90 Seconds on The Verge

Your path to true happiness is only 90 seconds away!

Hoping to become the superhero we all need, Elon Musk has acquired a number of James Bond's gadgets, but he customized them with his own flavor. First up was the garotte watch. Musk purchased it for $1,200, but put another $18,000 in it so that the watch could shoot flames. Next were the dagger shoes. The shoes are traditional black leather and cost roughly $800, but Musk spent another $50,000 to make them shoot flames, plus another $30,000 on insurance. Lastly, Musk bought the original Golden Gun for $80,000, but unfortunately broke it while trying to make the gun shoot flames.

What happens when you take a senior reporter, pump him full of human growth hormones, and put him in front of a camera? You get the 7'10'' host of 90 Seconds on The Verge, Casey Newton.

"Where are my bowls? Does anyone know where my bowls are? Excuse me, but I'm looking for where my bowls are. Have you seen them?" -A guy who doesn't know how to say wearables

Burger King. Covered in slime. Steve Ballmer wearing a diaper. Giant cockroaches in tuxedos. Everyone speaks spanish while 'That's Amore' by Dean Martin plays on repeat. The air thickens to a point where I cannot move. Ballmer closes in on me. I really need to stop drink Mountain Dew before bed.

He was there to bring funk to the force. After all, this department was lacking the charisma, charm, and soul of its early days. Some called this move risky, bizarre, even stupid, but Captain Fatone knew what he was doing. That's why he hired Detective Timberlake in the first place.

Things to do this weekend: 1. Listen to 'Jungle 2 Jungle: The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack' 2. Play some Dance Dance Revolution with my homies 3. Learn how to play guitar 4. Eat an entire salad 5. Go hiking up a big mountain 6. Smash a guitar 7. Spend time with my kids 8. Read a novel 9. Write a novel 10. Start planning next weekend

"Your group makes its way to the entrance to the dark woods. Your elven archer is still poisoned and will soon require a special plant from the forest as an antidote. No one in your party knows exactly what plant." "Can I leave the archer behind and sign with one of the top two soda companies as a creative director and spokesperson for a comfortable six figures annually." [Checks book] "You need to roll a six."

"You drive a tough bargain, but I'll give you one final offer." "What is it?" "I'll give $750,000,000 for one and a half more episodes of The Golden Girls WITH hologram Bea Arthur" "I still don't understand why you love The Golden Girls so much Mr. Branson, but I cannot turn down that offer. Sold!"

5 Steps to a Better Life: 1. Eat more tortilla chips 2. Ride a tandem bike alone 3. Grow a unibrow 4. Shave your unibrow 5. Fireworks

Ballmer/Gates Movie Ideas 1. Back to the Future -Steve Ballmer as Marty McFly -Bill Gates as Dr. Emmett Brown 2. Annie Hall -Bill Gates as Alvy Singer -Steve Ballmer as Annie Hall 3. Pirates of Silicon Valley -Bill Gates as Steve Jobs -Steve Ballmer as Bill Gates 4. Top Gun -Steve Ballmer as Iceman -Bill Gates as Maverick -J Allard as Goose 5. Jurassic Park -Bill Gates as John Hammond -Steve Ballmer as T. Rex

Verge-ventions: -Chapstick Tablet -Ice Chicken -Bacon Marbles -Glass Windows -Bees -Holy Bowls -Brass Banana Hammock -Donkey Brick -Concrete Rubber -Childproof Gum

You're about to spend 90 Seconds on The Verge. If you're wondering what you're fnord watching right now, it's our daily video show fnord where we give you the most important stories in a minute and a half.

"Yo. You got the stuff?" "Yeah. You got the money?" "$5.50, right?" "Yep." "That seems a bit steep." "If you don't want this, I got like six other people waiting-" "No, I do. I'll take it. This stuff is good?" "It's not just good. It's the best. Those are fresh walnuts." "They do look good. Ok, I'll take one pint of Chunky Monkey please.

"A new Snapchat! I wonder who it's from...Mrs. Robinson? I wonder what she sent m-OH DEAR LORD!"