Don Woods

We chatted first about Angie Mccartney's book launch at the Philharmonic in Liverpool which Don attended. T here has been a “victory” in the wonderful Lake District….the government wanted to build an underground nuclear waste dump near Bowness….which would create jobs etc….…HOWEVER the locals have gone on the march and reversed the decision and are celebrating….….someone suggested an ideal site for this project…just down the road from Prime Minister David Cameron’s house. Another Great British rip off has come to a head…petrol prices…..of the £1.37 per litre 80p goes to the government….which is approx 60%....seeing as oil has dropped in price this was put to the Office of Fair Trading…who found this was all in order….….greed greed. On the local scene this week I was at the traffic lights waiting for them to change when a car crashed into the back of me…fearing the worst I got out to be greeted by a very apologetic young chap…looked round the back expecting to find a huge dint and there wasn’t a mark…he had hit the towbar…..and hooked himself on to my car by his grill…I had to tow him out of the traffic then we had to jack his car up to get it off my towbar….as there was no damage and he was a nice guy I told him that as far as I was concerned just forget it………..the upshot of the whole thing was the young chap turned up on my doorstep with a bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers for my wife…it’s nice to be nice. I went out on my bike yesterday…I get the train into the gale force wind and return with it behind me…I came back along the embankment and the tide was in and giving it plenty…the sun was out and it was paradise......then as I was enjoying the ambience I thought I’ll give Vince a few interesting facts….if you are in your car and you want to know the wind direction…a standing seagull always faces directly into it….and while I’m on the subject of facts DID YOU KNOW (I didn’t) that in 2008 the £1 coin was made with a shield on the back….and every other coin (1p,2p,20p,50p) all have a piece of the same shield on their backs…so if you set them out it forms the shield on the back of the £1 coin

The news this week has featured a helicopter which hit a crane in London and crashed down into the street….the amazing thing about this is only the pilot and a pedestrian were killed…considering it was on a busy road in the rush hour…and the driver of the crane has overslept for the first time in his life…otherwise he would have been a gonner….lucky or what… There was a programme on parking fees which featured this bloke who refused to pay them…to make a point….he deliberately parked in places where the yellow lines had been tarmaced over and in parking bays where the line was worn….announcing that he was in his rights and intended to take the council to the high court…which he did…and lost…40 grand…oooh…..cost the silly boy his house. They had a mens' fashion show in London….there were blokes strutting down the catwalk with huge dalek-like woollen headgear with just their eyes poking out and a bare midriff…and another bloke had criss cross broken fencing across his face (looked like the result of a terrible motor bike accident)…and other blokes with hideous skirts…. English Heritage have stopped putting up blue plaques on famous peoples houses….they say it’s due to costs???...I would say it’s because they have to keep taking them down when the celeb is suddenly found out to be a sex offender…and if you want to go and watch a football match at Arsenal it will cost you 62 quid…plus the extortionate train fare…good value eh? ..finally….HMV have gone under….…the music industry has been far too greedy for far too long.They never ran with the pack and now they have been left behind…GOOD!!!....when I was working we had to go out and nick people for selling cheap pirated cassettes….when the record companies could have charged the same and still made loads…In the cassette days you would have to pay 10 – 12 quid for a cassette….the raw materials cost 17 PENCE.

.Just had a wet week in The Lakes….we stay near Carnforth which has a railway station where the 50’s film “Brief Encounter” was made…starring Trevor Howard. I’ve seen the film and it hasn’t aged well… but it’s interesting to see Carnforth as it was 60 odd years ago.......... MP.s have announced they deserve a 20 grand a year rise…this has gone down well with the public sector - kept to 1%....regular truanters should be rewarded for good attendance…with a computer/Xbox etc…….the ones who turn up on a regular basis get nowt. A couple of lottery winners who scooped 110 million have been in the news…they have had to close their music shop because of people/scroungers asking them for free money to “help them out”. ….apparently the interest on the money is something like 6 grand a day… On the showbiz front there is a new programme featuring Tom Daley where he teaches celebs to dive…it’s called “Splash” and has taken a battering from the critics…..I watched it and it was pretty bad. Dancing on Ice has also just begun and Pammy Anderson got voted out first…..she received 1000 pound a SECOND while she was on air….did someone say recession? finally….a classic…..some lad entered a fishing contest in the English Channel……….won 800quid for the huge bass he “caught”….someone thought the enormous creature looked familiar and started to check out the situation….it turned out the lad had nicked the fish from an aquarium….not much more to say about that….he got 12 weeks community service or something…he should go into politics.

Everyone is up in arms here about the train fares….they are going up by 4 – 10%....some geek from the rail companies insists they are not making a profit.…nothing has changed on the trains .. you still have to stand nose to nose at rush hour....and rumour has it they are stopping Bus and Train passes …looks like I’ll be making a banner and getting my marching boots on. Also car insurance is also getting silly for younger drivers…it can cost up to 3 Grand…. parking legislation has also been changed to include distance from the pavement….you have to be within 29 inches from the pavement or you get a ticket… There was a very interesting programme on tv about “The world’s richest songs”…it was the top ten highest earning songs….”Yesterday” was in there as was “White Christmas”….the 10 consisted of songs which had been recorded by multiple artists over the years thus making big royalties. The top song which has earned 30 million was…wait for it…”Happy Birthday”. The programme included interviews with people involved with the songs and one was “Pretty Woman” and they interviewed James Burton who played on the 80’s Orbison concert. The interview was at Fort Perch Rock on one of his visits…and at the risk of dropping a name I’ve performed this song on two occasions with Mr.Burton…so there!! Gary Barlowe had a show over the festive period “Gary Barlowe and friends”….great show…great band and a few surprises…James Corden did a spot with Gary and was really good…as was Peter Kay. What I love about Gary B. is he can do it live with or without a band…the lad is brilliant.

On the news recently…..an infant school was having a nativity play and 10 minutes from the end a copper trundles in and tells the parents they are illegally parked and if they don’t shift the cars immediately he would give them a ticket….this went down well with everyone complaining….good stuff…but if anyone had have got knocked over because of stupid parking there would have been an uproar. Also on the news an old lady (who is suffering from cancer) got burgled…they took the lot and her savings and she was really upset…after the TV report was shown she received all sorts of money and stuff from viewers and companies….a great story….There is going to be a remake of Dad’s Army with a woman playing Mainwaring…it’ll NEVER work….They have just erected a plaque on the Birkenhead waterfront in memory of The Cockleshell Heroes….one of which came from Birkenhead (Frederick Laver).It was my favourite film with Tony Newley and Jose Ferrer…a great story of bravery by the Marines…they shortened the war by 6 months by canoing out to the German fleet and attaching explosives to the ships…12 went out … two came back…Plebgate has again reared it’s ugly head…Andrew Mitchell always denied he called a copper a pleb….and now they have found out that the guy who “witnessed “ the event wasn’t even there…and he was a copper….OOPS!!....so it’s all kicked off again……

The dreadful shooting in Newtown USA takes precedence then...We lost Patrick Moore this week..Don had the pleasure of meeting him a while back when he was involved in programme for Radio Merseyside which took him to Tromso in Norway to see the Northern Lights-Tromso being the most northern town in the world..needless to say it was too cloudy so he didn't see them but Patrick was giving a short lecture while he was there and he had a chance to chat to him afterwards..and he was a delight and educated me on several points .Rod Stewart had a Christmas show on the tele..it was definitely the Rod show....no-one else got a look in .....he had a fabulous band for him to croak in front of..dreadful whoever told him he could croon needs arresting ..he had two guests ;Michael Buble and Kylie..who were each invited to sing a duet with old Rod and that was it ---also prattled on about how Scottish he was then proceeded to sing Auld Lang Syne at the end of his boring show and GOT IT WRONG!!...On the other hand McFly also had a show of their own and they were fabulous...great personalities and great LIVE music...those guys can play....and they had two guests...Bruno Mars and his band who were great and Al Murray (the pub landlord) who did his comedy act and was then invited to play drums with the McFly boys....and what a drummer..brilliant (apparently he started out as a drummer) ;THAT'S what entertainment is all about..;take note all you legends...I read that when Mike Tyson parted from his then wife Robin Givens he continued to call round and see her...he popped round one day unannounced and found Brad Pitt (before he was famous) in bed with her I'd have paid good money to see the look on Brad's face...DOH!!.....

The Royal couple are having a baby…and a radio station in New Zealand played a prank on the hospital. This has now escalated as the poor nurse who took the call has killed herself. Who is really to blame for this poor nurse's death? …. the advent of modern technology is turning the UK into a nation of morons….we don’t speak anymore because we are always on our ipads etc…There is a “helicopter” you can buy from Amazon which is radio controlled and has a small camera on board so you can fly it and take movies from the air which you can send directly to your phone…. There has been a national disaster….the DANDY is no more!!....the last copy has gone on sale!!....I think they are going to go on line.They tried the comic out on young kids who were not impressed…they said it wasn’t exciting enough….……however the annuals sell well according to bookshops………nowadays if you don’t run with the pack you are a gonner. I watched The Royal Command Performance … a little too much opera perhaps….…I like Katherine Jenkins …but for a completely different reason…in fact when she sings ballads in her lower range she’s great….I thought Diversity and the young dancing acrobats were really good and even the comedy wasn’t bad with a few exceptions (Rhod Gilbert and poor old Des)…but otherwise good stuff for our royal ruler to enjoy.

A lot of euphoria newswise at the moment…with the release of the SAS guy who had a gun he shouldn’t have had.....he was given a gun as a gift when he was in Afganistan (or somewhere) and he brought it back here by mistake and the military gave him 18 months jail.... he’s out of jail on a suspended sentence. A friend went to The Echo Arena to see the “Once in a lifetime tour”…starring Smokie…Hot Chocolate…Leo Sayer…and David Cassidy…she said she couldn’t wait for it to finish….mind you she is only 40… However another mate went to see Marty Wilde on the Phil… Don's written a song for The Krankies for their Xmas Panto in Glasgow….Jack and The Beanstalk…..with John Barrowman…..the song is about the Scottish Olympic medal winners.Don's also about to embark on a doowop song for a guy he met over the net in Cleveland Ohio……The Wednesday night jam sessions are going well….what is fascinating is you think you know songs you’ve played for years until you do the same song with someone else in a different key……Don's lad has just completed a 12 mile organised mud run…….12 miles crawling through mud and carrying logs over electrified fences etc…..arranged by the Army…who else?

There seem to be a lot of “comebacks” at the moment….there was a bloke on the tele who was such a big fan of The Smiths (who are threatening to re-form) he got Morrisey to sign his arm and then got a tattoo over the signature. All very dutiful…but this bloke is 50!!...Don went to Liverpool in the week to soak up the atmosphere……while he was there he thought he’d pop into a huge store and buy his daughter-in- law a present. He saw a penguin which lights up for about 40 quid…so he went to the desk to ask how to buy it….after 5 minutes of waiting for a young shopgirl to come off her mobile........ Don decided to go back to the display and try and find another member of staff…which wasn’t easy…then he spotted one walking past…staff training!...Prince William was the subject of a photoshoot while he was doing his work for the RAF on Anglesey…all good stuff…but when the photos were put out for his subjects to see there were MOD passwords on the wall in the background….OOPS….......Someone has come up with the idea of making disruptive pupils wear a bright yellow jacket so teachers will be able to spot them…GONE are the dunces' caps ….this will REALLY teach them a lesson…. …On a lighter note…Don once met BATMAN!!!...the REAL one (Adam West)..he was doing a booksigning in Liverpool ….you had to buy his book if you wanted an autograph..so Don got in the queue and eventually came face to face with the Caped Crusader…..he scribbled his name in the book and Don said “I’d like to thank you for all the good work you did on behalf of the citizens of Gotham City”…….he said ....

We've been saying for weeks that people who make allegations should be checked out and brought to task if found to be false…..the bloke who called a Tory peer a child abuser has suddenly decided he had the wrong bloke…....so his Lordship is now going for the Beeb and anyone who twittered libellous comments…. and this guy’s got the money to do it…..the problem these days is organisations like the BBC are run by young upstart yuppies who have no experience of life……it’s time this freedom of speech bit was sorted….you’d be jailed for libel in Russia. Robert Powell was on a chat show recently….he is married to one of the 60s dance group Pan’s People and he said that the BBC were very strict on who could get into the Top of the Pops studio…..you had to be OVER 16……interesting eh? On a lighter note Don had to laugh at the news that someone had broken into the TOWER OF LONDON and got away….if you can burgle that place you can burgle ANYWHERE….the police haven’t found him! On the showbiz front a bunch of local popstars have signed a guitar which fetched £6000 for kids hospices….people like the Stone Roses and The Gallaghers…great stuff…should be more of this type....and, finally, Don was once on Newsnight…..back in the day….commissioned to write and record a comedy song about the Knowsley North Bye-election….and he appeared on the programme busking his song in the street…

The Krankies have recorded the song Don sent them for the Panto in Glasgow…and he's also working on a project for a young girl . Don's working on an album of original doowop songs…Bonfire night came and went…with the usual injuries around the area….. why do the morons throw bricks at the fire engines?... There is a woman in the States who has set up a business….she will cuddle you for an hour for $35…..ONLY a cuddle...Don thinks controlling one’s instincts for an hour is asking a lot. .. we are in for a load more ALLEGATIONS…. Eddie Izzard was on the tele today…what an incredible bloke….he is about to tour the world with his comedy which he does in different languages... AND he ran 50 consecutive marathons……the guy is superhuman and very clever…... do you watch Strictly Come Dancing? The orchestra are a bit special and did you know that the black guy on vocals is Lionel Hampton’s son?.....and we discussed the time share hard sellers last week……I ended up with free car hire…Sony walkmans …and bought nothing…the secret will be revealed in this podcast

Don's looking at scams which are still catching unsuspecting victims in the UK. The Queen has revealed how she became part of the 007 scene and Don tells us how Adrian Street wrestled Jimmy Saville. The footballers are scrutinised and Trick and Treating is also part of the podcast. It would not be fair to finish the podcast without extending our best wishes to all those suffering the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy.

On the news front ......The blind guy who was Tazered by the police is suing them……..and the Savile thing is gaining momentum….it will be interesting to see who’s next for the firing line…apparently there are 10 more suspects.......They had an item on the news about the Rubik Cube world championships…….these young lads were solving the thing in SECONDS…unbelievable. Part of the contest involves doing it BLINDFOLD!!!!...I’m sure these talents could be channelled into something that could make them a fortune............On the political front it has been suggested that pensioners should WORK for their pensions…DOH!! Correct me if I’m wrong but doesn’t a pension give us the money back which we have put in?... The Government are telling the gas and electric companies to get their acts together and offer the cheapest tariff to their customers without them having to have a degree in accountancy. Apparently the cost of power has gone down but the big companies are saying that they bought it in when it was more expensive…yeah..sure.

Because of the wet weather the price of food is going to have to go up…..too rainy for the crops…...and talking of crops some old guy and his missus bought a plant from a car boot sale which turned out to be a cannabis plant….which attracted the attention of PC Plod…I can understand why how he didn’t... know because I wouldn’t have…There is a bit of a hulabaloo about the price of going to a footy match….apparently the cheapest ticket is 20 odd quid…a pie £3…a cup of tea £2.50… but you can pay up to £125 a game...a young pal of mine has got a season ticket for Liverpool home games…800 quid….he also pays out for the away games….that’s just one bloke!!..imagine a family of four. .apparently someone reported seeing a man wandering around with a samuri sword…so the police spotted this poor fella with his white stick (which they thought was a samuri sword) and told him to stop…

We can now injure any burglar we find in our house….providing we don’t overdo it. This is the latest legislation from our great leader. On that subject, a classic recent story….some yobs tried to pinch AMIR KHAN’S car….and he caught them….and knocked ten bells out of the lot of them…great stuff. The moral of the story is if you are going to nick a car don’t nick Amir Khan’s. I’m a fan of Gary Barlowe but my admiration is slowly fading.What is he doing getting involved in the phoney set ups on the X Factor?...the guy should stick to songwriting and stay far away from 10th rate rubbish. It has to be the lowest form of entertainment…and must cost nothing to produce…bring back pro entertainers….whose grannies haven’t just passed away. The Saville saga is still going on…..and how much is it all costing…and who’s paying?...a few bob for those poor hard up solicitors? Genuine claims obviously should be looked into….but false claims should be dealt with in the same manner…with the same ferocity….get the facts and make ONE statement ! Next, the Space Shuttle in America…they are moving it from L.A. to California for its final resting place….they have to chop down trees and take down traffic lights etc to get it through the streets at 2 miles per hour…….all very scientific til you see a bloke walking in front of it with a hand held remote…..now that IS some responsibility….one wrong button and there goes the grocers….great stuff. I was up in Lancaster for a few days last week and decided to have a couple of hours in Morecambe to see if it had improved at all since I was there last about two years ago….it hasn’t. It really needs help…considering what it has with a great expanse of waterfront someone should get a grip…it’s a dump….boarded up shops etc…shame.