Parenting On Purpose

Teaching Children To Talk About Their Feelings Learning how to communicate your feelings is a vital skill for children to learn. Learning to talk through an issue rather than have an emotional outburst is something that is key to marriage and employment.  It is so important that we spent and entire series that was dedicated to communication.  Check out The Importance of Teaching Your Child To Communicate. Listen to today’s podcast as well for more insight.

Defining Signal Behavior The assumption is that kids are born able to communicate. Why would anyone married over a week think that people are automatically able to communicate? We actually spend a lifetime developing our means of communication, more importantly we have to be taught to communicate. Take my 3 year old son. Everything’s fine. He gets into the car seat with his mother and grandmother up front. We are talking to each other, not him.  He wants to be the center of his world so he starts speaking or singing loudly in order to get us to pay attention.  If we don’t he escalates the attempt by asking things repeatedly or even misbehaving.  Before we know it we are reinforcing negative behavior to get attention. When we can’t talk we still communicate.  We just speak a language that is more difficult to understand: The language of behavior. We are going to spend the rest of this week discussing signal behavior and how we listen to it.  A verse to remember this week is  James 1:19, “My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”   Listen to today’s podcast for more on this topic

His Needs vs. Her Needs First, we need to remember that males and females need different things not only from a relationship but they also differ in how they react to a situation.  Females stereotypically will react from an emotional side and males will usually try to take on the same issue from a pragmatic or practical view.  It is amazing how God made us to compliment each other but if we go into dealing with an issue thinking that we will handle issues the same way we are in for failure.  If we recognize that we are different, instead of getting frustrated with the others reaction, we can utilize these differences to balance each other out and come to a great compromise.  This is especially useful for parenting because we can come to the middle on a decision instead of erring to the too soft or too harsh side.  We also have to keep in mind that it is not necessarily that one parent cares more or less about the situation it is that we go into it with very different viewpoints. The other area where are needs are very different as genders, stereotypically, is what we need from each other at the end of the day.  A mom will probably need her husband to interact with her emotionally and relationally and the husband may have “used all his words for the day” and be ready to zone.  Make sure that you are taking the time to communicate to each other what your needs are so that you can be on the same page, instead of getting frustrated or irritated with each other.  Choosing to be intentional with your relationship will help you to grow closer as friends, this will allow for growth in your marriage even when the days get long. Choose to be MARRIED with children!   Listen to today’s podcast for more on this topic.

Being On The Same Team One of the things that is imperative for parents is to be on the same page in parenting. Children can easily sense that parents are not on the same team and exploit the situation. But even worse can frustrate the two spouses and eventually drive a wedge between them. Creating a parenting plan is the way to keep two spouses on the same page. The next step is to have a weekly “staff meeting” to allow you to keep up with the plan and any adjustments that will happen.  You also need to communicate to your children that you are a united front. Saying things like, “ your father/mother and I need to talk about this so I will let you know our decision,” when your children come to you asking to do something out of the ordinary or if there is a big rule infraction. Remember that everyone will come to parenting with different expectations. You have to take the time to work as a team in order to be consistent in how you handle things.  If you don’t take the time to be on the same page when situations arise, resentment can build that can tear apart the marriage relationship. Make those weekly staff meetings a priority on your calendar!   For more on this topic listen to today’s podcast

Intentionality One of the ways to come out of that survival mentality is a somewhat simple thought.  It is simply being intentional.  There are several areas to be intentional about in your marriage.  The first is being intentional about communication.  Make sure that you are setting aside time to communicate with your spouse, this is something that we need to make a daily priority.  Secondly, we need to be intentional about touch.   Simply holding hands or even hugging each other communicates to your spouse and your children the priority of the relationship. Be intentional to take the time to recognize and acknowledge the little things.  This simple little step goes along way.   A simple “thank you that meant a lot to me when you did… “ can be a major encouragement, even if it is simply for taking out the trash!  We also need to be prepared to cross gender roles.  During crazy times of trying to find balance we can serve each other by doing a job that our spouse may not have had the time to get to. These times of intentionality need to occur anytime there is a feeling of simply trying to get through the day, whether it is chasing small children or balancing the crazy schedules of older kids.  Take the time to be intentional about your marriage!   Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.

When You’re Overwhelmed When you bring a new baby home, to say everything changes is an understatement.  There is so much going on, with so little sleep those first few weeks seem to go by in a blur.  If you are a first time parent it is so much of a learning curve as you are caring for this little life that is totally dependent on you.  Those first few weeks take so much, that parenting is an around the clock and all consuming thing.  What can be detrimental is if we never come out of this state of being overwhelmed.  We can easily go from day to day almost in survival mode.  With young children it can be one thing after another, first getting the baby to sleep, when that finally happens teething begins, then mobility, potty training etc.  Life can become a whirlwind of wishing for sleep or time to be alone with ones thoughts.  Then many of us, some might say foolhardy, decide its time to add a sibling to the mix.  Parenting is definitely not for the feint of heart!  We must be careful through all of this not to loose the priority our marriage needs to have. Tomorrow we will begin to discuss practical ways to be married with children.   Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.

The Wake Up Call God allows each phase of our lives to happen for our growth and continual death to self, among many reasons.  Through the dating phase we can easily appear to put the others needs ahead of our own because it is not all day every day.  Plus we are putting our best face on in order to attract the other person.  When marriage happens, after the “honeymoon” period, we begin to see the other for who they truly are.  For some this is when things can get rocky because we must now choose to put the others need before our own.  For most couples the next progression is children.  This can be the ultimate dying to self as we are up many nights and making major sacrifices for the little one now in our care.  For many, marriage can get placed on the back burner because parenting is such a sacrifice.  We can’t focus on the needs of our spouse when the children’s needs appear to come first.  This leaves each spouse grappling to get their own needs met and can begin to cause issues for the marriage.  So what do we do as parents? We are going to spend the rest of this week discussing how to be married with children.   Listen to today’s podcast for more on this topic.

A Story For Easter There is a beautiful story that you can read to your children Easter morning. It is a story that has to do with the linen cloth placed over Jesus face during his burial.  Here it is. The Folded Napkin (author anonymous) The Gospel of John (20:7) tells us that the napkin, which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the grave clothes. The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed at the head of that stony coffin. Early Sunday morning, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance. She ran and found Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved.. She said, ‘They have taken the Lord’s body out of the tomb, and I don’t know where they have put him!’ Peter and the other disciple ran to the tomb to see. The other disciple out ran Peter and got there first. He stopped and looked in and saw the linen cloth lying there, but he didn’t go in. Then Simon Peter arrived and went inside. He also noticed the linen wrappings lying there, while the cloth that had covered Jesus’ head was folded up and lying to the side. Was that important? Absolutely! Is it really significant? Yes! In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day.   The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every Jewish boy knew this tradition. When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it.   The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished. Now if the master were done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up that napkin and toss it onto the table.    The servant would then know to clear the table. For in those days, the wadded napkin meant,  “I’m finished.” But if the master got up from the table, and folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because………. The folded napkin meant, “I’m coming back”   author- unknown Listen to today’s podcast for more on celebrating Easter as a Family.

Explaining Christ’s Sacrifice at Home It cost our Savior everything for us to have relationship with God, His Father.  We cannot make light of the sacrifice that Jesus made for us.  Crucifixion was such a horrific way to die that some have stated that it is the most inhumane form of carrying out the death penalty of all time.  It is something that cannot be taken lightly.  Make sure that you are taking the time to help your children understand the sacrifice that Jesus made for us on the cross.  You can utilize Resurrection Eggs for your older children to explain the events of Easter week. The horrible things that Jesus went through before His death may be a difficult thing to explain to small children.  But helping them understand the reality of what He did for us is very important.  One way to help them begin to understand, is by helping them to see what the outcome of his suffering was.  Jesus’ death and resurrection opened the door of communication between God and humanity.  Our sin stands as a barrier, but when Jesus took that sin upon himself and paid our penalty, that barrier was removed. To help children visualize this lesson, you can explain that God allowed the cords (or whip) of Jesus suffering to be part of the process to open the communication to Him. The activity that can help children to understand that new communication between God and man, is making an old fashion can/cup telephone.  Punch a hole in the bottom of a cup or can and thread the cord through.  Put a can on the other end and pull the cord taunt. You will then be able to hear a voice talking into the other end. You can even write “God” on one cup and “man” on the other.  Use red yarn or string for an even stronger visual to represent that Jesus blood made this communication possible. Listen to today’s podcast for more on celebrating Easter as a family.  

Do This in Remembrance of Me As we begin Easter week, choose to make this a week of different focus for your family.  We will talk about several things that you can do as a family to make this week set apart from the norm.  For many of us who are Christians we get caught up in all the religious activities and don’t allow them to remind us of why we do them.   In the story of Joshua, he has the leaders of the twelve tribes of Israel place twelve large stones together as a monument.  He does this right after they cross the Jordan river.  He tells the people that they are doing this so that when the children ask it will be a reminder of all that God has done for them.  We can utilize these holidays as a monument in our lives. Many of us today don’t celebrate the season of Lent.  The purpose of the season from Ash Wednesday to Easter, is to set that time apart.  Giving up something for the season reminds us that there is something special about this time.  It is suppose to help our focus be on God.  If you don’t celebrate the season of Lent as a family think about things that you can do this week to set the time apart.  Things that you can use as a family “monument” for what God has done for us.   Listen to today’s podcast for more on celebrating Easter as a family.    

Why It’s The Most Important Holiday If we are typical American families, Easter is just another holiday about getting.  It revolves around the Easter bunny, egg hunts, new clothes for Easter Sunday and church.  For many families going to church is a religious event that happens only Christmas Eve and Easter Sunday.  Do we need to do anything different than that for our family?  First we need to decide what it really means to us. If we truly believe what we say we believe then this day we celebrate is what sets Christianity apart from any other religion.  We claim to believe that this day celebrates the day that Jesus defeated death.   Because God is a Holy God , in order for us to be in relationship with Him we must be with out fault.  This is not possible for us, so God requires payment for our wrong doing.  For years this payment was sacrifices made by the priests for the people.  Jesus stepped in to once and for all take the place of animal sacrifice, His death was the ultimate and final payment for our sin.   His death made it possible for us to be in relationship with God.  Good Friday and Easter celebrates the focal point of Christianity.  We are going to talk about how we celebrate this as a family.   Listen to today’s podcast for more on celebrating Easter as a family.  

#4 = Encourage Encouragement is another vital part of the training experience. We must encourage the process not necessarily the result.  This means that we have to focus on the effort that a child puts forth.  This is true of any age group. It is so easy with the three year old who has attempted to help clean up to focus on all the toys they missed rather then the effort they put forth trying.  The same for a child who brings home a grade a little lower then expected after spending lots of time on a project or studying for a test.  We must applaud effort.  We spent a week series on this topic that you can check out by clicking here. We must remember that parenting is all about the process.  We can get so bogged down trying to focus on the result of good behavior or good grades.  We need to remember that we are raising children with the goal of a responsible adult; they aren’t there yet.  So just as we give a consequence for a poor choice we must give a “reward” for a good choice.  The reward can be as simple as communicating that they did a good job, it is encouraging to simply know someone has noticed the effort you put forth. Choose to become your child’s biggest cheerleader!   Listen to today’s podcast for more on this topic.

#3 = Experience After exposing His disciples to countless ministry opportunities along side Himself, Jesus then allowed the disciples to experience it for themselves.  They had had countless hours of ministry practice and it was now game day. Mark 6:7   And he called his twelve disciples together and began sending them out two by two, giving them authority to cast out evil spirits.  He told them to take nothing for their journey except a walking stick—no food, no traveler’s bag, no money.  He allowed them to wear sandals but not to take a change of clothes. “Wherever you go,” he said, “stay in the same house until you leave town.  But if any place refuses to welcome you or listen to you, shake its dust from your feet as you leave to show that you have abandoned those people to their fate.”  So the disciples went out, telling everyone they met to repent of their sins and turn to God.  And they cast out many demons and healed many sick people, anointing them with olive oil.  NLT This may be the most difficult part of the training process for parents.  This means having to spend the hours practicing with my child and exposing them to what I am training them in. Then I have to take a step back and allow them to experience the training and stand on the sidelines.  How hard must it be for a coach to watch his team fail or loose a game but so often it is through the losses that we can see what needs to be worked on.  This applies to everything from teaching your children time management then allowing them to manage their time as they head toward a science project, to handling money, the social area, dating and even driving.  It would be so much better for children to practice these things while at home for us to “coach them through” any failures or missteps then for their only practice to be when they hit the real adult world or the college campus. Take the time to allow your child to truly experience the training then be there to coach them through the wins and the losses! Listen to today’s podcast for more on this topic. 

#2 = Exposure Here is just one awesome example of how Jesus chose to expose His disciples to a ministry opportunity that they would have otherwise missed. Mark 6:35   Late in the afternoon his disciples came to him and said, “This is a remote place, and it’s already getting late.  Send the crowds away so they can go to the nearby farms and villages and buy something to eat.” But Jesus said, “You feed them.” “With what?” they asked. “We’d have to work for months to earn enough money to buy food for all these people!” “How much bread do you have?” he asked. “Go and find out.” They came back and reported, “We have five loaves of bread and two fish.” Then Jesus told the disciples to have the people sit down in groups on the green grass.  So they sat down in groups of fifty or a hundred.  Jesus took the five loaves and two fish, looked up toward heaven, and blessed them. Then, breaking the loaves into pieces, he kept giving the bread to the disciples so they could distribute it to the people. He also divided the fish for everyone to share.  They all ate as much as they wanted, and afterward, the disciples picked up twelve baskets of leftover bread and fish.  A total of 5,000 men and their families were fed from those loaves!    NLT What can we learn from this as parents? We need to expose our children to the types of qualities that we want them to have.  If we want them to have an others oriented attitude then we have to give them opportunities to serve others. This can be both in the home, as we serve each other, or out of the home on family service projects.  We can also include them in our decision making processes so they can learn from what we do.  Allow them to participate even if it may mean a little more work in the present this is an invaluable part of the training process.   Listen to today’s podcast for more on this topic.

#1 = Example Being the example for your child is one of the most important parts for the training process. The whole “do as I say not as I do” mentality does not work for children. We have mentioned before what brilliant mimics they can be. There have been many times working in the residential program, where parents come in discussing the behavior problems of their children and are shocked to discover how influential they have been in that negative behavior. I have even had one parent disgusted with their child’s foul language. They exclaimed through expletives, I’m just not sure where they get it from!  We need to always be aware that we are setting the example for our children’s behavior for better or worse.  Through out the training process we need to model the expectations we have for our children. Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on this topic.