Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast

Wei forces sent to stop Zhuge Liang first try to out-talk him, and then try again to outsmart him.

Matching wits with Zhuge Liang sounds like a horrible idea, but that won't stop multiple Wei officers from trying.

Zhuge Liang sends a 70-something general and a tax collector to lead the way for his Northern expedition. * Transcript * Map of Key Locations * Graph of Key Relationships Transcript PDF version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 117. Last time, with a new emperor on the throne in the kingdom of Wei and the wiley Sima Yi having been stripped of his position, Zhuge Liang sensed an opportunity to launch his long-awaited Northern expedition to conquer Wei, reunite the empire, and resurrect the glory of the House of Han. He handed out assignments to his officers and was just about to head out when an old general barged in and demanded that he receive an assignment as well. This was none other than Zhao Yun, now a senior statesman in the officer corps. Zhuge Liang tried to talk him out of it. “After I returned from pacifying the South, General Ma Chao died from illness,” he said to Zhao Yun. And yeah, Ma Chao, one of the greatest warriors in this novel, got killed off just like that, off screen with barely a mention. I always felt that he was a vastly under-utilized character. The novel built him up as this awesome warrior, but aside from one losing campaign against Cao Cao and one day-long fight against Zhang Fei, he wasn’t really used much. Seems like every time we heard him mentioned after he joined Liu Bei, he was just being tasked with minding the shop at some key defensive location. Oh well. Anyway, Zhuge Liang continued with Zhao Yun, “I regret Ma Chao’s death deeply, as though I have lost an arm. General, you are advanced in age. If something goes wrong, it would tarnish your heroic lifelong reputation and hurt our kingdom’s morale.” But yeah, that weak sauce wasn’t going to cut it with Zhao Yun. “Ever since I joined the First Emperor, I have never shirked from battle and have always led the way whenever we encountered the enemy. Fortunate is the man who gets to die on the battlefield. What regret would I have? I am willing to lead the vanguard!” So Zhao Yun is basically living up to the cliché of the stubborn old warrior who refuses to bow to age, which is ironic because a while back, he was on the other end of that equation, trying to talk old guys like Huang Zhong out of seemingly foolhardy missions to prove that they weren’t old and useless. Zhuge Liang tried time and again to change his mind, but to no avail. “If you do not make me the vanguard, then I will smash my head on these steps and die here!” Zhao Yun declared. Well, what can you really say to that? Zhuge Liang relented, but he also said, “If you want to be the vanguard, you must have someone else accompany you.” Before he was done speaking, Deng (4) Zhi (1) stepped forward and volunteered to be that someone else. Now, the last time we heard his name mentioned, Deng Zhi was in charge of tax administration. He was instrumental as an envoy who opened the negotiations that restored peace between Shu and Wu, but THIS was no negotiation. THIS was war, and Zhuge Liang was sending an old man and basically the director of the IRS to lead the front column of his army, which just sounds crazy. But he gave them 5,000 crack troops and 10 lieutenants and sent them on their way. On the day that Zhuge Liang’s army set out from the capital, the emperor Liu Shan (4) personally led all the court officials several miles...

We dive into the differences between the fictional and real-life Zhang Fei and ask, “Who really whipped that corrupt bribe-seeking government official?” * Transcript Qing Dynasty depiction of Zhang Fei (Source: Wikipedia) Transcript PDF version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is a supplemental episode. In this episode, I’m going to delve into the life of the real Shu general Zhang Fei and compare and contrast him with his fictional counterpart, who exited our narrative in episode 102. This is going to be a short episode, because compared to his sworn brothers Liu Bei and Guan Yu, there is relatively little in the historical records about Zhang Fei, but we’ll do the best we can. We don’t have a birth year for Zhang Fei, but we do know that he joined up with Liu Bei and Guan Yu in the year 184 as they raised a militia to help put down the Yellow Turban Rebellion. As we discussed in the supplemental episode on Guan Yu, the historical records say that the three of them were LIKE brothers, but there is nothing that says they were actually sworn brothers. But in any case, they were close, by all accounts. For his role in quelling the rebellion, Liu Bei was given a position as the magistrate of the county of Pingyuan (2,2) in the year 191, and Zhang Fei served on his staff. Now, in episode 2 of the podcast, we covered the incident that led to Liu Bei giving up this position. A government inspector was coming around fishing for bribes, and when the incorruptible Liu Bei refused to cave, the inspector made some nasty threats. In the novel, that turned out to be a really bad idea as Zhang Fei got wind of it and proceeded to tie the inspector to a post and whip him until Liu Bei intervened. And here’s where we run into a discrepancy between the real-life Zhang Fei and the fictional Zhang Fei. In real life, this whipping did occur, but it was not Zhang Fei who did it. So who actually did it? How about our pious and compassionate saint, Liu Bei? Yup, in real life, Liu Bei was the one who whipped the inspector, but we can’t have such an impulsive outburst staining the sterling reputation of the novel’s main protagonist and the pillar of virtue held up as the contrast to the wicked usurper Cao Cao, so let’s just attribute this beating to his sort-of sworn brother instead. It’s interesting that the novel portrays Zhang Fei as ill-tempered and quick-to-anger, because when you look at the historical records about him, there is actually relatively little there to support this depiction. Fast forward five years to 196, and we find that Liu Bei had kind of lucked into being the unofficial imperial protector of Xu Province. But while he was away on campaign, he left Zhang Fei in charge, and one of Zhang Fei’s subordinates, an officer named Cao (2) Bao (4), conspired with the warlord Lü Bu to take over the province. Zhang Fei managed to kill Cao Bao, but could not fend off Lu Bu, so he had to flee. In the novel, the cause of this coup was Zhang Fei getting drunk at a party, then getting mad at Cao Bao (4) for not drinking enough, and whipping him for the … umm … offense of not getting poop-faced at a party. So Cao Bao held a grudge and conspired with Lü Bu to get some revenge. The historical records, however, give us no information at all on why Cao Bao was mad at Zhang Fei; they just said that the two did not get along. Let’s skip forward again to the year 200. At this point,

How do you appease the angry souls of the damned? Feed them buns that look like human heads and tell them death is no escape from imperial subjugation, apparently.

After a couple more displays of over-the-top kindness by Zhuge Liang, imperial subjugation is starting to look kind of decent after all for Meng Huo.

Zhuge Liang strolls into Meng Huo’s house and makes himself at home. * Transcript * Map of Key Locations (same as the map in episode 110) * List of Key Characters Transcript PDF version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 114. Last time, Zhuge Liang and his army had stumbled into a land of poisoned streams and toxic air as they pursued the Nan Man king Meng Huo. Fortunately for them, they ran into Meng Huo’s older, and estranged, brother, who told them they could find potable water by digging wells. So they dug, except they couldn’t find any water, not even after digging a dozen or so wells. With his men in a panic, Zhuge Liang took the next logical step. He prayed. Burning incense in the middle of the night, he said to heaven, “Your unworthy servant has received the blessing of the mighty Han and has been tasked with pacifying the Nan Man. Right now, my army lacks water. If it is heaven’s will that the Han shall not end here, please bless us with a spring. If the Han has run its course, then your servant is willing to die here!” Apparently heaven was listening, because when Zhuge Liang and company woke up the next morning, all their wells were brimming with water. The troops drank their fill, and then proceeded along small trails, setting up camp in front of Bald Dragon Hollow, where Meng Huo was seeking refuge with his host, a local tribal king named Duosi (0,1). The Nan Man scouts brought word of this to Meng Huo, telling him that the Shu soldiers appeared to be unaffected by the toxic air and poisoned springs. King Duosi refused to believe this, so he and Meng Huo went out to a hill top to take a look. But they saw that the Shu soldiers were indeed doing just fine as they were getting ready to make dinner. The sight of this made Duosi’s hair stand on end as he turned to Meng Huo and said, “These must be soldiers of heaven!” “My younger brother and I will fight to the death,” Meng Huo said. “We would rather die on the battlefield than surrender!” “If you lose, then my family would be lost as well,” Duosi said. “I will slaughter cows and horses for my men. We will shirk no danger and charge straight into the enemy camp, and victory will be ours!” So they went back to the cave and prepared their pre-battle feast. But just as they were about to head out, word came that a neighboring tribal leader named Yang (2) Feng (1) had arrived with 30,000 men to join them. “With their help, success will be mine for sure!” Meng Huo said with delight. So he and Duosi welcomed in their guest. Yang Feng (1) told them, “I have 30,000 crack troops. They’re all clad in iron armor and can scale mountains. They are more than a match for a million Shu soldiers. I also have five sons who are all skilled warriors and are ready to assist you.” Yang Feng then summoned his sons, who all possessed brawny, tiger-like physiques. Meng Huo was delighted and threw a feast to welcome his new allies. Midway through the party, Yang Feng said, “There is little entertainment to be had in the army. I have some Nan Man women who travel with my troops. They’re skilled in dancing with knives and shields. Let’s have them provide some amusement.” Meng Huo was like, well sure, why the heck not? So momentarily, a few dozen Nan Man women, all with bare feet and hair hanging down, pranced into the tent. All the men in the tent clapped and sang along, and everybody was having a grand ol’ time.

Zhuge Liang's army marches deeper into the heart of darkness and forgets to read the part in the travel guide about bringing bottled water.

Zhuge Liang catches Meng Huo twice more with hardly any effort. * Transcript * Map of Key Locations (still the same map as episode 110) * Graph of Key Characters and Relationships Transcript PDF version Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 112. Last time, Zhuge Liang’s forces had sneaked across the River Lu (2) to cut off the supply line of the barbarian king Meng Huo. At the same time, some of Meng Huo’s own men, led by the general Dong (2) Tuna (2,4), had decided that they would much rather surrender to Zhuge Liang than to keep following their brutish king, who seemed destined for defeat anyway. So about a hundred of them headed to Meng Huo’s tent to capture him. When they got there, they found an unexpected present: Meng Huo had drunken himself into a stupor and was passed out in his tent. As Dong Tuna and company approached, they saw two guards standing outside the tent. “You both have benefitted from Prime Minister Zhuge’s kindness in sparing your lives,” Dong Tuna said to the guards as he pointed with his knife. “This is your chance to repay him.” “General, you don’t need to lift a finger; we will capture Meng Huo and offer him to the prime minister,” the guards told him. So they all stormed into Meng Huo’s tent, and the inebriated king was easily subdued and bound. They then took their prisoner to the riverbank, where they hopped on some boats and headed to the north shore, sending word on ahead to let Zhuge Liang know that they were coming with a little present for him. And just like that, Meng Huo had fallen into Zhuge Liang’s hands again.   Zhuge Liang was well aware of what had been transpiring, thanks to his spy network. He ordered his troops to stand ready and then instructed the tribal leaders to bring Meng Huo in, while the rest of the defectors were told to go back to their own camps to wait for word. Dong Tuna went in first and explained what happened, and Zhuge Liang rewarded him with gifts and kind words and sent him and the rest of the tribal leaders on their way. Once they were gone, a couple executioners dragged Meng Huo into the tent, and Zhuge Liang couldn’t help but smile. “You gave me your word: If you get captured again, you would willingly submit. So what now?” Zhuge Liang asked his prisoner. “You had nothing to do with this!” Meng Huo scoffed. “This was treason by my own people. How can I be willing to submit because of this?” “What if I let you go again?” Zhuge Liang said, probably much to the chagrin and incredulity of his own men. “I may be a barbarian, but I also understand the art of war,” Meng Huo said, and I just love that the novel is so prejudiced against the Nan Man people that it would have their king refer to himself as a barbarian. “If you would let me go, then I will lead my forces to settle things with you again. If you capture me this time, then I will wholeheartedly surrender and will never dare to waver.” “Fine,” Zhuge Liang said. “But if you still refuse to surrender the next time I catch you, you will get it good.” So Zhuge Liang ordered the guards to untie Meng Huo and then offered him food, wine, and a seat in the tent, like he was some visiting head of state dropping by for a friendly get-together. During the course of their exchange, Zhuge Liang said,

Zhuge Liang continues his campaign to win not only battles, but also barbarian hearts and minds.

Zhuge Liang barely breaks a sweat while cruising through level 1 of his Southwestern quest.

While Shu and Wu become best buds again, trouble pops up from the North and the Southwest.

An episode that starts with five armies bearing down on Shu somehow ends with nothing more than a showdown between pedants at a banquet.

A huge episode where we bid farewell to our favorite villain by delving into his real-life counterpart's life, career, and legacy.

Liu Bei gets sad, Cao Pi botches an invasion, and we read a poem by one of China's greatest poets.