The Marriage Podcast for Smart People

This is a big question. Are you lonely in your marriage? That is not a fun place to be, but there is good news – growing your intimacy can expel loneliness from your marriage and stop it from creeping back in. There is a bit of a chain reaction when it comes to loneliness in marriage. It’s clear from the research that we’ll look at in a bit that loneliness can arise from a lack of intimacy. Loneliness and intimacy are affected in turn by the quality of communication and emotion skills in the marriage. If we can build up these two skill sets, then your marriage will see more intimacy. If there is more intimacy, obviously we’re going to help stave off those feelings of loneliness. The Problem of Loneliness in Marriage Loneliness is not as uncommon as you might think. Ironically, if you’re out there feeling lonely, you have company! Caleb and I have even had times of this in our own relationship despite having a marriage that we enjoy very much. Research reveals that individuals in intimate relationships often feel lonely because the level of intimacy in the relationship is not meeting their desires or expectations.[i] That is why we’ll look at intimacy as well as loneliness in this post. So, how many people are experiencing loneliness in their marriage? A study from 2009 found that between 1 in 4 and 1 in 5 experienced moderate to strong emotional or social loneliness.[ii] That’s sad. That is a high number. Given that loneliness appears to affect the quality of our intimate relationships,[iii] we have a vicious cycle going on. Loneliness affects relationship quality which makes us lonely which affects our relationship quality which makes us lonely… What Causes Loneliness in Marriage? Many factors can contribute to loneliness in marriage, but two major ones we look at today are communication and emotional skillfulness. A lack of these two things will significantly contribute to loneliness. Researchers, in 2009, looked at married couples and compared the extent of their loneliness to the functioning and quality of their marriages. They found that stronger emotional and social loneliness was found in those who did not receive emotional support from a spouse and who did not have frequent conversations with their spouse.[iv] A second article found that married folk who were lonely displayed fewer positive behaviours than non-lonely individuals. Lonely marriages displayed: * Fewer positive attempts to make interactions pleasant * Less openness, including fewer direct conversations, less advice, and less listening to one another. * Fewer assurances * Fewer social networks and relied less on friends and family * Fewer shared tasks such as performing routine chores together. All this research just shows why it is particularly helpful to focus in on these two areas of communication and emotion skills. And more good news – learning skills is something that anyone can do. It’s something you can add to your marriage and something new that you can bring to your relationship to strengthen it and help move yourselves away from loneliness and toward intimacy. Let’s talk about building intimacy first by learning emotion skills and second by learning communication skills. Building Intimacy Through Emotion Skills A group of three researchers wanted to specifically test the theory that emotional skillfulness affects the intimacy process in relationships. In other words, they wanted to see how being good at handling emotions impacted marital satisfaction. They found that: * There was a link between the ability to identify/communicate emotions and marital adjustment. (Marital adjustment in this context means how well the spouses are connect...

It’s not rocket science to know that rejecting your spouse is a really, really painful thing to do. But, think about the opposite for a moment: if I asked you to sit down and list the things you do regularly to communicate your unconditional acceptance of your spouse: how long would that list be?   First though, let’s start with the opposite of acceptance – rejection. I think it is clear to everyone that it hurts to be rejected, but it is worth noting how sever that impact is in marriage. A study from 2013 looked at the psychological adjustment of individuals who had grown up experiencing rejection from their parent and then were rejected by their spouse. As a side note here; this is something we should be aware of. We tend to choose a spouse who will continue to treat us the same way our parents did: either for good or bad, or more typically, for a mixture of those. We’re comfortable with the familiar and so unless we experience some personal growth between receiving caregiving from our parents and entering into marriage, we tend to perpetuate generational problems. These researchers found that:[i] * 72% of men and 68% of women who received acceptance from both their parents and their intimate partner were psychologically healthy and adjusted. * On the other hand, 71% of men and 60% of women who experienced rejection from both their parents and their intimate partner showed serious psychological maladjustment. (Psychological maladjustment meaning that they showed high levels of hostility and aggression, overdependence, negative self-esteem and self-adequacy, were emotionally unresponsive, emotionally instable, and had a negative worldview). We don’t tell you this to make you feel messed up – just to point out that rejection is a very sever experience with very real, very detrimental impact. The scary thing is, we do this to each other all the time in marriage. Every time your spouse makes a bid to connect with you and you decline – that’s a rejection. It might be tiny, it might be big. Everything from declining a bid or proposition for sex that night to ending a hug a little early to an invitation to converse that just elicits a grunt. We think of rejection as a spouse with a suitcase leaving a note behind on the bed – that’s the most severe, dramatic type, but what about those times when your spouse is trying to talk to you and you’re like “…Huh? Hang on, I’m on my phone.” A thousand minute rejections like this compound to the severity of the one major walk-out kind of abandonment. It is really important to stop and consider the way we think about rejection because most of us intend to be (or want to be) loving, kind, engaged spouses. But… we also drop the ball a lot and may not fully grasp the cumulative severity of this. Let’s look at the positive side now and talk about acceptance. The Important of Acceptance The first thing to look at is unconditional regard which is one form of acceptance. Unconditional regard is the basic acceptance and support of a person regardless of what they say or do. In Christian language this is brotherly love coupled with the effort of separating the sinner from the sin. (Carl Rogers originally birthed the idea of unconditional positive regard – not sure if he’d agree with Caleb’s Christianized definition, but it works for us!) A study looked at college students in romantic relationships – I’m presuming most were unmarried but I think the principles apple to marriage. Here’s what he found[ii]: * Negative conflict acts as a mediator between unconditional regard and relationship satisfaction by the effect is has on unconditional regard * Negative conflict may lower the extend to which an individual feels accepted or understood by hi or her partner which then has an influence on rel...

There are some things you can do without in marriage – and still have a pretty good marriage. Commitment is NOT one of those things. It is foundational. If you don’t have it, your marriage is toast. But, the good news is, even if you don’t have it right now, you can choose to be committed today and start building this essential piece into your marriage.   There is a lot of content out there about marriage. A lot of people are talking about a diversity of things in the world of marriage. Some of it is helpful. But I want you to think of commitment like one of the crown jewels. You need to protect it, preserve it, and give it special attention. Commitment is one of the core areas at the heart of a healthy, lasting, thriving marriage. What is Marital Commitment? Think of words like loyalty, faithfulness, dedication, maybe even focus or integrity. In the research there are a variety of definitions that range from vague (“having a long term orientation toward the relationships”[i]) to specific (personal: wanting to stay married, moral: feeling morally obligated to stay married, and structural: feeling constrained to stay married[ii]). Perhaps you are a little cynical about commitment due to your circumstances or history or even the experience of your parent’s marriage, and think it is overrated. You prefer your freedom to being tied to another person. Ironically, a study in 2002 showed that couples with higher levels of commitment felt less trapped and were more satisfied with their relationships. Higher commitment creates more freedom and more satisfaction. We have jokes and comments in our society about the “ball and chain” of marriage and how a man is trapped once he’s been to the altar, but this is not the reality. The experience of highly-committed couples is one of greater satisfaction and even a greater sense of freedom because they have that secure base in their marriage. So the question to ask your self is how committed are you, right now, to your spouse? The Consequences of Abandonment The opposite of commitment could be abandonment. This often happens through divorce or infidelity. How Divorce Affects Spouses and Children Divorce in particular is especially devastating. We have a textbook in our office written for marriage therapists that states emphatically that we just need to get over divorce being a big deal and we need to just accept it as a normal transition in our culture. That is total garbage! The reality is that divorce is devastating. Here’s what the research says about divorce: * Divorced individuals are unhappier, have more psychological distress and have poorer self-concepts. * Divorced individuals have more problems with their health and greater mortality risk. * Divorce can lead to greater levels of depression and alcohol use. * Children of divorced families struggle in school, have more conduct issues, struggle in social situations, and have lower self-concepts.[iii] There is also a generational impact from abandonment and low marital commitment. Another study by the same researcher found that marital instability is transmitted across generations because children see the weak commitment of their parents, which becomes the norm to them. So, when they consider their own marriages this is their native paradigm. In their study they found that children who had divorced parents had double the likelihood of their own marriage ending in divorce. In looking at this, the reason given for this elevated risk of divorce was because they “hold a comparatively weak commitment to the norm of life long marriage.”[iv] Serious stuff. How Infidelity Affects Commitment The obvious point from the research on this one...

This is the second part of a topic that’s pretty common and can be pretty difficult for a lot of couples. It’s really just the idea that the wife is running the marriage and family and the husband is the breadwinner but not really engaged or involved as much as they would like him to be. We’re assuming you want to change that.   Last week we looked at the wife’s role in this scenario. Today we are challenging the men. Before you get defensive, husband, know that we realize what a horrible place it is to feel disempowered or marginalized or even kind of useless. If you want to lead, to be involved and engaged, then this is for you, even though it may be tough to hear. Does Your Involvement As A Husband Matter? Yes. That’s the short answer. Yes. Even if your wife wants to do everything and run the family and the marriage, the research says this is not beneficial to her or to the family. Your involvement will help both your wife and your family to function better. Housework Let’s look at housework for a moment: when husbands are involved in housework, their wives have less psychological stress, feel more satisfied with their marriages and are overall happier.[i] These results were found in a study that compared the well-being of wives whose husbands were highly involved in housework with wives whose husbands were minimally involved in housework. It found that “wives whose husbands were minimally involved were 1.60 times more likely to be distressed, 2.96 times more likely to be uncomfortable with their husbands, and 2.69 times more likely to be unhappy.[ii] Parenting An article compiling the research from hundreds of articles, looked for the benefits of father involvement. Here are a few things they found:[iii] * Academic Benefits: School aged children of involved fathers are better academic achievers. They are more likely to get A’s, have higher grade point averages, get better achievement test scores, receive superior grades, perform a year above their expected age level of academic tests, obtain higher scores on reading achievement, or learn more and perform better in school. * Emotional Benefits and General Wellbeing: When fathers are involved, their children are less depressed, have fewer conduct problems, less emotional distress and negative emotions such as fear and guilt. * Social wellbeing: Children with involved father have more positive friendships with less aggression and conflict and more generosity. * Parenting Relationship: There is a positive correlation between marital quality and levels of father involvement in child care, the quality of the father-child relationship, the father’s satisfaction with his role as a parent, and the father’s competence as a parent. I’m sure we could keep going on this idea that involved fathers and husbands makes for a better family and marriage. So we would encourage you, even if your wife has explicitly communicated she doesn’t want you involved, to challenge her on it. Maybe you’ve only assumed her desire from some non-verbal communication or misinterpreted some Womanspeak. It’s going to be a difficult conversation but you can find some help with it in Episode 55: How to Disagree Without Sinking Your Love Boat. The next question then, is how can a husband get more involved if his wife is taking control and pushing him out? How To Get Your Pants Back Before we actually get to the “how-to’s”, let’s look at some psychology. There is an area of research called Identity Theory. Identity Theory says that individuals seek to verify their identity – the person they see themselves to be – by controlling the situations around them so that th...

Are you sick and tired of having to do everything? And your husband just doesn’t carry the load? And – on top of that – when you try to talk about it, you guys just end up fighting! No fun, hey?   Sometimes we even hear wives describe their husband as another one of the kids she has to take care of. That’s really sad. It is also understandable given that some husbands are completely disengaged in relation to domestic duties. We learned this week though, that everything may not seem as it first appears… What spawned this topic was a conversation Caleb had one day with a disengaged husband. After digging a bit, Caleb found out that when their first child arrived, his wife kind of parked him to one side and he felt that she said, “You don’t know what you’re doing, I’ll take it from here”. He bought into that, and chose to go along with it. So, we’re going to speak to both wives and husbands because we believe it takes two to tango. We’ll try to keep it fair. Wives, this post is for you, and husbands, your turn is coming next… We’re hoping that these articles will promote some useful conversations between you and your spouse so that you can restore a healthy balance, both feel engaged and involved and together as a couple and as parents, and both feel like you are contributing in your marriage. Why Is He Not Engaged? Here are some observations from a study in 2008 entitled “Withdrawal from Coparenting Interactions During Early Infancy”.[i] They found that if the husband is invested in the status quo and a child shows up he may well withdraw in order to avoid change. Additionally, they found that first-time mothers who were unhappy with the division of childcare labour escalated their demands (along with their stress!) resulting in more pronounced demand-withdrawal patterns in the marriage. This demand-withdraw pattern is a classic, common pattern. To sum it up, the more a wife demands, the more the husband pulls back (or the more a husband demands, the more the wife pulls back). What is ironic is that they both are acting in their respective ways to save the marriage. She wants to be close to him so pursues, he doesn’t want to get into an argument so withdraws, and the cycle keeps on going. The study also found that new fathers often feel excluded by the developing mother-infant bond. Some men respond by pressing their wives for more time, others channel their energies into the baby, while others progressively distance themselves from the mother-baby dyad. But what kind of men pulled back or withdrew? Fathers who withdrew were less ego resilient (not open-minded or perceptive, not interested in understanding why others behave as they do and not open to viewpoints other than their own), and more likely to be in a marriage that was already showing distress signs before the baby arrived. These men also felt less respected as a parent by their wives which leads us to the subject of maternal gatekeeping. Maternal Gatekeeping Maternal gatekeeping is a phrase that refers to the beliefs and behaviour that a mom shows to discourage or restrict father involvement in childcare.[ii] Given that research has shown that greater father involvement in children’s lives has been found to be associated with benefits for parents and children alike (more about this next week), this sense of maternal gatekeeping seems to be unhelpful. Generally, the more domestic demands you place on a father and the more his ability to respond, the more he will contribute to childcare. Maternal gatekeeping undoes this because in an effort to maintain primacy (take first place) as mother, the wife ends up monitoring and restricting their husbands level and type of involvement in childcare. This is more common among working-class employed mothers who are caught between gender role ideologies and...

If you’re living with another human being in this wonderful institution called marriage, then there is a good chance that at some point in your experience as a couple, your spouse is going to experience anxiety. I’ve seen this over and over and believe me, some couples handle it much better than others. Here are some how-to’s and how-not-to’s.   This topic was actually spawned by a conversation Caleb had some time ago with a frustrated husband. We’ll call him John. John’s wife was really struggling with anxiety and he was trying to fix it. (Trying to fix anxiety is about as effective as calming a puppy down by playing with it – and it’s a lot less fun!) He was bitter and frustrated and fed up. He was still in love and still committed, just really struggling with it all, so Caleb asked him to do something. He asked John to reach way down inside himself and see if he could find compassion, then to act out of that place of compassion. John decided to give it a try and their marriage turned a corner that day. There were still moments of anxiety and frustration, but when Caleb checked in with John some time later, him and his wife were together. And not just together as in they stayed married, but they were together in the middle of her struggles. That’s a precious thing. That true-life story is a bit of a spoiler for where we’re going here, but this is where we need to start. If your spouse experiences anxiety, you cannot reason it out. You cannot talk him or her off that ledge through reason, persuasion, manipulation, threats, or anything like that. The battle with anxiety is never won as long as you think you’re in a battle. The biggest blessing you can give a spouse who struggles with anxiety is the gift of compassion. This will help you yourself also as it is way easier to be compassionate towards an anxious person than it is to fight their anxiety. Fighting anxiety never works. Only compassion will effectively uproot anxiety. But let me give you an example of what compassion is not. I was observing a couple (let’s call them Bob and Betty) at a ferry terminal one time. They were obviously dating. She had just missed a ferry, and the next boat wouldn’t leave for another two hours. Because of this, she would miss her night shift at the hospital. At this point Betty was becoming quite distressed about the situation, and dear Bob was trying to help. Unfortunately, he had missed the “com” part of compassion, and was just trying to use passion to ease the situation. For every statement Betty would make, Bob would just respond, “I love you Betty” and try to hug and kiss her. Well, I’m sorry, Bob, but that was not helping! Betty was becoming more and more frantic, pushing Bob away and trying to avoid him. Obviously Bob loved Betty, but it didn’t look to her (or me!) that he cared about what she was going through in the moment. Compassion means that you acknowledge and understand what the anxious person is going through. It does not mean that you ignore their feelings. Can you imagine? “I missed the ferry, what am I going to do?” “I love you, Betty” Kiss kiss “Oh good, I was worried about your love when the ferry left without me… Now I can’t get to work. I need this shift so bad so that I can make the car payment this month.” “It’s ok. I love you, Betty” “Phew, I’m glad your love will make me enough money to pay the bank… What am I going to do?” “I love you, Betty. Let’s make out.” “Ok, obviously your love solves every dilemma. Let’s get married” – NOT! There is a difference between supporting your spouse with compassion and ignoring your spouse’s needs while showing passion. You need to love. You need to provide a safe, committed, secure relationship.  That safe place is going to be the anchor that your spouse needs to get through this hard time. What is Anxiety?

Perhaps you’ve never gone through an affair in your marriage. Or perhaps you have. Have you ever felt the gut wrenching kick to your heart, or spent sleepless nights wondering where he is or what he’s doing? Or maybe you’re completely numb and not feeling anything anymore… There is nothing quite like the pain of betrayal. But life doesn’t end there. Even if it feels like it should. So how do you move on? Slowly and carefully and painfully and deeply. I would really recommend that if something this major happens to your marriage that you seek professional help from a therapist. But, I also know that life happens and sometimes therapy is not an option, so here are some ideas that I pray will give you some help and hope. I hope this will help even if you’ve never experienced the bombshell of discovering an affair, because at some level we have all experienced some kind of betrayal in our relationship – even just at the level of our spouse letting us down on some issue that is not at all adulterous. So translate the word ‘betrayal’ for ‘affair’ if that suits your situation better. Also, translate ‘him’ for ‘her’ (or ‘wife’ for ‘husband’) if that reflects your world too, because I know that it’s not only men that betray – I’m female, so I’ll be  writing from my gender’s point of view. If you’ve been betrayed with an affair, it is your choice what you want to do with your marriage. Your husband has broken his marriage vows. For now, I’m going to assume that you both want to recover your marriage and create a stronger, better future relationship. And have hope, because often the “post-affair” marriage is sweeter and stronger and closer than the marriage ever was before! If this is you – you’ve been hurt so severely, but want to recover your marriage – there are three stages that you’ll need to go through.[i] Stage 1: The Emotional Impact of the Affair The emotional impact of an affair is absolutely devastating. Give yourself permission to feel the feelings that come up. Don’t try to stuff them or cover them up. You have every right to feel what you’re feeling. Try to identify what you’re feeling and even where you’re feeling it so you can communicate what you feel to your spouse. Again, get professional help if you can, to help you work through the impact of your situation. Another factor at this stage – more practical than emotional, is if you both want to work through what has happened in your marriage, then the affair relationship must stop! Husband – this may mean grieving the loss of that relationship (but don’t expect much empathy here…) and then taking steps to ensure it does NOT start again. Let your extramarital partner know that you are committed to working on your marriage and to do that you must END the relationship and have no further contact. But back to feelings. As a couple, one of the first things you’ll be dealing with is the overwhelming feelings generated by the affair. They’re going to be intense. There’s going to be anger and betrayal and shock and hopelessness. It’s going to feel like a black hole that you can’t get out of. Try to express these feelings to your husband. Let him know how his actions made you feel. He caused it, he deserves to know about it. Now, this is not the time to have a screaming rant at your husband. It’s a lot easier for him to embrace a wounded woman who has been hurt beyond imagination than a woman attacking him. You need to express these feelings in a way he can accept them, and then he needs to acknowledge and validate them. Husband – this is NOT the time to be defensive or to minimize. Hear how your wife really feels and support her in those feelings. These discussions need to be limited to finite periods of time that you purposefully set aside – a continual hashing and rehashing is not usef...

It is a well-researched fact that having a baby usually has a negative impact on your marital satisfaction. Let’s look at the whole early parenting thing and draw out some important lessons for married couples who are parents or about to become parents. As you transition into parenthood, you’ll want to have some pretty specific parenting and marriages strategies to make sure that mom, babe, and dad are all taken care of because babies make for busy lives! They take a lot of time. But there is some good news here. Studies show that as demands on our time have increased over the past 40 years, generally speaking, most couples have decreased their involvement in paid employment so that they can keep up with time spent with their spouse and children.[i] We think this is great! That shows good values are at work. It also speaks to those of you considering having children that this is something you’ll be challenged with as well so be prepared for that. Most couples are adding time into their weekdays by reducing the number of hours they work. Weekends are a little different story. Most couples end up paying a social and personal cost for maintaining their levels of spousal time. If you’re married with kids you’re probably spending less time with friends and extended family on weekends. Again, this is reasonable. It is so great to see that in contemporary marriages spousal companionship is important and people are prioritizing it. However, we would urge you not to become too isolated from your social networks. There needs to be a balance. So, that’s parenting and marriage in terms of time management. Some ideas there for you if you need a change. Now in terms of your marriage itself and how you’re relating to each other – you need to stay connected as a couple. As we’ve already established in other episodes, having kids does put a dent in your marital satisfaction, so this is something we all need to work at. A study by some major marriage researchers looked at couples’ marital friendship at the start of their marriage versus the decline over the transition to parenthood.[ii] They followed these newlywed couples for 6 years and compared the new parents to a control group who remained childless over that time. Here is what helped mothers to have stable or increasing marital satisfaction: * The husband’s expression of fondness toward her. The more warmth he puts in, the more satisfied she feels. * The husband’s high awareness for her and their relationship. This really ties to the first one. If he is more aware of the stress she is experiencing and responds with more fondness: this is a huge help. It goes the other way too – if she is aware of his efforts to be supportive and loving, she is way more satisfied in her marriage. * Her awareness for her husband and their relationship. Not only can husbands help by being aware and acting out of that in a generous way but she also needs to be alert enough to acknowledge, receive and even reciprocate this. What about the other side? What predicts a decline in marital satisfaction of mothers? * The husband’s negativity towards her wife. Corrosive. * The husband’s disappointment in the marriage. Also corrosive. * The husband or wife describing their lives as chaotic. Chaos as a feeling comes from the sense that there are changes in their lives that are out of control. This adds a lot of stress to a major life transition. So, how does this transition work then? In 2006, some researchers looked at the quality of the intimate relationship six months after delivery.[iii] They uncovered four factors that were influential. The first relates to this whole subject of transition to pare...

We had this idea that we were trying to figure out. If you get really fanatical about church and ministry, does that form a point for your marriage to rally around? Or does that investment come at the expense of your marriage? This is, in part, prompted by the observation that a lot of highly involved spiritual leaders end up with failed marriages. We don’t want to get into the whole issue of fallen pastors and spiritual leaders and the psychology behind that, although that is a very interesting – and tragic – topic, but today want to bring this into our lives. All of us are vulnerable to going crazy about church or some ministry or even a hobby together. As we build the meaning of our relationship around the intensity of our activity and involvement in spiritual works, we have to ask the question: Is this a good thing? This is where it gets tricky! How could you say, “No, it’s not good to be that involved at church or in Missions work or whatever”? It seems sacrilegious. On the other hand, we do know that when we get very, very busy our marriage doesn’t feel better, it feels worse. So we need to look at what is going on and what the right balance is for us, so that we can, as a couple, engage in ministry that is meaningful but do so without sacrificing our marriage. Remember the Biblical principle found in the instructions of Samuel when he said, “To obey is better than sacrifice” (1 Samuel 15:22). This reminds us that it is better to obey the command as husbands to love our wives than it is to sacrifice our relationship to our wives. It’s ironic how we can talk ourselves into something, like it’s noble of us to sacrifice marriage and family in the name of God and for expanding his kingdom – but it is actually disobedience! This is in no way a voice of criticism here for those who are seriously committed to serving God. Each marriage has a different tolerance for time apart vs together, the amount of activity vs together time, etc. It’s a unique balance for each couple, but the principle of obedience being better than sacrifice is one we all need to consider and reflect on. Before we start looking into the research, let’s define a few terms. Religiosity: a word to characterize the activity or busyness or works of faith. Sacredness: a word meaning the process of assigning divine character or sacred significance to something. The “sacredness of marriage” is about the idea of Divine involvement/approval/blessing on marriage. Here’s what the research shows. General religiosity has a very weak link with marital outcomes. In other words, being busy with ministry does not add to your marriage. On the other hand, sacredness strongly predicts desirable marital outcomes. “Spouses who regard their unions as sacred and who sense God’s presence in their relationships tend to report more good feelings and fewer negative emotions towards their partners”.[i] Spouses who value sacredness also generally use more collaborative problem solving and have less tendency towards aggression or stalemates in disputes. There are also more bonding experiences: everything from shared leisure, activities and conversation to a more rewarding sex life. Fundamentally, sacredness also predicts the degree of commitment in the marriage. We conclude from this study that the meaning we give to our marriage and the meaning that we ground our concept of togetherness on is more important than activities that we might base our marriage on. Sacredness trumps religiosity. We’re not saying you shouldn’t go to church or be involved in serving God through various ministries. What we are seeing from the research is that there is no benefit to your marriage to place more value on these activities than on the sacredness of your marriage. A second study from 2013 found very similar conclusions.

Do you ever NOT deal with something between you and your spouse, hoping it will just blow over or that it’s a passing issue? And perhaps life does sail smoothly for a while and then later, BOOM, it comes backs to bite you!? Making it a principle in your marriage to talk about issues sooner rather than later will save you a lot of headache. For example, it is my nature to procrastinate (or avoid) dealing with issues and just hope they’ll blow over or go away. Unfortunately, it never seems to work that way, and instead, all these minor issues collect behind a temporary dam. Whenever I react with WAY TOO MUCH emotion over something small (that’s the dam bursting), it’s a good indication to me that I haven’t been dealing with the issues as they arrive. So, what I want to know is, WHY DO WE HOLD BACK? As usual, let’s look at the research: A study was done in 2004 which looked at decisions to withhold complaints in marriage. It points out that even in satisfying relationship there are almost daily relational irritations. (We’re normal, Yay!) Even though the couple may uphold the principles of open and direct communication, the spouses frequently hold back on addressing the irritations. This study then looked at how these complaints related to power in the relationship. It turns out that the person who complains the least holds the least power because they’re withholding in order to avoid negative consequences. A spouse who values his/her relationship is more likely to encourage the expression of complaints to their spouse.[i] Learning that blew my theories out the window. I always thought that it was the “strong one” who would let things go, or suck-it-up. Turns out I was wrong… Another thing that affected whether a spouse would bring up irritations, was the type of relationship. In a relationship with more independent spouses, where they valued companionship and closeness but also valued keeping their independence, couples were most likely to express their irritations. More traditional relationships that are invested in stability over spontaneity and hold traditional sex roles, tend to report a moderate proportion of unexpressed irritations. Finally, more individuated companionship type relationship that maintain psychological distance and value individual freedom report the high proportion of unexpressed irritations. What we see here, is that the ore you build a relationship focussed on a strong emotional bond and respecting each other’s individuality, the more likely you are to bring things up. Or, in more psychobabblish language, the more differentiated the relationship, the more likely you are to deal with things sooner. We have a whole episode on differentiation, but the quick gist of it is the idea of being securely bonded yet individuated is a healthy posture for marriage. A differentiated spouse knows their marriage is not at risk, and can handle the anxiety of pointing out something about their spouse that has upset them. Daily & Palomares (2004) also looked at couples avoiding topics. They found that the more individuals reported avoiding topics overall, the less satisfied they were with their romantically involved dating relationship.  They also found a negative relationship between topic avoidance and satisfaction in families. They conlude that people avoid topics because they are unsatisfied, and those that are satisfied are lead to discuss freely. BUT, they’re not sure about cause and effect. Does dissatisfaction lead to avoidance? Or avoidance to dissatisfaction?[ii] We actually don’t know, but we DO know there is a correlation. Does Holding Back Work? We don’t think so, and neither do Daily & Palomares.

Ouch, these were painful for me, as a wife, to find out. I don’t even want to think of the times I’ve done these things… AND didn’t even know if it was painful to Caleb. You know, I went through the 3 Best Ways to Ruin Your Wife’s Day and totally understood EVERY ONE of them. I could relate, and fully understand how any one of them would ruin my day. But, when it came to the things that ruined my husband’s day I actually got defensive and figured that the things weren’t actually that bad. That’s when it helps to have the research the back things up. So without further ado: Number one: Insult his breadwinning ability. You know, complain about how he doesn’t make enough money for you to live on comfortably, and then go out with your girlfriends for some “retail therapy”. That will crush him really good! Despite the advances of feminism and the increasing entry of women into the workplace over the last half century or more, the fact is that men still have this legacy belief in our culture that they carry the breadwinner role. Men’s roles have changed more slowly than women’s in that women have moved into the workplace but men haven’t moved into the family in the same way. We are not here to give a commentary on feminism or traditional versus contemporary gender roles, but we do want to point out, dear wife, that your husband’s self-concept as a breadwinner is quite possibly a much more significant construct in his mind than you might think. In a 2006 study, Dyke & Murphy looked at gender based definitions of success. They found that a woman’s success focused on a personal notion of balance and high importance was placed on relationships. For men, material success still loomed large; first was material success, then relationships, then making a contribution, and finally, having freedom. Before we’re too hard on the wives – dear husband, are you sincerely a hard working man and not blowing all the dough on yourself or your truck or toys or whatever? 1 Timothy 5:8 says “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” If you are an able-bodied, able-minded man, you need to be providing for your family. But back to the wives – if your hubby is doing his best, you need to build him up, not tear him down. The best way to ruin a hardworking man’s day is to insult him as a breadwinner when he gets home from work. If your income is not where it needs to be, have that tough discussion. Ask yourselves the questions: * Are your expectations realistic, or do they need adjusted? * Are you wanting or trying to live beyond your means? * Is he on board for income growth, or in a dead end job? There may be a genuine need for more income. In that case, make a plan. Does he need more training or a different job, and what kind of income are you, the wife, bringing to the table? We have a whole series on budgeting if you need some help in that direction. Start with Episode 1, and go on from there. So there it is; the number one way to ruin your husband’s day is to insult his breadwinning ability. Number two: Drown him with emotionality and then yell, “You just don’t understand me!” For most of you wives, your husband doesn’t understand you completely, and that’s not entirely his fault nor yours. It is just how it is. If you unload on him and then emphasize the fact that he doesn’t understand, he’ll probably spend part of the night and most of the next day trying to figure out what happened and what was actually going on. He’s going to do that because he loves you, but it’s probably not going to help. When he buys you flowers he’s not just saying sorry,

Obviously, there will be quite a bit of satire in this post and we don’t actually want you to ruin your wife’s day, but the serious part is this: we want to highlight some key gender differences between guys and gals. Perhaps some of you are like Caleb – you came to marriage having been raised in an all boys family, and educated in an all boys school while going to an all boys church… only to discover that women have certain sensitivities that aren’t even on your male radar…. Before we start, we want you to know that we believe in the equality of women and men, and that your wife is worthy of respect at all times and without exception. We also believe that teasing mixed with sarcastic truth is a form of verbal abuse. However, we both enjoy teasing each other, and being teased. There is a healthy way to do that. So that’s our disclaimer, and without further ado, let’s get to the top three ways to ruin your wife’s day! Number One: Miss your lunch date with her. Later, have your secretary call, or text to apologize. A few researchers did a study of college women and men, asking what they wanted in a marriage partner. They were asking about qualities one would want in a spouse and looking for qualities where there were gender differences and where women in particular placed a higher emphasis. One of those qualities was intelligence. Really, we can’t do much about our intelligence! The other two qualities are ones we want to emphasize: women desired a spouse who would be considerate and dependable. That’s why the best way to ruin your wife’s day is to completely let her down. Women don’t need men (in our culture) for food, housing and basic necessities – they can get these things on their own. What they do want is a man who is dependable as a husband for themselves and a father for their children. So, if you want to ruin your wife’s day, just make sure you’re not dependable. Don’t keep your commitments. Don’t follow through with what you promise. Let her down. The other thing women want is a husband who is considerate. That just means being careful not to cause inconvenience or hurt to others. This is about being very thoughtful of your spouse. It will delight your wife if you are a husband who is a considerate person – you are intentional about thinking about her, her needs, her concerns and how your actions and choices impact her. Being inconsiderate will most definitely ruin her day because it’ll feel like you don’t care about her. It can feel dismissive and make her feel neglected. Being considerate though, requires you to take those moments to pause and consider her so that she is not inconvenienced or hurt. Really, these are gentlemanly qualities. Guys: your wife may be the type to like some grease under your fingernails, or she may like you in a tweed coat with a stack of essays under your arm as you come through the door. Regardless, what she really wants is to be married to a gentleman. So be considerate. But also, be dependable.[i] Number Two: Take her for granted. Best started the day after you get back from your honeymoon. Not being considerate can be like taking your wife for granted, but we want to drill a little deeper into this second way to best ruin your wife’s day. Women just love being taken for granted… NOT! News flash here for you husbands: most men come into marriage with the belief that their wife will keep working on the relationship. Actually, women are significantly more likely than men to carry the belief that couples stop working on their relationship when they marry. In fact, studies of marital and dating relationships have repeatedly shown that women report lower levels of overall satisfaction and needs fulfillment than men. Most women are less satisfied with their marriages than men are.[ii] Why is this?

I take Verlynda for granted sometimes. There’s no escaping the truth. In fact, if you pause for a moment I’m sure you’ll have to admit the same with regards to your spouse. What’s odd is that it happens so subtly. But when I finally clue in, it’s so obvious. Kind of the like the proverbial frog in the pot. So let this post serve as a self-check—possibly even a wake up call—for taking your marriage for granted. It has been suggested that we start taking our marriages for granted around 3.5 years in. Yet, because taking something for granted can be a real blind spot, I thought it would be worthwhile to start by asking, “What does a satisfying marriage look like?” We all have blind spots in our lives. So we need a clear benchmark. On that note, here’s some pointers from a great study completed in 2004 three key markers of a marriage that is NOT being taken for granted (Rosen-Grandon, 2004). Marker #1: Love You gotta have love, right? “Loving relationships are those in which open communication and agreement on the expression of affection are important”. In a thriving marriage you’ll have a couple that agree that characteristics like respect, forgiveness, romance, support and sensitivity are openly communicated in ways that are meaningful to both spouses. Here’s a quick checklist on that: * How are you doing on open communication? * Are you making yourself known? * Are you truly bringing all of yourself, your thought, concerns, cares, and feelings to the marriage? * Are you sharing those things with your spouse? * Are you openly expressing affection? How? * Is that how your spouse most appreciates the expression of affection? Marker #2: Loyalty So you can imagine if you’re going to uphold the first marker and bare your soul, you want to choose to do that with a  person who is totally loyal. And to be that person for your spouse as well. Loyalty is based on three critical components: * Lifetime commitment to the marriage. Commitment is critical, obviously. You need to be a person who your spouse sees as being totally committed to the covenant you’ve established before God. Keep your vows. Don’t have a wandering heart or a wandering eye. Loyalty is observed through behavior. * Prioritizing your spouse. Specifically, you will defend your spouse. Over and above your parents and even your children. There’s an abundance of marriage research that says if you take care of your spouse you’ll do more for your kids than by making them #1. So point your heart towards your spouse. * Strong moral values. If loyalty is important to marital success than this one is obvious. Want to create uncertainty, jealousy, suspicion, or anxiety? Just have low moral values. Works every time. But if you’re trying to build a marriage that is as solid as a rock, this is a key feature. Loyalty needs to be clearly observed in a marriage that portends to be taken seriously. Marker #3: Shared Values Pulling together brings meaning to your life goals and dreams. This is not a profound concept so I don’t have a lot to say about it other than that it is very important that you get these shared values out into the open. Sometimes we hold a particular value based on a goal or dream like an oyster. Nobody (even our spouse) can see this beautiful pearl until we bring it out into the open. Often, when I see a couple just gridlocked on an issue, one of the spouses has a value in there somewhere that has never seen daylight. But it’s super important to him or her. Have you shared all of your values with your spouse?

Back to school means a change in routine for many families. Summer holidays are over (or, will be shortly) and once September arrives we’re into a new rhythm. Verlynda and I thought that this adjustment was the perfect opportunity to make sure you prioritize your marriage as you adjust to the new routine.   Back To School: Back To Normal This is the last of our shorter episodes this summer, so we’re getting back into our own routines as well! What we want you to think about is putting some priority on your marriage as part of getting back into routine. Healthy Marriage Routines Here’s some ideas for you to consider on a daily, weekly, monthly and annual basis. Daily: * Make sure you have a ritual of greetings and departures (take time for a good hug and a kiss when you are separating or reuniting as you go about your daily schedules) * Have a time to connect. Just the two of you. You should be able to make something happen most days. For us, we have breakfast together every morning after the kids get on the school bus. * Keep in touch. A quick phone call or a few text messages. It’s good to keep each other informed a little. * Pray together. Having this as a daily routine really helps you keep on the same page. It’s hard to pray together if you’re out of sync with each other. Weekly: * Aim for one serious conversation each week. Or maybe I should say ‘intimate’ instead of ‘serious’. Good heart to heart about what is going on in life. When can you schedule this in so that it happens consistently? * Can you swing a date once a week? For us this is a challenge but we have been pretty good at scheduling lunch together every second week. * Are you going to church together? Spiritual routines form a focal point in your family that just helps ground everyone in what really matters. I really believe this should be a weekly commitment. Monthly: * At a minimum, try to aim for one date together every month. I recognize a lot of us have some pretty busy lives but if we get to the end of them and our marriage is broken: do you really think we’re going to feel like we’ve lived well? Annual: * Can you plan a getaway together? Just the two of you. If so, pick a spot and figure out a budget. And then save up for it so the financial commitment doesn’t take away from the pleasure of your time together. * Family holidays. We actually forgot to plan this for 2015 and it’s made life a little tougher trying to make these happen on the fly. We are definitely putting this back on the list for 2016. Family holidays just help everyone share good times which is really healthy. Next Week We’re back to our regular programming next week with our usual research-based approach. We’ve had a good summer and hope you have too! Back to school means a change in routine for many families. Summer holidays are over (or, will be shortly) and once September arrives we’re into a new rhythm. Verlynda and I thought that this adjustment was the perfect opportunity to make sure you prioritize your marriage as you adjust to the new routine.   Back To School: Back To Normal This is the last of our shorter episodes this summer, so we’re getting back into our own routines as well! What we want you to think about is putting some priority on your marriage as part of getting back into routine. Healthy Marriage Routines Here’s some ideas for you to consider on a daily, weekly, monthly and annual basis. Daily: * Make sure you have a ritual of greetings and departures (take time for a good hug and a kiss when you are separating or reuniting as you go about your daily schedules) * Have a time to connect. Just the two of you. You should be able to make something happen most days.

Another quick summer episode here as we take a break from our usual programming. And, contrary to what you might assume from the title, we’re not going to ask you to do anything illegal!   A Graffiti Tag for Your Marriage Our graffiti tag is simple. It just looks like C+V. But we have fun putting it different places. We finger-paint it onto dirty windows, in frosty windows, even under our first Ikea kitchen table. Hey, I even emblazoned it on our lawn with herbicide! We don’t spray it on railcars or carve it into picnic tables at the park. It’s really just for us. Why Have a Graffiti Tag? This isn’t just a random idea. I think every couple should have something like this that tells you who you are. To us, this is a symbol of commitment, togetherness and love. It is a symbol of the bond we cherish. So we stick it different places. Surprise each other with it. It’s a reminder of our commitment to one another. If you think it’s cheesy – that’s fine. But I want to challenge you to think about what you do to remind yourself and your spouse about the bond between you. The wedding rings you wear are great but you get used to them and kinda forget about them, right? So whether you choose to have a graffiti tag or some other symbol between you, choose something that will serve as a reminder down through the years of that bond that you cherish. For us, it’s a touchstone. Lots of things change through the years but C+V is always there. How about for you? Another quick summer episode here as we take a break from our usual programming. And, contrary to what you might assume from the title, we’re not going to ask you to do anything illegal!   A Graffiti Tag for Your Marriage Our graffiti tag is simple. It just looks like C+V. But we have fun putting it different places. We finger-paint it onto dirty windows, in frosty windows, even under our first Ikea kitchen table. Hey, I even emblazoned it on our lawn with herbicide! We don’t spray it on railcars or carve it into picnic tables at the park. It’s really just for us. Why Have a Graffiti Tag? This isn’t just a random idea. I think every couple should have something like this that tells you who you are. To us, this is a symbol of commitment, togetherness and love. It is a symbol of the bond we cherish. So we stick it different places. Surprise each other with it. It’s a reminder of our commitment to one another. If you think it’s cheesy – that’s fine. But I want to challenge you to think about what you do to remind yourself and your spouse about the bond between you. The wedding rings you wear are great but you get used to them and kinda forget about them, right? So whether you choose to have a graffiti tag or some other symbol between you, choose something that will serve as a reminder down through the years of that bond that you cherish. For us, it’s a touchstone. Lots of things change through the years but C+V is always there. How about for you?