Parenting On Purpose

Things Parents Can Do We have talked all week about some things that parents can do to help with the cyber invasion of the home.  Setting up boundaries such as how much time is spent, where the devices and computer can be used, and modeling the behavior we expect. For the “how to’s” of monitoring the internet usage, check out our series on Privacy vs. Protection by clicking here. There are other things that parents can do such as making sure to stay up on current cyber trends.   If you don’t attempt to be current it will be difficult to monitor what your child is doing online, as well as make informed decisions if they are asking to do things.  Make sure to interrupt sedentary periods with periods of activity.  If your child has been online chatting or gaming for a period, send them outside for some exercise.  Better yet go out with them for a walk. Introduce activities that challenge or force your child to think.  Family game nights are great for this.  When purchasing a toy or activity for your child, think through what it does for their development.  Even simple things can be helpful like encouraging your child to help you in the kitchen, rather then getting them out of your hair and occupied by devices.    

The Myth of Multitasking Today’s technology has given us the opportunity to do more and all at the same time.  The problem is it was originally thought that technology would give us more free time.  That by being able to accomplish more it would give us more time to think, time to be with family etc.  Instead, it has caused society as a whole to cram more in.  This lifestyle of “multitasking” has caused us to be more distracted and allows us to not think, just do.  A great example of this is because I can now check my email on my phone, I will catch myself reading an email while my child is asking me a question.  It is easy to half pay attention to both.  Then I miss what my child what truly asking me as well as some times having to reread the email.  Sadly, I can even be frustrated with my child for interrupting me.  When if I wasn’t attempting to “multitask” and paid attention to the task at hand, then there would be no feeling of frustration towards my child.  I would truly be able to listen to what they were saying.  If we aren’t careful we can do this in a lot of areas. Isaac Newton said, “there is a need for each of us to mature by transitioning from youthful distraction to the discipline of mature long term attention.”  Dr Archibald Hart applies it to our digital […]

Setting The Example In putting boundaries around the cyber influence of our family, we as parents must lead the way in what this should look like.  This may be a difficult thing for some of us.  There has even been a new term created “Nomophobia”, no mobile phone phobia.  How many of us would turn around if we left our phone on the counter, probably most? Our smart phones have become such a part of us; a study has shown that some people experience phantom vibration when their phone isn’t even in their pocket. There have been several videos and stories circulating on social media showing how much we truly miss because of our smart phone obsessions.  We must set the boundaries for several reasons. First, for the example to our children of where the boundaries should be.  Second, we would never want to miss a moment of our child’s life because of distraction.  Third, we would never want to communicate that there is something out there that is more important then God and our family. So what do the boundaries look like?  There must be a time set where there are no interruptions, for example car time, dinner time and family time.  There can be a place where every one’s devices are put up to charge at night, parents included.  We have all been somewhere and observed a family out to dinner, all sitting on their devices and not really together.  Don’t […]

The Research Is In Why should parents take charge of the cyber input that is invading the life of their children?  First, the cyber world is here to stay.  Secondly, it is so dominant in our culture that it needs to be looked at.  Third, research is now coming out in volumes stating that while there is the good impact, there is also damaging impact and a potentially devastating impact.  This digital invasion came so fast in every area of our lives, we embraced it without thinking.  It was almost forced on us; it led us rather than us leading and controlling it There has been a societal shift that has affected the day to day of our children.   First, it was television that drew kids indoors, then gaming, now it is the draw of the social aspect of the internet.  This impacts the way kids interact with each other.  Instead of going outside to play with friends they can now meet up in the virtual gaming world via the internet.  This has an impact on everything from the social skills of our children to their physical health.  We will spend the rest of this week looking into these dynamics and how they impact our families and children, be sure to check back!   As always listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.  

Helping Your Pleaser Become A Leader | Part 5

Training Them To Make Decisions Having difficulty making decisions can be a pitfall of the pleaser child.   Some can be almost immobilized by the thought of making the wrong choice, so they shy away from making any choice. Make sure to allow your child to make decisions, as pain staking as that is at times, rather then jumping in and doing it for them. Click here to see our week-long series on raising a wise decision maker.  

It’s Never Too Late This should be one of our parenting mantras. It is never too late for our child, it is never too late to do the right thing, and it is never to late to start to make different choices as parents. Almost all parents, especially moms, deal with guilt of some kind. When we fail at parenting we deal with a lot of guilt. There is no such thing as a perfect parent here on earth, on some level knowing that fact helps in the day to day. I will mess up as a parent, I just need to make sure that I set the example to apologize and alter my behavior. One of the areas that it is easy to feel like you failed at, is discipline. It is so easy to get emotionally involved, yell at your child, and become the consequence. What happens if this has been the pattern of discipline for years? For all children but especially the pleaser child, you must work to restore and pursue relationship. It’s worth repeating, that a child must know that while we may be disappointed in their choices, we are not disappointed in who they are. We communicate this by pursuing them relationally. Make sure to prioritize one on one time with your children. Take the time to sit with them on their beds at night. Unplug when you are home to give them undivided attention. And make time […]

How To Discipline a Pleaser Children make mistakes, lots of them, because they are in training. Really, we all make mistakes because we are human. It is our job as parents to ride that balance of love and discipline.   In fact many have stated that to love is to discipline. We always have to make sure that we don’t become the consequence. This is especially devastating for the pleaser child. They will really feel their mistake emotionally, so for them to feel a detachment of relationship on top of everything is very hard. It is also imperative for the pleaser, that parent’s focus on repairing the relationship after handing out the consequence. We want to communicate that while we may be disappointed in the choice that they made, we are not disappointed in who they are. There is a big difference between the two that we have to be sure to communicate. Click here for our series on separating the relationship and the discipline.    

The Pleaser and the Barbarian We have mentioned many times that when it comes to discipline children fall into two main categories, the pleaser and the barbarian. There will be differences from child to child because no two are identical. The barbarian child is also known as the strong willed child. They are the ones who if given an instruction may do the opposite just to see what happens or to see what mom and dad will do. The pleaser child is the one who doesn’t put up as much of a fight and seemingly falls under authority more easily. There are benefits and difficulties with both. The barbarian may seem obvious that they tend to keep their parents on their toes especially in those early years. They are the ones who will definitely test to see if that “no” means “no” to see if there are inconsistencies. The pleaser child because they are seemingly falling right in line, are the ones who can overlooked especially when a parent has another child who is consistently testing the waters. If that happens a pleaser could then fall into a pattern of being manipulative or following the rules but only when someone is watching. This pleaser child is the one we are going to look at this week and discuss how we can bring out the best in this personality.    

The Difference Between Determined And Rebellious Both types of child can seem similar but the difference may be in the root of what they want.  A determined child is passionate for what they want.  The strong willed child may fight to get their way.  This is pride coming out, they will battle for their way regardless.  They don’t like being told no.  Another type of child is the angry child; they battle authority because they are angry.  When dealing with toddlers there may be some overlap of these three just from the natural push back of that age.  As children get older and training kicks in the determined child’s passion can be seen for what it is.  Passion for things they believe in.  Like we said yesterday, we need to help our child learn to channel that good quality and not get discouraged. The trained, determined child will be the child/teen who won’t easily quit or give up, can endure failures and come back, and isn’t afraid to risk failure. Determination at its best is doing your part, staying with it, never quitting and then trusting God for the results. This is what we want to instill in our children.    

Finding Ways To Use That Determination For Good Things People who are stubborn or determined, sometimes are the type of people who can get something in their head and cannot be swayed from it.  Another pitfall of this personality type is impulse control.  We can help train our children to put their determination to good use.  Determined people are the ones who run marathons, conquer Everest and bring about change in the world around them.  We have to help our children channel this gift.  Help them with impulse control.  A couple good areas to work on are time and money management.  For more on these three topics click here, here and here. We can help by steering them into activities that take time and patience to help them hone their determination.  Help find what they are passionate about and show them how to use their determination to do something with this passion.  This can be especially true for our kids in their teen years.  Instead of getting frustrated with our child’s stubbornness look for creative ways to help them put it to good use.   For more, listen to today’s podcast.

The Key: Consistency One of the house pops I had the privilege to work with in the residential homes at Sheridan House had a saying that he always used with the kids.  It was “hard heads learn the hard way.”  This seems to apply to all stubborn children.  Some seem to consistently test boundaries to make sure that they are always the same.  If we are not consistent with our rules, rewards and consequences it can lead to confusion.  Worse then that, it can be very detrimental to the training of our strong willed child.  Our no must mean no, every single time.  If we are not consistent it can teach them to look for the moments of weakness and exploit them, rather then learn the lesson we are trying to teach.  For example, if we have said to our children before entering the grocery store “we will not be buying ______ today,” we need to be prepared for our children to test this.  A strong willed child may even attempt a tantrum to see if you will give in.  If we do give in to save embarrassment in public then we have taught our child either the no doesn’t mean no when we aren’t at home, I can get what I want by pitching a fit, or both.  Consistency is key to training.    

Keep The End Result In Mind We all need to remember that parenting is all about the process.  I have to remind myself that I am raising a child NOT a mini adult.  This is all about teaching and training and I need to keep that in mind in the day to day to keep my expectations realistic.  My goal is to raise a Godly, marriageable and employable adult.  When I keep this goal out in front of me it is easier to enjoy my relationship with my child now.  When I remember that it is all about the process of parenting and training for the future then I can enjoy my child as they are now in the stage they are now. This is key for the strong child.  I don’t want to “break” the will of my child.  I want them to have that amazing God giving quality.  It is my job to help bend and focus that will so they can become the adult God has designed them to be.    

Children thrive under consistent boundaries. When parents are not on the same page these boundaries cannot be consistent. It can ultimately make the child feel very insecure. Children will even test this to see if mom and dad are on the same page.

It can cause disagreements when a parent are being too lax or too hard on a child. During a parental staff meeting, always keep your goals in the forefront of the conversation. Some of the ultimate goals of parenting are raising a child to be a Godly adult and raising a child to be both marriageable and employable.