at our past in our inventory. We only need to let go of the desire to change it.

Do you want to do recovery “your way”? Are you skipping steps because you don’t like them? Can you let go of control? Spencer and Harriet talk about letting go of the process. Harriet, can you explain what you meant by “letting go of the process” when you suggested this topic? How do/did you try to control your recovery? obsessively doing the things we *can* do overdoing self-care What parts of it do/did you particularly not want to let go of? “character defects” -- I want them removed in my order outcomes comfort in maintaining the illusion of control over my own life Why? How does letting go help your recovery? Your peace of mind? focusing on control of outcomes is a “fool’s errand” and makes my life unmanageable It frees me to focus on the things I can control Frees me to do self-care What blocks you from letting go? impatience perfectionism Not wanting to feel unpleasant feelings judgement and shame fear expectations What ways have you found to let go? Prerequisite - Accept who and where I am right now. Being open to the universe -- humility Work with a sponsor Prayer Meditation what else? What do you still struggle with letting go of? What would you say to a newcomer who isn’t sure the program will work for them?

Enjoy this "best of" episode from a year ago. Has your loved one relapsed? Did you expect it? How did you react? Today, Spencer and Jessyca talk about Relapse. We structured our discussion around these points and questions: The disease of alcoholism and addiction is chronic, progressive, and eventually fatal. Relapse does not have to be part of the disease, but it is frequently part of the process. As friends and family members, many of us have experienced the relapse of a loved one from a period of sobriety, sometimes short, sometimes long and full of recovery. How did and how do we respond and react when a loved one relapses? What is our understanding of relapse? It is often a process in which picking up the drink or drug is the last stage. How can we support ourselves and our loved ones in relapse? And, sometimes, we relapse back to our old behavior. What is an “Al-Anon relapse”? Have you had one? What was it like, and how did you get out of it?

How does having judgement differ from being judgemental? Can judgement be both a character asset and a character defect? How do you judge others? How do you think others judge you? How do you judge yourself? Today, Spencer and Anthony talk about judgement. We used this outline for our conversation: What does “judgement” mean to you? How does it differ from being “judgemental”? A reading in Courage to Change speaks of a “judgement ladder”, where everyone is either above or below someone else. Have you felt like you are on this ladder? How do you judge others? How do you feel judged? How do you judge yourself? Are you harsher on yourself than others? How can judgement be a positive attribute? How has the program helped you to be less judgemental of others and yourself? To practice “good judgement”? Are there slogans that help? Any particular steps?

Have you ever set an ultimatum? What did you do when it wasn’t honored? How do you deal with unacceptable behavior from your loved ones? Spencer and Maria talk about boundaries. Last week, we read an email from a listener who asked these questions: Do any of you out there have any personal experiences setting ultimatums with your addicts that were not respected, acknowledged or met with insult? How have you handled the negativity from your addict, and the anxiety and heartbreak of not knowing if the relationship will ever be restored? What has it looked like for you to practice loving detachment with an intimate partner through a separation or divorce? What is the next right thing to do once a boundary has been communicated? So we thought, “maybe it’s time to talk about boundaries again.” We actually had a couple of earlier shows around this topic. Our very first episode was a 20 minute discussion of boundaries, and then in episode 44, we talked about setting boundaries without controlling. Some discussion/thought questions about boundaries: What is a boundary? How does it differ from an ultimatum? How can I set a boundary that involves someone else’s behavior? What can I do when my boundaries are not respected? How do I feel when my boundaries are not respected by someone I love? How can loving detachment help me to maintain my boundaries? What if I don’t want to follow through with the consequences of my boundary having been violated? What happens (to me) if my boundaries turn out to be expectations? How does a boundary with my own behavior differ from a boundary with someone else’s behavior? How can I set up and follow through with consequences on a boundary with myself?

Do you take responsibility for your own actions? Do you take on responsibility for the way others live their lives? Do you sometimes try to play God? Spencer and Akilah talk about responsibility and authority, as set forth in Concepts one and two. The Ultimate Responsibility and Authority for Al-Anon World Services Belongs to the Al-Anon Groups. The Al-Anon Family Groups Have Delegated Complete Administrative and Operational Authority to their Conference and its Service Arms. The readings in the books Paths to Recovery and Reaching for Personal Freedom include some writings on personal application as well as explanations of how it works on the service level. What do “authority” and “responsibility” mean (to me)? What is the difference? Authority: “the power or right to give orders, make decisions, and enforce obedience.” Responsibility: “the state or fact of having a duty to deal with something” or “taking ownership of my thoughts, words, and actions.” For concept one For what part of my life am I ultimately responsible? What responsibilities might I share or delegate? How do I contribute to the group conscience? How does this concept help me to keep the focus on myself? How can I learn to trust the decisions of others? When have I assumed responsibilities that are not mine? When have let others take on responsibilities that should have been mine? Can this concept help to me to “Let go and let God”, knowing that I am not the ultimate authority? For concept two, the questions are: Why is it important to delegate both responsibility and authority in general? In Al-Anon? Am I able to share responsibility? What responsibility? Am I willing to offer my assistance to others? When do I rely on others? Can I ask for help? What responsibilities in my life could I delegate to someone else? Whom can I trust to be reliable? How does delegating responsibility help to trust the abilities of others? How willing am I to work with others and to consider their ideas? How often do I trust the knowledge an experience of another person? Do I support and encourage others? When delegating how do I define boundaries to separate my responsibility from someone else’s How does my attempt to take charge of everything without delegating keep me from completing the work that needs to be done? For what am I responsible? A listener emailed some questions. Listen to the show to hear the whole email. We put the questions to you, in hopes that you will share your experience, strength, and hope with our listener. Do any of you out there have any personal experiences setting ultimatums with your addicts that were not respected, acknowledged or met with insult? How have you handled the negativity from your addict, and the anxiety and heartbreak of not knowing if the relationship will ever be restored? What has it looked like for you to practice loving detachment with an intimate partner through a separation or divorce? What is the next right thing to do once a boundary has been communicated?

Have you made New Year resolutions? How has that worked for you in the past? Is there a way to use our program tools instead? This is the time of year when we look back at the year gone by and forward at the year to come. Spencer talks about his process of "looking back, looking ahead" at this beginning of the new year and end of the old. How do I do this? I can ask myself, how are my actions in alignment with my values? There is discomfort in the gap that spurs me to want to change The program gives me tools for this: Steps 4–7. What are my values? When I state my values as aspirations of the way I want to act, I can more clearly see the alignment (or not) of my actions with them. Integrity: I act in all things according to my true self. I state my beliefs honestly and openly. Commitment: I do not make commitments I cannot keep, and I keep the commitments I make. Acceptance: When I disagree with someone, I may argue my position, but I will not diminish their personhood. Love: I express my love openly and appropriately. How have my actions this year aligned, or not, with my values? Acceptance is hard. I react emotionally to some people, and let those reactions color my interactions. On the plus side: I am more aware of this when it happens, and more likely to modify my response. I can “go along” with something I don’t agree with, because it is too uncomfortable to disagree. This happens less often than it used to. I can express my desires and needs when they are important to me. I sometimes overcommit and under-deliver. I find it difficult at times to express my true feelings to my wife. I have openly stated and explained my spiritual beliefs and practices, even when I don’t know they will be accepted by those to whom I am speaking. What can I let go of, that is no longer of use to me? What holds me back? Stuff! Clothes I haven’t worn in a decade. What do I want to bring into my life (more) in the coming year? Self-care: physical and spiritual (I do OK on the mental front) Family: I will spend more “quality” time with my family Money: I will work to be more attentive to our financial status.