Therapist Uncensored Podcast

IN THIS EPISODE: Reduce Drama in Your Life – Unpack The Victim Perpetrator Rescuer In Us All Stephen Karpman, MD a psychiatrist working with Transactional Analysis under Erik Berne conceived the idea of this simple representation, now referred to as a drama triangle, or Karpman’s Triangle, to explain how we can sometimes get locked in rigid self-satisfying or self-punishing roles: Victim Perpetrator Rescuer that can impact our ability to live free and peaceful lives. In this podcast we explore not only how the roles impact our relationships with others but also the positive characteristics that we can move towards in each of these roles. Interplay Between Victim Perpetrator Rescuer Roles These natural roles don’t define us, but are more ego states we drop into under stress, often in response to someone else’s behavior. Someone in Victim-role can elicit the other person in a dyad to go into Recue-role and if you stay in a rigid Rescuer role long enough one can evoke your own or another’s Perpetrator and so on. The problem isn’t that we trend towards these corners of the triangles, it’s only when we get stuck in an extreme. The podcast describes how to get out of the role lock and move back into an integrated balanced state whereby you are in touch with the health of all three of these positions. Healthy Characteristics of Victim Perpetrator Rescuer Roles For example the health in the Perpetrator/Persecutor role, if it’s not extreme, is the capacity to stand up for oneself, have a voice, set boundaries, be assertive and hold people accountable. The health in the Rescue role is more obvious, because the compassion and warmth is visible. What it’s covering though is more interesting for this role, which can have a great deal of hidden aggression and lack of agency, and can be at the expense of the self. Health in the victim role is having the self-awareness to see one’s own vulnerability, and when combined with the other two sides of the triangle – assertiveness and compassion, you have a solid strong integrated state. So the goal is to stay out of rigid self-satisfying or self-defeating role locks and incorporate the disowned parts of you that may lie in the opposite corners of the triangle.     RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: * Karpman, S. (1968). Fairy tales and script drama analysis. Transactional Analysis Bulletin, 7(26), 39-43 * These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page!   Tweet

IN THIS EPISODE: Developing Racial Identity with Guests Rudy Lucas and Christine Schmidt Show Notes Guests Christine Schmidt and Rudy Lucas join co-hosts Patty Olwell and Sue Marriott in a wide-ranging discussion on racial identity just after the election. Privileged white people talking about race can be awkward – we discuss how our natural sense of safety is part of our privilege and letting ourselves step out and get uncomfortable is necessary to even begin to dig in and get the compassion, understanding and necessary context to be able to be useful in these times. The safety bubble has popped and it could not be more obvious given the current political climate of division that a shaking and awakening is necessary. What is Racial Identity Rudy and Christine walk us through some of the steps necessary to look at aspects of racial identity, both white and black. We discuss immunity by color, invisibility, access, race avoidance, colorism, recommended study and literature, history and context, and we barely scratched the surface with this conversation. This quote stands out because of it’s clarity and it’s importance! In response to question about reverse racism, Rudy responded: “There is no such thing as reverse racism, because the determining factor is access to power. Oppressed populations never have been known to have any kind of power sufficient to have their feelings thoughts and wishes codified into the law….” And he concluded –“People can be guilty of prejudice, discrimination, judgement… but racist they cannot be in the absence of power. “ Rudy Lucas Racism must have the weight of history and institutional power under it to exist.  Which is why those of us with history and the laws on our side can’t complain now that we are uncomfortable and see it as equal to an oppressed person’s suffering. The conversation ranged and covered many topics but Christine and Rudy recommend as next steps that you view these two videos: Fusion Video-How Microagressions Are Like Mosquito Bites  Jay Smooth-How to Tell Someone They Sound Racist   RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: * Janet Helms-Black and White Racial Identity: Theory Research and Practice * Peggy McIntosh- White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack * Paula Rothenburg-White Privilege: Essential Reading on the Other Side of Racism * Janet Helms and Donelda Cook-Using Race and Culture in Counseling and Psychotherapy  * Jay Smooth – cultural commentator check him out! Highly recommended. * Alice Walker- Anything We Love Can Be Saved  * Alice Walker–Hard Times Require Furious Dancing * William E. Cross-Shades of Black: Diversity in African-American Ident...

IN THIS EPISODE: Increase Your Cool By Managing Your Ventral Vagal System Show Notes In Part II of our exploration of polyvagal theory, with psychotherapists and co-hosts of this podcast, Ann Kelley, Patty Olwell and Sue Marriott we talk about strategies to help us engage our ventral vagal or social engagement system to calm our nervous system. We review how our nervous system appraises safety and danger. Then they discuss how to harness the knowledge and make it usable in real life. Polyvagal Theory Revisited Stephen Porges developed polyvagal theory, which explains our nervous system’s response to stress or danger. It describes a three part hierarchical system. The first, the ventral vagal is described in the podcast as a safety system or green zone. The second is activation. This is the sympathetic nervous system getting us ready for fight or flight. In the podcast described as an activated red zone. The third system is the dorsal vagal, which is immobilization or freeze. In the podcast described as an immobilized red zone. How Does Polyvagal Theory Work The theory describes how we assess stress or danger based on cues in the environment. If we begin to sense stress our sympathetic or activation system begins to kick in. Then we attempt to engage our ventral vegal or social engagement system (the green zone). If that doesn’t work, the threat persists or intensifies we employ our activation system. We get ready to take action. Our heart rate increases to prepare us for fight or flight. Then if the threat is too large or we can’t escape the system of last resort, the dorsal vegal takes over. How Understanding Polyvagal Theory Can Help Me Regulate Stress Today most of us are not chasing saber-toothed tigers through the jungle. So the stressors and dangers we face are often interpersonal. We can often because of our own personal histories misread the environmental cues. If we walk into a party and don’t see a familiar face our sympathetic nervous system can get activated. If we understand from polyvagal theory that we have a social engagement system and that engaging it will calm us down, we then have strategies that we can use. We can look for a friendly face and start a conversation. We can find someone we know at the party and make contact. This understanding gives us choices when we want to calm ourselves or help our children, partners or friends calm their nervous systems. Important Concepts Vagus Nerve – 10th cranial nerve and part of the parasympathetic nervous system. Has two branches and acts as a brake on the sympathetic nervous system. Ventral Vagal – The newer myelinated branch of the vagus that developed in mammals. Controls the social engagement system. Dorsal Vagal- More primitive unmyelinated branch of the vagus nerve. Acts as a Sympathetic Nervous System – part of the autonomic nervous system that controls activation. Parasympathetic Nervous System – part of the autonomic nervous system that inhibits the sympathetic nervous system Neuroception – Porges term that describes how our nervous system assesses whether people or places are safe, dangerous or life threatening RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: Stephen W. Porges -The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation * These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page!   Tweet

Unpack the science behind the polyvagal theory, with psychotherapists and co-hosts of this podcast, Ann Kelley, Patty Olwell and Sue Marriott as they explore how our nervous system appraises safety and danger. Then they discuss how to harness the knowledge and make it usable in real life. What Is Polyvagal Theory Stephen Porges developed polyvagal theory, which explains our nervous system’s response to stress or danger. It describes a three part hierarchical system. The first, the ventral vagal is described in the podcast as a safety system or green zone. The second is activation. This is the sympathetic nervous system getting us ready for fight or flight. In the podcast described as an activated red zone. The third system is the dorsal vagal, which is immobilization or freeze. In the podcast described as an immobilized red zone. How Does Polyvagal Theory Work The theory describes how we assess stress or danger based on cues in the environment. If we begin to sense stress our sympathetic or activation system begins to kick in. Then we attempt to engage our ventral vegal or social engagement system (the green zone). If that doesn’t work, the threat persists or intensifies we employ our activation system. We get ready to take action. Our heart rate increases to prepare us for fight or flight. Then if the threat is too large or we can’t escape the system of last resort, the dorsal vegal takes over. How Understanding Polyvagal Theory Can Help Me Regulate Stress Today most of us are not chasing saber-toothed tigers through the jungle. So the stressors and dangers we face are often interpersonal. We can often because of our own personal histories misread the environmental cues. If we walk into a party and don’t see a familiar face our sympathetic nervous system can get activated. If we understand from polyvagal theory that we have a social engagement system and that engaging it will calm us down, we then have strategies that we can use. We can look for a friendly face and start a conversation. We can find someone we know at the party and make contact. This understanding gives us choices when we want to calm ourselves or help our children, partners or friends calm their nervous systems. Important Concepts Vagus Nerve – 10th cranial nerve and part of the parasympathetic nervous system. Has two branches and acts as a brake on the sympathetic nervous system. Ventral Vagal – The newer myelinated branch of the vagus that developed in mammals. Controls the social engagement system. Dorsal Vagal- More primitive unmyelinated branch of the vagus nerve. Acts as a Sympathetic Nervous System – part of the autonomic nervous system that controls activation. Parasympathetic Nervous System – part of the autonomic nervous system that inhibits the sympathetic nervous system Neuroception – Porges term that describes how our nervous system assesses whether people or places are safe, dangerous or life threatening   RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: * Stephen W. Porges -The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation * These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page!   Tweet

IN THIS EPISODE:  Biology of Motivation and Habits: Why We Drop the Ball Understanding Research Behind Motivation and Habits Even when it is so important to us, why is it that it’s so hard to follow through when we are trying to make or break habits? In this episode, we discuss research and biology around why it is so hard to change our patterns and stick to the goals we set for ourselves. How we view our goals significantly impacts how we behave and the decisions we make. In general, people tend to have elevated levels of motivation and aspirations when we are planning for a ‘new start’ or considering our future self. However, we tend to minimize the obstacles that will get in our way. In this episode, we discuss why ignoring these obstacles is a big factor to our “dropping the ball,” why we tend to do it, and how our brain “chunks” patterns of behavior into well-worn habits that require very minimal thinking and decision-making along the way. Our brains are highly trained to focus first on survival…not on our higher aspirational selves. Developing strategies to tune into your higher, value-driven self may be just what we need to help move out of automation and accomplish goals that are so important to ourselves. Learn about our neurochemical reward system, habituation and satiation systems so that you can hack your biology. Join our email list at www.therapistuncensored.com to access our private online Facebook community supporting the dissemination of the relational sciences to support healthy connections and relationships around the world!    RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: * Jefferey M. Schwartz, M.D. & Rebecca Gladding, M.D. – You are Not Your Brain – The 4-Step Solution for Changing Bad Habits, Ending Unhealthy Thinking and Taking Control of Your Life. * Ann M. Graybiel & Kyle S. Smith (2014). – How the Brain Makes and Breaks Habits * Judith Wright – The Soft Addiction Solution: Break Free of the Seemingly Harmless Habits That Keep You From The Life You Want. * Charles Duhigg (2012) -The Neuroscience of Habits: How They From and How to Change Them * These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page!   Tweet

IN THIS EPISODE: Inside the Mind of Dr. Dan Siegel Show Notes Interview with Dr Dan Siegel, the father of Interpersonal Neurobiology. Get a peak into his thoughts on hope in our fear-based culture today, human kind across history and using this science to make changes individually and as a society. Patty Olwell & Sue Marriott speak with Dan Siegel about the most recent finding in IN and his new book, Mind: A Journey to the Heart of Being Human (A New York Times Best Seller). Co-host Dr. Ann Kelley supports backstage for this episode. Dan Siegel discussed how the current political, international and climate crises could be viewed instead of doom, a chance to transform human connection. He called for us all to become pervasive leaders — Pervasive Leadership characteristics : * Change your mental model of I and Thou. * Act locally; think holistically. * Enact empathetic stewardship Human history over time – Sapians – (see resource list). Homosapians have been killing their brothers and kin since the beginning of recorded time, so any current cultural unkindness is part of our hardwiring. We can rise above it, but first recognize it as human. Interpersonal neurobiology – coined by Dan Siegel in 1999 is a way of living and viewing the world with a set of principles that lead toward integration. Integration – combining distinct specialized functions that link and connect the specializations together, creating harmony. This is a view that can be utilized within one person and across couples, families, organizations and nations. In-group/Out-group discussion and Mindsight When a person is seen as the same, we have a natural resonance and empathy, if we feel safe we can extend that to those that appear Other. If we feel threat – even if we don’t know we are feeling it (nanoseconds of a threatening photo flashed, outside of our awareness) we respond strongly by turning off our empathy for the Out-group and turning up our response to the In-group. This is the explanation for what is happening here in the United States and Britain and many places around the world where genocides are occurring. Terror is driving this IN/OUT hostile behavior. With practice this can be changed. Say to yourself: My nervous system is making me treat the other person as an Out group member with more hostility, but that goes against my larger values of treating all human beings, all living beings with deep respect, as I would my In-group. We can rise above it. Rise above our brains initial proclivity towards bias and our mind to actively change how our brain ultimately carries out behavior – to be able to see the others mind and treat them as an in-group. Compassionately, fairly. Our leaders, people who run our country, organizations, educational institutions, clinicians, and people in positions to raise children… all have brains and minds that can overcome this biologic bias. We should see them as humans with limitations. Uninformed. They need safety to let down. FACES * Flexible * Adaptive * Coherent * Energetic * Stable MWE = me in a body + we in connection to others and the planet Eudaimonia – Greek term that means life filled by meaning and connection and equanimity not from producing and consuming junk   Join our email list at www.therapistuncensored.com to access our private online community supporting the dissemination of the relational sciences to support healthy connections and relationships around the world!     RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: Dr. Dan Siegel: The Mind, Journey to Heart of Being Human New York Ti...

IN THIS EPISODE: Unpacking The Science of Interpersonal Neurobiology Show Notes Unpack the complicated science behind the brain, the mind and secure relating with psychotherapists and co-hosts of this podcast, Ann Kelley, Patty Olwell and Sue Marriott as they break down the complicated subject of Interpersonal Neurobiology to make it usable in real life. Interpersonal neurobiology sounds complicated but it isn’t. Use this in business, families, civic organizations and couples. What Is Interpersonal Neurobiology It’s related to the mind, to the brain and to many different disciplines of science that come together and basically agree on a few things, which is in itself amazing, and it all move towards the idea of mental health and overall well being. IN (interpersonal neurobiology) is a term coined by Dan Siegel (see show notes for extensive referencing). Neural plasticity basically means it’s never too late, the brain inside your skull is ever-changing and affected by our daily practices. Neural plasticity is explained in some detail and is a point of hope in aging, brain injury, trauma, neglect, attachment injuries and relationships. Healing occurs by practice and work in compassionate social relationships. Besides brain biology which we went over in Therapist Uncensored Episode 2, where we emphasized the importance of the PFC (pre-frontal cortex) in empathic relating, IN picks up in how to stay connected to your PFC. Siegel talks about striving for FACES flow, which is an integrated neural state, integration being a primary point in IN. Important Concepts FACES flow – FLEXIBLE ACTIVE COHERENT ENERGETIC SECURE (pre-frontal cortex active!!) COAL to get to FACES – COAL is to relate to oneself in a CURIOUS, OPEN, ACCEPTING, and LOVING manner no matter what you are feeling. Cool off the mid-brain/limbic and move up to a more regulated calm place in the mind. Name it to tame it is a concept you’ll hear about to bring online neural aspects which will help you master feelings, bring in the pause, get you to and through COAL to FACES. Neurons that fire together wire together, Hebbs Law. For better or worse. Connect before you correct, parenting concept but also applicable in close relationships. Triangle of well-being,   MIND, BRAIN, RELATIONSHIP. Especially applicable to therapists. Mindsight – being able to see your own and others mind. Also called reflective function.   RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: * Dan Siegel-Mind: A Journey to the Heart of Being Human New York Times Bestseller * Tara Brach-Radical Acceptance * Resource guide by Dr. Dan Siegel * These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page!   Tweet

IN THIS EPISODE: How To Handle Post Election Tensions: Tips For The Holidays And Beyond You know the feeling you get when you find out that someone you know and like voted for the “wrong person” this past election? Ann Kelley, Patty Olwell and Sue Marriott discuss post-election tensions as they relate to family, neighbors and co-workers, and give tips on going home for the holidays. If you are losing your mind Applying concepts from IPNB (interpersonal neurobiology), hosts discuss getting a deeper understanding of the very big feelings that have emerged with the surprise election results. While we are all sick of talking and reading about the latest antics of the politicians, we cannot help but keep consuming and trying to process what is happening. We don’t discuss the election itself, but the fallout interpersonally. Threat response is the big news here; the body and brain/mind perceives danger from the opposite aisle. Understanding the nuance of what you are feeling and why is a key to emotional regulation. We are not advocating for you to just move on, and tamp down your feelings, but instead make suggestions for you to respond more effectively and deliberately. Rather than strangling someone… Empathy is easy for some when it’s the “right” group to empathize with but pretty hard when that group is the source of a perceived threat. Threat and the feeling of lack of safety are two tenants that are driving many voters – on both sides of the aisle. Naming it to tame it is a key concept for IPNB self-regulation, so getting more conscious and aware of the range of what is going on inside you will help you begin to direct it as constructively as possible so you can respond rather than simply react. Whether it’s being able to better understand yourself so you can more effectively and deliberately respond to a call for action, or to stop acting and denigrating one another so as to begin healing the divide, decoding and being conscious of automatic thoughts, righteous indignation, rage and hopelessness are key. In addition we talk about how to better manage someone else who may be in their own caveman black/white neural response circuit.   We try to avoid clichés of all getting along, and address the very real and sharp differences and how to even begin to find common ground (and why some people HATE hearing about a call for common ground). We hope the discussion will be useful no matter your political orientation to handle post election tensions in your relationships.   RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: * Jefferey M. Schwartz, M.D. & Rebecca Gladding, M.D.- You are Not Your Brain – The 4-Step Solution for Changing Bad Habits, Ending Unhealthy Thinking and Taking Control of Your Life. * Ann M. Graybiel & Kyle S. Smith (2014).- How the Brain Makes and Breaks Habits * Judith Wright -The Soft Addiction Solution: Break Free of the Seemingly Harmless Habits That Keep You From The Life You Want. * Charles Duhigg (2012) -The Neuroscience of Habits: How They From and How to Change Them * These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page!   Tweet

  IN THIS EPISODE:  Our Powerful Fascination With Narcissism In The Era Of Trump An in-depth discussion with Dr. Leonard Cruz and Dr. Steven Buser, editors of “A Clear and Present Danger: Narcissism in the Era of Donald Trump.” We are publishing this podcast just a few days before the United States selects their next President and at a time of historic national pain and divisiveness. Why narcissism? We discuss how one aspect of this election that has driven people to such passion is their draw toward or their aversion from some of the large personalities that continue to inflame our fascination and interest. This episode focuses not on the carnage that this election is inflicting on us as a society, but on finding some level of understanding on how we got here, and rekindling hope no matter what happens Nov 9. We cover how this is not about any individual candidate but more a reflection of the times. At Therapist Uncensored, a podcast dedicated to promoting security and connections between people, we recognize the importance of unpacking this cultural phenomenon from a level of depth and compassion.  We cover how, as a culture, we got here and what to do about it.  We look at it both from an individual standpoint – why are we drawn to narcissism in general and culturally, why in the US at this moment in time? Join our email list at www.therapistuncensored.com to access our private online community supporting the dissemination of the relational sciences to support healthy connections and relationships around the world!   RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: Steven Buser and Leonard Cruz, Editors-A Clear and PresentDanger, Narcissism in the Age of Trump Wendy Terrie Behary LCSW,  Foreward by Daniel Siegel, MD- Disarming the Narcissist Asheville Jung Center Chiron Publications * These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page!   Tweet

  IN THIS EPISODE: If It’s Not Good for You, It’s not Good for Us: Interview with Relationship Expert Stan Tatkin Show Notes Clinician, author, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute, Dr. Stan Tatkin teaches at UCLA, maintains a private practice in Southern California, and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author Wired for Dating, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships. Dr. Stan Tatkin is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as an advisory board member of Relationships First, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Biology of Love Co-hosts Sue Marriott and Ann Kelley engage in a wide-ranging discussion with Dr. Stan Tatkin on the biology of love, connections and the practical things to do and not do in our most important relationships. We discuss the significance and power of primary relationships. Whether with a partner, a friend, or a sibling, a “primary” is the one you most turn toward to celebrate your special moments or to seek support during hard times. It is within these relationships that we build a 2-person security system that helps us tackle the world in a more secure and robust way. How To Prioritize The Relationship Dr. Stan Tatkin shares his vast knowledge of neurobiology and attachment to help us understand how to find, build and maintain safety and security in these relationships. Our discussion reaches far and wide, including how to vet a potential partner, ways to relate in a “fair and just” manner, and the importance of understanding and communicating your own value system with others. From monogamy to polyamory relationships, it is important to understand yourself more deeply and those that you bring into your life. Join our email list at www.therapistuncensored.com to access our private online community supporting the dissemination of the relational sciences to support healthy connections and relationships around the world!     RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: Stan Tatkin-Wired for Dating, How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate Stan Tatkin:Your Brain on Love, the Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships PACT – www.thepactinstitute.com Stan Tatkin – Wired for Love * These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page!   Tweet

  IN THIS EPISODE: Gain Influence and Balance Power in Important Relationships Show Notes Join our email list at www.therapistuncensored.com to access our private online community supporting the dissemination of the relational sciences to support healthy connections and relationships around the world!  Power dynamics are infused in all relationships, be it romantic, business, political, parent-child, friendships, etc. Most of us want important relationships where both parties feel a sense of mutual respect. While this can sometimes come naturally and with ease, when the balance of power gets off center, relationships can really suffer. Whether you find it difficult to have your voice, or you struggle to allow yourself to be influenced by others, patterns can develop that impede the safe connections that we generally desire. In this episode, we discuss the difference between exerting power through methods of fear and control and actually being naturally influential and powerful. We also cover being influenced versus giving in. Why is this important in Relationships? As we’ve discussed in prior podcasts, striving towards internal and relational security is what helps us be resilient when stressed, respond more flexibly to demands of life and enhance each other’s well-being. To function at our best, it is key to have a sense of mutual power and reciprocal influence and to know how to get to that point if it’s not there.  What can you do? It’s important to get in touch with whether you feel safe expressing yourself and/or whether you feel open to being influence by others. Do you fear speaking up will lead to the other’s withdrawal of affection? Do you fear that if you listen to your partner, you will feel controlled? These are examples discussed that indicate that an imbalance of power may be in play. Compliance with requests can backfire for the person getting their way! Be your right size – not bigger or smaller than you really are. Subscribe to our podcast via iTunes, Android or your favorite platform, and join our community by signing up for our email list today.   RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: Dacher Keltner – The Power Paradox: How we gain and lose influence * These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page!   Tweet

  IN THIS EPISODE: Show Notes Episode 10 The 7 Circuits of Emotion and What Animals Can Teach Us about Human Relating   Join our email list at www.therapistuncensored.com to access our private online community supporting the dissemination of the relational sciences to support healthy connections and relationships around the world!  Jaak Panksepp has identified 7 universal, cross-species circuits of emotion that can be located deep within the brain reliably in primates with neocortex functioning – besides humans, this includes rats, mice, guinea pigs, cats and of course larger primates.  These networks are not up in the higher cortex, so they don’t involve rational thought, they are in the hypothalamus and amygdala, the more basic security system of the mind. The 7 Basic Circuits of Emotion: SEEKING, PLAY, LUST, CARE – 4 reward circuits FEAR, PANIC/LOSS, RAGE – punishing circuits, most animals want to avoid these emotional reactions Why This Matters in Relationships Each circuit was discussed and the interaction of one circuit being activated turning on corresponding circuits of emotion in the other was highlighted.  For example distress signals are activated when one is separated from their pack (PANIC/LOSS) turns on the CARE network, drawing others to them in with intent to protect and nurture.  RAGE however, and this includes indignation and anger in humans, turns on the same circuit – anger begets anger. What You Can Do So for those wanting to be closer in their relationships, it is advised to get VULNERABLE, show your distress, feel your needs and you will get the love you are looking for naturally.  However get angry about not getting attention and you will get defensiveness and blame. So manipulate your close relationships into nurturing you by squeaking and expressing genuine vulnerability, they won’t be able to resist coming toward you with their hearts open. Get right with your squeak!!  It’s in our most basic instincts and this works powerfully! Join our email list at www.therapistuncensored.com to access our private online community supporting the dissemination of the relational sciences to support healthy connections and relationships around the world!   RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode:   Jaak Panksepp – Affective Neuroscience Foundation of Emotions in Humans and Animals Louis Cozolino – Why Therapy Works Using our Minds to Change our Brains Joseph Ledoux – Anxious:  Using the Brain to Understand and Treat Anxiety * Dan Siegel – The Mindful Brain Reflections on Attunement and the Culture of Well-being * These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page!   Tweet

  IN THIS EPISODE: Episode 9: Minding Your Relationship: Three Mindfulness Exercises to Practice With Your Partner Show Notes We often stop really seeing and hearing our significant other, so mindfulness in your relationship is a key free resource to add spark and life. Instead of relying on who we think our partner is based on history, we learn to see them anew and get better at connecting without a ton of words. Learn what mindfulness is and the difference between meditation and mindful awareness practices. First Mindfulness Exercise Turn off the electronics and find a few minutes to give undivided attention to your partner (or child, or parent). Find something you haven’t noticed before and relay that, in exquisite detail, to your significant other. The brain is an anticipation machine, so getting it to slow down and see a familiar face with new eyes is not natural for grown-ups, yet that is exactly how to fall in love all over again, feel sexy, or rediscover the changing being in front of you. Ellen Langer <add link to her book> has researched the impact of really noticing new things about our familiar loved ones and she found that the person receiving the mind-full attention views their partner as more trustworthy and honest. And that’s because they are – they are actually showing up! Second Mindfulness Exercise Take a few minutes to gaze into your partner’s eyes. This exercise leverages our biology to increase connection because extended gaze releases oxytocin, “the bonding hormone.” This powerful hormone is released when mothers breast feed or when lovers have an orgasm, therefore this simple mindfulness exercise releases a hormone that fosters our most basic biological connections. Extended soft eye contact is the second mindfulness exercise described. Third Mindfulness Exercise Leverage that vagus nerve of yours (and theirs)! Upon coming home, embrace each other without talking and wait for that little relaxation that you feel when a baby relaxes against you. When you embrace your partner and allow yourself to silently remain belly to belly and be present in your body, you reset both of your nervous systems. Don’t let go until you both have let down, you’ll know it when it happens. Finally In conclusion, these three short simple mindfulness exercises help us break through those automatic assumptions about our partner and really see, hear and be with the actual live person, in the present moment. And believe us, THAT has a big pay-off in relationship satisfaction for both people.   RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: Ellen Langer – The Power of Mindful Learning * Tara Brock – Finding True Refuge: Meditations for Difficult Times * Suzanne Midori Hanna- The Transparent Brain in Couples and Family Therapy * Stan Tatkin – Wired for Love * These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page!   Tweet

  IN THIS EPISODE: Show Notes – Therapist Uncensored Episode 8: Understanding Emotional Triggers: Why Your Buttons Get Pushed and What to Do About It Excerpt:  Therapists explain the neuroscience behind emotional over-reactivity.  The term triggers has been co-opted by social media and teens to mean having big feelings, but “trigger” is originally an important psychodynamic term related to trauma. In this episode we discuss the neurobiology behind the experience of being triggered. The channel is right but the volume it too high. It occurs when we feel something stronger than we can understand.  Neurobiologically speaking, we are having an implicit memory.  Amygdala oriented instead of hippocampal oriented. We talk about the different kinds of trauma that can create triggers. We discuss implicit versus explicit memory and why it’s good to sort this out in relationships, and how we get in all kinds of trouble misattributing implicit memory to current situations. Is it LIVE or is it MEMOREX is an important question for relationships – is my reaction to you in this moment boosted by something that I’m not actually consciously remembering, which would explain why I’m over-reacting a bit?  It helps to get curious about that rather than accusatory. Investigate feelings with curiosity and care rather than righteously thinking feelings are facts. We look at how in a relationship the best approach is when we can step back and notice how our nervous system and the other person’s nervous system are reacting. Then we have the choice to go on the ride with them; get dysregulated or consciously use our more regulated state to gently nudge them back toward regulation. Concrete ideas to implement are discussed.   RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: * Marco Iacoboni – Mirroring People, The Science of Empathy and How We Connect with Others  * Steven Porges – The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation * Dan Siegel – The Mindful Brain Reflections on Attunement and the Culture of Well-being * These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page!   Tweet

  IN THIS EPISODE: Episode 7: What is Group Therapy and 5 Reasons You Should Try It Show Notes * Group therapy is often stereotyped and definitely overlooked as a way to deal with challenges in your life, this episode goes into this is a fun way * It offers a chance to experiment with real emotions and aspects of your life. * It helps you notice issues and habitual patterns in your life * You can try different responses and different behaviors in group that you might not feel comfortable doing in your everyday life and relationships. * The other people in the group can offer a variety of different views and perspectives to help you work through things. * You can say things honestly to others with the knowledge that everyone will return next week, and you can continue to work through difficulties. * Group provides you with a sense of community and belonging. It can really help with issues of social isolation. * Group can provide stability that is not always present in personal life. * Group is relatively low compared to other therapy, and it can last for longer.   RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: * Austin Group Psychotherapy Society: Organization that promotes group therapy and provides training for clinicians * American Group Psychotherapy Association:  National organization that promotes group therapy as a cost effective and clinical valuable treatment. * Psychodynamic Group Psychotherapy Scott Rutan Walter Stone and Joseph Shay. These are masters of group. Excellent text for therapists and others eager to learn about group. You can trust these authors. * These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page!   Tweet