Don Woods

The grand Old Duke of Edinburgh has been in the news for various reasons.....he was involved in a crash while he was out driving his Landrover.....which he managed to roll over...which wants a bit of doing with a car that size....but it was O.K. the armour plating saved him and he was able to walk away.....ignoring the other car he had pulled out in front of ... which had two people and a one month old child in it....who were thankfully not seriously injured......but his subjects needn't worry....a replacement car was delivered to him next day in which he was last seen driving around without a seatbelt.....so that's O.K. then......all he has to do now is to pop in and see David Beckham's solicitor.....problem solved......it would be funny if it wasn't so tragic.......the woman in the other car is thinking of making an injury claim......but it does beg the question as to how fast she must have been going to hit and roll a two ton Landrover? 2.Out of interest I watched "Celebrity Coach Trip" to see if had improved any as a new series has started.........it should be called "Spot The Celebrity" as it consisted of a crowd rejects from various reality TV programmes with zero personality travelling around on a coach with Brendan in charge....who is now the shape of a beach ball and swans around waving his wrists about making sure we all know....as if we didn't....that he is gay darling.......this is a s bad as TV gets............................................we are also being treated to another wonderful programme called "Five go camping" which features five "celebs" who experience the great outdoors.....or are supposed to.....they spent most of the programme sitting by the fire in a cottage drinking champagne before that idiot Joe Swash had to leave because he had anther job on and the other chap had to vanish because he was on Coronation Street....plus Bobby Davro had to stay in bed because he was ill.......and this is supposed to be entertainment?......beam me up Scotty... 3.Weekend T.V. has definitely lost its way.....after the tripe that is on each Saturday night I am reduced to watching Dancing on Ice on Sunday night....which I record between 6 and 8 o'clock and watch between 8 and 10 o'clock....thus skimming through the plethora of adverts.....this is how bad things are.....not only is the programme a tenth rate version of Strictly Come Dancing we have to sit and watch so called celebs learning to ice skate...which is bad enough but throw in an overweight mouthy "celebrity" diva from some dreadful reality show who has no idea yet gets through to the next round on the public vote (as if)...I must say she does remind me of a couple of characters from the Viz magazine......it does make me consider going back on the road........the alternative is to watch snooker on the BBC...all night!!......very good for insomnia I suppose. 4.The news reported the wrecking and burning of plaques and statues of war heroes.....I've never seen the point of this sort of behaviour and what possible pleasure the yobs get out of t....it's easy to say throw them in jail but it's not as simple as that....you can't legislate for idiots....it goes to prove how we are still evolving with some a long way behind the rest....with the huge gap in class the the royalty don't really help as they openly distance themselves with the likes of Prince Philip's recent behaviour......which must make some feel isolated ....what is sad is the lack of imagination in the general public....they automatically follow and believe all the rubbish the media throw at them......maybe "imagination" could be a school subject? 5.I have never done drugs despite playing in a band for 55 years.....in fact I couldn't tell what one looks like...which youngsters of today find very strange....sex drugs and rock and roll was a very minor part of the 60s but magnifying it makes it all seem a lot more exciting I suppose.....however back in the 70s I wrote and recorded a song called "I'm Only Happy When I'm Stoned" which led to a chance meeting with a wrestler called Adrian Street who was in a recording Studio in Chester (U.K.) looking for a song to enter the ring to.....he liked the song but asked if it could be changed to suit a wrestler....the song became "I'm Only Happy Breakin' Bones" which we recorded and was his entrance song to his many bouts.......we became good friends...a friendship which resulted in two albums of wrestling songs and a tour of the southern states in the U.S.A......and here it is

There is a move afoot to cease sending people to prison for sentences less than 6 months.....naturally this has been received with mixed opinions......but unless you have been closely involved with the prison system....having either been inside or knowing someone who has it is impossible to know what it's like.....it's very easy to say "they deserve it" but everyone is different......whereas one criminal may be non-violent another may be the opposite....and you can't legislate for the latter as they are probably incurable. 2.I watched a programme on Les Dawson's life.....it simply showed what a comedy genius he was....and there was another programme on Bob Monkhouse....again a very clever man.....it's such a shame that stand up comedy has lost its way.....however it hasn't completely vanished as we still have the likes of "Would I Lie to you" and "Room 101" with the likes of Frank Skinner....Lee Mac and Rob Brydon who are very funny so there is still hope......and speaking of comedy someone put a picture of Prince Edward sitting with his wife in a horse drawn carriage with a long line of medals on his chest.....it was suggested he must have had an exciting time in very short time he was in the Marines.......surely this could be construed as impersonating a soldier?....still I suppose his mum loves him. 3.Forget the problems throughout the world.....the news headlines have been taken over by Andy Murray's sore hip.....he was interviewed and broke down in tears.....it could be the end of his career!!!!....what will he do??....apart from joining the overpaid TV pundit fraternity...and perhaps opening a tennis school...not to mention making TV adverts...and putting his name to tennis gear....what will he do?....oh I feel so sorry for the poor chap............................and on the subject of TV there is a new programme called "The Greatest Dancer" which is another past it's sell by date format.....the programme is bad enough with the talentless Cheryl Cole on the judging panel but on come these hopefuls who want to become dancing stars with the camera shot constantly flitting between them and the judges and the audience....so the viewer misses most of the moves.....the producer should go back to taking holiday snaps.....same old tripe. 4.As I said last week we are a nation of moaners and complainers yet most people don't know what REAL problems are.....I support an organisation called The Cheshire Cats which is based in Wallasey in Wirral and we raise money for sick and underprivileged kids through our weekly jam sessions.........a collection of vintage rockers from the 60s play rock and roll classics to an enthusiastic loyal crowd and all the money raised goes to various charities.....we have recently given £3000 to a children's hospice called Claire House on Wirral which will make a difference to youngsters lives.......it is one of many donations we have made to them over the years.....when you visit the likes of these places with the wonderful staff you realise the THESE are REAL problems......maybe the moaners should pop in some time....they might learn something. 5.The song this week is one which has been very kind to me.....it is called "Googi The Liverpool Duck" .... it was written for a friend of mine called Penny Page.....who had a ventriloquist act with a very colourful duck.....back in he day my band was sharing a gig with her...she was then known as "Peppy and The Popettes".....Googi being one of the Popettes....and I told her that the duck was the star of her show and I'll knock a song together for her and Googi.........I did this (in a very short time) and gave it to her... four years later she presented me with the record she had made of the song.....she performed it on The Palladium and it was featured in a film alled "Priest" sung by a church choir......all from a chance meeting at a gig.

It strikes me that we have become a nation of moaners....especially the older generation....you go on Facebook and there they are with the grumbles and outrage about politicians and the way the country is run.....yet no-one does anything about it.....the easiest thing in the world is to criticise .....if you can do better get off you backside and get on with it.....and we seem to be stuck in the past....we keep harping back to the good old days with endless programmes on The Beatles etc....with old guys forming bands and going out with their shades and cowboy hats....and playing for nothing.....very strange....coupled with this we have the P.C. brigade...the feminists...and the easily offended telling us what we can and can't say or do.....there's only a handful of them so why not just sweep them aside and ignore them?....I certainly do. 2,I watched The Greatest Showman over Xmas....a great film which I thoroughly enjoyed....great songs....also unfortunately Mary Poppins was on.....now I have always been told I look like Dick Van Dyke (can't see it myself) so my son tells my grandson while they are watching it "There's Granddad"....after which I was bombarded with questions from him about Mary Poppins....which I have never seen.......to make matters worse the next day Chitty Bang Bang was on.....which I have never seen...so I faced a lot more difficult questions about that one....my son found it all hilarious.....the nipper will go back to school and tell all the kids his Granddad is a film star..........why did I have to be Dick Van Dyke?....why couldn't I have been The Fonz? 3.I also watched Michael Macintyre who I quite like but his show is becoming very samey....and he had a comic on who sounded like he'd had a comedy by-pass....do people not know what "funny" is these days?.....the P.C. brigade have seen off the ones who could actually make us laugh.....and I noticed Lee Evans was on one of the channels so I had a look to see if he had improved in any way.....'fraid not.....he was dreadful...and after 5 minutes I couldn't take any more.....yet he was playing to a full stadium which says it all......it's a shame that the younger generation don't know what comedy is as they have never seen any. 4.I watched The Voice the other night and they featured Lonnie Donegan's son (I notice you put this up on Facebook)...he was good but are we expected to believe that Tom Jones didn't know him?.....and the job they made of the song Lonnie wrote for Tom....rehearsed or what......"it was meant to be"...yeah sure..........Lonnie would now be 87 so he must have had the lad late......we owe a lot to Lonnie who started us all off with skiffle in the late 50s....it gave us the ability to play simple stuff.....eg Tom Dooley only had two chords...........but the problem with talent shows is they are too contrived for my liking.....we have grannie and the family in the wings ...why?....and they go on and get "judged"......they should put acts on who are good enough and give them TV exposure and let them take it from there...."judging" shouldn't come into it....then they would learn the game. 5.The song this week is called "Worrizit?" and is a jingle I wrote back in the day for Debbie Jones on Radio Merseyside......it was a daily competition on her radio programme where the listener would hear a noise and ring in and try and guess what the noise was....it was quite popular at the time.....I have just found this in a drawer in my studio....I haven't heard it for years....sadly it never made the top 20...can't imagine why.....

.I was beginning to wonder what Bradley Walsh does in his spare time...then I realised he doesn't have any....because he is NEVER off the television......last Saturday for example....3.30 The Chase with Bradley Walsh....8.oo The London Studios with contributions from various celebs including....you guessed it...Bradley Walsh....9.00 Bradley Walsh presents a programme on puppets......not forgetting Doctor Who and Law and Order and The Palladium....oh yes and he has a feature coming where he travels abroad with his son.....not forgetting East Enders..............it's not that I dislike the bloke........but it would be nice to have a different face on the tele FOR A CHANGE......Kathryn Ryan is another....she is virtually on every quiz panel....and I've yet to find out what she actually does....I think she is a comedienne......I'll take her word for that. 2.Radio Merseyside (your favourite station) has not renewed Billy Butler's contract for the coming year.....this has caused outrage on Facebook......Billy is now 76 and has been on the station for 47 years and was told in no uncertain terms that he was out.....the public response has been overwhelming....despite the fact he was only on two afternoons each week.....apparently the powers that be are looking to attract a younger audience....obviously not realising that youngsters don't listen to the radio nowadays.....I think one of the problems is that the present hierarchy are from Manchester and don't get scouse humour....thus they scrubbed Billy's "Hold Your Plums" feature which was popular all over the world.....however....knowing Billy he will sort something out.....I think the BBC owes him a bit more than a swift goodbye....but that's the way it goes in the entertainment business. 3.I was interested in a TV interview with The Searchers......or the two original ones....John McNally and Frank Allen (the bass player that took over from Tony Jackson back in the day) are retiring.....but it was obvious McNally wanted to carry on (...as "The Searcher"?)......Frank said he had had enough of road repairs and diversion signs which added hours on to the travelling......or could it be he couldn't face one more rendition of Needles and Pinsa........I can see his point.....I packed in playing professionally a bout five years ago because I was sick of it after 50 odd years....some carry on for the ego trip....hence the shades and cowboy hats etc. which is fine but not for me....I keep my hand in by jamming once a week for our fundraising organisation (The Cheshire Cats) which I enjoy but have no desire to go back on the road......it's a young world out there....let 'em get on with it. 4.HMV are going under apparently.......when will the high street realise that you have to move with the times.....I've said it for years...the music biz has had it....the glory days and the champagne breakfasts are over.....it's all about the internet these days and PRICE.....the general public are not interested in loyalty they want things as cheap as they can get them.........and with modern technology you can make a record in your bedroom and put it on YouTube where it goes world wide....so who needs Abbey Road or the radio play?....and it's difficult getting publicity on television.....unless they can fit you in around Bradley Walsh. 5.The song this week is a little tribute to Billy Butler.....I was asked to write this for him and Wally Scott back in the day.....it was designed as a theme tune for his popular programme "Hold Your Plums" which was a quiz game featuring a one arm bandit...hence the rather double entendre title......I don't think the beeb used it....obviously not P.C......can't imagine why.....when I hear it now I suppose some folk might be "easily offended"....as if I could care less....it's a shame George Formby isn't still around....he would have taken it to the top of the charts.

.Meghan Markle's dad is very upset because she isn't talking to him....and doesn't answer his texts etc...so Piers Morgan is straight in with an interview with him.....he sympathised with him and made a point of saying as it was Christmas she should get in touch....I'm still trying to puzzle out what it has to do with anyone else other than Meg?....Joan Collins was on the same programme and said Meghan's dad has been in showbiz long enough to know better....and good old Joanie scoffs at feminism....that's why I love her.,,,,she is a REAL woman...who says it like it is. 2.There was a comedian on morning TV who has been criticised for refusing to sign a contract which laid out what he could not say in his act to prevent anyone being offended.....the document was hilarious....it covered EVERYTHING from racism and sexism to ageism and physical heightism......he should have gone on stage and read out the words on the contract it would have been hysterical....it's such a shame that people take notice of these humourless self opinionated holier than thous.....and there aren't many of them....because they a killing comedy stone dead...so some people are offended ...SO WHAT?....go somewhere else with your boring friends and let the rest of us have a laugh. 3.I don't like Christmas..I never have..(bah humbug)...mainly because it magnifies everything...especially certain past sad moments like bereavements and lonliness... etc....and I always think the ridiculous amount of money spent in the shops could be put to better use in a lot of cases....we still have homeless people living on the street while the royals and the overpaid politicians are swaning around with their obscene riches........the erecting of small heated shelters in various locations would surely not cost much and would solve most of the problem........and I notice Tony Blair has come from under his stone saying we should have another vote on Brexit.....might effect your fortune eh Tone? 4.On a lighter note...Katherine Jenkins was on TV promoting her latest album.....and at the risk of upsetting the feminists...she is a stunner....easy on the eye or what?.....there was a programme on a few years back called "Best Views in Britain" and she presented the episode featuring Wales....I wrote to the letters page of a TV magazine stating that as far as I was concerned Katherine Jenkiins is the best view in Britain......it was letter of the week for which I got 15 quid....thank you very much....if I ever meet her I'll tell her....once I have removed the stupid grin off my face.....oooh sorry if I have offended anyone....... This week's song is yet another Christmas classic and is taken from a musical I wrote for a local radio station (which we discussed last week......it features one of the characters telling us what he got for Christmas....it is called "In Me Christmas Stockin'"

Male voice choirs are now under fire by....guess who....the feminist brigade....at some university or other their male voice choir has been heavily criticised for not allowing women to sing in it....er....I think the clue is in the title?.....why have we got to put up with this constant nonsense?...and why do those involved get so much publicity?....we have female police chiefs....a female prime minister....female fire chiefs etc etc....you have won ladies...no need for overkill....just get over yourselves because you are becoming very boring......and it's not NEWS. 2.It's now time for the Christmas plays in the schools which sadly will be forgotten in no time....as those magical moments watching your youngster on stage cannot be captured on video......because .001% of parents worry about pictures of their little pride and joy being misused on the internet.....so everyone else has to comply......back in the day I used to video the plays for various schools and the parents were delighted to have these priceless moments captured forever....I even got one of the scenes on You've Been Framed and shared the money with the kids and their parents who were happy as Larry....then along comes the P.C.Brigade who pandered to odd parent who wanted their kid's face pixillated out and various other requirements....so I told them to count me out.....so now everyone misses out thanks to the few....which is typical these days. 3.I watched the programme on Cliff Richard's 60 years in showbiz....I was expecting to see his music through the years from his beginnings with The Shadows to the present day....which aint what we got.....it was mostly about the way he was mistreated by the police and the BBC.....I do sympathies with him but he has made his point many times....it's showbiz and when you are famous it's the price you pay sadly.....I must say the guy is a survivor....the problem is it's the BBC who are involved in the case so WE will end up paying their fines....150 quid for a TV licence....multiply that by the number of households....no wonder they can afford to give stupid salaries to the likes of Chris Evans.....and as usual Cliff is bringing out an album for Christmas...surprise surprise....which has a few protest songs on it aimed at the way he was treated....at least they are original songs.....good luck to him. 4.I also watched another programme about the farmer who shot and killed a burglar in 1999 and went to jail for manslaughter.......it was based on actual police interviews with him....personally I found it quite disappointing.....I expected there to be a discussion regarding what RIGHTS a burglar actually has......the farmer's sentence was cut down and they had him on at the end.......to me anyone who breaks into a house relinquishes any human rights the moment they step over the door.....it's a choice they make....it's as if it is difficult to NOT burgle a house.....I find it ver easy NOT burgling houses.....the legal system in this country possibly fails to see the big picture...if you are faced with an intruder on your property he could have a weapon etc so it's a you or them situation....and some of these judges who live in the safety of their mansions need a reality check....what needs to be taken into account is the suffering and anxiety this sort of thing causes to innocent people. 5.On a lighter note...the song this week is entitled "If Every Day Was Christmas Day" and it was originally written for a lady called Penny Page who had a ventriloquists dummy called Googi....which was a Scouse duck.....it was put out on a 7 inch vinyl at the time.....it was also the title song of a musical I wrote for a local radio station which will remain nameless......the musical included six of my songs and a script which I also wrote.....despite being broadcast as being written by two of the radio presenters....who shall remain nameless....myself getting the credit for the music only.....the play which was broadcast on Christmas day was nominated for a Sony award..........it was eventually performed in several schools around the area......under MY name....so here it is.

.The Paris riots have been headlining the news here....it's over fuel prices.....and the oil companies deserve it...they have been ripping us off for years....they are greedy money grabbers who prey on the general public and I think this could be the tip of the iceberg....the public are getting sick of complaining with no-one taking any notice and this is the answer........also the police can now ram idiots on mopeds who terrorise the streets and commit crimes on stolen bikes.....naturally the doo-gooders come out of the woodwork saying how wrong this is.....however a member of the force came on the radio saying these yobs don't have to steel bikes and commit crimes....it's their choice.....if they choose to do so they must face the consequences.....at last a bit of welcome sense. 2.I've just watched an item on our wonderful news programmes....apparently engagement rings are now belittling women....and a girl who won an award as the best player in women's football was asked to twerk when she got the award...this has caused OUTRAGE!!!! the feminists are on the march.....as the ladies continue to try and take over the world I think it is just a matter of time before they implode as their ideas could seriously affect those who dress provocatively and latch on to some very rich male and relieve him of his fortune....thus they will end up fighting against each other as us poor downtrodden males look on before we get back to the way things used to be...when we had humour and common sense.......we are constantly being told that"You can't say that"....because it's racist or homophobic or sexist etc etc....what I would love to know is WHO SAYS SO???....what ever happened to freedom of speech....these "holier than thousr" have been missing the point of humour for years...the character of Alf Garnett for example was there to ridicule people like him who were racist and how many idiots missed the point of Monty Python's Life of Brian?....get a life folks you are becoming boring. 3.Noel Edmunds went into the celebrity jungle thing and was voted out after 9 days......for which he received 600 grand.....personally I could never stand the bloke but no entertainer is worth that obscene amount.....whoever agreed to pay him that should be brought to task.....at least it was ITV which doesn't cost me.....but I am delighted to donate to Chris Evans' 2 million a year on the BBC through my TV licence....are they taking the proverbial or what?.....and I have yet to work out what skills are required to read the news......and justify some ridiculous salaries.....nice work if you can get it. 4.Englebert Humperdinck was on morning TV being interviewed and I must say he looked pretty good for his age...I'm not particularly a fan but I always admire people who look after themselves...he is 83 and virtually looks like he always did......Cliff is another who doesn't change.....I often wonder why some of these pop stars build up a fan base then decide to grow a beard and crop their hair etc and completely change their appearance which after all was part of the original attraction.................and I recently watched a documentary on Marc Bolan which was quite interesting....I never got him at the time...then again all that flower power and "love and peace man" totally left me cold.... but the programme was very well done as it went through his life which was tragically cut short. 5.The song this week failed to make the classical charts.....it was a jingle I did back in the day for my mate Norman Thomas who worked on Radio City in Liverpool.....he had a daily competition whereby the listeners had to guess what Norman had in his hand by asking questions....with hilarious results.....there was a short jingle and this one which is the 12 inch version (no comments please).....Norman sadly passed away some years ago so this is dedicated to him..... I give you "What have I got in me 'and".

There is a school in Brighton where 70 primary school pupils have been allowed to regard themselves as "gender fluid".....so they are no longer girls or boys....and...wait for it....a university in London has banned the word "woman" because it has "man" in it...a woman is now womXn....so there you go....one of the many problems I have with stupid feminists etc is kids are an easy target as they are impressionable at a young age and can easily be manipulated...try telling a rugby scrum they are "gender fluid"...especially if you are holding the ball...........and by putting them on a pedestal simply reveals their feet of clay....again the media need to wake up and stop giving these idiots publicity. I watched the behaviour of the football fans in Europe on the news...they attacked the players as they arrived on the coach.....proving we have yet to move out of the dark ages.....what ia it with these boneheaded morons?...i..it's that strange desire to BELONG that puzzles me....very sad indeed. .I watched Michael McIntyre last Saturday and one of the features was BRADLEY WALSH.....wow I haven't seen him on the telly for at least half an hour......I've got nothing against Bradders but you do get a bit tired of seeing him ALL the time...The Chase (every day)...Dr.Who....The Palladium....Law and Order...Eastenders....and a few other things...he even had his own quiz show which didn't work.....and to top it all he has a new ALBUM out.......are there no other personalities out there?...and I can see it coming...rise SIR Bradley....he must have a great manager...as indeed has Katherine Ryan...she's another one...she is on every quiz panel...and what does she do?...apparently she is a comedienne ... I did see about 2 minutes of her stand up routine once...which was all I could take. 4.And now we have a plethora of re-union tours.....Boyzone have reformed for a final tour (thank goodness)....The Spice Girls (or 4 of them) have reformed "for their fans"...or perhaps they've run out of money?....O.K.lads set up the autotune your in for a long night.....and not forgetting Uncle Rod Stewart who is out there promoting his new album....featuring some of his own songs....pass me the earplugs.....and Cliff also has a new album out...oh yes it's Christmas I forgot....so he's constantly on the TV and radio still going on about his mistreatment by the media....time to put that one to bed mate...don't get upset GET EVEN!!!!.....then we have Noel Edmonds with his album of music to relax to....he's not on it by the way...and Nick Knowles with a NUMBER ONE album which should be a number two....and no doubt we'll an album from Alexander Armstrong and other so called musicians who think they can sing....and we wonder why the music business is slowly sinking into the mud.....and they all have to compete with Bradley Walsh who can promote HIS album every ten minutes on his multi appearances on TV. 5.I have been writing songs for The Krankies for many years....mainly for their Christmas pantos...and they have recently been on to me for another one for this years panto in Glasgow......our friendship began way back when I was asked to write a song for Cannon and Ball which I did....after a month or so I had heard nothing so I turned up to see them at Stoke and bluffed my way to their dressing room....they hummed and had about the song so I left it at that.....I then dropped the demo off at The Floral Pavilion in New Brighton where The Krankies were appearing and asked if this could be given to them....they wrote to me saying they liked the song and would put it in their act....some time later I was watching the Royal Command Performance on TV and on they come and sing the song....they were on several other programmes and featured the song.....years later I was on the same show as them and made myself known and I have been writing for them ever since....the song was called "He's Me Mate"....and here is the original demo.

.I had to laugh at a news item from Bolton....they were asking people in the street how they felt about Brexit....they virtually all said they had completely lost interest and couldn't care less anymore ....which just about sums it all up....I can't believe idiots like Ambrose Mogg,Boris Johnson,Corbyn etc etc are actually running the country....and when they appear on the news and you switch channels there they are again....you can't escape....what has always amazed me is how these buffoons get there in the first place....but then when you see 700,000 (allegedly) people marching through the streets because the democratic vote didn't go their way I suppose that explains it all.....and it's obviously all about money and greed.........................we have just had the "Children In Need" fundraising on TV......they have raised one billion pounds over the years......which is what Alan Sugar is worth....with all the billionaires and millionaires in this country.....not to mention the royalty....why do we have children in need?? ...There has been quite a bit of publicity about youngsters being seriously affected by bullying on the internet....which doesn't surprise me as they are never off their mobiles.....those of us who are of a certain age find this somewhat hard to comprehend....why not switch the phone off?.....they had some up and coming young pop star who was deeply upset because someone tweeted that she was rubbish.....if you take any notice of criticism in the music game you may as well pack in....you have to understand that when someone puts an insulting comment on to the internet it is their big moment...because they have nothing else going for them in their sad little lives....simple as that........if I took any notice of criticism over my music career I would now be sitting in the corner of a darkened room....but my answer was always the same....basically two words. ...On the showbiz front....the BBC are still trying to get more viewers by reporting "goings on" with he dancers and celebs....probably making it all up....however I am a fan of the programme and I have a fiver on Ashley Roberts....I must say the ladies on the programme make an old man very happy....I often wonder what how funny it would have been had Benny Hill been on it........and now we have "I'm a celebrity get me out of here"......I use the word celebrity loosely.....the fact that they are giving Harry Rednap 500 grand....he is quite entertaining but not 500 grandsworth?..... and Noel Edmunds is due to go on it.....600 grand ....says it all.....I have watched the first few editions and I must admit i quite enjoy it....and Holly Willoughby is a pleasant change from Ant McPartlin....however we are still stuck with Dec.....he's a celebrity ...they should get HIM out of there. ...I recently watched a programme featuring an audience with Billy Connelly from about 40 years ago....I must say he was very funny back then....I do like observational comedy...and it took me back to my playing days and when we were booked to play at weddings...which were all EXACTLY the same....the setting up the gear with ids sliding up and down the dance floor....grandma who never goes out sitting at a table with her coat on.....the bloke in the middle of the dance floor trying to get everyone up which doesn't happen until the booze kicks in....when they all get up and dance (for the first time in 20 odd years).....the night being rounded off by Uncle Harry who is standing at a table singing Blue Spanish Eyes (consisting of one note all the way through) with his admirers loving every second.....and he always goes down better than the band who have just done 4 hours.....oh the joy of showbiz....and do I miss it?........NO. ...The song this week is about a place you might have heard of.....Benidorm....ring any bells?......it was written from memory as I haven't been to Spain for a long time....in fact I spend my spare time in beautiful places like the Lakes and Snowdonia....where you can feed your soul with the scenery....so I leave the delays and the hustle and bustle of airports to others.......Buenos Dias Benidorm.

This week I thought we could talk about the future of the world.....starting with the arrival of electric cars....apparently according to the internet these will take over thus we will see the end of petrol stations and repair shops as we know them....the petrol engine has 20,000 separate parts...the electric engine has 20....and it can be removed and replaced quickly.....oil companies will struggle as will parts manufacturers......it was the same with digital photography....there was a lot of doubt at the time when digital cameras came on the scene....who would have thought in 1998 that you would never take another photo on film ever again.....I remember Kodak trying to convince everyone that film was better quality than digital....then they went under....there is no comparison............. ........the speed of modern technology is frightening.....when I first built my recording studio in 1980 everything went on to tape.....and you had to get it right....nowadys you can delete stuff and bring it back if you change your mind and you can move sections around....you can literally make a record in your bedroom.....vinyl is making a bit of a comeback but I think it will only be temporary. .....The legal industry is due to take a fall according to the experts.....you will be able to find all you need to know on Google....so solicitors and barristers will be unable to rip us off like they have been doing throughout history....similar to the medical profession as you can now virtually diagnose yourself on your computer.....so it looks like we are in for a few changes....... .On the showbiz front I watched the Prince Charles celebration at The Palladium on TV...and I enjoyed it.....they should have more entertaining variety on instead of boring cookery programmes and rubbish reality shows with serious none celebs trying to make a name for themselves..............The Krankies phoned me up the other night ...they require a song for their panto in Glasgow...I'll tell you about it tomorrowHi Vince...the song this week is called The Dudley Newtown Stage which has a very interesting story behind it

Yes it's bonfire night again and already the neanderthals are roaming the streets throwing bricks at firemen and paramedics "WHO ARE TRYING TO SAVE LIVES!!".....it's beyond me....and if the firemen threw bricks back they would lose their jobs and end up in court....while we have the stupid human rights legislation this will never change......simple answer ban the whole thing and in a few years it won't even be missed....except by the fat cats who make their fortunes out of fools who watch their money go up in smoke. 2.Also some boneheads have made an effigy of Grenfell Tower... which was the subject of a serious fire earlier in the year... and set it on fire while laughing and put the stupidity on the internet....which has naturally upset those who lost loved ones in the fire at the time and are still grieving.......this has been constantly featured on the national news...WHY?....all the media are doing is giving these lowlifes publicity and giving other brainless morons ideas..and I doubt if it is actually a crime.......by sensationalising this sort of sick behaviour to fill their news programmes does not help the situation in any way....as far as I'm concerned the media are part of the problems we have today...ask Cliff Richard. 3.I was interested in a news item about a woman who fell down a trap door in a shop....despite a warning being shouted to her...the shop was prosecuted under the health and safety legislation....the woman was injured and awarded 330 grand compensation....of which she received something like a few thousand after legal fees etc....the rest going to the legal profession for the wonderful job they did....these are the hidden thieves of the country.....I was recently talking to a lady who took her dog to the vet to have its teeth sorted out....£300....even if it took three hours that aint bad money for a mornings work.....this needs sorting....being a vet or a solicitor is a licence to print money these days....................what is ridiculous is you have a vet for all the nations animal lovers and next door is a butcher....say no more. 4.Exactly 10 years ago to the day was the first concert I played backed by my personal guitar hero...James Burton....I have admired him since 1958 when he played on Ricky Nelson's hits and was one of the inspirations to us all when we were at school.....he has played for greats like Frank Sinatra....Jerry Lee....Roy Orbison...The Monkeys....and Elvis during his Vegas years...and many more....so to share the stage with him while I sang an hour of Ricky Nelson classics was somewhat surreal....I have played in bands since 1961 when I left school but this was definitely my finest hour...........I have done 8 concerts with him since but the first one was the killer....he is a great guy and we became friends over the years.......to sing Hello Mary Lou and get the same solo as on the record doesn't get much better.....and on Elvis's version of The Wonder of You he says "Play it James".......I've done that as well. 5.The song this week is from my album Doowop Days which takes you back to the golden days of rock and roll....it is a tribute to Ricky Nelson.....which is apt this week....I have utilised titles from his hits as his love songs brought us through our teenage young love problems back then.

As we approach our wonderful annual event on the 5th of November...Bonfire Night....out come the media with their scaremongering....kiddies clothing could catch fire....if children are not watched they could receive serious burns etc etc....what is it with this country?....in 1968 we were told exactly the same thing when I was in trading standards when we were attempting to get this sort of thing off the market....so nothing has changed in the last 50 years.....this year kids will get burned...eyes will be lost...and animals will be distressed....not to mention the fire brigade being abused by stupid morons...so why do we not put an end to this ridiculous "celebration".....I fail to see the problem....or could it involve money like everything else?....I can see no point in it whatsoever except that it gives the sheep a chance to oggle at the sky going "OOOH....AHH"......if we MUST have fireworks restrict them to organised events and keep them out of the shops. 2.Apparently ABU who has been the Indian shopkeeper in The Simpsons for the last 30 years is racist....according to the PC brigade he stereotypes Indian people with his accent....so there you go....IT'S A CARTOON...there was a big discussion about it on the morning news programme proving beyond a shadow of a doubt there is little news to report and we are nearing the end of entertainment as we know it.....the discussion was with two women...say no more...one comment was that ABU would have developed an American accent after 30 years.....er.....I think Bart would have changed a bit as well so he MUST be stereotyped...oh sorry he can't be...he's white........don't these PC people realise how stupid they sound?....... 3.On the showbiz front they are STILL going on about the notorious kiss between one of the dancers and SINGLE Sean whatever his name is......O.K. BBC time to wrap it up....and now we have someone else being naughty behind the scenes....what it has to do with the show is beyond me...are they that desperate to get viewers...it's pathetic.............................I always thought Boy George was a good singer and thought after his colourful private life I thought he had grown up....seeing his recent appearance on TV I'm wrong....why does he have to come on dressed like a circus clown with a huge hat and ridiculous coat not to mention the mess on his face?....as he is arrogant he would disregard any criticism which is a shame because he looks stupid and it must be costing him....save that stuff for the stage George.......and also Boyzone were on Jonathan Ross's show.....oh dear....they have obviously run out of money so they are bringing out a new album and going on a farewell tour...thank goodness.....I never rated them....the only one with any talent was the lad who sadly died...the rest of them are a waste of space....especially Shane (?) who sits there dressed in stuff from a charity shop and a ridiculous baseball cap on backwards covering half his head plus tattoos all over his neck....he looked like he had just carried out an unsuccessful oil change on his car...this is Television....have a bit of respect for the viewer.....and none of them can sing including Ronan Keating who warbles away while the others pretend to sing.....not a fan. 4.People...or sheeple as we know them.....are steadily being brainwashed....they sit and watch TV programmes transfixed to the screen...even adverts...and don't seem to realise they are doing it......we recently had the French giant puppets here...all very nice as everyone crushed together to see them......however this cost 4 million pounds.......we have a children's hospice on Wirral called Claire House who take care of terminally ill kiddies....they have announced they need around 4 million to keep going....correct me if I am wrong but could this have not been solved by not having the giants and giving the money to Claire House?....what is more important?...and how about Eugenie and her bloke going to the registry office and giving the 2 million to the homeless?....Oh no... these events "bring money and investment into the area"....yeah sure.....and the giants put smiles on children's faces I have been told in no uncertain terms............and the brainwashing continues. 5.The song this week is a musical portrait of our wonderful docklands which I am thinking of putting on YouTube.....there are no mountains or countryside scenery but they have a beauty of our own....."Dockland Beauty"

We are being bombarded with the "increase in crime" situation and how the police are loosing their grip....an example given was burglaries are no longer priority yet a case of a transexual who was deeply offended on social media because someone used his original male name has been investigated......so there you go....I don't know what is expected of the police as they can't make a move without "human rights" being thrown at them....they are expected to wrap thugs up in cotton wool instead of giving them a taste of the good old truncheon .... one of the wonderful things the EU has given us............even kids don't fear or respect anything as the teachers daren't make a move that might offend the do-gooders......not to mention the constant unnecessary violence on TV dramas....THAT is why we have an increase in crime....the police haven't lost their grip....the stupid politicians have....human rights...don't make me laugh. 2.There was an item on the news regarding designer kennels for dogs....costing 6 grand.....now correct me if I'm wrong....to completely satisfy a dog don't you simply throw a stick and let it bring it back?.....you can also get designer "kennels" for cats for the same price.....the people who pay out for these are in the same bracket as those who look at a canvas in a modern art gallery upon which someone has thrown a bucket of paint.... and see a message....and actually BUY this trash......the real art is capitalising on these fools and making your fortune. 3.I was driving along during the week listening to the radio and on came "Every breath you take" by The Police....and it struck me how we take music for granted....this particular song is a masterpiece if you really listen to it....the apparent simplicity of the arrangement and the subtlety of the strings and the great lyrics will by-pass most people....I have been writing and recoding songs for 40 odd years so I know what goes into a recording and can appreciate bass lines keyboard and guitar riffs and drumming etc.......so I am in a fortunate position...and because most people take for granted what is thrust at them we now have the situation where popular music is slowly going down the drain.....with constant repetitive meaningless lyrics with a backing resembling a dustbin being hit with a hammer. 4.With Poppy day approaching we pay lip service to those who lost their lives in past world wars......we really need to think about this in depth....I once met a chap who fought in the first world war and he showed me photographs and told me stories which made me realise what these men went through....to be up to your waist in water in a trench for several days then being ordered to attack knowing you are going to get killed is beyond imagination.....perhaps the politicians of the day should have tried it out first instead of watching from a safe distance....when I see the graves of the fallen I ask "why?"....buying a poppy isn't enough we need to think deeply about it....and as for the stupid woman who wants to ban poppies....she isn't worth discussing. 5.The song this week is one I wrote in the 80s and it was taken up by the local council to promote the area....it was part of a vinyl E.P. and is called "Wirral Splendour"....I like to think my local songs are musical portraits of the area....I remember looking out from the coast at Hoylake and coming up with "where the sandbanks reach the horizon...where sea and sky collide...and fishing boats are set afloat on each incoming tide"....which sums up the view in one sentence....which,to me,is what a song is all about.

.I was somewhat puzzled over the recent "major"court case regarding a wedding cake for a gay wedding.....apparently the bakers in question refused to make the cake,which had a logo on it,because they didn't agree with same sex marriages....well this naturally caused an outcry as the couple were being discriminated against because of their sexuality ...so they took the bakers to court and won their case...which was later thrown out on appeal who actually saw common sense....I failed to see the problem in the first place...the bakers,or indeed anyone who owns a company,can refuse to serve who they like....they should have said they didn't want the job at the outset instead of handing out the opportunity to play the gay card............a sale is a contract which has to have amongst other things offer and acceptance....the offer is made by the PURCHASER which can either be accepted by the seller or not.......if a shop puts an item on display YOU are being invited to make an offer....it is known as an "invitation to treat".....the shop can refuse your offer and doesn't have to sell it too you if it so wishes which is where people get it wrong.........................................the country is run by morons. 2.In case you didn't know...Princess Eugenie has got married....she is the daughter of Andrew the Prince of Golf.....both of whom don't seem to do anything for their extortionate wages....all very nice and it does give people something to do as they all stand outside waiting for a chance to wave their flags as the happy couple go past in their coach on their way to their lavish party full of showbiz creeps trying to get a knighthood.....or am I wrong?....is it a wonderful occasion which will enhance the history of this great nation?....thus it will be well worth the millions it is costing us....and you never know we might actually get a smile from her dad....if we can remember what he looks like. 3.I watched the video you put on Facebook featuring Yoko Ono sounding like a seagull with its testicles caught in a door...accompanied by a squawking saxophone.....words fail me....to me she is the Tracy Emin of music... a caveman could make a better racket....proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that the world is definitely going backwards....we mentioned last week how witch hunting has made a comeback with any excuse to march and protest....thanks to rapes and sexual harassment that supposedly went on 50 years ago.....well when you look at the great buildings which were created centuries ago and are still standing and compare them with modern buildings which either burst into flames or get washed away with the occasional floods........or the great paintings by the likes of Da Vinci or Constable compared to the "modern" art which is an insult to our intelligence.....we are definitely going backwards....... 4.I have to laugh at the way we are all kidded by greedy companies...for example they increase the price of cigarettes to "help people to stop smoking"......as if...do they think we are stupid?...people will still buy cigarettes ...the only difference is the companies will make even more money...as if they care about consumers....do me a favour.........same with road tax and petrol prices....they are ripping us off "to save the planet for our own good"...sure they are......I bought a coke in a pub last week and got charged an extra 15 pence for sugar tax....sugar free coke is 15 pence cheaper....it's a joke...........and finally......the Strictly Come Dancing "snog" is STILL making national mews....is the media so short of news that it has to lower itself to this?......the programme got 12 million viewers last Saturday.....hmm....makes you wonder doesn't it?....just shows again how easy our wonderful sad public can be manipulated....what's next?....marches by the PC brigade ...or the racist brigade...or the sexist brigade....to keep the viewing numbers up? 5.The song this week is from one of my local DVDs.....extolling the virtues of the wonderful Wirral Peninsula......which if you have never seen you aint seen nothing.

Watching the reaction from the American women to the alleged rape charge aimed at Brett Kavanaugh makes you despair for the human race....the "victim" can't remember where the "rape" took or when or at what time or even ..... and it was 36 years ago.....Donald Trump mocked the whole thing in a speech....it strikes me that all the sheep want is ANY excuse to vent their feelings....it really has nothing to do with the so called rape victim.....they just make complete fools of themselves....it is no different in this country .....I thought we were supposed to have moved on from witch hunting in the middle ages....obviously not...I think we are going backwards......and another thing that puzzles me is the violence against the likes of the fire brigade.....they are being stoned by neanderthals as they attempt put fires out....it's beyond me. We have had the French Giants locally as they make their last appearance ever.....these massive puppets are very impressive and they have been featured in Liverpool and Wirral......roads have been closed off and even altered to cater for the event which has cost around 4 million pounds.....all very nice but aren't we having to make cuts to the police etc?.....and I'm sure the homeless guy in the shop doorway with his blanket is very impressed.....4 million?....I would like to see the breakdown on that amount....someone will be coining it in........and as always we get "it will bring a lot of money into the area"....I find that very debatable.....and even if it does it won't go into MY pocket. 3.I am not a fan of space travel but I must say I do like Tim Peake who is now a celebrity spaceman....he was on TV talking about his exploits in space and he goes round the schools and gives talks which the kids obviously enjoy.....however again I see no massive advantage gained from the money spent on space travel....I think we need to get thing sorted on this planet before we go elsewhere....the massive problems of the poor people caught up in earthquakes and floods could be solved with the money spent on a couple of spaceships....or have I got it wrong.......mind you how cool would it be when asked what your job is to say "I'm an astronaught"........or...."I work in a bank...what do you do?"...."I'm a JET pilot".......cool or what. 4.There has been a bit of trouble wit Strictly Come Dancing....one of the contestants was seen kissing his dancing partner outside a pub and his girlfriend was very upset...shock horror....I always wonder what it must be like being in extremely close proximity to a very beautiful young lady for 8 hours a day week after week ...unless you were gay it would have to seriously affect you....we should be so lucky...................Another anecdote from the world of gigging involves a bloke coming up to the stage and asking us to play a bit of rock and roll and get everyone in a circle on the dance floor as Frank and Annie are going to give a jiving display....so I announce this and go into rock around the clock.....spinning into the circle come the two rockers....he slips and goes flat on his back and catapults her headfirst on to the solid wooden floor....they are then straight up and carry on as if nothing has happened.....I had to carry on singing and avoid bursting out laughing....which wasn't easy with a drummer guffawing behind me at the back out of sight....another time at a very formal masonic function....I asked the worshipful master to take to the floor with his good lady for the opening waltz...as we hit the first note there was a crash behind me...when I looked round the drummer was returning from a back summersault after his stool had collapsed.....he then sorts out the problem and begins singing Moon River.....the bass player and myself were helpless with laughter along with most of the crowd....but he sang the song right through as if nothing had happened.....it's a dream come true Simon. 5.The song this week was the first record I produced when I formed my record