The Recovery Show » Finding serenity through 12 step recovery in Al-Anon – a podcast

Swetha, Spencer, and Kelli talk about enabling. We start by defining our understanding of the term, enabling. Early on, Swetha wondered whether anything nice she did for someone was enabling. Her sponsor helped her by giving her this definition: “getting between someone and the consequences of their choices or actions.” Kelli also had this confusion. Her codependency had distorted her thinking so that she always thought she was being helpful, whether she was really just being nice, or she was enabling. The concept of enabling did not come naturally to her, because of the codependency in her family growing up. Spencer is pretty sure he had no idea what “enabling” meant before coming to the program. If he drove to the store to buy more wine, so that his loved one would not be driving drunk, he thought he was doing a good thing, even though he might have resented doing it at the same time. He struggled with the difference between enabling and keeping his family safe, at times. When Swetha was growing up, she thought that preventing others from feeling the consequences of their actions was just being loving and caring for them. She shared some stories about doing things for the people she loved, and what the consequences were for her when her efforts were not appreciated. Kelli suggests that enabling is often tied to a desire to control the some outcome. She also sees that when she is being an enabler, she prevents the other person from being able to take care of themselves, and she also neglects her own self-care. Spencer agrees and adds that enabling also denies the other person’s dignity by implying that they cannot take care of their own stuff. Mark called to ask us for our comments on where parental responsibilities end, and where enabling or codependent behavior begins. Spencer responds by recounting an experience where his 20-year old son had a problem with some relatively severe consequences. Spencer flew out to support his son as he dealt with the things he had to deal with, to provide the things, such as a hotel room and transportation, that his son was not able to provide for himself. Spencer feels that he was supporting, not enabling, in that experience. He also talks about how he was not able to set hard boundaries when his children were younger – he was not willing to follow through with the consequences of the boundaries being broken. Kelli relates the experience of a young relative of hers who gets “kicked out” of her home when she uses, but then when she gets in trouble, she can come back home. She things that her relative is not learning from her experience, because she knows it will never get too bad, that she has a safe place to return to. Swetha talks about “rescuing” her sister from academic overload, time and time again. She got resentful, especially when it seemed that her sister just wanted someone else to do her homework. She was able to set a boundary, that she would not do her sister’s homework, that she was willing to sit down and help her, but also not at the last minute. She needed to do that for her own sanity. Spencer asks whether we might expect that if we stop enabling, then our loved one will start to feel consequences, and as a result will change their behavior. Do we need to guard against such expectations? Sometimes when we set a boundary about not enabling, we might need to move it. Spencer had decided that he was not going to continue to wake his kids up in the morning and drive them to school – that they needed to figure out how to do that on their own or suffer the consequences of being late. Eventually, his son came and asked for help, because he had been getting detentions for being tardy. Spencer said he would wake him once, what time should he do that? In that way, he was able to provide the help that was asked for, without feeling that he was enabling. Kelli has a story about doing the dishes – her husband was not doing t...

Spencer, Swetha, and Kelli talk about their experience with Al-Anon, attempting to address the question “What is Al-Anon?” We start by talking about what brought us to the program. Swetha’s boyfriend suggested the program to her, but she didn’t think at first that she qualified. Kelli’s boyfriend’s sponsor told her that if she was going to stay in that relationship she needed to go to Al-Anon. Spencer came into Al-Anon when he realized that his attempts to fix his loved one’s “drinking problem” were making him miserable. He was desperate and figured it might help. The Al-Anon preamble states “we believe that alcoholism is a family illness.” We talk about our understanding of this concept. Kelli relates that she can now see the effects of her great-grandfather’s alcoholism on her father, and feels that she learned her co-dependent behavior from him. We develop “coping mechanisms” from dealing with the chaos of active drinking, and we pick up behaviors from the alcoholic as well. Swetha broadens the definition to include friends, because she definitely was affected by alcoholic friends. We talk some about the relationship between Al-Anon and AA and the differences. The 12 steps are almost identical between the two programs, with only one word in Step 12 being different. Spencer’s sponsor has said that he believes that all AA members are automatically qualified for Al-Anon, because they almost always have relatives or friends who are alcoholics. AA members are welcome in Al-Anon as long as they keep the focus on the problems they have around relationships with alcoholics and addicts, rather than on their own addiction. Kelli and Spencer share some of the experience they have had as a sponsor to Al-Anon members who are also in AA. Kelli feels that it’s important for people to have a sponsor in each of their programs. Coming to Al-Anon helped us to recover from these effects. Before Spencer came to Al-Anon, he was in denial about his loved one’s alcoholism. Learning more about the disease helped him to break through that denial. A listener wrote to us, “I joke that Al-Anon doesn’t change anything in my life, except the amount of sleep I get.” She concludes “ I use the program to be a better version of myself, to myself, and in my other relationships.” Kelli has learned in Al-Anon that most situations are not just black and white, which she says “freeing and also terrifying.” Swetha used what she has learned in Al-Anon to make it through some devastating news she received this week, and to continue to function and to continue to live without collapsing. At the beginning, Spencer learned how to stop obsessing over his loved one’s actions, and to start to find himself again, to start living his own life again, and to stop being the rageful person he had become. Another listener email reminds Kelli that a great thing she learned in the program is that it is OK to ask for help. She used to feel that she had to fix her problems herself, partly from a feeling that nobody would understand. Also feeling that if she couldn’t handle it herself, that meant there was something wrong with her, that she was just weak. In meetings we often have the experience of hearing someone else talk about exactly what is going on in our own heads, sometimes illuminating things that we hadn’t see about ourselves. The honest sharing in our groups lets us know that we are not alone, and that we are not weird. To know that we are only human just like the others in the room. Swetha adds that hearing “her story” from 3 different people gives her 3 different perspectives on herself. What would we say to someone who is thinking about Al-Anon, but is hesitant, who maybe doesn’t think they qualify, who isn’t sure why they would want to go? Kelli suggests that you should “just go” and give it a try. At the worst, you waste a few hours. And at the best, you find a better way of living,

Kelli, Swetha, and Spencer discuss Step 2: “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Spencer talks about the first 3 words of the step: First, he “came”. After some time in Al-Anon, he “came to.” As he started to recover, he “came to believe.” Swetha found it easy to believe in a power greater than herself, because she was doing a lousy job of taking care of things. For her, a higher power is anything that restores her to sanity, whether it’s a meeting or a sunset. Kelli had no definition of a higher power when she came into the program, and those first three words gave her space and time to find her path. We move on to discussing our understanding of “a higher power.” Swetha came to understand her higher power as a loving force that she can rely on to help her stay serene and sane. Spencer thinks he resisted coming to a 12-step program because he was unable to accept a judgemental, controlling God. At the beginning, he could accept that the Al-Anon groups were a power greater than himself. He came to free himself of the need to be able to name or picture his higher power, and now he finds God as a loving spirit that manifests in many ways. Kelli agrees that we don’t have put a name or shape on our higher power, and that it made it easier for her to accept Step 2. Kelli asks whether it’s possible for an atheist to be in the program and to work the steps. Spencer suggests that the answer is “yes,” if we can detach “higher power” from the traditional “God” idea. One friend in the program finds his higher power in his dog — his dog loves him unconditionally and lives in the moment. Swetha was a “hard-core atheist” when she entered the program, at least partly because she was rejecting a judgemental God. For her, Step 2 was easy because she saw it as not about finding God—it was about finding a power different from herself that could lead her to sanity. She says it’s a spiritual program. It’s about finding connections between her and everything else. Kelli suggests reading the “agnostics” chapter in the AA big book. What is sanity? What is insanity? Kelli defines sanity as not being anxious or stressed out, and “staying in her own hula hoop.” When she focusses on herself and not on trying to control other people, her life is more sane. For Swetha, it is being aware of who she is, regardless of what is going on around her, or what other people are saying and doing. Spencer’s insanity often takes the form of “circular thinking”—running the same (negative) thoughts over and over, like a hamster on a wheel running and running and never getting anywhere and being unable to get off. He needs to get off, and contact with his higher power helps him to do that. He is trying to figure out what what it means to pray. He knows it’s not “Please, God, give me a pony!” Kelli reminds us that by incorporating prayer and meditation into her daily routine, it makes them much easier to turn to in times of trouble. Swetha is able to incorporate prayer and meditation into her life, pausing and retreating into a quiet place when she needs a moment to “be still and know that I am with you.” Our topic for next week will be “What is Al-Anon?” We would really like to get as many voices as we can for this discussion. Add your thoughts to the conversation, tell us what Al-Anon means for you. Call 734-707-8795 and leave a voice mail, or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com. We will play your voice message or read your email into the show. Music from the show  

Swetha, Liz, and Spencer discuss resentments. We find some commonality in defining resentments as anger over something that happened in the past. Sometimes it’s “righteous indignation” about someone else’s behavior, about some injury that someone else did to us. Mark calls in and asks whether we have had resentments against AA, maybe about the time our loved ones spend in meetings or treatment. Liz had huge resentments, because her loved one was “never” home. After about 4 months, she asked him, “now that your 90 days are over, do you still have to go to a meeting every day?” Spencer talks about his resentment towards a local treatment program that wouldn’t allow him to talk to his loved one while she was there. How do we handle resentments? Swetha uses an inventory as a tool to see what is involved in the resentment while also being gentle with herself, and to formulate a plan of action for dealing with it if it recurs. Liz sees that many of her resentments are against people who treated her in a way that feeds into her own insecurities. She finds that addressing those feelings in a healthy way with the other person helps to reduce or remove the resentment. Spencer find that many of his resentments are not about reality but are about his expectations of how someone will act or react in the future. He can deal with those by stating his needs and desires, and finding that the response is not what he expected it to be. Sometimes the best thing is just to get “out of his own head”. Liz finds that physical activity is a great way to release anger and resentments. Yoga is a favorite activity of both Liz and Swetha, especially since it also includes some meditation. Spencer remarks that much of his anger comes out of fear of some sort. When he can identify the fear, then he can let go of the anger more easily. Sometimes he is “living in the wreckage of the future.” Liz follows up that she can be resentful over past behavior that is actually no longer happening, and recognizing that it isn’t happening is good for her. Sometimes she has to get past her anger of the moment before she can come around to the “healthy thinking”. Her tools include talking to someone else, spending time with her pet, or doing some sort of “mindless” activity. Swetha uses a “time out” tool to help get through her anger. Liz gave us a quote attributed to Rumi, “And still, after all this time, the Sun has never said to the Earth,‘You owe me.’ Look what happens with love like that. It lights up the sky.” Sometimes our resentments arise from a feeling of being “owed.” Spencer finds this feeling of love without obligation in Al-Anon meetings. Liz talks about writing a “gratitude essay” to recognize all the positive things in a relationship, to get out of her negative, resentful thinking. Gratitude can be “the anti-resentment”. Next week's topic will be Step 2, which states “[We] came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Please share your questions or experience with this step by voice  (734) 707-8795 or email (feedback@therecoveryshow.com).   Music from the show As promised, here are two versions of The Grudge by Tool. The first just has the lyrics over the song. The second uses the song as the soundtrack for an animated short called “The Backwater Gospel.” It is somewhat disturbing. Finally, another great “resentment” song that we didn't have room to include — Forget You by Cee Lo Green.  

Spencer, Mark, and Swetha discuss letting go. We talk about how we were or weren’t able to let go of things in our life before we came to the program. Spencer identified the slogan “Let go and let God” as a tool that he could adopt early on. At first he could only use “Let go”. He kept telling himself to “Let go” when he was tempted to try to control his loved one’s drinking. Mark shared that, before he entered the program, he did a lot of “letting go” — letting go of his needs and responsibilities, really letting go of almost everything other than his attempts to control his son’s drinking. His fear for his son overwhelmed him, and all he could do was try to control. Swetha “let go” of everything that didn’t happen the way she thought it should and that she couldn’t control, ignoring and denying unwanted reality, or else accepting defeat. Mark agreed that he was also letting go of reality, because he couldn’t face it. After she started working the program, she began to understand that accepting reality, letting go of unrealistic expectations, is healthier for her. Spencer found that as he let go of his attempts to control the drinking, his loved one seemed more likely to seek recovery. Not only did letting go make him feel better, but it paradoxically seemed to encourage change. We talk about how we were able to begin to “let God” as we worked through the 2nd and 3rd Steps, accepting a Higher Power, and making a decision to turn our lives over to the care of that Higher Power. Mark talks about how much harder it is to turn the care of our loved ones over to a Higher Power, than to make that decision for himself. Letting go of control seemed petrifying to him. Swetha shares her journey from belief in God to disbelief, and back. Mark asks “well, then, who were you letting go TO?” Spencer and Swetha found some relief from just letting go of their actions that were not working. It didn’t necessarily take them to a positive place, but it was less negative, and that helped. Mark had a realization one day that he was never going to have a “perfect family”, but what he did have was a family in recovery. He let go of the old vision, and accepted the new reality, which was perfect in its own way. We talk some about how this has worked in our lives, when we let go of our unrealistic expectations and visions, and accepted our true reality. We find happiness in our current lives, rather than misery from wishing they were different. Mark’s “sponsor-in-law” would say “you are exactly where you need to be”, to which Mark would say, “but I don’t like where I am.” And she would respond, “well, then there’s something you need to learn.” We talk a bit about the value of open AA speaker talks to help us find hope for our loved ones’ recovery, which helps with letting go of our control. Their stories of recovery give us faith that we can truly “let God.” Swetha talks about the experience of hearing laughter from AA meetings, and getting hope from the joy that was expressed there. In the segment “our lives in recovery”, Mark heard a newcomer speak of her experiences that were so parallel to his that he felt an immediate connection, letting him know that he is not alone. In another meeting, hearing a different part of his story through another person let him look at himself and pointed him to some work he needs to do for his own serenity. In her step study group, Swetha was reminded that she needs to ask her higher power to remove her shortcomings. Spencer shares that when he is asked to support another member, it helps him to strengthen his own program, too. He had several opportunities for that this week. Next week's topic is Resentment. Please contact us by voice mail at 734-707-8795, or by email to feedback@therecoveryshow.

In this episode of The Recovery Show, Swetha, Kelli, and Spencer discuss expectations. Swetha wonders about the distinction between boundaries, expectations, and rules. She suggests that her boundaries are what she needs, her expectations are what she wants, and rules are an agreement about how people in a relationship will behave. Spencer notes that his expectations are frequently unexpressed – he expects others to read his mind, and to just somehow know what he expects them to do. Usually, people don't meet his unstated expectations, leading to resentment. Kelli feels that boundaries are about things “in her hula hoop”, and expectations are “outside her hula hoop”. Kelli relates the question to the Al-Anon Steps, Traditions and Concepts. Swetha talks about becoming aware of her expectations in the program, and how being aware of them makes it easier to accept outcomes that don't meet her expectations. Spencer was not very self-aware before the program. Now that he can recognize his expectations, he is less likely to be disappointed, angry, or resentful if they are not met. Kelli talks about the expectations she has of other drivers when she is travelling, and that these are sometimes difficult to keep in check. She also notes that she can also have healthy expectations of herself. Mark calls in from Canton and mentions the saying that high expectations lead to resentments and low expectations lead to disappointments. The second part was new to most of us and we spend some time talking about how it matches our experience. Mark also wonders how he can know if an expectation is reasonable or unreasonable. We agree that this is a difficult question. One way we have found, is to check in with another program member, maybe a sponsor, and with our Higher Power. Kelli's expectations can get out of control when she is out of touch with her Higher Power, and not living in the moment. Spencer suggests that words like “never” and “always” might indicate that he's holding an unreasonable expectation. During the segment “Our Lives in Recovery”, Kelli talks about how she keeps the program alive in her life when she travels. Our topic for next week will be Letting Go. You can join the conversation. Call 734-707-8795 to leave a voice mail or send email to feedback@therecoveryshow.com. If you have comments on this episode, please share them below. Music from the show The Spotify playlist includes the songs we played in this episode, plus one more song, Crystalized, by The Xx. Swetha said of this song, ‘I tend to apply a lot of pressure on the people around me to be exactly the same and completely consistent all the time. That's just my controlling behavior. And it's sung from the point of view of the person that is dealing with someone like me – “You apply the pressure to have me crystalised … Do I have to keep up the pace to keep you satisfied?”‘ Listen to the episode to hear why we picked King of Anything and Someone Like You.  

Kelli, Swetha, and Spencer talk about choices. In the past, we did not understand that we had choices. Much of the time, we felt that there was no choice. We may have thought that any decision must be black and white, good and bad, or that we must make a decision right away. Much of the time, we felt constrained by the decisions made by others, such as our parents. Spencer talks about making decisions such as what house to buy, where to go to school, with very little thought. He relates that, when he was early in Al-Anon, that he was told that he did not have to make a choice immediately, that he could wait. Swetha talks about feeling that any choice must be a permanent choice, that if she chose chocolate ice cream one day, she was committed to chocolate forever. When Kelli began to understand that she had choices, she found the idea scary. We talk about the tools that we have now. Some of the slogans, such as "One day at a time", or "How important is it?" are helpful. We have learned to ask for help, through prayer and meditation, by calling other people in the program. Swetha takes her inventory when she finds herself feeling resentful, feeling forced into a choice. We have also found that choices are possible in other dimensions; that we can choose to change our reactions or our attitudes, even when we are powerless to change our situation. We can choose to be resentful or we can choose acceptance. Spencer was amazed to find that he could choose to do something different than the rest of his family wants to do. He has the power to choose to take care of his own well-being, no matter what the others in his life might want. We each share stories of our experience of making healthy choices. When we know we are heading into a potentially difficult situation, we can plan ahead, so we have a "menu" of choices that we can make to keep ourselves healthy and sane. While Swetha was on vacation with her family, she was reading an Al-Anon book, Discovering Choices.

Spencer, Kelli and Erika discuss denial. We started with a reading that said, in part "Living with alcoholics, many of us coped with an ever-shifting situation in which our sense of reality changed from one minutes to the next. We adapted by taking whatever part of reality suited us and ignoring the rest. Again and again we were devastated because reality didn’t go away just because it was ignored." We didn't really understand the concept of denial before coming into the program. Now, we are able to look back through our recovery glasses and identify times when we were ignoring the parts of reality that we didn't like. Spencer shared that he denied his loved one's alcoholism for years, at least in part because he had a particular vision of what alcoholism was, and it didn't fit their situation. Erika talks about denying her fears and feelings when they didn't fit with her vision of how her life should be. We each talk about circumstances when we were in denial, how we recognized it. Erika shares that when she finds herself in unmanageability, and trying to justify her actions or feelings, that she is likely denying some aspect of reality. Spencer had to be jolted into recognizing reality by evidence that was undeniable. He was ignoring all the clues that might contradict his expectations and wishes, until "reality crashed in" on him. Kelli might be in denial when she becomes really logical and controlling over a situation, rather than accepting it. She usually gets "a clue" when she starts trying to explain it to her sponsor or someone else in the program – their reaction makes it clear that she's not living in reality. Spencer shares that sometimes he is reluctant to use the tools of the program. He knows that these tools can help him reach serenity and acceptance. When he is not willing to use those tools, he is probably not accepting reality, and he is afraid to face whatever reality he is denying. When he can bring his fear into the open and share it with others, then he can break through his denial and start to work on solving the real problem. The reading continues with "When we share with other members about what is really going on, we cut through our denial and anchor ourselves in reality." He shares a recent experience, where finally being able to share a fear began the process of recovering from the paralyzing effect it had on his life. Erika agrees that just saying something out loud, even to herself, has power. She likes that the steps teach us a way to move into self-acceptance and out of denial. Kelli hears that we are talking about trusting the process. She does not like sharing at meetings, though. We each share our difficulties in accepting the reality that loved ones in our lives are aging, that their health is failing, and that they are mortal. Denial can be really strong here, especially when we don't have the reality in our face. We are grateful that our program gives us ways to move through the denial into acceptance, so that we can continue to enjoy the time we have left with them, and not to be paralyzed by anxiety and fear. We close with another bit of the reading, "I can’t cope with something unless i acknowledge its reality. When I am willing to look at the whole picture, I take the first step toward a more manageable life."

Kelli leads a discussion with Swetha and Spencer about acceptance. Kelli opened with a reading that begins “It is said that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional …” She speaks of her previous belief that accepting something meant thinking that it was right. She has grown into an attitude of patience, acceptance, and tolerance for people in her life. Acceptance is very important to her when she is driving, which she does for her job. Swetha used to ignore or deny behavior that she didn't believe were how they should be, and feared that acceptance would make things real and ok. She has learned that she can accept someone's behavior as real without approving of it. Spencer also used to feel that acceptance meant approval, but now accepting reality lets him find the ways in which he can make his life easier and more serene. Swetha speaks of her fear that accepting reality would mean that she had to deal with it somehow, and that she didn't know how to deal with it. She now understands that she can say “it IS”, and that she won't fall apart. Faith in her Higher Power helps her to know that she will get through whatever it is. Spencer talks about acceptance of family  members, “allowing” them to be who they are, who they have always been, and understand that they won't change. He can do his part by not triggering the unwanted behavior, and his relationships have improved as a result. Kelli says that working as a sponsor to other women in the program has helped her to learn acceptance. Spencer recorded a conversation earlier with Anne, who had a lot to say, and spoke of how accepting her feelings helps her to move through them and past them. Anne recalled the reading from AA, “And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.” She talked about how she applies it in her life. We share how we felt when our loved ones were seemingly destroying themselves and their lives by drinking or drugging. Acceptance of our loved ones' diseases helped us to support them in their own struggles without enabling, without getting in the way, without making ourselves crazy, while keeping hope alive. It was painful, but we didn't have to suffer through it. Swetha talks about past controlling, codependent behavior when she was unable to accept her loved ones way of living their life. She now realizes that  those experiences helped to prepare her for finding recovery and acceptance in the Al-Anon program, and that her life is now happy, joyous and free as a result. We agree that changing our attitude to one of acceptance has made our lives more serene, happier, and much more manageable. Next week's topic is Denial. Please share your thoughts on denial by voice mail at (734) 707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com.   Music from the program

Swetha leads a discussion of powerlessness. We talk about how we understood it (or didn't) before coming to the program and how we understand it now. Each of us discusses situations in which we feel powerlessness and how we recognize it. Kelli says that sometimes recognizing powerlessness can give her power. How can that work? Listen and find out.

Spencer, Kelli, and Swetha discuss boundaries. We all agreed that before coming into the program that we pretty much did not set boundaries, for fear that others would not respect them. Instead we got angry about violations of unstated boundaries and carried those resentments. When we heard talk of boundaries in meetings, we didn't understand how we could make them work. Swetha states "I thought they were something that other people could do, but not me." We found ways to set healthy boundaries on our own behavior and how we deal with others' unacceptable behavior. We also found it valuable to understand where "we" end and "others" begin, because some of us felt that we were responsible for and had to control everything around us. Boundaries help us to have relationships with "problem" people in our lives, and to keep the focus on ourselves. This is very definitely a pilot episode. It includes only our discussion of the topic, and has none of the features we intend to eventually include. The recording was done with minimal equipment, but the sound quality is reasonably good despite that. Spencer's voice at the beginning is really loud so turn down your headphone volume before you start playing it.