Parenting On Purpose

Communication Blockers (part 1) For many, the summer is a down time for the family because the kids are not in school there is extra time to do some fun family activities.  With the start of the school year, for some even this week, the family day to day activities begin in full swing.  Even if your children are not yet in school many churches kick off all of the fall events and small groups as well.  All this to say we are no longer in relaxed mode and for many the busy season begins.  It is so easy to look back during the holiday season and think, “wow where did the fall go?!” This time of crazy schedules can really be a communication blocker if we allow it to be.  We must carve out time for family to be together and be intentional to take full advantage of those small moments we have previously discussed.  Sit down with your spouse and schedule in family nights if you have to.  Look for times daily to communicate with your kids.  Be Intentional! We need to make each day count and not just live for the weekend or those vacation days.  So often it is easy to pass the time or just attempt to relax in front of the TV.  But this is another thing that can become a communication blocker if we don’t set up boundaries around it. Like we have stated in the […]

Utilizing Grandparents and Other Adults A last great venue for teaching communication is one that is sometimes overlooked.  It is the grandparent.  In today’s transient culture many families don’t live down the street from each other anymore.  In fact, many don’t even live in the same state.  The tragedy of this is that for most families the grandparent is an awesome tool  for teaching communication.  Many would love to do nothing more than listen and give of their time to their beloved grandchildren.  This is a great tool because it also teaches children how to relate to a person of a different generation but also can be a wealth of wisdom because of life experience. Many families don’t live close to their grandparents and some unfortunately don’t have great relationships with their grandparents.  This is where there is a great advantage to having a church home.   There are many couples whose children are far away that can be great “adopted grandparents” for your family.    

Bed Time Another great venue for communication is bedtime.  When children are small it is so important to create a bedtime routine.  Many of these routines include reading to your child and singing before they go to sleep.  The important thing about these sweet times with our children is just getting to be with them in these last few moments of their day.  As our children grow, many times we leave these “bedtime routines” behind.  Bedtimes can even become a battle and a time of frustration for both parent and child. Many times if a bedtime routine can be put back into place a battle can be avoided.  Instead of rocking your child to sleep with a song, you can sit with them on their bed and listen.  For many kids a hard day is being processed through in these last moments before going to sleep.  If we are there in these moments with our older kids, just listening, we can help by offering support or even just the comfort of mom or dad.  The great bedtime moments don’t have to be left behind as our kids get older.  We again just have to be intentional in giving our kids our time and teaching communication.  

Drive Time Many moms today spend countless hours in the car, aka the family taxi, because of the many extracurricular activities their children are involved in.  Some parents sacrifice their time driving their kids to Christian school or braving the carpool line. We can turn these times into communication training because we have a captive audience.  Sure there may be days where your son or daughter would rather sleep then talk but there are also moments where great conversations can happen.   It is our job as parents to create the atmosphere for these moments and then wait.  Some times we can spark conversation by just asking a few questions and then listening.  You may even have to set up some boundaries for older kids, such as their music or cell phone is not on until they get home.   We must take advantage of even the small minutes for communication. As parents we also need to keep in mind that kids are often the most willing to talk when their hands are busy.   This is where we can get creative.  Pulling a child in to help you make dinner can not only teach them a life skill but can open the doors of communication.   There are certain hobbies that our kids like to do that can be great talk times, such as throwing a ball or shooting hoops.  Even some old timey family activities can spark great conversation, like keeping a puzzle out to […]

Communication Opportunities: The Family Dinner Table We have already addressed several reasons why communication is so important.  Next we will discuss a few venues for communication.  Each of these venues we can use to “zone out” as a family but we have discussed the fact that we need to be intentional in creating opportunities for communication. The venue we will be discussing today is the dinner table.  It’s ok every once in a while to enjoy pizza in front of a movie as a family or brown bag dinner in the car because of a crazy night.   This however should not be the norm.   Research over the past few years has shown the value of eating together as a family.  In fact, an article in TIME, by Nancy Gibbs called The Magic of the Family Meal states, “Studies show that the more often families eat together, the less likely kids are to smoke, drink, do drugs, get depressed, develop eating disorders and consider suicide, and the more likely they are to do well in school, delay having sex, eat their vegetables, learn big words and know which fork to use.” Sitting down together as a family can also be such an awesome tool for teaching communication.  Children can learn the give and take of a conversation.  It can also be a great place to talk through how their day went as well as listening to how other family members faired.  The dinner table […]

Talking Through And About Conflict This week we have been talking about the importance of making communication training a priority in parenting. We have also mentioned that knowing how to communicate is a vital characteristic to have for a successful marriage.  Teaching your child the basics of communication is important because it will lay the foundation for them to develop into successful communicators with their future spouse.   As your child grows the home should be a training ground to teach things such as how to communicate feelings, learn to ask for and grant forgiveness and work through disagreements. All of us have personality and temperament bents that can affect our communication style.  Some of us are stubborn and don’t like to give in during an argument while others find it fun to argue just for arguing sake.  People who are more laid back may not want to offend by sharing a differing opinion.  Still others may clam up when asked how they feel.  Through out childhood and adolescence we can begin to decipher our child’s communication style and help them process through any pitfalls that may come with their particular personality.  

Teaching Your Child Communication By Example There are many things that we teach our children by simply showing them how to do it.  One of the most important and sometimes difficult things about parenting is that we must always be aware there are little eyes watching everything we do.  This means our words and actions need to match up. We must teach them how to communicate by example.  We each need to ask ourselves, what do my children see when I am angry?  Are we able to process and talk through things when we are upset or do we take out our anger on those around us?  Remember we must teach communication intentionally and one of the biggest ways children learn is by observing those closest to them. Another area that we can teach by example is how to listen.  One of the first places we can be an example in listening is with our children.  This is not always as easy as it sounds.  How many times do we absently answer a child’s question without really listening to what they are saying? Are there ever times that we assess a situation and make up our minds about what happened without listening to our children?  That is just in everyday situations, when a child is acting out listening can become even more difficult.  We need to remember to be intentional because our children will learn how to listen from how we listen to […]

Helping My Child Share Feelings In A Positive Way One of the most important aspects of communication is the ability to share ones feelings. Although this seems such a basic form of communication it can be easily overlooked in the training of our children. Yesterday we talked about how our current culture is so distracted and fast paced that we cannot take our job of training our children to communicate for granted.  It must be something that is done very intentionally. When children are younger we are constantly reminding them to, “Use your Words”, in order to help them communicate. As they grow older we may allow them to try and communicate through emotions,  such as anger or frustration, because we have grown weary of the time it takes to deal with their behavior .  However, when our children are acting out in frustration or anger, we need to remind them to use their words.  If our children are not trained how to communicate their feelings both positive and negative, it can lead to some destructive behavior patterns.  Bottling up emotions can be very dangerous.  When you are teaching your child how to communicate their feelings, you are also beginning to help them learn how to process through their emotions.  Emotions that are raw and un-processed can also lead to destructive behaviors.   We must be constantly in tune with our children’s day to day so that we can remind them to “use their […]

Why Is This So Important? For the next two weeks, we will be talking about training your kids to communicate.  This is one of those valuable tools that will help your kids be marriageable and employable in the future. There are many adults today that have not been trained how to communicate.  Because of  the distractions of today’s culture this is something that we have to make a priority for the family.  In the past families did things together for entertainment so communication was more natural.  With the introduction of the three “T’s” (television, transportation, technology) the natural family communication state has been interrupted. With television, the entertainment was moved from internal, or within the family, to external.  This and other technological advances have made it that we must be intentional in training our children to communicate.  

The Importance Of Receiving Forgiveness There are many reasons to focus on teaching forgiveness. One of which is learning how to forgive enables your child to have a successful marriage. It helps your child avoid a life filled with bitterness and resentment. As they learn the cost of forgiveness it helps them to understand what it meant for God to forgives them. 1 John 4:7-8 says, “Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” A major component to any love relationship is giving and receiving forgiveness, parent/child, spouses and God to us. Make sure you are including this important training in your parenting.  

When Your Child Is Hurt This may be one of the most if not the most difficult thing about being a parent, watching your child hurt. Whether it is physically hurt, being sick or emotionally hurting it pains us to see. Many of us would do anything to carry that burden for our child.  So what can we do when our child is hurt? One of the first places we can teach forgiveness is in the home. Siblings are great practice for many areas of life, forgiveness definitely being one. Teaching siblings  the choice of forgiveness can start very early when they inevitably hurt each other.  We start by acknowledging the incident and the pain. Then have one sibling ask for forgiveness and the other give it. This may seem simple but we are instilling this concept early for when the bigger hurts come later on. It needs to be the same process if they are hurt by a peer. Talk through with your child by acknowledging their pain. It is easy to blow off when a teen brings up a social situation but we need to use every situation to practice forgiveness in the heart of our child.  When dealing with a bully we don’t want our child to be a doormat but Christ would not have us teach retaliation either. Click here for our series on dealing with bullies. Spend time listening to your children and allowing them to emote, offering forgiveness seems […]

What Forgiveness Is Not Forgiveness is not a feeling, much like love. It is a choice, an action or a journey; forgiveness is something we live. Depending on the level of wound, forgiveness may be something that we must choose daily for our lifetime. Jesus reminds us, “You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that.” (Matthew 5:43-47) Forgiveness is not understood by the world around us. The world around us seeks revenge when they are wronged. One of the biggest evidences to those around us of God’s work in our heart is forgiveness. Choose a lifestyle of forgiveness, for the sake of the eyes watching, both big and small.  

Forgiveness Is Not Natural, It’s A Discipline Forgiveness is a significant part of any relationship, but some areas of forgiveness don’t even seem natural, especially when it’s forgiving someone who has hurt us deeply.  We discussed yesterday how our example, especially in this area, is critical.  What do my children see when they observe my attitudes and actions towards people who have wounded me? There are several quotes that apply here and are good for us to keep in mind.  “Forgiveness is like letting a prisoner go free only to realize the prisoner was me.” And John Elderidge said, “Not forgiving a person for what they have done to you is like drinking poison expecting the other person to get poisoned.” The Bible gives us a key in working through the process of forgiveness. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” So the idea is when an angry or bitter thought pops into your head you immediately dismiss it and force yourself to think of a positive, better yet to pray for the person.  How we deal with the issue of forgiveness in our own lives is probably how our children will. We must be sure to model it well.

Why It’s Important To Teach Forgiveness is not something that is focused on much in today’s society. We want our children to stick up for themselves, to be on top of the “pecking order”. It’s not a very popular idea to turn the other cheek or “love your enemies.” We unfortunately can see the emotional effects of this attitude in the world around us. We live in a world of revenge, anger, bitterness and road rage. Our anger bubbles so close to the surface that someone cuts us off or steps in front of us in the grocery store line and we are ready to “let them have it”.  Unfortunately, this attitude is being observed by our children. Our example is probably one of the most important things in training our children. So our question for today is are we teaching our children to forgiveness even in these small instances so they are prepared for when the big offenses happen? We are forgiven by God so we can offer forgiveness to others. Scriptures go so far to say that the level of forgiveness we offer is the level we will be given. We must keep Christ as our example. “While we were yet sinners Christ died for us.”  He even took it a step further, while He was on the cross in His agony He beseeched His Father to forgive us. Wow, what a high calling we have to live this out for […]

Perfection vs. Fun There is such pressure for performance and perfection in today’s culture, from how we perform at work/school to our appearance.  A great way to defuse this pressure is family fun.  Especially fun at a parent’s expense, this helps model for a child how not to take themselves to seriously.   In our house this was Dad.  Dad made sure that he rigged it so that he lost most of the games we played.  He then would make a huge show of loosing meaning that he would burst into tears or being silly throw a temper tantrum.  There were many creative ways to have us all hysterically laughing.  It seems he took it as a challenge if one of us was in a bad mood to do something ridiculous to make us laugh.  There was even several times that he “fell asleep” at the breakfast table and got oatmeal all over his face.  This was a great lesson for us in how its ok to be silly and to laugh at yourself.