The Marriage Podcast for Smart People show

The Marriage Podcast for Smart People

Summary: With over 1,000,000 downloads...we have the research, the truth, and the answers you're looking for. You’re not satisfied with your marriage. You’re afraid of ending up alone--but married. Or maybe you fear losing your marriage entirely. Look, we know how tough marriage can be but, like you, we believe marriage should be forever. Many have told us that these weekly shows have helped them to create a marriage they love today and they’re going to treasure for a lifetime. You can see their comments in our reviews. Listen, you don’t have to be unhappy in your marriage. Or alone. Or even considering divorce. Start your marriage towards enjoyment and security today: first, subscribe to our podcast. Second, get our worksheets and other bonus content via Patreon. Third, build a thriving, passionate marriage! Who are we? Caleb has his Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy and brings you solid, research-based marriage advice once a week through this show. Verlynda keeps his two feet firmly planted on planet Earth! Together, we bring you The Marriage Podcast for Smart People from OnlyYouForever.com.

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  • Artist: Caleb & Verlynda Simonyi-Gindele
  • Copyright: Caleb & Verlynda Simonyi-Gindele, 2017. For personal self-help use only.

Podcasts:

 OYF135: A Marriage Survival Guide for Parents with Toddlers | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 25:58

The busyness of life can often have an impact on your marriage, and few stages of life are as hectic as raising toddlers. Balancing the never ending demands of looking after young children with a full time job and caring for elderly parents can seem impossible, and this stress is bound to have an affect on the amount of time you have for your spouse. So what can you do?

 OYF134: 2 Questions To Think About Before You End Your Marriage | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 30:06

Many couples find themselves at the end of the line, considering ending their marriage but held back by their beliefs that divorce is wrong. If you are in this situation you may be wondering if separation or divorce are ever helpful, or whether there is ever such a thing as a marriage that's beyond recovery. Research shows that a significant number of couples going through divorce still believe that the marriage could be saved. So asking the simple question "do you think we can save our marriage?" to your spouse can give you hope that there is still a chance you can work things out. Research also shows that many of the common reasons couple split up and refuse to reconcile are preventable and treatable with proper marriage counseling. Separation might seem like a way to give each other some space and diffuse a situation that's at breaking point, but statistics and surveys reveal that most couples who separate end up divorcing. It has also been shown that divorcing rarely leads to the increase in happiness you hope it will bring, and even re-marrying rarely improves your mental wellbeing. So even if you find your marriage breaking apart, there is still hope and it is still worth fighting for.

 OYF133: My Husband Is Not an Emotional Guy | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 22:36

It is commonly said that women are more emotional then men. But research shows that our capacity to feel emotions is no different; it's our ability or willingness to express emotion that's different. In our society women are taught to express their feelings while men are taught to mask or conceal them. We are also taught that certain emotions such as anger or pride are more "masculine" and these unspoken rules affect how men and women convey their emotions. It's not that we are different in our emotional experiences- we are just taught different things about emotions. Learning to express your emotions more clearly is a vital part of growing together as a couple. This involves learning to identify where your emotions are coming from and finding a way to communicate them appropriately. Men are just as capable of doing this as women, given the chance to learn.

 OYF132: Why Every Couple Needs to Pray Together | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 24:37

Praying with your spouse seems like a nice thing to do, but is it a priority in your marriage? According to the research, it should be! Praying together improves your marriage across a number of dimensions. It increases your marital satisfaction by placing your focus on God and on a long-term view of your marriage, thereby giving you incentive to choose behaviors that are beneficial to your relationship. Prayer also increases the sense of unity felt between couples and leads to an increase in forgiveness and selfless concern. Praying together isn't always easy as honest, heartfelt prayer means opening up and being vulnerable before your spouse and before God. But this vulnerability is the very reason that joint prayer is so essential.

 OYF131: What To Do When You’ve Just Discovered Your Husband’s Porn Habit | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 42:20

The moment when you discover your husband is addicted to pornography is a terrible and deeply shocking one. Many wives will blame themselves and feel like they have no one to turn to. In the immediate aftermath of this discovery it is important to know that the addiction is in no way caused by you having failed your husband in any way; it is a brain-altering addiction that your husband probably knows is destroying your marriage but feels unable to break out of. There are different pathways to recovery depending on whether your husband is willing to admit he needs help or not. In both cases being supportive and loving while clearly laying out the effect his actions are having on you, your marriage, and himself is a big part of the strategy. For husbands unwilling to see that they need help there is a three stage intervention program based on using a support network to convince your husband of his need to change. For wives discovering this serious breach of trust, seeking help and having someone to talk to is vital. Porn addiction is a sensitive issue but suffering alone is far worse than sharing it with a close friend or counselor. Remember that the addiction is in no way your fault, and that ultimately the responsibility for change lies with your husband.

 OYF130: The Impact of Trauma on Marital Sexuality | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 27:15

Trauma can affect your marriage in a variety of unseen ways, and sexual difficulties and aversions as a result of trauma are very common. For women, this often looks like deeply ingrained beliefs in their own unattractiveness or in sex as something to be avoided and feared rather than enjoyed. For men, trauma can result in a variety of sexual dysfunctions, including decreased libido and total aversion to sexual relations. Marriage is the perfect place to rebuild your ability to trust and feel intimacy, but it has to be slow and gradual process where both partners are involved. Understanding the impact of trauma and working to slowly re-establish intimate physical connection in a safe and loving context can heal the pain and damage caused by trauma and restore harmony to your sex life.

 OYF129: Is Trauma Impacting Your Marriage? | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 26:18

Trauma can impact your marriage in unseen and potentially devastating ways. Trauma brought on by difficult life experiences such as abuse, violence or bereavement can cause the afflicted spouse to be afraid of forming close bonds and being vulnerable. It can also affect the other spouse vicariously and lead to distancing and distrust in your marriage. But marriage is also the ideal place to confront and recover from your trauma. Research shows that in the context of a supportive marriage, those suffering from trauma can better learn to regulate the chaotic emotions the trauma has caused, while also learning to open up and view close relationships as safe. Trauma can ultimately help couples grow closer together as the process of sharing your darkest emotional experiences creates a powerful bond between partners.

 OYF128: The Best Sex Happens Inside Marriage | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 23:02

It is often said within Christian circles that sex is better and more enjoyable when kept within marriage. There is unquestionably a Biblical argument that marriage was designed by God to be enjoyed by committed, lifelong married partners. But secular research on sexual satisfaction shows the exact same thing: sex is almost always more rewarding and pleasurable when shared with a single married partner. Why is this? Creating an exclusive sexual relationship increases your investment in your partner, which increases your incentive to develop your emotional and sexual intimacy, which naturally increases your ability to bring each other pleasure. The longer you stay with a single married partner the better you will become at sharing sex that is enjoyable for both of you. Sex within marriage is also viewed as sacred and can be enjoyed without guilt. Investing more in the sexuality of your marriage will always lead to better sex as you continue to grow alongside your partner.

 OYF127: Why You’re Using the Love Languages All Wrong | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 28:16

Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages is a popular way of thinking about the ways we give and express love. It has gained widespread popularity and helped many couples think more clearly about the way they show love and use actions to maintain their relationships. But the research shows that not everything about this theory should be accepted without hesitation. Close examination has found that having a mismatch in your Love Language as a couple doesn't actually have any impact on marital satisfaction. Not only that but thinking of love only in terms of actions and trying to fill your spouse's "love tank" can open the door to self-centered or even manipulative behavior. Love is expressed in actions, but it is so much more than that too. Love is an emotion which needs to be felt before it is acted upon. And perhaps this core of love as an emotion is more important that exactly which types of action you use to display it.

 OYF126: Post Infidelity Stress Disorder | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 24:58

Dealing with a betrayal in your marriage can be as painful and world-shaking as recovering from post traumatic stress disorder. Betrayed spouses often feel intense fear, anger, sorrow and rage, while reliving the painful memories and withdrawing into themselves emotionally. Betrayal shakes us to our very core, making us question the basic assumptions we have about life like "I can trust my spouse" and "I am safe". These fundamental truths which we need to function are suddenly pulled out from under us, leaving us stunned and unsure how to recover. Counseling can help you face the trauma that a betrayal causes and work through three important steps— re-establishing your safety, consciously deciding to remain in the relationship, and working towards healing and reconciliation through forgiveness.

 OYF125: When to Leave (or Stay In) an Abusive Marriage [3 of 3] | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 27:42

Deciding whether to leave an abusive marriage or stay in the hope that things improve can be one of the hardest decisions you ever have to make. Research shows that a decision to stay can be influenced by your attachment to your partner and your belief that he can change, as well as the fear of retribution and whether you have adequate support in place to cope after leaving. Deciding to leave can often be based on fears for your safety or that of your children. Spotting when abuse is escalating or when your partner's behavior poses a threat to your life can be a clear sign that it's time to call it quits. Whichever path you choose, research shows that making a definitive decision leads to far better outcomes than going back and forth between leaving and returning. Whether you decide to stay or leave it's important to frame it as your choice to make based on your own freedom and strength.

 OYF124: Can Abusive Husbands Change? [2 of 3] | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 32:30

If you are in an abusive marriage you may be wondering whether your husband can ever change. Should you stick it out in the hope things will get better or are some problems too deeply ingrained to ever fully go away? Research shows that physical abuse can be stopped through effective counseling and interventions, but that emotional abuse is harder to eliminate. Findings also show that your own predictions of whether your marriage can recover are accurate more often than not. If you want to try and improve things in an abusive marriage there are steps you can take to minimize the effect of abuse on your life, re-invent the terms of the relationship and take back control.

 OYF123: Is My Husband Abusive? [1 of 3] | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 26:09

An abusive marriage can be one of the worst situations you can find yourself in. But abuse isn't always as obvious and direct as a balled up fist. There are lots of situations which should be labeled as abuse which aren't, and some situations which are incorrectly assumed to be abusive in nature. In this, the first part of our mini-series of episodes on abuse, we look at how to identify and define different forms of abusive behavior. Abuse can include any form of physical violence and a whole range of emotional and psychological behaviors. This can include insults, forcing your partner to be isolated or subservient, belittling their opinions or controlling different aspects of their life. There are also three important criteria to separate isolated incidents of bad behavior from full-on abuse: it has to be recurring, it has to include more than one type of action, and it has to be displayed without awareness, accepting responsibility or any willingness to change.

 OYF122: Stop Bottling Up Stuff In Your Marriage | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 24:25

How do you approach conflict in your marriage? Many people feel it's best not to rock the boat and so bottle up all their issues and grievances. But research shows that avoiding conflict rarely works like we hope it would. Trying to avoiding conflict with your spouse might be the easy option but it means that you'll never grow as a couple, and bottling everything up means you're more likely to explode when the arguments do inevitably come. God's idea of marriage is that we build each other up and bring each other closer to Christ, and this is not served by ducking out of those important but uncomfortable conversations. Is there a healthier way to approach conflict? Instead of keeping everything inside until we burst we need to learn to address conflict in a positive and constructive way. This means learning healthy conflict resolution skills for the day to day issues of marriage and finding ways to address and accept those differences which we cannot change.

 OYF121: Emotional Intimacy is the Key to Great Sex | File Type: audio/mpeg | Duration: 37:18

What do you do when you want to spice up your sex life? We usually start thinking about new positions, or lingerie, or maybe traveling to some exotic location with our spouse. Physical things. But what if the key to great sex was found in a completely different dimension? The research we’re looking at today will actually have a profound impact on the whole scope of your married life. So this is definitely going to be a pivotal topic for many couples who are reading. What we’re going to see is that the quality and nature of your attachment to your spouse has the largest impact on your sexual satisfaction.

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