Parenting On Purpose

When Do Parents Yell? In order to stop doing something, we need to be aware of when it is happening. Yesterday, we discussed that yelling takes place most often when there isn’t a plan. We need to identify those times in our own lives where we don’t have a plan in place. Without a plan it is very easy to get exasperated. Other times it is simply that we don’t expect our children to be children. If this happens their immaturity can frustrate or annoy. Finally, like we said yesterday, if we get embarrassed by our children’s behavior it is easy to overreact in order to “get it under control.” For example, those trips to the grocery store with a tantruming toddler. Take the time to identify those moments in your own parenting experience where you may be tempted to yell. Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on the topic of yelling.

Why Do Parents Do it? We are going to focus this week on yelling or the adult temper tantrum. We have all observed parents that are yelling at their children. And unfortunately many of us are guilty of it. The adult temper tantrum is not something that is a controlled stern voice tone. It is where a child does something and the parent “loses it” and yells. So why does it happen? For many, it is the way they were raised. Others may yell because they are at a loss for what else to do. Some parents are dealing with stress in other areas of their lives and when a child messes up they catch the brunt of the adults emotions. Some parents are not prepared for their child’s behavior and are caught off guard or embarrassed, so they react. Not only is yelling not an effective consequence it is usually the result of a lack of plan on the parents part. Check back, we will spend the rest of the week discussing yelling and what we can do to change it. Listen to today’s podcast for more on yelling.

The Series Wrap Up As we wrap up this week discussing training children in time management, there are two important facts to remember.  In order to be consistent, time management training is something that both parents need to be on the same page with.   This means that there needs to be discussion time or a parental staff meeting as you begin to decide on and implement a plan. The second is that if we as parents are consistent with our plan, rewards and consequences the choice to follow the plan is placed on our child’s shoulders.  If we are not consistent then we the parents become the consequence.  With the plan clearly communicated to our child and consistently enforced it is easy to show the child that they are ultimately choosing the reward or the consequence by their behavior.  It removes us from the equation and allows us to be the unemotional enforcers of our plan. Both of these facts are true in many areas of parenting and remind us how important it is to have a plan in place. Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on training your child in time management.

Giving Your Child Control Over Their Time In the parenting we need to practice the ICE plan, instruct, consequence, and exercise.  When we are training our kids to use their time wisely it is no different.  The past few days we have been discussing the different ways to instruct your children by helping them to manage their time.  Next we need to set up the consequences both positive and negative for time management, meaning rewards for consistently sticking with the plan and what will be done if the child strays from the plan. As the child grows we can give them more and more control over their own time management, which is the exercise in the ICE plan. Again as with money management, we can look at our goals for training our children in time management and work backwards.  Ultimately as our children leave our home we want them to be prepared to have control over their time, especially when facing all the time wasting temptations on a college campus. We need to give them room to practice managing their time while they are still under our roof in high school.  An easy place to do this is a teen’s bedtime. Keep in mind that a bedtime is different from a curfew.  You can slowly back a bedtime up until ultimately there is no bedtime.  As long as a teen is keeping up with their school work and morning family responsibilities then they can continue without a bedtime.   If they are having a hard time getting up with their alarm in the morning then the bedtime can be reinstated.  The important thing is to allow your children to practice time management while you are still there to help them with it.   Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on training your children in time management.

Teaching Kids to “Bank” Time Teaching children to manage their time is such an important life skill that will help them to succeed.  One of the areas to help them learn how to do this, is the concept of banking time.  This concept can be the most useful when tackling a big project.  For small children we can use their chores to teach them this lesson.  If a child learns to pick up their toys or does a little bit every day then cleaning their room is not a big deal.  If they do not pick up after themselves then cleaning their room will big a huge job.  The same applies for older children and teens when having to complete a school project or book report.  One of the most important things these projects teach is how to budget your time.  If we help our children break a project down into bite size pieces and then hold them accountable we will save our family from a very stressful time the weekend before the project is due.  We are also teaching our children how to handle big tasks with out it stopping their lives.  This is a very important life skill to learn for college, the work place, and even for simple household management.   Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on training your children to bank their time.

Training Starts with Your Example We have said many times that one of the ways our children learn best is observing our example; the area of time management is no different.  Is our home one of calm organization or of consistent stressful chaos?  If we are managing our time and our family’s time the overall timbre of the home should be that of a well oiled machine.  If we are not managing our time and our time is managing us then we will live in chaos darting from one thing to the next with the overwhelmed feeling of never getting ahead. As parents we need to first look at our time and family time with realistic expectations.  Like we stated yesterday, there are only so many hours in the day so we need to make the most of them but we cannot be unrealistic at how much we can squeeze into those hours.  We must sit down and organize our schedule so that we will not be consistently responding to the “tyranny of the urgent,” but we will be in charge of our time.  This is where a weekly parent staff meeting can be effective. Remember it is ok to say no to things so that you can have those quiet times as a family!   Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on training your children in time management.

Helping Your Child Deal With Peer Pressure Finally this week here are some verses that will help us when we face peer pressure as adult and as we train our children to make the right decision when facing negative pressure. Romans 12:1&2 states, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” 2 Timothy 1:7 states, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” Joshua 1:9 states, “This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Another great study is the life of Joseph.  Which can be found beginning in Genesis 37.  One of the main points to note is Genesis 39:6-10, Joseph stood up in the face of temptation.  His reason for the decision that he made was that he did not want to “sin against God.”  This was such an unpopular decision that it landed him in jail.  But it is such a great story to show that even if there are trials for making the unpopular decision God still has a plan for our life.   Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on the topic of peer pressure.  

Practicing Supervised Peer Pressure There are several ways we can prepare our child for the battle of peer pressure.  The first is, as always, leading by example.  Do you set the example in front of your children of not conforming to peer pressure?  As your children get older process with and include them in some of your decision making.  Discuss with them why when everyone else is doing/buying this we as a family have make the decision to not.  Be the example in a culture that is self-absorbed, give to others and allow your children to observe and be a part. Give them opportunities to practice making decisions about peer pressure even when they are young.  If they want something that costs more then you had planned to spend, whether it be something for school or gift for a birthday, because it is the more popular choice, allow them to contribute their money towards the purchase.  By doing this you allow them to feel that giving into peer pressure “cost” them something. Keep in mind that family relationships are not a substitute for learning to deal with peer pressure because these are decisions that will have to be made most often when family is not physically there, such as on a college/high school campus or on a date.  Strong family relationships are however, the platform of strength, from which a child can feel confident when responding to negative peer pressure.  They will always know that there is someone who loves them and who is behind them cheering when the make the right choice even if it is unpopular.   Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on the topic of peer pressure.    

What Part Does A Parent Play in Peer Pressure First we need to ask ourselves two questions.  Do we feel that peer pressure can have a negative impact on our children? Do we feel that peer pressure can have a negative impact on adult?  From what we have already discussed the answer should be a resounding yes! If children are not taught how to deal with peer pressure they not only can make decisions as teens that can affect the rest of their lives but they can make decisions as adults that can have just as severe of consequences. Thankfully most teens when polled will still state that their parents are their number one influence.  It is our job to keep it that way.  Family cannot become little more then a “layover” before the next activity.  As we have discussed countless times management of our schedules is imperative so that family relationships can be maintained and deepened. Family must be the soil of relationship that the child is safe to grow in.  It must be a place of unconditional love, non-performance oriented love. Without these family relationships, or if we become so busy that we neglect these relationships, children will look for a place to find acceptance.  That can be peers, social media, online gaming, or boy/girl friends.  Ask yourself who you want to be your child’s number one influence?   Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on the topic of peer pressure.

Factors That Play A Part In Peer Pressure To understand the factors in peer pressure we also need to see when it begins. Peer pressure actually begins as soon as a child begins interacting and observing other people.  It is amazing you can watch toddlers pick up behaviors from other toddlers such as taking a toy away from another child and saying mine, that is under the assumption that they are not observing this behavior in their parents.  Parents and other adults also have a huge influence on their children.  Small children are constantly observing learning and mimicking their parents and other adults.   So in a way this is “pressure” to “conform” to certain behaviors or mimicking because the behaviors are thought to be normal. What factors affect a teens ability to resist temptation? A strong sense of self is the first.  Are they secure in who they are where another’s opinion will not cause them to cave into doing something they know/feel is wrong.  The second is a strong sense of family.  The support of family can be an amazing factor, a desire to not let other family members down. Also the knowledge that there will be support at home when I make the right decision even if it is unpopular.  Thirdly, faith can play a huge role.  When a child is grounded in what the Bible says not only as a list of rules but that those rules are there to protect their relationship with God and others it can have a major impact.  From this faith will be a knowledge that God has a plan for their life which can give the strength to say no to temptation. (Jeremiah 29:11) Finally helping your child find a peer group that will share the same beliefs and values will help your child by exerting positive peer pressure.   Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on the topic of peer pressure.

What Is Peer Pressure? In its most basic form peer pressure is the push to conform to those in a group in which you belong or want to belong.  It can be pressure to change your beliefs, values, behaviors, attitudes or appearance. We find this in all walks of life but it would seem because our children/teens are still searching to define who they are we can see the most extreme forms of peer pressure in the teen culture.  The desire to belong or fit in a group has caused some teens to do some unbelievable things, from totally changing their outward appearance to the unthinkable. Some parents are left scratching their head wondering what happened? The topic this week will help to arm parents in preparing their children to be strong in the face of peer pressure.  Not only in resisting temptation but resisting the pressure to do things that may have life long consequences simply to fit in. Lastly, I would like to leave you with an illustration that I used countless times with the girls in the residential program to show how imperative it is to arm our kids to deal with these pressures. I would have one girl stand on a chair and have another face her and hold her hands.  The girl standing up on the chair would be instructed to pull the other girl up onto the chair with her.  This would be very difficult if not impossible.  However, it would be very easy for the girl in the lower position to pull the first girl off the chair.  This is how peer pressure is, unless we are taking the time to prepare our kids.  It will be very easy for a group of kids to “pull them down” off their foundation unless we are taking the time make sure our children are rooted strongly.   Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on the topic of peer pressure.  

Relationship Perhaps one of the most important of all the things that we can focus on in the school year is relationship.  In the craziness of all going on it is an easy thing to get left by the wayside because it takes time and intentionality but teaching our children how to relate to others is a very important area of training that we cannot miss out on. How do we do teach our children heathy relationship? The first way is to role model.  As parents we can be intentional about communicating with our spouse in front of our children.  As they get older it is ok to have “talk time” while the children play.   They need to observe that our relationship is important and takes constant communication. The second way is to pursue relationship with your children.  This can be best done through one on one time.  If you have an errand on a Saturday take one child with to help, alternate children of course.  As we have mentioned numerous times you can take time weekly or monthly to “date” your children.  It can even be as simple as spending a few minutes each night with your children individually on their bed talking or recapping the day. The point is relationship is something that we have to put on the calendar or it is easily forgotten once the fall is in full swing.  Take time to talk to your spouse and get your “game plan” for how you will make relationship a priority this school year.   Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.

Responsibility One of the best ways to teach our children personal responsibility is by allowing them to have family chores around the house.  We have to be prepared as parents for the chore process.  It is more involved then simply telling your child what chore they will be doing.  First we need to take the time, maybe in a family meeting, to explain why we do chores.  (the reason is we are all a member of this team called family and we all work together to get things done, parents and children)  Next we need to take the time to explain our expectation for the chores.  This may mean taking the time to actually do the chore with your child the first time so they can see what your expectation is.  Next we have to monitor and check the chores.  Finally we have to process what are the rewards and consequences for chores.  The reward may even be as simple as verbal praise but there must be some form of affirmation for a job well done. Sounds like a lot of work but we as parents need to decide where our focus is, are we training focused, time focused or task focused?  Meaning is our focus on the fact that I can get this job done so much faster or so much better or is it on training our children to be responsible?  Chores are not about teaching our children life skills, although that is a benefit, the are about teaching your child they are a contributing member of the family.  We set our children up for success when we teach them this because they can go through life not only being responsible adults but adults who look for ways to contribute.  We are helping to model not the “what can I get” attitude but because I am a part of this what is my responsibility to give?   Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.

Routine One thing that a lot of parents don’t realize is that kids flourish in routine.  Of course it may be fun to stay up late, sleep in late and do whatever you want but most kids actually prefer a routine day in and day out.  A routine makes everyone feel comfortable and secure because it alleviates chaos.  Another area to process as you gear up for this school year is what does your family routine look like? We’ve discussed in the past how important sitting down as a family for dinner is, but what about breakfast? Even if it is only 15 or 20 minutes extra it is well worth it.  Studies have shown us how important a good breakfast is for fueling your body, it is even important for proper weight management.  It also creates a calming atmosphere before everyone runs out in different directions.  You can even take the time at breakfast to read a quick family devotional to start everyone’s focus out right. Routine does several other things for the family as well, such as allowing for self-discipline.  As your children get older part of their routine can be getting up at a certain time.  Allowing your child to wake up by an alarm is a great way to train in self-discipline.  It also saves the parent from frustration and possibly screaming matches over your child getting out of bed.  That definitely doesn’t help everyone start the day in a good mood. Another thing routine does is it helps the parent get out in front of possible issues rather then waiting for those issues to arrive. Homework is a great example of this.  If a time for homework is set into the routine everyday then a parent can see not only if the homework is getting done but also be available to help if the child is struggling. This doesn’t leave interim reports to be the wake up call for the family to scramble to work on grades. Make sure to set aside sometime to come up with a routine that works for your family during this “preseason”.   Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.

Recreation As we are processing through this time of “preseason” for the school year, one thing we need to make some decisions on is our children’s recreation and extra curricular activities.  What boundaries are we going to place to protect our family time.  If we don’t do this it is so easy for our family calendar to get eaten away by activities.  When this happens we can become only a carpooling parent and not a training parent.  After you and your spouse have come to decisions about guarding your families schedule, it’s time for a family meeting.  Sit down with your children and discuss what are activities that they really want to do and what can be cut.  You may even want to get a calendar for each child as well as having a central family calendar to help keep planning organized. There are several reasons that we don’t want to over schedule our children.  Even though most of the extra curricular activities are wonderful and teach great things.  One thing that is very important for our children to learn is what to do with down time.  Constructively handling down time is something that can be key for college/adult success.  It is also very important to have family time religiously on the calendar that way we don’t loose touch on who each other are as people. Check out our series called Performance Focused Parenting for more information on this topic.   Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.