Parenting On Purpose

From Conscience To Action A great story that illustrates how we go from conscience to action can be found in the Bible. Luke 10:25-37 25 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”26 “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it? 27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”28 “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.” 29 But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?” 30 In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31 A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34 He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. 35 The next day he took out two denarii and gave […]

Start The Development In Your Child’s Heart Webster’s Dictionary defines conscience as, “the sense or consciousness of the moral goodness or blameworthiness of one’s own conduct, intentions, or character together with a feeling of obligation to do right or be good.” The development of a consistent value system is the foundation for our decisions, for our sensitivity to what is right and what is wrong and for the feelings of those around us.  The media has recently been barraging us with stories that show us why the development of a conscience is imperative.  It seems scary that many of the children today are growing up with out a moral code.  Simple things like cheating in school isn’t seen as wrong, to things like online bullying and even more horrific things like school shootings are all evidences of where are society is at. Chuck Colson states, ““Most people believe the conscience is regulated by feelings.  But it must be informed by objective moral truth.  Our conscience needs to be trained, and failing to do so results in dire consequences.  To see the cost open today’s newspapers.” Those of us who have raise toddlers know that a conscience is not something that we are born with; it is something that is developed and nurtured.  Check back this week for more on the training process.   Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.

How To Appropriately Question Authority We want to raise critically thinking leaders and not blind followers.  A skill that’s necessary to teach our children is how and when to appropriately question authority.   First thing we need to instill in our children is to always take things back to God’s word.  He is the ultimate authority.  So there may be a time where a teacher, youth leader, grandparent or even parent says something that is not correct. We need to give our children the skills to ask a question about it appropriately.  This begins at home.  There will be a time where our children may not understand or will disagree with a rule.  We need to teach them that it is ok to ask questions about it.  It is all about the how.  Arguing is not appropriate so what it?  Politely, coming to the adult and asking, “can we talk about this?” is one way to do it.  Our children need to know that their opinion matters but it may not change the rule.  There will be times when a parent is in the wrong and we need encourage our children if they bring this up appropriately.  Discussion about things is great but arguing is not. Teach your children how to question appropriately and respectfully.   For more on this topic listen to today’s podcast.

Having Fun Within The Boundaries of Respect One of the things that is amazing about setting up  proper respect for authority in your home from early on, is it allows for more fun within the family.  There must be a clear line set up but once those boundaries are in place, fun can happen with out the fear of it getting out of control or disrespectful.  We have used this metaphor before but if you think of a sports field or court there is always a line drawn that is out of bounds.  Everyone knows it the ref, teams playing, and the spectators.  So it is very clear when the ball or player crosses that line and is out of bounds.  The same thing happens in our homes.  We can have fun with in the lines of respect because they are clear-cut, what is permissible and what is not.  When someone steps over the line then a warning or consequence is given.  That doesn’t necessarily mean that the fun needs to stop if the child heeds the warning.  For example our family game nights always got very silly and fun, but this could happen because we knew where the line was.  Make sure to have clearly set up boundaries that have been discussed to allow for family fun!   For more on this listen to today’s podcast.

 Starting At Home The home is the practice arena for everything external.  Children first need to be taught to respect their parents.  Things like voice tone, proper response, and facial expressions are areas we can work on with in the home even from a young age.  From toddlerhood on they can practices as they begin to exert themselves.  They can be taught to look at someone while they are speaking; this is also helpful to ensure that they are listening.  They can also be taught to respond to questions that another adult asks.  This includes being polite to others, a please and thank you can go along way.  This also includes teaching them words of respect like, Mr./Ms. or Sir and Ma’am. As children get older decide the things in your house that will not be tolerated because they communicate disrespect.  These can build on the things like voice tone and facial expressions.   Things like talking back or yelling back, and temper tantrums, which in older kids and teens look like stomping and slamming things or doors. This is another place that we as adults can set the example.  Make sure that we are communicating respect not only to our spouse but to our children as well, in how we speak to them and about them.   Listen to today’s podcast for more on this topic.

Why Is It So Difficult To Teach This? It is not natural for anyone to automatically fall under someone else’s authority.  We are self-focused and think we know it best.  (How well I know this, as my youngest is 2 .)  Respect for authority is not cultural either, we seem to have made a game out of insulting authority figures.  The media consistently pokes fun, constantly questions, and sometime outright disrespects those in authority.  While we want to raise our children to be critical thinkers, there needs to be a line of respect for a position.  Respect isn’t role modeled in our culture either.  Look at way some of the parents berate coaches and refs at children’s sports games.  It has gotten so bad that some of the fights between coaches and parents have made news. We need to look at ourselves and make sure that our children are seeing us role model respect.  Do we question their teachers or other school staff in front of our children? What do they hear us say about our pastor, our boss, even police officers? Another influence in our child’s life is music, TV and movies.  What are we allowing our child to watch or listen too?  Many of the shows and movies present adults and authority figures in general as silly or ignorant, and the children are the heroes of the story.  We need to make sure that the music and things they watch are […]

Why It’s Important To Teach This There are many reasons why we need to make it a priority to instill a respect for authority in our children.  These reasons range from it makes my child enjoyable for other adults to be around, to it opens doors for them both educationally and for employment.  One of the big reasons to instill respect is because it is a Biblical principle.  It is so important to God that it has even made His top ten list, or the Ten Commandments.  Exodus 20:12 states,  “Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” Paul then reminds us again in Ephesians 6:1-4 which states, “Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. ‘Honor your father and mother.’ This is the first commandment with a promise: If you honor your father and mother, ‘things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.’” Again this is such an important concept to God that He includes a promise with the commandment.  This is a command for children but it is our job as adults to teach them how to respect. Be sure to check back this week as we continue to tackle this topic and as always listen to today’s podcast for more.

#29 = Eat Dinner Together #30 = Take Vacations Together Research over the past few years has shown the value of eating together as a family.  In fact, an article in TIME, by Nancy Gibbs called The Magic of the Family Meal states, “Studies show that the more often families eat together, the less likely kids are to smoke, drink, do drugs, get depressed, develop eating disorders and consider suicide, and the more likely they are to do well in school, delay having sex, eat their vegetables, learn big words and know which fork to use.” Sitting down together as a family can also be such an awesome tool for teaching communication.  Children can learn the give and take of a conversation.  It can also be a great place to talk through how their day went as well as listening to how other family members faired.  The dinner table can also be a place for fun.  As parents we can be creative conversationalists and do games around the dinner table.   We must remember that even though we may be tired from our day we set the tone for how the conversation will go. Another area that can be a great venue for teaching communication is family vacations.  Simply taking a vacation where you have to have some down time as a family can be very valuable.  Make sure that when you are planning a vacation it is not all just entertainment but that there is […]

#28 Applaud Effort and Good Choices It is very easy for us as parent to get very results oriented, when we need to be process oriented.  We are raising children to BECOME adults.  We cannot have expectations that they will always make the perfect decision/action/ emotion in a situation.  This is why it is imperative that we applaud when they do make a good choice and make an effort to do the right thing.  We cannot simply applaud what we think the end result should be.  We spent a whole week discussing this topic to check it out, click here.   As always listen to today’s podcast for more insight.

Think Principles Not Procedures If we are training with the purpose of raising a Godly child who is marriageable and employable it is easy to get overwhelmed with all the things for which we need to prepare our child. Especially a toddler whose entire purpose it seems is to test the realities of the boundaries placed before him. However, if in the early years we can “lump” those rules in to principles we want to teach it will be easier both to communicate and to remember. For example, the simple principle of listen and obey, covers a multitude of rules. Another principle such as being kind to others helps blanket another set of rules, like not hitting, etc. If we can come up with consequences and rewards for our set of “principles” then the task suddenly doesn’t seem so insurmountable. Process through the Godly principles you want to instill in your child. These toddler years are a great place to begin this training! Listen to today’s podcast for more on the topic of toddlers.

Purposeful Training Yesterday we discussed “remembering your purpose”, when parenting toddlers we need to take that a step further. After establishing our purpose, we need to filter all of our training through it. This may seem like an insurmountable task but actually may help simplify the parenting process. Our purpose for parenting is to raise a Godly child who is marriageable and employable. So if we start with that end in mind it may help us to filter what may be just a parental preference, something that was a rule when the parent was a child and things that will help to accomplish our goal for parenting. There are obvious rules that we must instill like the meaning of “no” and things like not hitting. There are rules that seem to be gray areas like manners or running in the house. Now obviously manners and learning self control are very important for the future but we also must process our expectations for a young child. Take the time to filter your training through the ultimate parenting goals. Also take the time to have a staff meeting with your spouse to make sure you are on the same page, as well as talking through your expectations for your toddler to make sure they are age appropriate. Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on the topic of toddlers.

Keep Focused on the Purpose When in the “toddler trenches” it is important that we focus on our purpose. You may ask yourself, why am I doing this? Why am I fighting this battle day in and day out, it is exhausting? Keep in front of you the purpose for parenting. The goal is to raise a Godly child who is both marriageable and employable. It also helps to keep in perspective that God has allowed us the privilege of training the children He has given us and we will be accountable to Him for that training. He does encourage us with a promise in Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Training takes consistency, patience and intentionality. Remember that this period of “parenting bootcamp” is brief but how we handle it will impact the ease of our parenting in the future. Choose to be consistent and let your no mean no. Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on toddlers.

The Right Perspective It is very important when in the midst, or battlefield, of training toddlers to have the proper perspective. First, we need to remember that this is just a phase. While we can’t use it as an excuse for allowing behavior, it may give us strength in day to day to remember “this too shall pass.” It is our job to instill in our children a moral compass or the ability to know right from wrong. This training begins with the toddler phase when we begin to teach them what the word no means. That is why it is imperative through this phase that we are consistent in discipline and making sure that our no means no. Join us for the next two weeks as we begin to dive into the ups and downs of this roller-coaster we fondly know as toddlerhood. Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on the topic of toddlers.

How To Stop There are four easy steps to remember in order to stop yelling. Anticipate the behavior, don’t be caught off guard. Develop a plan for dealing with unacceptable behavior. Develop your response ahead of time for dealing with defiance. Choose not to become the consequence. Remember, the consequence is not to break the child’s will. The consequence is supposed to be just enough to make the child think. If established and consistently enforced it will cause the child to choose to be responsible. Make sure the consequence is selected ahead of time to make it possible for the parentand child to maintain their relationship. The child might be mad at the parent at first, but eventually, if there is no yelling the child will realize that his parent is not part of this consequence. This makes it easier for the child to realize that his parents are still pulling for him to win, and they still love him regardless. Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on the topic of yelling.

How It Damages The Parent Child Relationship Yelling does damage to the parent child relationship because it uses that relationship as a weapon. The parent themselves become the consequence. We have talked numerous times how important it is to stay removed from the consequence. We do this so that the child will learn it is their behavior that is earning the consequence. It’s not just on the parents whim. When we yell this is hard to distinguish and can ultimately cause anger in the child. The other reason why yelling is an ineffective consequence is that a child can learn to tune it out. In the long run it may not deter negative behavior at all. These are the reasons we must come up with a plan for discipline using effective consequences in order to train our children. For more insight on this topic listen to today’s podcast.