Sex With Dr. Jess

What does it mean if I think about someone else during sex? Is fantasizing about a celebrity during sex a form of cheating? Who's more likely to fantasize about someone other than their partner - women or men? Jess tackles these questions and more in this week’s podcast. **This transcript is our best automated version of the live podcast.** Welcome to the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. This is Jess O’Reilly, your friendly neighbourhood sexologist, and today I am in Phoenix for a cool event Body, Sex & Business and my next stops are in New York and Dallas, so perhaps I’ll see you in your city over the next few days. This episode is brought to you by Desire Resorts and Cruises. Set sail on a clothing optional experience from Barcelona to Rome with me at the end of April. There are only a handful of cabins left, so get ‘em while the getting’s good. Today I’ll be answering more listener questions about sex and relationships and we’re receiving a boatload every day. I’m having trouble keeping up, so I’m trying to categorize the questions thematically so that I can answer related questions all at once. In the past few weeks, I’ve received a bunch of similar questions with regard to fantasizing during sex and they all have so much in common which tells me that this is a serious concern for many of you. These questions tie in with the topic of my TED talk, Monogamish. If you’re not familiar with my TED Talk from TEDx Vancouver, Monogamish, I’ll tell you a bit about it now: It’s the single piece of media that elicits the most hate mail and I hope it remains so — meaning that I don’t want to produce something else that gets people just as angry at me. The haters call me everything from a dumb porn star to a pedophile. I read the comments on it once totally by accident and I started crying, so I’ve never been back. But you’re probably more concerned with the content than with my personal experience, so to sum it up, in this TED talk, I argue that the state of the modern relationship seems to be in crisis when we examine divorce rates, marital satisfaction rates, and infidelity rates. I argue that so-called pure monogamy, the notion of only having eyes for one soulmate forever and ever is unrealistic for most people if you want excitement and a hot sex life. Open relationships work with similar outcomes to monogamous ones, but they’re not for everyone and so I present an alternative option (not a solution), but an option, I call monogamish. This is the middle ground between monogamy and consensual non-monogamy and it involves looking at other people, thinking about other people, maybe even interacting in a flirtatious way with other people and sharing all of this with your partner to heighten the connection, growth, and passion in the relationship. If you want more, go watch the talk…so I can get on to the questions. We’ll start with two questions from the same listener. She says I can use her name…Tonya is 29 and she asks… 1. If you are having sex with your boyfriend and your mind wanders and you picture someone else what does that mean? It means you’re perfectly normal and you’re excited by novelty, challenge and/or the unknown. Just like we dream about a range of partners, scenarios and lifestyles, so too do our fantasies reflect this desire for variety. 2. Tonya also asks “So is it worse to visualize someone else’s face or to just think of them? If I literally think about another person’s body or face, I feel like it’s somehow worse. I don’t believe that one is worse than the other. I think it’s healthy to fantasize about people other than your partner. I know it can seem scary (especially if you reverse the roles), but couples whose relationships have stood the test of time (especially those who still have hot sex lives!

Jess answers your questions about gender roles and rules in the Swinging Lifestyle. She also shares a bit about her own personal experience and unpacks data about consensual non-monogamy. Whether you're an experienced Swinger, curious about the lifestyle or just wondering what you can learn from consensually non-monogamous relationships, have a listen as Jess differentiates between cheating and CNM relationships. This podcast episode is brought to you by Desire Resorts.

This week, OB/GYN and founder of Her Viewpoint, Dr. Jessica Shepherd, is back on the podcast to talk about sex, the vagina, orgasms and more! The pair take listener questions and address the ‘what-ifs’ about sex and the vagina. Follow Dr. Shepherd on... Instagram Facebook Twitter Also, check out Dr. Shepherd at the BlogHer Health event in NYC on January 31st, 2018.

This week, Jess invites Dr. Laurence Levine on the podcast to discuss all things penis’! She opened the floor up to her social following and received many questions about the topic. For some great comprehensive medical advice, be sure to tune into this one!

Jess and her partner, Brandon, chat about sexual frequency and discuss where they’re at in their relationship today. Jess also shares data on how often the “average” couple has sex and strategies for discussing frequency with your partner. **Please see a rough version of this podcast transcript below** Welcome and happy new year! Now I took last week off while I was visiting family down in Florida. I was travelling with Brandon and my pup Lido and hanging with two of my favourite cousins — Mike and Denise. Today, I’m down at Desire Resorts with my partner Brandon and while I’m here I’m teaching 2 workshops, hosting a few book signings and meeting couples from all around the world and, of course, having some very interesting conversations. Now yesterday, we were chatting with a couple in their 50s and they mentioned that it was their 36th anniversary and they were talking about how coming down here has been great for their relationship and that even after 36 years of marriage, they still have sex. Regularly. That to me, is pretty great. Still having sex after 36 years. But not just having sex, but having it regularly. And here’s the kicker — they’re not just having sex. They’re not just having it regularly. They have it on average 6 times per week! 6 times per week after 36 years. I’m a sexologist and this came as a surprise to me. Now they told me this while chatting with Brandon too and his reaction and my reaction was a little tense. Cuz we’re sitting here fewer than 17 years into our relationship — and I’m supposed to be the sexologist and they’re having way more sex than I am — with Brandon or myself for that matter. So I decided it’s time I talk about sexual frequency here on the podcast and maybe get a little personal since we all know Brandon has a much better radio voice than I do. So babe, what did you think when you heard from this couple and was the tension between us that I felt real or did I imagine it? Let’s be honest, how often do we have sex? And now we’re both about to stumble over our words or you folks are going to be faced with some awkward silence. And do you want it more? Do you feel like I want it more than you? It has shifted over the years…and it’s affected by my travel schedule. Here’s what the data says. And I’ll preface the data with a few thoughts. First, I’m always reluctant to talk about frequency and averages because you’re not average. And you’re not an average. I’m always worried that averages will be used as barometers or yardsticks against which to measure your relationship’s success. But here’s the thing: frequency only matters as much as YOU feel it matters. You don’t need to have more sex unless you and/or your partner want to have more sex. So if I share the data and you weigh in at a higher number, it doesn’t necessarily mean your sex life is satisfying. Because you may have sex more often than other couples, but it still may not be as much as you or your partner want it. Similarly, you may have far less frequent sex than average and have a richly fulfilling sex life, because the only true measure of your sex life’s degree of satisfaction is your own. You can have sex once a day and be satisfied and you can have sex once a year (or not at all) and be satisfied. It's a matter of you determining how often you want it and finding a balance between your frequency and your partner’s. SO that's the first thing I want to say before I share the data. The second is: people lie about sex even when surveys are anonymous because ultimately we lie to ourselves. I've spoken to couples and one partner will report that they have sex weekly and the other will say they have it consistently every other day. Unless they're having it with separate partners, which is a different story altogether, something has got to give.

In this episode, Jess sucks the romance out of relationships and offers a practical, business-based approach to happier relationships. It may seem unromantic to treat your relationship like a business, but it’s far more romantic to plan for success than to close your eyes and hope for the best. Most couples invest their time and money into their wedding — but not into the relationship itself and the results are abysmal. Don’t be most couples! Treat your relationship like a business. This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.  You can view this episode's transcript below: Marriage is a Business. And from a financial perspective, it’s thriving. The wedding industry in China is estimated at $80 billion per year. In the US, it’s $161 billion — and that doesn’t even count the Kardashian year. Globally, our annual investment in tying the knot is over $300 billion and growing. The numbers alone paint a pretty picture. The business of marriage is booming. And why shouldn’t it? A marriage is a very good investment, especially for men. Married men earn 11% more than singles in the same roles. And both men and women reap health benefits from marriage including a 17% reduced risk of certain cancers, 12% lower rates of cardiovascular disease and longer lifespans in general. But let’s take a look at some other martial data. The rate of marriage is declining and more people are getting divorced across the globe. In the last 50 years, the crude marriage rate in the EU-28 has declined by nearly 50%. In 2011, there were 2.1 million marriages in the EU and nearly a million divorces — 986,000 to be exact. In the US, some estimates suggest that the divorce industry is worth $50 billion per year. It seems that while we’re willing to invest a great deal into weddings and to some degree divorces, we still aren’t profiting or successfully investing in marriage. We throw money at the start-up phase and then close our eyes and hope for the best knowing that we’ve got a 50/50 shot of losing everything. Now I don’t think we’d do this in business, but you tell me. Would you invest into a start-up knowing that no further financial or advisement investment would be made? Would you purchase an investment property and let it take care of itself? Would you sign on as a partner in a company without seeing their financial and strategic plans? Even if the company’s founder was an old friend and a great person, you’d insist on discussing the finer details. You have a certain degree of business sense that helps you to mitigate risk and promote higher returns. In business, you plan and invest. You surround yourself with the right people. And you adapt to changing environments and demands. What I’m suggesting to you, is that it’s time to treat your marriage like you do a business. Yes. They're different. But many core business competencies are transferable. You’re obviously successful in the business realm, so perhaps it’s time to look at how you can apply your business savvy to your marriage. It’s time to invest and plan. It’s time to really look at the people involved. And it’s time to be adaptable and innovative. Now I know that comparing marriage to a business isn’t romantic. But neither is divorce nor infidelity, nor misery in pairs, so hear me out. Most businesses begin with a plan. Whether it’s a lengthy document to showcase to potential investors or a Lean Canvas designed to identify needs, every business has a plan. And every successful business revisits that plan from time to time. Unfortunately, we don’t do this with our relationships. Your marriage may be the most important partnership to your health,

Dr. Justin Lehmiller joins Jess to address listener questions about cuckolding and cuckqueening. Why might you be turned on by seeing your partner having sex with someone else? Is it cultural, personal and/or evolutionary? How can you talk to your partner about your fantasies? And should you consider playing out your fantasies in real life? Happy listening! Follow Justin on... Twitter Blog - Sex and Psychology This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.   

This week, Jess is joined by Sex Coach and Owner of Good for Her, Carlyle Jansen. The pair discuss the must-knows about orgasms and answer some listener Qs. Don’t miss this one! Follow Carlyle on... Twitter Facebook Follow Good for Her on... Twitter Facebook  Instagram Youtube This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts. 

Dr. Ruthie Neustifter joins Jess to answer listener questions about sex and relationships after a sexual assault. This episode was recorded in support of The National Sexual Assault Hotline. Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) for 24/7 support. Follow Dr. Ruthie on… Twitter

Jess travels every week for speaking engagements across the globe and since she posts *too many* Insta-stories, she receives many questions about her travels. In this week’s episode, she attempts to answer them.

Jess’ much-better-half Brandon joins her to discuss how they make their relationship work while Jess is on the road. This is an unscripted discussion and we hope you like it!

This week on the @SexWithDrJess Podcast, social media influencer, Jacqui Childs, joins Jess to talk about what it’s like to be a woman in the digital world - the good, the bad, and the ugly. There are lots of laughs and reminiscing on this one, but most importantly the pair discuss online haters and how to deal. Tune in! Follow Jacqui on... Twitter Instagram Facebook Youtube

In this week's episode, Jess explores the power of vulnerability as part of the formula for intimacy. Intimacy = Expression of vulnerability + Loving response She shares one couple's story and offers insight on how simple interactions can lead to deep connection. Have a listen! See this episode's transcription below... In today’s episode, we’re addressing a very important topic — the formula for intimacy. I’m going to cut to the chase. To deepen intimacy in your relationship and feel closer, more connected and more in love, there are two simple requirements: Vulnerability + Loving Response That’s it. Nothing cultivates deeper intimacy than admitting that you feel vulnerable and being met with loving reassurance. I’m going to use the story of a couple I recently worked with as an example. Let’s call them Jordan and Rena. Jordan and Rena are out for dinner and Rena is radiant — inside and out. She has an energy that just lights up the room. All heads turn when they walk in. And when Rena walks past the bar on the way to the restroom, a couple of men approach her. Jordan sees this and he feels threatened - and maybe a little jealous. So let’s look at a few ways this can play out. Scenario #1: Jordan gets up and confronts the guys and their date night is ruined because he’s riled up and Rena is embarrassed. Scenario #2: Jordan waits at the table and when Rena returns, something is different. He doesn’t want to engage in conversation. He’s flippant, dismissive and sarcastic. Rena asks what’s wrong and he simply replies “nothing”. Scenario #3: Jordan waits at the table and when Rena returns, a conversation unfolds: Jordan: Who are those guys? Rena: I don’t know them. Jordan: What did they want? He’s angry. Rena: Nothing really. They asked to buy me a drink. I declined. It’s over. Jordan: Well clearly you liked talking to them. I saw you smiling. Rena: I was being polite. Jordan: Right. Rena: Don’t be jealous. I hate when you’re jealous. You’re being insecure. Jordan: I’m not jealous. They’re douches. Rena: What’s your problem? Jordan: My problem? You’re the one who clearly needs everyone’s attention. And they go on fighting — not really talking about what’s really bothering them (their feelings), but simply being accusatory, defensive and ultimately inhibiting desire by avoiding the most important aspect of the evening — their feelings. Scenario #4: Jordan waits at the table and when Rena returns, a conversation unfolds: Jordan: Who are those guys? Remaining calm. Rena: I don’t know them.  They asked to buy me a drink. I declined. I just wanted to get back to hanging with you. We’re lucky to have a night out away from the kids. Jordan: Smiles. You’re YOU. Of course they want to talk to you. It’s hard when I feel like everyone is after you — I don’t blame them. You’re the best, but it’s still feels weird when other people hit on you. Rena: You have nothing worry about. I LOVE you. I want to be with you. Jordan: I know. They hold hands, feel a little spark in their stomachs and continue their conversation about their plans for the holidays. In the first three scenarios, Jordan, rather than acknowledging how he’s feeling, goes on the attack (in the first one), withdraws (in the second), and makes accusations/directs blame in the third. In the third, Rena judges Jordan for feeling jealous and even complains that he’s feeling this way. She also accuses him of being insecure. And accusing your partner of feeling what their feeling is ultimately a form of judgment.

Comedian Debra DiGiovanni joins Jess to talk about the landscape of stand-up comedy for women in 2017. She responds to research suggesting that funny people are better in bed and shares sex insights from the world of comedy. Follow Debra on... Twitter Facebook Instagram This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts. 

Jess is joined by women’s health expert, Chia Chia Sun, who shares her research and insights into the world of menopause. Why do we need to talk about it? What can you do to have a hot sex life at any age? Listen below! Follow Chia Chia on... Instagram  Facebook  Twitter