Jeremiah: 54) Audio Broadcast 54 - A rainy walk home that lets me ponder over my thoughts regarding Todd

Summary: When I initially recorded this broadcast on Sunday, January 29th, 2006, I felt as if I had reached a personal conclusion about my relationship with Todd. I felt happy to have put circumstantial actions into a solidified conclusion that I could wrap my mind around. However, as it has taken me several days to actually find time to put the recording up on my site and make that recording available for download, I've had some time to actually talk with Todd about both his feelings and my feelings. On my recording, events were fairly contained within my mind. Now, however, I feel like I owe Todd an apology. Todd has a myriad of feelings for me, just as I have a myriad of feelings for him. The interaction of those feelings has left us both confused. I continually say that Todd wants to "get up my ass" on my Sunday walk and upon listening to my own recording, two things occur to me: * My thoughts center around sexuality * I'm very divisive with people because I continually assign "roles" (and, hence, labels) to people I'm not very happy with those two thoughts. Point 1: My thoughts center around sexuality I fully believe that sexuality is an integral facet of a healthy, consensual relationship between two or more people (yes, those types of relationships exist, thank you). I believe that happiness in sexual fulfillment is an aspect of overall happiness. What bothers me is that sex is, usually, the toughest aspect to work through at initial contact with other gay men (at least from my viewpoint). I like to know what a guy desires right off the bat because sexual fulfillment is important to me. Yes, I'm open to new experiences, but I really believe that sexual compatibility is one tough maze to navigate. If I date a guy for several weeks and then find out that our ideas of sex are completely different, then why am I subjecting myself to a circumstance that will, most likely, fail? Point 2: I'm very divisive with people because I continually assign "roles" (and, hence, labels) to people God, I don't know if I really want to go into gory detail on this one. This bear of a topic is applicable to almost any aspect of any single individual's personality, including my own. I've been to therapy and the small number of therapists that I have seen agree on one thing - I tend to "compartmentalize" almost everything. I think, for me, it's a coping mechanism. If I can put something into a nice, neat container, I can deal with it. I really am very poor at dealing with "transient" ideas or flowing personalities. It sucks because I recognize that I am a transient personality, an individual constantly evolving and almost always highly emotional. I have a difficult time dealing with myself and I admit it. I want to break out of my "role" assignment tendency, but it's a tough process. Many times the assignments of "roles" works extremely well for me. Shit, I've been able to survive and somewhat prosper through a number of tumultuous incidents and contacts with people, so I feel that there's some credibility behind the way I perceive and process the world. The tough part, I believe, is learning to draw the line and "break away" from my standardization of my own reality. It's a frightening concept and it becomes more difficult to do as I become set in my ways.