Summary: <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> I am so honored and excited to have MJ Denis with us today. She is a licensed professional counselor, a licensed marriage therapist associate, a certified sex therapist, and she is APSATS certified as a clinical partner trauma specialist in Austin, Texas.<br> She works in private practice at <a href="http://crossroads-counseling.net/therapists/">Crossroads Counseling Associates</a> where she counsels individuals and couples who have experienced or been affected by sex addiction. Today we are going to talk about safe sex after sexual betrayal. When we say "safe sex," we mean emotional, physical, and sexual safety. <br> Anne: MJ, in thinking about this topic, where do we even start?<br> Sexual Safety After You've Found Out About Your Husband's Lies, Affair, Cheating, Porn Use, & Abuse<br> MJ: We are very much in the "buddy system" when we choose our spouse. It's really a matter of, "Hey, I'll get your back; you get mine. I'll keep you safe and you keep me safe and we'll look out for each other."<br> When we are in relationship with someone and our person has secretive behaviors, whether with another person or with pornography, this betrayal registers as a safety risk. Our amygdala--the part of our brain that helps us detect danger and threat--registers betrayal as danger. Our brain actually registers betrayal as a matter of life and death.<br> Anne: It sure feels like that.<br> MJ: Yes. In working with partners I often hear stories about how they discovered their partner's sex addiction or their betrayal behaviors. Ladies will tell me when they found out about the betrayal, it took them to their knees. Some women throw up. Some can't breathe.<br> Some can't get off the floor because their person is their person for safety and when they are betrayed and their brain says, "I'm not safe; I'm not okay in the world," ladies really loose their ability to function at times. Many partners report to me that they get sick, they lose weight, they can't go to work. This discovery registers as a crisis, as a danger, as a matter of life and death.<br> Anne: I felt that, right after my husband's arrest, when I realized things were as bad as they were because before I did not understand my true situation with his addiction and then related behaviors. I lost 15 pounds in 3 weeks. I couldn't eat or sleep; it was really bad, especially realizing that my person who I was relying on was never safe; I just didn't know it until that moment.<br> A Spouses Betrayal Registers As An Extreme Safety Risk<br> If our spouse betrays us and it registers as a safety risk, how can wives of addicts ever feel safe with an unfaithful spouse again?<br> MJ: People really experience dissonance when their spouse betrays them. Going back to us being in a relationship that registers to us as "safety; I'm your person; I've got your back; I've with you; You're with me..." we turn to our spouse as a source of safety. When there is betrayal, the person who was supposed to be safe is the source of pain.<br> So many times in the aftermath of betrayal, ladies will tell me they will experience a "come here, go away syndrome." "Come here, my husband, come here for safety...but wait, you've betrayed me and lied to me; you've cheated. Go away for safety....wait, where are you going...come back for safety."<br> This can happen emotionally--wanting to go to our husband for safety so he can understand us and hold us emotionally; we can also go towards our husband for sexual sa...
