Joshua Jeremiah Broadcast

This is merely a continuation of my January 29th, Sunday...well, okay, it was done a lot later in the day when I had time to reflect on things.

When I initially recorded this broadcast on Sunday, January 29th, 2006, I felt as if I had reached a personal conclusion about my relationship with Todd. I felt happy to have put circumstantial actions into a solidified conclusion that I could wrap my mind around. However, as it has taken me several days to actually find time to put the recording up on my site and make that recording available for download, I've had some time to actually talk with Todd about both his feelings and my feelings. On my recording, events were fairly contained within my mind. Now, however, I feel like I owe Todd an apology. Todd has a myriad of feelings for me, just as I have a myriad of feelings for him. The interaction of those feelings has left us both confused. I continually say that Todd wants to "get up my ass" on my Sunday walk and upon listening to my own recording, two things occur to me: * My thoughts center around sexuality * I'm very divisive with people because I continually assign "roles" (and, hence, labels) to people I'm not very happy with those two thoughts. Point 1: My thoughts center around sexuality I fully believe that sexuality is an integral facet of a healthy, consensual relationship between two or more people (yes, those types of relationships exist, thank you). I believe that happiness in sexual fulfillment is an aspect of overall happiness. What bothers me is that sex is, usually, the toughest aspect to work through at initial contact with other gay men (at least from my viewpoint). I like to know what a guy desires right off the bat because sexual fulfillment is important to me. Yes, I'm open to new experiences, but I really believe that sexual compatibility is one tough maze to navigate. If I date a guy for several weeks and then find out that our ideas of sex are completely different, then why am I subjecting myself to a circumstance that will, most likely, fail? Point 2: I'm very divisive with people because I continually assign "roles" (and, hence, labels) to people God, I don't know if I really want to go into gory detail on this one. This bear of a topic is applicable to almost any aspect of any single individual's personality, including my own. I've been to therapy and the small number of therapists that I have seen agree on one thing - I tend to "compartmentalize" almost everything. I think, for me, it's a coping mechanism. If I can put something into a nice, neat container, I can deal with it. I really am very poor at dealing with "transient" ideas or flowing personalities. It sucks because I recognize that I am a transient personality, an individual constantly evolving and almost always highly emotional. I have a difficult time dealing with myself and I admit it. I want to break out of my "role" assignment tendency, but it's a tough process. Many times the assignments of "roles" works extremely well for me. Shit, I've been able to survive and somewhat prosper through a number of tumultuous incidents and contacts with people, so I feel that there's some credibility behind the way I perceive and process the world. The tough part, I believe, is learning to draw the line and "break away" from my standardization of my own reality. It's a frightening concept and it becomes more difficult to do as I become set in my ways.

I'm taking a stroll to the usual Osco Drug store today, as well as I'm planning a little "tool-time" adventure at Ace Hardware. I'm I can be a little snobby and a little prissy and I admit it. The front entrance to my apartment complex is rather small and becomes easily cluttered with junk mail that the post-person feels free to just toss on the ground. Many times I allow disorder to have a huge influence over me mental state of being. I become disorganized and hardly settled in my own thoughts when lack of order surrounds me. If I feel unkept at home, I generally feel unkept in life. I can usually tell when I'm feeling down because my place becomes a wreck and I'm hardly happy with the circumstance. So, needless to say, the front-lobby of my apartment complex has finally gotten to my psyche. I broke down today and spent my own money on a cheap trash can for our lobby. I'm waiting to see if the custodian is going to take it away. Knowing the custodian's train of thought, he'll probably get rid of something that makes sense. Oy. At least I'm finally getting a handle on my own apartment!

Proper form and the gym - if you lack proper form, your body is going to hardly end up looking lustingly natural. Working out intelligently will be a better key to looking good, feeling good, actually lifting a lighter amount of weight and avoiding injury. Everyday I see people working out wrong and it's those type of people that never improve, don't come back to the gym or look odd because they're working some aspect of their body in an odd way. Granted, I'm now power weight lifter, but I still look good, get compliments and have people ask me what I do for my workout. That tends to tell me that I'm doing something right, so until I'm told otherwise, I'm going to continue believing that.

I've been prone to tell people that "I'm a slow thinker", but I don't think that's an entirely accurate statement. I tend to view myself as an individual who carefully considers the options in the world surrounding him. Now, granted, there are many times where I think I get confused by the multitude of possibilities that lay before me. There are also times where the possibility of a simple solution also confuses me because my expectations tend to be built to look for complex solutions. There are also times where my fear of a new idea holds me back, as well, and I tend to find that scenario one that pushes my limits of comfortability. I think fear can be healthy. I think too much fear ceases life. I guess I'm just easily confused. I'm fairly lucky to have made it this far.

Jeremiah: 51a) Audio Broadcast 51a - Disco Inferno! I'm talking about New Year's day celebrations, but where's the party?

Heidi-ho, people! I'm at broadcast number 50, I know. What's a guy to do? I know that Bernard Bradshow of Sex and the 2nd City made a big to-do over the whole aspect of reaching 50 podcasts, but I think I'm more ambivalent about the whole thing. I think I'll be more impressed with myself when I actually reach 100 broadcasts. Maybe then I'll have a "call-in" line or a stalker or something else quite fabulous happen to me. Anyway, this installment of Joshua Jeremiah is a reach back into Christmas events. In all my bitching about work issues, I totally forgot to recap what my holidays were like on my last return to broadcasting. Oy! You poor people. I really thank everyone for their patience with my lack of forethought. I'd write more, but it's late and I need to get this sucker posted. Maybe one of these days I'll find some time to actually get some concrete writing in place.

Yes, I'm alive. I've also made it into the New Year with my new job keeping me busy, my friends teaching me the valuable lessons of communication and the wonderful people around the world telling me to get off my ass and do a new show! The wonderful people urging me forward include Lior, Floriana, Chris, Zak and Bruiser, of the Bruiser Chronicles. It's tough, people, to keep up a beautiful body, a full-time job, an organized house and do a program all the time. Well, enough excuses. I'm going to do my best to keep up a fairly regular installment of Joshua Jeremiah (soon to be Wandering J). I don't know if I can promise a daily dose of myself, but I can, at the very least, do something weekly. I think once I've got a new site established I'll be able to commit to more frequency, but until then I'll do what I can. Yeah, my jaw's been flapping all the time about a new site, but it will definitely happen.

Alright, just one post besides the obvious...I've been hearing that downloads of my broadcast and getting cut-off. Is this true? If so, let me know. I've found that if I unsubscribe and then resubscribe to my own broadcast, many times that solves the problem of cut-off problems. That's all the advice I'm giving on my own birthday!

Alright, once again, I'm keeping the description on the down-low. Just know that I'm anticipating the opportunity to get out of my goddam house!

It's been a week since my last recording and that's NOT good! I'm letting time slip through my fingers as if it were a meaningless entity. What is happening with my time? Sex...the basest of the human drives, of course. Yikes, I must reteach myself self-discipline. Well, today on Joshua Jeremiah or Jeremiah Provocative or whatever, another show rename...how many are there? I've also got more dealings with that goddam bear, Patrick. Now, however, another, second Patrick comes into the mix. Where will this double Patrick whammy lead?

Alright, I've been recording, but I just haven't had time to put shit up. I've been too damn busy and my apartment is a wreck! Since I'm putting this up on a day that's far later than Sunday, I think I'll mention that I've heard that PureCastMedia has met some hard times. Many podcasters out there have been left with no home to house their broadcasts, so I'm going to give my own host a shout out. Check out Servage.net for web hosting and podcast hosting. They're a great service who provide lots of bandwidth and plenty of space for anyone wanting to do almost anything on the internet. They've got my props.

Hello! This broadcast is chocked full of psychotherapeutic goodness. Yes, I'm on another one of my "Osco Drugstore" runs and, as per usual, I'm working on vocalizing the issues machinating within my torrential mind. Anxiety often rules the world of Joshua Jeremiah with a heavy backhanded slap and, damn bitch, anxiety is wearing some goddam heavy brass knuckles. I have this egotistical view of myself of having the ability to achieve some type of stardom (but, then again, I do believe that almost anyone can achieve such a goal with a fair balance of work, talent and positive happenstance...I know, what a crock) and it always seems that when I'm on the cusp of achieving or creating something greater than my being, anxiety slaps my ass to the ground. Eh, that's my issue to work through, so I'll move on to something a little more informative. Heed my warning, however, as I give up more of my masculinity issues, the ease of talking to women and the urge to be competetive. Hey all you Mac-heads out there, go to GyazSquare and check out the GyazMail client. It fucking rocks! GyazMail allows me to actually log onto my mail server and see what mail is present on the server, itself. Rather than delete mail as it arrives, or clear out the mail after a given period of time, GyazMail acts as a window into my mail server host. It's awesome! I can delete mail as I please and I can actually see the current state of my entire mailbox. I can organize my view of the mail on the mail server, thus allowing me to remotely see what mail is good for deleting and what mail is good for archiving. I have yet to find another mail client that can do that for me. The only downside of GyazMail is the inability to use different fonts or use colored fonts or really format mail in various ways. Oh well, it's a give and take. I'm going to start giving a shout-out to my host provider Servage.net. They're a great hosting company that provides plenty of space and plenty of bandwidth. Check out Servage.net, sign-up and use the coupon code "CUST13208".

While editing the broadcast I found, to my utter dismay, a great degree of broken thoughts that often bore little explanation. I tend to be one who grasps for the underlying explanation for many a thing in this vast life, so hearing myself leave out integral details to a story is rather disconcerting. Dear audience, you have my sincere apologies for my exclusion of details, my sidetracking thought and the overall failure to effectively communicate the thoughts running through my head within this particular broadcast.

Wednesday and boy, howdy am I trying to get over that hump...well, more like the lack of a hump. Anyway, this is another shortened description. I think I'll start expanding these descriptions, again, once I've gotten caught up on the posting of my shows. In any case, here's another big shout-out to RadioGay who took the time to feature my podcast on their show. It was truly a wonderful feeling to encounter that type of promotion. I am grateful.