Parenting On Purpose

The Value of Food Coloring With the explosion of social media there is an overwhelming amount of information on how to have fun and create fun family memories. From blogs, like this one, to pinterest we have no excuse to not have creative family time.  We just have to make the time. There are two types of fun that need to take place because they serve two different purposes.  The first is spontaneous fun, this is the type of fun that breaks routine. We gave an example of this unexpected fun with the story of the water balloons earlier this week.  It can even be something like having a themed dinner, picnic on the floor, dinner at the beach or the park on a weeknight, or even as simple as stopping for an ice-cream off the dollar menu to celebrate a Tuesday. The other type of fun is scheduled fun.  This is setting aside time to have fun together as a family.  A great example of this is a family game night.  Family game night can do a lot more then just fun. It can help to teach a child how to have fun with competition and how to win/loose appropriately. Make it a habit to have moments of spontaneous and scheduled fun at least once a week.    

It Doesn’t Have to Cost Money Today’s society has such a warped view of what fun is.  For many of us fun is wrapped around getting something new or paying someone/something to entertain us.  Many of us pay to take our children places for them to be entertained.  We need to teach our children what it means to have fun with out spending.  This doesn’t mean sitting your children down and lecturing them how when you were a child you could spend the day entertaining yourself out side with only a stick or a rock.  This means setting the example.  Play with your children, don’t just set them in front of the TV or videogame as a babysitter. Another thing that we can do is encourage our children to develop their imagination.  Spend time reading to your children or making time for them to read.  Loose your inhibitions and spend time in the back yard pretending to fight the dragon or sailing across the ocean with your young children.  Take the time to kick/throw/ hit a ball with your older children.  Show them that fun doesn’t have to cost anything. There is also something to be said for the value of knowing how to entertain yourself and not have to be entertained.      

It Relieves Stress We touched on the concept of fun as a stress relieve a little bit yesterday.  It is amazing that fun can be like a mini vacation from life. It is amazing how just a few brief moments of fun can lighten the load of a stressful situation.  It also helps us as parents keep proper perspective on what truly is important. For example, during a particularly stressful time for the girls in the residential program, meaning they were having a bad week of fighting between each other, the house mom and I decided that we needed to create a “distraction of fun”.  When the house pop left in the van to pick up the girls we spent 30 minutes filling water balloons.  Now was there other things that we could have, and probably should have, been doing with that time? Yes, but we knew that it would help the girls relationally if we could create a distraction.  We were around the corner of the house when the van pulled in and soaked them as they got out.  It is amazing what being pelted with water balloons does to build camaraderie in a group.  We were able to defuse the tension and relational stress with fun. Try finding time for some silly fun in your house this week.    

Why It’s Important To Have There are so many stressors on every member of the family today, financial, relational, and work/ school related stress to name a few.  The home is suppose to be an environment that will shield us from those stresses.  It is our safe place and shelter from the world around us.  It is also the place to build those lasting childhood memories.  How sad for time to just fly by because of our busy lives and have regrets about the time spent with our children.  We can’t spend our time living only for the weekend or the vacation time. We need to incorporate fun into our day to day.  When children are young get into the habit of making family meals something that you do together.  Take that opportunity around the table to talk but also don’t miss out on the opportunity for laughing and just plain silliness.  It is amazing the stress relief of a really good laugh.  Taking opportunities to look for fun also sets the tone for the atmosphere of your family.  What will your children feel as they think about their childhood? Will it be fond memories of great family times or will it be memories of wishing for something different. Make sure to not take yourself to seriously and just have fun with your family.    

Attributes Of A Friend-Part 2 We are continuing yesterday’s study on what it looks like to be a best friend. Here are some more attributes and verses to study through. Best friends strive to become great encouragers. Hebrews 3:13 “But encourage one another daily… ” Best friends strive to be Self-Sacrificing . Philippians 2:4 “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Best friends strive to be spiritually challenging. Proverbs 13:20 “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.” Best friends are fun to be with, remember fun? Proverbs 17:22 “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”  

Attributes Of A Friend-Part 1 The next two days we will simply share the attributes of a friend and some verses that go along with them for you to process. Take the time to look these up over the next few days. Best friends are loyal. Proverbs 17:17 “A friend Loves at all times..” Best friends share. One way they do this is by being good listeners. James 1:19 “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” They also share by being wise talkers. Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Best friends strive to be intellectually stimulating. Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. ”  

Risking Who I Am There is an incredible focus today on self. We say words like self-esteem, self-worth, self-discovery and self-preservation. The problem is before marriage we have not really practiced the art of loosing oneself. We harp on this scenario a lot but 100 years ago a family meant sharing things; you shared toys, a room and possibly even a bed with siblings. The concepts of my own and selfishness were not what they are today. Children today have there own set of toys and many today don’t even understand the concept of sharing the family phone because everyone has their own cell phone. So if the sharing of things is rare this concept of sharing self is very foreign. As we talked about yesterday God has brought two very different people together with the purpose of making them become one. This means we have to give up this sense of self for this purpose. Ultimately sacrificing our wants, desires and even needs to put the other first. This is what becoming best friends looks like sacrificing self to gain becoming one.  

Understanding Your Spouses Perspective There is a choice we have to make in any relationship but especially in marriage, and that is choosing to understand the other person’s perspective. We are going to have very different outlooks on life. There are gender differences which will cause us to see things differently. We also have differences in personality as well as different communication styles. To further complicate the situation we tend to marry our opposite in these areas. Morning people marry night people, communicators marry non-communicators and introverts marry extroverts to name a few. God intentionally put us with people who are our opposite to smooth out the rough edges, allow us to be an effective team and be more well rounded and prepared then just one of us alone. So instead of getting annoyed that our spouse doesn’t do things the same way we do, we need to embrace it. Even take it a step further and try to see things from their perspective. Friends take the time to understand each other. The amazing thing is a lot of the ways we are opposite may not have been revealed until after we were married. Some call this God’s sense of humor but in reality it’s His brilliance. We get to spend a life time working to better understand the one He has given us. The relationship will only get stale and old if we give up the attempt to better understand and serve […]

Choosing To Be Your Spouses Best Friend In order to become best friends, we need to make this relationship a top priority. It’s easy when life happens, children enter the picture and stress creeps in to allow marriage to get place on the back burner. If we are not careful then years may go by and we may look at our spouse and realize that we are married to a stranger. We need to take the time to input into our marriage through all the stress and chaos so that we are able to grow together. This enables to to become one flesh. Jesus tells us in Matthew 22:37-39 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ As many times as I hear this verse it’s such a great reminder that our closest neighbor is our spouse. If we are not choosing to love them then how can we expect the love to appropriately trickle down to our children then those around us. Check back the rest of this week as we discuss tips for pursuing a best friend relationship with your spouse.  

Why Is Lying Important to Deal With? Lying is a very deep rooted issue.  It is an extremely self-centered act.  It is done at the expense of others for personal gain. Lying must be dealt with as part of the training of the child. If you can’t trust a child to tell you the truth, how can you let them out of your sight? How can you let them move on the next steps of training. Lying is an effort to avoid taking responsibility for my humanity. It’s a natural response … if I can get away with it.  So if it a “natural response” why must we take it so seriously, because lying is addictive.  Lying can become so addictive that even the person doing it has a hard time deciphering the truth.  Many times in residential program the children have been so conditioned to lie they have to be retrained to tell the truth. A child must be taught to work on thinking out his response.  I heard once that we shouldn’t as parents put our children in a position to lie.  For example, a mom sees her young child throw a toy instead of asking “did you just throw that?” She can rephrase the question and say “I just saw you throw that toy” and proceed with the discussion.  Help your child learn to discuss the whys of the situation. “mommy I threw the toy because I was pretending that […]

Your Teen and Lying Lying is a scary thing to deal with at any age, but especially in teenagers. Parents can feel so helpless because there are so many areas that a teen can make life altering decisions. We want to know our teen is trustworthy. So what do we do if we find out that our teen is lying? The behavior must be consequenced in a big way. Next, observe to find out if this is a consistent problem. Take some time to check up on your teen to see if they are doing what they say. If lying has become a pattern then a parent need to tighten up on the teens boundaries.This means we need to call a parental staff meeting to decide the areas which need to be tightened up on. A meeting with the teen then needs to take place to communicate that trust has been broken. Communicate to the teen the they will not be allowed as much freedom until trust is restored. One of the ways to build trust is to admit when you have done something wrong. When this is happening consistently and trust has been built, then the teens boundaries can slowly be restored. Remember lying needs to be taken seriously because of the impact it can have on your child’s future.  

The Reasons Children Lie When our children are lying consistently, we may need to take a step back and evaluate why it is happening. The first thing we need to examine is our example​.  Are we telling our child the truth even in difficult situations?  One way to do this is to admit when we are wrong and apologize to our child.  Secondly, we need to examine our standards for our child. Are our expectations too high? Are we expecting them to reach a standard of perfection or getting irritated with their childish behavior?  Thirdly, is it attention seeking behavior because I have been too busy or my focus else where? Lastly, have I allowed my child to get away with lying because I have been too busy or exhausted to deal with them consistently? Dealing with lying in and of itself can be exhausting but it is essential for us to help our children overcome, before it becomes habitual. A habit of lying can impact every area of their adult life. Take the time to evaluate the cause behind the lying. It may help to prevent it from happening.  

The Process of Dealing With The Lie The process of dealing with a lie can leave a parent scratching their head and wondering what to do.  If I confront it will it only lead to more lying? Often times a parent can make the decision to just ignore the behavior.  This is extremely detrimental as we discussed earlier this week because lying is such addictive behavior.  First thing we need to do is confront the lie.  Make sure your child knows that you are aware a lie has taken place.  At that point “the world needs to stop.”  A big deal needs to be made and an additional, and more significant, consequence needs to happen.  They also need to be given the opportunity to tell the truth.  When a child chooses to tell the truth we need to praise that decision. Like we have mentioned before if a child makes the choice to tell the truth when caught doing something or in the place when they could lie, we need to go crazy with praise.  We must be intentional with “catching” them doing the right thing and telling the truth, especially when they could have lied.  Check out Teaching Your Child The Ability to Trust Part 4, for an example by clicking here.    

Why Does My Child Tell Lies? To deal with this difficult topic in parenting we must start by asking the question, what is lying? International Standard Bible Encyclopedia, Electronic Database defines a lie in this way; “In its very essence, a lie is something said with intent to deceive. It is not always a spoken word that is a lie, for a life lived under false pretenses, a hypocritical life, may be a lie equally with a false word.” So why do lies happen? For children it may simply be to get out of trouble or an over active imagination.  For teens it may also add for appearances sake, they want to please their peers or not want to feel bad about themselves. Thirdly, we can ask where do lies come from? John 8:44 says this, “For you are the children of your father the devil, and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies.” Meaning, we all have a sin nature so it is natural for us to immediately resort to lying when we are caught at something.  We must be trained to be truth tellers. Now that we have answered these three important questions check back the rest of this week […]

It’s A Parent’s Responsibility It is a parent’s job to put the cyber world in its proper place in the family.  This is one of those important areas to sit and have a parental staff meeting about.  It must be decided the where, how, when and what for the internet will be used.  Like we have stated there are some beneficial uses, such as schoolwork.   Researching for things is much easier when the internet can be properly utilized.  Teachers have even been know to set up web-pages for big projects so kids can work as groups or use it as a resource.  There are even online tutors and countless supplemental learning resources can be found.  We have to be careful not to through the baby out with the bath water but that baby does have to be monitored.  Start with the question of where is internet use acceptable.  In a child’s bedroom is not the best place. It needs to be a family computer out in the open set up for accountability.  Secondly, how can your kids access the internet? Is it ok for them to use the internet on smart phones, game systems and tablets, or will it only be on the computer?  Next will be the when.  Set up boundaries and specific times especially with your teens, for whom internet usage will have a social aspect.  Phones should not be allowed in the room at night or at the dinner table, […]