Surviving Divorce Podcast: Hope, Healing, Recovery, Personal Finance, Co-Parenting

My voice is still not back to normal so here is a replay of episode 14 : Budgeting For The Holidays

I am suffering from an allergy induced fall cold and my voice is not up to recording this week.   I am re-airing one of the more popular episodes from the past - Don't Let Divorce Define You.    

This week I had the great pleasure of interviewing Doug Terpening from the Life With Great Friends Podcast.  Doug is passionate about helping people develop authentic friendships that are not only good, but great. Doug can be found at www.lifewithgreatfriends.com

This week's topic is finding pleasure in the simple things in life

Rejection One of the most painful aspects about divorce is the rejection we feel. It doesn’t matter if you were the one to want the divorce or the one who was totally surprised by it. Rejection is part of the process. The rejection often starts long before the divorce is even on the table. It can often be feelings of rejection that actually start the divorce process in motion. For men, we can feel rejected in the marriage when our spouse chooses our children’s needs over ours. Not that men/father’s don’t love their children, we do. The issues arise when a wife is continually placing her priorities on the kids and has no energy or desire to keep the marriage healthy, a man will feel rejected. Women will often feel rejected when their husbands put work above everything else. Like kids, a man’s job is important but it can easily become a higher priority in his life than it should be. When he only comes home to eat and sleep, the wife will soon feel rejected. In cases such s these, the feelings of rejection may be a big part of one spouse wanting a divorce. There are also many instances where the relationship seems to be doing OK and then one spouse is blindsided by the other’s request for a divorce. This kind of sudden action brings about strong feelings of rejection. These feelings haven’t festered for years but show up as a result of a sudden action. One spouse having an affair will bring strong feelings of rejection to the faithful spouse. The feelings of rejection, betrayal and anger are so strong in these situations that they sometimes lead to crimes of passion. Just this year, a man stood up in a church and shot his preacher because the preacher was having an affair with the man’s wife. We can be rejected by mutual friends. Friends rarely stay neutral in a divorce, they will typically choose one side or another. This can cause strong feelings of rejection. Our own children can reject us, especially if they are adult children and perceive that one parent was primarily at fault. Children in these types of situations can and often do take sides. So, how do you deal with rejection? When you are feeling rejected, it’s often accompanied by feelings of anger, betrayal, depression, etc. These feelings only compound the issue. First of all, know that you are not alone. The feelings you are experience are normal. Virtually everyone going through a divorce feels rejection in one form or another. If you are the innocent party, don’t blame yourself. Determining where the blame lies in the breakdown of a marriage is seldom easy. There are usually plenty of things that each spouse could have done to improve the relationship. However, no one deserves to be cheated on, lied to, abused, etc. If you are feeling rejected because of your actions, it’s time to try to make amends. Some relationships may be beyond saving but others could be salvaged if you would simply apologize for what you have done and start fresh. Finally, if you are feeling rejected know that you are in good company. In Isaiah 53:3, part of a prophetic passage talking about Jesus, the Bible says “He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.” Jesus, the only perfect human to ever live, was rejected. He knows how it feels like and knows what you’re going through, He will be there for you even if it seems like nobody else is.

In today's episode I answer some listener questions.

Dealing with Sexual Temptation The topic of sex after a divorce is generally not spoken of very much. I recently received an email from a listener of my podcast so this gave me the push I needed to address this very delicate subject. The listener...

In this episode I discuss the fact that we are a product of our choices and that we can choose what our future looks like.

In this episode I answer a listener's question about obtaining custody after an adversarial start to the divorce process and why he pays child support when they have a temporary 50/50 custody order.  

Show notes coming soon Wrap Up If you need a little extra help getting through your divorce you can see the coaching packages we offer here Click on the banner to the right or go to  facebook.com/survivingdivorcepodcast and join the conversation. You can support the podcast by shopping on Amazon.  Just go to www.survivingdivorcepodcast.com/amazon and bookmark the page.  Then whenever you shop on Amazon just use the bookmarked page and I will get a small commission and it won’t cost you any more. Please consider leaving a review in iTunes if you enjoy the podcast. It will help keep it visible for others to find it. If you’d like to discuss this topic you can leave a comment below and I’ll gladly join you. And finally, if you have a question you would like me to address you can leave a message on the Listener Feedback Line at 347-433-7664 or email me at feedback@survivingdivorcepodcast.com

Saving a Marriage I received an email this week in which I was asked, “I think I am at the very beginning of the divorce process. My husband has mentioned that he is very unhappy. We decided to separate and I am aware that he has an inappropriate relationship with a younger woman on-line who lives far away. I believe he is going to visit her in the next month or so. He refuses to go to counseling which is very hard. I wonder if you might share some of what you did that first year after your ex shared with you that she wanted a divorce. You have mentioned you tried to save the marriage for a year and it didn’t work out and I’m curious about more of your experiences during that time.” I would be happy to relate my experiences, but keep in mind that my marriage ended in divorce. I think I did many of the right things but ultimately my wife was just too far down the divorce road to come back. So, what did I do when faced with the prospect of divorce? Well, the first thing I did was hit my knees. I had always considered myself a man of faith, but when faced with an upheaval like divorce I experienced the love of God like never before. He was there for me when no one else could be. The Bible says our faith is refined in the fires of life and my experience is that is absolutely true. I found a relationship with God/Jesus that I had only dreamed of before. I came to the realization for the first time in my life that the only person I can change is me. I can change the way someone feels by my actions. I can give them a reason to either like or dislike me but ultimately, I have no control over what anyone else does and this included my wife. So, I truly listened to what my wife was saying, maybe for the first time. I tried to work on the things about me that were causing her to be unhappy. There were some things that I did not agree with, but those I could change I actively tried to do so. I joined a Celebrate Recovery group at my church to deal with anger issues. This was an amazing experience that helped me come to grips with the fact that I was likely getting divorced. Working through this with a group of fellow Christians who were each dealing with hurts, habits or hang-ups of their own was a source of encouragement that I desperately needed at the time. In general, when guys are faced with a problem we want to fix it. Being trained as an engineer, that tendency is exceptionally strong in me. I poured myself into learning about relationships. I studied both what it takes to maintain a healthy relationship and what to do to try to repair a relationship that is damaged. I highly recommend “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters” by Willard Harley. There are worksheets in the books that, if you can get your Husband or Wife to participate, will give an idea of where you need to focus your attention. Since this husband in our question above is in an inappropriate relationship, I would also recommend “Surviving an Affair” also by Harley. Another good book is “When Love Dies” by Judy Bodmer. There are likely many other great resources out there. These are just some that I read and felt like they helped me. My advice to anyone suffering through marital issues is to learn all you can about what it takes to have a good marriage. Put what you’ve learned into practice in the hopes of saving your marriage. If you are not able to save your marriage you will at least be better prepared for future relationships and you will have the peace of The following links are affiliate links that will earn a small commission for the podcast but will not cost you any more.                   Wrap Up If you need a little extra help getting through your divorce you can see the coaching packages we offer here Click on the banner to the right or go to  facebook.com/survivingdivorcepodcast and join the conversation. You can support the podcast by shopping on Amazon.  Just go to www.survivingdivorcepodcast.

Show notes coming soon Wrap Up If you need a little extra help getting through your divorce you can see the coaching packages we offer here Click on the banner to the right or go to  facebook.com/survivingdivorcepodcast and join the conversation. You can support the podcast by shopping on Amazon.  Just go to www.survivingdivorcepodcast.com/amazon and bookmark the page.  Then whenever you shop on Amazon just use the bookmarked page and I will get a small commission and it won’t cost you any more. Please consider leaving a review in iTunes if you enjoy the podcast. It will help keep it visible for others to find it. If you’d like to discuss this topic you can leave a comment below and I’ll gladly join you. And finally, if you have a question you would like me to address you can leave a message on the Listener Feedback Line at 347-433-7664 or email me at feedback@survivingdivorcepodcast.com

Show notes coming soon Wrap Up If you need a little extra help getting through your divorce you can see the coaching packages we offer here Click on the banner to the right or go to  facebook.com/survivingdivorcepodcast and join the conversation. You can support the podcast by shopping on Amazon.  Just go to www.survivingdivorcepodcast.com/amazon and bookmark the page.  Then whenever you shop on Amazon just use the bookmarked page and I will get a small commission and it won’t cost you any more. Please consider leaving a review in iTunes if you enjoy the podcast. It will help keep it visible for others to find it. If you’d like to discuss this topic you can leave a comment below and I’ll gladly join you. And finally, if you have a question you would like me to address you can leave a message on the Listener Feedback Line at 347-433-7664 or email me at feedback@survivingdivorcepodcast.co

Children and Divorce: You Can’t Change Others A listener writes in with another question about adult children and divorce. It was a rather lengthy email so I will summarize it here. Mary writes: “I was divorced 6 months ago after a 3 year divorce p...

5 Rules For Dating After Divorce It’s been a while since I talked about dating so I thought I could revisit it this week. For some of you, dating is the farthest thing from your mind. You can’t imagine ever wanting to be in a relationship again because of the pain your last one has brought you. If there was a local chapter of the “He-man Woman Haters Club” You’d sign up immediately. But for others you can’t wait to get “back in the game.” Some of you even started dating before the divorce was final. The thought of being alone terrifies you. That brings me to... Rule #1: Don’t start dating too soon. We live in a couples-oriented society. Everything we do seems to be geared for couples. This is never more evident than in the weeks and months after the breakup of a marriage. The temptation is great to jump back into the dating game. You want to know that you still “have it” or better yet, you want to prove to your ex that you are capable of attracting the opposite sex. But there is a great danger on jumping back into a relationship too soon. If you haven’t taken the time to heal from your divorce, you will be bringing all the baggage from that relationship into your new one. This makes it very difficult to have a healthy attitude towards dating. If you feel like you need to be in a relationship, you will not be in a position to make wise decisions. You may find yourself settling for someone who really isn’t a good fit. It’s very likely that you will eventually realize you’ve made a poor choice and then you’ll have another failed relationship from which to heal. An extension of this rule is not to date anyone who is dating too soon. If you have only been divorces a short while, or worse yet, their divorce isn’t final, you are asking for a broken heart if you get involved. Rule #2: Know what you want. eHarmony has lists of must haves and can’t stands. I like to call them deal breakers. Whatever name you use, it is wise to go into dating with an idea of what you want. There should be some non-negotiables on your list. If you can’t stand smokers, don’t start dating someone who smokes thinking you can get them to quit. If faith is important to you, only date people who have similar beliefs. If you are a parent it may be wise to only date other parents. Your list will be unique to you, but you need a list. For me, someone who was never married or didn’t have kids was not an option. Likewise, I was only willing to date other Christians. Relationships are hard enough without having major differences to deal with. Rule #3: Approach dating with an open mind. Don’t have your list of qualifications so long that you will never find someone who measures up. The way to meet people seems to have moved to the internet. I met my wife through one of the online dating sites and we couldn’t be happier. She almost didn’t agree to a first date because my style of facial hair and the fact that I like motorcycling gave her the impression I was the rough biker type, and that couldn’t be farther from the truth. My point is that you need to develop a relatively short list of deal breakers, use that as a starting point, then go out and have fun. Don’t make hasty decisions about someone based on a photo or something they may write in a dating profile. Be quick to agree to a first date and then make a decision in person. Rule #4: Get counsel before dating. Talk to your Pastor of another trusted advisor before beginning to date. There are many factors that play into whether or not you are ready. Someone who knows you and can give you sound, reasoned advice may see something that you don’t see. They may tell you need to work on X, Y, or Z before you step back into the dating world. Rule #5: Don’t date if reconciliation is possible. Finally, if there is any chance that you can reconcile with your ex, you have no business dating. Even if it’s very unlikely, but you would take him or her back, don’t date.