The Ranches Podcast

Dominant vs. Non-Dominant – Podcast Episode 12

Perfectionistic vs. Non-Detail Oriented – Podcast Episode 11

Parenting To Your Child’s Personality – Podcast Episode 10

Conflict Avoidant vs. Conflict Oriented – Podcast Episode 9

Welcome to the “Raise Them Up” Podcast presented by The New Mexico Boys and Girls Ranches (The Ranches) Well, it’s prom season. For the kids at The Ranches, we don’t typically have a prom, but we do have opportunities to take them to events where dressing up and using our manners is important. Recently, we had a chance to take some kids to the Governor’s Ball presented by the Rotary del Sol club. While it sounds exciting, it can be intimidating and a little scary for the adults that are asked to attend and represent The Ranches. We also took it a step further by taking several of the kids to the ball. While the ball was exciting, the shopping was where the relationship was built. Taking kids, girls for my wife and boys  for me, to get an outfit is a true highlight. While the kids at The Ranches struggle with dressing up and often don’t feel like they “deserve” the opportunity, many adults feel the same way. With that in mind, we headed to the mall to find outfits. Finding a suit and shoes and tie took a little bit, but the results were more than worth it. Seeing young men emerge from the dressing room with a nervous look and then seeing that look replaced when they see themselves in a full length mirror is truly humbling. We talk about self-esteem all of the time, but these moments show us that our efforts to build self esteem, and to "Rekindle Hope," were not wasted.

Faith Welcome to the “Raise Them Up” Podcast presented by The New Mexico Boys and Girls Ranches (The Ranches) Faith is complicated for adults and can be for kids as well. I grew up in the church and have always had a foundation in faith. But as I grew older, I had to take a look for myself at what I had always accepted about God and faith. Starting out, I learned the very best parts of the Bible and of Jesus. Oddly enough, at about 13, I started to have some questions and some struggles about what I had always accepted. As I searched for answers, I was fortunate enough to have some people in my life that helped me to walk through my struggles, my doubts and, most importantly, my questions. What I learned was that my struggle was the church and not so much with Christ. As my wife is fond of saying, “We are not called to “act” like Christians, we are called to act like Christ.” Wise words. In truth, the church and Christians aren’t perfect. And neither are we. As parents, we have to teach our kids to seek their own answers, but we must also be willing to be a part of their journey. All too often, we “outsource” our children’s struggles and questions to others and to the church. It is much more effective to have the discussion with them ourselves. It will build the relationship and help the child on their quest to resolve their own faith.

Politics Welcome to the “Raise Them Up” Podcast presented by The New Mexico Boys and Girls Ranches (The Ranches) In today’s world, it is hard to avoid politics. With the current level of contention in the political world, and the ever increasing volume of young people making political stands, politics is harder than ever to avoid. Our current generation of young people have been raises to believe that their feelings and their opinions are valid and that they have influence over the adult in their life. They’re not wrong: young people have more influence than ever before. While it is an attractive option to just make a “no politics” rule in our homes, this rule doesn’t apply to everywhere else the they go. School, church, social media and TV are all actively influencing our kids and helping to shape their opinions. That’s a whole lot easier when we back away and choose not to be a part of THEIR conversation. While I have my own opinions and beliefs, this isn’t the place. I am just encouraging parents to embrace their own influence in their child’s life. Anything that we choose not to talk about with our kids becomes something that we are encouraging them to talk to others about. We can’t abdicate our role in our kids lives and then complain about those that chose to fill the void that we left. So, how do we engage our kids about politics? We  have to choose to be honest and know where we stand. For me, I try and take a hard look at the position opposite of mine so that I can present both side to my kids. I then explain where I fall on the subject. Once I’ve done that, I encourage them to do their own research and then come back to me so that we can discuss it. I also give them permission to disagree with me. I have found that I can also use politics as an opportunity to take a look at the Biblical references to the subjects I am discussing, If I’m being honest, my kids have influenced my opinion on things as much as I’ve influenced theirs.

Forgiveness Forgiveness is tricky. Every person I know handles and thinks about forgiveness differently. For some, going back to normal and disassociating from feelings altogether is their form of forgiveness, while others have to work through the issue verbally (sometimes several times) in order to “let go” of the feelings of being harmed. At the end of the day, forgiveness is difficult because we naturally want to protect ourselves from being hurt and from feeling like a fool. For “little things”, this can be simple. For bigger things, like failures of trust, it can be a whole lot harder and complicated. For me, I struggle with forgiveness when the the person that hurts me is one that I care about and that I don’t want to end the relationship with. Unfortunately, the fastest way to end a relationship is to fail to forgive. I, along with many others, mistakenly believe that if I hold onto my hurt and keep my guard up and don’t allow myself to fully trust the other person, it will keep me from being hurt again. This isn’t true, but it is hard to change the thought process. I struggle with it regularly. For me, failure to forgive is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It just hurts me, and I still do it at times. Forgiveness, in many cases, requires some boundaries and limits to be placed around the relationship. If the person you are attempting to forgive has no desire or plan of action for change, and no desire to be vulnerable to you to support and hold them accountable for that change, forgiveness can usually only come by ending the relationship. This way, you can “let go” without fear of a repeat. If the other person allows the relationship to take responsibility (both parties) for changing the behaviors and thought processes, forgiveness can occur as a team effort and relationship strength building exercise. Both parties must be willing though...and committed.

For the sake of this podcast, we will be defining family culture as “the way things are done around here.” Every family has a culture and that culture is different than any other family culture; even if there are similarities between families...especially within the same larger family. Some components of the family culture are how traditions are handled, church, eating, hobbies, activities, food, etc. Traditions are important in a family as they make milestones, such as birthdays, anniversaries and celebrations, consistent and valuable. Some families have Sunday dinner together, some go out to eat for birthdays, still others watch the Super Bowl together. (Gary watches soccer...so theres that) Church attendance can be a part of family culture and defines faith thought processes. Some go every week and some go at Christmas and Easter. Food is a part of most all cultures and family cultures are no different. Dishes that are favorites or special desserts all are a part of the family culture. Hobbies also help to define the culture. Hiking or cooking together or TV shows are all a part of the family culture and are important to those in the family. Lastly, decision making is a part of the family culture. Some families make decisions as a group while others rely on the parents and the kids just accept the decisions. Even within the decision making process, Mom or Dad may be the “final” decision maker. Kids learn how this works very early and come to rely on it. Changing the rules can create problems. In single parent homes, this is particularly difficult if the parent involves the children as they start thinking that the family is a democracy. In addition, a new step parent or even a new boyfriend or girlfriend can disrupt the culture of the family and have a big impact on the kids. While family culture is important, we aren’t here to judge or criticize the culture of other peoples families. We do, however, need to talk about it at times. Kids do well when they are able to discuss it and understand it. In a lot of families, “that’s just the way it is” becomes the only statement made about culture. It is more effective to discuss it though and to help kids to understand why it is the way that it is. Example: Cop family - the parent that isn’t a cop may have to make more decisions and be more involved as the police officer isn’t able to be a part of things as easily or answer their phone every time a decision needs to be made. This is how the family operates.

How To Say No To Kids Today – Podcast Episode 3

As parents, it can be difficult to navigate raising our children in today’s day and age. When I was growing up, a television was considered a luxury and we only had 3 channels (2 if the wind moved the antenna). I get it, I’m old now, but I still remember. My kids have grown up in a very different world. My kids have an almost unlimited amount of content available and it is available on demand and around the clock. In this day and age, how do we as parents, determine what is a “need” and what is a “want”? At its best, it is difficult. At its worst, it is overwhelming. While I can’t possibly offer a chart or picture that outline what qualifies as a need and what is more of a want, I can offer you, based on our experience at The Ranches, a glimpse of what young people actually need. The young people that we work with tend to be fairly specific about what they believe they need from the adults in their life. Someone who will listen without judging and offer advice instead of directives. Someone who loves them at their worst and someone who likes them at their best. Respect for their opinions and perspective, not necessarily agreement. Support with difficulties - such as school. Tools for success (Access to technology) and things I need to get done. Honest feedback. Someone who will stand up for me. Someone who will stand up to me. Someone who can handle anything that they need to talk about. Someone who wants to spend quality time with them…even when they push away.

Welcome to the “Raise Them Up” Podcast presented by The New Mexico Boys and Girls Ranches (The Ranches) We will be discussing young people, parents and the issues that effect both. I am the president of The Ranches and will be joined by my wife Lani (Vice President for Program Services) and Gary White (COO and licensed therapist). Many young people today are struggling to make sense of things and  and their parents are struggling, in many cases, right alongside them. We hope to discuss a wide variety of topics with the goal of supporting and encouraging kids and parents.