Sex With Dr. Jess

Jess speaks with comedian, Christina Walkinshaw, on what it’s like to be polyamorous. Jess and Christina draw from Christina’s blog, ‘Becoming Poly’, which discusses how Christina met her current partner and how she’s adapting to the poly world. Listen below! Follow Christina on... Twitter Facebook  Youtube This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts. 

Three decades of research suggests that having kids is associated with an unhappy marriage, but it doesn’t have to be this way! Parenting Expert, Alyson Schafer joins Jess to share practical tips to help you live (almost) happily ever regardless of whether or not you have kids. Tune in to learn about no-ego parenting and the “couples counsel” approach that could revolutionize the way you communicate with your partner. Follow Alyson on... Facebook  Twitter Youtube

Sex clubs are becoming more mainstream. Jess shares her observations about sex clubs and chats with Fatima Mechtab who shares her stories (including one about a blowup doll!), tips and insights. Click here to find a sex club near you. Follow Fatima on... Facebook  Instagram  Twitter Follow Oasis Aqualounge on... Facebook  Instagram  Twitter A few additional notes on sex clubs: Many of the couples I work with visit sex clubs to get their juices flowing. They dance, flirt, watch and leave without ever having sex or reaching orgasm. They use their experience as both fodder for intimate conversations (emotional) and as material for sexual foreplay. In many cases, the anticipation is hotter than the reward, which makes sense, as dopamine levels can be twice as high during the anticipation pleasure as when you experience the pleasure itself. You don’t have to participate in any specific way and regardless of your specific desires, you’ll want to consider several questions and have ongoing conversations in advance: How long will you spend at the club when you visit? Will you have a drink? How many drinks will you have? Will you dance? What will you wear? Do you plan to undress? How will you respond if you’re feeling uncomfortable? How will you ask your partner for support? How do you want them to respond? What will you do if someone asks you or your partner to dance? What areas of the club will you visit? (e.g. Will you go into the play rooms or just the bar?) What excites you about visiting a sex club? What concerns or fears do you have? What’s your best-case scenario for your first visit? What’s your perceived worst-case scenario? Discussing boundaries and concerns in advance can help you to feel more at ease and ensure that you don’t have to make high-pressure decisions in the heat of the moment. Take your time with these questions and allow yourself to be vulnerable as the conversations unfold. There is no rush to visit a sex club — they’ll still be there next week, next month or next year. Note: Many reputable sex clubs also offer tours for newbies, so check online or call ahead to find out what they offer in terms of tours and workshops. I may even be able to recommend a sex club tour guide like Luna Matatas or Spirt Sex Lab's Evguenia. I believe that seeing real sex between consenting adults who aren’t being directed by professionals can be helpful in creating a happy, healthy sex life. Porn is not intended to be a form of education, but we often use it as a learning model, as we have no other options. If you want to gain insight on other topics (e.g. football, cooking, crafting), you being by observing others. You don’t simply learn about the mechanics in a book or study the potential risks in school — you actually watch others performing the task on video or in-person. Why do we treat sex differently? I studied human sexuality and sexual health education in school, but I didn’t learn much about the physical act of sex in the classroom. Luckily, I have derived great educational benefits from observing real live sex at sex clubs and resorts over the past 10+ years. Seeing real people with a range of body types engaged in a wide range of sexual activities not only makes me more comfortable with sex, but also with my own body. The first time I visited Desire Resorts and saw couples of all ages having different types of sex, my whole outlook toward my body, aging and sexuality changed for the better. This, of course, does not mean that your experience will be the same as mine. If you’re not interested in visiting a sex club, that’s okay too.

Jess is joined by sex educator extraordinaire Sunny Megatron who shares her knowledge of kinky sex terms. From CEI to SPH, you’re sure to learn something new in this episode! Follow Sunny on... Facebook Youtube Twitter American Sex Podcast This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts. 

Stop trying to be a people-pleaser. You probably question its worth sometimes. This week, Jess sits down with Marriage and Family Therapist and author of The New Sex Bible for Women, Dr. Amie Harwick, to discuss the science of people-pleasing and why this doesn’t make for healthy relationships. Follow Dr. Harwick on... Facebook  Instagram This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts. 

The brilliant Dr. Jessica Shepherd (@JShepherd_MD) joins Jess to talk about vaginal health and answer a few sexual health questions from listeners. If you have questions you’d like us to answer, send them our way! We love to hear from you. Follow Dr. Shepherd on... Twitter Facebook Instagram  This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts. 

Jess’ husband Brandon joins her to talk about their fights -- the good, the bad and the ugly. Fighting with your partner is not a sign that your relationship is doomed. In fact, the happiest couples fight and there are benefits to fighting: Smaller fights may help to stave off bigger conflicts in the long run Fighting helps us to adjust our behaviour in order to have more productive and loving interactions moving forward Fighting with positive resolutions can lead to greater relationship satisfaction as you become more honest, relieve relationship tension and communicate your needs and expectation. Healthy fighting might involve: Active listening and an attempt to understand your partner’s perspective; rather than waiting for them to finish so the you can respond, listen to what they’re saying and take a breath (with a “hmmm”) after everything they say. Positive interactions even when you disagree (e.g. letting your partner know that you love them and want to resolve the issue, physical affection, contemplation before responding, an attempt to make up after); the most important time to be loving and affectionate is when things are tense. Even when you’re mad or frustrated, if you can reach out and let them know that you care (e.g. put your hand on theirs), you’ll find that your fights are less intense and more resolvable. Writing down your concerns, fears and expectations and sharing them openly with your partner; some people advise against arguing via text as it lacks tone and nuance, but I see many couples who resolve issues while typing. It might be a generational issue (younger folks are more accustomed to communicating and expressing themselves via text), but I see a number of benefits including the ability to reread what you’ve written and communicate emotions using emojis. An opportunity for both parties to speak and listen; Acknowledging your role in the conflict first. We have a tendency to blame others first (it’s a near-universal defence mechanism), but those who fight fairly take a moment to reflect on what they did to contribute to the current conflict or disagreement. Mea culpa is a powerful conflict resolution approach. A desire to reach resolution and improve understanding as opposed to a desire to win an argument. If you want to be right, you don’t really want to resolve the conflict. There isn’t always a right and wrong and if you’re stuck in this mindset, you’ll likely find that your fights result in lingering tension as opposed to improved understanding. Specific action items: at the end of an argument, do you identify what you can do differently moving forward? Specific behavioural changes can improve your relationship and help you become a better person/partner. Unhealthy fighting might involve: The same topics over and over with little behavioural and/or attitudinal change to follow Attempts to “win” an argument as opposed to bids to improve understanding Snide or underhanded remarks; muttering under your breath Conversation-killing statements like “I guess I should just leave. You’d be happier without me.” Or, “Stop acting crazy!” These types of statements don’t move the conversation along and they’re certainly not underpinned by love. Healthy fights allow you to relieve tension with the goal of improving your relationship and deepening the loving connection. If you’re ready to improve and invest in your relationship check out our online learning courses here. You can learn to be a better communicator, get more of what you want and maintain the spark for years to come.

Kissing is more than a means to an end! If you want to take your kissing game to the next level, listen to this quickie episode and try out some of Jess’ favourite techniques tonight. This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.  Partial Podcast Transcript Below: Kissing is apparently not a natural act - meaning that it hasn’t existed since the beginning of human time. I know that it seems to us that it’s a totally innate behaviour, historians and evolutionary researches suggest that it actually emerged from maternal feeding routines. In fact, many cultures have prospered without locking lips which serves as a reminder that kissing is an erotic art as opposed to a reproductive imperative. From a scientific perspective — even though it’s not innate — it’s likely that kissing may have been found to find its way into the mating game eventually. Not only does locking lips result in a flurry of feel-good hormones that promote relaxation and bonding, but from an evolutionary perspective, kissing may help us to gauge compatibility and other attributes of potential mates through our olfactory system. One study revealed that women prefer men whose scents contain immune genes (histocompatibility complex) that are different than their own. Scientists believe that this instinctive desire for genetic difference serves the evolutionary function of ensuring stronger offspring. Accordingly, the degree of chemistry you experience when you first kiss, may be an indicator of compatibility measured by your nose as opposed to your mouth or other body parts. Kissing also involves the swapping of saliva, which contains testosterone, and this hormone is associated with libido. In conjunction with other research suggesting that men are more likely than women to seek and initiate deep tongue kissing, this may explain some of the gender differences in perceptions of kissing: while men tend to utilize making out as a means to an end (sex), women view kissing as a barometer with which to gauge their lover’s commitment and monitor their relationship status. However you view it, smooching plays a prominent role in seduction, romantic attachment, and sexual arousal. Unfortunately, in long-term relationships, we often stop kissing or push passionate kissing aside in favor of other forms of foreplay.  And while there is no universal hierarchy of sex acts, research suggests that kissing is not only good for your health but also promotes happier relationships. In one study, conducted by behavioral scientist Kerry Floyd, couples who were instructed to kiss more often reported fewer fights, greater relationship satisfaction, less stress and lower cholesterol in comparison to couples who received no instruction with regard to kissing. In addition to lowering cortisol levels (which reduces stress), kissing has also been linked with improvements to the parasympathetic nervous system, which is essential to sexual response. Despite the mounting evidence that locking lips is good for you and your love life, mastering the art of kissing and keeping things fresh can be a challenge. So read through the following suggestions and techniques to learn a few new tricks designed to keep you happy, healthy and very much in love for years to come... The Soft-Lipped Kiss Some people believe that the world is divided into two types of kissers: soft-lipped and firm-lipped. But the reality is that our sexual style varies according to our mood just as our appetite changes from day to day. If your lover seeks romance and often needs help relaxing to get in the mood, slide your lips gently against theirs with only feather-light contact. Take your time and gently pucker their lower lip between yours allowing your gentle breathing to slow their breath rate and send their body into a state of deep relaxation. Lip Lining

Do you want more PASSION in your relationship? How about in the bedroom? Who doesn't? Jess has some very specific tips for you. First, she breaks down the science (it’s simple & essential to understand the chemistry of love first) and then she shares some of her favourite tips for (re)igniting the spark. For more info, check out these handouts!    

I’m excited about this one! Last week I caught up with my friend, former co-worker, super mom, loving wife and Real Housewives of Toronto cast member, Grego Minot. We discuss the secret to a happy relationship and she dishes on love, passion and her new reality as a “real housewife”. Her hubby (and my former boss) Pierre Jutras also drops in for a surprise chat. Follow Grego on... Instagram  Twitter Facebook

This week, Jess is joined by Rachel Gelman, a pelvic floor physical therapist from San Francisco. Rachel shares her unique insight on pelvic floor health, sexual pain and the fact that Kegels are overprescribed. Tune in to find out if you should be doing Kegels. Follow Rachel on Instagram here or on her website. This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts. 

Sex-bots are coming and the future is rather exciting! This week, Neil McArthur, The Director of the Centre for Applied Ethics from the University of Manitoba, joins us to discuss his research with sex robots. He shares his insights on the ethics of “using” sex robots and their potential benefits from a compassionate perspective. Pre-order Neil's book on Amazon today! This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts. 

In this week’s quickie episode, Jess describes how understanding your “Core Erotic Feeling” can improve your sex life. Whether you’re turned on by love, tenderness, humiliation or compliments, training your partner to evoke your core erotic feeling is key to a fulfilling sex life! Podcast Transcript: It’s not a trick at all. It’s a straightforward exercise you can do on your own and with your partner (if you have one) that really will revolutionize your sex life. It involves learning to understand your core erotic feeling (CEF). Your core erotic feeling is the feeling that you most strongly associated with sexual desire, arousal, pleasure, and fulfillment. To help identify your CEF, answer this simple question: how do you need to feel in order to enjoy sex? Do you need to feel loved? Relaxed? Appreciated? De-stressed? Desired? Sexy? Challenged? Threatened? Jealous? Subjugated? Powerful? Surprised? This list is obviously non-exhaustive. Your core erotic feeling is so intrinsically tied to your erotic script that you may not be able to imagine that someone else feels differently. It’s much like a Love Language. Some of you may feel as though you don’t need to feel any particular emotion in order to get in the mood for sex — you’re always in the mood. Well good for you! But you still have a core erotic feeling — the feeling that most intensifies your sexual pleasure. You may want to answer the question: When I think of my hottest, most intense sexual experience(s), how did I feel? Once you’ve identified your CEF, you need to identify how to cultivate this feeling. What does it take help you to feel relaxed, for example? And then you need to communicate both your CEF and how to make you experience it to your partner so that they can be a part of the cultivation process. Your core erotic feeling may be the experience of feeling desired. But conveying your CEF to your partner requires a bit more specificity. You might say, “Honey, I’ve figured it out! I need you to make me feel desired in order to really want and enjoy sex.” Your partner might believe they understand you, but their idea of helping you to feel desired might be different than your own. You might want them to look you up and down. Admire your every curve. Tell you that you’re irresistible. Whereas they might believe that making you feel desired involves grabbing your boobs like a couple of bags of sand. I’m exaggerating, but you can easily see the disconnect. So in addition to identifying your CEF, you also need to specifically outline to your partner how they can evoke this feeling. But remember, it’s not your partner’s job alone to activate your CEF. You play an even bigger role. You have to make yourself feel this way too! If you’re CEF involves feeling sexy and desired, but you spend all day complaining about your body, you can’t expect your partner to undo all that damage. Your CEF can change over time, but it doesn’t tend to change from day-to-day. I’ll share my partner’s story to illustrate how your CEF may change: When I met my partner, I quickly learned that feeling relaxed was key to his sexual desire and enjoyment. He needed to wind down and destress before sex was a possibility. We fell into a groove in which he made lifestyle adjustments to promote his own relaxation and I did what I could to help him de-stress. But five years into our (now 16-year) relationship, everything changed… In 2006, we visited a nude couples resort for the fist time. It was a highly erotic environment and everyone was very friendly. And though only half of the guests were in consensually non-mon...

This week, Jess speaks to her friend and former head of programming for Playboy TV, Wendy Miller. Listen to the pair reminisce about their days on set with Playboy TV, and many other shenanigans! This is one of Jess’ favourite interviews to date and not just because of all the talk of wine, gin and tonics, biting and strap-ons. Be sure to listen all the way to the end, as Wendy shares her story about overcoming body image issues as a ‘normal’ woman working in a world of Playboy bunnies. This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts. 

This week’s episode is a wet one! Jess shares the science of G-Spots & squirting along with techniques you can try tonight. She answers common questions including: Can all women squirt? Is the G-Spot a real thing? Is female ejaculate pee? How can I get my partner to squirt? What is the Vagus nerve? If you’d rather read about the G-Spot and Squirting, check out some summary notes from The New Sex Bible below: The G-Spot This sensitive area accessible through the upper wall of the vagina (toward the stomach) has enjoyed its share of controversy over the years. Dr. Beverly Whipple named the G-Spot after Dr. Ernst Grafenberg, M.D., who previously described it as a “distinct erotogenic zone” on the anterior vaginal wall along the urethra that responds to sexual stimulation. The G-Spot is an area marked by many sensitive nerve pathways, tissues and organs, but it is not a distinct entity, nor is it located inside of the vagina; Dr. Whipple clarifies that it can be felt through the vagina and when stimulated, the tissue begins to swell. As opposed to being a singular organ, it is believed that its sensitivity is connected to corollary stimulation of the female prostate (previously referred to as Skene’s glands), urethral sponge and inner clitoris. Remember that the G-Spot isn’t a distinct organ, but an area of the body that is associated with the release of fluids. Each woman’s experience with the G-Spot is unique and the degree of pleasure associated with this sensitive area can vary according to a number of factors including arousal levels and monthly cycle. I’ve heard women describe G-Spot stimulation as irritating, weird, neutral, tickling, euphoric, sensational and unbelievably titillating. The bottom line is that there is no right way to experience pleasure and no two bodies respond in the exact same way. Sex Tip From The Pros Though squirting isn’t a sideshow trick and not every woman will experience the same degree of ejaculation, you can encourage fluid expulsion by bearing down with your PC muscles. As you approach orgasm, take a few deep breaths as you “push out” with the muscles around your vagina. Relax and allow your body to respond naturally resting assured that the amount of liquid is not necessarily commensurate with your experience of pleasure. There seems to be a great deal of misinformation floating around about female ejaculation, but the expulsion of fluid from the urethra is a fairly well-documented phenomenon. Not only do early sexual texts including the Kama Sutra reference women’s ability to expel fluid during sex, but the latest research reveals that the skene’s glands, which are a part of the G-Spot and drain into the urethra, are homologous to the prostate gland in men. G-Spot ejaculation, like prostate ejaculation, is a sexually-induced reaction that may or may not coincide with orgasm. Mainstream porn may tout this “spraying” sensation as some sort of a sideshow trick, but in reality, the fluid expelled is usually less than a teaspoon in volume and doesn’t usually squirt across the room. Some women and their lovers are concerned that the fluid they discharge is urine, however, studies confirm that its contents are similar to male prostatic fluid. It has been found to contain prostatic-specific antigen, prostatic acid phosphatase, urea, creatinine, glucose and fructose. Some describe it as sweet tasting and others say that the taste is rather subdued. The concern with regard to urinating during sex can sometimes inhibit our sexual response and limit women’s experiences of pleasure with the G-Spot and ejaculation. The skene’s glands are embedded in the spongey tissue that surrounds the urethra between the vagina and the bladder. It is therefore common for women to feel as though they have to pee when the G-Spot is stimulated through the vagina or the abdominal wall.