Betrayal Trauma Recovery

Coach Gaelyn recounts the day when she realized she just could not live life the same way anymore.

Gaslighting In RelationshipsOur APSATS coaches will help you discover your husband's gaslighting and how to deal with it. Coach Sarah is APSATS trained and an expert in helping women find safety in when faced with gaslighting in their relationships. Click here to register for her group Detecting & Confronting Gaslighting.I'm realizing how early I am in my recovery, and how much I don't understand about betrayal trauma and all the complexities of recovery. I'm grateful that you have been with me as I've shared my recovery process with you in real time. Sometimes I feel peace and have hope, and other times I'm upset and hopeless. Good days are beginning to outnumber the bad days.Luckily, I get to associate with the Betrayal Trauma Recovery APSATS coaches regularly, and I learn so much from them!If you are struggling with gaslighting in your relationship, you can schedule a free consultation with one of our coaches.What Is Gaslighting?I interviewed Coach Sarah about examples of gaslighting in the podcast. Coach Sarah: Gaslighting definition: anytime someone attempts to manipulate your perception of reality, your beliefs, your thoughts, your feelings. Someone who is gaslighting is going to try and convince you that your feelings and thoughts are invalid. To truly understand what gaslighting is, we need to look past what is happening to us and focus on how we feel. Gaslighting is what we experience, so the experience of gaslighting is being confused, the inability to understand the truth, a lack of clarity.Examples Of GaslightingConfusion is a big red flag of gaslighting. One example of gaslighting is that when we try to describe our reality, a gaslighter will redirect - so if you accuse your gaslighter of something, the gaslighter will turn around and accuse you of the exact same thing. There's two reasons why:1. If someone isn't in active recovery, they turn things around to hide their compulsive sexual behaviors or they want to get your attention off of themselves so they don't have to be accountable for their actions.2. If someone is in active recovery, they might gaslight when their shame is triggered.If someone is still exhibiting gaslighting behaviors after a year or two of recovery - something is wrong. They may have a personality disorder, like narcissism, or they may be lying about their recovery.What Does Gaslighting Mean?Anne: I've started to realize that being focused on the reason WHY the gaslighting was happening, isn't as important as learning to recognize the gaslighting and establish boundaries to keep myself safe. But in a nutshell, if you are experiencing gaslighting tactics in your marriage, you are not safe - and that means that you need to get help to know what boundaries to set to keep yourself safe.To schedule an appointment to talk to Coach Sarah or any of our other APSATS coaches about the gaslighting in your relationship, click here.

Material from this post is taken from the S-Anon Blue Book, Copyright by S-Anon International Family Groups, P.O. Box 17294, Nashville, TN 37217, (615) 833-3152; reprinted with permission.Is This Gaslighting? How Can We Figure This Out?Last week, I talked about Matthew 9:18 and how I prayed that Jesus could bring my spiritually dead husband back to life.Another woman going 12 Step Scriptures posted Matthew 8:22 on social media, responding to my prayer.In Matthew 8:19, a scribe approaches Jesus and says, “Master, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest.” And in verse 21, “And another of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father.”To me this sounds like a reasonable request. "Hold on while I do this super important thing, then I'll follow you."But Jesus says to him in verse 22, “Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.”I’ve been pondering this verse ever since. What does this mean?If I see this as a metaphor, and that in this case, death is spiritual death, is Christ telling me, “Follow me; let the spiritually dead people focus on other spiritually dead people”?Or in other words, “Follow me; let the spiritually dead worry about the spiritually dead?”Or "If you continue to fret over this spiritually dead person, you too will be come spiritually dead."I don’t know exactly what it means, but I intend to ponder on this more. If anyone has insights, please comment on this post below. You can comment anonymously, and I’d love to hear your thoughts.Step 1: We Admitted We Were Powerless Over Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Abuse, and Pornography Addiction & That Our Lives Had Become UnmanageableThe S-Anon Blue Book gives us some incredible insights into unmanageability. It reads, “We are concerned with two principles in Step One: that we cannot control the sexaholic or his or her sexual behavior, and that because of our attempts to do so our lives have become unmanageable” (S-Anon, 1).I am convinced that pornography addicts exhibit similar behaviors to those with narcissistic personality disorder. The more we attempt to uncover the truth, the more our own reality unravels. Even those of us who are not naturally codependent, find ourselves in a confusing world of drama, attempting to sort out what is really happening and why.“Accepting our powerlessness is our first admission that we “give up.” This may feel defeating and very frightening at first. In the past, we depended upon ourselves to get through every crisis or difficulty. We relied on our intellects, our theologies, our past experiences and on new schemes and strategies we developed. We felt sure that each new strategy would work, and even when it didn’t, we just bounced back with even more self-sufficiency and determination to succeed the next time. Our natural impulses were to take over, to force the issue, to make changes. We perceived ourselves to be more competent that the sexaholic and felt sure that being “strong” was the answer” (S-Anon, 1).“We slowly started to come out of of our denial and isolation, we were able to admit that there was something wrong in our homes and our relationships. We could no longer try to right those wrongs ourselves, so we came for help. Only through this utter surrender do we find strength. Our human will power cannot break the bonds of compulsive behavior, but our admission of powerlessness lays a firm foundation upon which to build our lives” (S-Anon, 3).

***Podcast disclaimer: Early in Anne’s healing journey, as are many women, she was exposed to the codependency model for recovery from being married to a sex addict. She has since realized that she and other wives of addicts have truly experienced betrayal trauma. Betrayal Trauma Recovery no longer supports the codependency model because it has been found to cause more harm than good. Betrayal Trauma Recovery strictly uses the trauma model for assisting women who are seeking peace and safety amid the chaos of their reality. Anne continues to utilize the 12-step manual for developing and improving her own relationship with God. Anne now uses the trauma model for her own healing. You can find more about her thoughts on this podcast here.***  What Is A Codependent? Many women who find out about their husband’s pornography or sex addiction are labeled as codependent, co-addict, or co-sex addict. These terms are used interchangeably and are extremely harmful not just to the wife of an addict, but to the addict themselves. The label, codependent or co-addict, takes accountability away from the addict. You can learn more about codependency and abuse here. It also minimizes what we have been through and what has happened to us as wives of addicts. If you are new to your own healing, you may be wondering if you are codependent. A codependent, as applied to spouses of addicts, is defined as a person who enables someone else's lies, porn use, infidelity or abuse. Labels are powerful tools. They can help or hinder us in our progress towards healing and recovery. The label codependent implies that the victim is, somehow responsible for the addict’s behavior. She is responsible for the crimes against her. While it is empowering to believe that you have some control over someone else, it is also not the reality. Sometimes, professionals and clergy use the term codependent and end up keeping a victim of abuse in the abuse cycle. You can stop being codependent. 9 Ways To Stop Being Codependent: 1. Stop Labeling Yourself As Codependent—You Aren’t The most effective way to stop being codependent is to realize that you aren't codependent. Your behaviors are, likely, an attempt to establish safety. Usually, so-called codependent behaviors don't show up before someone is victimized. Don't take responsibility for your abuser's actions by twisting reality to make his actions your fault. It doesn't matter what you did, he is responsible for his own actions. You do not have the power to control someone else. 2. Stop Saying It’s Codependency—It’s Betrayal Trauma Betrayal Trauma happens when a woman finds out she has been repeatedly lied to, cheated on and abused. Realizing you're in this situation is a process. Most people don't realize that abuse victims, generally, don't know they are being abused. When they find out, it's shocking. The trauma that comes from realizing your life is not what you thought it was is part of betrayal trauma. 3. Stop Saying Safety-Seeking Is Codependent—You Need Safety It is normal for victims of lies, porn use, infidelity and abuse to develop behaviors to establish...

To Healing The Traumatic Experiences Caused By Our Husband's Lies, Infidelity, and Emotional Abuse This morning, I was studying in Matthew Chapter 9, a man approaches Jesus and he says in verse 18, "My daughter is even now dead; but come and lay they hand upon her, and she shall live." It made me think of my soon-to-be-ex-huband who has filed for divorce and made no effort to be reunited with his family. I knelt down and I prayed, "God, my husband is even now dead: but come and lay thy hand upon him, and he shall live." At this point, I feel like he has died spiritually and physically in my life, since I no longer interact with him in any way. My greatest desire is to have my husband be whole and be home. Because I'm in this state of sadness and grief because of my husband's spiritual death and removal from our family, the next verses 20-22 really help me. "Behold, a woman, which was diseased with an issue of blood twelve years, came behind him, and touched the hem of his garment: For she said within herself, If I may but touch his garment, I shall be whole. But Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; they faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour." So I think of those two scriptures, back to back. It is unlikely that my husband will allow himself to be healed due to his current mindset. I have no idea. But I am seeking healing, so I can be healed. I can be made whole from the pain and trauma I've been experiencing by touching the hem of Christ's garment. As I prayed this morning, I had an incredible peace come over me. It was comforting and warm. The feeling I had was all will be well. I will keep you safe. Admitting Life Is Unmanageable Is The Foundation For Healing Admitting our life is completely unmanageable can help us find peace. For many of us, admitting this seems like giving up. Or the powerlessness of our situation seems to increase the trauma. I was single for a long time, didn't get married until I was 30. And during my single years, I would date people and it wouldn't work out, and I had an image in my mind that I was in drowning on a stormy sea. The water was extremely choppy, splashing in my face, and I could barely keep my head above water. I could see God in a boat, far away from me, and He had thrown in a donut shaped life preserver. The life preserver was attached to a rope, and He held the rope. Every time, I reached out to grab the life preserver, God would pull it away, out of my reach. My head would go under water, and I'd come up again gasping, again, trying to grab it. He would again pull it away. I could never reach safety.   Self Care Is Essential To Heal One of my character defects is OCD. I have a hard time being present when it hits because my mind can't let go of my worries and get distracted by my thoughts. My coach suggested to me that I wasn't working good recovery. So I took a break from BTR and I fasted from the internet for three days to get back on track, and get God in my center. My soon-to-be-ex-husband had recently posted a post about me on Facebook, gaslighting everyone, saying that I was the cause of the divorce. I needed to get God back in my center.

What Can Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Do For Me? ***Podcast disclaimer: Early in Anne’s healing journey, as are many women, she was exposed to the codependency model for recovery from being married to a sex addict. She has since realized that she and other wives of addicts have truly experienced betrayal trauma. Betrayal Trauma Recovery no longer supports the codependency model because it has been found to cause more harm than good. Betrayal Trauma Recovery strictly uses the trauma model for assisting women who are seeking peace and safety amid the chaos of their reality. Anne continues to utilize the 12-step manual for developing and improving her own relationship with God. Anne now uses the trauma model for her own healing. You can find more about her thoughts on this podcast here.***  You might be asking, “Why do I need a support group? My husband is the addict, not me.” This question was addressed in more detail in this post here. Finding support can be vital to your healing and recovery from the betrayal and abuse. Learning from other women and finding strength and courage in the support from other women, can make a significant difference. Many women find having a support group to be their most valuable tool. Learn how others have found the support and help that some didn’t even know they were seeking from participating in Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions: Betrayal Trauma Recovery Groups Are Facilitated By A Trained Coach “I worked the ‘Moving Beyond Betrayal’ program with Coach Sarah. This course specifically addresses setting boundaries for partners of sex addicts, but its principles are applicable in all areas of our lives. “An intimate group of amazing women represented different stages of discovery and grief cycles. We came from various backgrounds and bonded together to find solutions to the challenges that women face after the initial shock of disclosure—when we are unable to make sense of reality.  “When I recognized that the feelings attached to the experience of trauma are universal in nature, but there are some unique, heightened and very personal pain-points around this particular addiction, I was able to sort out truth from fiction and find coping tools. “Sarah is instinctive and intuitive. She is unafraid to be flexible as the group congeals. This isn’t a cookie-cutter group with an unmovable agenda—there isn’t one way to approach the challenge of boundaries. “Sex addiction is real. Treat yourself to this healing experience. Transcend the past, move past the ‘crazy’ and stand in your own truth in sisterhood.” ******** “I just happened to find the BTR podcast in the midst of finding out my spouse had been lying and cheating, again—actually, number 6, that I know of. The deepest, darkest moment of my life.  “Words can't express how listening to the podcast truly saved my life and made me feel like there are others out there—I wasn't alone! The words of encouragement, education, support & knowing this situation is for real and I wasn't crazy was so comforting! “After searching the BTR site I noticed services were offered that could help even further. I decided NOW was the time and signed up.

***Podcast disclaimer: Early in Anne’s healing journey, as are many women, she was exposed to the codependency model for recovery from being married to a sex addict. She has since realized that she and other wives of addicts have truly experienced betrayal trauma. Betrayal Trauma Recovery no longer supports the codependency model because it has been found to cause more harm than good. Betrayal Trauma Recovery strictly uses the trauma model for assisting women who are seeking peace and safety amid the chaos of their reality. Anne continues to utilize the 12-step manual for developing and improving her own relationship with God. Anne now uses the trauma model for her own healing. You can find more about her thoughts on this podcast here.***  Many women who have been betrayed by their husband, through pornography, affairs, and masturbation, are left feeling devastated and confused. Some women feel responsible for their husband’s abusive acting out behaviors, so they attempt to “help” him overcome them. Others just don’t know what to do or think. Sometimes, when they seek help, they may be told that they are just as sick as their husband and they are addicted to the addict. They may be told that they just need to be more sexual, or more loving, more understanding, or more … fill-in-the-blank. They may also be told that they are too sensitive, too over-reactive, too angry, too mistrusting, too … fill-in-the-blank. If you’ve been told any of these things, you are not alone. Is It Codependency Or Is It Betrayal Trauma? Many people continue to subscribe to the codependency model of recovery, which says that spouses of addicts are just as sick as the addict. There is something wrong with the spouse and they need to be fixed, just like the addict. The spouse needs to work the 12 Steps just like the addict. If you subscribe to this model, we understand. It’s much easier to believe that you have control—over your situation, your husband’s behavior, etc. Sadly, we don’t have control over other people. We, especially, don’t have control over our husband’s behavior and the situation HE has put us in. We can’t change the past, it’s already happened. Over the last two decades, there have been many mental health professionals that noticed something unusual. Wives of pornography and sex addicts were exhibiting symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Some people find this hard to believe. They don’t understand and this is a new term for them, this “betrayal trauma.” Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, tries to explain betrayal trauma to people, so they can understand what she’s been through. “When I tell people about betrayal trauma, sometimes, I get some strange looks. “Many people don’t know about betrayal trauma, and most people don’t understand it.” What Is Betrayal Trauma? Women who have been betrayed by their husband may feel emotionally isolated and doubt their own personal worth. Their subconscious knows they aren’t safe anymore, so they start behaving differently or start feeling depressed . They start trying to find a cause for their husband’s behavior so they can be safe. They may be labeled as too sensitive, too angry, or too controlling,

Holiday Boundaries Keep Us Safe Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, invites one woman to share her story of setting boundaries around the holidays. “V is sharing today her Thanksgiving experience. Many of us have experiences like this, where we desperately want our families to be a safe and peaceful place, but because of our husband’s behaviors it’s not an option, right now. “I have felt the terror of realizing, my husband hates me, or my husband is always angry and irritable. That terror caused me to ruminate about our interactions, instead of taking action to keep myself safe.” Even around the holidays, when your greatest desire is to be around family, we need to set boundaries and hold them. We deserve to be safe, even around the holidays. Boundaries Keep Us Safe When Our Husband Isn’t Working Recovery V talks about her experience setting boundaries around holiday activities. “My husband and I are currently separated. We've been separated for three months. He is not working recovery right now. That is what led to me asking him to move out—because he was lying constantly and was emotionally abusive. I felt like I was going crazy and it came to a point where I said you have to be working recovery or you can’t live here. “He said he would go to a meeting. I found out that he lied and didn’t go. I asked him to move out, at that point. That was one of the first boundaries that I enforced.” V only wanted to have peace in her home. Her husband’s choices prevented that. She needed clarity, so she set a boundary. “I remember feeling so desperate for a peaceful home, that it was as if I had no other choice than to ask him to leave. I was surrounded by trauma and pain, constantly, because of his lack of recovery.” It can be difficult to hold boundaries, especially when you just want your family to be together and happy. When V had to hold her boundary, it was painful and uncomfortable. Boundaries Can Help Us Have Peace During The Holidays “I’ve held that boundary. It’s been very difficult. I didn’t realize how hard it would be. I did spend Thanksgiving with my husband’s family, and he was there. It was very uncomfortable because I don’t spend much time with my husband, other than interacting when he’s coming by to watch our son while I’m at therapy or group. “Thanksgiving was really hard. Physically being around him was very triggering.” V wanted her family to be together for Christmas.   “We talked about getting a Christmas tree. I love Christmas. It’s my favorite holiday, and I love the idea of my family being together and doing the holiday traditions together. “There are so many things I want to do as a family. I realized this morning that I needed to make a boundary about the amount of time I spend with him. I thought about it for a long time, and I talked with a recovery contact, and I prayed about it.” V let her husband’s actions show her whether he was safe or not. “I came to the conclusion that, as much as I wanted to, I didn’t feel I was safe enough to go get a Christmas tree with my husband, He has not shown me that he is safe for me to spend that time with him and that time as a family. I don’t feel comfortable spending that time with him.” Some women find it helpful to write out their boundaries or what they want to say.

Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, guides us through a meditation of gratitude. “We’re going to do a gratitude meditation. Right now, if you can, find a soft, warm blanket and lay down on the floor flat on your back. Now, cover yourself with said blanket. This meditation will only take a few minutes, but I promise, if you take this time to lay down and relax for a bit, you’ll feel better when we’re done:). “Instead of ruminating on thoughts like, why does my husband hate me or if I could learn how to check the cookies, give yourself a much-needed break from the pain. You've been hurt enough, don't let your thoughts hurt you more. “I’ll wait for a minute for you to do this. Feel free to pause the podcast until you get your blanket. “During this meditation, my words will become your words. I will speak in the first person, so that the words can sink into your subconscious. All you have to do is lay flat on the ground, with no pillow or anything—just a warm, soft blanket over you. This is my Thanksgiving present to you. I meditate often and it helps a lot with my Betrayal Trauma symptoms. “Okay, are you ready? Meditation Can Help You Be Grateful When You’re In Trauma “As I lay here, a wave of relaxation comes over my body. The top of my head opens, and as the relaxation moves up all negative emotions and thoughts float out the top of my head. I am feeling calm and relaxed.  “My toes are like rubber bands dangling from the balls of my feet. From the balls of my feet all the way down through the heels, the muscles and nerves relax. The circulation flows through me, not only relaxing me, but bringing my muscles, nerves, and bones into perfect balance and health.  “All my muscles are long, supple, strong, relaxed and flexible, my ligaments are strong and whole, and my organs work perfectly.  “This relaxation moves up through my ankles. The ankles relax and the muscles and bones are balanced. The relaxation moves up through the calf muscles and the calves relax and grow long. My calf muscles are like long cooked spaghetti dangling from the bone. Energy soothingly surges through my calves and up to my knees. “The relaxation continues up and my thigh muscles grow long and strong. My quads grow long and strong in gentle relaxation. The relaxation moves into the deepest part of my glute muscles. The muscles let go—relaxed, supple, and flexible as energy flows into my inner thighs and tightens them. My pelvic space relaxes, and the energy heals all the muscles and joints. “Moving up through my hips and pelvis, I relax even more. Although the muscles in my pelvis are strong and pull my pelvis into place, the muscles, tendons, joints, and bones elongate and create more space for my organs. My organs are soft and whole. “I see my intestines; they gently dangle over the side. The residue softly squeezes out of my intestines. My intestines are relaxed, completely empty, whole, and clean. I slowly and gently place my intestines back into my lengthened pelvic cavity. “As I let go, the new and vital and fresh flows through me. My pelvic cavity is healed, comfortable and relaxed. The energy surges up through my abdomen.  All my organs are healthy and strong. My liver and kidneys perform perfectly and are effective and clean.   “My torso elongates even more,

Many of our husbands became addicted to pornography at a young age, some as young as eight. With so many children having their own devices or easy access to the internet, they are being exposed as young as four. Exposure is more likely to happen when their father is a pornography addict. Resources Can Help In The Fight Against Harmful Pornography Exposure Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, talks to Kristen Jenson, author of the #1 Bestselling books, Good Pictures Bad Pictures, and Good Pictures Bad Picture, Jr, and founder of Protect Young Minds, about the best ways to prepare our children to respond to exposure. Protecting children became Kristen’s mission, after she received a late-night phone call from a traumatized mother who was dealing with the tragic consequences of her porn-addicted son. Since then, Kristen has become a frequent speaker, and guest, on podcasts and radio broadcasts. She's a member of the Prevention Task Force of the National Coalition to End Sexual Exploitation. She actively blogs at ProtectYoungMinds.org, where she helps parents empower their kids to reject pornography.  Why Protect Children From Harmful Pornography Exposure? After hearing tragic stories of kids getting exposed and addicted to pornography, Kristen wrote “Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids,” to fill a much-needed resource gap. “It all started when I received a late-night phone call from a traumatized mother who told me about her 17-year-old son. He had been sexually molesting his younger siblings—imitating the pornography he’d been viewing from the time he was in elementary school. “The next morning, I searched for a children’s book to explain the dangers of pornography addiction and provide an action plan for how to keep kids safe online.” Good Resources Can Protect Children From Pornography Exposure Unable to find any resources on protecting children from exposure, Kristen teamed up with Dr. Gail Poyner, and spent the next three years writing the Amazon’s #1 best-selling book, Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids. “We wrote Good Pictures Bad Pictures to fill this much-needed resource gap.”  Kristen talks about the five things that her books provide. 5 Ways Good Pictures Bad Pictures Helps Children * It defines pornography. Providing a simple definition can help even the youngest child recognize it and name it. * It provides a plan. Children will be exposed to pornography. Help them develop a plan for when they are. See the CANDO plan below. * It empowers them. “It gives children the power over porn by teaching them how their brains react to it. Kids learn about their thinking brain and their feeling brain. They learn to keep their thinking brain in charge so that pornography can’t hijack their feeling brain.” * It protects from addictions, of all kinds. “Although we are focusing on pornography, the addiction process is very similar, no matter if you have a behavioral addiction like pornography or gambling or video games or a substance addiction.  It’s important for children to understand about all addictions and how they can avoid them.” * It unites the family in the fight against pornography.

***Podcast disclaimer: Early in Anne’s healing journey, as are many women, she was exposed to the codependency model for recovery from being married to a sex addict. She has since realized that she and other wives of addicts have truly experienced betrayal trauma. Betrayal Trauma Recovery no longer supports the codependency model because it has been found to cause more harm than good. Betrayal Trauma Recovery strictly uses the trauma model for assisting women who are seeking peace and safety amid the chaos of their reality. Anne continues to utilize the 12-step manual for developing and improving her own relationship with God. Anne now uses the trauma model for her own healing. You can find more about her thoughts on this podcast here.***  When women find out about their husband’s pornography use, it can be devastating and confusing. It can be like trying to put together a puzzle without all the pieces. It can be overwhelming to try to figure out what is really happening. Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, talks about betrayal and abuse. “Betrayal takes many different forms. The most common form of betrayal is lying. Other forms are emotional abuse, pornography use, infidelity, and being emotionally unavailable. Betrayal is breaking or violating a promise or trust and it creates emotional and mental conflict.” The Betrayal Trauma And The Truth Sometimes, our intuition, or “gut,” tells us that something is off in our marriage. These feelings can be brushed aside because, as far as we know, there is nothing that we can see that is wrong. Anne says: “Even without understanding the extent of the lies, I knew something was wrong.  “I felt my husband's hatred for me oozing out of him. He tried to hide it, but he couldn't. As I tried to figure out what was happening, his disdain for me grew. “I have realized that, when my husband lied to me and cheated on me, he had to hate me more and more to justify his actions. Choosing to view someone in that light, to avoid accountability is a betrayal itself.” Betrayal Trauma Is A Result Of Lies For many women, the lies are the most difficult part of this whole experience. Lying is the most common form of betrayal and abuse. From Anne: “Lying enables someone to control a situation, essentially, exploiting the person or people they’re lying to. It enables the addict to control your perception of the situation and remain active in his compulsive sexual behaviors while maintaining his relationship with you.  “He has ‘reasons’ to betray you, which are actually lies. Sex addicts love to portray themselves as unable to control their hormonal urges, which is untrue. Without lying, an active abuser and an addict’s whole world falls apart.  “When someone lies to you, they take away your dignity. “The philosopher Kant said that a person's intrinsic worth (human dignity) allows them to act as rational as possible and make their own decisions. When you're being lied to, it harms your dignity by purposefully withholding key information, that you need to make key decisions. “Lies are traumatizing. When I realized I wasn’t living the life I thought I was, I began suffering intense trauma episodes of uncontrollable crying and panic.

Know That Trauma Triggers HappenAnne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, still gets triggered. She still has those days.“I’m having a really bad day. Just when I think I’m feeling better and that everything is going to be okay, the trauma hits, and the only thing that goes through my mind is that I want my husband back. I want him to come home."“It’s been over a year since we separated, and, still, I ruminate on thoughts like, My husband hates me. Why does he hate me? My husband betrayed me. Why? “He has the kids this week and it’s a beautiful, beautiful fall day. I would give anything to be with my husband and children again, as a family. I have these days, sometimes—I’m still healing—where I wonder when I will be able to truly heal.“Right now, in this moment of trauma, I feel like the only way I could heal is if he repents, truly changes, and comes home to us. Then the ruminating thoughts come back: My husband lies. My husband doesn't love me.” Reach Out When Your Trauma Is TriggeredAnne struggled with knowing that she had continued to be faithful and her, now ex, husband was still choosing his addiction and abusiveness.“This whole year, I’ve been faithful to my husband and to the commandments. I’ve prayed, I’ve fasted. I’ve gone to therapy, and I trust that God will heal me, eventually. Right now, in this moment of trauma, the pain is intense.“I keep praying, God, please, save my family. Please. I don’t want to get divorced. I don’t want my family to be separated like this.”When you are triggered, you might feel like doing something that could put you in danger. When she’s triggered, Anne reaches out to a safe person.“On a day like this, a few months ago, I called one of my friends from support group and told her that I just want to tell him, that I just want to talk to him and be able to explain things to him.“She said, ‘Because of his current mindset, he’ll think it’s about how great he is, not how forgiving and loving and caring and what a wonderful person you are. It will just set you up to be abused and hurt again.’”If you are struggling to find a safe support group, try Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group (BTRG). BTRG provides a safe place for women to share their experiences. Each group is facilitated by a BTR Coach.Boundaries Can Help You Manage Your TriggersSetting and holding boundaries is probably one of the most difficult things we may have to do to stay safe. We can struggle to keep our boundaries. For help, try an Individual Session on Setting & Holding Healthy Boundaries. Realizing that your boundaries are there to keep you safe from the abuse, can help you remember why you have them.Anne really struggled with holding the court-ordered no contact boundary.“It has been really hard to hold the no contact boundary for this long. There have been nights where I just cling to the sheets on my bed—it’s so painful and difficult. I have held my boundary for over a year."I’ve only had one conversation with him at a soccer game. It was so strange. He didn’t show any emotion, and, as I cried, he patted me on the shoulder from a distance, and brought up strange things that didn’t make sense.“This didn’t, in any way, indicate that he was safe or that he was changed, or anything. It was just strange.“Right now, I have faith.

We install security alarms in our homes. We have working smoke alarms, carbon monoxide alarms, and we teach our children how to get out of the home safely. We do everything we can to protect our home from “bad guys.” Unfortunately, all these things don’t always keep them out. If they are determined, the “bad guys” will find their way in. The same should be true for the media that comes into our home. We should be doing everything we can to protect our homes from pornography. Sadly, no one really thinks about this, until it’s too late.   Technologically Protecting Your Children From Pornography Although there is no filter that is 100% guaranteed to keep the porn out, it isn’t useless to have one, or two. Having filters can be a huge measure to prevent your children from accidental exposure. Just like with a burglar alarm, a filter is one safety measure. There are additional steps we can take to prevent exposure and protect our families as much as possible.   Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery says: Installing internet filters are an important step towards safety in the home, but no number of filters will stop an addict who chooses to seek it out. Filters, though a helpful tool, are not the final answer to solve this “problem." As a parent or spouse, you have every right to insist that your home be pornography-free. Here are some steps you can take: 6 Ways To Protect Your Children From Pornography * Limit access by turning on Google Safe Search. * Limit access by filtering from the router level. * Disable your child's ability to download new apps. * Watch out for Instagram, Snapchat and other dangerous apps. * Follow Protect Young Minds and Educate and Empower Kids. * Set parental controls on TVs, gaming devices and other internet portals. For added measure, you can install accountability software, like Covenant Eyes. These are just some of the things that you can do to prevent accidental exposure. However, just like with your home safety plan, there are additional steps that need to be taken. Mentally Protecting Your Children From Pornography In our home safety plans, we teach our children what they should do in case of a fire, burglary, or other emergency. We teach them how to dial 9-1-1. We teach them our address and phone numbers. We even make sure they know our first names, not just Mommy and Daddy. We do all this to prepare them for an emergency. We should do the same thing for pornography and internet safety. Luckily, there are a few organizations that have made this easy for us.

We have Sidreis, author of the recovery blog By The Light of Grace, here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery with us today. She’s also the creator of LDS Addiction Recovery Blogs. She works the steps--even when she’s grumpy! Welcome Sidreis!!Sidreis: Even when I’m grumpy! Thanks, I’m happy to be here!Anne: So Sidreis and I were texting a few days ago and she said, and I quote, “I’m not shiny-happy right now.” Sidreis: There’s this added layer of perceived expectations on my part that other’s are expecting me to be shiny-happy. As if they are thinking, because she works recovery (and because of my perceived expectations that they think that recovery looks shiny-happy) I have to be shiny-happy. It’s this back and forth assuming of what other people think. Using The Surrender Process In 12 StepAnne: So pause there for a minute. I often surrender in my program, and the process that I use is this: I write my surrender first, then I pray, then I call my sponsor, then I put it in my box. That’s my process, and I often surrender other people's perceptions. Actually, my surrender box is my husband’s old sock drawer.Sidreis: Nice! Does it stink? Were the socks clean or dirty? Anne: They were clean before he moved out. It was just this empty drawer and it reminded me of all my sadness and all my pain. So that’s where I put all my surrenders now. And it literally fills up with post-it notes. I look through them occasionally and some of the things I surrendered I don’t even think about anymore! I don’t even worry about them. Sidreis: Because you surrendered it to the drawer.Anne: Well, to God. Like surrendering the world’s perceptions so you don’t have that pressure.Sidreis: Yes! And then you’re free to be who you want. And sometimes I'm, I’m shiny-happy people! and sometimes I'm not. I’ve been struggling with depression lately. Another added layer of another expectation that tries to push me into the shame thinking of, But you have a good life, and your family is so awesome, and you have recovery, and you have good jobs, and you’re a good member of the church, you have no reason to be depressed, so why are you depressed, you are so awful for being depressed. It’s just like dangit, I can’t get away from it! But recovery has allowed me to voice when I’m depressed. So to people who ask, "How are you doing", I can say honestly, "Not so good. I’m not feeling real good right now and I have no idea why." But surrender in recovery also allows me to show that "weakness" if you will and ask for help, because if I don’t show that weakness that disallows me from asking for help. Sometimes asking for help, for me, is literally saying the words, "I need help with this." But most often it’s just creating the space where I can voice it. Going to group or talking to my support group network and saying, "I’m having a crappy day right now. I’m not shiny-happy people right now." Group creates a space between us where I can be honest about that and not expect to be judged or fixed. Instead, I can expect to hear, "I’m glad that you’re being honest about where you’re at. That’s what we are wanting to hear." It's so validating.Anne: Absolutely. There are days where I am very down, and then sometimes I realize it’s because I forgot to take my antidepressant medication.Is It Okay To Take An Anti-Depressant When I Work 12 Step?

While there are many similar symptoms, betrayal trauma looks different for everyone. This is one woman’s story of how she experiences betrayal trauma. What Does Betrayal Trauma Look Like? “I wanted to talk about what betrayal trauma feels like for me. I had never heard about betrayal trauma before. When I first found out about my husband's addiction three years ago, I went deep into trauma, but I didn't have a word for it. For me it just felt like anger, a lot of intense anger. I had never been a “swearer” before, but when I’m in trauma mode I turn into a sailor and swear a lot. “A lot of anger, a lot of guilt—that’s what it felt like for me. When I first came across this feeling after D-Day [discovery/disclosure day] I tried to cope with the situation by freezing. I just froze. I did nothing. I pretended that everything was hunky-dory, completely ignoring the fact that my husband betrayed me. I lived in freeze mode for a good two years.” Within those two years, she’d had another baby. Around this time, she started experiencing anxiety attacks, that, she feels, were intensified by the trauma. After her baby was born, she also experienced postpartum depression and other mental health issues. She started taking medication for her anxiety and depression. Betrayal Trauma Can Cause Mental Health Issues Now she can look back and connect her mental health issues with her unprocessed trauma. “I experienced anxiety, depression, headaches, and insomnia. When I'm in trauma mode I cannot sleep at all. It is so hard for me to fall asleep. My brain just thinks and thinks and thinks and thinks and it’s really hard for me to shut it off. “I remember the first time I heard about betrayal trauma. It was when I first started attending a support group. I remember they were using all these words like boundaries, triggers and betrayal trauma and I thought, ‘What is this foreign language? I don’t know what they are talking about!’” As she learned more about betrayal trauma, the more she realized she desperately needed help. She felt validated because the anger, guilt and anxiety wasn’t just her going crazy like she had thought. She also realized that she wasn’t alone in her feelings and symptoms. It was very validating for her to know this. There’s a line in the script that they read at the beginning of their support group meetings that describes how she feels when she is in trauma. “Without spiritual help, living with, or having lived with, a sex addict is too much for most of us. We become nervous, irritable, and unreasonable; our thinking becomes confused, and our perspective distorted.” She goes on to say, “I love that we get to read that weekly in our meetings to kind of remind us how that feels, and then we can go on and talk about how we can overcome that.” Attending Support Groups Can Help You Identify Your Trauma “Now that I have been in good recovery for about 10 months now. It kind of changes the betrayal trauma. I mean I still get in that trauma mode, but now I find more often, than not, I’m able to recognize it more quickly. I used to go weeks without realizing I was in trauma mode. “The more into recovery I go the sooner I am able to recognize that I am in trauma mode and I’m able to kind of track back the days or the hours and pinpoint what the trigger was that started it.