Parenting On Purpose

The Right Perspective It is very important when in the midst, or battlefield, of training toddlers to have the proper perspective. First, we need to remember that this is just a phase. While we can’t use it as an excuse for allowing behavior, it may give us strength in day to day to remember “this too shall pass.” It is our job to instill in our children a moral compass or the ability to know right from wrong. This training begins with the toddler phase when we begin to teach them what the word no means. That is why it is imperative through this phase that we are consistent in discipline and making sure that our no means no. Join us for the next two weeks as we begin to dive into the ups and downs of this roller-coaster we fondly know as toddlerhood. Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on the topic of toddlers.

The ICE Plan In order to be consistent with a plan we need to create one. A very simple plan for discipline is called the ICE plan. This stands for Instruct, Consequence and Exercise. What this means is the parent gives the child an instruction for their behavior. Such as, “clean your room”. Next the consequence for that behavior needs to be established and the child needs to be informed of that consequence. “I need you to have your room cleaned before we go to your friends house. If it is not cleaned up by 4, that will mean that you will be choosing not to go.” Finally, we need to step back and allow them to exercise their choice. This allows us to be removed from the consequence. Because the child had already been instructed all the parent has to do is follow thru. If consequences are thought up ahead of time that should help to eliminate the yelling. The child can then begin to make the connection that it is their behavior, not the parent, that is causing the consequences. For more on this plan listen to today’s podcast.

How To Stop There are four easy steps to remember in order to stop yelling. Anticipate the behavior, don’t be caught off guard. Develop a plan for dealing with unacceptable behavior. Develop your response ahead of time for dealing with defiance. Choose not to become the consequence. Remember, the consequence is not to break the child’s will. The consequence is supposed to be just enough to make the child think. If established and consistently enforced it will cause the child to choose to be responsible. Make sure the consequence is selected ahead of time to make it possible for the parentand child to maintain their relationship. The child might be mad at the parent at first, but eventually, if there is no yelling the child will realize that his parent is not part of this consequence. This makes it easier for the child to realize that his parents are still pulling for him to win, and they still love him regardless. Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on the topic of yelling.

How It Damages The Parent Child Relationship Yelling does damage to the parent child relationship because it uses that relationship as a weapon. The parent themselves become the consequence. We have talked numerous times how important it is to stay removed from the consequence. We do this so that the child will learn it is their behavior that is earning the consequence. It’s not just on the parents whim. When we yell this is hard to distinguish and can ultimately cause anger in the child. The other reason why yelling is an ineffective consequence is that a child can learn to tune it out. In the long run it may not deter negative behavior at all. These are the reasons we must come up with a plan for discipline using effective consequences in order to train our children. For more insight on this topic listen to today’s podcast.

When Do Parents Yell? In order to stop doing something, we need to be aware of when it is happening. Yesterday, we discussed that yelling takes place most often when there isn’t a plan. We need to identify those times in our own lives where we don’t have a plan in place. Without a plan it is very easy to get exasperated. Other times it is simply that we don’t expect our children to be children. If this happens their immaturity can frustrate or annoy. Finally, like we said yesterday, if we get embarrassed by our children’s behavior it is easy to overreact in order to “get it under control.” For example, those trips to the grocery store with a tantruming toddler. Take the time to identify those moments in your own parenting experience where you may be tempted to yell. Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on the topic of yelling.

Why Do Parents Do it? We are going to focus this week on yelling or the adult temper tantrum. We have all observed parents that are yelling at their children. And unfortunately many of us are guilty of it. The adult temper tantrum is not something that is a controlled stern voice tone. It is where a child does something and the parent “loses it” and yells. So why does it happen? For many, it is the way they were raised. Others may yell because they are at a loss for what else to do. Some parents are dealing with stress in other areas of their lives and when a child messes up they catch the brunt of the adults emotions. Some parents are not prepared for their child’s behavior and are caught off guard or embarrassed, so they react. Not only is yelling not an effective consequence it is usually the result of a lack of plan on the parents part. Check back, we will spend the rest of the week discussing yelling and what we can do to change it. Listen to today’s podcast for more on yelling.