Better Sex

The topic today is eroticism, which is our unique fingerprint of what turns us on. It’s a set of things or the theme of things that really arouses us – that we find highly interesting and erotic. We all have the things that we prefer in sex and things that we find more arousing than others. This is a useful concept and area of inquiry if we’re going to make our sex life as good as we can. Frees Us from Guilt and Shame I find eroticism fascinating. And one of the theories that I subscribe to was developed by Michael Bader, who wrote a great book called Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies. He talks about how our eroticism, what we find especially arousing, frees us from guilt and shame. It moves those obstacles out of the way so that we can be fully aroused. I give a great example of what Mr. Bader means, and if you are interested in learning more, I highly recommend the book in terms of trying to figure out why exactly does your eroticism exist? What does it absolve you of or relieve for you? Why is Eroticism Important? In some ways, you may have been going along having sex with your partner for a long time. It hasn’t been highly erotic, and it’s been just fine, and that’s part of the problem. We tend, over time, to come down to what a colleague of mine called “lowest common denominator sex.” How do we get to this point and what do we do to move beyond this level? It’s important to understand that maybe there’s room to explore what could reenergize your sex life. We Need More Fuel for the Fire Not only is our sex life becoming a little bit more predictable if we’re with the same partner usually, but we tend to need more fuel on the fire to get aroused or to reach an orgasm as we age, as we have more stress, as we have more responsibilities. So, tapping into our eroticism is a great way to up the stimulation because that is mental stimulation. If you’ve ever heard the saying that our brain is our biggest sex organ, that’s what that means to me. I explain it further during the episode. Mental stimulation has a lot of power. And if we add that, we get our brain engaged and highly charged, and that’s a lot of energy for our sex life. That added stimulation makes it much, much easier to get aroused or reach orgasm, especially as we get older in terms of what we need to really get turned on. Your Eroticism is Revealed in Different Ways If you think about the best sex you’ve ever had or the sex that was the most exciting or what you like to do, that might point you in the direction of what you find highly arousing. A place you could also look is in your reaction to sexual or romantic material. There is so much out there, and we don’t respond equally to all of it. We’re going to be drawn towards things that shine a light on what we find erotic. Watch for those things. And if you haven’t noticed that or you’re not coming across it, maybe seek out some erotic material on purpose and test the waters. Another place you can look for your eroticism is in your sexual fantasies. If you fantasize, or if you could begin to fantasize about purely erotic material, your own creations really reflect your eroticism. This works because we don’t put stuff in there that doesn’t work for us. If you want to examine your sexual fantasies, spend a little bit of time there, maybe write some of these out. That can be a great place to identify the themes of what turns you on. Once You Understand Your Eroticism The next step is to share that with your partner. To learn theirs and to share yours with them. I can’t stress this enough – adopt a stance of curiosity without judgment. Set the stage to have a welcoming conversation and start to explore what really turns you each on without any sense that you must do anything about this yet, or that it means that anything is good...

The topic today is eroticism, which is our unique fingerprint of what turns us on. It’s a set of things or the theme of things that really arouses us – that we find highly interesting and erotic. We all have the things that we prefer in sex and things that we find more arousing than others. This is a useful concept and area of inquiry if we’re going to make our sex life as good as we can. Frees Us from Guilt and Shame I find eroticism fascinating. And one of the theories that I subscribe to was developed by Michael Bader, who wrote a great book called Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies. He talks about how our eroticism, what we find especially arousing, frees us from guilt and shame. It moves those obstacles out of the way so that we can be fully aroused. I give a great example of what Mr. Bader means, and if you are interested in learning more, I highly recommend the book in terms of trying to figure out why exactly does your eroticism exist? What does it absolve you of or relieve for you? Why is Eroticism Important? In some ways, you may have been going along having sex with your partner for a long time. It hasn’t been highly erotic, and it’s been just fine, and that’s part of the problem. We tend, over time, to come down to what a colleague of mine called “lowest common denominator sex.” How do we get to this point and what do we do to move beyond this level? It’s important to understand that maybe there’s room to explore what could reenergize your sex life. We Need More Fuel for the Fire Not only is our sex life becoming a little bit more predictable if we’re with the same partner usually, but we tend to need more fuel on the fire to get aroused or to reach an orgasm as we age, as we have more stress, as we have more responsibilities. So, tapping into our eroticism is a great way to up the stimulation because that is mental stimulation. If you’ve ever heard the saying that our brain is our biggest sex organ, that’s what that means to me. I explain it further during the episode. Mental stimulation has a lot of power. And if we add that, we get our brain engaged and highly charged, and that’s a lot of energy for our sex life. That added stimulation makes it much, much easier to get aroused or reach orgasm, especially as we get older in terms of what we need to really get turned on. Your Eroticism is Revealed in Different Ways If you think about the best sex you’ve ever had or the sex that was the most exciting or what you like to do, that might point you in the direction of what you find highly arousing. A place you could also look is in your reaction to sexual or romantic material. There is so much out there, and we don’t respond equally to all of it. We’re going to be drawn towards things that shine a light on what we find erotic. Watch for those things. And if you haven’t noticed that or you’re not coming across it, maybe seek out some erotic material on purpose and test the waters. Another place you can look for your eroticism is in your sexual fantasies. If you fantasize, or if you could begin to fantasize about purely erotic material, your own creations really reflect your eroticism. This works because we don’t put stuff in there that doesn’t work for us. If you want to examine your sexual fantasies, spend a little bit of time there, maybe write some of these out. That can be a great place to identify the themes of what turns you on. Once You Understand Your Eroticism The next step is to share that with your partner. To learn theirs and to share yours with them. I can’t stress this enough – adopt a stance of curiosity without judgment. Set the stage to have a welcoming conversation and start to explore what really turns you each on without any sense that you must do anything about this yet, or that it means that anything is good...

Girl Boner – A Story of EmpowermentMy guest is August McLaughlin. She is a celebrated health and sexuality writer, the creator of Girl Boner, wrote a book with the same name, and is a fellow podcaster!As she states during the talk, her experience with sexual education was very lacking and lopsided. From an early age, she was prepared for the terrifying world of cramps and bleeding without mention of the empowering sexual satisfaction that women can experience. This would lead to her investigating sex on her own terms, and in turn, she has empowered countless women through her work.She talks about how working in the modeling industry-led an eating disorder, how she discovered masturbation, the way toward empowerment, and much more!Connection Between her Sexual Shame and Eventual HealingAugust says that it’s hard to separate how we feel about our bodies and our emotional selves. If we don’t really talk about our genitalia and sex is considered taboo, we aren’t able to awaken the empowerment within ourselves.As August went through her eating disorder while she was doing modeling work, she also realized that an underlying cause for her not being sexually empowered was the sexual shame she carried around with her. She says that therapy certainly helped, but she was still not addressing the root of her problem.She says that a turning point in her transformation was that she started getting uncharacteristically angry. She would get sad, frustrated, and angry with herself. She realized that, as a woman, she was taught not to access her sexuality. August also realized that she didn’t know much about her own anatomy.She said she was having pleasurable sex at this point, but it became something else entirely when she connected with her body and felt empowered.Masturbation as a Turning PointAugust said that for the majority of her life, she had been more inclined to participate in intercourse than outercourse. She said that external stimulation had never really done anything for her, and besides, there had always been a layer of shame surrounding the act itself.It wasn’t until she revisited masturbation with a new perspective that it eventually opened up her eyes to more empowerment.She says that she switched careers. August was a full-time writer, she was in a monogamous relationship, and one day while her partner was traveling work, she was confronted with a desire for sex and no outlet for it. That was when she tried masturbation.August was 30 years old at this point. On the night she discovered the empowerment of masturbation, she was so excited she called her partner and told him that she had achieved an orgasm on her own! For more on this, listen to August tell the story in her own words.The “Girl Boner” Origin and MissionAfter the orgasm that changed her life, she applied for the trademark on the term ‘girl boner’. The term itself has multiple meanings for August. It’s a humorous term she used in grade school, it stands for sexual potency and empowerment, and it’s one of those titles that gets your attention right away.How Journaling has Helped AugustWhile she was freewriting and journaling, a lot was coming out about her acting career and her sexual insecurities. She thinks it’s a very powerful tool for unearthing inner sexual desires and to help with fostering curiosity. It also helps you to approach a difficult or awkward sexual subject and get closer to it in a much more comfortable way.Key Links for August McLaughlinAffiliate link for Her book: Girl Boner – https://amzn.to/2Run62dWebsite: https://augustmclaughlin.com/Podcast:

Girl Boner – A Story of EmpowermentMy guest is August McLaughlin. She is a celebrated health and sexuality writer, the creator of Girl Boner, wrote a book with the same name, and is a fellow podcaster!As she states during the talk, her experience with sexual education was very lacking and lopsided. From an early age, she was prepared for the terrifying world of cramps and bleeding without mention of the empowering sexual satisfaction that women can experience. This would lead to her investigating sex on her own terms, and in turn, she has empowered countless women through her work.She talks about how working in the modeling industry-led an eating disorder, how she discovered masturbation, the way toward empowerment, and much more!Connection Between her Sexual Shame and Eventual HealingAugust says that it’s hard to separate how we feel about our bodies and our emotional selves. If we don’t really talk about our genitalia and sex is considered taboo, we aren’t able to awaken the empowerment within ourselves.As August went through her eating disorder while she was doing modeling work, she also realized that an underlying cause for her not being sexually empowered was the sexual shame she carried around with her. She says that therapy certainly helped, but she was still not addressing the root of her problem.She says that a turning point in her transformation was that she started getting uncharacteristically angry. She would get sad, frustrated, and angry with herself. She realized that, as a woman, she was taught not to access her sexuality. August also realized that she didn’t know much about her own anatomy.She said she was having pleasurable sex at this point, but it became something else entirely when she connected with her body and felt empowered.Masturbation as a Turning PointAugust said that for the majority of her life, she had been more inclined to participate in intercourse than outercourse. She said that external stimulation had never really done anything for her, and besides, there had always been a layer of shame surrounding the act itself.It wasn’t until she revisited masturbation with a new perspective that it eventually opened up her eyes to more empowerment.She says that she switched careers. August was a full-time writer, she was in a monogamous relationship, and one day while her partner was traveling work, she was confronted with a desire for sex and no outlet for it. That was when she tried masturbation.August was 30 years old at this point. On the night she discovered the empowerment of masturbation, she was so excited she called her partner and told him that she had achieved an orgasm on her own! For more on this, listen to August tell the story in her own words.The “Girl Boner” Origin and MissionAfter the orgasm that changed her life, she applied for the trademark on the term ‘girl boner’. The term itself has multiple meanings for August. It’s a humorous term she used in grade school, it stands for sexual potency and empowerment, and it’s one of those titles that gets your attention right away.How Journaling has Helped AugustWhile she was freewriting and journaling, a lot was coming out about her acting career and her sexual insecurities. She thinks it’s a very powerful tool for unearthing inner sexual desires and to help with fostering curiosity. It also helps you to approach a difficult or awkward sexual subject and get closer to it in a much more comfortable way.Key Links for August McLaughlinAffiliate link for Her book: Girl Boner – https://amzn.to/2Run62dWebsite: https://augustmclaughlin.com/Podcast:

Desire Discrepancy may or may not be a term that you’ve heard. This is where two different people want different amounts of sex. There’s a discrepancy between your desire and your partner’s. This is universal. It happens all the time, and it is a problem for a lot of people. In this episode, I’m going to talk about Desire Discrepancy, how it occurs naturally, issues that may crop up around it, and give you some strategies to effectively navigate this common challenge.Desire Discrepancy Doesn’t Need to Be a StruggleMost of the couples that I see in my practice are struggling with Desire Discrepancy, often in addition to some other issues and concerns. It can be a large part of where they’re struggling emotionally and relationally with each other.And it doesn’t need to be a struggle. Actually, nothing is broken. It’s just that we tend to handle this poorly. We don’t understand that it’s normal, and we don’t understand how to approach our part of the dynamic to be constructive with our partners.Having Desire Discrepancy is NaturalIt probably makes sense to you, the idea that any two people don’t want the same amount of sex. This is a universal phenomenon in a relationship, at least over time. Why would any two people want exactly the same amount of sex early in your relationship? Maybe it felt like you did, maybe it was easy and you both couldn’t keep your hands off each other. But over time, discrepancy shows up, and for different reasons. This isn’t that somebody is lacking desire or that somebody’s broken. It’s natural for our desire to ebb and flow. It’s harder once we get older, it’s harder once we’ve been with the same person for a while, it’s harder when stresses show up in our lives and we get busy with careers or children or other kinds of things that go on for us.While everybody experiences it, it’s not a problem by itself, but it can be experienced as a problem. And it’s often thought to be a problem for people that are struggling with sex in their relationship. During this episode, I talk to you a little bit about how this works and how you can approach it differently with your partners.The Solution Involves CollaborationSo now that we understand it is not a problem, we also need to realize we are not going to get you where you both want the same amount of sex because that’s not the goal. What I want to do is help you get to a place where you’re collaborating in this phenomenon, where you’re working together as a team where it’s not polarizing you, where you don’t consider it in any real issue.There still may be a little bit of negotiation, or maybe even frustration for either one of you around this, but it shouldn’t be divisive.The Lower Desire Partner Has The ControlIt’s important to understand that as desire discrepancy emerges over time or develops over time, you must realize that the person that wants less has all the control. Not because they want it, not because they enjoy having that kind of control or power, mostly they don’t. But anybody who wants something less kind of has their hand on the spigot, they’re the ones saying if, and when, and how. And this dynamic doesn’t just apply to sex, it applies to almost anything. In these situations, the person who wants something less or who isn’t valuing it as much, they have the control. It is built into the system, not because they are trying to be controlling or because they are enjoying having this control over you, it’s just fundamentally part of the system.The System is Under PressureWhen somebody wants something more than somebody else, another thing that’s inherent in this situation is pressure. The person who wants something less typically feels a lot of pressure. They’re aware that their partner wants this thing and there’s a lot of pressure in the system. And it’s likely not because the person that wants more sex is trying to...

Desire Discrepancy may or may not be a term that you’ve heard. This is where two different people want different amounts of sex. There’s a discrepancy between your desire and your partner’s. This is universal. It happens all the time, and it is a problem for a lot of people. In this episode, I’m going to talk about Desire Discrepancy, how it occurs naturally, issues that may crop up around it, and give you some strategies to effectively navigate this common challenge.Desire Discrepancy Doesn’t Need to Be a StruggleMost of the couples that I see in my practice are struggling with Desire Discrepancy, often in addition to some other issues and concerns. It can be a large part of where they’re struggling emotionally and relationally with each other.And it doesn’t need to be a struggle. Actually, nothing is broken. It’s just that we tend to handle this poorly. We don’t understand that it’s normal, and we don’t understand how to approach our part of the dynamic to be constructive with our partners.Having Desire Discrepancy is NaturalIt probably makes sense to you, the idea that any two people don’t want the same amount of sex. This is a universal phenomenon in a relationship, at least over time. Why would any two people want exactly the same amount of sex early in your relationship? Maybe it felt like you did, maybe it was easy and you both couldn’t keep your hands off each other. But over time, discrepancy shows up, and for different reasons. This isn’t that somebody is lacking desire or that somebody’s broken. It’s natural for our desire to ebb and flow. It’s harder once we get older, it’s harder once we’ve been with the same person for a while, it’s harder when stresses show up in our lives and we get busy with careers or children or other kinds of things that go on for us.While everybody experiences it, it’s not a problem by itself, but it can be experienced as a problem. And it’s often thought to be a problem for people that are struggling with sex in their relationship. During this episode, I talk to you a little bit about how this works and how you can approach it differently with your partners.The Solution Involves CollaborationSo now that we understand it is not a problem, we also need to realize we are not going to get you where you both want the same amount of sex because that’s not the goal. What I want to do is help you get to a place where you’re collaborating in this phenomenon, where you’re working together as a team where it’s not polarizing you, where you don’t consider it in any real issue.There still may be a little bit of negotiation, or maybe even frustration for either one of you around this, but it shouldn’t be divisive.The Lower Desire Partner Has The ControlIt’s important to understand that as desire discrepancy emerges over time or develops over time, you must realize that the person that wants less has all the control. Not because they want it, not because they enjoy having that kind of control or power, mostly they don’t. But anybody who wants something less kind of has their hand on the spigot, they’re the ones saying if, and when, and how. And this dynamic doesn’t just apply to sex, it applies to almost anything. In these situations, the person who wants something less or who isn’t valuing it as much, they have the control. It is built into the system, not because they are trying to be controlling or because they are enjoying having this control over you, it’s just fundamentally part of the system.The System is Under PressureWhen somebody wants something more than somebody else, another thing that’s inherent in this situation is pressure. The person who wants something less typically feels a lot of pressure. They’re aware that their partner wants this thing and there’s a lot of pressure in the system. And it’s likely not because the person that wants more sex is trying to...

All about Feminine EnergyMy guest Sharon Cohen, PhD has been working in the mental health field for over 25 years. She has also specialized in love and relationships for the past 7 years, but as she states during the interview, she has always been passionate about the subject.Her main clientele is women in their 30’s and 40’s, but she does work with men as well! She says she is committed to helping women find the right relationship for them.In this episode, in particular, she taps into her knowledge base to teach us about the dynamic energy fields at the root of all relationships. Often there are masculine and feminine interplays in energy and the best, most stable relationships have a healthy balance of the two. She talks much more in-depth about this fascinating subject within. Enjoy!The Red, Yellow, and Green Flags of a RelationshipIn Sharon’s program, she has something called the red/yellow/green flag process, in which she helps her clients to become aware of the people to avoid, as well as the people to pursue a lasting, healthy relationship for you.Sharon says believes that it’s really important to know completely what you don’t want in a relationship. So she has her clients make a list of the 3 non-negotiables to make sure that once the honeymoon period ends in a relationship, the negative qualities they don’t want will not surface unexpectedly.The Importance of Self-AwarenessSharon says that some clients work under the assumption and belief that all of the people they’ve dated are the problem instead of taking some of the ownership for relationship troubles. She said that self-awareness is key to having a healthy relationship, and it’s challenging to work with clients who don’t have any self-awareness.This goes hand in hand with being willing to change. As Sharon shares, if you’re not willing to change, then no change will happen.Common Mistakes Her Clients Are MakingA common problem that some of her clients run into is that many of the women feel they have to stop being confident and independent in their work life to have a relationship. But she says that for those who say they want to be completely independent, they might as well not be in a relationship. Relationships, by definition, require interdependencyIn addition, she also comes across difficulties regarding the dynamic between feminine and masculine energies. For those who are not aware, a balance of masculine and feminine energies seems to spark a healthier interplay during a relationship. These energies are not the same as your gender identity. All people can have both masculine and feminine energy, and each couple functions better if both energies are represented. Couples often struggle when feminine energy is lacking.Understanding all of this is very important and Sharon talks much more about it within the episode!Energy Dynamic Within Same-Sex CouplesSharon says that even with same-sex couples, some people will tend to be more masculine than feminine in their energies. Again, gender identity is not the defining characteristic here. There is an energy range that fluctuates and changes regularly.Working with SexSharon says that she works with couples who have trouble communicating their individual sexual desires. Giving each partner a voice and opportunity to respond in an open way is vital for any healthy, fulfilling relationship.She uses a script that is kind of awkward at first, but also somewhat humorous. And through that practice and approach, the difficult subject can be broached in an effective, non-intimidating way.Key Links for Dr. Sharon CohenSharon’s website (check out her free-ebook and make a consultation with Sharon!): https://drsharoncohen.com/More info:Book and New...

All about Feminine EnergyMy guest Sharon Cohen, PhD has been working in the mental health field for over 25 years. She has also specialized in love and relationships for the past 7 years, but as she states during the interview, she has always been passionate about the subject.Her main clientele is women in their 30’s and 40’s, but she does work with men as well! She says she is committed to helping women find the right relationship for them.In this episode, in particular, she taps into her knowledge base to teach us about the dynamic energy fields at the root of all relationships. Often there are masculine and feminine interplays in energy and the best, most stable relationships have a healthy balance of the two. She talks much more in-depth about this fascinating subject within. Enjoy!The Red, Yellow, and Green Flags of a RelationshipIn Sharon’s program, she has something called the red/yellow/green flag process, in which she helps her clients to become aware of the people to avoid, as well as the people to pursue a lasting, healthy relationship for you.Sharon says believes that it’s really important to know completely what you don’t want in a relationship. So she has her clients make a list of the 3 non-negotiables to make sure that once the honeymoon period ends in a relationship, the negative qualities they don’t want will not surface unexpectedly.The Importance of Self-AwarenessSharon says that some clients work under the assumption and belief that all of the people they’ve dated are the problem instead of taking some of the ownership for relationship troubles. She said that self-awareness is key to having a healthy relationship, and it’s challenging to work with clients who don’t have any self-awareness.This goes hand in hand with being willing to change. As Sharon shares, if you’re not willing to change, then no change will happen.Common Mistakes Her Clients Are MakingA common problem that some of her clients run into is that many of the women feel they have to stop being confident and independent in their work life to have a relationship. But she says that for those who say they want to be completely independent, they might as well not be in a relationship. Relationships, by definition, require interdependencyIn addition, she also comes across difficulties regarding the dynamic between feminine and masculine energies. For those who are not aware, a balance of masculine and feminine energies seems to spark a healthier interplay during a relationship. These energies are not the same as your gender identity. All people can have both masculine and feminine energy, and each couple functions better if both energies are represented. Couples often struggle when feminine energy is lacking.Understanding all of this is very important and Sharon talks much more about it within the episode!Energy Dynamic Within Same-Sex CouplesSharon says that even with same-sex couples, some people will tend to be more masculine than feminine in their energies. Again, gender identity is not the defining characteristic here. There is an energy range that fluctuates and changes regularly.Working with SexSharon says that she works with couples who have trouble communicating their individual sexual desires. Giving each partner a voice and opportunity to respond in an open way is vital for any healthy, fulfilling relationship.She uses a script that is kind of awkward at first, but also somewhat humorous. And through that practice and approach, the difficult subject can be broached in an effective, non-intimidating way.Key Links for Dr. Sharon CohenSharon’s website (check out her free-ebook and make a consultation with Sharon!): https://drsharoncohen.com/More info:Book and New...

Sexual Satisfaction ScaleBecause there have been so many great guests and conversations on the show, it has been a while since we’ve done a soapbox episode. In this soapbox, Jessa talks about measuring sexual satisfaction in a way that is meaningful to you.While host Jessa was doing her continued education (as sex therapists are required to do), she discovered a tool called a self-anchored ladder. This ladder can be used to create a sexual satisfaction ranking from 1-10, but it’s unique to each individual and anchored in the things that are important to you.This episode focuses on the self-anchored ladder, and specifically on what sexual satisfaction means to you personally. And the ultimate goal is to compare your self-anchored ladder with your partner and then collaborate to integrate the most meaningful aspects of sex for both of you.Determining What Makes Sex Satisfying For YouYou can find out the most satisfying aspects of sex by creating your ladder. This is a scale that ranges from 1-10 and which is made by you. This is in direct opposition to other scales that are assembled with general descriptors, and which are usually only indirectly related to your personal makeup or what you look for in sex.Jessa talks about how to create your scale, though a blank template is available using the link below. There are then 3 columns for the self-anchored ladder: the low, middle, and high satisfaction details. And in as many words as you can, you define what would make your sexual satisfaction fall in the low, middle or high end of your scale.A good way of clarifying this and getting warmed up is to first think about your favorite meals or dining experiences. What constitutes or makes the most enjoyable experience for you personally? The low, middle, or high? And then after that warmup, do the same thing for sex!Pause the Recording!Make sure you fill out the low, middle, and high sections separate from your partner. There should be no conversations or discussions with them at this point, so you can each identify the variables that impact your satisfaction level.Now, look at what you filled in and search for patterns. Did you use similar words or phrases? Are there any shared themes across the different sections of the scale? Are you talking about the frequency of sex? Certain behaviors or activities? Emotional or relational aspects? An emphasis on orgasms?Just analyzing your inputs can help you understand the driving forces that equate to sexual satisfaction for you.Another Way to Examine Your ScaleA very important metric for determining your sexual satisfaction is your previous sexual history. Maybe you haven’t had a sexual encounter yet, or maybe you have very specific remembrances that drive your present satisfactions. The point is that your past can really inform your desires and evaluations.Looking towards the future is key, as well. As you glance over your scale, make sure you are considering how your self-anchored ladder applies to your future. This can also bring the limits of your imagination to the surface. If you are looking towards the future but have limiting doubts about whether you can achieve full sexual satisfaction, just recognizing those limiting thoughts can have a profound impact on your life.Also, are you more satisfied now then you have ever been? If not, what do you think has currently changed? And determining the amount of satisfaction you think you deserve is very important as well.Compare the Descriptors and the Ranking With Your PartnerYou may find in comparing your scales just how different you and your partner are. Some may focus more on orgasm and others on emotional aspects of sex. And coming together and collaborating can be an eye-opening experience where contrasts are revealed and adjustments are made that lead to truly...

Sexual Satisfaction ScaleBecause there have been so many great guests and conversations on the show, it has been a while since we’ve done a soapbox episode. In this soapbox, Jessa talks about measuring sexual satisfaction in a way that is meaningful to you.While host Jessa was doing her continued education (as sex therapists are required to do), she discovered a tool called a self-anchored ladder. This ladder can be used to create a sexual satisfaction ranking from 1-10, but it’s unique to each individual and anchored in the things that are important to you.This episode focuses on the self-anchored ladder, and specifically on what sexual satisfaction means to you personally. And the ultimate goal is to compare your self-anchored ladder with your partner and then collaborate to integrate the most meaningful aspects of sex for both of you.Determining What Makes Sex Satisfying For YouYou can find out the most satisfying aspects of sex by creating your ladder. This is a scale that ranges from 1-10 and which is made by you. This is in direct opposition to other scales that are assembled with general descriptors, and which are usually only indirectly related to your personal makeup or what you look for in sex.Jessa talks about how to create your scale, though a blank template is available using the link below. There are then 3 columns for the self-anchored ladder: the low, middle, and high satisfaction details. And in as many words as you can, you define what would make your sexual satisfaction fall in the low, middle or high end of your scale.A good way of clarifying this and getting warmed up is to first think about your favorite meals or dining experiences. What constitutes or makes the most enjoyable experience for you personally? The low, middle, or high? And then after that warmup, do the same thing for sex!Pause the Recording!Make sure you fill out the low, middle, and high sections separate from your partner. There should be no conversations or discussions with them at this point, so you can each identify the variables that impact your satisfaction level.Now, look at what you filled in and search for patterns. Did you use similar words or phrases? Are there any shared themes across the different sections of the scale? Are you talking about the frequency of sex? Certain behaviors or activities? Emotional or relational aspects? An emphasis on orgasms?Just analyzing your inputs can help you understand the driving forces that equate to sexual satisfaction for you.Another Way to Examine Your ScaleA very important metric for determining your sexual satisfaction is your previous sexual history. Maybe you haven’t had a sexual encounter yet, or maybe you have very specific remembrances that drive your present satisfactions. The point is that your past can really inform your desires and evaluations.Looking towards the future is key, as well. As you glance over your scale, make sure you are considering how your self-anchored ladder applies to your future. This can also bring the limits of your imagination to the surface. If you are looking towards the future but have limiting doubts about whether you can achieve full sexual satisfaction, just recognizing those limiting thoughts can have a profound impact on your life.Also, are you more satisfied now then you have ever been? If not, what do you think has currently changed? And determining the amount of satisfaction you think you deserve is very important as well.Compare the Descriptors and the Ranking With Your PartnerYou may find in comparing your scales just how different you and your partner are. Some may focus more on orgasm and others on emotional aspects of sex. And coming together and collaborating can be an eye-opening experience where contrasts are revealed and adjustments are made that lead to truly...

My guest is Dr. Amy Gilliland, Ph.D., ADVCD/BDT(DONA), CSE (AASECT). She is a doula, an AASECT certified sexual educator, and her work has been extensively shared and published in many prestigious academic journals on the subject of sexuality and various aspects of childbirth.This episode largely deals with men (with female birthing partners) and the influences that childbirth and post-childbirth time periods can have, not just physically but psychologically as well.Sexual attraction and desire might actually diminish after watching their female partner give birth, relationship dynamics can change, and there are a myriad more things to consider from the male perspective as well.This talk spans a wide array of very important facets of the subject–all of which is driven by Dr. Amy’s expert insight.Inspirations and Influences for Amy’s Involvement in the WorkAmy says that she grew up in an environment that was largely women, so she never had a very concrete understanding of men.Due to her line of work, she was witness to this abrupt shift from men being absent from the delivery room to them all of a sudden becoming staples of labor support. This means that men were all of a sudden relied on to give steady labor support with no questions asked and no real training.So, as most males are wired to do, they are left with the difficult prospect of wanting to fix the pain of their spouse but are powerless to do so. That can weigh heavy on the hearts of most men. And not a lot of medical professionals have the time to ask crucial questions about how men are feeling during the delivery.Hormonal Differences in Sexes Pertaining to Childbirth ResponseAs Dr. Amy states, there are some markedly different aspects between the sexes regarding hormonal response to childbirth. So, not only are there anatomical differences, but also hormonal differences. A woman will experience a rush of oxytocin to combat stress or labor, whereas a male partner will not.Dr. Amy talks more about this during the episode. Listen in!The Support System Needs Support Too!When looking at the research, a lot of fathers respond very well to support from a doula. And support, in general, is good for lessening the chance and effects of PTSD that can accompany afterward.In addition, Dr. Amy says that the more men are involved in the decision-making process surrounding birth, the more likely they are going to feel like they have some sort of control. This lack of control, as well as lack of answers during the chaos of childbirth, can adversely affect the physiology (stress response) but also the psychology of the male (PTSD).The Challenges of Asking for HelpAs Amy says, the medical world is largely patriarchal. But this is not so in the birth realm, which is largely matriarchal. Some men are comfortable within more female spaces and others are not. And on top of this, having to ask for help within a female-dominant place can make some men feel uncomfortable, so within the delivery room, men can feel very powerless.And of course, this powerlessness can manifest itself with PTSD and similar experiences.The Brain’s Response to the Invasive Aspects of ChildbirthAs Dr. Amy says, we are supposed to act like cervical checks are normal proceedings for our brains to comprehend. But for a male, it can be a strange experience to see multiple cervical checks by multiple doctors, not to mention the other invasive medical procedures on top of this. The aftereffects, no matter how common the practice, can still be traumatic for men, even if not felt in the most concrete ways.The Importance of a DoulaBecause men often feel like they need to be a protective role during labor, a doula can be essential for calming down and explaining to the male everything that’s going on. So often, it boils...

My guest is Dr. Amy Gilliland, Ph.D., ADVCD/BDT(DONA), CSE (AASECT). She is a doula, an AASECT certified sexual educator, and her work has been extensively shared and published in many prestigious academic journals on the subject of sexuality and various aspects of childbirth.This episode largely deals with men (with female birthing partners) and the influences that childbirth and post-childbirth time periods can have, not just physically but psychologically as well.Sexual attraction and desire might actually diminish after watching their female partner give birth, relationship dynamics can change, and there are a myriad more things to consider from the male perspective as well.This talk spans a wide array of very important facets of the subject–all of which is driven by Dr. Amy’s expert insight.Inspirations and Influences for Amy’s Involvement in the WorkAmy says that she grew up in an environment that was largely women, so she never had a very concrete understanding of men.Due to her line of work, she was witness to this abrupt shift from men being absent from the delivery room to them all of a sudden becoming staples of labor support. This means that men were all of a sudden relied on to give steady labor support with no questions asked and no real training.So, as most males are wired to do, they are left with the difficult prospect of wanting to fix the pain of their spouse but are powerless to do so. That can weigh heavy on the hearts of most men. And not a lot of medical professionals have the time to ask crucial questions about how men are feeling during the delivery.Hormonal Differences in Sexes Pertaining to Childbirth ResponseAs Dr. Amy states, there are some markedly different aspects between the sexes regarding hormonal response to childbirth. So, not only are there anatomical differences, but also hormonal differences. A woman will experience a rush of oxytocin to combat stress or labor, whereas a male partner will not.Dr. Amy talks more about this during the episode. Listen in!The Support System Needs Support Too!When looking at the research, a lot of fathers respond very well to support from a doula. And support, in general, is good for lessening the chance and effects of PTSD that can accompany afterward.In addition, Dr. Amy says that the more men are involved in the decision-making process surrounding birth, the more likely they are going to feel like they have some sort of control. This lack of control, as well as lack of answers during the chaos of childbirth, can adversely affect the physiology (stress response) but also the psychology of the male (PTSD).The Challenges of Asking for HelpAs Amy says, the medical world is largely patriarchal. But this is not so in the birth realm, which is largely matriarchal. Some men are comfortable within more female spaces and others are not. And on top of this, having to ask for help within a female-dominant place can make some men feel uncomfortable, so within the delivery room, men can feel very powerless.And of course, this powerlessness can manifest itself with PTSD and similar experiences.The Brain’s Response to the Invasive Aspects of ChildbirthAs Dr. Amy says, we are supposed to act like cervical checks are normal proceedings for our brains to comprehend. But for a male, it can be a strange experience to see multiple cervical checks by multiple doctors, not to mention the other invasive medical procedures on top of this. The aftereffects, no matter how common the practice, can still be traumatic for men, even if not felt in the most concrete ways.The Importance of a DoulaBecause men often feel like they need to be a protective role during labor, a doula can be essential for calming down and explaining to the male everything that’s going on. So often, it boils...

An Intimacy that Includes Mind, Body, Heart, and SpiritMy guests are Tina Schermer Sellers and Kamara McAndrews, and together they are sharing the important work of Gina Odgen who passed away last year. Gina herself was a sexual educator and researcher who explored the intersection of sexuality and spirituality. From it came the 4-D wheel of mind, body, heart, and spirit. In this episode, Tina and Kamara share their expertise in the 4-D wheel and gives many examples of its transformational power.Tina Schermer, Ph.D. is a marriage and family therapist, the author of Sex, God, and the Conservative Church, as well as an award-winning speaker and the founder of the Northwest Institute on Intimacy.Kamara McAndrews LMFT, CST is a certified sex therapist, the director of programming at the 4-D Network, an expert in teaching and spearheading wheel programs, and studied personally with Dr. Ogden herself.Gina Odgen’s Life and MissionAs she is described during the episode, Gina was an amazing researcher in sexuality and devoted her life to her work. Her work began with studying women who were easily orgasmic, and it evolved into the connection between spirituality and sexuality. She also studied Native American spiritualism, which was the precursor for her developing the 4-D Network for Mind, Body, Heart, & Spirit.She was also one of the first researchers to ask these personalized sexual questions to such a large number of people. Her methodology was very narrative driven, and she noticed that the responses people were giving in their surveys all touched upon the 4 crucial aspects of the wheel model she pioneered.The 4-D WheelTo understand the 4-D wheel, we are told to imagine a square clock on the ground that has 4 separate quadrants: one for the mind, body, heart, and spirit.Both Tina and Kamara share just how versatile the wheel is, as well. It can be used for just about anything in your life. For instance, if you are stuck in any position, you can take objects that have certain representations and place them in quadrants. This works very well with couples’ therapy as well.And for those who have anxiety, it can function as a very powerful tool for handling it. This means you take an object that represents anxiety and move into the emotional quadrant or the mental quadrant. And then you take an object that represents the opposite of anxiety, like calm, and put it wherever you feel you need it most.This type of exercise is great for thinking about things from a creative perspective and for externalizing specific areas. Much more is said within the episode; don’t miss it!Sexually Specific Examples of the 4-D WheelTina said she’s had couples come in who were really stuck in their relationship. In one of these couples, there was trauma in the man’s life that had surfaced. They had seen 5 different therapists for addiction recovery, group work, and various individual counseling, and then they came to Tina.She did wheel work with this couple who had struggled for so long. They brought symbols with them about what it meant for each of them to move closer into intimacy with each other. And it was through the wheel work and the externalization and explanation of his struggles that led to an impactful realization between them. The female partner was able to see his trauma externalized, and it was eye-opening.Really awesome example and she says much more within the episode!Group Versus Individual Wheel WorkThere are a lot of differences between group and individual wheel work. One of these differences is that we all often feel isolated in our suffering. Even if we go to therapy, it can still be a very alienating experience sometimes. Group work, on the other hand, actually focuses on using triggers to get at the root of traumas and bring it out or externalize it. In the...

An Intimacy that Includes Mind, Body, Heart, and SpiritMy guests are Tina Schermer Sellers and Kamara McAndrews, and together they are sharing the important work of Gina Odgen who passed away last year. Gina herself was a sexual educator and researcher who explored the intersection of sexuality and spirituality. From it came the 4-D wheel of mind, body, heart, and spirit. In this episode, Tina and Kamara share their expertise in the 4-D wheel and gives many examples of its transformational power.Tina Schermer, Ph.D. is a marriage and family therapist, the author of Sex, God, and the Conservative Church, as well as an award-winning speaker and the founder of the Northwest Institute on Intimacy.Kamara McAndrews LMFT, CST is a certified sex therapist, the director of programming at the 4-D Network, an expert in teaching and spearheading wheel programs, and studied personally with Dr. Ogden herself.Gina Odgen’s Life and MissionAs she is described during the episode, Gina was an amazing researcher in sexuality and devoted her life to her work. Her work began with studying women who were easily orgasmic, and it evolved into the connection between spirituality and sexuality. She also studied Native American spiritualism, which was the precursor for her developing the 4-D Network for Mind, Body, Heart, & Spirit.She was also one of the first researchers to ask these personalized sexual questions to such a large number of people. Her methodology was very narrative driven, and she noticed that the responses people were giving in their surveys all touched upon the 4 crucial aspects of the wheel model she pioneered.The 4-D WheelTo understand the 4-D wheel, we are told to imagine a square clock on the ground that has 4 separate quadrants: one for the mind, body, heart, and spirit.Both Tina and Kamara share just how versatile the wheel is, as well. It can be used for just about anything in your life. For instance, if you are stuck in any position, you can take objects that have certain representations and place them in quadrants. This works very well with couples’ therapy as well.And for those who have anxiety, it can function as a very powerful tool for handling it. This means you take an object that represents anxiety and move into the emotional quadrant or the mental quadrant. And then you take an object that represents the opposite of anxiety, like calm, and put it wherever you feel you need it most.This type of exercise is great for thinking about things from a creative perspective and for externalizing specific areas. Much more is said within the episode; don’t miss it!Sexually Specific Examples of the 4-D WheelTina said she’s had couples come in who were really stuck in their relationship. In one of these couples, there was trauma in the man’s life that had surfaced. They had seen 5 different therapists for addiction recovery, group work, and various individual counseling, and then they came to Tina.She did wheel work with this couple who had struggled for so long. They brought symbols with them about what it meant for each of them to move closer into intimacy with each other. And it was through the wheel work and the externalization and explanation of his struggles that led to an impactful realization between them. The female partner was able to see his trauma externalized, and it was eye-opening.Really awesome example and she says much more within the episode!Group Versus Individual Wheel WorkThere are a lot of differences between group and individual wheel work. One of these differences is that we all often feel isolated in our suffering. Even if we go to therapy, it can still be a very alienating experience sometimes. Group work, on the other hand, actually focuses on using triggers to get at the root of traumas and bring it out or externalize it. In the...

My guest Shazia Imam works with women who are looking to access and unlock their deepest desires and power. She is very skilled at inspiring women to chase their desires once they have figured them out. Shazia does transformational life coaching, she worked as an engineer before shifting careers, and she has a great story to tell in this episode!.In this story, she talks about her incredible story of transformation: from living a life where she went through the motions and checked boxes off her list, to a life of deep fulfillment and intimacy, all because she chose to listen to her own desires and follow her own path.Shazia’s Desire to Curate a Perfect LifeShazia starts off this interview by stating that she grew up in a pretty normal household. She did extremely well in school as an engineer, and then she was hired at one of the most prestigious consulting firms in the world; but she soon started worrying about the next things to check off of her box, as she puts it.Soon she got married, became pregnant, but tragedy would strike as she lost the baby. She says that as a woman, losing a child is one of the most, if not the most, difficult things a woman can face.And then to add to the devastation, she was faced with yet another challenge that would continue to shift her mentality on “curating her perfect life.”Listen in for more.A Path Taken AloneWhen asked if Shazia had support from her family during this difficult time in her life, she says that she actually didn’t tell them the extent of her troubles. She believed it was important to take her path in life by herself.She tried everything she could to save her marriage, and it took years for the divorce process to be finalized. She kept the divorce from her parents until it was actually fulfilled. She said she was so worried about everyone else that she burdened the weight of these circumstances on her shoulders.Shazia admits that she even went homeless for a few months in order to hide the events in her life from everyone else.For more about this part of life, listen along.From Swimming Lessons to a SoulmateShazia realized that her self-esteem was at an all-time low. Her low sense of self-worth was getting in the way of her liberation from the exacting circumstances in her life.Putting her problem-solving skills to work, Shazia wrote a list of things that she wanted in her life. From her desired relationship to wanting to take swim lessons. This was liberating.But a bigger moment of liberation came when she finally stopped clenching her fist and let go of trying to fix her marriage. She said that an unexpected wave of freedom and relief came whenever she walked out of the door and stopped clenching her fist tight on the relationship.This started the long, exhilarating process of discovering facets of her personality that she didn’t really know was there: like her sensuality, sassiness, and joy.And on top of that, she manifested her soulmate.Start Small, Start SomewhereThe turning point in Shazia’s life was when she started doing things for herself. Once she got in touch with her desires and what she truly wanted, that was when she started manifesting things in her life in a positive way.Her advice is to start somewhere, 2-3 things. Even if all you want and need for the day is a hot shower, then take that shower!This will, of course, build into much more substantial desires and outcomes once you have sat with your thoughts and desires longer.Transparency Translates to Deeper Connection and IntimacyShazia says in her past marriage, she didn’t have the opportunity to be intimate. Her needs were not being met. But with her soulmate, her intimacy is on a whole other level, as he puts it.So, because Shazia is now the person...