The Recovery Show » Finding serenity through 12 step recovery in Al-Anon – a podcast

Do you have trouble communicating your needs and feelings to your loved ones? Do your attempts to ask for what you want always degenerate into an argument? How have you learned to communicate better in this program? Today, Spencer, Maria and guest host Meishia talk about Communication. We started with this list of questions. How did you communicate in your relationships before you came to the program? What special challenges to communication have you faced/seen in alcoholic relationships? Which of these communication skills did you have then / do you have now? Listening attentively and openly. Stating your needs clearly. Using “I” statements. Which of these communication problems did you have then / have you reduced or eliminated? Accusatory or judgemental statements. Expecting others to “read your mind”. Emotional reaction. Escalation to argument or fight What are “I” statements? Why would you want to use them? How can they help to enhance communication and avoid emotional escalation? Are you aware of the non-verbal signals you send? A well-written contribution from Adrienne sparked our conversation, and we just rolled on from there.

Spencer and Maria are joined by special guest Ruth to discuss Tradition 1, which says "Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.” We are guided by these questions: What does “common welfare” mean to you? What does “unity” mean to / for you? How do you think that this tradition supports personal progress.? What are some ways you observe this tradition in your group(s)? How does this tradition inform or affect the “rules” your group(s) use in meetings? How does a group or meeting suffer when one person shares to long or otherwise dominates the meeting? Have you been affected by that behavior? Have you done that? How can and do you use this tradition outside the program, in your personal life? The reading in Pathways suggests that “a loving, spiritual community” provides the best chance for personal recovery. How does Tradition 1 help to build and maintain such a community? Do you share your experience, strength, and hope in your group meetings? Do you give others the opportunity to share equally? Do you listen when they share? How do sharing and listening attentively help to unite the group? How does taking control destroy unity? Does this tradition mean that everyone in the group must be happy or satisfied with a decision? Why or why not? How can you use what you have learned about this tradition to bring balance into your relationships? Ruth is in Germany, so we asked her to read Tradition 1 in German, which is “Unser gemeinsames Wohlergehen sollte an erster Stelle stehen; persönlicher Fortschritt für möglichst viele hängt vom Einigsein ab.” (http://www.al-anon.de/grund/programm/12traditionen.htm)

In the book, How Al-Anon Works, in the discussion of Step 1, it says, “We may never have the family of our dreams…” What is the family of your dreams? How does your family fall short of your dreams? What have you tried to do about it? How has recovery helped you to relate to your family, whether the family of origin, family of choice, or “recovery family”?. Spencer, Maria, and Nic address these questions and others, very roughly following this outline. What is your understanding of the phrase “family of our dreams”? How do you envision your dream family of origin? How do you envision your dream family of choice? How do your real families fall short of your dreams? (Pick 1 or 2 examples!) How have you used / can you use your Al-Anon tools and principles in your families? Setting boundaries. Keeping expectations realistic. Accepting others as they are. We may not receive love in the way we want it, but recognizing it in whatever form it may be offered. Maintaining our own recovery in the face of non-recovery. Recognizing/breaking out of old unhealthy patterns. Detaching with love. Refraining from controlling behavior. Recognizing when we are shopping for bread at the hardware store. Keeping the focus on ourselves. Reflect on how your view of / interaction with / tolerance of / participation in your family(s) have changed in recovery.

Are you wondering whether you’ve had a spiritual awakening, or even what a spiritual awakening might be? How can you practice these principles in all your affairs? And what are “these principles” anyway? Are you not sure how to carry the message? Today, Linda and Spencer talk about Step 12, which states “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.” Our discussion is structured by these questions: Have you had a spiritual awakening? What does that mean to you? How do you know? What sort(s) of spiritual awakening(s) have you experienced? What do you understand to be “these principles”? Steps? Traditions? Concepts? Slogans? What else? What are some ways in which you practice these principles “in all your affairs?” In the family At work With friends In society What are some ways in which you carry the message of the program to others? In meetings As a sponsor With family and friends This podcast! How does Step 12 empower and inspire you?

For our 1 year anniversary podcast, we asked you, our listeners, to send us your story. Several of you did, and two are featured in this episode. Unfortunately, a third suffered damage that made it unplayable, so we weren't able to use it. We hear from listeners Julia and Emily, as well as host Spencer. Why is it important that we tell our stories? As all three of these stories show, we felt isolated, we felt alone, and we felt that nobody else could possibly understand what was happening in our lives. We all found common ground and understanding when we came to meetings and heard others sharing their own experiences. It is others' stories that draw us in, and give us hope. It is stories that illuminate tools that we can take for our own, that we can use to deal with the problems in our lives. Julia's story is different from Emily's story, and both are different than mine, in the details. But in the essentials, in the feelings and fears and uncertainties and insecurities, they are quite similar. I know that I identified strongly with elements of both stories, and I am sure that you will, too. You may have heard the expression "Identify, don't compare!" If we compare ourselves to others, saying "Well, I'm not like that!" and "I never would do that thing!", we lose an opportunity to grow and heal. When we look for the ways in which we can identify with another's experience, we can then take their strength and hope into our own program of recovery.

Are you often unsure what to do next? Do you struggle with indecision? Do you have too many choices? Do you feel you have no choices? Today, we talk about the slogan “First Things First.” Spencer, Maria and special guest Adrienne discuss this slogan, guided by these questions: How did you make decisions / set priorities before the program? What is the difference between urgent and important for you? Do you let immediate “crisis” distract you from the important things in your life? How do you understand the slogan “First things first”? What tools can help you to figure out what is the “first thing”? Have you used this slogan to help you make choices and set priorities? Can you use it to help you get started on something that seems “too big”? How do you think it relates to the expression “Do the next right thing”? To “Do what is given you to do”?

Have you established a routine of prayer and meditation? Do you struggle with them? Are you not sure how to know God’s will? Yes! Today, we’re going to talk about Step 11, which says “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry it out.” Spencer and Maria talk about Step 11, guided by these questions: What is your understanding of “prayer”? “meditation”? How are these different from before the program? Early in the program? Do you have a regular practice of prayer and meditation? What is it? How has it changed over time? How have you sought to improve your conscious contact with your Higher Power? How does praying only for knowledge of his will differ from how you prayed before the program? How do you know if you understand God’s will? Final thoughts -- how is Step 11 working in your life?

Are you new to Al-Anon? Do you wonder what to expect? What you should do immediately? What are the challenges we face early on? Does Al-Anon have its own “culture”? Then you’ve come to the right place, because today, we’re going to talk about getting started in Al-Anon. Spencer and guest host Wendy talk about our early experiences in Al-Anon, reflecting on what you might expect as you come to your first few meetings. We used this outline to guide our discussion. What should I expect when I come to my first meeting? Greeting? Literature? Meeting format? What should I do “immediately”? Go to meetings! Buy and read literature! Talk in the meeting? Get a phone list? Get a sponsor? Start working the steps? What are some early challenges? The jargon? Talking? Listening? Feeling safe? Crying? “God” talk? Is there an Al-Anon culture? What is it? Language/jargon? Slogans? How we interact with each other?

Do you struggle to admit that you are “wrong” in the moment? Have you found an effective way to take a daily inventory? How do you feel about admitting your wrongs? What exactly does this step mean by “promptly”? Do you feel better when you make a 10th step amends? Then stick around, because today, we’re going to talk about Step 10. Spencer, Maria, and Erika discuss our experience with Step 10, Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. We were guided by these questions: What is your understanding of a “daily inventory”? What are some ways you might do a daily inventory? (Have you found an effective way to take a daily inventory?) What is a “spot inventory”? Do you take a daily inventory? The second part of Step 10, “and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it” seems pretty clear? What does “promptly” mean to you? In what ways might you “admit it”? Do you struggle to admit that you are “wrong” in the moment? How do you feel about admitting your wrongs? Do you feel better when you make a 10th step amends?

Do you wish that things would just stay the same? Does change freak you out? Maybe you get depressed when live today isn’t the same as yesterday. If you identify with these feelings, stick around. Today, I’m going to talk about changes. There is a big change for the Recovery Show: Kelli and Swetha have decided, for personal reasons, that they can no longer participate in the show. In this episode Spencer reflects on how this change affected him, and how he is using the program to work through it. Here is his rough outline for the show Awareness: What happened? How I felt? What I did? "Change is a process … becoming aware is the first stage of this process." (How Al-Anon Works, p. 23) Fear of change and uncertainty. What about just giving up? Acceptance: “being willing to feel the feels, and if I can't bring myself to do the next right thing, at least trying to refrain from doing the next wrong thing” (from a friend via Facebook) “Change, even wonderful, positive change, involves some grief for the old … life” (HAW p. 88) Working the steps: 1 … 2 & 3 … 4 & 5 … 6 & 7 Gratitude -- for what was -- and that I can keep on moving forward. Serenity prayer! Reading from Bless the Imperfect. Action Sermon this morning: “What is the love story we tell that keeps us going?” Where are we going? I am committed to continuing the podcast. I will be drawing on the local recovery community for guests and maybe, ultimately, new co-hosts. It will be different. I fear not as good, and I hope to grow into something better (just as we would have continued to do.) Your contributions are valuable, perhaps more now than ever. Thank you to all who have contributed, and special thanks to those who sent prayers for me this week.

We watched the movie Days of Wine and Roses with our friends Mark and Anna from the Recovered podcast. And then we sat down around a table and talked about it. If you have not seen the movie, you may want to read the plot summaries at IMDB. You can also rent it from Amazon Instant Video or iTunes Movies. In our discussion, we addressed most of these questions: How do you feel this movie related to your experience? In what ways did you feel that this movie was true to life? In what ways did it feel false or contrived? Was the focus of the movie on the alcoholic/addict experience or codependent experience? What myths about alcoholism in the 1960s does the movie try to dispel? What aspects of alcoholism that is portrayed in the film are still true today? What are your feelings about the way sponsorship was portrayed? Who needed alanon? What messages did you get from this movie about codependecy? Did it equate codependency with love? Did it portray codependency as something that caused unhappiness? Did the movie show the alcoholic/addict as the cause for the unhappiness of the codependent? How did you feel about that? What about the codependent experience in the movie would you have liked to greater detail on and why? Who are the codependents and who are the alcoholics? Is the movie hopeful?

Why do we (codependents) create chaos? Why do addicts create chaos? How do we find islands of serenity within chaos? You guessed it — today, we’re going to talk about chaos. Spencer, Kelli and our guest Wendy share our experience, strength and hope as prompted by these questions. What do we mean by “chaos”? How has your life been chaotic? Before coming to the program? After coming to the program? What is your reaction or response to chaos? Before the program? Now? Why do we, as co-dependents, sometimes create chaos? Why do the alcoholics and addicts create chaos? What feelings does chaos elicit in you? How did it feel in the past? How can we find serenity in the midst of chaos? Which steps particularly apply / are helpful? Which Al-Anon slogans and other tools can help? Thoughts about living with chaos in the upcoming holidays?

Do you struggle with setting boundaries? Does it feel like you are trying to control someone else when you set a boundary? Does your loved one accuse you of trying to control them? Do you have trouble following through with appropriate consequences when your boundaries are violated? Then today’s show is for you. We’re going to talk about setting boundaries without controlling. Kelli, Spencer, and special guest Jonah shared our experience guided by these questions: What is your understanding of the concept of “boundary”? Why do we want/ need to set boundaries in the first place? Before you came into the program, how did you try to “protect yourself” from others’ actions? How do you determine if your words/ actions are controlling? What is my motivation? Am I trying to protect my own emotional, spiritual, mental or physical serenity or safety? Or am I trying to tell the other person's what to do (or not do)? How am I saying it? Am I setting limits on what I will accept, or am I trying to "cause" a particular outcome? Are my statements "I centered" or "you centered"? How am I specifying the boundary? Is it something that the other person can "see", or would they have to "read my mind"? Have I set consequences that I can enforce? that I will be willing to enforce? Do you have an experience of your attempt to set boundaries when that was received as controlling? Why is it important to you to set boundaries?

Do you think you have to fix something as soon as you become aware of it? Do you find yourself springing into action even before you know what the problem is? Is it difficult to know if you've fully accepted something as a cue to take action? Join Spencer, Swetha, and Kelli as we talk about "the 3 A's", which are awareness, acceptance, and action. We try to address these questions in our discussion. Briefly, what is your initial definition of the 3 A’s--how do they work for you? Do you think it’s important to work the 3 A’s in the order they were written? Why? Do the 3 A’s help to prevent you from taking “unnecessary” action? Are there any other al-anon tools that, for you, get grouped into the 3 A’s (patience, pause button, meditation, staying in the moment, etc?) Do the 3 A’s have anything to do with faith? Is it possible to know exactly when you have reached acceptance and can move into action? Mark, in the chat room, contributed a 4th "A": anxiety. We are all in for the 4 A's: "Anxiety, Awareness, Acceptance, Action".

Does a life in recovery sound limiting? Are you unsure what activities, events, etc from your previous life will fit into your new life of recovery? Does living a rich full life sound selfish when your loved ones are still suffering from addiction? What tools have your learned that allow you to fully live your own life today? Kelli, Spencer, and Swetha try to answer these questions and others as we talk about living rich, full lives in recovery. What does “living rich, full lives” mean to you? Does it mean something different to you today than it did in the past? What are some tools you use today to ensure that you are living life in a satisfying way? How do you know when you are living a rich, full life? What do you see as the spiritual aspects of a rich, full life? How can changed attitudes contribute to living a rich, full life? How does your life today differ from your life before recovery? Some aspects of life to consider include: Activities Relationships with partners, friends, family, co-workers, etc. Spiritual practices Emotional life Intellectual life Do you see your life today as rich and full? As richer and fuller than it has been in times past? What do you still want to add (or take away) to improve your life?