Don Woods

...... O.K.......it's time for this weeks "one of the worst records ever made" spot.....no...not Mull of Kintyre....but close........it features my least favourite group in the world...The Smiths........it is called "This Charming Man" and it sounds like the band has laid down a backing track and Morrisey has come along and sung to a different tune....and I think the bass player is on speed......even talking about this record is hard work never mind listening to it so here it is....This Charming Man by The Smiths..

You Need Feet

On the showbiz front there is a film out about The Beatles. I think it's called "Get Back" and shows unseen footage of them in the recording studio.....I don't know what channel it is on and quite frankly I don't want to know....WE"VE SEEN IT ALL......apparently the film has received mixed reviews.....John and Paul chatting to each other.doesn't seem to be of much interest to some. The recent heavy storms...apart from destroying my back gate....have created a historic moment in television history.....because of the imminent danger an episode of "I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here" had to be recorded.....and wasn't LIVE... for the first time ever....now correct me if I'm wrong but the programme takes place inside a Welsh castle....which was built back in history to survive attacks by multitudes of armies....what I can't understand is what dangers a selection of gusty winds presents?.....out of interest I watched the recorded episode.....this programme has to be at the very very bottom of the entertainment barrel......it is totally pointless....we have a selection of famous celebrities such as Swoochy Shy and Naughty Boy (WHO?) all sitting in a circle around a campfire talking crap and waiting for one of the contestants to return from laying among a selection of rats and creepy crawlies whilst trying to find hidden stars.....which lead to meals for the campmates....it is like watching paint dry.....made even worse, if that is possible, by the occasional appearance of the multi talentless Ant and Dec....who come on...fluff their lines...and vanish..........I kept watching it because I thought it can only get better....WRONG!!......that is one hour and a half I will never get back. At least Channel 5 have something worth watching.....it is a weekly look at the best top selling records of the 70's........each week they cover a different year and it is really interesting as they give us the inside stories behind the records....the programme is brilliantly produced and is compulsive viewing as opposed to a bunch of nobodies sitting around a drafty castle.....and it is interesting seeing those stars of the past as they look now........it shows that decent interesting programmes can actually be made instead of throwing cookery programmes and soaps at us.....the BBC are probably the worst....probably because of the arrogant overpaid higher archy who refuse to see further than the end of their noses. This week's "one of the worst records ever made" spot defies description......it is performed by Bernard Bresslaw who should not have been allowed within 10 miles of a recording studio.....there is absolutely nothing positive I can say about this record it is so bad....yet I would rather listen to this than watch I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here........it is called Mad Passionate Love by Bernard Bresslaw.

Cricket is making headline news....certainly not for the excitement of the game but for racist remarks made over the years to whingeing pathetic so called sportsmen.....first we have Yorkshire player Azeem Rafiq so deeply hurt by racial remarks that it ruined his career.....only to be found to have made racial remarks about the Jewish faith himself on social media 10 years ago.....for which he has apologised....so that's O.K. then...what a hypocrite......................then we have the Australian player who blacked his face at a fancy dress party 9 YEARS AGO!.....he has strongly apologised for this.....why I don't know....was anybody injured?........mind you cricket does need something of interest to talk about because it is so boring....these so called sportsmen need to get a life. Then we have a woman who has complained that she was "inappropriately touched" by Boris Johnson's dad.....10 YEARS AGO....apparently he tapped her bottom and told her she had a nice seat......obviously this has mentally scarred her for life and obviously affected her brain as she has only just remembered the horrendous incident 10 years later....I wonder if she still has the terrible bruises this violent attack caused.....I'm waiting for the male cast of all the Carry On films to be asked to apologise for their behaviour.......mind you these films were in the days when comedy was funny and everyone enjoyed them before some of the female population and some male creeps decided that anything funny was offensive. I recently watched an old episode of Fawlty Towers where Basil kept accidentally groping a young lady every time sybil walked in....and was I deeply offended?...er...no....because I was too busy laughing at this classic comedy masterpiece....it wont be long before we will have to apologise for actually watching this disgraceful brilliant comedy.....and heaven help us if anyone hears us laughing!! The HS2 project has also been on the news as those responsible have decided to scrap the bit from Birmingham to Leeds.....not that this will affect me in any way but I heard a mention of the cost of this, in my opinion,pointless project......100 BILLION pounds....yes BILLION......to give you an idea of what a billion is...if you were to place a pound coin on the floor and add a billion more alongside forming an unbreakable line....that line would stretch from England to New Zealand.......without any gaps between the coins.....just saying...........well worth the money to save 20 minutes on a train journey? There has been a bit of a controversy on the news regarding school uniforms whereby a school blazer with the badge etched on can cost 50 quid........and some schools require the uniforms to be purchased from specialist shops so Primark is out.....BUT there is a move afoot where you may be allowed to buy the blazer anywhere an d buy the badge separately thus saving a lot of money.....but sadly this will stop the "specialist"shops ripping off the customers and making a fortune....how awful. On the music scene Adele has been on TV pushing her latest album.....she is very popular but I'm afraid I don't get her....her latest release is a durge.....just my opinion....while I'm still allowed to have one........and I watched a documentary on The Beach Boys....back in the sixties I was a huge fan of the band with their great harmonies and surfing songs but I thought they totally lost their way when they brought out the Pet Sounds album which I bought and hated....this documentary did nothing to change my mind...they should have stuck to songs about the beach which is what they were designed for. Finally for my "one of the worst records ever" spot I would like to feature one of our 60's pop stars...Vince Eager.....the song is called "The World's Lonliest Man" and I'm not sure what the drummer was hitting the drums with....I dread to think......with Vince's quivery voice, which is occasionally in tune,.... I can't find anything positive to say about this record which is probably why he is in fact The World's Loneliest Man .

@DonWoods weekly news rant then.....During the climate change show up in Scotland....which is blanket news at the moment.....before I had the chance to switch it off I was subjected to the effect on the world by planting trees.....which to me is about as interesting as Scottish football.....one chap was telling us that the trees absorb carbon dioxide so the more trees we have the better....another bloke came on and told us that when trees die all the carbon dioxide it has absorbed is released back into the atmosphere so the more trees we have is not a good thing.....just before I switched the TV off I slowly gazed up to see this wonderful information drifting over my head...............were it not for these scientific gatherings on our pathetic news programmes you would never ever hear or see the "experts" they feature....they should incorporate this tripe into the X Factor.......which is about the same level.....it's a wonder Ant and Dec aren't up in Scotland presenting the nonsense. Then there is "Newswatch" which gives the viewers the opportunity to criticise the BBC news.....this week questions were asked by the public as to why Huw Edwards had to report,from Scotland,on the Climate Change Show and why could he not link up from London with reporters who were already there?....and how much is it costing the licence fee payer to needlessly send him there........of course we then have a BBC representative who comes on with the explanation.....now this was really clever....he was apparently speaking from a studio somewhere and I think his microphone was made from Leggo......I couldn't understand a word he said....so I wound it back and put the subtitles on.......which displayed sentences containing the word "inaudible".....it was certainly a novel way to get out of answering a simple question...... O.K. now it's time for my "one of the worst records ever made" spot......I have tried and tried but I failed to find anything worse than this one...AGAIN it features Charlie Drake who makes his third appearance on this podcast....which is brilliant as he only made three records.....it is called Mr.Custer and words fail me when I try to describe this song.....so here it is Mr. Custer "sung" by Charlie Drake.

Another joke is a programme called "Newswatch" which is on our wonderful BBC....it invites viewers to air their complaints about the way BBC news is presented which is "explained" by various representatives of the Beeb who basically say that they think they are fine with the way they present the news....so that's O.K. then......this week the lack of young viewers was discussed and they had a woman on explaining how they were going to solve this problem.....I listened to her garbling away for 5 minutes and I can honestly say I didn't have a clue what she was going on about.....the BBC have always been way behind the rest so nothing changed there then I recently watched a programme about The Goon Show.....it was an acted out version of the last radio broadcast of the said show with Peter Sellers,Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan.....it was quite interesting as I never got The Goons.....everyone in school thought they were hilarious...even my dad was a big fan....but I never found them even slightly funny....I always found Spike Milligan uncomfortable to watch.....but I am obviously in the minority as the audience on this programme were in stitches....including Princess Anne.....but I couldn't even raise a grin......personally I like clever stupidity like Monty Python.....just sayin'...... Which brings me to the one of the worst records section.....we have already played this chap on a previous podcast but I think he deserves another chance to sing another song.......it is Charlie Drake again with another 7 inch single which required an 8 inch hole drilling in it....it is a musical version of his catch phrase and is dreadful.....it is called Hello My Darlings

I have been watching a programme called "when showbiz good horribly wrong" which demonstrated how easy it is to NOT make money........to actually make money in the music business you have to think things out or you will get ripped off by managers and publishers who have no musical talent.....the way I did it was to look for the gaps in the market....in the 60s all the groups were playing rock and roll and pop music....only 7 or 8 piece dance bands were playing strict tempo....so in the mid 60s my band perfected quicksteps,slow foxes, waltzes etc and as we could also play pop and rock we covered all bases and when the group scene ground to a halt in the 70s we played on as a function band....and during the 70s I started writing songs and sending them out top publishers with little success but it was when I sent one to the Opportunity Knocks Songwriters Contest and appeared on the show that I knew I was on the right track so I set up my own record and publishing company and released my own stuff which took off....as the only opinion that mattered about my songs was mine...... What were the worst two winters in the 60s?.....Mike and Bernie........which brings me to my "One of the worst records ever" spot......again this is an example of comedians....if you could call them that....sticking to what they do best and leaving making records to singers.....this one is called "I Like It" and must NOT be confused with Gerry Marsden's classic number one hit in the 60s.......it is basically an instrumental with short breaks where the title was shouted out....they are the ONLY lyrics.....now I don't know if Mike Winters was actually playing his clarinet in the band ( who are very good)......but Bernie definitely should have been forcibly removed from the recording studio......so here it is.....Mike and Bernie Winters "singing" "I Like It"

Don's rant then........... On a lighter note I was never a fan of Frank Sinatra....I know he was admired and idolised by many...but he was never for me...I found his voice very "dry" as opposed to Bing and Pat Boone for example....and in later years old Frank always seemed to be singing about himself...e.g.....I did it MY way....I have been a rover - I have walked alone....start spreading the news I"M leaving today....personally I couldn't care less what Frank was doing and he wasn't always in tune....only my opinion ....and Rod Stewart has a new single out which he obviously wrote himself....it is about him splitting with his girlfriend to go off and play in his country band with lines like..."it was great while it lasted...and the two of us smashed it".....I do like good thought out lyrics...these sadly not falling into that category. The contestant for worst record ever goes this week to a 7 inch single which should have had and 8 inch hole drilled in it....it is by one of those late 50s early 60s pretty boy pop stars who sadly couldn't sing....namely Jess Conrad....back then when we were all engulfed in rock and rock this song was an insult...so I give you Jess Conrad singing "Cherry Pie"

..it's time for my choice of one of the worst records ever....it is from the past and is probably forgotten by most people but there are some songs which are so bad they are difficult to get out of your mind...the culprit is country singer Roger Miller and the song is called "England Swings" and is a description of England...or London...through the eyes of an American who has obviously never been here....fortunately the song is less that 2 minutes long.....it is one of those 8 inch 45 singles which should have had a 9 inch hole drilled in it.

My entry for one of the worst songs ever goes to one of our first pop stars to come on to the scene back in the 50s.....Tommy Steele......now I must admit I liked Tommy because he wasn't an Elvis clone like most of them were at the time....BUT there was no excuse for this record...."Rock With The Caveman".....with classic lines like "The British Museum's got my head...that's most unfortunate 'cos I aint dead" makes it worthy of being one of the worst records ever.....despite Tommy's great backing band.

I have always liked good female singers with pin point accuracy....for example Celine Dion with her gentle delivery...Gladys Knight with her perfect phrasing....Aretha Franklin with her sharp jagged delivery ....Dionne Warwick with her faultless voice (Heartbreaker being one of my favourite songs)....and of course Tina Turner with her fabulous range.....a lot can be learned by up and coming girl singers from the likes of these legends....and at the opposite end of the scale I would like to introduce one of the worst records ever made...only .in my opinion of course....Tell Laura I Love Her by Ricky Valance....which reached number one back in the day....but to me it is one of the worst records ever.

My bad record selection this week features a "song"....if you can call it a song. ...which resembles waking up and finding yourself in hell....it is like every nightmare you have ever had rolled into one....it does in fact defy description....it is called "This Is Yoko Ono".....performed by the lady herself ....once you start listening to it I guarantee you will only give it 20 seconds as it will take that long to actually believe what you are hearing.....I'm sure Yoko is a nice person but whoever told her she could sing should be arrested.......it sounds like she has been set on fire......John Lennon probably liked it....or said he did.....when you play this Vince I will understand if you cut it short......it's like a punishment.

have always liked to listen to good music with clever arrangements and lyrics but like with Ant and Dec I fail to see how some songs achieve their popularity..... I would now like to voice an opinion on a piece of music which I thought was pretty bad......I know the song sold millions and made a bunch of Liverpool lads very famous....but I never got it at the time and never have....Love Me Do by The Beatles....I really enjoy good lyrics....but...Love Me Do.....it's something you would never say....."hey girl love me do"....makes no sense whereas Love me TOO would make more sense.....Love me too (because I love you).....it was brilliantly marketed to created mass hysteria but for me it is one of my least favourite songs of all time....sorry about that....I can'y comment on modern rap because the radio is switched off after the first two bars.

Don tells us about his mind/blowing experience at the age of 12 when he went to watch Rock Around the Clock. He had his day of enlightenment almost like being on the musical road to Damascus. Listen up and relive the music of the 50s with Bill Haley.

First we find out what-s on Don's mind with #Olympic Games #ClimateChange #Liverpool #Heritage and #Music...This week's "there and back in a day" features Northern Ireland......as explained in previous programmes these were travelogues made with Radio Merseyside's Monty Lister where we would travel to various places for one day...he would do the commentary and I would handle the sound.....so this one starts out at Liverpool Airport in the early hours of the morning and we land in Belfast where we are shown around the city before boarding a coach which takes us across country to the Mountains of Mourn where we stopped off for lunch and had a look around the area.....on the way there the coach driver pointed out some boats coming into the harbour and explained they were bringing back a cargo of eels for the local fishmonger trade....someone on the coach asked if we could see some eels.....the driver nods his head and takes a left off the carriageway and down this country road which was narrower that the coach....stops at a farm and goes and asks this chap if he could show his passengers some eels....the chap comes on to the coach with a huge box of LIVE eels all jumping about with him trying to keep them in the box....certainly livened up the day....only in Ireland.