Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast

Sun Quan and Liu Bei are now brothers-in-law as the fake wedding becomes real. * Transcript * Map of Key Locations * Graph of Key Characters and Relationships Transcript PDF version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 67. Last time, Zhou Yu and Sun Quan had concocted a scheme to get Jing Province back. They heard that Liu Bei’s wife had just died, so they sent him a marriage proposal, offering him Sun Quan’s younger sister. It was plainly obvious to everyone that this was a trap, and that as soon as Liu Bei showed up in the Southlands for his wedding, he was going to be taken hostage and ransomed for Jing Province. In spite of this, Zhuge Liang told him he should go. So despite his reservations, Liu Bei, accompanied by the general Zhao Yun, 500 soldiers, and three silk pouches containing strategies from Zhuge Liang, went to the city of Nanxu (2,2) to meet Sun Quan. But when they got there, instead of directly going to see Sun Quan, they first paid State Elder Qiao (2) a visit and told HIM about the pending nuptials. State Elder Qiao then went to congratulate Madame Wu, mother of the bride. Except she knew nothing about this, since Sun Quan concocted this whole scheme without telling her, figuring there was no need since the marriage proposal was just a sham anyway. So you can imagine Madame Wu’s reaction. She sent someone to fetch Sun Quan. At the same time, she also sent some servants out into the city to see if the gossip on the streets confirmed what she had been told. Soon, the servants returned from the streets and said, “It’s true. Your future son-in-law is already resting at the guest house. His 500 soldiers are purchasing pigs, goats, and fruits in the city, making preparations for the wedding. The matchmakers are Lü Fan on the bride’s side, and Liu Bei’s adviser Sun Qian on the groom’s side. They are welcoming Liu Bei at the guest house right now.”   Madame Wu was startled. Momentarily, Sun Quan came in to see her. As soon as she saw him, she beat her chest and wept loudly. “Mother, what is troubling you?” an alarmed Sun Quan asked. “I must be nothing to you! When my sister was dying, what did she tell you?!” And in case you forgot, Madame Wu’s sister was Sun Quan’s real mother. Both of women married Sun Quan’s father, and when Sun Quan’s mom was dying, she told him to treat her sister, our current Madame Wu, as if she were his mother. “Mother, if something is bothering you, tell me what it is. There is no need for this!” a stunned Sun Quan said. “When sons and daughters are grown, it is only right that they should marry. Thus has been the norm since antiquity. But I am your mother, so matters of marriage should be decided by me. Why did you not tell me that you offered your sister’s hand in marriage to Liu Bei? She is MY daugher!” “Wh … where did you get that idea?” “If you don’t want something to be known, don’t do it. Every civilian in this city knows about this. Except me!” And now, State Elder Qiao chimed in and piled on. “I have known about it for days, and I came to offer my congratulations to the queen mother.”   Busted like a little kid who just got caught doing something bad, Sun Quan had no choice but to come clean. “You’re mistaken,” he told his mom. “This is Zhou Yu’s scheme to get Jing Province. We are using the marriage as bait to lure Liu Bei here, hold him hostage,

ROTK goes in search of higher TV ratings: Several role players get killed off, and we have a surprise marriage proposal. * Transcript * Map of Key Locations * Graph of Key Characters Transcript PDF version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 66. Last time, we left off with Sun Quan and the Dongwu forces bogged down outside the key city of Hefei (2,2), which was being defended by three of Cao Cao’s veteran generals — Zhang Liao, Li Dian, and Yue (4) Jin (4). Sun Quan had just lost a battle, and one of his bodyguards was killed in the fighting, which made him very sad. After Sun Quan returned to camp following his defeat, one of his top generals, Taishi Ci, came to see him with a plan. “One of my soldiers, a man named Ge (1) Ding (4), has a sworn brother who is a stablehand for Zhang Liao,” Taishi Ci said. “The stablehand was admonished by Zhang Liao and is holding a grudge, so he sent word to us tonight that he’s willing to start a fire in the city and assassinate Zhang Liao. I would like to lead some troops to back him up.” “Where is Ge (1) Ding (4) now?” Sun Quan asked. “He has already sneaked into the city,” Taishi Ci answered. “I would like to take 5,000 soldiers on this mission.” However, one of Sun Quan’s advisers, Zhuge Jin (3), advised caution. “Zhang Liao is crafty. He might be prepared. We must not act rashly,” he said. However, Taishi Ci insisted on going, and Sun Quan, lusting after some revenge for his dead bodyguard, signed off on the mission, so Taishi Ci took 5,000 men and waited for the fire from inside the city.   As for his inside men, Taishi Ci’s soldier, Ge (1) Ding (4), had sneaked into the city with Zhang Liao’s troops after that day’s battle. He found his sworn brother, the stablehand, and hashed out the plan. “I have already sent word to General Taishi Ci, and he will bring backup tonight,” Ge Ding said. “How do you intend to proceed?” “The stable is relatively far from the center of the army,” the stablehand replied. “I’ll set the horse feed on fire. You go out and start yelling that the troops inside the city are rebelling, and I will assassinate Zhang Liao in the chaos. Once he’s dead, the rest of the troops will flee.” And so it was settled. That night, Zhang Liao returned to the city fresh off his victory and rewarded the troops, but he also ordered that they must sleep in their armor. “We just won a battle today, and the enemy has fallen back a good distance. Why do you not allow the men to remove their armor and rest?” his staff asked. “A commander must be neither too happy about victories nor too concerned about defeats,” Zhang Liao said. “What if Dongwu tries a sneak attack while our guard is down? We must be even more careful tonight than usual.”   Well, turns out he was right. Zhang Liao had barely finished speaking when a fire broke out in the rear of his camp, accompanied by cries of rebellion. Urgent reports streamed in, one after another. Zhang Liao quickly mounted his horse, summoned a dozen or so officers to accompany him, and stood on the main street. “The situation sounds dire! We must go investigate!” his men said. “It’s impossible that the entire city would be rebelling,” Zhang Liao said. “This is just the rebels trying to startle our soldiers. If anyone panics, execute them at once!” Momentarily, the general Li Dian arrived with the two conspirators i...

After seeing his colleagues each conquer a county, Guan Yu wants in on the action, but an “old pawn” stands in his way. * Transcript * Map of Key Locations * Graph of Key Characters and Relationships Transcript PDF version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 65. Before we pick up where we left off, I would like to encourage those of you who have not rated the podcast on iTunes to take a minute and do that, so as to help others discover the show. And as always, thank you for your support!   So, last time, Zhang Fei had just conquered the county of Wuling (3,2) and sent word to Liu Bei. Liu Bei personally traveled to the city to make nice with the locals. He then sent a letter to his brother Guan Yu, who had been staying behind to defend Jing Province while Liu Bei went out a-conquerin’. The letter told Guan Yu that, hey, your buddies Zhang Fei and Zhao Yun have each conquered a county. And you can guess Guan Yu’s reaction. A letter from Guan Yu soon arrived in Liu Bei’s hands. It said, “I have heard that the county of Changsha (2,1) has yet to be taken. If you do not think me unworthy, please allow me to render this service to you.” Liu Bei was delighted when he read the letter, so he sent Zhang Fei to take Guan Yu’s place in Jing Province and ordered Guan Yu to take Changsha. Before heading to Changsha, Guan Yu went to Wuling (3,2) to see Liu Bei and Zhuge Liang. “When General Zhao took Guiyang and General Zhang took Wuling, they each had 3,000 troops,” Zhuge Liang said to Guan Yu. “Changsha’s governor, Han (2) Xuan (2), is of no concern, but he has a valiant general named Huang (2) Zhong (1). He served as a corps commander under Liu Biao and helped Liu Biao’s nephew oversee Changsha before serving Han (2) Xuan (2). Even though he is nearing 60, he is still extremely valiant and must not be underestimated. General Guan, you must take more troops with you.” “Master Zhuge, why do you play up others’ mettle and dampen our own spirit?” Guan Yu asked. “What is there to worry about with a mere old pawn? I don’t even need 3,000 men. I will just take the 500 swordsmen under my command, and I guarantee that I will bring you the heads of Huang Zhong and Han (2) Xuan (2).” Liu Bei tried time and again to convince Guan Yu to reconsider, but Guan Yu refused to budge and went off with his 500 swordsmen. After he left, Zhuge Liang said to Liu Bei, “General Guan underestimates Huang Zhong. Your lordship should go reinforce him, just in case.” Liu Bei agreed and led some troops toward Changsha after Guan Yu.   Meanwhile in Changsha, the governor, Han Xuan, was not a popular man at all. He had an unstable temper and had a hairy trigger on the executioner’s axe, qualities that did not endear him to the people of the county. When he heard that Guan Yu was approaching, he met with Huang Zhong to discuss how to repel the enemy. “My lord, have no worries,” Huang Zhong said. “On the strength of my saber and my bow, I will slay every enemy that comes this way!” And apparently Huang Zhong was not making an idle boast. One popular trope in ancient Chinese stories is the old general who refuses to bow to his age, and Huang Zhong filled this role perfectly. He was strong enough to pull a 250-pound bow and was deadly accurate with his shot. Someone else, though, did make an idle boast. It was an officer named Yang (2) Ling (2). He stepped up and said,

While Dongwu and Cao Cao are busy fighting each other, Liu Bei expands his sphere of influence. * Transcript * Map of Key Locations * Graph of Key Characters Transcript PDF Version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 64. Last time, Zhou Yu had defeated Cao Ren’s forces and was just about to celebrate by walking into his newly captured city of Nanjun when lo and behold, Liu Bei and Zhuge Liang beat him to the punch and captured the city while he was busy defeating the enemy. Not only that, Zhuge Liang also took the opportunity to capture two other key locations, Jing Province and Xiangyang, without much effort. Zhou Yu was incensed, but before he could get around to launching an attack against Liu Bei, he was ordered by his master, Sun Quan, to return home and send reinforcements to help Sun Quan with his siege on the city of Hefei (2,2), which was under Cao Cao’s control. We’ll leave Dongwu’s campaign for now and turn our attention to Liu Bei, who was riding high after capturing three strongholds in Jing Province. After all, it had been a long, long time since he had tasted so much success. But he wasn’t about to rest on his laurels. Instead, he started to talk with his staff about their next step. One of Liu Bei’s old acquaintances now came in to offer some advice. It was Yi (1) Ji (2), the guy who twice saved Liu Bei from plots to kill him when he was seeking refuge in Jing Province. Liu Bei was quite happy to see Yi (1) Ji (2) and showed him a great deal of deference, offering him a seat as they talked. “My lord, if you wish to know what your grand plan for Jing Province should be, why not seek out talented men and ask them?” Yi Ji said. “Where might I find such men?” “The Ma (3) family of Jing Province has five brothers, all of whom are well known. The youngest is named Ma (3) Su (4). The eldest and most talented is named Ma Liang (2). He has white hairs in his eyebrows. There’s a saying around these parts: ‘Of the five Ma brothers, the best is the white brow.’ Why not seek him out for advice?”   So Liu Bei sent someone to invite Ma Liang, and when he arrived, Liu Bei treated him with respect and asked him for advice on maintaining control of Jing Province. “The province is surrounded by enemies on all sides,” Ma Liang said. “It is a difficult place to defend long term. You can leave Liu Qi here to recover from his illness and recruit members of his former staff to help defend the province. Send a memorial to the emperor asking that Liu Qi be made the imperial protector of Jing Province so as to make the people feel secure. Then, march south and conquer the counties of Wuling (3,2), Changsha (2,1), Guiyang (4,2), and Lingling (2,2). Use their wealth and grains as your foundation. This is a plan for the long run.” Liu Bei was delighted by this idea and asked Ma Liang which of the four counties he should attack first. “Lingling (2,2) is the closest and can be taken first,” Ma Liang answered. “Then take Wuling (3,2), followed by Guiyang (4,2) and finally Changsha (2,1).”   Liu Bei then appointed Ma Liang as the assistant to the imperial protector, with Yi Ji serving as the assistant to the assistant. He and Zhuge Liang then decided to send Liu Qi back to Xiangyang and summon Guan Yu, who was presently stationed in Xiangyang, to Jing Province. Once he was there, they put him in charge of defending Jing Province,

Zhou Yu fools Cao Ren; Cao Ren fools Zhou Yu; Zhou Yu fools Cao Ren again; Zhuge Liang fools everyone; Zhou Yu bursts a blood vessel. * Transcript * Map of Key Locations * Graph of Key Characters and Relationships Transcript PDF version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 63. First, I want to wish everyone a happy new year. Yes, we’re well into January, but the show was on its regularly scheduled break last week. So let me take this opportunity to say thank you for all your support in 2015, and here’s to even greater things in 2016.   So when we left off last time, Cao Cao had retreated from the South, and both the forces of Dongwu and Liu Bei were setting their sights on his holdings in Jing Province. First up was the city of Nanjun (2,4), which was defended by Cao Ren, one of Cao Cao’s most trusted generals. The problem was that there was only one Nanjun, and both Dongwu and Liu Bei wanted it. Zhou Yu, the commander of the Dongwu forces, reached an agreement with Liu Bei that Dongwu would get first crack at the city. If Dongwu could not take it, then Liu Bei was free to try. Of course, Zhou Yu only agreed to this because he figured taking the city would be easy and that Liu Bei would never even get the chance to try. Unfortunately for Zhou Yu, it turned out to be not so easy. While he was stalled outside Nanjun, Zhou Yu got more bad news. He had sent one of his top generals, Gan Ning, to attack the nearby city of Yiling (1,2) so as to isolate Nanjun. Gan Ning took Yiling (1,2) easily enough, but then was trapped inside that city by enemy reinforcements. When word of this reached Zhou Yu, he wanted to go rescue Gan Ning, but he was also worried about the enemy inside Nanjun taking advantage of his absence and attacking while his back was turned. At this point, one of his officers, Lü (3) Meng, boldly stepped up and … volunteered a fellow officer for the task of holding down the fort. “We can leave General Ling (2) Tong (3) in charge here,” Lu Meng said. “Then I will serve as the vanguard of the relief force, while you, commander, follow with the main army. We will be victorious within 10 days.” “General Ling, are you willing to assume my post here?” Zhou Yu asked Ling Tong. “For 10 days, yes. Beyond 10 days, I dare not,” Ling Tong answered.   Ling Tong didn’t exactly sound like he was brimming with confidence, but it was good enough for Zhou Yu. He left Ling Tong with about 10,000 troops to defend the camp outside Nanjun, and then set off with the main army toward Yiling (1,2). Along the way, Lü Meng offered up another idea. “There is a backroad to the south of Yiling (1,2) that easily connects to Nanjun,” he said. “We should send 500 soldiers there to cut down trees and block that path. When the enemy is defeated, they will surely flee in that direction. When their path is blocked by the trees, they will abandon their horses and continue on foot, and then their horses will be ours.” Zhou Yu agreed and sent some troops to carry out this plan. When the main army arrived at Yiling, Zhou Yu tasked the general Zhou (1) Tai (4) with fighting through the ring of enemy troops around the city to deliver word to their comrades inside. Wielding his blade, Zhou Tai galloped into the fray and slashed his way to the foot of the city, where Gan Ning came out to meet him. Once Zhou Tai briefed him, Gan Ning immediately ordered his troops to pack up, eat a full meal,

Routed and trapped, Cao Cao and his haggard troops throw themselves at the mercy of the man blocking their path. * Transcript * Map of Key Locations * Graph of Key Characters and Relationships Transcript PDF version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 62. Last time, Cao Cao’s dreams of conquering the South had gone up in flames along with his fleet and his army at the Battle of Red Cliff. He had come South with an army of 830,000, but now, he was fleeing with only about 300 men. And every time he felt safe enough to start feeling smug about how he was still a notch smarter than Zhou Yu and Zhuge Liang, he was promptly sent running again by an ambush. And now, just as he was mocking his foes for not laying a trap for him at the narrow path of Huarong Trail, he was greeted by Guan Yu, who had been waiting there on Zhuge Liang’s orders. “With things as they are, we have no choice but to fight for our lives!” Cao Cao told his men. But to this, his generals were all like, “We love to … but …” “Even though we are able to fight, our horses are too exhausted. They cannot go into battle again,” they told him. One of Cao Cao’s advisers, Cheng Yu, suggested a different tact. “I know that Guan Yu disdains the high and mighty but pities the lowly; he is short with the strong but does not bully the weak. He draws a clear line between obligation and enmity, and is a man of good faith and honor. Your excellency once bestowed kindness upon him. If you remind him of that now, you could escape this calamity.”   Well, at this point, Cao Cao really had nothing to lose by trying, so he figured, what the heck. He rode forward alone and bowed to Guan Yu from atop his horse. “General, how have you been?” Guan Yu bowed in return and said, “I have been waiting here for your excellency on orders from my military adviser.” In other words, I’ve got a job to do, so don’t try to talk your way out of this one. “I have been defeated and my troops are in dire straits,” Cao Cao said. “We have no way out. I hope, general, that our past ties still mean something to you.” “Even though I did receive great kindness from your excellency in the past, I have already repaid you by slaying Yan Liang and Wen Chou and relieving the siege of Baima (2,3),” Guan Yu answered. “As for the matter at hand, how can I dare to allow personal ties trump state business?” Ok, so good so far for Guan Yu. He’s not wavering in the face of Cao Cao’s appeal. But Cao Cao wasn’t just about to roll over and give up. “Do you still remember when you stormed through five checkpoints and killed six of my officers?” Cao Cao asked. “A man must place good faith and honor above all else. You have a deep understanding of the Spring and Autumn Annals. Do you not know the story of Yugong (2,1) Zhizi (1,3) pursuing Zizhuo (3,4) Ruzi (2,3)?”   Whoa there, Cao Cao. Slow down with the cultural references! So the Spring and Autumn Annals is a history about the Spring and Autumn Period. If you have been paying any attention at all in our podcast, you would know that this is a period whose characters and stories have a dramatic influence over the culture and characters in our novel. Guan Yu, in particular, has boasted on multiple occasions about how he is well-versed in this history. Now, as for the particular story that Cao Cao cites here both Yugong (2,1) Zhizi (1,

A little Christmas morning stocking stuffer: A look at some of the guys that Zhuge Liang keeps getting compared to. * Transcript Transcript PDF version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is a supplemental episode. In this episode, I want to introduce you to a few of the legendary advisers in Chinese history. I’m going to cover four guys: Jiang (1) Ziya (3,2), Zhang (1) Liang (2), Guan (3) Zhong (4), and Yue (4) Yi (4). Ever since we were introduced to Zhuge Liang in the novel, we have been hearing a lot of comparisons to these guys, so I think it would be helpful to give you some context about who they were.   First, let’s talk about Jiang Ziya, the earliest of the four. He lived at the end of the Shang Dynasty, around the 1100s B.C. The Shang was considered the second Chinese dynasty, although it is the first dynasty for which we have solid evidence of its existence. The Shang was said to have lasted something like 700 years, but by the time of JIang Ziya, it was fading fast. According to some versions of his story, Jiang Ziya supposedly served in the court of the last king of the Shang for a while, but left because of the king’s wicked ways. From there, he was said to have traveled near and far to the surrounding kingdoms, but none of their rulers really made much use of him. Before you know it, Jiang Ziya was an old man who had accomplished little and was living in poverty. Meanwhile, one of the vassals of the Shang, King Wen (2) of the kingdom of Zhou, was in the midst of searching for talented men. As the story goes, one day, before the king went out hunting, he took the auspices, and the diviner informed him that on the north bank of the Wei (4) River, he would net a big catch, but that this catch would not be in the form of a dragon, a tiger, or a bear. Instead, he was told, he would find an official who would help him achieve his grand plans. So King Wen (2) went off on his hunt, and on the north bank of the Wei (4) River, he came upon an old man sitting on a grass mat and fishing. King Wen noticed something odd about the old man’s fishing line. At the end of the line was not a hook, but a straight needle, or according to some version of the story, nothing at all. This obviously was not going to snag any fish. Intrigued, the king asked the old man about his strange method of fishing. This old man, who of course, was none other than JIang Ziya, replied, “Those who are ready will come to me on their own volition.” He then added, “The willing will come; the unwilling will go away.” When the king heard this, he couldn’t quite shake the feeling that the old man was maybe not talking so much about fish as he was about the king. So he began to converse with Jiang Ziya and soon recognized that he was talking to a man possessing great political and military knowledge. So the king asked Jiang Ziya to be his teacher. To show his respect, the king asked Jiang Ziya to sit in his chariot, then personally drove the chariot back to his capital, where he made Jiang Ziya his prime minister. King Wen’s faith in Jiang Ziya was not misplaced. After King Wen died, his son, King Wu (3), came the throne and decided to overthrow the Shang Dynasty. Jiang Ziya was his main strategist in the ensuing war and was instrumental in the eventual victory that marked the beginning of the Zhou Dynasty, which would last about 800 years. For his contributions, Jiang Ziya was made the ruler of the vassal kingdom of Qi (2), and he ruled that territory wisely and made it prosper. To this day, Jiang Ziya is something of a revered, half-mythical figure in China,

The Battle of Red Cliffs goes badly for Cao Cao, but he still finds reasons to feel smug, much to his men’s chagrin. * Transcript * Map of Key Locations * Graph of Key Characters and Relationships Transcript PDF version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 61. Last time, we set the board for the coming Battle of Chibi (4,4), or Red Cliff. Zhou Yu had planned a fire attack. Pang (2) Tong (3), aka Master Young Phoenix, had talked Cao Cao into tying his ships together in the name of stability, but that also ensured they won’t be able to just sail away from the fire. The general Huang Gai was to head to Cao Cao’s camp under the pretension of defection and start the fire. Zhuge Liang had summoned the southeastern winds to make sure the fire moves in the right direction, and both the forces of Dongwu and Liu Bei were set up to cut off any reinforcements for Cao Cao on land while taking bites out of his troops once he’s on the run. So everything looked good on paper. And now, it was time to actually execute the plan. Let’s start in Zhou Yu’s camp on the south bank of the river. As evening descended, Zhou Yu summoned Cai (4) He (2), one of the fake defectors that Cao Cao had sent to serve as spies. Zhou Yu ordered the guards to tie him up. Cai He protested and claimed innocence, but Zhou Yu scoffed. “Who do you think you are? How dare you pretend to defect to me? I am missing an appropriate sacrifice for my banner, so I am borrowing your head.” Knowing that the jig is up, Cai He decided that if he was going down, he was going to take everyone down with him. “Two of your own people, Kan (4) Ze (2) and Gan (1) Ning (2), were my accomplices!” he shouted. Well, the joke was on him, as Zhou Yu revealed that those two guys were just leading him on. Cai He had nothing but regret at this point, and Zhou Yu ordered the executioners to drag him to the foot of the banner on the bank of the river. There, Zhou Yu poured wine and burned paper money as a sacrifice, and then his executioners lopped off Cai He’s head and they offered his blood to the banner to ensure good fortune in the coming battle. This gory business done, Zhou Yu sent out the word, and his ships moved out according to plan.   At the front of the fleet were Huang Gai’s 20 boats filled with fire-starting material. Huang Gai himself stood on the third boat, wearing a chestplate and carrying a sharp knife. His banner was adorned with the giant words “Vanguard General Huang Gai”. With the wind at his back, Huang Gai set sail toward Red Cliff. The wind was raging, and the waves surged. On the other side of the river, Cao Cao peered out over the river from the center of his navy. The reflection of the rising moon flickered across the water, turning the river into myriad golden serpents rolling and sporting amidst the waves. As the wind blew in his face, Cao Cao laughed loudly in anticipation of his coming victory. Suddenly, one of the soldiers pointed and said, “I see a fleet coming into view from the south, with the wind at its back.” Cao Cao sent scouts to take a look from a high vantage point, and they reported back that they boats carried blue flags, including a big one that bore Huang Gai’s name. At this, Cao Cao laughed again. “General Huang’s defection is a sign that heaven is on my side!” he said. As the oncoming boats drew closer, one of Cao Cao’s advisers, Cheng (2) Yu (4),

After Zhuge Liang moves heaven and earth, Zhou Yu and Liu Bei move their troops into position for the coming battle. * Transcript * Map of Key Locations * Graph of Key Characters and Relationships Transcript PDF version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 60. Last time, a banner fluttering in the wind grazed Zhou Yu’s face, and next thing you know, he was spitting up blood and passing out. None of his men knew what was wrong with him, but Zhuge Liang boasted that he could cure Zhou Yu. So he went to the commander’s tent to pay him a visit. “I haven’t seen you in a while, but I never imagined your precious health would be failing,” Zhuge Liang said. “A man’s luck can change in the course of a day. Who can foretell what will happen?” Zhou Yu lamented. “Yes, just as the weather can change when least expected. You can never tell,” Zhuge Liang said with a smile. Hmm, funny Zhuge Liang should put it that way. When he heard those words, Zhou Yu’s face lost its color and he moaned. “Commander, do you feel vexation gathering inside you?” Zhuge Liang asked. “Yes.” “You must take a cooling tonic for it.” “I have already taken it, but it did nothing.” “You must first regulate your vital ethers,” Zhuge Liang said. “When the vital ethers are flowing smoothly and in the right direction, then your health will naturally be restored in a matter of moments.” Hmm … flowing in the right direction, eh? Zhou Yu was beginning to get the sense that Zhuge Liang knew what was eating at him, so he tried to steer the conversation that way. “What medicine would you recommend to get the vital ethers flowing in the proper direction?” “I have a prescription that will take care of it,” Zhuge Liang said with a smile. “Please do tell.”   Zhuge Liang asked for brush and paper and dismissed everyone else. He then wrote 16 words for Zhou Yu’s eyes only. He then handed it to Zhou Yu and said, “This is the cause of your illness.” Zhou Yu took a look and was astonished. The paper read:   To break Cao Cao, With fire we attack. All is ready, save Southeast wind we lack!   So do you remember what Cao Cao had said in the last episode about a fire attack? This was the height of winter, and all the winds that were blowing across the river were coming from the northwest. If Zhou Yu tried to start a fire in these conditions, the flames would turn back on his own fleet instead, turning all his carefully laid plans into a disaster. “Zhuge Liang is incredible indeed!” Zhou Yu thought to himself with amazement. “He already knew what’s on my mind. I might as well come clean.” So he smiled and said, “Sir, since you already know the cause of my illness, what is  your prescription? The situation is urgent. I pray you will enlighten me.” “Although I am untalented,” Zhuge Liang replied, “I once met an extraordinary man who passed on to me occult texts for reading the numerology of the heavens. This method can be used to summon wind and rain. When you wish to have southeastern wind, build an altar on the Southern Screen Hills and call it the Altar of the Seven Stars. It should be nine spans tall, with three levels. Have 120 men carry flags and surround the altar. I shall ascend the altar and invoke magic to borrow a...

Delighted by his invincible fleet and moved by the scenery, Cao Cao shows off his literary chops … until someone decided to play critic. * Transcript * No new graph of key characters and relationships, since we meet no new characters this week * Still no new map this week; we’re still just parked on the river Cao Cao rhapsodizing at the feast. Transcript PDF version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 59. Last time, Pang Tong, AKA Young Phoenix, had just convinced Cao Cao that to prevent his troops from getting seasick, he should tie all his ships together. Cao Cao was ecstatic at this wonderful idea, so ecstatic that he overlooked the fact that this also made his fleet that much more susceptible to a fire attack. But Pang Tong was not finished doing favors for Cao Cao just yet. He then told Cao Cao, “In my opinion, many of the talented men from Dong Wu are mad at Zhou Yu. I can go persuade them to defect to your excellency. That would leave Zhou Yu isolated and helpless, and you will capture him for sure. Once Zhou Yu is defeated, Liu Bei would be powerless.” “If you can do that, sir, then I will report your merits to the emperor and have you appointed to one of the top ministerial posts at court,” Cao Cao said happily. “I am not doing this for money,” Pang Tong said. “I am trying to save civilian lives. WHen you excellency crosses the river, please do not harm them.” “I act on behalf of heaven; how can I bear to harm the people?” Cao Cao said. Pang Tong, though, asked for this assurance in writing so as to have something to protect his clan, which he told Cao Cao was living on the river bank. Cao Cao happily consented and wrote an official edict guaranteeing the safety of the people of Dong Wu. Pang Tong took this edict, thanked Cao Cao, and said, “After I leave, your excellency must attack soon. Don’t let Zhou Yu catch on.” Cao Cao said of course, and Pang Tong took his leave. He went back to the bank and was just about to hop on his boat when a man wearing a Daoist robe and a bamboo hat suddenly grabbed him from behind. “You’ve got some gall,” this man said. “First Huang Gai lets himself be beaten, then Kan Ze delivers a fake defection note, and now you come to tell Cao Cao to link his ships. You want to make sure that fire consumes every last thing, don’t you? Your vicious schemes may fool Cao Cao, but not me!” Those words scared Pang Tong out of his mind for a brief second, but when he turned and saw who it was, he relaxed. It was Xu (2) Shu (4), Liu Bei’s former adviser who was forced to go to Cao Cao when Cao Cao held his mom hostage. Xu Shu and Pang Tong were no strangers to each other, as they all ran in the same circles back in the day. Looking around to make sure there was no one else present, Pang Tong said to his friend, “If you expose my scheme, you will have doomed the civilians of Dong Wu.” “Well, what about the lives of the 830,000 men here?” Xu Shu asked with a smile. “Are you really going to expose my scheme?” “I received tremendous kindness from the imperial uncle and have not been able to repay him. Besides, Cao Cao sent my mother to her death, and I have sworn to never offer a single idea to him. So why would I foil your brilliant idea? However, I am here with Cao Cao’s forces. Once he’s defeated, the soldiers of Dong Wu will not be too discriminating about whom to kill and whom to sp...

Zhou Yu and a couple other wise men of Dongwu spin an elaborate ruse for Cao Cao to faceplant into. * Transcript * Graph of Key Characters and Relationships * No new map this week; we’re still camped out in the Three Rivers area. Transcript PDF version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 58. Last time, with his army in a staredown against Dong Wu’s forces on opposite sides of the Yangzi River, Cao Cao sent two low-level officers to pretend to defect to Dong Wu so as to act as spies. Dong Wu’s commander, Zhou Yu, was not fooled but played along. He and the old general Huang (2) Gai (4) then planned to have Huang Gai pretend to defect in order to carry out an attack by fire against Cao Cao. To make this happen though, they had to convince Cao Cao that Huang Gai was defecting for real, so Zhou Yu found some excuse to give Huang Gai a vicious public beating. After that beating, Zhou Yu’s confidant Lu Su went to see Zhuge Liang and asked why he did not intercede on Huang Gai’s behalf when Zhou Yu was doling out his punishment. Zhuge Liang, however, saw through the charade and explained to Lu Su that he did not want to get in the way of Zhou Yu’s scheme. He also asked Lu Su to not tell Zhou Yu that he had seen through the scheme, since the last time that happened, Zhou Yu tried to find an excuse to kill him. After Lu Su took his leave of Zhuge Liang, he went to see Zhou Yu in his tent and asked, “Why did you come down so hard on General Huang today?” “Are the other officers grumbling about me?” Zhou Yu asked. “They are mostly unsettled,” Lu Su answered. “What about Zhuge Liang?” “He also complained about how uncompassionate you were,” Lu Su said, keeping his promise to Zhuge Liang this time. “So I’ve fooled him as well this time,” Zhou Yu smiled. “What do you mean?” Lu Su asked. “My beating Huang Gai today was a scheme. I want to have him pretend to defect, so I must first make him suffer so as to fool Cao Cao. Then we will have the opportunity to launch a fire attack and come out victorious.” At this point, Lu Su was secretly impressed with Zhuge Liang’s keen insight into Zhou Yu’s mind, but he did not say anything, lest Zhou Yu’s blood starts to boil again and he starts getting more ideas about killing his supposed allies.   Now let’s check in on the guy who received the beating. As he laid in his tent recovering from his wounds, Huang Gai received visits from all his fellow officers. When they inquired how he was doing, he did not say anything and just let out some deep sighs. Then, his men said that an adviser named Kan (4) Ze (2)had come to visit. Huang Gai immediately invited him in and dismissed everyone else. Now, this Kan (4) Ze (2) was a good friend of Huang Gai’s. He grew up poor but was very studious. When he did work for other people to scrounge a living, he would often borrow their books. He only needed to read a book once, and he would be able to memorize the whole thing. He was also an eloquent speaker and had been a courageous man ever since his youth. Seeing his talents, Sun Quan retained him as a consultant. So Kan (4) Ze (2) came in and asked Huang Gai, “General, was there bad blood between you and Commander Zhou?” “No.” “Then … was your punishment part of a scheme?” “How could you tell?” “I guessed as much from Commander Zhou’s expression.” “I have received great kindness from three generations of our lord’s family and have no way to repay him,” Huang Gai said.

Zhou Yu presents Zhuge Liang with an invented problem. Zhuge Liang delivers an outside-the-box answer. * Transcript * Graph of Key Characters and Relationships * Text of the poem about the fog on the Yangzi River * No new map this week since we are still sitting in the Three Rivers area Transcript PDF version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 57. Last time, Zhou Yu had just tricked Jiang Gan, an envoy from Cao Cao, into thinking that he had uncovered a conspiracy within his own ranks. As a result, Cao Cao executed his naval commanders Cai Mao and Zhang Yun, the two guys whose knowledge of naval warfare was keeping Zhou Yu awake at night. But Zhou Yu had hardly finished patting himself on the back when he couldn’t help but wonder if Zhuge Liang saw through his little trick. So he sent his friend and adviser, Lu Su, to see. Lu Su went to Zhuge Liang’s little boat. Zhuge Liang welcomed him into the boat, and once they sat down, Lu Su said, “I have been too busy with military matters to come receive your instruction.” “On the contrary,” Zhuge Liang replied, “I am the tardy one. I have yet to congratulate Commander Zhou.” “Congratulate him for what?” Lu Su asked. “The thing that he sent you here to see if I know about.” “How, how do you know that?” “This scheme can only work on Jiang Gan. Although Cao Cao was momentarily fooled, he no doubt has realized his mistake. He just won’t cop up to it, that’s all. With Cai Mao and Zhang Yun dead, the Southlands have nothing to worry about. That is ample cause for congratulations. I have heard that Cao Cao has put Mao (2) Jie (4) and Yu (1) Jin (4) in charge of the navy. Those two are going to send that navy to its doom.”   This left Lu Su speechless. After a little more small talk, he took his leave. But before he left, Zhuge Liang said to him, “Please do not mention to Commander Zhou that I saw through his scheme. I worry that he might get jealous and try to harm me again.” Lu Su agreed and left. But when he went back to Zhou Yu, he promptly reported the truth, with predictable results. “We cannot leave this man alive! I am determined to kill him!” a stunned Zhou Yu said. So first, I’m not sure why Zhou Yu is so taken aback by the fact that Zhuge Liang saw through his scheme, since he was half-expecting it BEFORE he sent Lu Su to go sound out Zhuge Liang. Second, here comes that murderous impulse again. Zhou Yu just has issues with that, doesn’t he? Lu Su tried to talk him off the ledge. “If you kill Zhuge Liang, Cao Cao might laugh at us,” he said. “I will find a way to kill Zhuge Liang fairly, so that he can have no grounds for complaint,” Zhou Yu said. “What do you mean ‘fairly’?” “Don’t ask. You’ll see tomorrow.”   So, the next day, Zhou Yu invited Zhuge Liang to join a staff meeting in his tent and asked him, “We are about to engage Cao Cao’s forces. When we fight on the water, what should be our primary weapon?” “On the Yangzi River, bow and arrow should be your weapon of choice,” Zhuge Liang replied. “You took the words out of my mouth,” Zhou Yu said. “But right now, we are short on arrows. I would like to trouble you to supervise the production of 100,000 arrows for the coming battle. This is a matter that concerns the state. I hope you will not refuse.”

Zhou Yu gets visits from Liu Bei and an old school chum, and he cannot not be happier to see them. * Transcript * Map of Key Locations * Graph of Key Characters and Relationships Transcript PDF version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 56. Last time, Sun Quan had agreed to join forces with Liu Bei to resist Cao Cao. However, his field commander Zhou Yu had a strange notion of alliance, because he kept trying to kill his allies — first Zhuge Liang, and then when that failed, he set his sights on Liu Bei himself. He sent an invitation for Liu Bei to come visit his camp. During the welcome banquet, Zhou Yu was going to throw his cup as a signal for a bunch of armed soldiers to storm in and kill Liu Bei.   Liu Bei had an inkling that it could be a trap, so he brought his brother Guan Yu along. They took about 20 men with them and sailed down river toward Dongwu’s camp. As they approached the camp, Liu Bei was quite impressed by the orderly deployment of the ships and troops, which made him happy since it meant he might actually stand a chance against Cao Cao now. When Zhou Yu got word that Liu Bei had arrived, he asked how many ships he brought with him. When the answer was just one, he laughed and said, “He is destined to meet his end!” So Zhou Yu set his ambush and came out to greet Liu Bei and escorted him and his entourage to the main tent. After the usual formalities, Zhou Yu asked Liu Bei to take the first seat. “General, your name is renowned across the realm,” Liu Bei said. “How dare an unworthy man like me accept such an honor from you?” After the prerequisite back-and-forth “Oh no, I am so honored to have you here” and “No no no, I insist,” they arrived at a mutually agreeable seating chart, and the welcome banquet began. While all this was going on, Zhuge Liang happened to be in the area. When he heard that Liu Bei had come to meet with Zhou Yu, his spidey sense began to tingle and he hurried to the main tent. As he stood outside the tent and peeked in, he could see Zhou Yu’s murderous intent on his face, and oh yeah, the armed soldiers hiding behind the curtains. “What should I do about this?” Zhuge Liang thought with some panic. But just then, he glanced over at Liu Bei and saw that he was quite at ease as he talked and laughed. Behind Liu Bei stood a man with his hand on his sword. This was none other than Guan Yu. “My lord is safe,” Zhuge Liang said with relief and delight. He was so confident, in fact, that he just turned around, left the camp, and waited on the bank of the river.   As for Zhou Yu, after a few rounds of wine, he stood up to offer a toast and, presumably, to chuck his cup and spring the trap. But suddenly, he noticed the guy standing behind Liu Bei with a hand resting on his sword. He immediately asked Liu Bei who this was. “My brother Guan Yu,” Liu Bei replied. “The one who slayed Yan (2) Liang (2) and Wen (2) Chou (3)?” a surprised Zhou Yu asked. “The very same.” This answer left Zhou Yu so frightened that cold sweat rolled down his back. He kept his composure, though, and offered a toast to Guan Yu. But the whole throwing-the-cup-and-killing-Liu-Bei plan evaporated right then and there. Momentarily, Lu Su joined the banquet, and Liu Bei asked him if he could invite Zhuge Liang to the tent, but Zhou Yu again said no.

Sun Quan formally declares war on Cao Cao, while his commander Zhou Yu secretly declares war on their supposed allies. * Transcript * Map of Key Locations * Graph of Key Characters and Relationships Transcript PDF version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 55. Before we continue, I want to insert a note here that I haven’t been able to find a convenient place in the narrative to slip in. So far, I have been referring to the region occupied by Sun Quan as the Southlands. However, it’s about time that I introduce another name for this region — Dong (1) Wu (2). Dong (1) means East, and Wu (2) is the name of this general region. So the name literally means Eastern Wu. Going forward, you will hear me use both the Southlands and Dong Wu. In some cases, they are used interchangeably, but you should know that the Southlands refers to the geographical region, while Dong Wu refers to the political entity that occupies the region of the Southlands. It’s kind of like the difference between the South and the Confederacy during the American Civil War. So just try to keep those two terms and that distinction in mind as we go forward.   Alright, so last time, a few well-placed words from Zhuge Liang ticked off Zhou Yu something fierce and set him squarely against Cao Cao. So the next day Zhou Yu went before Sun Quan, broke down all the reasons why Cao Cao’s campaign is doomed, and asked Sun Quan to fight rather than surrender. Upon hearing Zhou Yu’s words, Sun Quan sprang to his feet and declared, “That old traitor has long harbored thoughts of usurpation. The only people he feared were the Yuans, Lü Bu, Liu Biao, and me. Now all the others are dead. I swear I will not share this earth with that old scoundrel!” He then said to Zhou Yu, “Your words match my thoughts exactly. Heaven must have sent you to me!” “Your servant is willing to fight to the death for you, general,” Zhou Yu said. “But I just worry that you might still harbor hesitations.” When he heard this, Sun Quan pulled out his sword and hacked off a corner of the desk in front of him. “If anyone dares to mention surrender again, let this be your fate!” he declared. He then presented the sword to Zhou Yu, appointed him as the supreme field commander, with the general Cheng Pu as the vice commander, and Lu Su, Zhou Yu’s trusted friend and colleague, as the senior military adviser. Zhou accepted the sword, turned to the gathered officials and officers and said, “At his lordship’s command, I am leading us to defeat Cao Cao. Tomorrow, everyone must gather at our headquarters on the river banks to receive their orders. Anyone who delays or interferes will be dealt with according to the laws of the seven prohibitions and 54 capital offenses.” So these seven prohibitions are broad categories like slowing down the army, stealing from the army, lying to the army, and so forth. Each category contains a number of more specific offenses, totaling 54 in all, and each of them is punishable by death. Just to give you an idea of what would cost you your head, here are a few sample offenses: Failing to advance when you hear the war drums, failing to retreat when you hear the gong, not keeping your weapons in good condition, eavesdropping on military secrets, taking advantage of civilians, complaining too much, and complaining about the commander, and, probably my favorite, looking dour. So turn that frown upside down if you want to kee...

Zhuge Liang has a little homonymical fun with Zhou Yu as they discuss whether the Southlands should fight or submit to Cao Cao. * Transcript * Text of the “Bronze Bird Tower Rhapsody” * Again, no map or key characters graph this week, as we are still in Chaisang and we don’t meet any new significant characters. Transcript PDF version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 54. Last time, Zhuge Liang had just ticked off Sun Quan by telling him that if he had any doubts about his own strength, then he should just throw in the towel now and surrender to Cao Cao. When a displeased Sun Quan asked him, “Well why doesn’t your master surrender to Cao Cao?”, Zhuge Liang basically told him, “My master is too great a man to surrender.” This slight did not go over well with Sun Quan, and he stormed off in a huff, which caused his adviser Lu (3) Su (4) to admonish Zhuge Liang for his poor choice of words. Zhuge Liang, however, simply looked up and laughed. “How can he be so intolerant? I know how to defeat Cao Cao. But he didn’t ask me, so I didn’t tell him.” “If you really have a good idea, then I will ask my lord to come seek your counsel,” Lu Su said. “Cao Cao’s millions are like ants in my eyes. I need only to raise my hand, and they would be crushed to dust.” Hearing this confident boast, Lu Su was convinced enough to go see Sun Quan, who at this time was still fuming. “Zhuge Liang went too far!” Sun Quan said angrily. “Your servant admonished him thusly, too,” Lu Su said. “But he laughed and said that your lordship was too intolerant. He knows how to defeat Cao Cao, but will not share it lightly. Your lordship should ask him.” Sun Quan’s demeanor did a 180 when he heard this. “So Zhuge Liang does have an idea! He was just inciting me with words. I almost ruined everything because of a momentary lapse in judgment.” So Sun Quan accompanied Lu Su back into the main hall and invited Zhuge Liang back in. “I recklessly sullied your great name just now; please forgive me,” Sun Quan apologized. Zhuge Liang responded magnanimously. “My words offended you. Please forgive me.” Sun Quan then invited Zhuge Liang into the private quarters and served wine.   After a few rounds of wine, Sun Quan said, “Cao Cao’s enemies included Lü Bu, Liu Biao, Yuan Shao, Yuan Shu, Lord Liu, and me. Now, everyone has been wiped out except Lord Liu and me. I must not give the Southlands over to another man’s control. Of that, I am certain. And none but Lord Liu can help me resist Cao Cao, but he has just suffered a defeat. So how can he withstand this coming calamity?” “Despite my master’s recent defeat,” Zhuge Liang said, “Guan Yu still has 10,000 crack troops, and Liu Qi has another 10,000 at Jiangxia (1,4). Cao Cao’s army is exhausted from the great distance it has traveled. When he was chasing my lord, his light cavalry traversed a hundred miles in one day. They are like an arrow at the end of its flight. It’s too weak even to pierce silk. Besides, the northerners are not used to naval warfare. The soldiers and civilians of Jing Province obey Cao Cao only out of fear, not loyalty. If you and my lord can join forces and act as one, we will defeat Cao Cao for sure. Once he is defeated, Cao Cao will no doubt retreat back to the north, leaving Jing Province and the Southlands in a strong position and bringing about a tripod balance of power. Victory or defeat rests in your hands today. It is up to you.”