Me1 vs Me2 Snooker with Richard Herring

Frame 38 - Scotch - Me1 and Me2 and the team have headed north for the fledgling Edinburgh Festival of Sport and are playing for the Scotch Cup (the result also counts in their ongoing never-ending battle). And for the first time ever hoards of Me1 and Me2 fans have been allowed into the arena to see how the podcast is put together and to witness how accurately Commentator 1 (and to a lesser extent Commentator 2) describe the physical events through the medium of words. These lucky few, who will be able to tell their grandchildren they were there when the popular pastime of watching self-playing sport was invented, get to see what the players and the referee look like (though not the commentators who stayed safe in their commentary box) and to see their very different style of play. The players however were slightly flummoxed, mainly due to the fact that Scottish snooker boards have much smaller pockets and seemingly some kind of magnetic field running beneath them, but also because the crowd openly derided their play by laughing at almost their every move. This is a serious sporting contest and in future (if we ever do this again) it would be as well to remember to show these sporting professionals the respect they deserve. If anyone wants to buy the excellent snooker board that was used in this frame (worth £200) signed by all the players and commentators (you must also pick up the board or arrange for delivery) then please email Richard at herring1967@gmail.com with your offer. Highest bidder gets it. All your money will go to Scope (as do the profits - if any - of tonight's frame).

Frame 38 - Scotch - Me1 and Me2 and the team have headed north for the fledgling Edinburgh Festival of Sport and are playing for the Scotch Cup (the result also counts in their ongoing never-ending battle). And for the first time ever hoards of Me1 and Me2 fans have been allowed into the arena to see how the podcast is put together and to witness how accurately Commentator 1 (and to a lesser extent Commentator 2) describe the physical events through the medium of words. These lucky few, who will be able to tell their grandchildren they were there when the popular pastime of watching self-playing sport was invented, get to see what the players and the referee look like (though not the commentators who stayed safe in their commentary box) and to see their very different style of play. The players however were slightly flummoxed, mainly due to the fact that Scottish snooker boards have much smaller pockets and seemingly some kind of magnetic field running beneath them, but also because the crowd openly derided their play by laughing at almost their every move. This is a serious sporting contest and in future (if we ever do this again) it would be as well to remember to show these sporting professionals the respect they deserve. If anyone wants to buy the excellent snooker board that was used in this frame (worth £200) signed by all the players and commentators (you must also pick up the board or arrange for delivery) then please email Richard at herring1967@gmail.com with your offer. Highest bidder gets it. All your money will go to Scope (as do the profits - if any - of tonight's frame).

Frame 37 - Roundhead versus Cavalier - In the rush to commercially exploit the Royal Baby Fever that is sweeping the country the Mes get together to bring out this special and collectible Royal Baby edition of the Royal Family's favourite self-playing snooker audio podcast. But one of the players isn't happy about it. Can you guess which one? It's also an opportunity for the Mes to promote the first ever live frame of self-playing snooker which will be taking place at Assembly 3 in Edinburgh on 12th August at 9.30pm. Buy tickets here - http://www.assemblyfestival.com/event.php?id=730. But, you know, there's also a very exciting frame of snooker to listen to. Who will win? Oooh, I am excited to find out. I am not even pretending.

Frame 37 - Roundhead versus Cavalier - In the rush to commercially exploit the Royal Baby Fever that is sweeping the country the Mes get together to bring out this special and collectible Royal Baby edition of the Royal Family's favourite self-playing snooker audio podcast. But one of the players isn't happy about it. Can you guess which one? It's also an opportunity for the Mes to promote the first ever live frame of self-playing snooker which will be taking place at Assembly 3 in Edinburgh on 12th August at 9.30pm. Buy tickets here - http://www.assemblyfestival.com/event.php?id=730. But, you know, there's also a very exciting frame of snooker to listen to. Who will win? Oooh, I am excited to find out. I am not even pretending.

Frame 36 - More Rich Lavalier - It's exciting times for audiophiles (you disgust me) as Richard has dug out his old lavalier radio mic and so all the Mes and the commentators are properly recorded (though there seemed to be a lot of peaking). Hope you enjoy hearing all the players in crystal clear - too loud - stereo. In what is surely the most exciting sporting event of the summer, the Mes are speculating as to whether the Queen might be dishing out any honours to the players this year. One player is hoping to win for Prince Phillip, whilst the other is hoping his play can help Nelson Mandela back to health. So we're playing to find out if racism is right or wrong. Which way will it go? Will this week's frame see the 3rd ever increase in listenership in a sea of decline? And will Richard's wife stop him doing this before all the rats (listeners) have deserted the ship (podcast).

Frame 35 - Breaking The Laws of Physics - It's been three weeks, but the Mes are back at the Shepherd's Bush Jeroboam, one of them furious at Rich neglecting them for his movie star pals, one of them thinking it's good that Rich gets to do other things than play himself at snooker which some might see as being unhealthy. But once the talking stops and they let their snooker do the talking the podcast finds a whole new level. There is some spectacular play, an unbelievable bit of refereeing and always the chance that a cat or a wife might come through the door and do a poo. You'd be insane not to enjoy this. Or insane if you enjoy it. I can't remember. Just thank goodness that it's not you who is doing the playing.

Frame 34 - The Pink is on the Brown Spot - Me1's wife is at the Saatchi Gallery with another man and it's not Me2, so both players are in an odd mood. They're not really up to much with the chat, but the snooker is phenomenal (and I know this is why you all listen). The cats aren't allowed into the arena because Lion-o has been weeing on the sofa. But on the bright side, when moving furniture around for the frame, Rich did find a pack of Extra that he didn't know he had. So whatever the result, all the team had minty fresh breath after a post-match chewing gum. Referee 1 copes admirably with remembering the rules of where to place the coloured balls if their own spot is covered, but does less well at recalling whose go it is.

Frame 33 - UKIP UWIN - The Mes are back, all a bit tired out and confused after a long trip home from Belfast. No one seems to remember Frame 32 happening at all and maybe it was a dream or just something scribbled down by one of the Mes to make it look like they could win a frame. But in response to Ronnie O'Sullivan attempting to steal our shtick by assuming two contrasting personalities (one who loves snooker and one who hates it and just wants the money) the Mes are back at the board to finally try and resolve which of them is best than the other one. Does Me2 have dozens of secret children that he needs to support with his snooker playing? And if so how does he intend to make money from his snooker playing? Is Me1 a supporter of the UK's freshest and most disgusting political party? Does it matter when and should we just let the snooker do the talking? It doesn't seem to be ending does it?

Frame 33 - UKIP UWIN - The Mes are back, all a bit tired out and confused after a long trip home from Belfast. No one seems to remember Frame 32 happening at all and maybe it was a dream or just something scribbled down by one of the Mes to make it look like they could win a frame. But in response to Ronnie O'Sullivan attempting to steal our shtick by assuming two contrasting personalities (one who loves snooker and one who hates it and just wants the money) the Mes are back at the board to finally try and resolve which of them is best than the other one. Does Me2 have dozens of secret children that he needs to support with his snooker playing? And if so how does he intend to make money from his snooker playing? Is Me1 a supporter of the UK's freshest and most disgusting political party? Does it matter when and should we just let the snooker do the talking? It doesn't seem to be ending does it?

Frame 32 - Thatcher vs the IRA. There's an odd atmosphere at the Shepherd's Bush (insert name of shape or dinosaur here) with half the team delighted at the demise of Mrs Thatcher and half of them in mourning. But what better way to settle which side of this argument is correct than by having one man play himself at snooker and let the winner decide. To be honest it's one of the duller podcasts (which is saying something in itself) but maybe that is fitting as we're sorting out a complicated issue on the snooker board this afternoon. And it is finally sorted out. By the end you will know who was right Mrs Thatcher or the IRA. Apologies if you can smell cat wee during this, Lion-o peed on the sofa again.

Frame 32 - Thatcher vs the IRA. There's an odd atmosphere at the Shepherd's Bush (insert name of shape or dinosaur here) with half the team delighted at the demise of Mrs Thatcher and half of them in mourning. But what better way to settle which side of this argument is correct than by having one man play himself at snooker and let the winner decide. To be honest it's one of the duller podcasts (which is saying something in itself) but maybe that is fitting as we're sorting out a complicated issue on the snooker board this afternoon. And it is finally sorted out. By the end you will know who was right Mrs Thatcher or the IRA. Apologies if you can smell cat wee during this, Lion-o peed on the sofa again.

Frame 31 - The Snooker Does The Talking - The whole team have got another virus and they're confused and a bit angry. Me2 wants his snooker to do the talking, but what does he mean by that? There's some sitcom jeopardy with some foreign visitors imminently expected and the popular new non-Richard Herring characters, Lion-o and Smithers are back, threatening to streak on to the snooker board or poo on it, you never know what might happen. There's some refereeing controversy, some issues about the level of the board and mistakes aplenty. Plus you can find out all the latest news about how many people are downloading this genius/rubbish.

Frame 30 - Starting From Scratch. It's been a while, but we've dusted off the snooker board for a record breaking 30th podcast of a man playing himself at snooker and commentating on it (I think actually one frame might have been the record), but disaster hits the newly refurbished arena before recording even starts when a bit of cat litter grit gets caught in the wheel on the table leg and scratches the floor. Me1's wife will be furious. If she can get Me2's dick out of her mouth for a second. But the break has done the players good and they're in scintillating form in this thrilling contest: a frame with everything, including (at last) a feline pitch invasion. It's back to basics, stripped to its essence, the classic rivalry of two parts of the same man fighting for ascendancy at a game that neither of them are very good at, described by a man who doesn't really have the vocabulary to describe what's happening. You're welcome.

Frame 29 - What happened next? You thought it was over? You fools. This will never be over. Not til every last one of you has given up. And even then it will continue, unobserved, unlistened to, even after I am dead, in another astral plane the sound of snooker balls clanking together will go on for infinity, like a roulette wheel that will never stop. It's back (almost) to basics for the show that jumped the shark even before it began. One man, pretending to be two men, playing against each other at snooker and another two men commentating on it whilst another man acts as referee, whilst another man flies through space in a prism prison plotting his revenge. It's the classic story and we've seen it a thousand times before in movies, TV and the theatre, but it bears repetition. The cats are back but they save their ball juggling antics for after the action is over, but still have an important part to play in the match and in what is surely Commentator 2's finest 180 seconds. You know you can't resist it. The snooker is good in this one. A record is broken. Keep the faith. It'll get funny again in about another 36 frames.

Frame 28 - Shit in a Box - We're back. With cats. That's right. It's a whole new direction for snooker. The televised game is so far behind that it still has two actual players, but the Me vs Me snooker franchise takes another leap forwards by introducing two kittens to the room. What atrocities will occur? It sounds like a situation designed for video. Which is why the whole thing has been recorded in audio only. The two Mes are back from holiday (though who got to go to the Maldives with their wife?) and itching to get the competition back on track. Or maybe just itching due to a cat allergy. Neither of them care about the feline interlopers, all they care about is the green rectangle with balls on it. And who has been having sex with whose wife. A bit. You know you've missed it. Though you may wonder why during this frame. To book your tickets for Richard's (non-snooker based) tour please go to http://www.richardherring.com/talkingcock2/tour.php for details.