Don Woods

Massive world changing news this week…..”experts” have stated that they now know that more women than men believe in God…..yep we had ten minutes on this incredible information, ALSO there has been a change in the exercise situation….we don’t have to run…we can walk…and 10 minutes a day will do…so there you are…isn’t that worth the licence fee….and…wait for it….it’s TRUE... that carrots help you see in the dark….there’s something in them that improved your eyesight….Buggs Bunny will be delighted with this national news. The latest nonsense is the intention to pass a law requiring cigarettes to be sold only in plain packets….this will put people off buying them…the rotting tar covered lung on the packet apparently isn’t doing the trick. I watched some of the TV awards with the highly talented Ant and Dec getting their annual trophy. This was during a week where it was impossible to find ANYTHING worth watching….Stars In Their Eyes…or should I say The Harry Hill Show…I’ve always quite liked Harry Hill…until now…Harry (over the) Hill.. There’s a new programme about “fails” where they simply take clips off YouTube…then we have Benidorm…..oh dear … it was so bad I switched over to BBC 4 and watched “Top Of The Pops 1972” only to be greeted by Paul Jones followed by Rod Stewart and Freddy flamin’ Garrity…..life doesn’t get much worse. 5.Sad news about the death of Ann Kirkbride off Coronation Street….it had a lot of press coverage and is indeed very sad….but there’s a strange phenomena in this country where people actually BELIEVE that soaps are real life…they march and put up posters requesting someone or other be released from jail etc…..IT’S A PLAY…that’s all….they are ACTORS!!....and we wonder why he country has it’s problems…can’t say too much because I know you watch the soaps !!!!

The song I’ve sent you this week was the first one I presented wrestler Adrian Street with (in 1980) ……this was to result in me writing and recording 22 songs for him on two L.P. s and going over to the States and doing TV etc….the songs have recently come back to haunt me- as an independent record company want to re-release the stuff on coloured vinyl… Not that I watch big Brother…it’s about as bad as television gets…but the news has featured one of the celebs being removed because he made racist comments……which left me wondering what happened to free speech?....I think a large percentage of the population need to get over themselves… Our wonderful Government has announced that more schools are required because of the increase in the young population…and it will cost…wait for it….12 billion pounds….. to put it into perspective the population of the world is 7 billion….so if there is a spare 12 billion why not give the whole world a couple of quid each?... There is such a shortage of news the BBC are bombarding us with the latest scare tactics….we are all living longer…and there wont be enough money to fund whoever is going to look after us…HELP!!...but we can help by EXERCISING…. On a lighter note I have been contacted by an American TV company who feature unusual places to visit and have asked if they can use my Llanfair P.G. song…….I looked the company up on the net and saw that they have been nominated for an Emmy award…so we’ll see what happens.

The song I’ve sent you this week was the extended version of a jingle I did for Norman Thomas on Radio City. It was for a daily competition he used to have on his programme called “What have I got in my hand” whereby he would give out clues as to what he was holding and the public phoned in with their guesses….the winner getting 20 quid. It was really funny stuff and Norman did a great job…he sadly died a few years ago….I did quite a bit of stuff for him…he was a great bloke I watched the Michael Buble Christmas show just before Xmas and was well impressed…I thought it was real quality…unlike the John Bishop comedy show…whatever happened to FUNNY…he wasn’t even slightly funny and the string of comedians he had on weren’t much better….these guys are in serious need of good comedy writers…they seem to think they can do it on their own…they are wrong. I went up to Carnforth in The Lake District for a few days up to Xmas Eve to take in the ambience….it BUCKETED down so Bowness didn’t look too Chistmassy….then we spent a reasonably dry day in Lancaster…which is one of my favourite cities….it has a certain magical charm about it with it’s collection of shops and restaurants and the wonderful castle…great place to visit. I wish someone would start a movement to ban played out Christmas records on TV and radio….while travelling up to the Lakes we had radio 2 on….one after the other…simply having a wonderful Christmas time…all I want for Christmas is you….have yourself a merry little Christmas…etc etc etc…for goodness sake GIVE US A BREAK !!!…is there no imagination in the world…there MUST be new songs out there…thank goodness it’s over…I can’t take much more. The Krankies panto in Glasgow has received great reviews…they were on with John Barrowman in Cinderella….the panto includes all sorts of effects including 3D….where a giant spider wreaks havoc over the audience…The Krankies are friends of mine and I have written loads of stuff for them over the years…for this panto I wrote a parody of Miley Cirus’s “wrecking ball”…...I’d be on for a free ticket but it’s a bit far away.

The song I’ve sent you this week ....... I wrote and recorded as the B side to Beatle City which you played a while back….it was a vinyl single which the then Merseyside County Council Tourism Dept commissioned from me. It sold well and I think you’ll enjoy the sentiment. There has been a bit of an outcry regarding Cheryl Cole’s “live” performance on the X Factor…..fortunately I didn’t see it….it was alleged she was miming…but they deny it…COURSE SHE WAS MIMING…SHE CAN’T SING!!!....it’s as if it’s a big surprise….The X Factor proves you can kid most of the people most of the time… It’s Children In Need time again….I find all this stuff somewhat annoying year after year….Heavens above I hate the thought of ANY kiddie injured or starving….I help run a children’s charity myself every week…but when I hear the talentless Terry Wogan bleating on about how £2 can save a life etc…….why not have a collection from Jonathan Ross,Wogan,Beckham,all the politicians in their mansions,all the footballers…and those in charge of the forthcoming rail link…etc….PROBLEM SOLVED !!....the likes of these could solve the problem and not even miss the money. I was on about “nobility” last week….I think a lot of this “we’re above it all” attitude is on it’s way out…..I’ve always disliked the Golf Club mentality where everyone grovels around the captain…and sailing clubs with the”Commodore” etc….my band was a function band so I saw this sort of snoberry at close range from masonics to every kind of society….I naturally went along with it because I was getting PAID but I always found it hard to believe that some,not all,of these types really think they are above everyone else….however as the generations change these organisations are struggling to survive….local golf clubs here are offering a weeks golf for 15 quid….looks like modern youngsters wont put up with pomposity….good for them. .At the moment I seem to be in demand….I have been approached by an American film company who are making a documentary on North Wales and want to use my Llanfair P.G. song…no problems there as long as I appear in the credits….I was also approached by a record company who want to put out the songs I wrote for wrestler Adrian Street in the 80’s…they want to put an album out on coloured vinyl….I’ve sent them copies of the masters (after brushing off the cobwebs)…so that’s as far as I want to be involved….so seeing as I have all the songs (22 of them) I have decided to bring out a CD album myself….I’ve been in touch with Adrian and he’s sent me a load of hilarious photos which I will use on a promo video for YouTube…he told me that a drama company want to do a musical of his life story….is the world ready for this?

The song I’ve sent you is from an interesting period of my songselling activities. It was originally written for the Blackpool tourism dept and it was called “It’s Blackpool Magic”…they didn’t want it so I changed the lyrics to “Long Live The Isle of Man”…sent it to Norman Wisdom who lived over there ............ I was quite moved when I watched “Rock Around The Clock” on the TV recently….this was the film which changed the direction of my life in 1956 when I saw it on the pictures…it still has that same magic…as John Lennon once said “before rock and roll there was nothing”….what surprised me was one of Bill Haley’s Comets played an accordion…unbelievable…a classic film. As always there is the annual debate about bonfire night…WHY?... I was watching the programme they had on the guy who cracked the Enigma code…thus saving thousands of lives and helping to end the war…but oh no…that’s of no importance …HE WAS A HOMOSEXUAL!!... Nothing has changed in this country….as I always say it’s serfs and noblemen…if the Sheriff of Nottingham decided to extend his land he would have.......

The track I’ve sent you this week is frmo the album “Portrait of Wales” which I produced for my mate Paul Damian….. Went to The Floral Pavilion Thursday night to see “The Magic of Motown”…absolutely brilliant….packed house all on their feet…worth every penny. There was a Portuguese lady on one of the news programmes stating that the Brits are always complaining about foreigners coming into the country yet they are virtually taking over Portugal… On the same topic the police burst into Cliff Richard’s house (while he’s away on holiday) and ransacked it…. I’m back in touch with my mate Adrian Street….and recently we have been approached by an independent record company who want to put the stuff out there again…

The track I’ve sent you this week is called “The 4122” which was the last train down the Wirral way before they closed the line and converted it into the present footpath and cycle track. There can’t be enough to fill the news so the BBC have resorted to reporting “killer” mussels which are arriving in the Thames from foreign climes ..this together with “killer” shrimps which are already here it’s time to worry about this and not the threat from terrorists. I pay £285 road tax and there is a move afoot to ask people in local constituencies to volunteer to fill in potholes in the road…. The NHS have been on strike…first one in 35 years because Mr.Hunt has decided we can’t afford the ONE PERCENT wage increase they are asking for…says the man who will get a NINE percent rise. Mind you people who keep us alive can’t possibly be as important as a high speed rail link that no-one wants…and costs BILLIONS. My pal informed me he is making a will and against my advice he went to a solicitor…...even Dick Turpin wore a mask.

The song I have sent you this week is about everyone’s favourite lady Una Stubbs…...she said she was delighted with the song and THANKED me for the compliment…. After the recent Liverpool Everton Derby game a pal of mine told me that as the fans walked past his house there was an Everton supporter ..it’s a FOOTBALL MATCH…that’s all…but to some morons it’s warfare…........ There has been a lot of publicity surrounding “Trolling”… I recently watched John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten) on morning TV... The BBC have recently been spending our licence fees on making serious attempts to promote classical music to the masses........

The song I’ve sent you this week is one I composed and produced in the 80s for the Scout Movement….”Scouts of The World”....As you know the scouts began in Birkenhead in 1908 by Baden Powell… I was again a bit taken aback by our wonderful legal system….Dave Lee Travis…who was cleared of 11 out of 12 sexual assault cases was found guilty of one INDECENT assault … On a similar note Stella McCartney has upset the feminist brigade by saying girls should be gentle and show their frailty instead of trying to prove they are just as good as any man… Last week we were discussing postal scams where people were told they have won a fortune and letting their greed get in the way of their better judgement…WELL…believe it or not I got one of these letters THIS WEEK… I watched a drama on the tele about a guy called Neil Baldwin who suffered with learning difficulties….it was a true story of how this guy dealt with the problem…amongst his many strange adventures he approached Stoke City FC and asked Lou Macari if he needed help…

.The song I've sent is one I wrote for wrestler Adrian Street and was one of the first records I made on my independent label...."I'm In Love With Me" We got so much mileage out of this minor "classic".. Despite the stick we took on this song Adrian went to live and work in the States and had a video made of the song which was played a lot on MTV. There has been a big issue here about people being scammed through the post... After the Scottish fiasco they are now talking about home rule for councils.. The "experts" are at it again....must be no news....it has been suggested that rugby players bathe separately after the match...otherwise they might get skin problems or boils etc.. It is the 20th anniversary of "Friends" which in my opinion was the best comedy series ever...consistently good and brilliantly written...

Thank goodness the Scottish referendum is over… This week I have found one of my ancient classic novelty songs which I composed for The Liverpool Health Authority. “The Exercise Song” went down really well….….it aint rock and roll but it’s close…. ....speaking of Liverpool did you see the drama about Cilla?...Rory Storm with black hair?...and The Beatles looked nothing like…a little bit more effort to detail would have been better. The BBC coverage of the Oscar Pistorious trial was ridiculous…........ Remaining on the subject of getting ripped off…my car tax is due…£285 a year… Sunday Night At The Palladium is back….which will sort the wheat out from the chaff… it’s now O.K. to have salt…it’s SUGAR that’s gonna see you off. .....and finally there was a short announcement regarding a space satellite which has landed successfully on a planet 250,000 miles away….and hey the surface was rougher than they thought…

I spent this afternoon on my kayak in Chester….it was paradise…so I thought I’d send you a tribute to this wonderful city which I composed many years ago…it was actually a B side of a vinyl…the A side was a song I did about Chester Zoo which I sold to the Zoo who used it on radio and TV adverts (handy royalties)…this is my original version of the song…the one I marketed to the Zoo was sung by a good friend of mine called Julie Bright who I used on a lot of my demos which required a female vocal…she was great. Bit of a panic going on around here regarding “necessary” financial cuts which have to be made because of cash shortage…this doesn’t seem to effect things down south as the politicians have awarded themselves a 9% wage increase…I’m so happy for them….no wonder Scotland want to get out of it all…this will be the news now for the next couple of weeks….I’m thinking of starting an “Independent Wirral” campaign…..I’ve never believed in aliens but when I look at our government I’m beginning to wonder. I’m delighted that the little lad with the medical problem is getting sorted out after his parents recent disgraceful ordeal…but WHY do they have to have BBC reporters outside the hospital in Spain and then in Prague?...just TELL us the news instead of giving these reporters a free holiday on the licence fee…same thing with the new royal baby….we have to sit and look at some reporter struggling to fill in the time outside the hospital…telling us NOTHING!!!....GIVE US SOME NEWS!!...or refund our licence!! The Tate Gallery in Liverpool is having an exhibition of modern art…hmm…I maybe totally wrong but I just don’t see four or five squares painted on a canvass as being art?...it’s rubbish….but the “experts” are all gathered round drooling over this stuff….I thought Tracy Emin’s unmade bed on display was pretty hard to take but this tripe…..I must be missing something….people can certainly get fooled these days. I remember years ago when someone put a canvass on the floor of a scrapyard and got kids to throw paint over it and ride their BMXs over it…the finished job was put on display and all the “experts” (who didn’t know haw it was produced) could see real “meaning” in this work of art…what a bunch of plonkers Did you see my mate Prince Harry on the news….they asked him about his thoughts on the new royal babba…he said he was delighted…and they then said this would take him further down the line for the throne…he just laughed and said “Yeah…GREAT!!”…..he is working with injured army guys and girls getting them into sport…you gotta love this lad.

After slating the X Factor last week I thought I’d have a look at the new series to see if had improved…horrendous…it’s even worse than ever. It’s the arrogance of the judges that gets me…Cheryl Cole and Mel B telling someone they are out of tune….rich coming from two talentless females who have spent their careers MIMING. The programme is a perfect example of the level of intellect of the British viewing public…I salute Cowell on cashing in on this. The news has been heavily covering the case of Ashya King…the little lad who was taken out of a hospital here and taken to Spain because the parents were not happy with the treatment here…because they took their kid without consent the wonderful legal system drags them through the courts and sends them in handcuffs to jail…is it me or is the world losing the plot?...to drag ANYONE through the courts is a dreadful ordeal…let alone innocent parents…at least the Spanish judge saw sense and tossed the case out….the whole thing was a disgrace and I hope the parents get a good solicitor and sue the lot of them !!! The EU strikes again!!....everyone is panic buying vacuum cleaners because the EU will soon be making a law to restrict the power to 900 watts or something….then it will be coffee perculators and microwaves etc…apparently this will save the planet…great stuff…here’s some facts while we are on the subject of the EU Pythagoras’s theorem had 29 words The Lords Prayer has 66 words Archimede’s Principle has 67 words The 10 Commandments has 179 words The Gettysburg address has 286 words The EU regulations on the sale of CABBAGES has…….29,911 words I rest my case They had a programme on Prince Harry at 30……no matter which way you swing with the Royals this lad has it all….what a guy…he does so much for so many charities and makes the rest of the Royals look a bit sad….great programme…I think it will open a lot of eyes…great example to his generation. The song I’ve sent you this week “The Story of Skiffle” is a tribute to where it all began…..it’s a song I wrote for a mate of mine (sadly passed away) round about 2000…..he played it to Chas McDevitt (of Freight Train fame) who suggested he sends it to Finland for the annual Skiffle Convention….which he did and we were invited to perform there….so we threw a skiffle group together and off we went…a great experience.

.Sad news about Richard Attenborough....He was in one of the funniest sketches I've ever seen...it was about 25 years ago in a programme called "Alas it's Smith and Jones"....with Mel Smith and Griff Rhys Jones.....he said he had just completed filming Ghandi and required the music track...to which Mel said he had the man to do it...the best...Griff then turns up on a pushbike with a banjo and sings a ridiculous song in a 48 track studio....Sir Richard played it dead straight concluding with "GET HIM OUT OF HERE!!"....I always admire anyone who sends themselves up.....great guy. Kate Bush has recently made a comeback after 30 odd years...and stormed it in a live concert...rave reviews....never quite got her...bit too far out for my taste...but good luck to her....however I did like the orchestration on Wuthering Heights….and unfortunately the X Factor is returning….the least talent being behind the judges desk The Nanny State strikes again!!....some bright spark who is obviously trying to create a job for himself has suggested that the over 50's should be advised (via a leaflet) on how to handle forthcoming old age...re organising pensions and how to keep fit etc.....OVER 50's!!!!!....then another bright spark suggested this was too young...maybe OVER 65s....I looked at these blokes and thought I'm better looking...more intelligent....and more talented than both of them put together...they know where they can stick their advice. When a nine year old girl gets taught how to use an automatic weapon (with drastic consequences) one has to seriously question the mentality of Americans….they are so quick to condemn others….what a hypocritical nation they are……and the “proud” parents filming it……I despair. The song I have sent you this week should be close to your heart as it's about your home......The Wirral Song.....this came to me when I was standing on Thurstaston Hill in the 80s and thought there's the Mersey...there's the Dee...and there's the Irish Sea....gotta be a song there so I came up with this one....I took it to the Wirral Council who ordered 4000 copies to promote their leisure services...I wrote a a Bside (as it was vinyl) about the Wirral Way....the song actually made the local Top Ten as compiled by one of the local major stores

Cliff….oh dear…the witch hunt continues…as usual no charges – probably no real evidence…yet he’s all over the papers….guilty before he’s even spoken to. I think we are all getting a bit sick of all this….I’m not a fan of Cliff as you know (he just wont go away) BUT he has got a bit of a rough ride ahead of him and I do feel for him….his faithful fans are buying his record in an attempt to get it to the top of the charts….the whole thing is a disgrace and all this trial by media needs sorting out…preferably by a judge who can keep awake. 2.Jon Culshaw is back on the tele….I am a massive fan…I love impressionists (your mate Paul Melba being a top rater) and Jon Culshaw is the best…he is so funny and talented. I’ve always found impressionists to be really entertaining especially live….give me a good one as opposed to a good singer any day. He was on Aled Jones’s Sunday morning programme (which is excellent) and he was brilliant. 3.There’s a new celebrity challenge programme reared its head called “Tumble”…and involves celebs doing acrobatics (after weeks of training) live….seems to me to be an accident waiting to happen….the panel of judges mark them on their efforts…and soon the public will be able to vote by phone…like the public know what they are talking about….which will make a few bob for ITV….can’t see the point myself…another dud…I didn’t think anything could be worse than “Splash”….but I was wrong. 4.You’ve gotta laugh in this country….everyone is moaning about the intended increase in train fares….the authorities reckon it’s to maintain the tracks etc…and the companies only get 3p in the pound profit….so why create another service which will cost BILLIONS?...that’s a lot of 3ps….and where’s the money coming from?.....no wonder the new high speed service has suddenly gone quiet….keep building fellas while nobody is noticing….and hope the farmers don’t see you ruining their land. 5.The song I have attached is called “Beatle City” which I was commissioned to compose around the mid 80s by the then Merseyside County Council. They wanted it to be called by the title but I felt it was cashing in a bit….but when you get a big order for a vinyl 45 you go along with their wishes….I talked them into creating their own label thus becoming the first council to release a record….they sold it in the libraries and souvenir shops etc and it sold very well…the B side was a rocker called Merseybeat Memories which mentioned a load of old groups. It’s always nice to sell a job lot. I don’t think I have a copy of the 45…..MIGHT BE WORTH A FORTUNE NOW!!!!