Me1 vs Me2 Snooker with Richard Herring

Frame 27: Wherever I Lay My Cue - It's New Year's Eve and even by the low standards of Me1 vs Me2 snooker this is a tired and rambling affair: the players too knackered to line up their shots and the commentators too exhausted to describe how bad they are. In any decent universe you'd never get to hear this, someone would intervene and insist that it was destroyed and that the person responsible be sent away for a long rest (no pun intended). But there is no one to stop this and if you want to stay in one of the dwindling band of people who have heard every second of this atrocity against humanity then you are forced to endure it. And it's worth it, because there is an unexpectedly thrilling denouement. Who will claim the title of winner of the last frame of the year? There's only one way to find out. Listen to this or ask someone who has listened to tell you. Or go and look on Mike Stoner's website. That's right. Just one way to find out. Happy New Year. What snookering delights will occur in 2013? Will we all still be doing this in another year's time? Oh God. No.

Frame 26: Red and Green Baubles - It's Chriiiiiissssstmasssss at the Shepherd's Bush Tridecahedron and the world has not ended - how could it when the result of Me 1 vs Me 2 snooker is as yet undecided? Santa Claus has six empty sacks (pockets) and he hopes they will be bulging by the end of the frame, but who will be the recipient of the Christmas miracle of victory. It's been an emotional year of changes in the Me vs Me Snooker world and tears of joy and/or defeat are in danger of spilling on the green baize. But even Father Christmas can't move at the speed of the potting action of the Very, Very Strong Gale. The lives of sick children depend on his victory. Will he let even more of his terminally ill fans down? Happy Christmas and here's to a new year with a lot more snooker in it.

Frame 25: Disease - A mystery illness has infected everyone involved in the snooker podcast but foolishly they all decide to proceed with the match. And it's a dull, snot-splattered, cough-filled half an hour which might well infect you if you are foolish enough to listen. Me1s wife has put up a Christmas tree in the Shepherd's Bush Quadrilateral, which is only going to impede play (what's more important here? Christmas or self-playing snooker), but suspensions have been served and maybe it's time to get back to what this podcast is all about, finding out which of two loosely defined and fairly arbitrary characters played by the same person is the best at snooker. There's thrills, but no spills. Did one of the players steal Richard Herring's identity and money? You will not find out the answer today.

Frame 24 - Crime and Punishment. After last week's despicable outburst from a player who should perhaps know better the Me vs Me Snooker association president is here to hand down retribution. I hope the game can survive this period of turmoil, but that remains to be seen. But the game must go on and there is some scintillating action for you to enjoy right from the get go today. Commentator 2 had thought of something clever to say earlier in the week, but when he gets the chance to say it the whole thing totally slips his mind. Listen out for that. He covers quite well, but it's still disappointment. Hopefully we can get back to what makes this podcast great, one man playing himself at snooker while commentating on it himself and forget all the extraneous issues of love, sexuality and of course race. There's some awesome snooker playing going on here. I hope Stefanie in America who doesn't know what snooker is enjoys it especially.

Frame 23: Homophobia. There's an unpleasant atmosphere hanging over the Shepherd's Bush Rhomboid today and a lacklustre podcast reveals the reactionary and unpleasant attitudes that are alas still prevalent in professional self-playing snooker. Yet in spite of that it still feels like there is something (or someone?) important missing from this once glorious audio event. We don't know what the future will bring, all we know is that today two players took to the green baize of the snooker board, perhaps with more than potting the pink in their mind. You will see the ugly face of Me vs Me snooker today, or at least hear that face, but when it comes down to it, we're all equal on the snooker board. Until one of us wins, then they are the best. Who will win today? Are you really still listening? Maybe at this stage we're all losers. It's the worst podcast yet by some distance. Which in itself is an impressive achievement.

Frame 22: The Breath of Fresh Air - Without giving too much away it's all change at the Shepherd's Bush Isosceles. Desperate times call for desperate measures and it's time to broaden the appeal of this sport and hopefully capture a new young audience who will bring with them valuable advertising revenue. The Mes may be in turmoil but surely that can only add to the soap opera of the snooker board. All life is here and the new broom that sweeps in to the field of battle today might well hold some decades old resentments which in turn creates some scintillating action. It's another roller coaster frame and there's no way of knowing which Me will win, but there's a good chance of you working out which Me definitely won't.

Frame 22: The Breath of Fresh Air - Without giving too much away it's all change at the Shepherd's Bush Isosceles. Desperate times call for desperate measures and it's time to broaden the appeal of this sport and hopefully capture a new young audience who will bring with them valuable advertising revenue. The Mes may be in turmoil but surely that can only add to the soap opera of the snooker board. All life is here and the new broom that sweeps in to the field of battle today might well hold some decades old resentments which in turn creates some scintillating action. It's another roller coaster frame and there's no way of knowing which Me will win, but there's a good chance of you working out which Me definitely won't.

Frame 21: After last week's debacle all the Mes are hoping that there will be no recording malfunctions, but if you were disappointed to miss the most exciting frame ever - Frame 20 - then 21 should make up for it. Because the stakes are love versus death. It's a sombre and poignant atmosphere, made slightly spooky by some Rock Band guitars being moved perhaps by some Halloween spirit. There won't be a dry eye in the house after the astonishing denouement. Steel yourself for a harrowing 30 minutes of audio self-playing snooker. The Sony Award is in the bag.

Frame 20: Tascam disaster - Me2 is playing against the force of love? Can he destroy it and win? In one of the most exciting and unbelievable frames of Me snooker ever you might have found out, but Me2's dressing gown sleeve caught on the Tascam and destroyed the recording as it reached its thrilling climax. The result still stands but alas all you will hear is a sad summing up of the frame and the post match interviews. Disaster!

Frame 20: Tascam disaster - Me2 is playing against the force of love? Can he destroy it and win? In one of the most exciting and unbelievable frames of Me snooker ever you might have found out, but Me2's dressing gown sleeve caught on the Tascam and destroyed the recording as it reached its thrilling climax. The result still stands but alas all you will hear is a sad summing up of the frame and the post match interviews. Disaster!

Frame 19: Clunk Click - Both players are a bit tired out after a late night drive home from Sheffield (home of the boring, old-fashioned, corrupt person vs person world snooker championship - who cares) and yet their fatigue seems to loosen both of them up for one of the most thrilling and skilled frames yet. You will be able to listen to what is already being called the single best shot of the entire series. It's just a shame you won't be able to see it. Who was the doppelganger that somebody photographed in Portsmouth and can he come along and play a frame at some point? Can the out of form player turn his tournament around? What shape is the auditorium this week? Is love so strong a force that it can be harnessed to win sporting events? When will the players set out on a countrywide tour? Is this really going to go on forever? Some of these questions may be answered in the 19th episode of this turgid and odd podcast.

Frame 18: Shattered dreams, shattered glass. It's all kicking off at the Shepherd's Bush Trapezoid, broken glass litters the floor after this scintillating contest of sporting giants. But how did it get broken and did either of the Mes get hurt? Did one of them glass the other in a misguided attempt to gain an advantage in this crucial frame. Both players have raised the stakes, Me 1 is gambling his very marriage on this, whilst Me 2 is toying with the lives of his terminally ill young fans - something has to give. In a frame that includes some of the best shots of the tournament and almost certainly the worst, there's everything to play for. Or is it there's nothing to play for and this is all a pointless waste of time for us all. I always get those two confused.

Frame 17: A Tuna Fish's Green Jaws - Emotions are running high at the Shepherd's Bush Dodecahedron. Has marriage destroyed the dynamic, even the friendship of the two competitors? Has the fame of being in a weekly podcast downloaded by over 5000 people gone to the participants' head? And if so, why? 30,000 people downloaded the first one. If anything they're less famous now. Your allegiances may shift as we see some surprising sides to both Me1 and Me2 - only Referee 1 and Commentator 1 seem to be holding it together at all as the podcast and Richard's brain both threaten to unravel from within. But the snooker is blistering and exciting. Plus the best largely visual impression of Alan Rickman that you will ever listen to. And that's a guarantee.

Frame 16: The Postman Only Rings Once - Richard has a lot of proper work to do, so of course he retreats to his basement to talk to himself for half an hour. And there's a chance it is just himself now. Can anyone still be listening? Both Mes are happy as there's a sofa in the Shepherd's Bush Rhomboid now which they can sit in between shots. And referee fans get an exciting development. Commentator 2 gets loquacious all of a sudden and Me1's wife gets disturbed just as she's chopping up some chicken for her husband's lunch. Is she already regretting her marriage? Does she wish her spouse (or one of his incarnations) might actually get on with some paid work? Will she give a post-match interview so all these questions can be answered? No. There's some great snooker on offer though. Shame you can't see it.

Frame 15: The Shepherd's Bush Rhomboid has been renovated and it now open for business and in a tribute to Prince Harry's naked pool antics and Princess Katie's bap papping everyone is in the nude - even Referee 2 is working without gloves. You will start to thank the Lord that this is still an audio podcast (but don't forget you can see a video frame on the newly released 'What Is Love, Anyway?' DVD from www.gofasterstripe.com). The nudity adds little to the action and it's a boring podcast as each of the characters struggles to remember who he is and why he's doing this and where his clothes are and how to play snooker. But over 5000 of you are still listening to this and we have to get rid of you somehow. If only the match itself wasn't so darn exciting. Who will win? And who will be the first to smash the flat screen TV that has been foolishly placed on the wall of the renovated auditorium? And when will Referee 1 return and why is no one demanding this?