Therapist Uncensored Podcast

  IN THIS EPISODE: Attachment 102 Show Notes Secure adult relationships are what we are shooting for, with ourself and with close others. Secure relating is connected to neural integration and road maps we have internalized from our childhood. The capacity for security is within all of us no matter our histories. * Even if we did not get security as a child, we can develop into it as an adult.Earned Secure – Dan Siegel  There are different types of security and insecurity, and we discuss it on a continuum where we all can relate to the different modes of relating rather than only using separate, distinct quadrants. This is an important point of these episodes so that we aren’t trying to categorize or diagnose anyone in particular but we are able to use the concepts to improve our relationships: * Avoidant/Dismissive is a kind of organized insecurity that deactivates and by-passes distress. While here, we unconsciously need attachment, but we often do not perceive or have difficulty expressing the need or desire for others. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, I’ll give you something to cry about, Lone Ranger… * Anxious/Preoccupied attachment is a kind of organized insecurity where we have difficulty calming down after reaching distress. We are afraid of loss or abandonment – those who identify here can misread negativity into interactions and respond accordingly. * There is also another category from the research, called disorganized insecurity. This kind of insecurity has most to do with loss and trauma. This is healable and the brain and body can recover by working through whatever the trauma or loss may be. * see StanTatkin * A part of us is always able to relate in the optimal level and we can keep gaining insight and creating connections so we can deepen and grow the best part of ourselves. Special thanks to our guest psychotherapist, Traci Campbell   RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: Stan Tatkin – Wired for Love * John Bowlby – A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development * Mary Main, Mary Ainsworth both primary researchers with Bowlby. * Clinical Application of the Adult Attachment Interview – Howard and Mirium Steele (followed Ainsworth interested in using attachment theory in therapy settings) * Steven Porges – The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation * Stan Tatkin, Your Brain on Love * Dan Siegel – Mindsight * These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page!   Tweet

  IN THIS EPISODE: Attachment 101 Show Notes Secure relationships are what we are shooting for, with ourself and with close others. Secure relating is connected to neural integration and road maps we have internalized from our childhood. The capacity for security is within all of us no matter our histories. * Even if we did not get security as a child, we can develop into it as an adult. Earned Secure – Dan Siegel  There are different types of security and insecurity, and we discuss it on a continuum where we all can relate to the different modes of relating rather than only using separate, distinct quadrants. This is an important point of these episodes so that we aren’t trying to categorize or diagnose anyone in particular but we are able to use the concepts to improve our relationships: Attachment Styles * Avoidant/Dismissive is a kind of organized insecurity that deactivates and by-passes distress. While here, we unconsciously need attachment, but we often do not perceive or have difficulty expressing the need or desire for others. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, I’ll give you something to cry about, Lone Ranger… * Anxious/Preoccupied attachment is a kind of organized insecurity where we have difficulty calming down after reaching distress. We are afraid of loss or abandonment – those who identify here can misread negativity into interactions and respond accordingly. * There is also another category from the research, called disorganized insecurity. This kind of insecurity has most to do with loss and trauma. This is healable and the brain and body can recover by working through whatever the trauma or loss may be. * see StanTatkin * A part of us is always able to relate in the optimal level and we can keep gaining insight and creating connections so we can deepen and grow the best part of ourselves. Special thanks to our guest psychotherapist, Traci Campbell   RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: Stan Tatkin – Wired for Love * John Bowlby – A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development * Mary Main, Mary Ainsworth both primary researchers with Bowlby. * Clinical Application of the Adult Attachment Interview – Howard and Mirium Steele (followed Ainsworth interested in using attachment theory in therapy settings) * Steven Porges – The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation * Stan Tatkin, Your Brain on Love * Dan Siegel – Mindsight * These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page!   Tweet

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IN THIS EPISODE: Unequal Sexual Desire, Podcast Episode 3 of Therapist Uncensored Show Notes * Understanding sexuality, emotions and sexual desire in long-term relationships can help keep the fires burning and conflict – or drift – at bay. * Unequal desire is normal, but the most important part of a sexual relationship is the ability to communicate about it in a safe, unshaming way. At times unequal desire may be connected to the different way sexuality is experienced in our partner’s body.   If this difference does exist and is misperceived, couples can often start believing that something is wrong with themselves or the relationship. This misperception alone can be a huge source of diminishing returns for sexuality and relationships. * The rule is variability – speaking in gendered terms is not our aim – but recognizing the differences in sex drives, sex roles and physiology can be useful. * Some people do not feel desire until they are stimulated. * It can help to start playing around with sexuality, keep genitals or goal of orgasm out of it * Interest + Obstacle = Desire – a little distance or space to feel your desire (Perel). * It can help to reevaluate the things that you and your partner want in sex. * What are their no-go’s? What are yours? * What are their “I haven’t, but maybe’s?” What are yours? * So, if no other point comes home, remember that what one believes, how they communicate that belief, and how safe they feel with differences has a tremendous impact on the vitality of sexuality!! Sleep naked and discuss sex, even if you are struggling having it!   RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: * Jeff Lutes * Esther Perel – Mating in Captivity, lassic book on maintaining passion in long-term relationships * John Gottman – The Relaltionship Cure, practical advice for couples based in research * These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page!   Tweet

  IN THIS EPISODE: Brain Science 101: How Understanding Your Brain Can Improve Your Relationships Show Notes * This episode offers a foundation for future episodes. This is key to understanding the relational brain so that you can use that information to help build secure relationships. * Everyone has security in them or the capacity for it, no matter what background you show up with * There are three specific structures that affect our sense of well-being * The prefrontal cortex – the front of the brain. * This is where we want to live in – it is our most mature, “adult” flexible self * If our lights are on here, we can be our best selves. We will be compassionate, be able to perspective take from other people’s positions, and function more like the grown ups we mean to be * This works slower and needs more time to respond. It is a challenge especially if you have a rough or neglected history * The hippocampus * This modulates memory, and the autobiographical narrative of ourselves * For example, the more that we can remember our past and our future with each interaction, the more we can stay in the higher part of our mind (pre-frontal cortex – PFC). * The amygdala * This is primitive, more basic part of the mind and is physically lower in the brain * It is about assessing danger and threat. * This is your fight or flight, your guard dog, is at the level of mammalian interactions – fight flight flee (freeze) * It exaggerates and works really fast. * It’s not good at discerning things. It sees in black and white and is only out to protect the body. * When we perceive significant enough threat, our prefrontal cortex will turn down and our amygdala will increase in activation. * In this state, the amygdala will respond as if things are actually a threat (shark music plays). * Once our prefrontal cortex has time to perceive this, though, we can see nuance, differences, and diffuse threat. Goal is to get PFC back online, this takes time. * Suggestion: Two-sided walk if your amygdala is activated. * Walk as far as you want and feel angry and self-righteous. When you get tired and turn around, though, you have to spend the walk back considering the opposing perspective. This engages the PFC. * Brain plasticity. * Our brain structure is formed by patterns in behavior, but those patterns can be changed. * Knowing that your threat system is activated and seeing our own warning signs allows us to work against responding automatically. It gives us choice, responsiveness. * Practicing this can physically alter the structure of our brain in a way that permanently helps us.   RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: * Dan Siegel: * Mindsight – Dr. Siegel is a master and father of INPB (Interpersonal Neurobiology). If you are seriously interested in this field you must master his works. This book is in between clinicians and everyone else. His parenting books are great for everyone, his original text is highly technical and for clinicians, I recommend reading in a study group to absorb the goodness. * The Developing Mind – this is the one mentioned above, for clinicians. It is a must for INPB, and recommended to read in study group with other therapists for best application of these master ideas. * Jack Panksepp – Life Without E...

Podcast about patterns impeding couples communication. We educate you about your brain and strategies for avoiding or moving out of conflict.