Betrayal Trauma Recovery

Dr. Sheri Keffer is a Marriage and Family Therapist and co-host of the nationally syndicated talk show, New Life Live. Sheri expounds on her Empowerment Wheel today. Anne: Welcome again, Sheri. Sheri: I have to tell you. You know how when you spend time with someone, how that time together, and conversations together prompts you to change, change your thinking, open yourself up to what’s right in front of you and has been staring at you. You are one of those change agents. I’m grateful for you as an advocate. I’m grateful for you in light of your passion and no tolerance for harm that’s caused. I love that about you. I appreciate that, always, you have that in the forefront. That’s what I really want to help to communicate to those that are listening, because there is so much harm and so much abuse in what is happening. It’s not okay. It’s not okay yesterday, it’s not okay today, and it’s not okay tomorrow. Stories of women that we’ve heard take our breath away, because we hear abuse that we’ve been tolerating. Some of us may even call that love. It’s not love. Love doesn’t let abuse happen. Trying to figure out what we need to do in order to confront abusive, harmful behavior is what we want to offer those that are listening. I’m just grateful that you’ve allowed me to be here with you today. Why Self-Empowerment Is So Important Anne: Thank you so much, Sheri. I’m so glad that you’re back. That’s interesting, because I feel like I’m just along for the ride. I feel like I’m learning and growing every week and every person that I interview. I really appreciate you and all of your work as well. I think we’re all progressing together. Sheri: You’re so funny. Because, you know, as you said that, you know what I saw? All of us on a crazy bus that went off a cliff. This ride that we’re on is not a ride that we chose. We didn’t consent to this. It’s such a feeling of helplessness when those things happen. We do learn from each other along the way. We become wiser when we listen and really define what it is we’re looking at. I think you’re one of those advocates that is helping people define what’s happening right in front of their face. Anne: For all of us, we go through this period where we don’t see what’s right in front of our face. We are trying to figure out what’s going on, and we can’t see it for what it really is until we have some type of epiphany, or we listen to a podcast like this, or we read Sheri’s book. Some external thing might happen to us when we start realizing, “Wait a minute, I don’t think my reality is what I thought it was.” Sheri came on today to talk about the Empowerment Wheel that she created, which is a tool to help women get out of that helpless mode. When we first talked, we talked a little bit about how lying can be abusive. Sheri, I want you, first of all, to talk about how lying causes harm and how the Empowerment Wheel can help victims of lies.

Dr. Sheri Keffer, has nearly 20 years of clinical experience, and out of her own personal story of recovery from betrayal trauma, she understands the impact of sexual deception. She is APSATS-certified, as a certified clinical partner specialist and a CSAT, which is Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist. She believes that betrayed women are looking for the two necessary pillars of: * Safety * Truth Her passion in healing trauma has brought new tools and a fresh look at what betrayed women need, not only to heal but to heal well. Dr. Sheri commonly uses brain specked imaging, brainwave optimization and EMDR to treat depression, anxiety, loss, and self-image issues caused by post-traumatic stress. She is the author of her new book, Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal, and enjoys being a regular co-host on the nationally syndicated talk show, New Life Live. New Life Live is heard daily by over two million listeners. Her engaging warmth and ability to immediately connect puts callers at ease, so I’m very excited to have an expert radio host on the podcast today. In her personal life, she enjoys the beach, reading, mountain biking, hiking, camping, and big game sport fishing. What Is Intimate Betrayal? Anne: Your new book just came out, and I am in the process of reading it, and loving it so far. What did you mean by the title, Intimate Deception? Sheri: Intimate deception is when we are not a consenting partner to some act that the person we are in love with, could be our husband or it could be our boyfriend, there is a non-consensual sexual act that they do behind our backs. It actually came out of my work looking at some ancient Hebrew. Hebrew is a cool language. It used to be done much like Chinese or Arabic or Egyptian, where it was more sounds and word pictures. When I looked at what it meant to betray, there’s two ideas that came to mind. The first one was the word rema, which means “to betray,” and it—listen to this, Anne. It means what comes from a person of chaos. The other word is close, it’s to deceive, which is the word badad, and it means “to hide, to cover, to offend, to deal unfaithfully with, or to pillage.” Betrayal is a deliberate act of disloyalty where another person is left to feel duped or cheated by lying and someone who’s broken their trust. It hurts us. Anne: I’ve been talking about it as abuse, in and of itself, what is your feeling about that? That the lies and the deception and the infidelity are abusive in and of themselves? Sheri: When you think about it, if you ask somebody, “How did you feel when you found out?” I know for me, when I first found out, I felt sucker-punched. Sucker-punch, it’s one of those words that seems to fit. That’s a violent word. When I did my research, out of 100 women 100 of them said they felt sexually violated. Why Does Intimate Deception Feel So Bad? When you look at lying and how it harms us, the phrase “addicts lie, they lie a lot,” we throw that phrase around, but you know what, for every addict that lies, and every act of deception, it hurts a woman on the other side. Lying causes harm. When I think about it as abuse,

What happens when your whole world gets turned upside down in an instant? Everything you knew destroyed with a disclosure that seems unreal and too unbelievable to be true. But it is: Your husband has been acting out with other men. He is gay and you are destroyed. You are left wondering: Was my marriage ever real if my husband is gay? This situation is all too familiar to Sara Schulting Kranz. Sarah has been through unimaginable hardships throughout her life. She was raped at 17 years of age and became pregnant. She chose to keep her child. Twenty-three years later she found out her husband of 17 years was having affairs with men for most of their marriage and is a sex addict.  Feeling Shocked To Find Out Your Husband Is Gay Sarah states she was blindsided in learning of her husband's secret life, "It was devastating to scroll through my husband's phone and finding all the gay porn and the websites he was looking at." This is a scenario that is familiar to other women who find out similar information regarding their husbands. Therapist Dr. Joe Kort shares insight from his experience in treating men who are questioning their sexuality, "Usually the wife discovers his history on the computer. He’s been looking at gay porn or he’s been hooking up with guys he meets through Craigslist." (Psychology Today). What Are The Options When You Find Out Your Husband Is Gay? What options does a betrayed wife have in this situation? How does a woman move forward in faith knowing that the level of betrayal runs deep? Sarah explains the thoughts going through her head during the period of uncertainty surrounding her marriage, "Could we possibly make any of this work now or into the future when the kids get older? I didn't want to make any rash decisions; I wanted to have all the facts and feel emotionally secure enough to make it from a place of clarity." While some women leave their marriages after finding out their husband is gay, others choose to stay. Regardless of the decision, options should be carefully considered and the choice should be respected. My Husband Is Gay, Is It My Fault? Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, states, "I think it's really good to understand that for each individual there is a different situation, different circumstances, and to trust that a woman will make the best decision for her under the circumstances she is in." Women tend to internalize finding out their husband has been watching gay porn or acting out with men. They can feel not good enough and experience guilt from the trauma. Dr. Kort explains, "I try to make sure that the women in these relationships understand that their man’s behavior is not about them" (Psychology Today.) This becomes important to know and believe when a women finds herself in this situation. They are never to blame and healing from the trauma must be addressed first and foremost. 

The History Of Betrayal Trauma Recovery - A Legacy Of Hope & Faith For those of you who are newly familiar with Betrayal Trauma Recovery, I want to give you a brief history of how this site and how Betrayal Trauma Recovery evolved. In 2015, after seven years of attempting to “help” my husband with his anger problems and his pornography addiction, he sprained my fingers and pushed me against some kitchen cabinets during an argument. He was arrested for domestic violence. The judge gave him a no-contact order, which is like a protective order. That was the first time I’d ever conceived that he really was an abusive person. I waited, hoping for him to take accountability for his actions and to come back home to us, and to change, to truly repent. He decided to file for divorce nine months later. During that time, I prayed and prayed and prayed, and the only answer that I received was to start a podcast, which is how this podcast started. How Faith Aids In Recovery At the end of 2016, Betrayal Trauma Recovery became a non-profit, and six APSATS coaches came on board. The coaches were very good at coaching. They knew the topics that they wanted to coach on. We knew what women needed, but we didn’t exactly know the best way to go about it. We’ve been through several different phases. For example, if you listen to the beginning podcasts, you’ll hear us talking about free consultations. We were so inundated with those that we had to stop. Also, I used to go by the name Anon. Anne Blythe is not my real name. My friend had a Facebook account with the name Anne Blythe, named after Anne Blythe from Anne of Green Gables. I ended up adopting that Facebook account and I ended up adopting that name to represent all of us, because my story is the universal story. The details might be a little bit different, but we all go through a period of denial, and then we all go through a period of “help” our husband’s or support him. Then we all go through a period of thinking, “I need to set boundaries.” Faith Should Support Healing From Trauma Anyway, then we decided to do Betrayal Trauma Recovery Club, which was awesome, and then we found that that name was confusing people, because who goes to a “club” for this. It’s like the worst club ever, but also the coolest. We found that support group works better, so we changed the name to Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group. You can see it on the website as daily support groups. It’s all the same thing, it’s just our group that happens every single day. We also have two sessions on Tuesdays and two on Wednesdays. Women come to online from all over the world. They can get to know our coaches and get immediate help and assistance as they need it. You can also schedule individual sessions, which we used to call support calls. If you listen to the whole podcast, you’ll be like, “Wow, they call things different names,” because, as we have evolved, we’ve realized better ways to serve you, based on your feedback and based on your needs. I really appreciate your patience. I’m so grateful for this new chapter of Betrayal Trauma Recovery with the summer starting. I just want to talk about my garden really quickly. I am an avid gardener. I have nine fruit trees, five 12x2 garden boxes. A huge section of my garden in my front yard, where I grow self-proclaimed prize-winning pumpkins.

Several months ago, Kate was in a situation where she needed to hold a parallel parenting and no-contact boundary. She also had a financial situation that she needed to resolve with her ex-husband, that was proving difficult for several reasons. Kate explains her feelings during this time and reflects on the solutions she had considered, such as blocking him from contact. Coach Sarah also offers some important insight into Kate's journey.  Anne: Kate, were you able to resolve that financial situation with your ex? Kate: Yes, I was. It was difficult, but it was resolved. Retirement funds were transferred, and bank accounts were closed. Financially, I am disconnected from my ex now. Anne: After considering blocking him on your phone and blocking his emails, now that we’ve had a few months go by, and you have this financial thing resolved, what are your feelings now about doing that? Kate: Right now, I don’t feel like I need to do that, because I’ve been able to manage texts from him. He hasn’t called me at all and he hasn’t sent any emails. He’s only been texting. What I’ve found is that I’ve gained some resiliency in dealing with texts in the minimum kind of response as possible. I find myself, instead of reacting to his texts, I’m responding and I’m taking time to think things through before I respond. I don’t know the magic solution that has happened. I don’t know how to articulate it, but it has been a peaceful time in my heart and my soul in dealing with him. I am really grateful for it. Anne: Sarah, I want to talk about how goals might change as situations change, or as we gain more insight, or as we gain more strength. What is the process of discovering what boundaries you might want, and then, in the process of exploring those boundaries, perhaps changing your mind, those types of issues? Coach Sarah: Absolutely. We have really two types of boundaries, and we don’t even know it. The one type of boundary is what we call definitive boundary. I’m going to use an analogy to help conceptualize this. When I walk into the room, the things that define Sarah, I’ve got dark brown hair and green eyes. I walk in the room, and people see my dark hair, and they see my face, or my skin, and they’re like, “Oh, that’s Sarah.” These are the things that define me for who I am. Depending on the season, middle of summer in Texas, I might come in in shorts and t-shirt, right? In the middle of winter, I might have my boots on and jeans and a jacket and, maybe, even a hat, depending on if it’s really cold. Those are what we call our protective boundaries. They change, based on our need for protection. A great way to connect with how this would work, I get to define what I do or don’t want in my relationship. I might say, “In my relationship, I do not want pornography. That will never be a part of my marriage.” If the current marriage ended, “My next marriage, I will not have pornography be a part of my marriage.” That is a way that I get to define, it’s part of how I want things to be. That’s not going to change. What might change is, let’s say shortly after discovery, I might not want to watch anything on TV. I might not want my husband to watch anything on TV, other than the Food Network channel, something that feels really safe and non-triggery. As time goes on, as safety increases, I might say, “Okay, well now we can also watch the fishing show.” I’m going to be able to add different shows on,

I’ve been reading Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, and I really like it. There was one part that really helped me, on page 140. It’s titled, “Forgive the Aggressor.” It says: “Nothing clarifies boundaries more than forgiveness. To forgive someone means to let him off the hook, or to cancel the debt he owes you. When you refuse to forgive someone, you still want something from that person. It keeps you tied to him forever. "Refusing to forgive a family member is one of the main reasons people are stuck for years, unable to separate from their dysfunctional families. They still want something from them. It is much better to receive grace from God, who has something to give, and to forgive those who have no money to pay their debt with. This ends your suffering, because it ends the wish for repayment that is never forthcoming, and that makes your heart sick, because there’s no hope. What Does It Mean To Forgive? "If you do not forgive, you are demanding something your offender does not choose to give. Even if it is only a confession of what he did, this ties him to you and ruins boundaries. Let the dysfunctional family you came from go. Cut it loose, and you will be free." The reason I think this is so interesting is because, with a lot of clergy, there’s tons of talk about forgiveness, and they think that that’s going to keep families together. But, in this book, it’s suggesting that forgiveness is a really important step in learning to set boundaries. Once you think, this person is not capable of giving me what I need. I’m going to forgive them and wipe the slate clean, and not expect anything else from them. Then it enables you to set a boundary, and know that: If I’m not going to expect anything else from him, that he’s not capable of giving, or he’s not choosing to give, then I don’t really want to talk to him anymore or we need to separate or whatever it may be. Why Is Forgiveness Important? This is an interesting way to think about forgiveness. The clergy calls you in, and you’re talking to them, and they say, “This is an issue of forgiveness,” you could bring this up, and say, “True forgiveness means that I’ve wiped the slate clean, and I don’t think he owes me anything. So, I’m going to now set a boundary that says, ‘ I’m letting you go. You don’t owe me anything. I wish you luck in your choices. I wish you luck in your life. Goodbye, and I will freely forgive you, now that I can set these boundaries to be safe from you.’” I’m just mulling it over in my head. I’m not 100 percent sure about it yet. If you guys own a copy of Boundaries, you can look at that section on page 140. Explore your own thoughts on this issue. How Forgiveness Can Be Helpful Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group is confidential and private and gives you access to group sessions every single day. You’ll get to know all of the coaches that way. Then, if you want to schedule individual sessions as needed on specific topics with specific coa...

Dina Alexander is the founder and president of Educate and Empower Kids, organization determined to strengthen families by teaching digital citizenship, media literacy, and healthy sexuality education, including education about the dangers of online porn. She is creator of Noah’s New Phone, a story about using technology for good, Petra’s Power to See, a media literacy adventure, Messages About Me, a journey to healthy body image, How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography, and the 30 Days of Sex Talks and 30 Days to a Stronger Child programs. She received her master’s degree in Recreation Therapy from the University of Utah, and her bachelor’s from Brigham Young University. She’s an amazing mom and loves spending time with her husband and three kids. Together, they live in Texas. How To Empower Kids As Parents Anne: We used your books in our home. They’ve been floating around. I leave them out. My 8-year-old has read all of them. He just picks them up and starts reading them, and then I try to process the information with him, and read them together, as well. I’m really grateful for the work that you do. What motivated you to start your non-profit, Educate and Empower Kids? Dina: A few years ago, I was reading a Facebook article about teen porn consumption. I couldn’t believe it, it was so shocking and just so surprising to me, the accessibility, the level of pathetic sexual knowledge that these teenagers had a huge lack of intimacy education that they had received, the inability to talk to their parents, that it just shocked me into action. I started researching, I started looking for parent resources. I felt like there wasn’t a lot out there, if anything. I felt like most of it was either very fear-based, very shame-based, and just not practical. At that time, my oldest was in middle school, I had two in elementary, and I just felt like, “I gotta do something. I just gotta talk to every parent I can.” I made this promise with myself, I was going to do anything I could, even embarrass myself, do things I’ve never done before. That’s just snowballed into our part of this movement in helping people understand what true, healthy sexuality is, warning parents, but also empowering them with simple tools. Use Words To Empower Kids Anne: I appreciate that about your books, especially 30 Days of Sex Talks.

3 Ways Art Therapy Helps With Trauma Carin Fausett is an artist, who has received honors and invitations to speak from some of the top museums in Utah. Her story is interesting and inspiring. Carin: I think I relate to a lot of people. Difficult childhood, I was visually and hearing impaired so that isolated me a lot. That became a problem later on in a marriage where I needed to know how to communicate, I needed to know how to solve issues instead of just hiding. It made the situation more difficult. I needed to use what I did have, which was the artistic ability to communicate to study addiction, to study recovery. Art can help with trauma by: * It can help express emotion. * It can be empowering. * It helps with self-efficacy. Anne: I don’t meet a lot of recovery artists every day. I looked at your art and it was so beautiful and moving. Carin how did you begin your life of learning about addiction and coping? What Type Of Trauma Can Art Therapy Be Used With? Carin: It was kind of baptism by fire. I got married. I thought I had a good foundation, only to find out that my husband’s family had a lot of issues that I wasn’t aware of. This led to him living the way he thought that relationships and families were supposed to be. It involved lying. It involved covering things up. It involved a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms that were very hurtful and that led to a lot of trauma, where I would put up walls, isolate myself even further, not communicate. Of course, nothing would get solved, very dysfunctional. It became a really bad cycle, because I needed to take responsibility for my actions, but I didn’t know how. This led to my shopping, eating, anger. Really, not healthy cycles. Anne: It sounds like these patterns of addiction and betrayal trauma started showing up in your family. Up until we met, you had processed these in the context of codependency. When I wrote you, very interested in your art, and I said, “We use the trauma model.” You said, "That is very helpful." Tell me about how the patterns showed up in your family, and then what you thought of them in the context of codependency, and where you are at now, with this first introduction to the trauma model. Why Can Art Therapy Be Useful For Trauma? Carin: I did notice a cycle of betrayal that resulted in trauma. This unseen wound, which led to PTSD symptoms within myself, which created a wall within myself. I was not able to receive or give love. Anne: Did you notice that with lots of people around you? Did you start forming this wall with friends and family and other people? Carin: I became very selective in who I would talk with. I would function, I would talk to people, but I wouldn’t let people in. I was very good at just doing what was expected, getting along, making things smooth, but I was not good at being personal and talking to people in a real way. I became very non-authentic for a long time and it really hurt me. It hurt my art. It hurt my relationship. Just a few years ago, it came to a head where I could see what I had done. It happened when my son, he came clean about his addiction. It really hit me that things had to change. Obviously, we can’t change other people, we can only change ourselves. That meant I had to do some really deep work on who I was, what I was doing, and why. I had to get to the root of it. When I was able to do that,

3 Signs Fantasy Is Harming You Lacy Bentley is the founder and CEO of Women United Recovery Coalition, the acronym is WURC. It’s an organization dedicated to raising awareness of female pornography addiction, how fantasy feed sex-based compulsions and women’s unique recovery needs. She’s been working with women in addiction and self-destructive compulsive behavior since 2000. As an author, mentor, coach and speaker, Lacy focuses on releasing perfectionism in recovery while learning honesty and personal accountability. She’s written articles and blogs for numerous magazines, women’s recovery sites in the movement toward ending exploitation and fighting the harms of pornography. As a former hentai, which is sexualized anime user, and a relationship and love addict, Lacy has seen firsthand the destructive patterns fantasies can cause individuals and families. She also knows, from personal experience, that fantasy is the root of the sex addiction tree. Her hope is to better inform people about the very vulnerable population of women and girls trapped in their own pornography usage and fantasy worlds, and their compulsive sexual or relationship behaviors. Three signs that fantasy is hurting you: 1. You lack self care. 2. You find it difficult to concentrate on necessary, daily tasks. 3. You're avoiding the truth about reality or your situation, putting yourself in spiritual, mental, emotional, or physical danger. What Is A Fantasy Bond? Lacy: Women United actually came out of my research at UVU and based on my own experience. I used hentai as a young woman and it really impacted my life negatively. The way I saw myself, the way I saw men and relationships. Nobody was educating women and girls who are trapped in sexual addictions, specifically pornography addiction.  At Women United, that we would focus on educating the world that women and girls are getting trapped in pornography addiction. It's incredibly problematic because women and girls who use pornography tend to portray themselves sexually and exploit themselves for attention. Why Can Fantasy Be Harmful? Lacy: We work with women who are ready to take control of their fantasy worlds, their internal worlds, who are ready to stop thinking about the cute dentist down the street, or quit with the romance novels. In our groups right now, we have some women who are dealing with the fantasy, some women who have had emotional affairs, some women who have pornography addiction. It’s kind of a spectrum of women that we work with. What it comes down to is if the woman self-identifies as having an issue with comparison or fantasy or some other type of sex-based compulsion, she is welcome in our groups. Anne: I have a kitchen remodeling fantasy problem. Lacy: Don’t we all? Anne: Always fantasizing about remodeling my kitchen. Maybe that falls into the same category. Lacy: I don't know, are you able to take care of your kids in the process of fantasizing about your kitchen? That’s the big question. Anne: You say that most of us are fantasy junkies. Tell me what that means. Like I just said, I fantasize before I go to sleep about remodeling my kitchen. If everyone fantasizes from one degree to another, what is the harm if we all do it? I know you’re going to tell me, which I’m excited about. I’m not trying to say there is no harm in it.

Dissociation Symptoms When Your Husband Lies, Cheats, & Abuses You Richard Blankenship is the clinical and administrative director for the Capstone Center for Counseling, DBT and Relational Trauma at the Capstone Center for Sexual Recovery and Transformation. He founded of the International Association of Certified Sexual Addiction Specialists, where he served as president for 13 years, and a founding board member of the Association for Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS). He developed the first graduate course to be taught on sexual addiction along with a colleague, and guest lectures in a variety of university-level courses. He is married with two children and has worked with churches and counseling centers for over 25 years. What Is Dissociation? Richard: Dissociation is, basically, a splitting off of or a detachment. It’s a big word that can sound really scary, yet, it manifests itself in different degrees. It’s something that we all do. We dissociate from difficult experiences. Even daydreaming is a form of mild dissociation, when you’re just checking out of something. Dissociation is a coping skill in some ways and, at times, it can be healthy. At other times it can be unhealthy. How Does Dissociation Occur? Anne: That’s good to hear, that it can sometimes be healthy, as I have experienced quite a bit of dissociation since my ex-husband’s arrest. What does it look like in terms of a wife who is in trauma? So a woman who is experiencing the emotional abuse or the trauma of finding out about her husband’s porn use or his infidelity? Richard: Whenever women find out about problematic sexual behavior, or chronic porn use, anything on that continuum, they’ll develop a lot of the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. One of the things that comes when you’re in a traumatized state is a level of dissociation. It can be as basic as just zoning out for a few minutes, some daydreaming, maybe even some fantasy of being in a better place, or it could go over to some very extreme levels where people lose touch with reality. More often than not, we see it early on when people are in a state of shock from the betrayal. They may just be staring straight ahead with a blank look. Dissociationactually does have a continuum that it runs on from fairly minor to much more extreme. Anne: The reason why I wanted to talk about this is because I found myself not hearing my children when they were talking to me and I wasn’t doing anything else. They would say something, and I would realize that they had been saying something to me and that I did not hear them for like, I don't know how many times they said, “Mom, Mom, Mom.” Then I was like, “Oh, yeah, what is it?” What Are The Symptoms of Dissociation? I was available and ready and willing to talk to them, but just didn’t hear them until they had said my name a few times. I would say that mine would be on the very minor level of zoning out for a little while, but I found myself doing that frequently, so I thought, “Oh, I need to learn more about dissociation.” I just wanted to see what does an expert have to say about, first of all, this level of dissociation—which I’m sure many of our listeners are experiencing—do you have any tips for that? Then, also,

Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, this is Anne. I’m very excited to have my new friend, I’m going to call her Lisa, from Georgia, but that’s not her name, and that’s not where she’s from. We spent the weekend together at Determined to Rise, and that’s what I accidentally introduced her as over and over to people, because I had trauma brain and did not remember her actual name or where she really was from. The handy part is now we can use the name, that I accidentally called her all weekend, on the podcast, to protect her anonymity. Anne: Welcome, Lisa. Lisa: Hello, Anne, thanks for having me. Anne: We had a very long drive from Salt Lake City down to Zion to attend the Determined to Rise retreat. There were about 80 other women with us and it was a really, really nice weekend where we could really connect with other women and experience the strength in numbers of knowing that we’re not alone. How Connection Can Help In Healing Your Pain One of the things that Lisa mentioned on our drive home was that a lot of women have the desire to spread the word about Betrayal Trauma Recovery because, before they found Betrayal Trauma Recovery, they didn’t realize that there were so many women experiencing similar things. Maybe the details are a bit different, but similar emotions of not knowing what to do, of trying to figure out what to do next, of the pain and the confusion that come along with the abuse and the infidelity that we’ve all experienced. Lisa, why do you feel like women who find BTR really want to help spread the word about BTR? Lisa: You were just talking about the Determined to Rise conference. I wouldn’t have known anything about that if it hadn’t been for the BTR podcast because there’s not a lot of resources in my area. Even the counselor I’m seeing isn’t trained in this area. She doesn’t know about resources like books and things that you suggest on BTR. I just want to do my best to help other ladies find it quickly, more quickly than I did. Why Trauma Is Painful and Confusing Anne: I’ve had women write me and say, “Had I found BTR sooner, it would’ve saved me years and years of pain or years of confusion.” Is that how you feel? Lisa: Initially, just friends and maybe counselors and books, I would read them and listen to it, and it just didn’t resonate with me. As I dug further, I started learning words like betrayal trauma. I didn’t even know that’s what I had. I didn’t know those are the words I needed to search for. I just started stumbling across things. I had to weed through a lot of things that were not helpful before I could get to the things that were. Even with books and things like that, that are suggested, sometimes, you’re just not in a place where you can sit down and read and comprehend a book. BTR, for me, was just something consistent, weekly, that I could turn on and listen to. It took time, but I learned to trust the advice you were giving, because what you were saying was resonating with me. I was able to take your advice. It was just good for me when I found BTR because it was a consistent voice of reason that I could turn to. Listening doesn’t take nearly as much brain power as sitting down and studying, or something like that. Others Who Have Felt The Pain Can Help You Heal Anne: As evidenced by my trauma brain over the weekend, right.

Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, this is Anne. I have Caroline on the podcast today. She is a BTR client who recently got divorced. We’re going to talk to her about her experience and what she went through and how she’s feeling now. Anne:  Welcome, Caroline. You’re in this post-divorce situation. When people ask you why you got divorced, what is your response? Caroline: Although I knew about my husband’s pornography addiction from the beginning, I didn’t know what that entailed. In the end, he refused to get help, refused to get treatment. It wasn’t because he had a pornography addiction, but it was because he did not want to get help, even refused to believe that he had an addiction to begin with. How To Handle The Questions About Divorce and Abuse Anne:  When you say that to people, do you think they respond well, or is it a triggery experience to have to talk about it with people who are wondering why you got divorced? Caroline: It’s definitely a panic zone because you don’t know how people will react. Some people are very educated on pornography addiction, and others aren’t. They believe that it’s normal. The reactions vary. It’s only been in the past few months that I’ve felt like I can actually say the word pornography, when I’m talking about my divorce. Anne:  You mentioned that you knew about his pornography use while you were dating, or before you got married. Did you see any other red flags? Caroline: As I was thinking about post-divorced, I was incredibly surprised at how many red flags there actually were. I think I just refused to see them. One characteristic that I’ve learned, through BTR, is that addicts are narcissists and the term gaslighting. What Are Some Red Flags of Abuse? Some of those narcissistic traits were that our dates were always extremely lavish and expensive. It seemed that he just had untapped funds. From the get-go, date one, he wouldn’t give me hardly any time alone, always had to be around me, knowing what I was up to, surprise visits. He would fake sick at work just to come see me. It felt like he almost forced himself into my life. I was flattered at the time thinking, “Wow, this guy really likes me. He’s so cute. He’s got all this money. He’s got a good job,” but now I see it as him being controlling and insecure and practicing those narcissistic traits. He was a strong member of his church up until a few months before we met. He had a lot to say about his inactivity in the church and a lot of excuses how he was being treated unfairly. He undermined his parents while still having them in the palm of his hand. He constantly seeked praise and validation down to the littlest things. If he wiped off the counter, he would say, “Hey look, look what I did. I wiped off the counter,” just fed off of what other people thought of him constantly. Is Narcissistic Abuse Easy To Spot? Anne:  I want to make a clarification there. I would not say that all porn users are narcissists, meaning they might not all be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. However, I do think that porn users exhibit narcissistic behaviors, whether or not they’re diagnosed. I think that’s probably what you’re saying. Caroline: Yeah. Anne:  I was just thinking about my ex. He contacted some people in my life, because he was trying to get information about filing taxes before we were divorced but while we were separated.

Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, this is Anne. Wow, I have Esther Hosea on today. She is a blogger at hisdearlyloveddaughter.com. We’ve been having technical difficulties. Anne: Both Esther and I have been feeling a lot of—what do we call it—opposition to doing this podcast today. I’m just touched right now, and grateful to have her on the podcast. This woman is a woman of faith. In 2016, Esther discovered that her husband of nearly 17 years, and the love of her life, had a serious sexual addiction and had been repeatedly unfaithful throughout her marriage. I’ll let her talk more about that. Esther, I want you to start with how would you have described your marriage before you found out about your husband’s infidelity? Betrayal Trauma Can Feel Life-Shattering Esther: Before I found out, I would have called our marriage an idyllic marriage. I would’ve said that we had pretty much a storybook relationship. We were best friends, we’re each other’s favorite person in the whole world. We’ve always enjoyed spending time together. All of our friends, all of our family, a lot of them looked to us as the example for marriage. It seemed really great. Anne: What was it like to realize that everything you believed was a lie? Esther: It was devastating. It shattered my whole world. I’ve described it to people like a puzzle. If our life is a puzzle and, before that day, I felt like my puzzle was all together, all the pieces fit. It was a really pretty puzzle. That day, when I found that out, it was if someone took that puzzle and just threw it. The pieces went everywhere. Maybe some of them even broke and went under pieces of furniture or something. For the next however many months after that, it was this scramble, this panicky scramble to try and find all those pieces and get them to fit back together. Except now, I realize that they don’t fit. All those perfect pictures that I thought I had, it isn’t what I thought it was, and it doesn’t fit together like I thought it did. How The Discovery Of Infidelity Causes Trauma Anne: Yeah, I think that’s how all of us feel when that discovery happens. We’ve talked about D-day on the podcast before, which means discovery day, the day you find out that your reality that you’re living in is not actual reality, right? Esther: Right. Anne: It is mind-bending. How did you navigate the fog after D-day? Esther: If I’m being honest, I would say that the first, at least, three months, maybe longer than that, after the first D-day, I didn’t navigate it. I went into this deep, deep, deep fog and I didn’t know which way was up. I didn’t even really try. I’d call it a zombie phase where you’re dead on your feet. You’re getting up and you’re going through the motions and you’re getting done the things that HAVE to get done. Being Betrayed Causes Deep Despair I have very few memories of that time. It was almost like I was just a robot, or something, going through that time. I don't know, my brain was just off. I really, really struggled with my relationship with God during that time. I didn’t understand how he could let the happen. I had spent my whole life following him, praying for my husband and for our marriage. It felt like God had betrayed me too. I was angry. I was really angry with him. I would pray and say terrible things to him. It was an awful time,

Anne:     Ashley, I’m going to let you introduce the topic for today and talk about what you did, and how it affected you. Ashley:  I discovered my husband’s addiction shortly after we were married, and I was, obviously, devastated and completely traumatized. He had withheld things from me and lied to me. That created a distrust in our relationship and caused me to question everything that he had ever told me, that I had ever experienced with him. I just, from the beginning, could not stop looking through his computer and through his phone and, really, any device, anything that I could verify or find information on, I would search into the late hours of the night and into the morning. That was just a response to my trauma and I’ve learned since then that it’s not useful. It has not helped me and it really only harmed me and caused me further pain. Anne:     I want to contrast your story with the story of many women that I’ve spoken with, who have said, “I had this impression that I needed to check his phone, and I checked it and I realized he was having an affair,” or, “I had this impression that I needed to look at his computer and I looked at the computer and I saw this.” What Are Safety-Seeking Behaviors? Ashley:  Yeah. Anne:     In some cases, women really benefit from a safety-seeking behavior, and in some cases it starts driving them crazy and really keeps them in the abuse cycle. Today, we’re going to focus on when it is unhealthy. Ashley:  Right, right. Anne:     I also want to cover why we call these safety-seeking behaviors as opposed to co-dependent behaviors. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we use the trauma model, meaning, once you’ve experienced trauma, you are trying to create safety in your life again. We do not believe in the co-dependent model. Some people are co-dependent, and they’ve been co-dependent for a long time. They were co-dependent with their friends in junior high. They’re co-dependent with their family members. If you’re not co-dependent with anyone else, and you’ve never acted co-dependent before, and then you found out about your husband’s addiction and suddenly someone’s telling you you’re co-dependent. No, you are doing safety-seeking behaviors, trying to establish safety in your life again. The purpose of BTR is to actually help women establish safety. A lot of the time, when women are obsessively checking their husband’s computers or phones, that’s not helping them actually establish safety, even though that’s their goal. Would you say that that’s what you were looking for at the time? Why Its Important To Feel Safe Ashley:  Yes, for me, it was the only tool I had at the time. I didn’t have any recovery resources, and I was just trying my hardest to, like you were saying, establish safety with the little amount of knowledge that I had, and that was the only thing I knew how to do. Anne:     Yet, those behaviors didn’t get you safety. Ashley: No. That’s correct, they did not provide me with the safety that I was desperately seeking. Anne:     In your case, Ashley, you’re telling me it drove you crazy. What were the three reasons why this was an unhealthy thing for you to do? Ashley:  For me, the three reasons that searching my husband’s computer was not helpful, number one, it doesn’t solve the problem. Number two, it made me feel absolutely crazy,

Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, this is Anne. I have Brittany Larson with me today. She’s an experienced communications professional with an extensive background in crisis communications and public relations. She leads the public relations department at the Summit Group. Brittany recently launched Livlyhood, a community for women who work. She’s going to cover some topics today for women who are thinking about getting back into the workplace. Anne: Brittany, let’s start off with your advice for women who are getting back into the workforce, either after a hiatus because they’ve been raising their children, or they’ve been too traumatized to work, or women who have, perhaps, never been in the workplace in the first place. Brittany: Just in general, I think it’s a really exciting time to be a woman. Flexibility has never been more on the table, or more expected. It’s a really exciting time to get back into work if you’ve been raising your kids, or maybe you want to try something new and different. There are so many barriers that we don’t face that even our mother’s generation faced. How Joining The Workforce Can Help Self-Confidence My number one piece of advice for women who, say they’ve been raising their kids, and they’ve decided to go back to work, or maybe they need to supplement their income, or they want to completely change their direction is to balance patience with determination. We often talk about the stereotype of women being told no, or they are too afraid, or shy or concerned about figuring out what they’re worth. You have to find that balance between being patient, but also being determined. If you’re coming back into the workforce after years of not building up your résumé in that way, you’re going to have to be patient. If you are determined, you’re going to be rewarded. The way I think of it is like a scale. One side of it is your employer, and the other is you. When you first start out, either at a new career, or you’re getting back into things, or you’ve just graduated from college, the scale is tipped drastically in your employer’s favor. You maybe have a coin or two, because you have a degree or a trade skill, or something like that. How To Handle Negative Emotions About Self-Esteem As you gain experience, those scales can slowly start to shift. It will take time. You really can make your own way now, and that’s something that I find really encouraging, as a woman. Anne: Many women that listen to this podcast are not wanting to work. They are forced to work because of their situation. There are some really negative emotions around that, because they have been, for example, abandoned or they’ve had to file divorce because of their husband’s abusive behaviors. There’s a lot of extra baggage that comes along with being forced to look for a job when you don’t want to. Really, you want to take care of your kids, or because you’ve been enjoying a job that has a really low pay, and you’re like, “Oh, this job’s not going to work anymore, because now I have to support my family.” There’s another scenario here, which is many addicts are not very good with jobs. They get fired sometimes, because they’ve been looking at pornography at work or because their social skills are very poor. There may be women listening to this who have always been the primary breadwinner and their husband has had diffi...