Summary: <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> Several months ago, Kate was in a situation where she needed to hold a parallel parenting and no-contact boundary. She also had a financial situation that she needed to resolve with her ex-husband, that was proving difficult for several reasons. Kate explains her feelings during this time and reflects on the solutions she had considered, such as blocking him from contact. Coach Sarah also offers some important insight into Kate's journey. <br> Anne: Kate, were you able to resolve that financial situation with your ex?<br> Kate: Yes, I was. It was difficult, but it was resolved. Retirement funds were transferred, and bank accounts were closed. Financially, I am disconnected from my ex now.<br> Anne: After considering blocking him on your phone and blocking his emails, now that we’ve had a few months go by, and you have this financial thing resolved, what are your feelings now about doing that?<br> Kate: Right now, I don’t feel like I need to do that, because I’ve been able to manage texts from him. He hasn’t called me at all and he hasn’t sent any emails. He’s only been texting. What I’ve found is that I’ve gained some resiliency in dealing with texts in the minimum kind of response as possible. I find myself, instead of reacting to his texts, I’m responding and I’m taking time to think things through before I respond. I don’t know the magic solution that has happened. I don’t know how to articulate it, but it has been a peaceful time in my heart and my soul in dealing with him. I am really grateful for it.<br> Anne: Sarah, I want to talk about how goals might change as situations change, or as we gain more insight, or as we gain more strength. What is the process of discovering what boundaries you might want, and then, in the process of exploring those boundaries, perhaps changing your mind, those types of issues?<br> Coach Sarah: Absolutely. We have really two types of boundaries, and we don’t even know it. The one type of boundary is what we call definitive boundary. I’m going to use an analogy to help conceptualize this. When I walk into the room, the things that define Sarah, I’ve got dark brown hair and green eyes. I walk in the room, and people see my dark hair, and they see my face, or my skin, and they’re like, “Oh, that’s Sarah.” These are the things that define me for who I am.<br> Depending on the season, middle of summer in Texas, I might come in in shorts and t-shirt, right? In the middle of winter, I might have my boots on and jeans and a jacket and, maybe, even a hat, depending on if it’s really cold. Those are what we call our protective boundaries. They change, based on our need for protection.<br> A great way to connect with how this would work, I get to define what I do or don’t want in my relationship. I might say, “In my relationship, I do not want pornography. That will never be a part of my marriage.” If the current marriage ended, “My next marriage, I will not have pornography be a part of my marriage.” That is a way that I get to define, it’s part of how I want things to be. That’s not going to change.<br> What might change is, let’s say shortly after discovery, I might not want to watch anything on TV. I might not want my husband to watch anything on TV, other than the Food Network channel, something that feels really safe and non-triggery. As time goes on, as safety increases, I might say, “Okay, well now we can also watch the fishing show.” I’m going to be able to add different shows on,
