Betrayal Trauma Recovery

Online, Professional Support For Abused Women Having a daily support system is crucial when attempting to establish safety in your life. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group is affordable--less expensive than many in-person groups and a lot less expensive than one-on-one coaching. The amount of privacy that is provided is ideal. You can get up at any time of night or morning and talk about the things on your mind. The nice thing is someone is going to get back to you right away.  My initial training is in the area of the sex addiction itself. I did the training through the American Association of Sex Addiction Therapy. I did actually follow up with that to get certification to work with those sex addicts and the partner, although today I am more interested in working just with the partners and occasionally couples. There was a very strong intimacy anorexia component to this training so I am very comfortable working with women who are struggling with this particular issue in their marriage. While I am a partner myself, I am very familiar with betrayal trauma from a personal experience standpoint. After finishing training with AASA, I really wanted to be trained by APSATS - the Association of Partners of Sex Addiction Trauma Specialists. I knew I really wanted the in-depth knowledge and up-to-date information on how to address partner trauma. I had experienced it myself but it was wonderful to get the training by Barb Stephens and get all of the up-to-date information on it. Professional Support Services For Wives Of Sex Addicts I have also completed the coursework to be certified in therapeutic separation in order to assist couples who are interested in exploring how various forms of separation can help them explore the future of their relationship. I want to say a little about this because I don't ever want anyone to think that I am encouraging separation. What I have found in this training is that probably 99% of us are in a form of separation from our partners anyway because it includes a psychological separation. What this training has given me is a 10-step process or framework to help them go this period in a structured way and really look and see what they need to make the relationship work. Lastly, I have training as a Stephen's Minister which means I can offer Christian-led coaching. I am very well versed in client's processing grief and spiritual questions. Not that I have the answers to all of those questions necessarily but I am definitely comfortable sitting with people in their grief and processing those questions with them. Anne: Those are good things to know, Coach Laura. This is what I love about our coaches--they are experts in these topics, helping women in Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group and in individual sessions. Coach Laura, what principles stand out most as you coach women through this process? How Do I Heal From My Husband's Cheating? Coach Laura: All of the APSATS coaches on BTR follow the APSATS model of having the three phases of trauma healing: safety and stabilization, grieving and processing, and reconnection. Of course this isn't necessarily a linear process but among those stages, there are key principles that I work with my clients on. In the safety and stabilization stage, I really stress the importance of values, living and setting boundaries to protect the values,

Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery. I'm Anne. Kristen Jensen is here today - one of my friends from the anti-pornography movement. She's amazing. I've known her for a long time. She is the author of the Good Pictures Bad Pictures series of read aloud books, including the best-selling Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn Proofing Today's Young Kids. We use this in our home; it's one of my favorite books for kids. I've known her for a long time. She is the author of the Good Pictures Bad Pictures series of read aloud books, including the best-selling Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn Proofing Today's Young Kids. We use this in our home; it's one of my favorite books for kids. She is the founder of protectyoungminds.org, a website dedicated to helping parents empower their kids to reject pornography. Recently she was invited to testify before the Washington State Senate Law and Justice Committee on the public health crisis of pornography. Kristen is a frequent guest and speaker on podcasts, radio broadcasts, and is a leader in the Prevention Task Force of the National Coalition to End Sexual Exploitation. Personally, she is a mother of two daughters and a son who is waiting for her in heaven. She lives with her husband in the beautiful state of Washington. She earned her BA in English Literature and her MA in Organizational Communication. Welcome, Kristen! Many Parents Ask, "How Do I Check Cookies?" But, That's Not Enough Anymore Kristen: Hi Anne! Thanks for having me! Anne: I LOVE Good Pictures Bad Pictures Jr! Kristen gave me a copy and I've been using it with my 5-year-old and my 2-year-old. It is so helpful. I am so excited to announce that Kristen has donated three copies of Good Pictures Bad Pictures Jr to our listeners. So if you have a child ages 3-6, you need this book! Please go to our Instagram profile @betrayaltraumarecovery. Follow us on Instagram; tag three of your friends who also have children ages 3-6 so they can be made aware of this really important resource for kids. The giveaway will end Wednesday at 6 pm. You will be notified via private message on Instagram. Tell me, Kristen, why did you write a book about pornography for young kids? Kristen: I saw that there was a problem. It took three years and then as I was speaking, I had parents of younger children--because our original book is for ages 7-11, even though therapists have used it for adults; the principles and concepts are for any age--ask if I could write a book for younger children. It took my breath away the first time I was asked that! Younger children are on the internet so we need to safe guard them and train them how to respond to bad pictures--to recognize what they are and have a plan of what to do when they see them. Anne: I have your Can Do Plan taped to my 8 and 5-year-olds wall. Kristen: Awesome! This is from the original book. It is great! The first three steps from the Can Do plan is to help children know exactly how to respond when they see it: close your eyes, tell a trusted adult, and name it when you see it. All these things help the thinking brain reject pornography. The last two, the D and O, are distract yourself and always keep the thinking brain the boss; I explain more about it in the book; these things help children deal with the shocking memories that pornography creates. These memories come back to haunt them and sometimes lure them back into curiousl...

Lisa Taylor is here with us today. Lisa is a pastoral sexual addiction specialist and a post-grad counseling student living in New Zealand. She has spent the last several years counseling and supporting women whose lives, like our own, have been impacted by husbands with sex addiction, sex offending, or sexual integrity issues. Her books on this topic include Beyond Betrayal, Beyond Betrayal Couple’s Guide and There's What On My Phone? - a fictional story for youth who struggle. She also runs an online community blog for partners at beyondbetrayal.community. Welcome, Lisa. Lisa: Thank you, Anne. Women Who Are Betrayed Have Every Right To Question God Anne: Lisa, you did a survey a couple of years ago on the topic of spiritual crisis in the lives of partners of sex addicts. Can you tell us about that? Lisa: A couple of years ago when I was still working on Beyond Betrayal, it struck me that this was an important topic to get some information about to include in the book and at the same time Marsha Means who runs The Circle of Joy was interested in starting groups for people who are struggling with this aspect of the journey. We got together and asked what we all wanted to know and put together some questions, then we sent it out to Marsha’s mailing list and we had over 100 women get back to us and share their stories with us. Anne: I bet you had a lot of pain that came back to you. Lisa: Absolutely, a lot of incredible stories. Anne: What was your particular interest in the topic? Lisa: I guess the reason why I really felt like I wanted to include something about this in the book was because I had experienced this; I had a background since I was a little kid. Those who know me a little bit more know I am in my second marriage right now to a man who is recovering from his porn addiction. My first marriage didn't make it. And particularly as that first marriage was falling apart, I was very active in my local church. I hid a lot of abuse and went through a deep spiritual crisis that would last for years. I really questioned if God could still love me because I was being rejected by the church for making a stand and walking away from this poisonous relationship with a man who was not willing to get help for his sex addiction. He wasn't even willing to stop lying. I really felt this was some of the lowest points in my life. I think having my faith pulled out from underneath me was part of why this was such a low, low time for me. I really felt that had there been support, had there been people talking about this, perhaps I wouldn't have hit such a low point, perhaps it would have been an easier journey. Anne: When you say you hid abuse, do you mean that you were abused by the church? Lisa: Yes, unfortunately. Mine is one of many, many stories; they are all slightly different but a similar thread runs through all of them: somehow, it's not the man's fault, it's the woman's. If she decides to set a strong boundary that she is leaving if he does not get help....I got threatening letters form a pastor throughout the 4-5 years I was single, living as a solo mom in a different city with a full-time job. Eventually this resulted in a death threat. It was interesting because my mother,

What Is Relapse Preparedness When It Comes To Betrayal Trauma?I hear on a daily basis the deep fear and anxiety women express that their guys might relapse: in other words, that their partners will step away from recovery and healing, returning instead to their previous patterns of compulsive and secretive sexual behavior. So, at a very basic level, I’ve always known that relapse is a topic of significant concern to us women who are surviving and healing from sexual betrayal trauma.Even if the job of preventing a relapse doesn’t fall within our reach and responsibility, that doesn’t mean we need to sit back passively and leave our emotional fate in the hands of the sex addicts or porn addicts with whom we share life. That planted the seed for me to begin asking myself and my colleagues, “So if we can’t actively prevent the pain and trauma of a possible relapse, what kind of productive and proactive actions can we take, on our own behalf, in the meantime?"To see our individual sessions facing What If He Relapses? click here.How Can We Heal From Betrayal Trauma While Also Preparing For The Worst Case Scenario?Relapse is something women tend to fear deeply—and with good reason: it’s something that does happen, and when it happens, it brings with it a whole deluge of painful emotions.For women who choose to stay in their relationships after experiencing their husband's abusive behaviors stop, there’s an incalculable amount of emotional risk involved. When that emotional risk is met with ongoing incidents of abuse, the wounds from a woman's initial discoveries often deepen, worsen and fundamentally destabilize her past, present and future efforts toward betrayal trauma recovery. Women describe it as . . .* ripping the scab off their wounds* pulling the rug out from under me* stabbing me in the back* taking me for granted* betraying me with a kiss* breaking my heart all over again* knocking me back to square oneHow Did You Feel When You Found Out Your Husband Was Lying to You?We’ve all heard that saying, “Fool me once? Shame on you. Fool me twice. Shame on me.” That concept is deeply and organically present for women who decide to try and salvage their traumatized relationships. I often hear my clients say they feel stupid for believing that their guys might successfully change. They often say they feel “pitiful and pathetic” (the two P words) for choosing to stay and for hoping to experience healing rather than a recurrence of harm.In the aftermath of a relapse, a client may feel like she somehow asked for or allowed this to happen, expressing fear that she did something to trigger to the relapse, or she’ll express regret over something she didn’t do to support his recovery. Without a doubt, across the board, clients express an increase in their emotional distress and a decrease in their  hope and faith in recovery—which makes sense, especially when their early attempts at healing within the relationship are seemingly invalidated by this sexual relapse and the betrayal trauma that accompanies it.What is a “relapse,” anyway. Is it different than a "slip?" Does it matter what we call it? And what if my husband and I disagree about this?When addiction specialists use the term “slip,” they’re often describing a one-time or short-term lapse back toward compulsive sexual behavior—a lapse that ends with some kind of swift and serious self-intervention. When an addict “slips,

Healing My Self-Worth & Self-Image 2 Hour Class Led by Coach Sarah REGISTER - Saturday 1PM Eastern (USA) The group will start as soon as it fills. Limited to 12 participants (minimum 6) This group is lovingly crafted to: 1) Help you see where childhood messages, our culture, and the betrayals we’ve faced have damaged our self-worth and self-image. 2) Find inspiration to see yourself in a new way. 3) Teach you tools to combat this on-going struggle. “Perhaps, we should love ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us, they know exactly how it should be done.” – Rudy Francisco. In our culture, our self-worth is often derived from our self-image.  This is the exact opposite of how we find freedom, confidence, and peace from the endless striving to be something or someone else. Add to that the damage done by the unrealistic representations pornography puts out there, or the comparison to affair / acting out partners, and most women dealing with betrayal trauma have had their self-worth and self-image shattered. This group aims to help you see yourself differently, and empower you to love yourself fiercely – connecting you to a place of truth that, with work, will not easily be taken away from you ever again. In this group, we will: * Take a look at the negative messages we’ve come to believe about ourselves from childhood, our culture, our marriage/relationship, and the betrayal we’ve endured. * Identify the lies in these negative messages, and work to reframe them to reflect the truth about who we really are. * Work through a few tools to help us connect with our self-love, and craft mantras that will help us. * STAY connected to that self-love when the gremlins pop up and try to rob us of our peace and self-love. For more details, email Coach Sarah at sarah@btr.org Anne: Sarah, why is the topic of self-worth/self-image important to you? Coach Sarah: I have met a lot of women as a coach in this area – brilliant, beautiful, caring, amazing women.  And almost without fail, they do NOT see themselves this way.  Because they are traumatized, they feel weak, broken… almost like “damaged goods”.  I deeply desire to help women see themselves differently… as forces to be reckoned with; loving, giving, funny, intelligent…  because once a woman really, truly connects with this – no one can take it away from her again!  She KNOWS her worth, and she won’t settle for less!  And I’m convinced that our self-image – the way we view ourselves, correlates directly with our self-worth. Wives Of Pornography Users Have Lower Self-Worth / Self-Image I think our culture has done a pretty “good” job of giving women inferiority complexes.  There are so many messages/images of how a woman should look, act, walk; what kind of job she should have, what interests she should carry, etc.  Where our women are impacted differently is,

I have Amy Kate back with us this week. Amy Kate is an advocate for partners of sexual addicts. She is a survivor two marriages that ended as a result of sexual addiction. She has six amazing children. She is trained by the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS). She is also trained by the American Association of Sex Therapy. She is also a customer service representative at Covenant Eyes. Covenant Eyes is an accountability and filtering software that is one of many tools that we need to use in our own recovery, both for the safety of ourselves and families. Amy: Hi. I'm glad to be back. Anne: We are going to talk about demystifying the behavior of sex addicts today. Being a recovering drug addict I'm sure has its advantages when you are talking about your ex-husband's sexual addiction and how that worked and how devastating it was. Can you talk about the definition of insanity and where you were in that process of serving your husband's behaviors and being in the chaos and not able to figure out exactly what was happening? When we are in a relationship with an active pornography addict or an active sex addict, why is there some much chaos? Why is it so difficult to get to the bottom of what is really going on? Amy: To a non-addict person, when you see these behaviors that are insane--this is kind of what they look like--and they make absolutely no sense; you are unable to wrap your head around why they do the things they do. I tend to think this all comes from cognitive dissonance. The brain wants homeostasis. It wants everything to be calm and centered and make sense and not be chaotic. Cognitive dissonance is the theory that when you have a certain set of beliefs and moral standards and your actions don't match that, it creates its own chaos and a super uncomfortable feeling inside of you. So we have someone who knows that porn is some version of cheating, they know they aren't supposed to, they know they are hurting their wife, they know that having that affair is going to devastate their wife, but they are still doing it. In order to have those two things balanced within the brain, something has to change. They have three choices: * They can change their beliefs so they can decide that cheating is somehow ok. They can decide that porn is ok. This doesn't usually happen though because usually our beliefs are our beliefs. * They can change the action: they could stop doing the behavior but that is not as easy as it sounds. * Or they can change their perception. When they change their perception, this is where you tend to see all the other crazy-making behaviors that drive us insane. Anne: talk about that. Do you mean their perception of their wife? Amy: Their perception of everything starts to change. Essentially, when they are changing their perception, they are changing their reality to make their behaviors fit what they believe. We'll use lying which is probably one of the most rage-igniting things when it comes to partners. The lying drives us insane. But the addict will change the way he views things like the female he is talking to all of the time and ends up having an emotional affair with, "she is just a friend; I don't even think she is pretty!

Today we have Amy Kate, an advocate for partners of those with sexual addictions and a survivor of two marriages that ended as a result of sexual addiction. She has six awesome kids and is trained through The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS), as well as the American Association for Sex Addiction Therapy (AASAT). She is a fierce warrior determined to point women to freedom and healing found at the feet of Jesus. She is also a customer service representative for Covenant Eyes.  Discovery Day: The Day Everything In Your Life Falls Apart When You Find Out About Your Husband's Affair Anne: We are going to talk to you about your personal story. We know that you went through two marriages due to sex addiction. Let's focus on the second marriage and what happened there. Can you tell us what your life was like before D-day in your second marriage? Amy: I was divorced from my first husband who was a porn addict and I met this guy who was everything I never imagined existed. He was soft, sweet, feminine but not in a weird way; he was just a super, awesome guy. I was actually not a Christian at the time; neither was he. We dated for a couple of years and then we bought a house together and we went to church where we both were saved. When we got saved we got convinced for living together so we got married. I already had six children from my first marriage and he was a very good step dad. My children were rather young. It was a pretty normal like. I had the kind of relationship that my friends were jealous of because my husband was always home, he would do chores, he didn't leave his underwear on the floor!, he looked like a model man. Life was good. I had all kinds of health problems but despite this, he was just good. In 2010, after a couple of major surgeries and a foreclosure on my house, we moved and everything began to change in the relationship. He was very different and I couldn't figure out why. Of course I thought it was me or my kids; it couldn't possibly have been him. I started to create my own world outside of him. I had been a stay-at-home mom, which I loved, but I opened up a photography studio. We were a pretty normal couple. Should You Believe Your Husband When He Says He Doesn't View Porn? We didn't go to church which is unfortunate; I kept trying to get him to try new churches but he was resistant. As time progressed, he got more and more distant; I began to see more anger and our sex life pretty much disappeared. One day, September 20, 2012, I was on his computer (we had each other's passwords)--we didn't have anything to hide, right? I looked at his history even though I'm not sure why--he swore he never watched porn - and I believed him. I saw a bunch of meet-up groups in his history and all of the profiles he looked at were female. I thought this was really weird but I brushed it off thinking he was looking for a tech meet-up group because he is a tech guy. As I kept looking and seeing the female profiles, it was literally like a lightbulb went off and out loud, to myself, said, "My husband's having an affair." But I couldn't see anything so I ended up combing through his computer to find something and I couldn't find anything. So then I went upstairs and got his phone and I began to look through it...

Join Coach Gaelyn as she walks beginners through the ground-zero basics of boundaries.

Is Sex Possible After My Husband Cheated On Me?If you're wondering who I am and why I do this, I am a woman who has experienced betrayal. My ex-husband is a sex addict and he exhibited lying, gaslighting, and emotional abuse when he lived in the home.  He is still exhibiting these behaviors; he is still a sex addict who exhibits lying, gaslighting, emotional abuse, and narcissistic traits. I am here podcasting through my own recovery process. We have MJ Denis here with us again this  week. She is a licensed counselor, a licensed marriage and family therapist associate, a certified sex therapist, and she is a certified APSATS coach as a clinical partner trauma specialist. She works in Austin, texas, in private practice at Crossroads Counseling Associates where she counsels individuals and couples who have experienced or been affected by sex addiction. Welcome back MJ.MJ: Hi, thank you for having me. It's good to be back.Anne: Today we are going to talk about healthy sexuality after sexual betrayal. Last week we talked about that a person has the right to say no, that they can say no, that saying no may be in a person's best interest by helping to establish safety. Today we are going to talk about the other side of this. How do couples get from D-Day to healthy sexuality with someone who has betrayed them, especially if the betrayal involved chronic compulsive behaviors.MJ: The first step is to create safety and stability. In order to get from discovery to healthy sexuality a couple must have safety and stability in their relationship. Sometimes we start by making sure the betrayed spouse has food, clothing, and shelter; that her basic safety needs are met. The next step is to make sure there is no more cheating, no more betrayal, no more active acting out. Also in creating this safety and stability, I believe a disclosure is necessary so the betrayed spouse knows what has happened and can make some decisions to stay safe and whether or not she wants to continue with the repair process.Safety Must Come First When It Comes To Healthy SexIt's very important in this first stage of moving moving from D-Day to healthy sexuality, that a safety plan is in place where boundaries are discussed to keep both parties safe so the couple knows about communication, about visitation, about topics they can talk about so everyone is on the same page.Anne: As we talked about last week, part of the establishing safety process is making sure the emotional abuse has ended as well, although this is a long process. I think the D-Day to the healthy sexuality is like, "Fasten your seat belts! This is going to be a process and going to take awhile. It is not going to happen in three weeks." Someone in my group recently stated that they have made a goal to be emotionally healthy by October.I laughed because I thought how we are all working towards emotional health. I think addicts must look at it this way: I'm going to go into this recovery process and I am going to check off the 12 steps, be sober for 6 weeks, and then we can have sex again...However, the process is not linear nor is it something to check off a list. Learning to determine our safety is part of the process.At the beginning, at least with me, I didn't really know what this meant. So part of my process was to determine how I felt being honest with myself and then to figure out what I really needed to do to feel safe. MJ, what gets in the way of healthy sexuality after betrayal in terms of the betrayed spouse?

I am so honored and excited to have MJ Denis with us today. She is a licensed professional counselor, a licensed marriage therapist associate, a certified sex therapist, and she is APSATS certified as a clinical partner trauma specialist in Austin, Texas. She works in private practice at Crossroads Counseling Associates where she counsels individuals and couples who have experienced or been affected by sex addiction. Today we are going to talk about safe sex after sexual betrayal. When we say "safe sex," we mean emotional, physical, and sexual safety.  Anne: MJ, in thinking about this topic, where do we even start? Sexual Safety After You've Found Out About Your Husband's Lies, Affair, Cheating, Porn Use, & Abuse MJ: We are very much in the "buddy system" when we choose our spouse. It's really a matter of, "Hey, I'll get your back; you get mine. I'll keep you safe and you keep me safe and we'll look out for each other." When we are in relationship with someone and our person has secretive behaviors, whether with another person or with pornography, this betrayal registers as a safety risk. Our amygdala--the part of our brain that helps us detect danger and threat--registers betrayal as danger. Our brain actually registers betrayal as a matter of life and death. Anne: It sure feels like that. MJ: Yes. In working with partners I often hear stories about how they discovered their partner's sex addiction or their betrayal behaviors. Ladies will tell me when they found out about the betrayal, it took them to their knees. Some women throw up. Some can't breathe. Some can't get off the floor because their person is their person for safety and when they are betrayed and their brain says, "I'm not safe; I'm not okay in the world," ladies really loose their ability to function at times. Many partners report to me that they get sick, they lose weight, they can't go to work. This discovery registers as a crisis, as a danger, as a matter of life and death. Anne: I felt that, right after my husband's arrest, when I realized things were as bad as they were because before I did not understand my true situation with his addiction and then related behaviors. I lost 15 pounds in 3 weeks. I couldn't eat or sleep; it was really bad, especially realizing that my person who I was relying on was never safe; I just didn't know it until that moment. A Spouses Betrayal Registers As An Extreme Safety Risk If our spouse betrays us and it registers as a safety risk, how can wives of addicts ever feel safe with an unfaithful spouse again? MJ: People really experience dissonance when their spouse betrays them. Going back to us being in a relationship that registers to us as "safety; I'm your person; I've got your back; I've with you; You're with me..." we turn to our spouse as a source of safety. When there is betrayal, the person who was supposed to be safe is the source of pain. So many times in the aftermath of betrayal, ladies will tell me they will experience a "come here, go away syndrome." "Come here, my husband, come here for safety...but wait, you've betrayed me and lied to me; you've cheated. Go away for safety....wait, where are you going...come back for safety." This can happen emotionally--wanting to go to our husband for safety so he can understand us and hold us emotionally; we can also go towards our husband for sexual sa...

Coach Gaelyn and Coach Sarah introduce Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group, and how it can help you.

Grateful For My Betrayal Trauma Journey On this 4th of July, I want to give my thanks for all of you, for being on this recovery journey with me. I feel more free, more happy even though my problems are the same. I still have serious financial problems. My ex is still abusive, so I have to maintain the no contact boundary with him. I’m grateful for myself that I’ve been continuing my own work to recovery from the narcissistic abuse that I suffered as a result of my husband’s pornography addiction. I continued to do the right things, even when it was hard, and even when I didn’t feel like it. And now the peace and hope I feel is breathtaking. Doing this one step at a time, things get better. APSATS Coaches Help Women Heal From The Pain Of Infidelity & Abuse I’m also grateful for the APSATS coaches that work for Betrayal Trauma Recovery. I interact with them everyday, and because of them and God, I’m feeling healed. I need to take a moment to celebrate that. Rebuilding Trust In Yourself Coach Sarah is known in the APSATS community as an expert in boundaries. Schedule an individual session with her to determine how you can improve your boundaries. Why APSATS Coaching Is Your Best Option For Dealing With Your Husband’s Pornography Addiction, Gaslighting, & Abuse I was recently APSATS trained, and I came away realizing that therapy is for pathological issues. Coaching is for women who don’t have anything wrong with them, like you. You are in a situation that is very difficult, with a man who has serious pathological issues, but you are reacting in normal ways to betrayal and abuse. But there is nothing wrong with you. You are just fine the way you are. Your problems are situational, and our APSATS coaches can help you establish emotional, physical, and sexual safety in your life. That’s why we use coaches - to help you deal with the situation that you’re in. Schedule an individual session or join our daily support groups and start to feel the support and peace you deserve.

Is Sex Addiction Just Another Excuse? While this seems like a logical question, it's really not an either-or situation. This question implies that either a) sex addiction is real or b) people engaged in hurtful, sexual behaviors outside their primary relationships are using it as an excuse. In my opinion, both of these can be true, but let me say straight away - it’s not a good excuse. It’s a reason, but not an excuse. Sex addiction no more justifies the addict's behavior than alcoholism justifies crashing your vehicle head on into another, destroying the lives inside. I imagine that there are individuals who claim, and truly believe, "I can't help it, I'm an addict." However this is very faulty thinking. And I want to offer this to the partners of addicts, in hopes of empowering you in a difficult situation… you can accept that there is such a thing as sex addiction without accepting sex addiction as something to tolerate.  Pornography Addiction Is A Reason For Cheating, But Not An Excuse Sex addiction may explain why our partners do what they do, but it does not excuse continuing to do what they do. Any addict who says “I can't help it, I'm an addict” is shirking responsibility for his behaviors. He may actually have tried to give it up and failed. He may truly believe he can’t quit. I would tell him, you haven’t found the right help, or at some point, you quit doing what you needed to do to beat it. Yes, an addiction is going to make quitting harder, but it does not make it impossible. And to partners who are hearing this statement, I would encourage you not to accept it. Addicts, like all of us, are 100% responsible for their choices, actions, behaviors, thoughts, feelings, and perceptions, and when those things aren’t working for him, only he can change it. They are responsible to live a mature life, despite what happened in their past.  When Your Husband Blames His Infidelity On Pornography Addiction Or Sex Addiction When an addict blames his family of origin, his wife, the stressors of the job, etc. for his addictive behaviors, what he's really saying is “it's hard to stop,” or “I don’t know how to stop,” or “I don't want to work that hard.” This is where we partners need to have a clear understanding of our values, our boundaries, and a plan of action for what we are going to do when our boundaries are violated. The feedback loop of addiction took years, sometimes decades, to develop into the addictive cycle that it is, and the good news is, that that same neuroplasticity that allowed to brain to be rewired for addiction, will also allow change for its recovery. However, that addiction, as we said, took years or decades to become the ingrained pattern that it is. Wives and partners don't have decades, or certainly we don't want to wait decades, for that brain to rewire itself again. And we shouldn’t have to. And we don’t have to. And so the addict has a choice; he can enter a recovery process or continue in his addiction and suffer the consequences.  Wives Have Choices Concerning Their Husband's Pornography Addiction Partners have a choice as well. In his workbook Partner’s Recovery Guide: 100 empowering Exercises, Doug Weiss lists 6 options for the partner who is sexually betrayed: * Stay and continue being abused * Stay and be uninvolved * Stay and be overinvolved * Stay and both recover * Stay conditionally * Divorce

As I work with betrayed women, they often ask, “Why do sex addicts do what they do?" This question is often asked out of anger or fear. And so I explore a little more deeply, and what I find is that they are usually struggling with fear, sadness, and overwhelm around the following…Can My Husband Really Be Addicted To Sex?The meaning of their partner’s behavior. They may be asking...* Can a person really be addicted to sex?* Why my partner, why this addiction?* Isn't this just an excuse for their bad behavior?The reality of their relationship.* Was any of it real?* Does he love me?* Is there any hope?Feelings of self worth.* Is this my fault?* What does this say about me?* Aren't I enough?* Can I fix it?The scope of this article addresses the first of these issues - the questions around their partner’s behavior. I want to address each of these points separately. And in the answers, I hope that I can alleviate some of the pain and hurt that partners experience. Sexual Activity Outside Of What Is Supposed To Be A Committed Relationship Is Wrong, & It Has Nothing To Do With YouI want to encourage any reader who has been betrayed by their partner to understand this - addiction or not - sexual activity outside of a what is supposed to be a committed monogamous relationship is wrong. And painful. And not your fault. If you’ve been betrayed, the one who betrayed you is 100% responsible for his actions, his lies, and the damage he has caused, and the presence of an addiction does not change that. There is evidence that sex addiction exists, but betrayal is betrayal. And if you do not want or are not ready to hear about the addiction part yet, stay tuned until next week when I address, Is Sex Addiction Just Another Excuse?Some partners accept the term sex addiction, but want to understand how it happened. Some don't accept the term and believe that becoming addicted to sex just isn't possible. Let me address this question first.Sex Addiction Is RealThe current research shows that sex addiction does exist, and we know this by looking at the diagnostic criteria considered to identify addictions in general. Depending on whose research you read or what diagnostic criteria treatment facilities consider, there are anywhere between 7 and 15 criteria used to identify addiction. All seem to include the following 7, (and only 3-5 are needed by some to make a diagnosis)The seven are are:* Concept of “tolerance” which states that the amount of a substance or behavior needed to achieve the same desired effect increases over time (or there is a decrease in the effect of the substance/behavior if if the amount does not increase over time).* Withdrawal phenomenon - when the substance or behavior is taken away, definite withdrawal symptoms occur.* Time lost to the behavior increases - time spent engaging in the behavior itself, time spent in the cycle of behaviors (time engaged in the behavior, time recovering, and time thinking about the next opportunity) occupies an increasing amount of the person’s day, and spending more time than intended* There is a persistent desire or compulsion to engage in the behavior* There is a reduction in healthy or socially accepted behaviors, roles etc. (such as time spent engaged in hobbies, household chores, family time, etc).* Use continues despite severe negative consequences (loss of job, arrests, physical effects)* Repeated unsuccessful efforts to stopWhile not everyone who engages in harmful, extra-relational sex is an addict,

I'm interviewing Kimberly Perry, author of Say “NO!” and TELL! A Creative View of Personal Safety for Maisie (girls) and Daxton (boys).Her professional underpinnings for this endeavor include 15 years of teaching and coaching in public and private schools in California, Michigan and North Carolina while specializing in preschool to 5th grade. I also earned a Bachelor of Arts in Kinesiology and a Masters of Arts in Teaching.  After teaching Personal Safety to over 1000 elementary students, she was inspired to write the Say “NO!” and TELL! book series.Inspired After Discovering The Heartbreaking Statistics On Ever-Increasing Instances Of Child Sexual AbuseAnne: Why did you write a book about personal safety for young kids? Kimberly: While serving as a Health and Physical Education Teacher in the Michigan public school system, I taught Personal Safety for over 1,000 elementary students and wondered why I had not been taught these prevention strategies when I was a child. The need to empower children with self-care skills and people safety tools is critical for well- being.My professional underpinnings for this endeavor include 15 years of teaching and coaching in public and private schools in California, Michigan and North Carolina while specializing in preschool to 5th grade. I also earned a Bachelor of Arts in Kinesiology and a Masters of Arts in Teaching. How can it be that at least 2 out of every 10 girls and 1 out of every 10 boys are estimated to be sexually abused before their 14th birthday (childmolestationprevention.org)? Every eight minutes, Child Protective Services responds to a sexual abuse report (rainn.org). According to the CDC, about 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls are sexually abuse before the age of 18. Kids need to be empowered with Personal Safety skills and tools so they know what to do when a questionable encounter happens. Kimberly: Personal Safety is learning how to keep your body safe or sexual abuse prevention for kids. Kids learn to say NO to unsafe touches by protecting their bodies with boundaries to prevent or stop sexual abuse. The Say NO! and TELL! books empower kids with Personal Safety by using a THREE-phased approach based on a proven and straight forward sequential method.* Teach body awareness with basic hygiene (bathing), health (nutrition) and safety (swim) concepts* Explains boundaries with more unique safety concepts such as Internet, stranger and people safety.* Introduce Personal Safety – prevention awareness of safe boundaries for private parts.Boundaries define personal property and allow us to take care of it by setting limits on others and internal limits within ourselves. The boundary of saying “NO!” defines ownership, lets others know that we exist apart from them and we are in control (Cloud 29, 43-44).Part I has a story about Maisie Monarch or Daxton Dolphin where the characters embark on a journey of growing up and preparing for a migration trip. Parents teach them Personal Safety before they go and ask open ended questions throughout the story for you to define your family terminology and values. Part II of the book has 8 scenarios, in which I researched the predator and turned those tactics into life skills for kids, such as privacy, private moments, guard your eyes and ears, safe secrets, bribes, threats, safe games, etc.The solutions section has numerous tools like a quiz, a Personal Safety Family Plan,