The Recovery Show » Finding serenity through 12 step recovery in Al-Anon – a podcast

What is it like to be a guest host on The Recovery Show? Join us as we hear Mark, Ruth, Mara, Harriet, and Akilah talk about their experience co-hosting the podcast. I asked my guests today to reflect on these questions as we reach our 100th episode. Why did you decide to participate as a guest on The Recovery Show? How did you feel beforehand? How did you feel afterward? How do you feel now about your participation? Did you listen to "your" episode? If you did, what was that experience like? If not, why not? How has participating in the show strengthened (or not) your Al-Anon program? What would you like to say to our listeners about your experience? Mark, who hosts the Recovered podcast, remembers being a guest on the show, and the ease of not having to "run" the show. Ruth reflects on co-hosting the 12 Tradition episodes, why she committed to them, and what it has meant to her. Mara talks about the importance of service in her recovery, particularly when she is not at home. She also sings Happy Birthday to us (in tune!) Harriet was terrified at the idea, but still committed to co-host an episode about isolation, which she had identified as a problem in her life. Hear how she feels now about her participation. Akilah admittedly likes to talk. She enjoyed co-hosting an episode and encourages you to do the same.

If you’re new, do you wonder why members have been coming for years? Doesn’t there come a time when we’ve learned it all? What do we gain from keeping on keeping on? It amazes me that The Recovery Show is 2 years old this week! Spencer thinks back over the last 2 years, about the journey, about what this podcast has meant for him, and maybe for you. Here's a rough outline. How and why did we come to start the podcast? Early experiences podcasting. Guest hosts. Including your voices. Losing my co-hosts. Focusing on the podcast Providing value. Your feedback and support. Challenges. “electronic” co-hosts. Value to my program. Next week will be episode 100. We've invited some past co-hosts to reflect on their experience participating in The Recovery Show.

Do you wonder how much to reveal about your situation? Are you afraid someone will “out” you? Do you have “idols” in the program? We’ll address these questions and more as we talk about Tradition 12, Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities. Ruth and Spencer had these questions around which we structured our conversation. Ruth started by asking, "Spencer you said this is your favorite tradition. Would like to tell us why?" How do you understand the principle of anonymity? How do you practice this principle? Inside the “rooms” of Al-Anon? In the wider world? How can I protect anonymity when I meet someone outside the meeting? How can I protect anonymity when I meet someone in the meeting who I already know outside the meeting? How do we practice anonymity in the podcast? How does anonymity change the way I feel about myself? How can I practice anonymity without being “invisible”? How can I share my experience, strength, and hope without telling others what to do? Do I put people on a pedestal? Why? What happens? How does focusing on personalities hinder my growth? How is it different when instead, I listen to everybody, even the people I don't "like"?

Can you be grateful for painful events? How do you cultivate an "attitude of gratitude"? Can gratitude help you sleep better? Join Spencer and Wendy as we talk about our experience with gratitude. We used these questions to guide our discussion. What does “gratitude” mean to you? Do you see gratitude differently now than before you came to Al-Anon? Do you practice an “attitude of gratitude”? How has this changed your life? Have you found gratitude for painful occurrences in your life? How or why? What are you grateful for today? We also found a couple of interesting articles about gratitude. Powerful Lessons in Gratitude starts "As I write this, I am coming to terms with the death of a good friend of mine who was killed in a tragic accident over the weekend. … However, I realize that even in death we have the opportunity to celebrate the beauty of life." Both of us have found gratitude in the middle of pain and loss, and that gratitude has helped us to live our lives with greater serenity and even joy. Another interesting article is 8 reasons to love gratitude, which has this list of benefits. The benefits are backed up by scientific study, believe it or not. It can make you happier. It can reduce blood pressure. It makes hearts healthier. It's associated with better sleep. It helps people exercise more. It helps make vets more resilient. It can help your relationship. Even a little bit helps. Spencer was happy to hear that he doesn't have to practice gratitude every day in order to gain its benefits!

Do you revert to isolating in times of increased stress and difficulty? Do you find it harder to work your program at these times? Today we will talk about what isolation has meant to us. Spencer and guest host Harriet discuss this topic, suggested by Harriet, following this outline and questions. What is isolation? Closing myself off from the outside world Looking outward to fix an inward problem Rejecting reality What did isolation look like a year ago, now, etc. Can take many forms, and could look like: Pretending (hiding) Self criticism (finding evidence that fits my conjecture that I'm broken and alone) feeding an obsession Compulsive show watching (often a familiar show I've already watched, maybe b/c I need to have some certainty) Compulsive podcast listening (not to broaden my perspective but to drown out my thoughts or emotions) Avoiding connection with friends or Al-anon members (Anything that takes me further into my closed system) Food Being compulsively busy Why do I isolate? Shame (I hide my worst parts) Disconnect between mind body and spirit. I look outside myself to find the answer I'm having a feeling I'd rather not be having and am afraid to look at myself I believe my own conjecture What helps? Accepting where I am and my current reality Trying one thing different to break my cycle I need to make peace within myself before I can genuinely connect with others. I think I need to share w others, but until I've reconciled within myself, I can be isolating right in the middle of a conversation Writing— before I'm too far gone Step 5 — a member or friend who I can share with (to acknowledge where I am) A meeting Meditation - breathing exercise connection with a pet Prayer Brene Brown's TED talks This podcast- suffering is optional, 3 A's, self-care Inventory—why am I isolating? Service Self-care and self compassion

Do you switch the tv-channel when the commercial kicks in? Are you tired of being reminded of something which you know would be good for you but you just don't want to, and now giving in would just feel odd? Do you wonder why some annoying people always have to emphasize where and how they get their stuff? But are you curious why that person, despite all the obvious problems in their life, has a smile on their face? And how do we practice anonymity in our podcast? Ruth and Spencer talk about Tradition 11, “Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, and TV. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.” We used these questions to guide our discussion. - There is a lot in this this tradition and I would like to start with the last sentence: the anonymity of the alcoholic. Why it is important, for them for us. How was it when we were new, or even before before we learned about the concept if the desease. If we break our anonymity we may break the one of our relatives too. How can we share our story without breaking the anonymity? Various aspects of anonymity: our background, education, finance, status ... not just names. As important as it is to experience people who have what you want to have, it is important not to connect people with program (principles over personalities). What can we do, what do you do to let people know about AlAnon? I asked on twitter: how would you translate the 11th tradition into your personal life and I get a very good response from "the bubble hour": "attraction not promotion means we can stand on our integrity in all things, without controlling outcomes or people." How do we practice Tradition 11 in this podcast? We share only our own experience, strength, and hope. We do not use our full names, and some of us use pseudonyms. We don’t try to “sell” Al-Anon. We often use phrases such as “loved one” when we mention the alcoholic(s) and/or addict(s) in our life. A Slogan for Tradition 11: “Take what you like and leave the rest” How do we practice this tradition in our life? Being an example. Act as we expect to be treated (“Golden rule”)

How do you feed your spirit? Do you struggle with prayer and meditation? What does it mean to be “spiritual?” Spencer shares his thoughts about spiritual practices, and invites you to share your own spiritual practices by voice mail or email. What is a spiritual practice? What is the purpose/goal of spiritual practices? Connection with the divine, something greater than myself. Centering. Feeds my spirit/soul. What practices are suggested in the 12 steps? What is prayer? What is meditation? What are some (other) examples of spiritual practices? Sitting/walking in nature. Attitude of gratitude Deep breath Dance Song Journaling

Do you sometimes feel responsible for the whole world? Would other people be happy if they would do things your way? An critical part of our recovery is that we recognize that we are not God. Spencer talks about ways in which he has tried to “play God” in the past, about how those increased the unmanageability of his life, and about how the realization that he is not God has simplified his life and provided serenity. He worked from the outline below, illustrating the points with stories from his life. * What do I mean when I say I am not God? * I can’t control or change other people * Things outside my “hula hoop” are not my responsibility * I don’t know what is best for others * I don’t always know what is best for me * Why would I think I am? * How did my actions suggest I thought so? * When do i struggle with wanting to play God? * How is it a relief when I remember that I am nobody's higher power? Upcoming topics include Tradition 11 and “Is it caretaking or healthy support?” Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Neil Young – Change Your Mind   Adele – Make You Feel My Love   Terence Trent D'Arby – Holding on to You   The music I played in the pauses is Early Bird by Hania Yiska. You can find more of his work, including our opening music, Teleportationism, at Bandcamp. Some episodes about living with addiction In response to a listener email, we compiled a list of episodes that have guests who share their experience, strength, and hope about living with active addiction or alcoholism. Episode 70: Living with alcoholism or addiction Episode 65: Hope Episode 54: Family of our Dreams Episode 52: My Story Episode 78: Stay or Go? Episodes 58 and 59: Relapse and Michelle's story Episode 22: Parents roundtable

Do words and events throw you into your past? Do you get angry when it's inappropriate? What are triggers and how do they affect us? Spencer and Akilah talk about our experience of triggers and how the 12 steps have lessened their impact on our lives. We had a few basic questions to guide our conversation: What does “trigger” mean to you? What triggers have you recognized in yourself? How do you react to these triggers? How has the program helped you to reduce or eliminate your triggers? Taking an inventory? Finding acceptance? Making amends? Trusting in my Higher Power? Harriet and Julia also shared some of their experience with being triggered by voice mail and email.

Are you afraid to trust others? Do you hesitate to share personal details? Are you trustworthy? Mara and Spencer talk about Trust. We used these questions to guide our discussion: When do I have trouble trusting? How do I know I can trust someone? Do I have a Higher Power I can trust? Can I trust myself? Can others trust me? What is my history of trusting myself? In what ways am I trustworthy both to myself and to others? In what ways have I been untrustworthy in some of my activities? How do I determine if someone is trustworthy? How do I determine if someone has lost my trust? What behaviors do I have that inspire trust? What behaviors do I have that inhibit trust? What important things do I trust to my Higher Power? What am I reluctant to give over to my Higher Power at this time?

Has someone brought their different political or social opinions into a meeting? How did that feel for you? Or even outside of meetings, can an opinion of another person disturb you? Today, we talk about Tradition 10, which says “The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.” Ruth and Spencer talk about Tradition 10, about how they see it work in their meetings, and how they can use it in their personal lives. We had some questions to guide our conversation. Can you recall a situation in a meeting were this happened, where someone brought outside issues into the meeting? How did you, how did the group dealt with it? Is there a Al Anon position on outside topics? How do you feel when someone isn't sharing your opinion on something? Why do we have this tradition? How can you apply tradition 10 to your personal life Questions from Reaching for Personal Freedom workbook: How does tradition 10 remind me to keep the focus on myself instead of others? How do I connect tradition 10 to detachment? How can tradition 10 help me to respond in a loving way when others say insulting or hurtful things to me? How can tradition 10 help me to not just keep my opinions to myself, but to let them go from my mind? When has practicing the spiritual principle of Tradition 10 helped me to love family members and friends without getting involved in their personal situation and decisions? In what ways can Tradition 10 help me when my family members are going through difficult or sad situations?

When you get sick, do you try to just “keep on going”? When you are overcommitted, do you try to “do it all”? What happens when you do that? Today, I want to talk briefly about taking care of myself. In Al-Anon, we are told that we need to take care of ourselves first. What does this really mean? How does it change the way we live our lives? This week, I had an opportunity to practice self-care, because I caught a cold. I am pretty sure that this cold was my body's way of telling me that I needed to slow down a little, that I was trying to do too much in my life, and that my health was being affected by that. I took a couple days off work, although I worked some from home. The big difference was that when I needed to lie down or take a nap, I could. I was also not inflicting my sniffling and coughing, not to mention germs, on my co-workers. Because of the cold, and because of a commitment I had made for the weekend, I was not able to plan for the podcast episode that I had wanted to create this weekend. Instead, I am reflecting on how self-care has been a part of my life this week, and how I had to change my plans to take care of myself.

Have you lost the ability to share intimately with another person? Have you found people in the program that you can trust with your secrets? What are your barriers to intimacy with your loved ones? Mara and Spencer talk about Intimacy. We used these questions to inform our conversation. What is intimacy? Vocabulary.com says this: Intimacy is closeness with another person, like the intimacy that develops between friends as you tell one another your life's story and all your secrets and dreams for the future. Do I have any intimate relationships in my life today? Have I had any in the past? How do I deflect or avoid intimacy? What keeps me from being intimate with my loved ones? My friends? My family? How have I learned to be intimate in Al-Anon? “Safe place” to be vulnerable sharing by others sharing with others How have I developed an intimate relationship with my sponsor? How am I deepening the friendships and loving relationships in my life? What might help me do so? Questions from Blueprint for Progress: How do I define intimacy? What actions encourage intimacy and which ones don’t? Which of my actions are helpful in bringing me closer to another person? With whom was I intimate when I was growing up? How have I shared important information with someone I didn’t trust? Where do I get examples of positive, intimate relationships? In what ways have I been intellectually or spiritually intimate with the alcoholic? What activities help me show how much certain people mean to me? What kind of examples do my actions convey about the importance of close relationships? For me, intimacy is tied in with trust and fear. Here are some questions from those sections of the Blueprint: What is my history of trusting myself? How do I determine if someone is trustworthy? How do I determine if someone has lost my trust? How do I react when frightened? What provokes my fears? How do my fears affect the way I make decisions? How do my fears of the alcoholic affect the way I interact with him/her? How do I include my Higher Power when I feel afraid and what is the result?

Do you find yourself running in circles? Do you obsess over things you can’t change? Do you lie awake worrying? Spencer and Ruth talk about what it’s like when our lives are unmanageable, and how we have found a better way to live. We started with the outline below, but actually ended up structuring our conversation around some of these questions from the book From Survival to Recovery. When difficulties occur, do you need someone to blame, even it is yourself? Do you feel uncomfortabe or draw a blank when asked whar it is you really want? Does a dark cloud of despair or a creeping depression sometimes seem to apeer from nowhere to weigh you down? Do you feel guilty or selfish whenever you say "no"? Are you lonley and isolated? Do you feel like an outsider in the midst of a crowed? Can you identify only one or two extreme feelings, such as anger or fear? Do you think in all-or-nothing terms? Is life either wonderful or miserable, with litte in between? Are you numb or flat, with no extremes in you feelings whatsover? Does your memory fog out or have giant holes where you remember nothing? Do you feel suicidal or have a need to hurt yourself or others? Do you tolerate unacceptable behavior even after you have said you wont? Do you have difficulty relaxing and having fun. Would you not regonize fun, even if it was right on front of your nose? Are you frequently impatient with yourself or others? Do you think you are the only person in the world you can depend on? Do you feel compelled to do things for other people they could do for themselfs? Do you do things you don't want to do, rather than risking disappointing people? Do you have difficulty trusting your won perception? Do you need to prove you are right and others are wrong in order to convince yourself? Do you feel embarresed or ashamed because of someone else's behaviour? Do you startle easily? Do you think the best way to take care of your needs is not to have any? The original outline: How did you feel/react when you heard that your life was unmanageable? In what ways has your life been unmanageable? Trying to change things. Trying to control outcomes Trying to change somebody else Worrying Obsessing Not taking care of my own “stuff” because I’m in someone else’s. Priorities out of order What are symptoms of unmanageability? Anger Not eating Not sleeping Over-working Paralyzed inside Depression Isolation Physically sick How do I deal with these things differently today? Recognize when something is outside my control and “put it down.” Prayer Ask for help -- talk to a “program friend” or sponsor. Go to a meeting. Do what I can now, then let go of worry and obsession. Take care of myself -- remember to eat and sleep. Inventory -- what is my part, what is not? Understand my options Recognize that I have choices. Don’t pick up the rope. Gratitude Slogans that help First things first. Do the next right thing. Let go and let God. One day at a time Just for today How important is it? How do I know that my life is manageable? I have time for “me” I’m not always jumping from one “crisis” to the next I can recognize my choices and make them rationally I recognize others’ humanity and have compassion for their struggle I recognize that it is not my job to “fix” others

How can we function without organization? Tradition 9 says, "Our groups, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve." This seems somehow contradictory. What does it mean? Spencer and Ruth talk about Tradition 9, following these questions: What does it mean that our groups are not organized? How do we get things done without “organization”? When might we create “service boards” or committees? How does this tradition connect to Steps 2 & 3? How can I apply this tradition in my daily life?