The Marriage Podcast for Smart People

When you hesitate and find yourself stopping just before sharing something with your spouse, how do you make sense of that? Shouldn’t we be able to share everything with our soul mate?

So, if you’ve been married more than a week, you know there’s a difference between intimacy and sex. You can have either one without the other, but together, it is an incredible experience! What is Fully Engaged Sex? Fully engaged sex is when both spouses are fully present and there is a real sense of connection. It is the difference between just doing it and actually bonding, between having sex and making love. There is a lot that goes into a real sense of connection during sex, but one thing that we want to focus on here is eyes-open sex. Eyes open sex is really emphasized Dr. David Schnarch. He is a certified sex therapist who has run hundreds of workshops and surveyed thousands of people about sex. Here are some statistics from his surveys: * 7.5% of couples never have sex * 32% never make eye contact during sex * 42% sometimes make eye contact during sex * 18.5% actually sometimes have orgasms while looking into each others eyes. These statistics really raise the question about how engaged we are during sex. Why are we not more intimate? Connection During Intimacy Connection is what deepens intimacy. It happens on a number of levels, but if you have your eyes open and you’re in touch with each other rather than each being lost in your own private pleasure, that’s sex on a more intimate level. The very opposite of connected a connected couple are ones who are bored and lazy during sex. They’re just doing their “marital obligations” and underneath they’re isolated and filled with their own concerns or insecurities. Their bodies are there, but they are not both fully present and fully engaged. Mosher, in The Journal of Sex Research (1980) speaks about disengaged versus engaged sex like this: When sexual trance is the preferred pathway of involvement, the setting requires freedom from distractions, the mood is relaxed and receptive, sexual techniques emphasize repetitive, sensual pacing, the sexual style is passive and inwardly oriented, fantasies are scriptless sensory images, and sex is conceived to be an altered state of consciousness or a trip that leads to intense absorption into sensation and orgasm with faded consciousness in which the person is transported. When engagement with the sex partner programs the sexual contact episode, then the mood and setting are romantic reminders of the love bond, the sexual techniques emphasize kissing, cuddling, and face-to-face contact, the sexual style is affectionate and mutually pleasuring, the fantasies are romantic, sex is conceived to be a loving merger, and orgasms are flowing with a loss of the self in a loving union. The first part of that long technical paragraph speaks about disengaged sex where each spouse is focused completely inward. The second half speaks of a union where the couple is engaged. In both situations, people had an orgasm and had sex, but the levels of intimacy are at an entirely different level. A couple engaged while love making is like the sexual implications of the Biblical statement about marriage that “they two shall be one flesh”. Rather than 1+1=2, we want 1+1 to equal 1!! Eyes-Open Sex: Touching Versus Feeling You can do all the right moves and have great sexual technique, but if you’re not actually present and making contact with her, you’re not feeling her and you’re not experiencing your sexuality as intimacy. Intensity? Probably. Intimacy? Not so much. Again, Schnarch emphasizes the intimacy. We can touch without feeling: this might be called sex but it is not intimate. We may be regularly orgasmic but still not make contact. Closing your eyes, focusing on the sensations in your body, working on technique, making it look right and achieving orgasm can actually all be ways of avoiding engagement. The goal is connection! Learning to engage more deeply through eyes-open sex is a great week to deepen that connec...

We started with the subject of in-laws in Episode 6 and learned that there are some powerful but subtle psychological mechanisms that can come into play in our relationships with our in-laws. The more we are aware of these things and of our own “stuff”, the better equipped we are to maintain a healthy relationship with the new set of parents and siblings that usually come with marriage. Today, we finish our discussion before heading over to a fascinating question from a member of the OYF clan. A Quick Review In summary, in Episode #6, we discussed the following dynamics based on some great research found in the Journal of Family Therapy: * Jealousy: for time, affection and attention * Competition: comparison and expectations * Transference: stuff missing in my family that I look for, or expect in yours, without (perhaps) even realizing I’m doing so. * Displacement: getting upset with the in-laws because that’s easier than getting made at my spouse, or even my own parents. We want to affirm again the need to honour our parents and yet we hope that by opening up these areas of struggle that it’ll help normalize some of the challenges of being in a relationship with our in-laws. In-laws can be a major marital issue, which is supported by research. In the Journal Of Marriage and Family (2004), Bryan, Conger & Meehan concluded the following: Even in long-term marriages, conflicts in extended family relations will erode marital stability, satisfaction and commitment over time. Those in-law conflicts can actually wear away at the marriage bond and that is why we want you to have some tools and ideas about how to approach these issues so that this can be a point of resilience in your marriage. Going back to the research from the Journal of Family Therapy, let’s move on! 5. Poor Boundary Regulation Every family is different, and flexibility is a huge asset in creating a successful marriage. That flexibility also needs to be extended to our in-laws as we all have our own expectations of what the relationship should look like. Whether it be family rituals, levels of parental involvement, or whatever, each one of us has an idea of how things should work out. When couples merge, some of those differences may feel like violations because we expect one thing and reality is another. That’s where boundary regulation comes in – the couple needs to support each other, have good communication, be together and realize that there are some differences that they’ll need to navigate their way through. To emphasize again, the couple needs to be together at all times. A parent and child can never divorce, but a married couple can, so must do everything they can to preserve that bond. If the parents have overstepped a boundary, the couple (even if one thinks their spouse is in the wrong) needs to be together in the moment, but also needs to sort out later (in private) what went on. Try to unpack things and look at it from the other family’s point of view. An apology may be needed, so be big enough to apologize if you were at fault! If you think about it, the weird part about in-laws is that all of a sudden there’s a close, familial connection with people who are pretty much strangers. Those people have a 20 or 30 year relationship with your spouse, and you’re now received into this family with the same position but none of the history.We need to define those boundaries and how the relationship is going to look in a way that supports the marriage bond first and respect and honours the parents second. 6. Discrepant Role Expectations What if, for their first baby, the husband has been looking forward to being Awesome Dad #1.

I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, “Wow, how did you do that?” “I would tell you”, answered the magician predictably, “but then I’d have to kill you.” After a moment’s pause the same voice yelled back “Can you tell my mother in law?” In-laws Are Special! Even though it would be impossible to host an episode about in-laws without a little off-the-cuff humour, we do want to acknowledge that parents are always to be given honour. Having said that, we recognize that in-law issues – both parent to offspring and offspring to parent – can be a really hot topic for many marriages! The Journal of Family Therapy published an article called “The Problem With In-Laws” (2003). They identified six common areas where issues arise in Western societies with in laws. They are: * Jealousy * Competition * Transference * Displacement * Poor boundary regulation and * Discrepant role expectations These are not all words we use commonly every day so we will unpack them a little below! A note to folks from other cultures that follow our show: you may have to take what we’re going to talk about and evaluate if it fits your culture. At the very least, this might be an interesting insight into how things happen in the idealized world of North America. Regardless of culture, the guiding principle here from the ancient wisdom of the Bible is that a husband shall leave his father and mother and cleave (cling, unite) unto his wife (Genesis 2). This implies there is a clear separation that comes into the parental relationship and then a joining in the marriage relationship. 1. Jealousy When you get married, your loyalty changes from your parents to your spouse. Time, attention and affection get re-directed to the spouse from the parents which may make the parents jealous. The spouse may also get jealous is he/she feels that the parents-in-law are still getting a larger portion of the attention. To further complicate things, a spouse may actually feel like they’re betraying their parents to some extent when they leave home. There may be grief, but the couple needs to build their own bond to compensate. Realize that most in-laws want the best for your marriage. Usually, parents are not out to thwart a relationship, but want their child and spouse to be happy. It is each individual coming to the new relationship with their own expectations of what that should look like that causes conflicting tensions. 2. Competition (or Comparison) It is so easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves with others. That is no different in relationships than it is with anything else. We can bring a lot of expectations into our marriage about what it means to be a good daughter-in-law (DIL) or son-in law (SIL) and even compare ourselves with our siblings as to who is doing a better job as an in-law. We may also compare ourselves with our spouse’s parents. For example, a husband may compare the house that he has provided for his wife with the house she lived in with her parents and wonder if he measures up. It’s also easy to feel like we need to compete for the amount of time devoted to each relationship. How can we diffuse the competition? We need to manage our boundaries – put your spouse first and your parents second. As a spouse, we need to voice our concerns to our marriage partner if we feel left out. Talk about it and try to find ways where you can still feel connected with the parents but are not taking time away from your spouse. Rather than come at it with an “either-or” attitude (competition) try to find a “both-and” solution. 3. Transference Transference is looking to your family (my in-laws) to provide something that was lacking in my family or fulfill the role of my parents. It may not even be a recognized need,

We all know that one sure fire way to get cancer is by smoking cigarettes. What if there was one thing that is cancerous to marriage? Today we’re going to look at one feeling that could destroy your marriage and what we can do to defend ourselves against this. What is this one thing? You might think, “Really? One thing? Marriages break up for a lot of reasons!” Well, Dr. John Gottman has identified that the number one factor identified in marriage break ups is contempt. What does contempt look like? Well, it might look like sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, hostile humor. You can even see it on a persons face sometimes when they lift a corner or pull back the side of their mouth. Contempt increases conflict and comes from long-simmering negative thoughts. It is literally unhealthy: Couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses. A great example of contempt in a marriage is found in the history of the Bible in the story of Michal, one of the wives of King David. When David went into exile, he left Michal behind, and while exiled got more wives. Think about it, she’s left behind trying to explain to people why he didn’t take her with him. In the scene where David returns (2 Samuel 6) and is celebrating victory, Michal sees his excitement and as soon as they meet, she cuts him down. She mocks him with sarcasm, which is contempt. Contempt conveys disgust and anger. The story actually ends by saying she had no children to the day of her death. While the marriage stayed intact as an institution, obviously they were so done with each other there was no sexual intimacy, never mind emotional. Contempt is lethal to a marriage. Wives: Listen Up! While nobody deserves to be treated contemptuously, there is a gender difference regarding the impact of contempt on the marriage bond: contempt from a wife is more serious than contempt from a husband. Men are hard wired for respect – they need that. Individuals who doubt themselves underestimate the strength of their partner’s love. I.e., disrespect means you don’t love me. What Can We Do? If you’re reading this, or have listened to our show, and are like “OH NO! Our marriage is toast…”, make changes now. Cultivate what Dr. Gottman calls a “culture of praise and admiration”. You can do this by: * Expressing genuine appreciation. We talked about this in more detail in Episode 4 * Being focused on what your spouse is adding to your life (not taking for granted) * Touching your partner verbally and physically every day in an affectionate manner. This is very deliberate – you can’t just wing it! Don’t be a statistic, combat contempt today! Q&A Section Mark asked: “It seems a good marriage, as we have observed, goes through different stages of growth. Are these common to all marriages? Can they be delineated? What hinders or halts progression? What enhances progression? Listen to this episode to hear the answer! We all know that one sure fire way to get cancer is by smoking cigarettes. What if there was one thing that is cancerous to marriage? Today we’re going to look at one feeling that could destroy your marriage and what we can do to defend ourselves against this. What is this one thing? You might think, “Really? One thing? Marriages break up for a lot of reasons!” Well, Dr. John Gottman has identified that the number one factor identified in marriage break ups is contempt. What does contempt look like? Well, it might look like sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, hostile humor. You can even see it on a persons face sometimes when they lift a corner or pull b...

Have you ever caught your spouse doing something right? Haha, that’s right: so often we’re quick to get at each other when things don’t go well. It’s pretty easy to get that criticism monkey on your back but really hard to get it off. Today we’re going to work on the skill of expressing appreciation in your marriage. Reason 1: You’ll Enjoy Your Marriage More Showing appreciation goes both ways. A study published by Busby, Holman and Neihuis in 2009 showed that couples in which both spouses perceived the other’s personality as more affable (friendly, or good natured) then their own experienced more positive relationship outcomes. By force of habit, we can see the positives more than the negatives or vice versa. Dr. John Gottman states, “We have learned that couples rarely improve their marriages by trying to change each other. Rather, couples find happiness by focusing on each other’s positive attributes.” Add to that focus by proactively emphasizing the positive! The Bible says “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up” (1 Thess 5:11). Reason 2: You’ll Get More of What You Express Appreciation For It’s a natural desire, in a healthy marriage, to want to please your spouse. When we hear appreciation, we are learning what pleases the other person. This then becomes a note-to-self of how to bring more positivity into the relationship in the future, even if it’s more in the subconscious! Reason 3: Appreciation Reinforces the Emotional Bond Between You Expressing appreciation is really just another way to say, “I love you!” If you loathe someone, you know how hard it is to even find one positive thing to say about that person. On the other hand, if you appreciate someone, giving voice to those positive affirmations will reinforce the emotional bond. As humans, we know that the people who love us appreciate us. So it’s a way of saying, “I love you” and strengthening your marriage. Reason 4: Appreciation is a Signal That You’re Vested in the Relationship Dr. John Gottman’s research has shown that healthy marriages have five positive interactions for every negative interaction. Unhealthy marriages have a ratio of 0.8 to 1. Being positive half the time doesn’t cut it!  Your positivity needs to far overwhelm your negativity. Appreciation is one of many ways to create positive interactions. But beyond what you say to express it, there is the underlying affirmation that you’re committed to this relationship, you’re investing in it, you’re building it and you’re wanting it to grow!  Words of appreciation “give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29) so it builds resilience into the marriage bond for that 1 time (for at least every five) in which we stumble and say something that hurts our spouse. You can’t express appreciation and not want all that good stuff to happen.  So it’s a powerful signal to your spouse of how meaningful the relationship is to you. Reason 5: It’s Going to Force You to Learn to Accept Appreciation Ironically, we’re often better at giving appreciation than receiving, which is good, but it’s actually just as important that we learn to receive it as well. Perhaps this is more directed at our female listeners – Caleb commented that “the number of successful, have-it-together, competent moms or wives that have expressed a profound lack of self-confidence blows my mind.” Our appeal to you is, learn to receive your husband’s appreciation! What does it mean to receive appreciation? Bring it into your heart! See the sincerity in your eyes, hear the genuineness in his voice and believe what he’s saying! Internalize it, accept it as true! When he says: “You look great in that outfit!” Don’t say “Yeah, but I feel fat…” “That was an awesome supper!” Don’t say “Well, I wish I could make it like your mom.” “You’re a good mommy!

Do you ever wonder why your wife just isn’t getting on board with your decisions? Whatever your idea or plan was, it made perfect sense. But your wife isn’t going along with it–and in fact may even be pulling the other direction! This podcast is about one thing we husbands must learn to do well in order to be together as a couple on our decisions. Receiving Influence Receiving Influence is something we must learn to do well. It simply means that the husband makes himself open to persuasion from his wife. This is something that marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, emphasizes as a critical trait of healthy marriages. It’s the opposite of being stubborn or domineering and it is particularly important that the husband pays close attention to this. Marriage is a great tool to help us become less selfish. It is sometimes hard to be open to our spouse’s influence and that might be seen in comments where we dismiss their input by saying something like, “Nonsense, what are you talking about? That’s ridiculous!” Or even more subtle remarks like “It’s not that big a deal…” or “I’m sorry, but someone had to make a decision”. These types of statements tell one’s wife that I’m not willing to receive her influence. Why is it Important to Receive Influence? Not being open leads your spouse to become angry and frustrated. That often leads to contempt and criticism: both of which are highly corrosive in a marriage. It leaves the other spouse feeling disrespected and erodes a sense of us, creating two “me” spouses. Ephesians 5:28 says “Husbands love their wives as their own bodies”. This really puts the husband under obligation to serve his wife’s needs as much as his own. When you do a good job of receiving influence, you’re signalling your wife that you’re recognizing here presence, worth, feelings and opinions. How Do I Get Better at Receiving Influence? Dr. John Gottman calls it the “Aikido principle”. It’s a rule from Japenese martial arts: you must yield to your opponent in order to win. You become more powerful by sharing your power with your spouse. * Realize it’s not about win or lose. It’s about understanding each other and honouring each other by recognizing different perspectives. * Try a different point of view. Instead of sitting across the table from each other on an issue, try shifting your thinking so that you’re together looking at the same problem. Don’t let the problem come between you, but be united against the problem. Make this: Become this: See the difference? You may even find it helpful to physically move closer towards and beside each other when discussing major decisions. Instead of you-me-problem it becomes us-problem. Part of the idea here is learning to understand each other and to honour different perspectives. When we approach a major decision together, we have the opportunity to both maintain our own self-esteem and also to build understanding. So What Can I Say to Let Her Know I Hear Her? Receiving influence is a combination of perspective and communication skills. We’ve addressed the perspective issue above. As far as communication skills go, try some of these answers next time: * That’s interesting. Help me understand where you’re coming from a little better. * It seems like this is really important to you. How is it important? * It seems like you’re scared of something here. Am I right? What is causing you fear? * (Go straight to empathy) Wow, I can certainly see how that would be frustrating for you. See how these are inviting your wife closer rather than pushing her away? This tells her you are honouring the huge role that she plays in your life. Q&A Section Question from someone identifying herself as “JustChill”:

In our Internet world of picture-perfect mommy bloggers, Facebook updates about how cute our toddler’s latest saying was, and family-fun photos on Instagram, there’s a lot of pressure to be the perfect mom. But: what if all the mommy-glamour could become the ruin of your marriage? Today’s episode is about prioritizing marriage over parenting. Should I Focus on My Marriage Or My Kids? The title  comes from Salvador Minuchin (possibly! Caleb wasn’t sure if his memory was working right here), the father of Family Systems Therapy who, when dealing with a dysfunctional family turned and asked the mother when she divorced her husband and married her kids. That is, why did she abandon her marriage relationship and focus completely on her children? We’ve had some great advice over the years and this issue was a part of that. Advice was given to Verlynda at a baby shower before she had her first child, You were a wife before you were a mother – don’t forget that. And a piece of advice Caleb was given: The best gift you can give your children is to love their mother. This is a common issue. William Farley, in Gospel-Powered Parenting, points out the risk of child idolatry in our culture and says the Puritans actually warned against loving our children too much. Farley says we need to love God more than our children, which ultimately is better for the kids as well and so we unpacked this idea further in the show. The research also supports the idea that prioritizing the marriage over parenting was better for both the couple and the children. Even at the start of child rearing, a study by O’Brien and Payton in the Journal of Family Psychology, 2002: found that a higher perceived difficulty with parenting was related to lower levels of initial marital intimacy. So you can see how they observed that marital intimacy makes parenting even feel easier. The Baby-will-save-our-marriage Trick is Probably a Bad Idea You want your baby to land right in the middle of a secure emotional bond between dad and mom, not into a war zone! Our proposition is that you give more to your kids through good ‘husbanding’ or good ‘wifing’ than through good parenting because the second flows most effectively from a solid marital foundation. This was reinforced by Erel and Burman (1995) who did a meta-analysis (a study of other researcher’s work) of 68 studies examining relationships between marital quality and parenting. They found two conclusions: * Positive marital relationship=positive parenting relationship * Parents invest more deeply in their children when there are problems in the marriage. Compensating for problems in the marriage by turning to the kids is the wrong approach! In the Scriptures, the relationship that God chose to be the one institution that would symbolize his love for the church is that of marriage, not parenting. So loving our spouse well preaches the Gospel of God’s love to our kids and to others. Our children should be attracted to God and his love, seen in the gospel, by virtue of what they see in a husband’s love for his wife. The same values are evident in what the Journal of Family and Psychology, 2004 stated, that kids (5-6 yr olds) adjust to school better when Dad and Mom are in love with each other. Again, parental love fortifies the children, makes them feel more secure and gives them more confidence to face new life experiences. The Handbook of Parenting, Volume 4 “Social Conditions and Applied Parenting” reviews a lot of studies. They conclude “happily married parents are more sensitive, responsive, warm and affectionate toward their children…the marital relatio...

The Origins of OnlyYouForever: Only You Forever is actually a love song… written by Caleb for Verlynda. It was written on a highway in Montana while we drove into the sunset (insert “happy memories” sigh here) on the way to a family vacation in Yellowstone. We’ve posted a full copy of the Only You Forever lyrics written by Caleb. The Goal of OnlyYouForever Our taglines states that our purpose is “to build thriving, passionate marriages”.  Just because you married the perfect someone doesn’t guarantee marital bliss! Marriage is something that needs to be worked on whether you’ve had a great marriage so far, or have hit a really hard place, or are somewhere in between there. OnlyYouForever will give you the tools to rock your marriage and make it awesome! As your hosts, we are committed to delivering “no fluff” content. We are intentional, focused, and cut to the point. We won’t waste your time with long, blathering episodes! Also, no part of marriage is too sacred or taboo to be discussed. But we want to talk about the part of marriage that matters to you.  Share your burning questions and curiosities about marriage by using our Speakpipe service or our Questions form. Your Hosts Caleb has a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy and is a Registered Clinical Counsellor. He’s got a lovely bald head which his wife and daughters love! Verlynda has a heart for others which is huge.  She is definitely the extrovert in the marriage, and Caleb appreciates her for her practicality and insight. As an aside, we shared a chuckle over a comment in a great book. The book deals with, amidst other things, the subject of birth order. It’s called Family Ties That Bind by Richardson. This book quotes, regarding the youngest daughter in a family (which Verlynda is), that “her poorest choice of husband is usually the youngest brother of brothers [which Caleb is]…neither of them want to be responsible for running a household or parenting”. While this book has a lot of great information, we are glad to be at least one exception to this rule! The Content of the OnlyYouForever Podcast We will base the show on a blend of ancient wisdom and current research. Caleb is an avid researcher and wants to include a lot of that hard work that has been done in the field of couple dynamics.  Our faith is also important to us so we will speak out of a Christian, Biblically-informed worldview. So, that’s how OnlyYouForever got started, what we hope to accomplish and little about ourselves! We’re so happy that you’ve visited our website and we hope that you’ll subscribe to our email list to stay up to date on our latest episodes. Remember, your real-life marriage questions are important! Others will be blessed when you send them in and they hear them answered on our podcast. You can send in your marriage questions using our Speakpipe service or our Q&A form. Image courtesy of jakeandlindsay under the Creative Commons license. The Origins of OnlyYouForever: Only You Forever is actually a love song… written by Caleb for Verlynda. It was written on a highway in Montana while we drove into the sunset (insert “happy memories” sigh here) on the way to a family vacation in Yellowstone. We’ve posted a full copy of the Only ...