90 Seconds on The Verge

"Hello customer #11864. Welcome to Applebee's, America's favorite bar and restaurant. Can I interest you in a delicious appetizer from our kitchen? We have a special today on JERK CHICKEN WINGS WITH DIPPING SAUCES. I will leave you now and come back with some human beverages. You are our favorite slave, I mean customer."

Stop. Inhale. Hold. Exhale. You've waited far too long for this. The excitement built, the tension grew, but after a full 23 hours and 59 minutes, 90 Seconds on The Verge is back.

You will watch 90 Seconds on The Verge. You will enjoy 90 Seconds on The Verge. You will get your news from 90 Seconds on The Verge. You will watch and enjoy and get your news from 90 Seconds on The Verge. You are 90 Seconds on The Verge.

"Look! Up there, in the sky! It's a bird, it's a plane, no, it's Superman! Wait, it's not him either. What is that? It looks like some sort of remote controlled helicopter. What's that it's carrying and why is it coming towards my apartment? Is that the underwear I ordered on Amazon?"

"Gobble, gobble. This is the Verge's official turkey. I just wanted to let you know that 90 Seconds will be taking the rest of the week off to try and hunt me down. I've been able to safely evade them until now, but Ross is becoming a better hunter by the day. This really looked like more fun in 'The Hunger Games.' Anyway, they'll be back next Monday with more 90 Seconds on the V–" "Got him! I'll be eatin' well this Thanksgiving!"

"Hi, this is Patricia calling from 23andMe. I'm calling because you recently tested yourself with our product. I believe your results may differ from your actual health. Remember when we diagnosed you with 12 fingers on your left hand? We believe that may have been a false positive. If you could do us a favor and check your left hand and give us a call back with a new finger count, we would greatly appreciate it. Once again, we apologize for any inconvenience and we hope to hear from you soon."

In the case of Awkward Guy v. Friend Zone, we, the jury, find the defendant guilty of wimping out on that kiss last Friday night. We feel that the defendant had his chance after him and Jessica finished watching '10 Things I Hate About You.' There was a moment where it totes seemed like the right time, but then the defendant was all like, "I don't know what to do. What if she says no? That would be so embarrassing." And Jessica was all, "I guess he isn't interested in being more than friends." The crime shall be punishable by a minimum of ten years of regret.

Tired of reading books about vampires? Looking to save time and brain power by simply watching them on TV? Well FX is here to save the day. Introducing 'The Strain,' the TV show! No longer will you have to settle for paper and text. Now all those juicy, vampire words will come to life on the silver screen. You can even watch it on an airplane! "How am I supposed to share my excitement over each episode with my friends if I'm on a plane?" Well now you can watch 'The Strain' on a plane and gossip with your friends on the phone at the same time! Think it will annoy everyone around you? Sure, but who cares? It's legal now!

Hey, how are you doing? I just wanted to let you know that I had an amazing time with you today. I really feel like we had something. I mean the sparks were really flying! Do you believe in love at first sight? Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but I haven't felt like this in years. Hopefully we can do this again sometime very soon. — Nathan

He didn't show up to do this either?! Come on. I don't usually write this kind of stuff. What? Am I just supposed to write bizarre, nonsensical jokes? What is this description really for anyway? What are these weird quotes? Who comes up with these questions that they throw in here? Does anyone even read this? I give up. I don't know what I'm doing here. What am I going to write for this description? Oh wait... I believe I just did it.

What came first, the chicken salad or the egg salad? What came second, the tuna salad or the fruit salad? What came third, the chopped salad or the tossed salad? What came fourth, the potato salad or caesar salad?

Just a small town girl, living in a lonely universe. She took the midnight space train goin' anywhere light-years away. Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit 2 on Mars. He took the midnight space train goin' anywhere light-years away.

"We just love what your startup is doing!" "Thank you so much." "We feel that it would make a beautiful addition to the Facebook family." "You do?" "We do. That is why we are willing to give you $80,000,000,000,000,000 plus this batch of delicious chocolate cookies my wife made. What do you say?" "Mmmmm... I think I'll wait a bit to see if I can get more. Thanks though! Can I still take a cookie?"

Your path to true happiness is only 90 seconds away!

Come one, come all to the greatest spectacle you've ever laid eyes on! For behind that curtain is a world of mystery and magic, mysticism and wonder, oddity and intrigue. I know many of you have traveled a great distance to make it to the Michigan State Fairgrounds, but I do promise you the wait will be worth it. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girl, I present to you, one of the great enigmas of the modern world. For no advancement in technology will help us better understand what it is that lies before us. Without further ado, I give you a truly audacious reveal and one that will live in your hearts and minds for the rest of your lives. Please put your hands together and help me welcome... *cough* I'm sorry, but my throat is a little dry from talking. Let me grab a glass of water to sooth my parched mouth and then I shall return!