The Recovery Show » Finding serenity through 12 step recovery in Al-Anon – a podcast

Why is there The Recovery Show? September 30 is International Podcast Day, which “is dedicated to promoting Podcasting worldwide through education and public engagement.” … Well, that got me thinking about why I do this podcast, why I (with others) have created 172 episodes of The Recovery Show over the past 3 ½ years. So, here are some of those reasons. * I can do it. * Technical knowledge * Teaching background * Step 12 encourages me to “carry this message to others”. * How did it happen? * My sponsor asked me to participate in his podcast (AA focused recovery at recoveredcast.com) * I wanted to bring a little more Al-Anon content to his podcast and he said “why don’t you start your own?” * 2 friends agreed to help * It deepens my own program of recovery. * I have met (at least virtually) people from all over the US and the world. * You let me know that it is valuable to you. * You support me. * Financially * Through your sharing (email and voice mail) * By giving me topic ideas and music suggestions. * By participating in the show. This is a “we” program. I cannot do my recovery alone and I cannot do this podcast alone. Even though it is often me, sitting in front of a microphone by myself, you are there with me, sitting across the desk from me, as I talk. And, I think, that is the bottom line of why I continue to produce this podcast. It brings us together in recovery; it connects me to you, and you, and you. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Kelly Clarkson – Because of You Aerosmith – Amazing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCN9eij6zJE Christina Aguilera – Keep on Singin' My Song

This week, we present an open talk by an Al-Anon “long timer”, Dawn C. Upcoming topics include courage, fear, faith, and worry. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Can you say “Yes” and mean it? When is it better to say “No”? I recently read a book, Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes, subtitled “How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun and Be Your Own Person.” Much of what I read resonated with the work I’ve been doing in recovery, so I thought I’d try to express that resonance here. * Basic connections between her story and mine: * Contrast between “inside” and “outside”. Or maybe I should say “outside” and “inside.” * Outwardly successful in many ways. * Inwardly isolating and “stuffing” (feelings and food) * There is a “bottom” and a “moment of clarity.” Sparked by her sister’s observation that “you never say yes to anything”. * “I am miserable. ¶ Admitting this takes my breath away. I feel as though I am revealing new information to myself. Learning a secret I’ve been keeping from myself. ¶ I am miserable. ¶ Truly, deeply unhappy.” * She recognized the need for change, and committed (to herself and her friends) to say “Yes” to everything that scared her for a year. * “Am going to say yes to anything and everything that scares me. For a whole year. Or until I get scared to death and you have to bury me. Ugh.” * Emotional blackouts * Her logic: “• Saying no has gotten me here. • Here sucks. • Saying yes might be my way to someplace better. … [or] at least someplace different.” * My entry into recovery: Trying to fix got me here. Here sucks. Trying Al-Anon might be my way to someplace better or at least someplace different. * Both of us have patterns set in childhood * isolating, living in her imagination * Fixing, rescuing, co-dependency * Chapter titles include * Yes to speaking the whole truth * My recovery: knowing who I am and living it. Being authentic. * Yes to surrendering the Mommy War * My recovery: It is ok to ask for (and accept) help * Yes to all play and no work * My recovery: take time for the things that feed ME, my soul * Yes to my body * My recovery: Take care of myself * Yes to joining the club * My recovery: I am a capable person, I have strengths, I don’t have to hide them, and I don’t have to compare myself to others (to my detriment) * Yes, Thank You * My recovery: I can accept praise without diminishing it. “Thank you.” is a complete sentence. * Yes to more year of yes * My recovery: This is a lifelong process. And I want to do it. * Yes to No, Yes to difficult conversations * My recovery: I can say “no”. (“No.” is a complete sentence.) * Yes to people * My recovery: I am not alone. The recovery community is here for me. * My family is here for me. * Yes to who I am * My recovery: learning who I am, and loving who I am (and changing the things I don’t want to be.) Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.  

Have you ever felt controlled by your feelings? What feelings could you identify in the past? How do you balance feelings and facts? * Were you able to identify feelings (before recovery)? * What did you feel? * Did you feel? * Did you think that certain feelings were “good” and others were “bad”? * Did it seem you had to act on/react to your feelings? * How did you deny/push down/hide from feelings? * Have you heard the saying, “feelings are not facts”? * What does it mean to you? * How do you use it now? * Have you found a “feeling vocabulary” in recovery? * How do you respond to feelings now? * How are you able to feel, but act from your head? * How can you accept that you have feelings, and that they do not have to control your actions? * How have your feelings changed? * What slogans or tools help you to deal with how you feel? * Let go and let God. * This too shall pass. * Just for today. * One day at a time. * Easy does it. * First things first. * Prayer and meditation. * Inventory * How have you become more aware of and able to feel? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Linkin Park: Numb Margaret Glaspy: Emotions and Math Adele: Hello    

What was it like? What happened? And what is it like now? Spencer was invited to give an “open talk” recently, and he elected to use this traditional format. It starts with “what happened?” With that moment when the reality of his powerlessness and the unmanageability of his life crashed down on him. When he heard that “You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.” And when those words lifted a weight from his shoulders that he hadn't realized he was carrying. That he had been trying to accomplish the impossible: to make his loved one stop drinking. He came to see that his journey to Al-Anon has really started much earlier. He believed that it was his job, his task in life, to “rescue” others. And so, maybe it is no surprise that he fell in love with and married an alcoholic. Because, who needs “fixing” or “rescuing” more than an alcoholic. Not that he recognized that at the time! He came to his first Al-Anon meeting almost unwillingly. After all, he was not the one with the “problem.” But nothing was working, and his life was miserable, so maybe, just maybe, this Al-Anon thing would help. His recovery story includes coming to understand what “working the steps” means, and learning to trust others with the reality of his life. It includes finding freedom from anger, fear, despair, and rage. It includes experiencing serenity, even when his life was still in the midst of chaos. And, it includes finding an answer to what seemed an unanswerable question: “I can't live this way, but I can't leave either. What can I do!?” The answer turns out to be “I can live.” Upcoming topics include sorrow and feelings. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

What is serenity, anyway? And how do you get it? Let’s start with a definition: (dictionary.com) 1. the state or quality of being serene, calm, or tranquil; sereneness. 2. A title of honor, respect, or reverence, used in speaking of or to a certain member of royalty (usually preceded by his, your, etc). Synonyms 1. Composure, calm, peacefulness, peace. Antonyms 1. Agitation * How did you conceive of serenity before recovery? * Did you think your whole life had to be “serene” in order for you to have personal serenity? * How did you act in ways that pushed serenity out of my life? * When you heard the Al-Anon suggested welcome, did these words make sense to you? * Did they seem unattainable? * Did they give you hope? “We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.” * Do you recall experiencing serenity, perhaps briefly, as you started to work the program? * What happened? * What did it feel like? * How did you recognize it? * Reading: Hope for Today, May 20. “The serenity I am offered in Al-Anon is not an escape from life. Rather it is the power to find peacefulness within life.” “Al-Anon does not promise me freedom from pain, sorrow, or difficult situations. It does, however, give me … the necessary skills for maintaining peace of mind, even when life seems most unbearable.” * What tools have you found for maintaining or restoring your serenity? * Trust in a Higher Power. Let go and let God. * Detachment. * Just for today. * One day at a time. * Talk to a program friend. * “Exercising” spiritual “muscles” by working the steps, going to meetings, reading the literature, etc. * Do you think serenity is a state of being, or an attitude? Or a little of both? * What would you say to a newcomer who is living a life full of “agitation” with little or no serenity? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show The Chainsmokers: Don't Let Me Down (ft. Daya) Florence and the Machine: Shake it Out Coldplay: Adventure of a Lifetime      

“I've got a confession to make.” How do you feel when you say that? How do you feel when you hear it?! What is the power that confession has for us in Step 5? (Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.) How does the inventory and self-examination of Step 4 make it possible to honestly make that confession? (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.) How do these combine to give us ownership of our own faults, so that we are ready to change? (Step 6, Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.) And to ask for help in changing ourselves? (Step 7, Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.) Is it possible to truly “make it right” with those we hurt without having first made confession from the depth of our being? (Steps 8 and 9, Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.) Confession, in Steps 5 and 9, is a cornerstone of recovery, and makes it possible to find redemption and forgiveness. Our topic for next week is either serenity or shame. Both start with the letter “s” but are otherwise pretty much unrelated. (How) have you found serenity? What does it mean to you? Or… Does shame still dominate your life? How has recovery helped you to move into and through your shame? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Links We talked about a litany of atonement, with the refrain “We forgive ourselves and each other. We begin again in love. Suzanne loves the meditation podcast 60 Seconds of Solitude. Spencer has been reading and enjoying the memoir Unwasted: My Lush Sobriety, by Sacha Z. Scoblic. Music from the show Jessica Andrews: Who I Am U2: Sometimes You can't Make it on your own Sara Bareilles: Say You're Sorry  

This is part 4 of a 4-part seminar titled “Stepping Stones to Serenity”, presented by Ellen C in 2008. This part covers steps 10 through 12. The previous episodes are * Part 1, Steps 1-3: Episode 158 * Part 2, Steps 4-6: Episode 159 * Part 3, Steps 7-9: Episode 162 In full, the 12 Steps of Al-Anon are * We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable. * Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. * Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. * Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. * Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. * Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. * Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. * Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. * Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. * Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. * Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. * Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Do we have choices in our lives? What kinds of choices do we have? How have we found choices in recovery? Choice Before Recovery * Did you feel you had choices in your life? * Did it seem like, when you had a choice, it was either/or, with no 3rd possibility? * Were you “allowed” to change your mind? * How did you make decisions? * Little ones? (What to have for dinner, what movie to see.) * Big ones? (Which job to take, where to live.) Choice in early recovery * What messages about choice did you hear when you started attending Al-Anon? * Was it a surprise to hear that you had choices? That you had more than 2 alternatives? * What did you hear about making choices to take care of yourself? * What if you didn’t know which answer was the “right” one? Choice now * What tools of the program can you use to help you make a choice? * Which slogans are helpful? * How do you use prayer and meditation in making decisions? * How can taking inventory help? * Have you found that you can choose your attitude? Acceptance? Gratitude? Upcoming topics include sadness. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Links Eric recommended the Insight Timer meditation app. Music from the show Gomez: Options Natasha Bedingfield: Unwritten George Harrison: Any Road  

Did alcoholism erase you? How did you find yourself in recovery? Who are you? What do you want? Do you know now? * In what ways did I lose myself “before program”? * Focus on the alcoholic * Taking care of others before myself * Belief that others must participate in everything — I can’t do something if my partner doesn’t want to. * Isolation and withdrawal from life / activities * Expectation that my loved ones would read my mind * Expecting others to make me happy * What messages did I first hear in Al-Anon that started me to rediscovering myself? * Take care of myself. * Detachment with love. * It’s ok to ask for what I want. * What have I found out about myself in recovery? * Things I like (to do). * Things I don’t like that I thought I had to like because others like them. * New insights into my character * New things that I never thought I would like * What did I forget about myself that I have rediscovered? Upcoming topics include choices and sadness. We will also explore the statement “Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new hidden talents.” to see how it has come true for us. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Talking Heads – Once in a Lifetime Sara Bareilles – Brave Rachel Platten – Fight Song  

This is part 3 of a 4-part seminar titled “Stepping Stones to Serenity”, presented by Ellen C in 2008. This part covers steps 7 through 9.

How is living with alcoholism like living with dementia? Can I use what I have learned in one, with the other? The sermon was titled “Dancing with Dementia”. “What perfect timing!” I thought, as I was sitting down. This week I will be visiting my parents, who may or not have diagnosed dementia, but who are definitely becoming less engaged in life, and it hurts. My brother, my sister, and I have decided to try to have “the talk” with them about aging, about whether they need help in daily living, and about whether they might consider starting to think about moving into an assisted living situation. It won’t be easy. I also reflected on how my feelings and reactions in this situation parallel my feelings and reactions to active alcoholism, when that was happening in my life. Which brings me to the question, how can I use these tools in this new situation? The keys seem to be these: * Dementia is a disease, just as alcoholism is a disease. * I can meet them where they are. * I can live in the moment. * I can find compassion for my loved ones. * I can recognize and feel my grief, and have compassion for myself. An upcoming topic is the “gift of Al-Anon” that says “Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new hidden talents.” How do you see this coming true in your recovery? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show This is the song that he wrote for Barbara Brussell, a friend of one of his daughters. Barbara was a high school dance student who was seriously injured in a car accident involving a drunk driver that killed her teacher and two of her classmates. Her knee was so badly damaged that it was doubtful that she would ever walk again, let alone dance. He visited her in the hospital and bet her that within a year she would come dancing up the road to his home in Big Sur to a song that he would write. The song he wrote within a few days was Let It Be A Dance. A year later, she came dancing, limping, but dancing up the road as he played his guitar and sang, “Let it be a dance we do./ May I have this dance with you?/ Through the good times/ And the bad times, too,/ Let it be a dance.”  

What does it mean to be powerless? How can admitting powerlessness give you power over the unmanageability of your life? Spencer and Tom, joined virtually by Sara and Gerrie talk about Step 1, We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and our lives had become unmanageable. * Why is it difficult to admit my powerlessness? * How do the effects of alcoholism make my life unmanageable? * What is my “First Step story”? * What keeps me holding on to the illusion that I have the power to change someone else? * How do I determine I am powerless over someone else’s behavior? * Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does/did that change how I interact with the drinker? * How do I react when others refuse to be or do as I wish? * What would happen if I stopped trying to change others? ] * How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them? * Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my own life when I do this? * How can admitting powerlessness lead me to new power? * How does Step 1 help me let go of blame and shame? * What tools do I use to find serenity when my life seems unmanageable? Upcoming topics include another “gift of Al-Anon”. “Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new hidden talents.” Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Music from the show Dixie Chicks: Silent House https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JiyK5v0dag Télépopmusik: Breathe The Corrs: What Can I Do? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=234u2ZV8HNY    

This is part 2 of a 4-part seminar titled “Stepping Stones to Serenity”, presented by Ellen C in 2008. This part covers steps 4 through 6.

  This is part 1 of a 4-part seminar titled “Stepping Stones to Serenity”, presented by Ellen C in 2008. This part covers steps 1 through 3.