The Recovery Show » Finding serenity through 12 step recovery in Al-Anon – a podcast

What did you think when you first heard the statement that alcoholism is a disease? Did is seem like a cop-out? Did you feel that your loved one just needed to drink normally!? Today, Spencer explores his personal journey of coming to an understanding of this cunning, baffling, and powerful thing called alcoholism. Here's a rough outline of the journey in bullet points: Alcoholism? Is that a thing? Alcoholic? Certainly not! The poster. Early explanations Genetics Brain chemistry Recovery and relapse Open talks Eye opening Coming to see the arc of the story -- one story in many lives Finding hope Disease concept Brain chemistry? A disease that denies itself Chronic, Progressive, Fatal unless arrested No known “cure” but can be treated Like cancer in remission Lifetime treatment (like diabetes) Compassion

Have you found yourself trying to do it all? Did you take care of your loved one’s problems? Do you try to force things to work out your way? Have you ever felt totally unappreciated? The 4 M's are Managing, Manipulation, Mothering, and Martyrdom. Join Erika and Spencer as we talk about our experience with the "4 M's" and how the program has helped us to rely less on these crutches. How do/did I try to manipulate others? “Setting up” a situation passive/agressive behavior How do/did I try to manage and control my live and the lives of those around me? How have I taken on responsibilities that were not mine? Have I ever been called a control freak? How do/did I mother others by “cleaning up” their problems, by doing things for them, etc? How have I played the martyr. What did I hope to gain? What tools does Alanon give us? Inventory – recognizing my behaviors. Loving detachment Self care

Do you find yourself looking for the “experts” in your meetings? Do you sometimes feel like you have nothing to offer? How do we help one another in Al-Anon? Today, we’re going to talk about Tradition 8, which states “Al-Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers.” Spencer and Ruth talk about Tradition 8, guided by these thought questions. How does the reading match with my experience in Al-Anon? Why do we have this tradition? What are the advantages of a “fellowship of equals”? What are the disadvantages? Do I look to certain members as “experts”? How can this be a problem for me? How can this be a problem for them? Do I sometimes feel reluctant to share because I’m not an “expert”? Am I sometimes reluctant to share my problems because I feel I have to be “perfect” in my program? How can I share with others without trying to fix them? Am I sometimes “Mr or Ms Alanon”? How/when am I judgemental? How/when do I take others’ inventories? What about paid employees (“special workers”)? Final thoughts?

What do we mean when we say “Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional?” What’s the difference? How can we avoid suffering? Spencer and Maria share their experience about suffering and pain. We used this outline to guide our conversation. What distinction does the quote make between pain and suffering? Does it make sense to say “suffering is pain plus a story we tell ourselves?” What forms can suffering take? Worry. Obsession. Despair. Dullness. Self-pity. Isolation. ? What tools does Al-Anon give is to stop turning pain into suffering? Let go and let God. Just for today. One day at a time. Loving detachment. How important is it? Live and let live. This too shall pass. Patience. Prayer. Hope. Attitude of gratitude. Connection with others -- we are not alone.

We are told that “we didn’t cause it, we can’t cure it, and we can’t control it.” The 3 C’s capture our powerlessness. What does this mean for us, what does it mean for the ones we love who are caught in this disease? What are “the 3 C’s”? We didn't cause our loved one's alcoholism or addiction. We can't cure it. We can't control it. When did you first hear about them? What did you think then? How did you feel? Why are they important? How do they express our powerlessness over alcohol?

When you first heard “work the steps”, what did you think? Are you still confused about what it means? Or, maybe you’ve worked the steps, but you’re looking for more. Spencer talks with Ruth, Maria, and Patti about our understanding of and experience of “working the steps”. We consider these questions in our conversations. * When you first heard the phrase “work the steps”, what did you think it meant? * Have you worked the steps once? More than once? * If more than once, how did your understanding of “working the steps” change? * How did you work the steps? From a book? With a sponsor? As part of a group? * Some steps have clear actions in them (“took an inventory”, “made a list”), and some do not (“came to believe”, “became entirely ready”). * Would you say that some steps are “action steps” and some are not? * Or, do you believe that all the steps have actions in them? * How do you know you have “finished” a step and are ready to move on to the next one? * If you are a sponsor, how do you guide your sponsees in working the steps? Our topic for next week is “The 3 C's“. We are told that “We didn't cause it, we can't cure it, and we can't control it.” How does this help? Does it help? What do you think? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music Here are some songs that we think connect to our topic. Listen to the episode to hear why and how. Jordin Sparks – One Step at a Time Ani DiFranco – Work Your Way Out Janis Joplin – Work me, Lord The music in the episode: (intro) (first break) Klonopin (second break) (closing)  

How is Al-Anon funded? Why don’t we take outside contributions? What if we all lived our lives that way? Tradition 7 states “Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.” Spencer and Ruth discuss these questions and others as we explore our understanding of Tradition 7. The statement of this tradition is pretty clear. Why do you think we have this tradition? How does Tradition 7 relate to Tradition 6, which says, in part, “Our Family Groups ought never endorse, finance or lend our name to any outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim.” Are there other ways, besides financial, in which our groups are self-supporting? How can I be of service to my meeting(s)? How have I been of service? How do I use this tradition in my personal life? How am I self supporting Financially? Socially? Spiritually? Emotionally? Mentally? Physically? How have I felt when I was dependent on others? Have I expected that “the world” owed me? In what ways? How did I feel? How did I act? How has my self-worth depended on being needed by others? Do I take responsibility for my feelings and my actions? Do I blame others for how I feel? How do I contribute to my own well-being? How can I be fully self-supporting?

The topic of our next episode, number 79, is What does it mean to "work" the steps? Please share your experience, strength, and hope about this question by sending email to feedback@therecoveryshow.com, by calling our voice mail number 734-707-8795, or by using the voicemail button at the right. Here are some thought questions that you can use as prompts for your sharing: When you first heard the phrase "work the steps", what did you think it meant? Have you worked the steps once? More than once? If more than once, how did your understanding of "working the steps" change? How did you work the steps? From a book? With a sponsor? As part of a group? Some steps have clear actions in them ("took an inventory", "made a list"), and some do not ("came to believe", "became entirely ready"). Would you say that some steps are "action steps" and some are not? Or, do you believe that all the steps have actions in them? If you are a sponsor, how do you guide your sponsees in working the steps?

Are you in a relationship with an alcoholic or addict? Have you ever thought, “My life would be so much easier without this person?” Have you wondered how you could ever leave them? Today, we have 4 personal stories from individuals who faced that hard question, Stay or Go? Spencer starts with his experience. He struggled for years with that question. When he came into the program, he was grateful to hear that he should not make any big decisions in his first year. It took a couple of years and some hard work to decide to stay in his alcoholic marriage. Ruth was in her relationship for a long time before she came to see that he was an alcoholic. She found Al-Anon then. After some more time, she realized that she could not continue in that relationship and made the hard decision to end it. Jennifer has stayed with her alcoholic husband, so far. She has hope that he will find long-term sobriety, but fears for the effects of his drinking on their young children if he cannot. Julia recently ended her relationship with her alcoholic boyfriend. She came to see that the relationship was not healthy for her, and that she could not stay.

Have you wondered why someone would choose Al-Anon? Or why those “long timers” keep on coming? Spencer and Amy tell their stories of coming to Al-Anon, and the reasons they're still coming years later. We used this outline to guide our conversation. What brought you to Al-Anon originally? What was your situation? Was there active alcoholism in your life at the time? What was your relationship to the alcoholic(s) in your life? How did you “hit bottom”? What was your first meeting like? What did you expect? How were your expectations met? How were they not met? Did you keep coming back after your first meeting? Why or why not? How and when did you start to understand what the program was about? What did it mean to you? Did you find help for the situation that brought you to Al-Anon? Was it the kind of help you had expected? How long have you been in Al-Anon? Is the original situation the same? How or how not? What keeps you coming to Al-Anon? Do you still have active alcoholism in your life? Did you “discover” more alcoholism around you? Are you still dealing with the same issues as when you came in? Do you attend Al-Anon primarily to help you deal with the alcoholism in your life, past or present? Do you attend because of the growth and change in yourself you have found here? Do you attend because if you don’t, you get crazy again? Do you attend to pass the help on to others who are still suffering?

What do you do when you lose someone close to you? How can I use the tools we have learned in the program to get through a loss? I was inspired to this topic by a tragic, accidental death in the past week. It brought me to reflect on the nature of loss, on how loss affects me and those close to me, and how my response to loss is so different now than it was before I came into the program. I used this outline as a guide for my musings. The story. How did I deal with loss in the past? Stuff it Ignore it Numb it Isolate Other kinds of loss? Loss of dreams Loss of friendship Separation and divorce Fear of Loss How has the program helped me to deal with loss? Feel it. Acceptance. Gratitude for what was. Grief process -- acknowledge it. Less guilt. How to deal with loss and grief Take care of self Prayer Ask for help Talk about it One Day at a Time Letting go

Tradition 6 says “Our Family Groups ought never endorse, finance or lend our name to any outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim. Although a separate entity, we should always co-operate with Alcoholics Anonymous.” What does this mean? How do we understand and apply it? How do we use it in our personal life? Spencer and Ruth talk about Tradition 6, guided by these questions: Why do I think we have this tradition? What is “our primary spiritual aim”? What are some examples of “outside enterprises”? Religions Treatment programs Other 12-step programs What are some hazards of promoting, endorsing, or talking about such “outside enterprises” in our meetings? In what ways does Al-Anon “cooperate with AA”? How can I apply this tradition in your personal life? Am I allowing material or financial concerns to gain priority over my personal spiritual needs and serenity? Am I allowing personal problems or successes to overwhelm me? Am I letting them get in the way of how I treat others? How do these slogans relate to Tradition 6? Easy Does It Keep It Simple Live and Let Live Let Go and Let God

Does fear keep you from acting? Can you move forward in faith instead? This week, we talk about faith over fear. Spencer and Adrienne talked about their experience with fear and faith, reflecting on these questions and others. How has fear been a factor in your life to date? In what ways did fear direct your actions (or inactions) in the past? How have you experienced faith in recovery? Which steps are acts of faith for you? How does working the steps help you to learn to have faith? How can you move in faith rather than sitting in fear today?

Have you wondered what Al-Anon is about? Why do we keep coming when we feel better? What does Al-Anon tell us about our alcoholic friends and relatives? These questions and more are addressed by Tradition 5. “Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.” Ruth shares her experience with being welcomed into the fellowship of Al-Anon, and about how she came to understand what it means to "encourage" her alcoholic loved one. Then Spencer shares his musings on this tradition, roughly following this outline. What does it mean to “understand and encourage our alcoholic relatives”? How can we gain understanding of alcoholism? How does this help us? How can I “encourage” my alcoholic relative(s)? In what ways did Al-Anon welcome me? How do I welcome others? How do I give comfort to others? Why is it important for me to work the 12 steps?

Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. (Alcoholics Anonymous) Mara joins Spencer again to talk about perfection, progress, and topics in between. We had some question, but the quote, above, from the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous formed the foundation of our conversation. Here are some of the questions we may or may not have ended up addressing. What does it mean to be perfect? What is your perspective/understanding on character defects? Are they what keep you from perfection? How did you feel about perfection before the program vs. now? What do you consider to be progress? How does your outlook and attitude change when you look at your progress (how far you’ve come) instead of your shortcomings (how far you have to go to be perfect)? How do you see your progress? By taking a periodic inventory? When you see yourself facing or responding to an old situation in a new way? When someone else points it out to you? How do you feel or react when something does not work out the way you wanted it to? What tools can you use to get past that feeling or reaction to resolution or completion? Spencer closed with this prayer he got from a Facebook friend, by which he tries to live every day. "Lord, help me to hold myself and others to a standard of grace, rather than perfection."