Better Sex

Chronic Illness and Sex My guest is here to talk about chronic illness and how it relates to sex. Originally, there wasn’t a lot of information or resources on the subject, so to fulfill this pressing need, Dr. Lee Phillips made it a point to devote his time towards researching and alleviating some of the sexuality stressors of chronic illness. Lee has worked for more than 12 years as a psychotherapist; he is a licensed social worker, an educator, a sex therapist, and a prolific researcher in the sexuality realm. He brings a lot of experience and wisdom to this episode. Check it out! The Inspiration for his Book on Chronic Pain Lee says that he started a chronic pain management group through his work as a geriatric psychotherapist in Williamsburg, Virginia. This would lead to the inspiration for his subsequent work in understanding and mitigating the detrimental sexual effects of chronic illness. Shortly after, he was approached by a colleague and persuaded to get into sex therapy because of the impacts of chronic pain on sex and relationships. He knew he could do some good work in that facet of therapy. He also says that he was inspired to take his own research further because there wasn’t a lot of information out there on the topic of chronic illness and pain, and how it relates to sexuality. The Various Emotions That Can Accompany Chronic Illness in a Relationship Lee says that some couples go through ‘crisis mode’ whenever a partner is diagnosed, but overall the emotions and dynamics vary from person to person. He says that it’s typically a dynamic consisting of one ‘ill’ partner and the other healthy. Occasionally relationships can “open up” as the ill partner doesn’t feel adequate enough to pleasure their partner. But even more frequently, the healthy partner teams up and doesn’t act adversarial towards the illness, but instead looks for a way to manage it together. And sometimes there’s actually relief after diagnosis because it brings context to an otherwise mysterious ailment that hadn’t been understood. The Mental Aspects of Chronic Illness Lee says that the physical symptoms can be extreme for chronic illness, but they can also lead to severe mental health difficulties that should not be overlooked. A big part of his job is to try and alleviate the mental turmoil that can arise in dealing with an illness. When considering getting back into as healthy of a sex life as possible, he likes to take into account their sexual history and see what can be done about getting back to the same level of frequency and intimacy. This can be a good boost for overall mental health in a patient. Imago Dialogue for More Reconnection Between Partners He says he uses Imago dialogue therapy for his couples. One of the core principles of Imago is that we unconsciously pick partners based on the qualities of our caretakers through life. So, if there’s a lot of isolation, anger, fighting, or depression within a chronic illness relationship dynamic, he will use the Imago model as exercises to break through some of those issues. He says there is a sender and there is a receiver within this model. The basis of the practice is to have couples actively listen and repeat what is sent from the sender back to them. This builds the necessary rapport and reassures both partners that what they’re saying is being internalized and understood. The Importance of Seeing a Sex Therapist Lee encourages couples to see a sex therapist and make active strides for sexual reconnection. In addition, a sex therapist can help a couple figure out alternatives to the traditional way they’ve had sex. Because, after all, sex is so much more than just penetrative sex. There’s a whole spectrum, and a sex therapist can help...

Chronic Illness and Sex My guest is here to talk about chronic illness and how it relates to sex. Originally, there wasn’t a lot of information or resources on the subject, so to fulfill this pressing need, Dr. Lee Phillips made it a point to devote his time towards researching and alleviating some of the sexuality stressors of chronic illness. Lee has worked for more than 12 years as a psychotherapist; he is a licensed social worker, an educator, a sex therapist, and a prolific researcher in the sexuality realm. He brings a lot of experience and wisdom to this episode. Check it out! The Inspiration for his Book on Chronic Pain Lee says that he started a chronic pain management group through his work as a geriatric psychotherapist in Williamsburg, Virginia. This would lead to the inspiration for his subsequent work in understanding and mitigating the detrimental sexual effects of chronic illness. Shortly after, he was approached by a colleague and persuaded to get into sex therapy because of the impacts of chronic pain on sex and relationships. He knew he could do some good work in that facet of therapy. He also says that he was inspired to take his own research further because there wasn’t a lot of information out there on the topic of chronic illness and pain, and how it relates to sexuality. The Various Emotions That Can Accompany Chronic Illness in a Relationship Lee says that some couples go through ‘crisis mode’ whenever a partner is diagnosed, but overall the emotions and dynamics vary from person to person. He says that it’s typically a dynamic consisting of one ‘ill’ partner and the other healthy. Occasionally relationships can “open up” as the ill partner doesn’t feel adequate enough to pleasure their partner. But even more frequently, the healthy partner teams up and doesn’t act adversarial towards the illness, but instead looks for a way to manage it together. And sometimes there’s actually relief after diagnosis because it brings context to an otherwise mysterious ailment that hadn’t been understood. The Mental Aspects of Chronic Illness Lee says that the physical symptoms can be extreme for chronic illness, but they can also lead to severe mental health difficulties that should not be overlooked. A big part of his job is to try and alleviate the mental turmoil that can arise in dealing with an illness. When considering getting back into as healthy of a sex life as possible, he likes to take into account their sexual history and see what can be done about getting back to the same level of frequency and intimacy. This can be a good boost for overall mental health in a patient. Imago Dialogue for More Reconnection Between Partners He says he uses Imago dialogue therapy for his couples. One of the core principles of Imago is that we unconsciously pick partners based on the qualities of our caretakers through life. So, if there’s a lot of isolation, anger, fighting, or depression within a chronic illness relationship dynamic, he will use the Imago model as exercises to break through some of those issues. He says there is a sender and there is a receiver within this model. The basis of the practice is to have couples actively listen and repeat what is sent from the sender back to them. This builds the necessary rapport and reassures both partners that what they’re saying is being internalized and understood. The Importance of Seeing a Sex Therapist Lee encourages couples to see a sex therapist and make active strides for sexual reconnection. In addition, a sex therapist can help a couple figure out alternatives to the traditional way they’ve had sex. Because, after all, sex is so much more than just penetrative sex. There’s a whole spectrum, and a sex therapist can help...

My guest, whom I will call Matty, grew up in an orthodox Jewish family. In this personal story, she shares her unique perspective on her upbringing and how it has affected her life from sexuality to marriage and more. Within this episode, she shares a lot of the challenges of her religion, but also the beautiful aspects of her marriage that speak so profoundly to her sexuality and womanhood. This is a great educational opportunity for non-orthodox listeners and will only serve to widen the dialogue on sexuality as a whole. An important perspective from a great guest; listen along! The General Rules of Marriage for Orthodox Jews She prefaces this section by saying that she doesn’t want to offend anyone by her experience; there is variety in the way people practice Judaism. Matty says that growing up as an orthodox Jew meant there was no practice in intimacy with the opposite sex: no co-ed schools, no romantic affection in relationships, and no close contact until marriage. Matty says that while married (as is a rule for orthodox Jews) she was not allowed to touch her husband if she was menstruating. If she wanted to pass her car keys to her husband, she would have to put it down completely; she couldn’t do a hand-to-hand transfer. And once her period had ended, and she had waited 7 days, only then was she “pure” and could reunite with her husband in close physical contact again. This was a tough transition for her when she was first married as a young woman, but it also made the times they could be together that much more special and appreciated. This dynamic doesn’t mean that orthodox partners are not regularly communicating. Matty says that they offer counseling and really encourage married couples to communicate despite not embracing or having sex for (usually) 10-14 days a month. With that regular communication, the waiting periods are not as difficult. Support for Orthodox CouplesMatty says that she absolutely dreaded the time that she was away from her husband and couldn’t touch him. In those periods of time, they had to have separate beds. It was extremely hard, and they learned to really communicate and express the challenges to one another. Matty said it wasn’t that she missed the sex so much; she just missed the opportunity to be cuddled and touched, which is something we can often take for granted in any relationship. Restrictions in the Bedroom for Orthodox JewsMatty says that the general rule was ‘whatever pleases the woman’ in the bedroom. She says that the male has to ask permission, as well, before sex. She says that not all husbands follow the rule, but from a spiritual standpoint, the woman must be pleasured in the marriage. The Jewish belief system centers around celebrating the woman. For example, during the Jewish Sabbath (Shabbat), they start it off every week by singing songs that celebrate the matriarch of the family. Sex Therapy as a Last Resort in the Orthodox World? Matty says that not a lot of orthodox couples talk about their sex lives because it’s such a private thing. This doesn’t necessarily differ all that much from the non-orthodox world, either. But as Matty says, no one is openly discussing these things. She also says that a couple who seeks sex therapy or counseling would most likely do it as a last resort. This shares similarities with the non-orthodox world, too. The Sex Talk with her Children Matty stresses the importance of communicating to her children early and being open to questions that arise about sex. She says it’s extremely important to bring context to menstrual cycles and intercourse, and also emphasize the beautiful aspects of sexuality in general. She says the orthodox community differs in the amount of information it shares with children, but there has been a lot of books recently that points towards a shift in communication on...

My guest, whom I will call Matty, grew up in an orthodox Jewish family. In this personal story, she shares her unique perspective on her upbringing and how it has affected her life from sexuality to marriage and more. Within this episode, she shares a lot of the challenges of her religion, but also the beautiful aspects of her marriage that speak so profoundly to her sexuality and womanhood. This is a great educational opportunity for non-orthodox listeners and will only serve to widen the dialogue on sexuality as a whole. An important perspective from a great guest; listen along! The General Rules of Marriage for Orthodox Jews She prefaces this section by saying that she doesn’t want to offend anyone by her experience; there is variety in the way people practice Judaism. Matty says that growing up as an orthodox Jew meant there was no practice in intimacy with the opposite sex: no co-ed schools, no romantic affection in relationships, and no close contact until marriage. Matty says that while married (as is a rule for orthodox Jews) she was not allowed to touch her husband if she was menstruating. If she wanted to pass her car keys to her husband, she would have to put it down completely; she couldn’t do a hand-to-hand transfer. And once her period had ended, and she had waited 7 days, only then was she “pure” and could reunite with her husband in close physical contact again. This was a tough transition for her when she was first married as a young woman, but it also made the times they could be together that much more special and appreciated. This dynamic doesn’t mean that orthodox partners are not regularly communicating. Matty says that they offer counseling and really encourage married couples to communicate despite not embracing or having sex for (usually) 10-14 days a month. With that regular communication, the waiting periods are not as difficult. Support for Orthodox CouplesMatty says that she absolutely dreaded the time that she was away from her husband and couldn’t touch him. In those periods of time, they had to have separate beds. It was extremely hard, and they learned to really communicate and express the challenges to one another. Matty said it wasn’t that she missed the sex so much; she just missed the opportunity to be cuddled and touched, which is something we can often take for granted in any relationship. Restrictions in the Bedroom for Orthodox JewsMatty says that the general rule was ‘whatever pleases the woman’ in the bedroom. She says that the male has to ask permission, as well, before sex. She says that not all husbands follow the rule, but from a spiritual standpoint, the woman must be pleasured in the marriage. The Jewish belief system centers around celebrating the woman. For example, during the Jewish Sabbath (Shabbat), they start it off every week by singing songs that celebrate the matriarch of the family. Sex Therapy as a Last Resort in the Orthodox World? Matty says that not a lot of orthodox couples talk about their sex lives because it’s such a private thing. This doesn’t necessarily differ all that much from the non-orthodox world, either. But as Matty says, no one is openly discussing these things. She also says that a couple who seeks sex therapy or counseling would most likely do it as a last resort. This shares similarities with the non-orthodox world, too. The Sex Talk with her Children Matty stresses the importance of communicating to her children early and being open to questions that arise about sex. She says it’s extremely important to bring context to menstrual cycles and intercourse, and also emphasize the beautiful aspects of sexuality in general. She says the orthodox community differs in the amount of information it shares with children, but there has been a lot of books recently that points towards a shift in communication on...

My guest is Sherrie Palm, who is the founder and CEO of the Association for Pelvic Organ Prolapse Support. In addition, Sherrie wrote a great book called Pelvic Organ Prolapse: The Silent Epidemic that delves deeper into the subject of this episode: Pelvic Organ Prolapse or POP for short. Driven by Sherrie’s expertise and research on the subject, this talk demystifies the condition and shines a light on treatment options, causes, challenges, and ultimately the ways to manage the condition and live freely with it. Such an important episode that I am glad I have the opportunity to share with you. Enjoy! Pelvic Organ Prolapse and its Causes For those who are not aware of the condition, Pelvic Organ Prolapse (POP) is a condition where the pelvic floor muscles are weakened over time and cannot provide adequate support for the sexual organs atop the pelvic floor. There are 5 different types of P.O.P. as Sherrie states: it can affect your bladder, rectum, uterus, intestine, and colon. Sherrie also says that the most common cause of POP is childbirth. But it can also be caused by menopause because as estrogen is depleted within the body, muscles grow weaker and lose their supportive function throughout the body. In relation to this, heavy lifting can also cause POP. She says that women typically have more than one cause for developing POP. She goes into a lot of shocking facts and stats on the causes for POP within. Be sure to listen to that. The Most Common Symptoms of POP Sherrie says that feeling a bulge or tumor-like presence coming out of the vagina is a common symptom of POP. Additionally, urinary incontinence is a big indicator of developing the condition. Frequent constipation, pain during intercourse and lack of sexual sensation are also common indicators as well. “A Push for Patient Empowerment” Sherrie shares how many gynecologists are not looking for POP symptoms, and it can actually be hard for them to diagnose if they don’t know what they’re looking for the physical manifestations of the condition. Sherrie states that there are a lot of pushes for correct screening protocols, including a standing screening procedure because it’s easier to notice any prolapsed tissue from that position. She suggests taking a handheld mirror, standing, and then to examine yourself to see if there are any protruding tissue from your vagina. There are varying degrees of tissue bulge, and she says that any at all is a red flag. She goes into detail on surgical and non-surgical treatments for POP as well, which you should really take into consideration. What Will POP Mean for Sexual Function? Sherrie says that this condition significantly affects women, as they are usually sexually stigmatized by any vaginal tissue bulge. This can translate to a lack of desire and intimacy as body image issues arise. A whole cycle of sexual avoidance can occur if POP happens, even if it’s not a severe case. Again, responses are unique and can vary from partner to partner, but POP definitely increases the likelihood of sexual self-consciousness, as it can be an emotionally devastating medical condition. She also states that the incontinence and physical symptoms of the condition can lead to intimacy difficulties as they can be embarrassing for some. But Sherrie states that the biggest way of overcoming some of these struggles of the condition is to educate yourself about the condition itself. Once the fear of the unknown diminishes, you can become more comfortable with the condition and experiment with whatever positions and dynamics work best. You can also opt for surgical treatment as well, which can drastically improve symptoms. Key Links for Sherrie: For the homepage of the Association for Pelvic Organ Prolapse Support (explore for a...

My guest is Sherrie Palm, who is the founder and CEO of the Association for Pelvic Organ Prolapse Support. In addition, Sherrie wrote a great book called Pelvic Organ Prolapse: The Silent Epidemic that delves deeper into the subject of this episode: Pelvic Organ Prolapse or POP for short. Driven by Sherrie’s expertise and research on the subject, this talk demystifies the condition and shines a light on treatment options, causes, challenges, and ultimately the ways to manage the condition and live freely with it. Such an important episode that I am glad I have the opportunity to share with you. Enjoy! Pelvic Organ Prolapse and its Causes For those who are not aware of the condition, Pelvic Organ Prolapse (POP) is a condition where the pelvic floor muscles are weakened over time and cannot provide adequate support for the sexual organs atop the pelvic floor. There are 5 different types of P.O.P. as Sherrie states: it can affect your bladder, rectum, uterus, intestine, and colon. Sherrie also says that the most common cause of POP is childbirth. But it can also be caused by menopause because as estrogen is depleted within the body, muscles grow weaker and lose their supportive function throughout the body. In relation to this, heavy lifting can also cause POP. She says that women typically have more than one cause for developing POP. She goes into a lot of shocking facts and stats on the causes for POP within. Be sure to listen to that. The Most Common Symptoms of POP Sherrie says that feeling a bulge or tumor-like presence coming out of the vagina is a common symptom of POP. Additionally, urinary incontinence is a big indicator of developing the condition. Frequent constipation, pain during intercourse and lack of sexual sensation are also common indicators as well. “A Push for Patient Empowerment” Sherrie shares how many gynecologists are not looking for POP symptoms, and it can actually be hard for them to diagnose if they don’t know what they’re looking for the physical manifestations of the condition. Sherrie states that there are a lot of pushes for correct screening protocols, including a standing screening procedure because it’s easier to notice any prolapsed tissue from that position. She suggests taking a handheld mirror, standing, and then to examine yourself to see if there are any protruding tissue from your vagina. There are varying degrees of tissue bulge, and she says that any at all is a red flag. She goes into detail on surgical and non-surgical treatments for POP as well, which you should really take into consideration. What Will POP Mean for Sexual Function? Sherrie says that this condition significantly affects women, as they are usually sexually stigmatized by any vaginal tissue bulge. This can translate to a lack of desire and intimacy as body image issues arise. A whole cycle of sexual avoidance can occur if POP happens, even if it’s not a severe case. Again, responses are unique and can vary from partner to partner, but POP definitely increases the likelihood of sexual self-consciousness, as it can be an emotionally devastating medical condition. She also states that the incontinence and physical symptoms of the condition can lead to intimacy difficulties as they can be embarrassing for some. But Sherrie states that the biggest way of overcoming some of these struggles of the condition is to educate yourself about the condition itself. Once the fear of the unknown diminishes, you can become more comfortable with the condition and experiment with whatever positions and dynamics work best. You can also opt for surgical treatment as well, which can drastically improve symptoms. Key Links for Sherrie: For the homepage of the Association for Pelvic Organ Prolapse Support (explore for a...

My guest today is Jennifer Valli. She has been on the show before to share her expertise and we’re very fortunate to have her back! Jenifer has a PhD, has 26 years of clinical experience in psychiatry, and she is an experienced therapist an AASECT-certified sex therapist and educator. She is professional involved with many different publications including Men’s Fitness Magazine, and she did Post-Grad work in Sexual Health at the University of Michigan. This is just a few of her notable accomplishments and qualifications. Most applicable to this particular episode is her training in fetishes/paraphilias through Johns Hopkins University. Within this talk, she explores the complex world of fetishes, and how we should approach them, some theories on their starting points, as well as ways to normalize atypical arousal. What is Paraphilia? Jennifer says that “a paraphilia is when someone has an intense sexual arousal pattern to an atypical object or situation.” These are known as fetishes. While we used to consider these “abnormal,” we now see these arousal patterns as part of the spectrum of human experience. A couple common fetishes that Jennifer talks about are the cuckold fetish and the infantilism fetish. The cuckold fetish means that one partner derives pleasure from another person pleasuring their partner. It usually involves a male, and there is often a humiliation component to the act. This is different than a threesome, though. With cuckoldry, there is a voyeuristic component that is different than three individuals collaborating together in a threesome. The infantilism fetish consists of being treated as an infant during sexual encounters. This often involves wearing a diaper or drinking from bottles. Jennifer walks through a lot of different non-consenting paraphilias which are listed as a disorder in the DSM-5. The Importance of Sex Positivity for Those With Paraphilia As is discussed within the talk, the DSM has been shifting in a positive direction when it comes to paraphilia. This is important because it normalizes these desires and removes shame from the consensual fetishes – that are actually pretty common across the board. Where do Fetishes Start? As far as the origins of some fetishes, there are the rare cases that can be traced back to a particular moment. But she states that there is not a lot of consensus on why people develop fetishes. One of the theories is that because men have a higher incidence of paraphilia, that there are distinct moments, say around the age of 10, when they witness a taboo moment that is linked to an erotic arousal. And then as they masturbate, this serves as a biological reinforcement that is sort of mapped into the mind. Females are more likely to have sexual fluidity around arousal, and males are more linked to a kind of sexual imprinting. Listen along for a detailed 5-step breakdown of how assessments are made for fetishes. Legal Vs Non-Legal Assessment When talking about the assessment of fetishes, legality is a key thing that professionals like Jennifer are required to assess. If the fetish is legal, there will be efforts to normalize the behavior by minimizing any residual shame surrounding the paraphilia. If it is not legal, like pedophilia, she then looks to see if there is any distress around the urges. If there is no distress, that’s when the red flags are raised, and there’s a problem. Mistakes in Accommodating Paraphilia in a Relationship Jennifer says that a common mistake is in too much time and attention being spent on the partner with the fetish and not enough on the balance of the entire relationship. Another mistake is in trying to meet both partner’s needs in one night. Jennifer states that it’s...

My guest today is Jennifer Valli. She has been on the show before to share her expertise and we’re very fortunate to have her back! Jenifer has a PhD, has 26 years of clinical experience in psychiatry, and she is an experienced therapist an AASECT-certified sex therapist and educator. She is professional involved with many different publications including Men’s Fitness Magazine, and she did Post-Grad work in Sexual Health at the University of Michigan. This is just a few of her notable accomplishments and qualifications. Most applicable to this particular episode is her training in fetishes/paraphilias through Johns Hopkins University. Within this talk, she explores the complex world of fetishes, and how we should approach them, some theories on their starting points, as well as ways to normalize atypical arousal. What is Paraphilia? Jennifer says that “a paraphilia is when someone has an intense sexual arousal pattern to an atypical object or situation.” These are known as fetishes. While we used to consider these “abnormal,” we now see these arousal patterns as part of the spectrum of human experience. A couple common fetishes that Jennifer talks about are the cuckold fetish and the infantilism fetish. The cuckold fetish means that one partner derives pleasure from another person pleasuring their partner. It usually involves a male, and there is often a humiliation component to the act. This is different than a threesome, though. With cuckoldry, there is a voyeuristic component that is different than three individuals collaborating together in a threesome. The infantilism fetish consists of being treated as an infant during sexual encounters. This often involves wearing a diaper or drinking from bottles. Jennifer walks through a lot of different non-consenting paraphilias which are listed as a disorder in the DSM-5. The Importance of Sex Positivity for Those With Paraphilia As is discussed within the talk, the DSM has been shifting in a positive direction when it comes to paraphilia. This is important because it normalizes these desires and removes shame from the consensual fetishes – that are actually pretty common across the board. Where do Fetishes Start? As far as the origins of some fetishes, there are the rare cases that can be traced back to a particular moment. But she states that there is not a lot of consensus on why people develop fetishes. One of the theories is that because men have a higher incidence of paraphilia, that there are distinct moments, say around the age of 10, when they witness a taboo moment that is linked to an erotic arousal. And then as they masturbate, this serves as a biological reinforcement that is sort of mapped into the mind. Females are more likely to have sexual fluidity around arousal, and males are more linked to a kind of sexual imprinting. Listen along for a detailed 5-step breakdown of how assessments are made for fetishes. Legal Vs Non-Legal Assessment When talking about the assessment of fetishes, legality is a key thing that professionals like Jennifer are required to assess. If the fetish is legal, there will be efforts to normalize the behavior by minimizing any residual shame surrounding the paraphilia. If it is not legal, like pedophilia, she then looks to see if there is any distress around the urges. If there is no distress, that’s when the red flags are raised, and there’s a problem. Mistakes in Accommodating Paraphilia in a Relationship Jennifer says that a common mistake is in too much time and attention being spent on the partner with the fetish and not enough on the balance of the entire relationship. Another mistake is in trying to meet both partner’s needs in one night. Jennifer states that it’s...

My guest, Taylor Pierce, is a therapist at the Center for Couples & Sex Therapy in Portland, Oregon. She works closely with couples to explore issues in relationships and sexuality and really loves connecting and working with the LGBQT community and ethically non-monogamous dynamics. In this episode, in particular, she explains the ins and outs of jealousy and how we can avoid it by diving deeper into the root causes of our insecurities and fears. Really important, powerful stuff that Taylor does a great job demystifying! Her Interest in Jealousy Taylor says that she first gained an interest in jealousy because she likes working with people who are in ethically non-monogamous relationships, and jealousy can come up a lot within that relationship dynamic. But Taylor soon began peeling back the layers of the jealousy onion and realized that jealousy is a basic, universal trait of many types of relationships. This led her even farther into a specialized interest in the trait and she has a lot to share about the subject! Control Issues Because of Jealousy Often, if a partner becomes jealous, they can forbid the other from seeing another person out of insecurity or fear. For example, let’s say that a couple in a monogamous relationship develop some trust issues. It can be common for one of the people in that relationship to assert too much control over the other because of underlying insecurities. Taylor says it’s never a good thing to let the jealousy morph into controlling situations because it’s often a sign of avoiding communication about the deeper issues at play: insecurity and a lack of trust. Primary and Secondary Emotions To understand jealousy on a deeper level, Taylor says that you can frame it through primary and secondary emotions. Primary emotions are your gut reactions. They are the most vulnerable and tend to act as defense mechanisms. They are also full of fear and display any insecurities that may have been circulating inside of you. Secondary emotions are reactions to those primary emotions, which in turn add to the complexity of the overall emotional reaction. Jealousy is a secondary emotion; it may arise after feeling angry, sad or hurt when your partner is flirting with someone else. Steps for De-escalating Jealousy Taylor reminds you to first be self-understanding because jealousy is a pretty common emotion to have. Almost everyone has felt jealous in a relationship before–if not now, then probably in the future. She says self-awareness of emotions or deeper core issues at play– like a fear of abandonment–can help mitigate the overall intensity and longevity of your jealousy. Taylor also encourages you to ask yourself questions to investigate the surrounding thoughts around your feelings of jealousy. And if you start having that regular dialogue with yourself, you’ll find that you come to the root cause of your jealousy and can often move past it. Identify What You Need to Feel Safe After you have identified what emotions or deeper insecurities are at play in your jealousy, Taylor encourages you to make a list for achieving a safe solution to your jealousy. She states that the list should be a balance between the work you do yourself and your partner could provide for you–for example, reassurance that you are not going to be abandoned. Create Self-Care Rituals Taylor says that creating a self-care ritual can really help if you’re struggling with jealousy. So often the main cause of jealousy is a feeling of inadequacy and insecurity, so reminding yourself just how strong you are, as well as empowering yourself with positivity, is never a waste of time! Negative Reactions to Jealousy Taylor says that shaming yourself for feeling jealous will only make you stuck in jealousy even...

My guest, Taylor Pierce, is a therapist at the Center for Couples & Sex Therapy in Portland, Oregon. She works closely with couples to explore issues in relationships and sexuality and really loves connecting and working with the LGBQT community and ethically non-monogamous dynamics. In this episode, in particular, she explains the ins and outs of jealousy and how we can avoid it by diving deeper into the root causes of our insecurities and fears. Really important, powerful stuff that Taylor does a great job demystifying! Her Interest in Jealousy Taylor says that she first gained an interest in jealousy because she likes working with people who are in ethically non-monogamous relationships, and jealousy can come up a lot within that relationship dynamic. But Taylor soon began peeling back the layers of the jealousy onion and realized that jealousy is a basic, universal trait of many types of relationships. This led her even farther into a specialized interest in the trait and she has a lot to share about the subject! Control Issues Because of Jealousy Often, if a partner becomes jealous, they can forbid the other from seeing another person out of insecurity or fear. For example, let’s say that a couple in a monogamous relationship develop some trust issues. It can be common for one of the people in that relationship to assert too much control over the other because of underlying insecurities. Taylor says it’s never a good thing to let the jealousy morph into controlling situations because it’s often a sign of avoiding communication about the deeper issues at play: insecurity and a lack of trust. Primary and Secondary Emotions To understand jealousy on a deeper level, Taylor says that you can frame it through primary and secondary emotions. Primary emotions are your gut reactions. They are the most vulnerable and tend to act as defense mechanisms. They are also full of fear and display any insecurities that may have been circulating inside of you. Secondary emotions are reactions to those primary emotions, which in turn add to the complexity of the overall emotional reaction. Jealousy is a secondary emotion; it may arise after feeling angry, sad or hurt when your partner is flirting with someone else. Steps for De-escalating Jealousy Taylor reminds you to first be self-understanding because jealousy is a pretty common emotion to have. Almost everyone has felt jealous in a relationship before–if not now, then probably in the future. She says self-awareness of emotions or deeper core issues at play– like a fear of abandonment–can help mitigate the overall intensity and longevity of your jealousy. Taylor also encourages you to ask yourself questions to investigate the surrounding thoughts around your feelings of jealousy. And if you start having that regular dialogue with yourself, you’ll find that you come to the root cause of your jealousy and can often move past it. Identify What You Need to Feel Safe After you have identified what emotions or deeper insecurities are at play in your jealousy, Taylor encourages you to make a list for achieving a safe solution to your jealousy. She states that the list should be a balance between the work you do yourself and your partner could provide for you–for example, reassurance that you are not going to be abandoned. Create Self-Care Rituals Taylor says that creating a self-care ritual can really help if you’re struggling with jealousy. So often the main cause of jealousy is a feeling of inadequacy and insecurity, so reminding yourself just how strong you are, as well as empowering yourself with positivity, is never a waste of time! Negative Reactions to Jealousy Taylor says that shaming yourself for feeling jealous will only make you stuck in jealousy even...

My guest is a repeat guest, which is a first for the Better Sex Podcast! His name is Matthias Rose and he is a Tantric teacher and healer. Matthias operates his practice out of Seattle and loves to connect couples through the power of Tantra. In this episode though, he explores the power of “ejaculatory choice”. This is the concept that men can be in control of their ejaculation and learn to orgasm without ejaculation. By riding what he calls orgasmic waves, men can slow down their experiences, ramp up their connection and intimacy with their partner, and overall just let go and experience sex in a healthy, care-free, powerful way. Listen in for much more on this powerful practice. The Benefits of ‘Ejaculatory Choice’ Matthias says that rewording the phrase “ejaculatory control” to “ejaculatory choice” is a much more accurate and healthy representation for men. The benefits are many, and can extend to covering premature and retarded ejaculation. Ejaculatory choice is also beneficial for those with erectile dysfunction. The Difference Between Ejaculation and Orgasm Matthias says that when he is paying attention to internal experiences, arousal, and physical stimuli, the act of ejaculation doesn’t necessarily coincide with orgasm. Usually, orgasm and ejaculation happen close together, but they are not the same thing. And so, as he states, you can have the orgasmic experiences without ejaculation. Because they are separate, you can practice ejaculatory choice and forego ejaculation to experience the waves and sensations of orgasm. Multiple Orgasms and Greater Intimacy Apart from being able to separate ejaculation and orgasm and thus achieve multiple orgasms with practice, ejaculatory choice also means greater intimacy with your partner. It can lead to an exploration and a ‘playing’ in orgasmic waves that naturally stokes the embers of passion. And overall, being present and thoughtful and fully engaged with your ejaculation choice leads to more thoughtful, intimate sex. He says that once sex is approached from a more open-ended way, there is greater potential for felt connection and overall better sex. Ejaculation Obstacles and Techniques for Resolution Matthias says that rapid ejaculation is more common than delayed ejaculation. He says that his approach is to let go of the ‘why’ when talking about ejacluation. His approach is less analytical and more practical in the sense that he introduces techniques for resolving the ejaculatory issue. He says that getting rid of the usual anxious thoughts and distractions is key. He also tries to bring conscious attention to the physical sensations. And within that consciousness comes a shifting of the body’s automatic path to climaxing. The Power of Breathing Mathias says that deep, calming breaths are important for curbing the urge to ejaculate. You can self-regulate in this way if you are feeling the intensity ramp up. He also says that you look at breathing as a way of moving energy away from the penis and upwards into the body, this can give you a lot more control over your ejaculation. This practice de-escalates the need to ejaculate and makes for more pleasurable sex. It is also directly applicable to females as well. This breathing technique opens the door for more relaxation, which by extension leads to better sex. This is diametrically opposed to the tensing and clenching techniques often used to delay ejaculation, which leads to loss of energy and doesn’t give the benefits of ejaculation control. As he says, most men who practice slowing down and doing the deep breathing find that after the initial climax builds and the male successfully slows down and avoids ejaculation, the brain understands that you are not wanting to ejaculate. Most men report having a few more minutes of...

My guest is a repeat guest, which is a first for the Better Sex Podcast! His name is Matthias Rose and he is a Tantric teacher and healer. Matthias operates his practice out of Seattle and loves to connect couples through the power of Tantra. In this episode though, he explores the power of “ejaculatory choice”. This is the concept that men can be in control of their ejaculation and learn to orgasm without ejaculation. By riding what he calls orgasmic waves, men can slow down their experiences, ramp up their connection and intimacy with their partner, and overall just let go and experience sex in a healthy, care-free, powerful way. Listen in for much more on this powerful practice. The Benefits of ‘Ejaculatory Choice’ Matthias says that rewording the phrase “ejaculatory control” to “ejaculatory choice” is a much more accurate and healthy representation for men. The benefits are many, and can extend to covering premature and retarded ejaculation. Ejaculatory choice is also beneficial for those with erectile dysfunction. The Difference Between Ejaculation and Orgasm Matthias says that when he is paying attention to internal experiences, arousal, and physical stimuli, the act of ejaculation doesn’t necessarily coincide with orgasm. Usually, orgasm and ejaculation happen close together, but they are not the same thing. And so, as he states, you can have the orgasmic experiences without ejaculation. Because they are separate, you can practice ejaculatory choice and forego ejaculation to experience the waves and sensations of orgasm. Multiple Orgasms and Greater Intimacy Apart from being able to separate ejaculation and orgasm and thus achieve multiple orgasms with practice, ejaculatory choice also means greater intimacy with your partner. It can lead to an exploration and a ‘playing’ in orgasmic waves that naturally stokes the embers of passion. And overall, being present and thoughtful and fully engaged with your ejaculation choice leads to more thoughtful, intimate sex. He says that once sex is approached from a more open-ended way, there is greater potential for felt connection and overall better sex. Ejaculation Obstacles and Techniques for Resolution Matthias says that rapid ejaculation is more common than delayed ejaculation. He says that his approach is to let go of the ‘why’ when talking about ejacluation. His approach is less analytical and more practical in the sense that he introduces techniques for resolving the ejaculatory issue. He says that getting rid of the usual anxious thoughts and distractions is key. He also tries to bring conscious attention to the physical sensations. And within that consciousness comes a shifting of the body’s automatic path to climaxing. The Power of Breathing Mathias says that deep, calming breaths are important for curbing the urge to ejaculate. You can self-regulate in this way if you are feeling the intensity ramp up. He also says that you look at breathing as a way of moving energy away from the penis and upwards into the body, this can give you a lot more control over your ejaculation. This practice de-escalates the need to ejaculate and makes for more pleasurable sex. It is also directly applicable to females as well. This breathing technique opens the door for more relaxation, which by extension leads to better sex. This is diametrically opposed to the tensing and clenching techniques often used to delay ejaculation, which leads to loss of energy and doesn’t give the benefits of ejaculation control. As he says, most men who practice slowing down and doing the deep breathing find that after the initial climax builds and the male successfully slows down and avoids ejaculation, the brain understands that you are not wanting to ejaculate. Most men report having a few more minutes of...

Happily Ever After is a Fairy Tale My guest today is Kara Haug. She is the creator of Grace Unbound and is a practicing sex educator with a B.A. in Psychology and a Masters in Theological Studies, as well as a certificate in Sexual Health Education from the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor. Her role mainly centers on teaching youth about shameless sexuality. She does a lot of workshops and is doing important work shifting the narrative on sexuality. And in this episode, she talks about the fairytale misconceptions that all women often face in their daily lives. Because there are cultural reinforcements that peg a certain brand of story for women, many are going into marriages and motherhood with inflated expectations, only to find that things are much more challenging than they originally thought they would be. This episode explores this topic and offers some solutions for women who are struggling. Listen along. The Biggest Misconception that Women Have About Sex and Sexuality Kara says that women have been given the misconception from a young age of this giant fairy tale image that bundles romance and partnership. And she says that as reach adulthood we are hit with the reality that “the chemicals in our brain have expiration dates”. In short, women are often fed the story that romance is going to be the easiest thing in the world. It’s just a matter of finding the right partner and living happily ever after, but the reality of it is much different. Romantic partnerships are a lot of work. The ‘Goal’ of Motherhood and Long-Term Partnerships Kara also talks about the goals that women are meant to aspire to–the script they are given about motherhood and long-term partnerships–never really factor in the tough moments after the wedding or birth. No one really prepares women for how difficult the whole dynamic is going to be – especially if you are juggling a career, kids, and a complicated relationship. Your marriage and children won’t unlock an infinite wellspring of energy and motivation from within you. Most of the time it’s going to be hard, and it will be far from the fairy tale expectations that we see perpetuated in society. Struggles With Sexuality as a Women There are still considerable struggles for women to claim their desire and exist comfortably in the open while at the same time claiming their sexual yearnings. Younger women are still being labeled as ‘sluts’ in schools if they explore their sexuality, so there’s still an uphill climb that doesn’t usually end until adulthood…and sometimes never at all. The Biggest Threat to Marriages? Kara thinks that because of how involved marriage (and motherhood) can be, the biggest threat to marriages is when two partners shift their dynamic from romantic lovers to a business partner type of relationship. And identities get lost amidst all of the chaos. Kara says that prioritizing our identities as romantic partners is the most important thing. She also suggests regular conversations as a way to switch off the autopilot and reclaim your identity – despite the busy, daily happenings of adulthood. She says that even if it’s just a date night every week, or sitting down and having a conversation about sexual or other relationship needs every month. That practice can save marriages from turning into business partnerships. The Hardest Part for Kara Kara said that she had past traumas resurface while she was breastfeeding her child. She states that many women also experience these traumas around their bodies when they become mothers. She says more on the subject. Listen along! There’s Nothing Wrong With You! Being in a relationship is extremely challenging. Add motherhood and the constant stress of raising a family and you’ll hardly have any free time to spare. Just because you are struggling...

Happily Ever After is a Fairy Tale My guest today is Kara Haug. She is the creator of Grace Unbound and is a practicing sex educator with a B.A. in Psychology and a Masters in Theological Studies, as well as a certificate in Sexual Health Education from the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor. Her role mainly centers on teaching youth about shameless sexuality. She does a lot of workshops and is doing important work shifting the narrative on sexuality. And in this episode, she talks about the fairytale misconceptions that all women often face in their daily lives. Because there are cultural reinforcements that peg a certain brand of story for women, many are going into marriages and motherhood with inflated expectations, only to find that things are much more challenging than they originally thought they would be. This episode explores this topic and offers some solutions for women who are struggling. Listen along. The Biggest Misconception that Women Have About Sex and Sexuality Kara says that women have been given the misconception from a young age of this giant fairy tale image that bundles romance and partnership. And she says that as reach adulthood we are hit with the reality that “the chemicals in our brain have expiration dates”. In short, women are often fed the story that romance is going to be the easiest thing in the world. It’s just a matter of finding the right partner and living happily ever after, but the reality of it is much different. Romantic partnerships are a lot of work. The ‘Goal’ of Motherhood and Long-Term Partnerships Kara also talks about the goals that women are meant to aspire to–the script they are given about motherhood and long-term partnerships–never really factor in the tough moments after the wedding or birth. No one really prepares women for how difficult the whole dynamic is going to be – especially if you are juggling a career, kids, and a complicated relationship. Your marriage and children won’t unlock an infinite wellspring of energy and motivation from within you. Most of the time it’s going to be hard, and it will be far from the fairy tale expectations that we see perpetuated in society. Struggles With Sexuality as a Women There are still considerable struggles for women to claim their desire and exist comfortably in the open while at the same time claiming their sexual yearnings. Younger women are still being labeled as ‘sluts’ in schools if they explore their sexuality, so there’s still an uphill climb that doesn’t usually end until adulthood…and sometimes never at all. The Biggest Threat to Marriages? Kara thinks that because of how involved marriage (and motherhood) can be, the biggest threat to marriages is when two partners shift their dynamic from romantic lovers to a business partner type of relationship. And identities get lost amidst all of the chaos. Kara says that prioritizing our identities as romantic partners is the most important thing. She also suggests regular conversations as a way to switch off the autopilot and reclaim your identity – despite the busy, daily happenings of adulthood. She says that even if it’s just a date night every week, or sitting down and having a conversation about sexual or other relationship needs every month. That practice can save marriages from turning into business partnerships. The Hardest Part for Kara Kara said that she had past traumas resurface while she was breastfeeding her child. She states that many women also experience these traumas around their bodies when they become mothers. She says more on the subject. Listen along! There’s Nothing Wrong With You! Being in a relationship is extremely challenging. Add motherhood and the constant stress of raising a family and you’ll hardly have any free time to spare. Just because you are struggling...

My guest Susan Bratton has been called a ‘trusted hot sex advisor for millions’. She is a sex technique publisher, a celebrated speaker, educator, CEO and Co-Founder of Personal Life Media, and the list goes on and on about her qualifications and amazing qualities. In this episode, in particular, she shares her experience with sexual vitality and the summit she is spearheading in September (September 23-29, 2019). Within this talk, she also shares some insights into intimacy issues and basic remedies for those disconnects between couples of all dynamics. Really useful, informative stuff. And I’d recommend that you check out the many resources that Susan has put out there! How She Got So Passionate About Her Career Susan got her start as a publisher for sex techniques. She was inspired to continue pursuing this avenue because she started to see much more pornography than actual positive tips for more satisfying, engaging sex. In addition, she and her husband were taking workshops and tantric classes trying to ensure that their sex life was healthy and fully engaging. In that process, she reinforced her passion for sex and helping others find great sex. She and her husband actually started their company once they had learned enough to reinvigorate their sex life. Roadblocks for Intimacy and Their Solutions Susan says that after asking and having people fill out surveys, there were hundreds of different answers towards intimacy problems. About 15% of them were related to trauma; others were the products of physical hurdles: from diabetes and heart disease to painful sex for women and erectile dysfunction for men. When approaching how she would address this wide array of intimacy issues, she came to the logical conclusion that a Sexual Vitality Summit with a diverse panel of experts was the way to cover all bases. And then she also came up with the Magic Pill Method to spark a dialogue between people and get them to open up about their intimacy troubles. The Life Stages of Sexuality During the talk, the subject of age-specific intimacy issues came up. And usually the younger couples struggle with a lack of information and experience, and they aren’t communicating as openly as they should be on the subject. Middle age is usually more varied when it comes to intimacy problems: with children, careers, neglect, complacency, and physical issues being responsible. And as Susan reminds us, sex can just keep getting better and better. In fact, most 60-year olds are probably having the best sex they’ve ever had because of the experience levels and the acceptance of old age. There comes a point where sexual self-consciousness and intimacy issues are replaced with more grounded sex. Couples Heal Each Other Susan states that most healing work is done together with your partner. It’s a very involved process that incorporates not just yourself but your partner(s) as well. She also says that it can be challenging to connect with a partner who has been programmed (so to speak) through cultural means that sex has a linear function. Susan states that younger couples are less prone to these fixed behaviors and mindsets derived from environmental and familial factors. This is very common and applicable to LGTBTQ dynamics as well. How Your Gut Microbiome Affects Your Intimacy Susan states that the foods we ingest, the water we drink, the cleaning products we use, lotions we rub on our skin, and much more, all affect our gut microbiome. And after all, our gut is closely correlated with our libido. Physical vitality is inextricably linked with gut health, which really is an overall precursor to a healthy body. So probiotics and an emphasis on better nutrition really is essential for better sex.