Parenting On Purpose

Choose To Love Like God Loves Ephesians 5 does a great job telling us how we need to love each other. It tells us to love like God loves. God loves us, not because we are lovable, but because it is His nature. How does He love us? He loves us unconditionally, not expecting to get anything back, and He loves sacrificially. He has no expectation that we will be able to do anything to earn His love. This is a high calling that God has called us to! We need to learn to love our spouses unconditionally. We love a baby unconditionally, there is nothing a baby can do to earn a parents love. We expect nothing back from them. We simply love them because they are ours. That is how we need to love our spouse. If we have the wrong focus of expectation we miss everything. What we should have expectations of is our own behavior. We must have expectations of how we need to respond to our spouse and how we need to love our spouse. Love unconditionally, without expectation and sacrificially giving all of yourself just as Christ did. Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on expectations in marriage

What Do I Do With My Expectations? Everyone needs to take a moment to evaluate their own marital expectations. We need to ask ourselves a few questions. What do I expect of my spouse? Are these expectations fair? How am I imposing these expectations on him/her? One way to find this out is to ask your spouse. You may even want to ask “what expectations do you feel I have that are not realistic?” The next step in the process is to find out what our spouses expectations are. We can make the choice here to become other oriented. Are there any of your spouses expectations that you can meet? Finally, we must make the choice to relinquish our unfair or unrealistic expectations. We need to realize that if we are constantly trying to change or mold our spouse to our personal expectations, we will never really get to know who our spouse could be. Remember that God intentionally puts two different people together for the purpose of bringing them together as one flesh. Listen to today’s podcast for more on this topic.

Expectations Can Cause Great Harm We need to keep in mind that unrealistic, undiscussed expectations can and will cause great harm to the marriage relationship. Our expectations tend to reveal what we expect to get out of the relationship. The problem is as we said, the expectations we hold are very unrealistic and no one could live up to them. We need to keep in mind that when our spouse doesn’t live up to our expectations it is not their fault but ours. We must allow for real life. It’s not that we can’t have a “happily ever after” its just that we may need to adjust our thinking. We may have gone into marriage with the unconscious thought of having someone there to always meet our needs. The problem is that it is impossible for one person to meet our needs. The only one who can meet those needs is our Heavenly Father. So our focus shift needs to be how do I make my marriage and spouse my number one ministry. How do I focus on serving my spouse rather then the focus of my expectations being met? Listen to today’s podcast for more on today’s topic.

Common Areas Of Expectation Problems There are several areas where our expectations can create problems. The first is expectations with in-laws; how often family will get together, holidays and level of grandparent involvement to name a few. Expectations can create problems in a sexual relationship in many ways. The third is companionship expectations or how you will spend time together and how much. Another is parenting expectations. This can be vastly different for each spouse from parental involvement to mother working in or out of the home. There are expectations about marriage relationship itself, like how we handle encouragement. How we will encourage our spouse and how often. We even have expectations on how conflict should be handled. Keep checking back this week as we begin to discuss what to do with all these expectations so we are handling them in a healthy way and not allowing them to hurt our marriage relationship. Listen to today’s podcast for more on expectations in marriage.

Where Do Out Expectations Come From? This week we are going to focus on marriage because the state of the marriage will impact our ability to parent. One of the basic things that can have a profound effect on our marriage is the expectations we bring into it. But where do these expectations come from? One of the places we develop expectations for our marriage is in the dating relationship. Unfortunately, the whole dating process is an untrue picture of marriage. In dating, a person always presents the best part of themselves so it creates unrealistic expectations of who the other person really is. Observing our parent’s marriage,for better or worse, creates expectations. It sets up expectations for everything from roles to possible dysfunctions. The other places from which we create expectations are our own temperament, the media, our past relationships and even our cultural background. It would seem we all come into marriage with a lot of baggage that can have an impact if we are not aware and learn to control our expectations. Check back this week as we continue on this topic of expectations in marriage. As always listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.

When Someone Else Is Also Training Your Toddler There maybe many instances where a toddler may have the opportunity to practice the training outside your home. There may be short stints like nursery or longer stints such as daycare. The short stints can be looked at as practice times away from mom and dad. Be sure to take the time with the childcare worker/nursery attendant/babysitter to check how your child behaved and see what they need to work on. The areas that can be a little bit more complicated are the family ones. Such as, time with grandparents or sharing time between mom and dad in a divorce. If possible share your parenting plan to see if, for the sake of the children, everyone can do the same thing. If this is not a possibility then at the very least make sure that your house is as consistent as it can be. Be aware that as children come back into your home they will have some adjustment time and adjust your expectations. For more on the topic of training toddlers listen to today’s podcast.

Toddler Triggers One of the things in dealing with toddlers is being preemptive with behavior. There are certain things that can trigger behavior and if a parent is aware of them they can head off a potential melt down. Some are very basic, but may not be thought about in the midst of the fray. Hunger can be a basic trigger as well as being over tired. So a trip to the grocery store too close to nap or lunch time may result in bad behavior. Overstimulation may also cause behavior issues because the toddler cannot process anything else. Another behavior trigger for toddlers is boredom. This is an easy fix when you sense that your toddler is getting antsy, create an activity. Behavior also seems to slide when mom or dad is distracted so if a phone call needs to be made or another job needs to be done, take the time to get your toddler focused on something ahead of time. We discussed how important having a routine is for a toddler so taking them out of that routine may cause behavior issues because it is unfamiliar. The final trigger we will discuss is other children. Toddlers tend to be brilliant mimics because their brains are so programed for learning at this phase. Be ready when your toddler is around other kids, which is unavoidable, to deal with potential behavior that is picked up. Listen to today’s podcast for more on training toddlers.

The Healthy Process Of Training Being consistent in the toddler years with training may help us for the long run. A toddler that consistently pushes back and continues to hit a wall, or consistent consequence, will eventually learn cause and effect. Eventually they will learn, “If I continue to do this I will not like the outcome.” You have already won the battle at an early age and your child knows that your “no means no”. There are several things that make training a toddler a bit easier. Toddlers thrive in a routine. If they know what to expect next they feel same and comfortable. Toddlers also need consistent sleep. A child who is not getting enough sleep will exhibit bad behavior because it is harder for them to control themselves. Toddlers need time to exert their energy. They need times to be able to just run and play. Like we mentioned yesterday the toddler also thrives on praise. They seem so much more willing to do things if a positive or exciting spin can be put on it rather then just a demand. For example making a game out of something as simple as picking up toys, may make it less of a battle. It also may help make the mundane of the continual day to day training fun for mom and dad as well. Listen to today’s podcast for more on toddler training.

The Important Months For Establishing Consistent Boundaries And Encouragement Toddlerhood is such a crucial time for parenting. Because they are beginning to explore the world around them and are processing everything, the toddler is ripe for this process. What an amazing phase of life that can happen so quickly. It seems like seconds between holding the completely dependent infant and chasing the toddler who is pushing hard for independence. This must be a confusing time for them as they are trying to learn how to communicate, control their emotions and learn boundaries. For this reason this is the time for us to implement the parenting plan and be consistent with consequences and praise. It’s not every phase of childhood that a cheer or applause (literally) can encourage your child to make the right decision. I remember trying to get my firstborn to eat his peas one night because he had hit a picky phase and didn’t want anything. At a loss I made up a “pea song” and would sing it for each bite eaten. It’s amazing what praise will do for encouraging a child in the right direction but it’s crucial for the toddler phase. Take the time to set up those boundaries for your toddler and remember to go crazy with praise if they make a step in the right direction. Listen to today’s podcast for more on training toddlers.

Toddlers Are Suppose To Push Boundaries To recap our last week discussing toddlers, we should not be surprised when they push the boundaries. We need to take it a step further and anticipate that they will push the boundaries. Forgive the analogy but it is similar to a dog learning an invisible electric fence. It isn’t a boundary that can physically be seen so they have to run until they hit the “consequence”. The dog must test the entirety of the fence to learn where his boundary lie. Some dogs will consistently push the limits. Others will learn more quickly and can even have their collars removed and will never leave the area because they believe there will be a consequence. Our toddlers have to learn this as well. They aren’t born immediately knowing their boundaries or even what is safe for them. We must teach them but we also must expect them to push back to see if the boundary is solid or if it is something that will change every time.  How hard they push back and how often can change with each child due to their temperament. Listen to today’s podcast for more on training toddlers.

An interview with Dr. Barnes about Broward County, Florida schools calling October LGBT History Month and how parents should respond

Pursuing A Plan In the next few weeks we are going to spend an entire series on creating a plan, for that reason we aren’t going to go into great detail today. However, there are a few things that are important to know about the plan process. The first thing to remember is that it is vital to have a plan for parenting. We discussed in our series on yelling that when you don’t have a plan for discipline it is easy to become the consequence. Secondly, it is important to make sure the plan in thoroughly communicated. This includes both spouses and the child involved. It is hard to be consistent with a plan if both parents aren’t on the same page. Which brings us to the final thing that is imperative to the plan, consistency. In order for a child to learn it is their behavior causing the consequences, the discipline must be consistent every time. Otherwise it is communicated that discipline is on the parent’s whim rather then connected to the child’s behavior. Remember to keep a lookout for our series on creating that plan! Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on the topic of toddlers.

Think Principles Not Procedures If we are training with the purpose of raising a Godly child who is marriageable and employable it is easy to get overwhelmed with all the things for which we need to prepare our child. Especially a toddler whose entire purpose it seems is to test the realities of the boundaries placed before him. However, if in the early years we can “lump” those rules in to principles we want to teach it will be easier both to communicate and to remember. For example, the simple principle of listen and obey, covers a multitude of rules. Another principle such as being kind to others helps blanket another set of rules, like not hitting, etc. If we can come up with consequences and rewards for our set of “principles” then the task suddenly doesn’t seem so insurmountable. Process through the Godly principles you want to instill in your child. These toddler years are a great place to begin this training! Listen to today’s podcast for more on the topic of toddlers.

Purposeful Training Yesterday we discussed “remembering your purpose”, when parenting toddlers we need to take that a step further. After establishing our purpose, we need to filter all of our training through it. This may seem like an insurmountable task but actually may help simplify the parenting process. Our purpose for parenting is to raise a Godly child who is marriageable and employable. So if we start with that end in mind it may help us to filter what may be just a parental preference, something that was a rule when the parent was a child and things that will help to accomplish our goal for parenting. There are obvious rules that we must instill like the meaning of “no” and things like not hitting. There are rules that seem to be gray areas like manners or running in the house. Now obviously manners and learning self control are very important for the future but we also must process our expectations for a young child. Take the time to filter your training through the ultimate parenting goals. Also take the time to have a staff meeting with your spouse to make sure you are on the same page, as well as talking through your expectations for your toddler to make sure they are age appropriate. Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on the topic of toddlers.

Keep Focused on the Purpose When in the “toddler trenches” it is important that we focus on our purpose. You may ask yourself, why am I doing this? Why am I fighting this battle day in and day out, it is exhausting? Keep in front of you the purpose for parenting. The goal is to raise a Godly child who is both marriageable and employable. It also helps to keep in perspective that God has allowed us the privilege of training the children He has given us and we will be accountable to Him for that training. He does encourage us with a promise in Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Training takes consistency, patience and intentionality. Remember that this period of “parenting bootcamp” is brief but how we handle it will impact the ease of our parenting in the future. Choose to be consistent and let your no mean no. Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on toddlers.