Surviving Divorce Podcast: Hope, Healing, Recovery, Personal Finance, Co-Parenting

It’s Just Not Fair This week a listener writes in with the following story and question. She writes: “My story is my soon to be ex-husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for a little under 7 when he told me he, “I thought you were what I wanted but you are not.” I found out shortly after he was having an affair with a co-worker and they had a child together… I am 2 years into the divorce process and I am working through all the pain of this and sometimes feel and think, where is the justice? How do people do things like this with no consequence? More importantly, I want to let go of all my feelings of this loss and move on. Every now and then the thoughts surface and I am hurt and angry and crave justice for this wrong. Can you offer advice on how I get past this need for justice and fairness? I am trying so hard to heal, I want it so badly. I don’t like these overwhelming emotions coming and crying like it’s new.” Life is not fair. That’s a phrase my children wish they would never hear again. Whenever my kids start to complain about perceived unequal treatment that was/is my standard reply. So my initial response to you is “Life’s not fair.” But that’s not a very constructive answer and doesn’t give you any tools you can use to cope with your feelings, so let’s back up and start over. In last week’s podcast I discussed the pain of being surprised by the divorce and how it can seem that the party wanting out is cold and uncaring. It sounds like you were surprised and it’s taking you awhile to work through the healing process. Two years after a divorce from a 16 year relationship it is normal for you to still be ambushed by emotions. It will likely take you 4-5 years to get to the point where you can say you are healed. It’s only normal to view your situation as unfair, because it is. It’s not fair that you invested 16 years of your life in a relationship that your husband threw away. It’s not fair that your children don’t have a father around full-time. It’s not fair that your ex is in a new relationship and you are left to pick up the pieces. Let’s take a deeper look at your ex’s situation. He has to live with the knowledge that he walked out on his family. He’s in a relationship that started as an illicit affair. He is trying to support a new family as well as paying child support (I assume.) So he is coming out of this with no consequences. I can’t imagine how trust could develop in a relationship that started as an affair. You know your partner was capable of cheating so it will only be a matter of time until they get bored and cheat again. Every week he has to see a portion of his paycheck go to support the family he abandoned. The regret must be horrendous. You may think he doesn’t have consequences, but I assure you he does. You, on the other hand, can be free in the knowledge that this wasn’t your fault. Sure you weren’t the perfect spouse, no one is. But you didn’t cheat. You now have the opportunity to learn from this situation. You can become the best you possible, and when the time is right you can have a new relationship that’s everything you’ve ever wanted. As foreign as the concept may seem, the best thing you can do is forgive your ex: This was one of the biggest steps in my own journey towards healing. Forgiving him doesn’t mean that what he did was OK, it simply means that you are not going to let his past actions control you anymore. You are placing him in God’s hands. “The Lord is slow to anger but great in power; the Lord will not leave the guilty unpunished.” – Nahum 1:3 But, “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” – Proverbs 28:13 When you forgive your ex, you are letting God deal with him however He sees fit. You are then free to claim the promise of Joel 2:24-26. “The threshing floors will be filled with grain; the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.

Why Is He So Unconcerned? A listener wrote in with the following question: “I was wondering if you could address how a person can totally appear to have no concern about the person they knew and loved for more than 23 years? It just hurts so very much! Why do my thoughts just go to him? It doesn’t help that all I can do is think right now…” An analogy: It’s a couple hundred years ago and let’s say you are going on a six month journey where you will not be able to communicate with folks back home. It may be sailing around the world, hiking the amazon, an expedition to Antarctica, whatever it is you have no way to communicate with loved ones for six months. You make preparations to leave and say your goodbyes and then you are out of touch for six months. When you return you are expecting your parents to meet you, but upon arrival only your father is there. You don’t think too much of it, assuming something has prevented you mother from meeting you. When you finally reach your father, you can tell that something is wrong. He informs you that your mother passed away in a tragic accident the day after you left. You are distraught with a whole host of emotions bombarding you at once. You are in denial that your mother is gone, angry at yourself for not being there, and all the while in disbelief that your father is taking this so calmly. Well, he’s had six months to deal with his grief, but it’s fresh and raw to you. You are six months behind him in the grieving process. This is exactly what happens very often in the divorce process. For whatever reason, one spouse begins to pull away from the marriage, the changes can be so subtle that the other spouse doesn’t even realize what’s happening or they think this is just a low spot in the marriage they will eventually work through. The Grieving Process The events may transpire something like this: For this illustration we will assume the husband is leaving the wife to follow on from the initial question. The marriage is in a rut: Both spouses know that something isn’t right but neither really knows what to do. During this time something draws the husbands attention away from the marriage; work, midlife crisis, another woman, whatever it is doesn’t matter, what matters is that saving his marriage is no longer a top priority. He is in denial at first, but when reality sinks in he becomes angry. His anger may or may not be directed at his wife, but she can definitely tell that something is wrong when she confronts him and he denies it, or they end up fighting. He may or may not enter a bargaining phase where he is trying to bring his conflicting emotions into harmony with each other; this may dump him back into an anger phase. He will eventually enter a depressed state because he realizes he can’t have it all. Something has to go. His wife thinks things are improving because he is not angry any more but in fact their marriage is moving rapidly toward divorce. His mood will start to improve when he finally decides that his marriage is what’s holding him back and a divorce is the answer. His wife sees his improved mood as a sign that things are indeed getting better, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Now that he’s decided on divorce he goes into a planning phase. He contacts his lawyer, makes a plan for life after divorce and makes preparations to tell his wife. His love is gone. He is determined that a divorce is the best course of action and it comes down to a business transaction. A business transaction with an old friend who he’s lost touch with. When he finally tells his wife she is totally taken by surprise. There was no indication he was planning this. And just like the traveler returning to find out his mother was dead, the wife is months or years behind the husband in the grieving process. The husband seems cold and uncaring because he is. He has accepted the divorce as a forgone conclusion.

Divorce Is Hell There was a popular country song by Rodney Atkins titled “If You’re Going Through Hell” that went like this: “If you’re going through Hell, keep on going. Don’t slow down. If you’re scared don’t show it, you might get out before the Devil even knows you’re there.” While I don’t agree with the theology of the song, I do think we can learn something from the principle. Going through divorce could easily be described as going through Hell. The emotional pain is unlike any other you will face. I’m not saying it’s the worst pain you can face, but it’s right up there in the top two or three. I’m sure that the death of a spouse or child would be as bad or worse in some respects, but it’s not usually accompanied by the feelings of rejection, failure, loss of self-worth, etc. that are associated with divorce. The inspiration for this podcast came from the sermon at church Sunday morning. Our pastor was preaching on Isaiah 40:31: “…But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” When you are going through a divorce you are not soaring through life like an eagle and you are not running toward some prize. You are simply trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other without fainting. Sometimes putting one foot in front of the other is all you can seem to do. But it’s extremely important to keep moving forward in your journey toward healing. The process of healing after a divorce can seem never-ending. There will be a temptation to just give up and not finish the grieving process. When this happens it’s likely that you will get stuck in either the anger or depression phase which in turn leads to bitterness. Wrap Up Click on the banner to the right or go to  facebook.com/survivingdivorcepodcast and join the conversation. You can support the podcast by shopping on Amazon.  Just go to www.survivingdivorcepodcast.com/amazon and bookmark the page.  Then whenever you shop on Amazon just use the bookmarked page and I will get a small commission and it won’t cost you any more. Please consider leaving a review in iTunes if you enjoy the podcast. It will help keep it visible for others to find it. If you’d like to discuss this topic you can leave a comment below and I’ll gladly join you. And finally, if you have a question you would like me to address you can leave a message on the Listener Feedback Line at 347-433-7664 or email me at feedback@survivingdivorcepodcast.com

Don’t Let Fear Control You Divorce is scary!! The loss of control of your life and your unknown future will make even the most macho of men afraid. There are many things to fear: Fear of being alone Fear of losing relationship with children ...

Listener question about adult children and their relationship with their father.  

Is it time to quit praying?  No, but it is time to quit only praying and do something.  In Exodus 14:15 when the Israelites were trapped between the Red Sea and Pharoa's army  "the Lord said to Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on." If you are praying for reconciliation, better finances, a better co-parenting relationship, etc., don't just pray, do something to make it happen.   Wrap Up Click on the banner to the right or go to  facebook.com/survivingdivorcepodcast and join the conversation. You can support the podcast by shopping on Amazon.  Just go to www.survivingdivorcepodcast.com/amazon and bookmark the page.  Then whenever you shop on Amazon just use the bookmarked page and I will get a small commission and it won’t cost you any more. Please consider leaving a review in iTunes if you enjoy the podcast. It will help keep it visible for others to find it. If you’d like to discuss this topic you can leave a comment below and I’ll gladly join you. And finally, if you have a question you would like me to address you can leave a message on the Listener Feedback Line at 347-433-7664 or email me at feedback@survivingdivorcepodcast.com

Q&A In this episode I answer a listener's question about dealing with emotions. Wrap Up Click on the banner to the right or go to  facebook.com/survivingdivorcepodcast and join the conversation. You can support the podcast by shopping on Amazon.  Just go to www.survivingdivorcepodcast.com/amazon and bookmark the page.  Then whenever you shop on Amazon just use the bookmarked page and I will get a small commission and it won’t cost you any more. Please consider leaving a review in iTunes if you enjoy the podcast. It will help keep it visible for others to find it. If you’d like to discuss this topic you can leave a comment below and I’ll gladly join you. And finally, if you have a question you would like me to address you can leave a message on the Listener Feedback Line at 347-433-7664 or email me at feedback@survivingdivorcepodcast.com

How do I know if my husband is serious about reconciling? I received the following question from a listener: " How do I know if my husband wants to seriously reconcile? How do reconcile when both partners were unfaithful? But are willing to reconcile because they love each other and each did wrong, where do you start? We live in separate homes and the divorce is still in process, lawyers are still present. " First of all, if you are both willing to consider reconciliation, stop the divorce.  The divorce process just drives couples apart by planning the end of the marriage, dividing assets, dealing with child custody, etc.  You need to push pause on the divorce process immediately. You also need to put your lawyers on hold.  I don't have anything against lawyers and I think everyone needs one when going through a divorce; however, in your case your lawyers are probably not interested in helping you reconcile.  You may have a good one that would be thrilled to see you not divorce, but in general the lawyer's goal is to get you divorced because that's what you hired them to do.  Also, keeping your lawyers while trying to reconcile will only escalate your legal bills. Now, on to your question.  How do you know if he's serious?  If you've lived with him any length of time your gut feel is as good as anything.  You should have a pretty good idea if he's serious or not.  It ultimately comes down to the fact that you are going to have to trust him and learning to trust after infidelity is probably the hardest part of the reconciliation process. The marriage bond has been broken at such a fundamental level that trust can be a long time coming.  If you are to have any hope of rebuilding trust you need to be transparently honest with each other.  I would go so far as to share all login information for email and social media accounts.  Use the old cold war philosophy of "trust but verify".  The more you verify, the more you will trust and you each have a lot of trust to win back. The most important thing you can do is get marriage counseling.  I would recommend a faith-based counselor who is committed to saving marriages and is willing to do the hard work required to get you on the track to healing.  Unless you can find a counselor through your church or another ministry, counseling will likely be expensive.  But no matter how expensive it is your marriage is worth it. Wrap Up Click on the banner to the right or go to  facebook.com/survivingdivorcepodcast and join the conversation. You can support the podcast by shopping on Amazon.  Just go to www.survivingdivorcepodcast.com/amazon and bookmark the page.  Then whenever you shop on Amazon just use the bookmarked page and I will get a small commission and it won’t cost you any more. Please consider leaving a review in iTunes if you enjoy the podcast. It will help keep it visible for others to find it. If you’d like to discuss this topic you can leave a comment below and I’ll gladly join you. And finally, if you have a question you would like me to address you can leave a message on the Listener Feedback Line at 347-433-7664 or email me at feedback@survivingdivorcepodcast.com

Co-parenting: Summer Vacation This past Saturday was the junior senior prom at our local high school. My son is a junior this year, that's grade 11 for you non-US folks, and this was his first time attending. He was dressed in a sharp gray suit with a red vest, and his date had a frilly red dress. The kids had a wonderful time. Many parents devoted dozens of hours to making prom night a special evening. Just like an event like a prom takes cooperation and hard work from many people, successfully parenting your children after divorce takes cooperation and hard work as well. With summer vacation coming up here in the US, working together is essential to keep your kid’s lives as stress-free as possible. Kids need both parents involved in their lives if at all possible. Men and women bring a different perspective to life that is beneficial for the child. Actually just having two individuals is helpful because opposites attract and a child will have the opportunity to see how different individuals handle situations. Now I know some of you want desperately to be an active part of your kid’s lives. But your ex is having making that difficult for whatever reason and there are others who wish their ex would be more involved I was fortunate that, although not always ideal, my ex and I have been able to co-parent effectively. But to those of you who do have another parent involved, at least for visitations, here are tips to make this summer better for everyone involved. Visitation If you and your ex live far enough apart that a standard visitation/custody arrangement just isn't possible, your children will likely spend an extended time with their other parent over the summer. It's important that you are supportive of this. As I stated before, kids need time with both parents. And by supportive, I mean totally be supportive. Don't tell your kids things like, "I wish you didn't have to go" or "It's only three weeks then you get to come home" even if that's how you feel. Instead tell them they are going with your blessing and encourage them to have fun Use this time without parent duties for some much-needed "you" time. Do things that are difficult when your children are home, sleep in, go out with friends, get lost in a good book, tackle a project around the house that you've been putting off for lack of time, etc. If you have a plan and are looking forward to some alone time it will make it much easier for you to send your kids away for a few weeks. Vacations Summer is the season of family vacations. One of the few perks of having divorced parents is the opportunity to have two separate vacations. You need to plan your vacation dates early. You will need to work with your ex on this so that your dates won't converge. It's also a must to be flexible with the visitation schedule. Vacations often require coordinating multiple work schedules and kid's schedules. If your ex request a vacation time that would be when you normally have your kids, be accommodating. The more you can work with your ex, the better your kids’ lives will be. Sports While sports can be a year-round activity for some kids, summer is an exceptionally busy time. Baseball, softball, soccer, etc. all could have multiple games per week. If you live close by, make it a priority to be involved with your children's activities. If you are a long distance parent, stay informed via phone calls, Facebook, etc. Summer Camp If your kids regularly attended church camps, Scout camps, or any of the dozens of other camps, make sure they get to continue these activities after the divorce if at all possible. The more your kids can stay involved in their pre-divorce activities, the better their adjustment will be. Finances After having just said to keep your kids involved in their pre-divorce activities, if it doesn't make sense financially, don't do it. There are times when you must make tough decisions. If you have to put the summer camp fees on a credit card,

What's Your Foundation As I am writing this there are severe storms moving in to the southern Indiana area. The morning was bright and sunny but by noon there were storm clouds on the horizon. The weather service is forecasting severe storms with dama...

Question & Answer In this episode I address a couple of questions sent in by listeners. 1. Am I ready to date after 4 months? 2. How do I co-parent with an angry ex?   Wrap Up Click on the banner to the right or go to  facebook.com/survivingdivorcepodcast and join the conversation. You can support the podcast by shopping on Amazon.  Just go to www.survivingdivorcepodcast.com/amazon and bookmark the page.  Then whenever you shop on Amazon just use the bookmarked page and I will get a small commission and it won't cost you any more. Please consider leaving a review in iTunes if you enjoy the podcast. It will help keep it visible for others to find it. If you’d like to discuss this topic you can leave a comment below and I’ll gladly join you. And finally, if you have a question you would like me to address you can leave a message on the Listener Feedback Line at 347-433-7664 or email me at feedback@survivingdivorcepodcast.com

I want to go back and revisit some of the basics of divorce recovery. I know that some of you have listened to all of the episodes to date and I want to thank you for that, but for those that have just found the podcast I want to give an overview of the process of healing after divorce. Along with burying a spouse or child, divorce is one of the most painful events you can face in life. The pain can be just as intense as the death of a loved one but it is also accompanied by feelings of anger, betrayal, rejection, etc. that are not typically associated with such a death. We don't expect someone who has lost a spouse to just snap back immediately, so why is it that so many expect divorced people to go on as if nothing happened? How Long Will It Take? It's just not reasonable to think that you can come through a major life event such as divorce without taking considerable time to recover. One of the first questions people have is "how long will it take for me to get over this?" Unfortunately there is no easy answer. It depends on several factors. One of the primary factors that determines how long it will take to recover is the length of the marriage. If you were only married for one year, your recovery time will be significantly shorter than someone who was married for 30 years. This only makes sense. Other factors such as whether children are involved, if there was a significant betrayal, and how amicable the divorce process was will impact how long it takes to heal. No matter how short the marriage was, you need to give yourself at least a year to process your grief. Getting to the point of recovery for longer marriages can take as long as one year for every three years of marriage so a person who has been married for 30 years may not be completely over the divorce for as long as 10 years. The average for longer marriages where an intentional effort is made to work through the healing process is about 5 years. What Can You Expect During The Healing Process? Divorce is a significant loss and we deal with losses by grieving those losses. We expect a widow or widower to grieve, unfortunately society seems to expect a newly divorced person to go out and live it up and have a good time. This only delays the grieving that must take place. It's important to treat a divorce more like a death than a promotion and give yourself a chance to heal. As you grieve the loss of your marriage you will likely go through a series of emotional stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance; however, the grieving process is not a progression through the stages. As you begin to work through the stages you will find new hurts and losses that you need to grieve and you will start the process from the beginning for each. You will also find that you move back and forth between stages as you progress. For example, you may have been progressing through the stages at a fairly rapid rate and then find yourself stuck in depression for awhile. Then your ex does or says something that throws you back into full blown anger. Then as your anger lessens you go straight back to depression without going through a bargaining phase. The stages don't always come in order and you won't always experience all five after the divorce. Grieving almost always starts with denial. Anger, bargaining, and depression may not come in that order or they may not come at all. You may move straight from denial to bargaining where you are begging your soon-to-be ex not to leave, offering to do whatever it take to make them stay. Or your marriage may have been so bad that you actually feel relief that it's finally over. After the initial relief you find yourself depressed. In this case the denial, anger, and bargaining likely took place in the months or years leading up to the divorce. Other Losses Even if you are not overly upset about the divorce itself, you will soon identify other losses that you will need to grieve.

When You Can't Commit I recently had a conversation with a gentleman who has been divorced for several years. I don't remember exactly how many, but it was enough that he should be able to move on; however, he can't seem to commit to new relationships. He has a desire to be in a new relationship and is dating but as soon as the relationship starts to look "official" he runs. The question is why? Why is he scared of commitment? As I've said many times before, one of the biggest mistakes I see people make after a divorce is seeking a new relationship too soon. Because of this, I would never encourage someone to date who just isn't ready. But that's not the case in this situation. He is already actively dating and he has been divorced long enough that it shouldn't be an issue, yet he just can't seem to commit to relationships. Now this was just a passing conversation with someone I had just met so I can't make any judgements as to why he is having difficultly with commitment; however, if you find yourself in this situation here are 4 possible reasons why moving on is proving difficult. You Still Love Your Ex Even though you are divorced, and have been for many years, given the right set of circumstances you would take your ex back. You would gladly remarry him/her if only they would make some changes. If this is the case you need to stop dating. It's not fair to the guys or gals you are seeing if you are emotionally unavailable. Find a good group of friends to hand out with, get involved in church or community activities, volunteer at a local charity, but don't start dating until you can categorically say that your marriage is over forever. You Haven't Worked Through The Grieving Process If you find yourself with continuing anger toward your ex or you are battling depression that was caused by the divorce you are stuck in the grieving process. Your ex still has power over you and moving on will be extremely difficult. Take some time off from dating and work through the issues that are causing your emotional pain. Only when you have truly reached the point of accepting the divorce will you be ready to give your all to a new relationship. You Keep Choosing Your Ex Well not really your ex, but you keep choosing people to date who have many of the same qualities as your ex. It may be because that's the type of person you are comfortable with many years of marriage or could just be that what attracted you to your ex initially is still attractive to you. In either case, as you get to know this new love interest you begin to see things that remind you of your ex and you want to run. When this happens you need to take a step back and reevaluate what you are looking for in a date / future spouse. If you can't figure out on your own why you are attracted to people who are not a good fit for you then you may need to seek the help of a counselor to guide you through the process. There may be things from your childhood that are subconsciously influencing your decisions now. Continuing to date people who are just like your ex is most likely not a good plan for future happiness. Fear Of Failure Maybe you are afraid of another failed marriage. You're afraid that there is something wrong with you and you will never make a good husband or wife. Maybe you just don't think it's worth the risk of another divorce. I don't really have any sage advice if this is the case. I would suggest talking to your pastor or a counselor to work through your fears. It may also be that you're just not ready to date.   Wrap Up Click on the banner to the right or go to  facebook.com/survivingdivorcepodcast and join the conversation. You can support the podcast by starting a free trial with Audible.com here Please consider leaving a review in iTunes if you enjoy the podcast. It will help keep it visible for others to find it. If you’d like to discuss this topic you can leave a comment below and I’ll gladly join you.

The Pursuit Of Happiness Those of you from the United States are very familiar with the following quotation: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." If you're not from the US, or you have forgotten your history lessons from high school, this quotation is from the Declaration Of Independence. Our founding fathers got a lot of things right when they were birthing a nation and I am truly thankful for the freedoms I have and the sacrifices they made to secure those freedoms; however, research has shown that striving for ( or pursuing) happiness is not the best way to achieve it. In fact, research conducted by the University of California at Berkeley and the University of Denver indicates that pursuing happiness can actually damage personal relationships and lead to loneliness. My ex told me as we were divorcing that I couldn't make her happy and that God wanted her to be happy. I believe she was right on both counts. But I do not believe that God wanted her to find happiness through divorce. There is no way that I could make her happy. I don't have the power to make anyone happy. I can contribute to the overall happiness or unhappiness of another person by my words and actions but I cannot make someone happy if they are otherwise unhappy. Dr. Mark Epstein wrote in Psychology Today that happiness is the ability to receive the pleasant without grasping and the unpleasant without condemning." We tend to think that happiness comes when all sources of displeasure and stress are eliminated from our lives. But that just isn't true. Dr. Epstein also writes that "as adults we rarely come to terms with the fact that good and bad are two sides to the same coin, that those who make pleasure possible are also the source of our misery... However much we as adults think we have come to terms with the fact that no one can be all good or all bad, we are still intolerant of frustrations to our own pleasure." Happiness Comes From The Inside. We all know people who are able to roll with the punches of life and still maintain a positive attitude. We also know people who no matter how good things are they still want more. So why are some people perpetually happy and some never seem to find happiness? Those who seem to be happy all the time are usually those who focus more on the needs of others and less on themselves. On the other hand, those who never seem to be happy are often very self-centered individuals. Does God Want Us To Be Happy? Does God want us to be happy? Of course he does. He is a loving father and what father doesn't want to see their children happy. I have certain rules for my children that they don't always like. They can't see that by following these rules their lives will be better in the long run. The same is true with God. He wants us to be happy so he has set in place certain boundaries for his children that when followed will lead to a more fulfilled and happy life. Psalms 68:3 says "But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful." And Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 7:14 "When times are good be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other." We live in a fallen world so there will be rough patches throughout life. Our attitude is what determines how we will handle those rough spots. Paul writes in Philippians 4:11-13, " for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through him who gives me strength." Paul says that he learned to be content. Contentment comes easier for some than others, but it can learned.

How And What To Tell Children I received the following question a few weeks ago about how and what to tell children about the divorce. "Here's my problem. I am willing to do anything to save the marriage. I am willing particularly to go to marriage counseling. My wife refuses to go. Our child's therapist even asked my wife to go. She refuses to go so the divorce continues on. On the one hand I do not want to say anything negative about my wife to my daughter. On the other hand I do not want my daughter to think that I was willing, that I willingly gave up half of her life, half of my time with her. And I don't know how to express that to her to make her understand that her father is not another person who has decided to abandon her. That her father is not the person who has decided to give up time with her. I don't know how to say that without it in some way sounding negative about my wife. I don't want to indulge in the lie that so many couples say that the divorce is mutual. We're both decided to do this. We're both happy. This is something that is being completely forced upon me. So I'm wondering what recommendations you might have, how to deal with these conflicting ideas?" This question hits close to home for me. I was in a very similar situation. My wife wanted the divorce and I was doing everything in my power to save the marriage. Like your wife, she refused to go to counseling so I went on my own. When it came time to tell the kids, I did go along with putting up a united front because I was still hopeful she would change her mind and I didn't want to do anything to drive her further away. I covered for her for years before telling my side of the story to my kids. I have regretted this decision many times. It has caused pain and confusion for my kids that could have been avoided. Speak The Truth I have come to the opinion that the best thing to do is to just tell your kids the truth, but not necessarily the whole truth. For example, if your spouse is having an affair they don't really need to know, they only need to know that you don't agree with the divorce. You also need to adjust what you tell your children based on their age. A child of three has a different level of understanding than a child of seven, and a child of seven has a different level of understanding than a teenager. Children Blame Themselves Many children will blame themselves for their parent's divorce. This is normal but it is something that can be minimized if both parents reassure the child that this is something between mom and dad and has nothing to do with them. If you daughter has experienced feelings of abandonment before, which you allude to in your question, then this can be especially important. She may be inclined to think there is something wrong with her and you need to make sure she knows that is not true. Avoid Bashing Your Spouse You are right to want to avoid speaking negatively about your wife. She is, and always will be, your daughter's mother and your daughter loves her. You need to do everything you can to help your daughter maintain a healthy relationship with her. Some of the best advice I received from the DivorcCare material was that the truth will come out. You don't have to be the one to tell you daughter what really happened. Answer Her Questions Answer your daughter's questions as truthfully as you can without giving in to negativity. This can be difficult, especially with older children. They can sense when there is more to the story and will often probe to find out what it is you are leaving out. If you are faced with an overly inquisitive child, just reiterate that the divorce was an issue between the parents and some details are private. Let Her Know What's Happening One of the greatest sources of fear for children during a divorce is the uncertainty of how life is going to change. Try to give your daughter as much information as possible about how her life will be different after the divorce.