The Marriage Podcast for Smart People

I certainly hope reading this is going to make you want to find your spouse right now and give them a GREAT BIG SQUEEZE! And don’t be fooled – we’re not talking about how tightly you squeeze, we’re talking about how well you do the squeeze! The Power of the Hug The power of hugging is not to be underestimated. In fact, research supports how it can be a great way to improve your marriage. In 2003, Grewen, Anderson, Girlder and Light found that couples who enjoyed more episodes of positive close contact responded with lower blood pressure and heart rate elevations in response to the stresses and strains of daily living. On that same note, couples who did not express lots of physical affection were eight times more likely to feel stressed or depressed. In another study, they tried giving one person verbal social support when they were stressed and found that it did not have the same positive effect as actual physical contact. Seriously, I could go on and on with research that proves the point that close contact prevents “life’s hiccups” from hitting us so hard physically! What Does a Hug Do? A close physical connection creates an instant entry into the world of your spouse’s emotions. Can you feel their body heaving with sobs? Can you feel how tightly they’re strung with worry? Can you feel their desire for you? An incredible range of emotions is felt through hugging! Hugging also creates an increase in the release of oxytocin, the body’s natural love drug. Not only does oxytocin lower your blood pressure and heart rate, but it also boosts happiness, fine-tunes communication skills, improves every day relationships and chases away anxiety and stress. How to Hug As you can see, we all need to hug more. However, let us tell you exactly how you can be a Master Hugger! We’ve created a little video entitled How to Hug Like a Boss because really, how can you describe a hug with words?!? Plus, how do you know when your hug is done? We really do not have a good answer to that second question, so let us know your ideas. We’d love to hear from you! Image courtesy of Tania Cataldo under the Creative Commons license. I certainly hope reading this is going to make you want to find your spouse right now and give them a GREAT BIG SQUEEZE! And don’t be fooled – we’re not talking about how tightly you squeeze, we’re talking about how well you do the squeeze! The Power of the Hug The power of hugging is not to be underestimated. In fact, research supports how it can be a great way to improve your marriage. In 2003, Grewen, Anderson, Girlder and Light found that couples who enjoyed more episodes of positive close contact responded with lower blood pressure and heart rate elevations in response to the stresses and strains of daily living. On that same note, couples who did not express lots of physical affection were eight times more likely to feel stressed or depressed. In another study, they tried giving one person verbal social support when they were stressed and found that it did not have the same positive effect as actual physical contact. Seriously, I could go on and on with research that proves the point that close contact prevents “life’s hiccups” from hitting us so hard physically! What Does a Hug Do? A close physical connection creates an instant entry into the world of your spouse’s emotions. Can you feel their body heaving with sobs? Can you feel how tightly they’re strung with worry? Can you feel their desire for you? An incredible range of emotions is felt through hugging! Hugging also creates an increase in the release of oxytocin, the body’s natural love drug.

Ladies, isn’t it an awesome feeling when you overhear your husband talking to one of his buddies and he says something nice about you? [youtube id=”DlToeAezZpA”] If you have already listened to the podcast, then you know that Caleb started quoting “nice things” about me from the Songs of Solomon. Lol! Overhearing compliments such as “Guys, my wife’s belly is as a heap of wheat encircled with lilies” may not to be too exciting for us today, but Caleb’s point was to find the language that works for your wife – even now. The even greater point is this: It’s so easy to take our spouses for granted. However, we want you to make it a personal agenda, and a real habit, to speak well of your spouse.   This is a small and willful gesture that can pay huge dividends inside your marriage. It’s also a great way to add another layer of affair-proofing to your marriage. Speaking well of your spouse to others is a great way to protect yourself from potential affairs. It sends a message that you are not only committed to but very much in love with your spouse and not interested in anyone else. Mental Health In 1989, Hooley and Teasdale did a study on married people with depression. They found that the single best prediction of relapse into neurotic depression was the patient’s response to the following question:“How critical is your spouse of you?” Depressed patients who rated their spouses as highly critical of them were significantly more likely to relapse during their follow-up than the patients who felt less criticized. Just think of the impact you can have in his/her life, as speaking well of your spouse, instead of criticizing, has a direct correlation on their health! Criticism, on the other hand, is very corrosive and is a primary ingredient for any unhappy marriage. Proverbs 27:15 says it very well – “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike”… I’m pretty sure we can apply that quarrelsome attribute to both genders! Negative Comments So, “Does this mean I can NEVER say ANYTHING negative?” Nersesian found that five heartfelt compliments will erase the damage done by one slip of the lips. And Gottman states that in a happy marriage there is a 5-to-1 ratio of good comments to bad. 50/50 is not good enough! Make it your habit to speak well of your spouse and the odd negative comment that accidently slips out will not corrode your marriage. As Caleb says, “Negativity is like a bad rash. You can’t let it spread and get all over everything!” Nip it in the bud and decide to be positive today. Marriage Satisfaction Another study by Gordon & Baucom is necessary to look at here. Their research findings concluded that those who rated their spouse as being particularly positive reported higher levels of satisfaction in their marriage. If you think your spouse is positive, it will make you happier in your marriage. So, what story are you choosing to tell yourself about your husband or wife? If your circle of friends get together to complain about their spouses, choose to tell a different story! Be the one who compliments and speaks well to others about your life partner. Not only will this positive outlook make you happier in your own marriage, but you just may influence your friends for the better too! Ladies, isn’t it an awesome feeling when you overhear your husband talking to one of his buddies and he says something nice about you? [youtube id=”DlToeAezZpA”] If you have already listened to the podcast, then you know that Caleb started quoting “nice things” about me from the Songs of Solomon. Lol! Overhearing compliments such as “Guys, my wife’s belly is as a heap of wheat encircled with lilies” may not to be too exciting for us...

Christians have been trying to figure out for centuries: is divorce and remarriage ever the right thing to do? For some, that’s an intellectual discussion – for others, it’s a huge, unexpected reality in their lives.   Back in Episode 13, we answered the question, “Is it ever OK to say, ‘If you do XYZ I’m going to divorce you’”? In response to that post, a spouse wrote us to ask, “If there are repeated acts of infidelity over several years, is it OK to say, ‘If you do this one more time, I am going to divorce you’? One comment that the listener provided was: “Once you say that, the whole nature of the relationship changes.” I want to be up front about a few things here. The following is what Caleb and I believe to be right, at this moment. We reserve the right to change our minds – we don’t want to come across as having it “all figured out”! Also, I have extreme empathy for any of our listeners who are in this situation and are wrestling with this question. It is very difficult even to write this through my tears knowing the pain and questions in so many people’s hearts. So, if you’re in this situation, please reach out. We’d love to connect with you. For those of you not in this kind of dilemma, be thankful and then work on your marriage EVERY SINGLE DAY so you never find yourself in a situation like this! That said, here’s our take: Divorce does not please God. It is very hard on both spouses and very, very hard on children. Generally speaking, husbands and wives should not desert or divorce their spouses and if they do, they should remain single and attempt to be reconciled. (1 Corinthians 7:10 & 11) However, there are three exceptions where a person can remarry: •Where an unbelieving spouse deserts the marriage, the saved spouse is free to remarry. (1 Corinthians 7:15) •In the case of sexual immorality; the bond is already broken and the faithful spouse is under no obligations to the covenant. (Matthew 5:31-32) •If your spouse dies. (Romans 7:1-4) Other than #3 though, life rarely fits so clearly or easily in the categories that we provided! We believe that a couple should always aim for reconciliation, forgiveness and rebuilding. We have seen that those marriages are often sweeter than even marriages that have never experienced the trauma of something major like an affair. Pruch, a writer from a Baptist Seminary, suggests that “all cases should be handled on a case-by-case basis with great care and reliance on God’s Spirit through prayer, in concert with one’s elders and church family, while urging the guilty towards repentance.” Perhaps, instead of divorce, we should be placing more emphasis on separation and suspending the divorce decision, while we work through a process of facilitating restoration and reconciliation. When we discussed this issue in Episode 13 (link above), it was more for “minor threats”, or even using the threat as a joke or a way to get your own way. Obviously, the question from this listener is no joking matter. So, to our listeners who are currently struggling with this, it’s definitely a complex matter. You have some biblical guidelines and you need to make your decision based on a multitude of fa...

We had the privilege this week of interviewing Tyler Ward, author of Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions & the Unnatural Art of Loving Another Person. Tyler found that about 18 months into his marriage, despite having an awesome wife, things started to go south. Fights and arguments were becoming the norm. Knowing that he wanted better for his marriage, Tyler started to look at his own preconceived ideas of what marriage should look like. He began to scientifically "test" (I loved reading the results!) different ideas of how to improve his marriage and other aspects of life too.

Who ever starts their day by thinking, “Hey, I’m going to have an affair today?” Doesn’t happen! But, how many people do you know – or maybe this has been you – that find themselves one day asking, “How did this affair ever happen to our marriage?” Our prayer in writing this is that it makes someone who is reading, suck air and go “OH BOY – it’s time to make an about turn because I’m headed for a serious marital train wreck!” [youtube id=”01uHrFa2i7w”]   While we can never be “safe” from the risk of an affair, we can take measures to safeguard our marriages. As the Bible says, “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.” We need to remember that none of us are invincible, but we also need to remember that some of us are at more risk that others. If any of the following points describe you, then you need to take extra precautions to guard your marriage against an affair. The following risk factors are from a meta-analysis done in 2010 by Tsapelas, Fisher and Aron. While this is quite a list, it is so important for each of us to be aware of the risks to our relationship. 1. Relationship satisfaction (how satisfied am I with our marriage?) * Boredom * Lack of emotional support * Frequency and quality of sex * Felt love * Low agreeableness * Low conscientiousness 2. Mental health or psychological issues * Psychopathology (depression, anxiety, etc.) * Narcissism (thinking high of self) * Excessive alcohol consumption * Childhood sexual abuse * Role modeling by father (generational infidelity patterns) * Attachment anxiety: spouses who are uncertain of the availability of spouse and cope by seeking reassurance from and clinging to their spouse * Attachment avoidance: spouses who doubt the availability of close relationships with others and cope by avoiding behaviors that promote intimacy 3. Self-perception * More socially desirable = more infidelity * Women more motivated by need for intimacy and self-esteem * Women more motivated by dissatisfaction with marriage * Men overall have a stronger desire to engage in sexual infidelity 4. Social factors * Lack of religiosity * Higher income (opportunity, entitlement) * Work that involves touching clients, discussing personal concerns with colleagues or clients, or working alone with co-workers Moving onto more positive things! Here are three things that you can do to strengthen and maintain your marriage while decreasing the risk of an affair. 1. Keep Deepening Your Love The best way to protect your marriage is to build a strong attachment bond. Sue Johnson (2004) puts it this way: “Become a source of security, protection and contact comfort for your spouse. Assist each other in difficult emotional circumstances and in developing positive and potent sense of self. In plain English, invest in your marriage! * Show love and consideration to one another. * Share the power in your relationship (listen to episode 003 – Receiving Influence, for more information on what this means). * Learn to be there emotionally for each other, so neither spouse has a desire to look elsewhere for that emotional bond. * And last but not least – be sexy! Date, flirt, wink, tease… the list could go on! 2. Own Your Stuff Sometimes it is easier to bury our feelings or to blame others for them than it is to face the feelings directly. Oftentimes though, facing them is the only way we can find healing from them. * Face any mental health issues – seek outside help. * Face any past sexual abuse, poor role modeling, brokenness: seek healing * 1 Corinthians 7 tells us no to withhold our bodies from our spouse.

After going on a vacation, have you ever noticed the fact that oftentimes your family and friends are more excited about your vacation than you are? Sure, a lot of us enjoy our vacations, but they can be kind of stressful too! Why is it that we expect uninterrupted bliss, but the reality is most of us have our little spats, our frustrations and disappointments on vacation? Holidays are necessary and biblical. Even Jesus Christ would encourage his disciples to “come apart and rest awhile”. So yes, we need holidays! Why then are there so many challenges and dissatisfactions around our vacations? [youtube id=”mb_5dI99Mrg”]   One good explanation comes from Rosenblatt & Russell. They conducted a study on our expectations surrounding our vacations. What they discovered is that people have very high expectations for their vacations and tend to idealize them. They cited that people expected to come back from their vacation totally revitalized after having a time of intense and loving family togetherness, and also becoming one with nature. In reality, vacations aren’t usually 100 percent awesome, but for some reason we expect them to be. How can we correct this? 1. Head in with realistic expectations! No couple has a perfect marriage and no family gets along perfectly. Even if it looks like they do on their blog – they don’t! So, be prepared for some of the same interpersonal difficulties to arise on vacation as they do at home, but don’t treat them like they’re the end of the world and the end of the happy vacation. Be aware of dynamics of travelling with other people. It will change things and if you can anticipate this and are prepared to make the adjustments it will make the vacation go a lot more smoothly. Also, be prepared to negotiate and compromise during the planning for each day and realize that every vacation is not going to hit the ball out of the park. 2. Talk about the “division of labor” before you head in! While this doesn’t sound vacation-like, daily maintenance is a part of any vacation. Talking about it ahead of time eases the stress surrounding it. For instance, discuss and decide who is going to be responsible for meals, decision making, packing, childcare, etc. Be aware of your own sense of entitlement. Do you tend to come into your vacation with the thought that you deserve a break and are going to do nothing? Or is this vacation a time when you could serve your spouse and lessen his/her load? Caleb gave the example, on this weeks’ podcast episode, of trying to get out of the campsite in the morning. Because he always left first in the mornings at home, he never saw the work it took to get three kids ready for the day. When camping, he would sit in the car and get frustrated that the girls and I weren’t ready when he said “Let’s go!” It was a mind shift for him to realize that he could help brush their hair before I braided it or make lunch. By doing these things, it made my load easier too. (I suggested that he could braid the girls’ hair on our next vacation, but for some reason he didn’t jump at that…) 3. Plan together! This is a discussion that needs to take place before you book any holidays. Together with your spouse, talk about the big picture and what you both want to achieve with your vacation. Do you want adventure? Rest? Contemplation? Family visit? Hot or Cold climate? Sports (ie. Skiing)? Hobby (ie fishing)? Romance? Touring all over or staying in one place and exploring deeply? There may have to be some compromise. Agree to do one type of vacation this year, and another next year depending on the desire of each spouse. Realize that if you both need a vacation to reduce stress, having kids along will make that extremely difficult. There are times when dropping the children off at their grandparents or with some close friends for the weekend and having a com...

You know, even if you are committed to your marriage, you can still make it a miserable experience. Today, we will look at three negativity traps you can fall into and how to get out of them! If you have ever felt yourself stuck in a rut of negativity, you know how draining that can be on you and your spouse. Negativity is not something anybody should dwell on. So, as we explore the topic today, we also want to remind you that except when it comes to related medical complications, happiness is very often just a choice. Yes, if you train yourself to make the choice of happiness 10, 50, 100 times a day, you are going to infuse A LOT of joy into your marriage. The three types of negativity we are going to look at today are rumination, bitterness and ingratitude. Rumination Rumination is going over and over the same bad negative things again and again. It usually focuses on the past or present (vs. worrying which focuses on the future). Along with focusing on negativity, rumination brings with it a with a desire to understand what happened; however there is usually no conscious responsibility to take action that comes along with it. Rumination gives an excuse that says as long as I keep hashing the situation through and figuring it out, I don’t actually have to take the responsibility and deal with it. A study from 2008 (Noeln/Hoeksema, Wisco & Lyubormirsky) found that rumination consistently predicts the onset of depression. In other words, where there is a pattern of rumination, you are putting yourself at risk for depression. That’s why it is important to stop the negative pattern and instead focus on the positive. While we do need to take the time to ponder our failures, figure out what went wrong and come up with how we can do things differently in the future, something constructive needs to come out of this way of thinking. Remember, focusing on the positive results in happiness! How can you do this? Take what we call “happy breaks”. Play happy music loudly, jump on your trampoline, or go for a run. It is also a good idea to plan a problem solving session where you’re actually going to sit down and deal with the issue. Don’t ignore what goes wrong in your life. Instead, balance out the time you spend thinking about it, and take breaks of happiness at regular intervals. Another great way to knock rumination out of your life is to get your eyes off yourself and onto someone else. And of course, it’s always a good idea to focus on the relationships closest to you – especially your marriage! Bitterness Unforgiveness registers in body as stress, and there is plenty of research that shows how stress impacts you physically. It can also cause medial and mental health problems. When it comes to the offenses that come at us, although we can’t control them, we can control our response. Will you become angry and bitter? Are you going to let stress and its effects consume you? Or are you going to forgive and move on? Bitterness can also create a victim mentality – it gives you an identity of being a wounded individual. Once you have this mindset, it is easy to stay there and ruminate, but really, you’re hurting yourself more than anybody else. Something to help us overcome bitterness is empathy. Remember that hurt people hurt people. If you have been hurt or wounded, try to understand that the offence came from someone who is most likely hurting inside. Empathy is the understanding that if I had walked in their shoes up until this point, who am I to think that I would have acted any differently? Empathy stops our pride and keeps the bitterness at bay. Ingratitude Gratitude is a state of being thankful. It is something that has to be cultivated and expressed often. When it comes to our marriages, it is easy to take our spouse for granted and fall into the hab...

Why do we spend so much time comparing ourselves to others? Is it a fear of rejection? Of not being good enough? Making comparisons is never healthy, but in the context of marriage, it can suck the soul right out of it. It is draining and destructive. Why? It’s because it leaves us looking for what we don’t have instead of focusing on what we do have.   Often when we are comparing our spouse to others, we are just cherry-picking certain qualities that we want to focus on, but we need to remember that the person we’re comparing our spouse to comes as a whole package. As long as you think that something out there will make your life better, you’re denying reality. You’re also taking away from yourself the opportunity to develop your own appreciation for the beauty of your own marriage, your own spouse. So, what should you do when the urge arises? Make the choice to see in your spouse the beautiful compliment for who you are. There was research done in 1982 by Sanders & Suls that stated some interesting findings on this topic. For example, they found that a sense of equity induces satisfaction. One way to look at this is, if I think that I put a lot more into our marriage than my husband (comparing my efforts to his) I will feel deprived. On the other hand, if I perceive that my husband’s efforts are equitable than I will be more satisfied. In other words, if you want to transform your marriage, work hard to make sure your spouse feels equitable in terms of contribution. Another finding in the study, was that if I feel good about my marriage, comparing it to others will make me feel even better. Oppositely, if I feel bad about it, comparing it will make me feel even worse. Either way, making comparisons to your marriage is not healthy. If you feel something is lacking, you need to talk directly to your spouse about what is happening. Before doing so, start off by asking yourself, “Do I have a perception problem or is there actually a shortcoming? Then have a conversation about it! Don’t let things fester while you compare your spouse to others. If the problem is your attitude – own up to it and change it. Focus on the positive! If there actually is an issue with your spouse, bring it up and talk it out. In Isaiah 45, a word picture is painted of a clay pot arguing with its maker. In a lot of ways, this is what we are doing when we are comparing ourselves, or our spouse, with others. We are saying that God should have made me (or my spouse) this way or that way… It is a rebuttal of God’s wisdom in creating you and is just a breeding ground for jealousy. Comparison does not solve anything. It only creates a sense of dissatisfaction. Instead of lamenting on what we don’t have (but can see in others), we need to focus on what is right here, present in our lives. Q&A Section Referring to the article, 10 Habits of Happy Couples, Edwin asks: “Is this just the things that happy couples do already? Or if unhappy couples start doing them, they will become happier (note, I didn’t say happy). Do you have to change feelings to change behaviour or does changing behaviour change feelings?” I thought Caleb and I were going to disagree on this one. What do you think? Let us know in the comments below! In the podcast, Caleb referred to Episode 003, Receiving Influence From Your Wife. Go have a listen or read to find out what he was referring to. Why do we spend so much time comparing ourselves to others? Is it a fear of rejection? Of not being good enough? Making comparisons is never healthy, but in the context of marriage, it can suck the soul right out of it. It is draining and destructive. Why? It’s because it leaves us looking for what we ...

Where do you go with your stress? Do you take it out on your wife or husband? Or do you take it to your spouse? I know, I know, there are a lot of jokes about marriage adding to your stress… The great thing about marriage though, is that it’s design is perfect for the management and reduction of stress. One of the fundamental invitations of Jesus Christ was to give rest/relief as  Matthew 11:28 states, “Come unto me, all who labor and I will give you rest.” Obviously, we can’t save our spouse, but we can be the secure sounding board that will give them relief from outside stresses. God wants us to be at peace and at rest, and has designed marriage as a tool to get us to that place in our lives. How does this work? Before we go on… If you haven’t listened to (or read) Episode 15, go do it now.  Listening with understanding is key to reducing your spouse’s stress. Talk it out! Try to talk for 10 to 20 minutes about a stressor and give as much detail as possible. Something to keep in mind is that this is for stress outside the relationship, this is not related to relationship issues! Those need talked out too, but that is not what we’re discussing here. In general, men seem to feel obliged to solve a problem, while woman take their husbands problem and make it their own. Don’t do either! Caleb and I have fun with this as we notice ourselves doing these stereotypical things. Husbands: Just listen. I was meaning just listen to your wife, but again, listen to Episode 15 too! It’s about listening to understand. Just hear her out and make sure you understand what she’s telling you and more importantly what she’s feeling. Don’t feel you need to solve the problem! Wives: Again, listen! Listen to understand. Don’t make his stress your problem and get wound up and fuel the fire and make his stress bigger (I am SO guilty of this one). I know that the she-bear wants to come out when our husband is criticized, but making his problem our problem doesn’t help him or us. Just hear him out. Make sure you respond in such a way that he knows you heard him. What he really needs is wound down, not wound up! Oh yeah, and make sure you trade roles. Sometimes Caleb gets home and I’m so busy ranting and raving and de-stressing that I forget to ask about his day. And by the time he’s done hearing about mine, he doesn’t want to add his own stress!  Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating here (at least I hope I am!) but make sure you take turns hearing each other out. That’s the fabulous thing about marriage – it’s a safe, secure, non-judgemental place to air everything out. Why doesn’t this always work? Protector:We know a guy who feels he needs to protect his family from his stress. So instead of talking to his wife about it, he takes it out on his wife and kids in anger and harshness (and yes, that is his own confession). 10 minutes of talking it out and receiving empathy from his wife would make such a difference in this situation. Fear of Dependency: Another reason for not sharing stress, is the Fear of Dependency (if you haven’t listened to Episode #9, go do it now). Some people, especially men, feel that they need to stand alone and not depend on anyone.  This really puts up barriers to intimacy. Other ways to use your marriage for stress relief? Comfort Sex: Sexy Marriage Radio mentioned that there are different kinds of sex, and using sex for comfort is one of them. Gifts/Pampering/Popcorn: Yes, popcorn is my comfort food and if I’m stressed, Caleb knows I’ll enjoy it. It has become a joke between us now, but seriously,

How awesome does it feel to be completely understood by someone – to feel that they ‘get’ you when you are explaining a problem!? Do you want to be a spouse that is able to give this blessing? Listening to understand is one of those skills in marriage that doesn’t have a very sexy label, but is going to go a long ways towards building a thriving, passionate marriage. I know you’re probably thinking, “But everyone knows how to listen, right? How could it be such a skill?” The reality is, most of us listen to respond, rather than listen to understand! Listen to Understand: 4 Methods There are 4 kinds of active listening responses: clarifying, paraphrasing, reflecting and summarizing. These come from the work of Cormier and Nurius. 1. Clarifying Rephrase to understand. Try using, “Are you saying…?” or “So, you mean…?”. By rephrasing what was said and repeating it back to the sayer, clarifying helps to deal with ambiguity and vagueness. For example: Wife [after hectic day]: I just feel like it never stops. Husband clarifies: Are you saying you’d like me to be more involved with the kids bedtime routing? (pulling clarification from context of the day). On a complete side note here – all you ladies, listen up! Try to avoid “women-speak”. If you need help, ask for it. It is so much easier on the relationship, and on ourselves, than hinting and hoping our husband catches the hint! 2. Paraphrasing Rephrase your spouse’s content and repeat it back to them. This helps them get more specific. It also helps them to know if you’re interpreting their meaning correctly, and lets you dig a little deeper into what they really mean. For example: Husband: I tried talking to Fred about his lack of results in sales last month, but it was really difficult. He would hardly say a word and I don’t know what to do with him. Wife paraphrases: Fred is not responding when you’re trying to coach him? 3. Reflecting Reflecting is like paraphrasing but pulls the ‘feeling’ words out. This is huge for communicating that you understand, and for helping your spouse to feel understood. It helps them identify core feelings, issues and concerns. It really goes past the content of what they said to the process of what they’re feeling about a situation. For example: Wife (for the full effect, read this outloud – take a big breath and let is all come spilling out in a rush!): Little Jimmy came home today and blasted in the door, threw his backpack into my arms and blew right by me shouting over his shoulder that he was heading to the neighbor’s to play on his new game console. Husband: So you felt disappointed? Maybe kind of hurt and angry about being treated like you were his maid rather than being greeted respectfully as his mom? (At this point, I, the wife, would yell YES and fall into his arms because he actually understood me!!!) 4. Summarizing Summarizing really ties multiple pieces together. It is a combo of 2 or more of clarifying, paraphrasing and reflecting. For example: Husband: I am just so done with my brother, Joe. I am sick and tired of his negativity and criticism all the time. It was great when he was in that sales job but since he’s been unemployed it’s like he’s so bitter and hard to be with. I don’t know what to do with him or about him now. Wife: Sounds like you’re kind of sad about losing the old Joe that you knew and enjoyed so much. Are you saying that you wish you could find a way to help him? Listen to Understand: Other Tips That sums up the four kinds of active listening, but another great tip is to use good questions. Use open questions rather than closed questions. Open questions require a longer answer, while closed questions only require a yes or a no. Rather than asking, “Did something happen today?” (yes or no answer),

A Ritual of Emotional Connection This is a quick episode again as we are still vacationing in South Dakota! Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher in the field of marriage therapy, encourages couples to establish what he calls, “rituals of emotional connection.” There are hundreds of possibilities, but in this episode we share with you a quick one that we practice nearly every day. We use it in that busy time between getting home from work and eating our evening meal together. What is 5-for-5? It’s simple, and it’s geared typically towards husbands who come home to their wives after work in the evening. It could be tailored to fit your circumstances if they are different. What I do is spend five minutes, right after I get home, within five feet of Verlynda. That’s 5-for-5: five minutes within five feet. I put my iPhone down and just spend the time finding out about her day, and talking to her about mine. Now, life is never so simple that eight or ten hours can be summarized in five minutes, but it’s a quick summary. More importantly, it’s a quick way to reconnect and fortify that healthy sense of togetherness. HT to Michael Hyatt for this tip! Give it a Shot And let us know how it goes. Or, maybe you’ve developed some quick-and-easy ways of connecting. We’d love to share those with other members of the OYF clan so please feel free to reach out on Facebook, Twitter or shoot us a note. Please leave a comment below! We hope you’re having a great summer too! A Ritual of Emotional Connection This is a quick episode again as we are still vacationing in South Dakota! Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher in the field of marriage therapy, encourages couples to establish what he calls, “rituals of emotional connection.” There are hundreds of possibilities, but in this episode we share with you a quick one that we practice nearly every day. We use it in that busy time between getting home from work and eating our evening meal together. What is 5-for-5? It’s simple, and it’s geared typically towards husbands who come home to their wives after work in the evening. It could be tailored to fit your circumstances if they are different. What I do is spend five minutes, right after I get home, within five feet of Verlynda. That’s 5-for-5: five minutes within five feet. I put my iPhone down and just spend the time finding out about her day, and talking to her about mine. Now, life is never so simple that eight or ten hours can be summarized in five minutes, but it’s a quick summary. More importantly, it’s a quick way to reconnect and fortify that healthy sense of togetherness. HT to Michael Hyatt for this tip! Give it a Shot And let us know how it goes. Or, maybe you’ve developed some quick-and-easy ways of connecting. We’d love to share those with other members of the OYF clan so please feel free to reach out on Facebook, Twitter or shoot us a note. Please leave a comment below!

I know we all can come out with some doozies in a rip-roarin’ marital. However, one of the most important rules of fair fighting is: the threat of divorce is never on the table. Divorce: Unjust if In Jest? So this is a short episode because we are on holidays! But we wanted to leave you with a good tidbit to chew over. We’ve noticed a few different folks mentioning that their spouse threatened them with divorce, if they did or didn’t do certain things. Now, we don’t want to be too severe, but… This one is simply unacceptable. Marriage is a sacred, permanent covenant that should only ever be broken by the passing away of one’s spouse. In the heat of an argument, some have thrown this question into the fray in a manipulative way as a scare tactic. That is never acceptable. But what is surprising is the number of folks we’ve heard recently using this as a passing remark. “Oh, if you ever went out in public dressed like that, I’d divorce you!” Is that OK to say? We say, “No!” Learn the Language of Distress Now we can certainly understand that there are some things we feel very strongly about. But to use the threat of divorce, even in a flippant way, is a small but unnecessary threat to the sanctity of the marriage bond. There are other ways of expressing distress. Instead of creating a threat, give your spouse a window into how strongly impacted you are (or might be) by their choice. Try, “If you ever went out in public dressed like that, I’d feel like I was with my grandmother instead of my wife. Please change!” Stop and Think So this is just us asking you to stop and think before you speak. Understand what is bothering you so severely. Frame that into language your spouse can receive without feeling threatened, and language that opens up your heart to him or her. We hope you enjoyed this! Remember, we’d love to hear from you. Please leave us a review on iTunes or send us your comments or a question for a future episode to questions@www.onlyyouforever.com. And thanks for putting up with our mini-episode while we enjoy a family holiday in the Black Hills of South Dakota! I know we all can come out with some doozies in a rip-roarin’ marital. However, one of the most important rules of fair fighting is: the threat of divorce is never on the table. Divorce: Unjust if In Jest? So this is a short episode because we are on holidays! But we wanted to leave you with a good tidbit to chew over. We’ve noticed a few different folks mentioning that their spouse threatened them with divorce, if they did or didn’t do certain things. Now, we don’t want to be too severe, but… This one is simply unacceptable. Marriage is a sacred, permanent covenant that should only ever be broken by the passing away of one’s spouse. In the heat of an argument, some have thrown this question into the fray in a manipulative way as a scare tactic. That is never acceptable. But what is surprising is the number of folks we’ve heard recently using this as a passing remark. “Oh, if you ever went out in public dressed like that, I’d divorce you!” Is that OK to say? We say, “No!” Learn the Language of Distress Now we can certainly understand that there are some things we feel very strongly about. But to use the threat of divorce, even in a flippant way, is a small but unnecessary threat to the sanctity of the marriage bond. There are other ways of expressing distress. Instead of creating a threat, give your spouse a window into how strongly impacted you are (or might be) by their choice....

In your marriage, is sex more about quantity or quality? One stereotype we always hear is that men just want it all the time and women do not. But the fact of the matter is, many factors come into play: body image, anxiety, menstrual cycles, social cues or influences, etc. So deriving meaning about the purpose of sexual intimacy from the frequency of sex is not always a great strategy.   Mutual Satisfaction Byers & Heinlein (1989) researched the initiation of sex in a marriage. What comes as no surprise is that they found men initiated more than women. But, they undid one cultural stereotype: men and women respond the same percentage of the time to those initiations. Another thing they found was that if you experience greater sexual satisfaction in your marriage, there are more initiations. If you are less sexually satisfied, you are more likely to refuse an initiation. All this to come to our first point – mutual satisfaction is one purpose for sex! Selfless-ness & Mutual Intimacy A key Bible passage that deals with the physical side of marriage is 1 Corinthians 7:3-5a, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” Some key points to see here: * In a marriage, we don’t have “rights” over our own bodies. We are responsible to yield mutually to one another. In fact, marriage and sex are both wonderful facilities to reveal selfishness in ourselves! We need to remember that we give up exclusive rights to “me” and share them with our spouse when we marry. * Sex loses its meaning when I stop giving. Think of making love as a “giving” gesture and not a “getting” (ie, what I can get from it) gesture. * Culture teaches that men, in particular, have a right to ejaculation. We need to think about rights differently. What we actually have the right to, is to mutually give or serve our spouse in the context of absolute equality. Holding a right to give, not get, is a paradigm shift that will bless your marriage. * There is one huge assumption here, which may be an issue for some of you. This passage says nothing of procreation and by virtue of this silence, validates the truth that God made us sexual creatures not only for procreation, but also for pleasure. That is one of the main points of sex: this very intense, very intimate, mutual intimacy and pleasure. Frequency? So often people ask, “How often do married couples have sex?” We look for benchmarks sometimes and I think we’re really asking the question, not so much “What’s the point of sex” but rather “What’s the meaning of how frequently/infrequently we have sex?” Greenblat (1983) found that in the first year of marriage, three-quarters of couples were having sex more than 2x/week; after 6 years that dropped to 1.5x per week. One consistent issue related to the decline in frequency was exhaustion. Life stages change and energy levels change with them! But the decline was found not to be negative – people often reported physical intimacy as being more relaxed, and more focused on quality than quantity. Other types of intimacy were coming in as well. Sprecher & Schwartz (1995) also studied the frequency of sex in married couples and found that frequency changes over the course of life. The greatest influencing factor in the decrease of physical intimacy is age. The second is marital happiness and then other factors, such as pregnancy and the presence of small children, come into play.

Sometimes it is just too scary to let someone else make the decisions. Other times the fear of losing someone is so powerful we won’t even let ourselves get close to them. These sound rather extreme, but are more common in marriages than we might think. Let’s take a look at what triggers these fears. Again, we want to acknowledge the research and wisdom of Dr. Weeks and Dr. Treat in examining these fears of intimacy. To recap from Part 1 and Part 2, fear is present in all of our lives to varying degrees and comes with many, many faces. How should we deal with fear? Acknowledge it, name it, and talk to your spouse about it. Always move towards it, not away from it, and you will disempower fear! Fear #5: Fear of Losing Control or Being Controlled Weeks and Treat state, that “Healthy relationships are based on mutual control. Partners share the power and control in the relationship.” That is our baseline and our assumption here, that there is some give and take to the control in the marriage. We see the balance in the Bible verse that precedes the classic text about marriage in Ephesians 5: “Submit yourselves to one another”. Submission is not something to brow-beat your spouse with – it is something to be mutually given in a marriage! Alright, back to the Fear of Control after a little side rant there…

If you’ve ever come up against some really strong feelings – either your own or someone else’s – then you’ve probably felt yourself freaking out a little bit. Going into flight, fight or freeze mode! In Part 2, we talk about the fear of feelings and the fear of anger. Fears of Intimacy As we talked about last week, we all have the fear of intimacy to some degree. Which one (or ones), and the severity, is mostly due to what we experienced in our families of origin (FOO). But the exciting thing is these do not have to be perpetuated through the course of our marriages! We can overcome fears be acknowledging them, identifying them, and talking about them with a safe, caring spouse. As we quoted last week, “Perfect love casts out fear”. We do not get perfect love from our spouse all the time, but at least a healthy, sincere love will do a great deal to uproot and disempower these fears. As we jump into Fear #3, we again want to acknowledge the work and research of Dr. Gerald Weeks and Dr. Stephen Treat in identifying these fears of intimacy. Both of these individuals have extensive experience helping marriages and it is more of their hard work that we are unpacking in today’s episode. Fear #3: Fear of Feelings This fear has elements of the previous two fears (see OYF009), but this one is especially about feelings. Some spouses have learned to fear their feelings – all of them! Rather than feel, these spouses would rather think. They hide behind rationality, denial, intellectualization, or just plain rigidity about what is “right”, and in so doing, stay detached in order to keep space between their spouse and their feelings. Or, a person who fears their feelings may marry some histrionic, overly dramatic, to further take the pressure off them having to face their own feelings. If they have to deal with your junk, they don’t have to do the hard work of working through their own. If you grew up in a home with alcoholism, depression, child abuse, manic depressive behavior, or just sheer emotional unpredictability, then feelings were likely overwhelming. What do you do then? You shut the feelings down. Or, perhaps your parents denied or dismissed your feelings. Maybe you even got punished for having some feelings. This leads to the belief that your spouse will discount your feelings, so you ignore them, minimize them, and keep them hidden. Fear #4: Fear of Anger There are two sides to the fear of anger. One is the fear of my anger, and the other is the fear of your anger. Fear of My Own Anger Sometimes a spouse brings deep anger and resentment to the marriage. A classic example of this is in parentified children. These folks were asked to assume responsibility far beyond their capacity when they were children. Often they had to care for a parent – sometimes from very legitimate situations, or on the sadder end of the spectrum, a child with alcoholic parents having to be hyper vigiliant that a drunk, smoking parent didn’t pass out with a half-smoked cigarette and set the house on fire. These children typically either never had the opportunity, or were never allowed, to express feelings of anger and this builds up over time. In marriage, they become afraid of all that coming out uncontrollably so they keep their distance from others, including their spouse. Or if a person has grown up in a very angry home and witnessed spousal abuse or experienced child abuse, this is also a common source of fear of anger because they never want to repeat what they saw – being done in anger.