The Ranches Podcast

First and foremost, this isn’t for “alpha males” or “dudebros”. This is about why masculinity and weakness make a conflicted pairing. Men and those who take comfort in living on the masculine end of the spectrum have long struggled with “signs of weakness.” This is the label attached to all the actions, characteristics, feelings and circumstances that cause us to feel like less. To be vulnerable. To be weak. The “signs of weakness” serve to remind us to “man up” or to push through the pain and set weakness aside. To get back to being what others need. But why? Simple, really. First, and foremost, weakness causes those around us to treat us differently - not badly, but differently. Instead of relying on us, loved ones try to prevent anything that might highlight our new weakness or embarrass us in some way. Not bad, but definitely different. Secondly, as a man, I partially (mostly) define myself by masculine characteristics. The ability to provide for the people that I choose to love and the ability to physically and emotionally protect those same people. Weakness diminishes that ability and causes those that are used to the provision and the protection to have to alter how they live. They have to work hard to provide in my absence and feel less protected at the same time. This creates tension; even resentment. I realize that some will hate this explanation and some will say that this is why they are committed to ending what they label as “toxic masculinity”. I hate calculus but it’s still math and still holds true; despite my feelings. So, this Christmas, take a moment to appreciate those that work to provide and protect. They aren’t always as strong as they seem, but they’re always working to be strong for you. That’s the job. There is such a thing as “toxic masculinity” but providing and protecting ain’t that. Toxic is for alpha males and dudebros. Masculinity is for husbands and fathers and brothers and men of honor and faith. Merry Christmas to all the men that provide and protect. You are appreciated...even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Raising Kids with Boundaries When raising kids, boundaries are critical. Not just talking about boundaries, but living out our boundaries. If we want kids to always work hard, we have to show them that we are willing to work hard. By the same token, if we want them to put their phones aside during dinner, sometimes we have to show them that we are willing to do the same. This permeates every area of their lives. If we’re late to things, our kids grow up tolerant of their own inability to be on time; because we showed them that boundary (or lack of a boundary). As parents, we have to think about our boundaries and how we live the, as well as how we talk about them. Life is much easier when how we live our boundaries and what we say about our boundaries, actually match.

Structure, cleanliness and emotional calm make the weather for their experiences at home. Chaos rarely breeds comfort and kids “learn” to be either calm or anxious in the calm; and they learn it from their environment growing up. As parents, our job is to create the structure that allows kids to develop with as little stress as possible for them. The first step is routines. Kids need them and adults, particularly parents, need to work to establish routines that are predictable and consistent. Secondly, kids need to know the expectations that will allow them to succeed; both in school and at home. It is our job as parents to communicate these expectations. Consequences for not meeting expectations and rewards for working to meet expectation. Lastly, the environment needs to be conducive to the expectations. Calm, clean, smelling good and orderly are all soothing to kids and to adults. We must work to establish a positive environment for kids that supports their success.

The harder you are to communicate with as a parent (or boss) the more passive aggressive your kids (employees) get. I believe that most parents and bosses are familiar with passive aggressive behavior. Kids or employees that do what they’re told but not what you wanted. For kids, this is often manifested by doing chores very slowly or being literal with your requests. I remember when we told a particularly passive aggressive child to “clean out the refrigerator”. He said he didn’t understand and we responded with, “just clean it out!” Next thing we knew, he was sweeping all of the food, condiments and leftovers into a trash can. He did what we asked, but not what we wanted. Similarly, I recently read about a mom who collects all tablets and phones every night for all of her kids; even the kids in high school. While I can understand her thought process, I wandered if trust was something that she ever intended to teach. But the kids got together and figured out how to be passive aggressive; they set multiple, repeating alarms on all of the devices and then happily turned them in. Throughout the night, alarms made sleep for mom impossible. They did what she asked, but not what she wanted. This behavior is a byproduct of controlling authority figures. If there’s no “wiggle room” and not room to negotiate, kids start to look for ways to “control you back”. They have a lot of time to think about it and, as parents, we don’t always plan for it. My advice is to start early with trust and reward the trust when kids honor it. Ask yourself, “why do I provide a phone for them?” If you aren’t sure, then neither are they. I provide a phone for my kids so that I can communicate with them. Texts, calls and even emails fly back and forth. This is the value to me for the phone. The value to them is that they can communicate with people that aren’t me and do social media stuff and play games. Communicating with each other is the overlap in benefits. I am not a fan of being ignored. As a result, I answer my kids call unless I’m in a meeting that requires me not to interrupt or in a movie. If I can answer, I do. By doing this, I am showing them how I want to be treated by treating them the same way. I know that they occasionally get on their phones when they should be sleeping but so do I. I am looking to strengthen the relationship as opposed to controlling it. As a result, my kids aren’t terribly passive aggressive with me.

At The Ranches Holidays can be hard for kids. While not every kid has grief and loss to deal with, every kid that does have a significant loss, struggles during the holidays with the memory of better times; times that included the person that they lost. At The Ranches, the holidays can be a difficult and tumultuous time as kids wish for what isn’t and want for what cannot be. Our goal, during the difficult holiday season, is to create a few new and valuable memories while being a little more patient with kids whose memories remind them of their feelings of losing what was valuable and grieving the loss during this season. Adults are really just big kids and the same concept applies to adults that remember a better time and love of someone lost during the holidays. Certain songs can remind us of similar times with loved ones while certain smells, like fireplaces and pine, can trigger our most powerful memories and take us right back to our grief and right back to the traumatic feelings that accompany loss. My advice to adults is similar to my advice to kids: Get out there, despite how difficult it is, and make some memories that can compliment your previous memories and, with a little luck, dilute the grief just a bit.

Third in a three part series on politics. As parents the politics of our family really dictates a lot of the politics our kids believe going forward.

Second podcast in a three part series about talking to our kids about politics. What kids actually take away from adults when it comes to politics. A lot of times what kids take away from us is the reactions we don't think they see.

Our goal is to help people talk about politics with their kids because kids today are learning a lot by a conversation they're not even involved in.

Mean Girls  The Mean Girl behavior used to start in middle school but now it is starting  in 2nd and 3rd grade.

Back to School As we transition from summer to the new school year, it’s important to recognize that some kids handle the change better than others. Also, some kids enjoy the seclusion of summer while some relish the idea of more social contact.

Eye Contact Younger Kids For younger kids, eye contact is critical and has to be taught. I went as far as going forehead to forehead with my kids for important points - Discipline and Praise. - Heath Kull

Pain vs. Obedience, Respect and Performance Sometimes, as parents, we tend to focus on obedience, respect and performance of our children. While those things are important, we shouldn’t be so focus on them that we become blind to the pain that are kids are experiencing. Parents tend to believe that if their kids loved them, they’d obey, respect and do as told. Kids tend to believe that, if their parents loved them, the relationship and the child’s struggles would be more important than obedience, respect and performance. This same concept applied to moods.

Triangulation Triangulation is exactly as it sounds. If you picture a triangle and you are at one of the points and your child at another, whoever or whatever is at the third point is the subject of the triangulation. Could be parents or step parents Could be teachers Could be friends Could be issues Could be grandparents Could be siblings

Cooking with Kids Cooking is a great way to show kids that you like them and you like spending time with them while investing in theirs skillset. Find recipes until they have a favorite. Then have them make it for the family. You can love kids til the cows come home, but sometimes they’d rather have someone who likes them and wants to spend time with them than someone who loves them.

Forgiveness vs Gratitude Instead of getting stuck in an endless “sorry” loops, try replacing “sorry” with “thank you”. For example. Instead of saying “sorry I am late”, try “thank you for being patient and waiting for me.” Any change will cause loss and will be reacted to. Stick with it.