Limited Appeal

This week, at long last, another much-anticipated Urban legend. Did you know that dildos were discovered by accident? Back in the 1940's people used to…, actually maybe it's best if you just listen, since I can't bring myself to type it all out. A few keywords should be sufficient to give you a picture anyway: celery branches, some guy called Dilbert, chicken wings, and cleaning the inside of one's anus. You may be asking yourself how we could possibly tidy up the episode after such a brilliant beginning, but if so you're being rather presumptuous. We're not big on cleaning up. Instead, we narrowly fail to scar Warren's retina during an attempted googlewhack exercise, and narrowly fail to rickroll you, our listeners. If the song gets in your head now, it's not entirely our fault. It's the same as with anything! Email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings.

We begin this episode in Pooh Corner, where we try to answer the following question posed to Warren by a fortune cookie: how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? You may think you know the answer, but our discussion should make you think twice, as we vacillate between rather determined answers of "a bit", "not at all", and even a rather persuasive "maybe it would even get shallower without sponges". And if you think you've got sponges cased, how about lobsters? It turns out this is a really complex question. In the end we settle on a satisfyingly vague set of two solutions: either "maybe," or "it depends". So now you know. If you have a similarly vexing fortune cookie riddle, let us know by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net) – we're always happy to solve our listener's problems. Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings.

After seeing a documentary on the Discovery Civilization channel that recounted the sinking of the Titanic from the iceberg's perspective, in this week's edition of Name 5 Things, Warren asks us to name 5 other stories that would benefit from similar treatment. We spend a bit of time going over the details of the iceberg's perspective, which is tricky since the iceberg had no voice, and there may have been a fair amount of speculation on the part of the Discovery folks. We eventually suggest a few events that might be similarly lame, which is maybe good enough to wrap up an episode, or if not, it's at least as good as Spiderman. If you disagree, send us email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings.

After some trash talking with Richard Simmons, Warren opens a Foody Goody segment by asking the rest of us about sitcom errors in classifying fruits and vegetables. This discussion necessarily involves mentioning the reproductive organs of plants, and you can probably guess what that leads to. Yes, you're right: Warrant. Anyway, who knew the politics/taxation policy of vegetables were so complex?! You did? Oh. Well who invited you, Mr Law Talking Man? Asshole. Anyway, if you're still listening, which I doubt, see if you can follow our triangle of strawberries analogy, which I also doubt. Whatever. Email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings.

URL: www.limitedappeal.net. After dropping some new tunes to start season 5 (how exciting), we diagnose Luc's elbow in "Your Body and You". If you've heard our show before, and for some strange reason you're still listening, you'll know that our medical advice should really never be taken seriously, but play along anyway. Can you guess which of the following is not in our list of recommended treatments? A) Amputation; B) Rest; C) Ice; D) Reacharound; E) Moisturizer; F) Burning. Winner gets a reacharound – just email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net) to arrange collection of your prize at a time and place that is convenient for both you and John. And if YOU have any medical concerns or questions, please pass them along! If you're quick, you might get this for free, just this once. Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings.

We begin by trying to decide whether it's a good idea or a bad idea for a transport company to use the slogan, "If it's on time, it's a fluke". Turns out you can interpret this in many ways, but don't get all crazy and start denying antecedents, now. We don't go in for logical fallacies. Can you name one important way that trucks are like flatworms? No, that's not it. Nope, wrong again. Don't you know anything about mouth/anuses? Ah, well, if it's any consolation (and it shouldn't be), you're not alone. And you could always try to top John in the dumb-stakes by emailing us with YOUR genetics question (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Did you know that CTV is planning to remake every episode of The Littlest Hobo, but this time, a man plays the dog character? Or maybe you've never even heard about The Littlest Hobo? You really should stay in more. Anyway, if you found the old series a bit far-fetched, wait for the new one, which will be "edgy" and "fresh"! Meanwhile, listen as John reveals his confidential stories about how he made summer partner by being Mr. Gropey. He also tells us about a particularly exciting employment dispute he had to summarize: loads of emails and other fascinating shit, along with a bit of dry stuff. Hard to imagine such a roller-coaster life, enh? Maybe tomorrow, we'll want to settle down, but until tomorrow, send us an email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. URL: http://www.limitedappeal.net

Have you heard about the Hadron Collider? Not the same as the hard-on collider, which is a different thing, I think. Anyway, if you've not heard of the first, maybe that's because people in the future are trying to stop you from hearing about it. It's as if someone is going back in time to save the universe from a massive cosmic traffic accident. (They're presumably perfectly OK with you learning about hard-on colliders.) Or maybe the workmen are just enjoying some cheesecake. Maybe you should do the same, instead of going jogging. Or send us an email instead (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). And whatever you do, keep on trucking! Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. URL: http://www.limitedappeal.net

Is no sad – is part of life! This year you get a brand new Tedmas episode, which is surprising given our recent lack of podcast productivity. You're welcome! We begin with a festive edition of Name 5 Things, in which Warren asks us to name five foods that should become part of the traditional holiday menu. How would YOU modify candy canes? Think carefully now, because if you consider it properly we’re confident you'll agree with T-bone's suggestion. There's not even any mustard involved! Sadly, T-bone doesn't know how to shape things into a candy cane, so if you've got any food engineering skillz, contact us by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Finally, some questions to keep you pondering until the New Year: Why are there no corn nog flavoured pudding pops? Why can't Ukrainians count to 12? Are women scared of nipples? Should T-bone stop wearing transparent pants? Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. URL: http://www.limitedappeal.net

Don't ever do a segment, and then stop doing it, if it's possible that we might have had that idea, should we have had a video format. Got it?! Glad we cleared that up. Maybe you can return the favour and clear up our confusion about the phrase, "If it's 130 yards, it's a foot!" What the hell does that mean? We discuss this for quite some time, but since we have even less of a clue than usual, it's mostless pointless. John does get humourously annoyed about George Costanza, though, so it's not a total waste of time. Let us know what you think of Paul Schaeffer by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We hope you're enjoying your sippets. We begin this week with Foody Goody, in which Luc explains that there's no such thing as Swiss cheese. If you think you've had some, you're deluding yourself. Yes, you are! Anyway, while your mind is still blown, consider this: we didn't start the fire. It was always burning. Did you know that in many French-speaking communities, French toast is called "pain perdu", which means, loosely, bread that was too proud to ask for directions? It's true. No matter what you call it, we hope you enjoy your Hungarian furry bread. If you want to tell us how many sippets you have, and whether they are inflamed, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Warren begins this episode with a particularly challenging edition of "Name 5 Things", asking us to name 5 statements matching the formula "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." First a negative, then a reflexive affirmative. Sounds tough! Until John points out that there's no criterion asserting that the statement makes sense. Brace yourself for some surprising insights on the interrelationships between cheese and mice, some fairly careless agreement between subject and verb, some very crunchy toast, and a few statements that are highly unlikely to become popular. If you can think of any statements that are better than ours (it shouldn't be difficult), please let us know by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. URL: http://www.limitedappeal.net

How does this show affect our chances at a political career? Well, it doesn't help. Although I suppose we could run and lose. Or would that mean we weren't politicians? Does it matter whether you get paid to run a marathon? This is rather confusing, and to be honest, I'm not sure our podcast helps. What did you expect? Anyway, we bet you've all been wondering about CENSORED and his injured CENSORED, yes? No? Whatever. If you can give us a status update on your dickishness, send us an email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. URL: http://www.limitedappeal.net

We begin by describing what Fife is: it's a kingdom just North of the Firth of Fife. We're not making this up. How do you become a king, anyway? If you've been just waiting around for a leader, and are happy for one of us to rule as a king, let us know by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Anyway, in Sportage, Luc describes his outing on something called a chainwalk in Fife, and how it made him late for the recording because he was waiting for fish. It's a long and complicated story, and as always, it's improved by Google Images. This time, play along and we promise not to burn your eyes with disgusting images, if only because we get distracted by Warren's misuse of language. Finally, why is night vision green? Brace yourself for our answer. Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We begin this episode with another Nature Walk, in which Warren asks us to guess what animals contributed to some unusual hybrid mammal names. Could you tell a horse from a zebra or other zebroid based only on shape? If you can, let us know by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net) so we can ridicule you specifically. Then in an unusually contested Foody Goody segment, Luc explains the usage of the word pudding in Britain. The real confusion strikes when Warren asks about cheese options after meals. We discuss different parts of the cheese, the etiquette involved in eating them, and the many possible dinner arrangements involving post-main course cheesy comestibles. Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.