The Ranches Podcast

Accountability Spectrum – Podcast Episode 57

By Heath Kull Note: I have spent precisely ZERO days of my life as a girl. I was raised at a “boys ranch” in rural New Mexico and was surrounded by a seemingly endless stream of fresh male faces. None were the same but none too different either. My experience with girls comes primarily from being married and having 3 female children…and working with at risk youth of both genders. Growing up in rural New Mexico in the 70s and 80s wasn’t without its charm, but my childhood also didn’t come with much in the way of intricacy or nuance when it came to children. “Boys will be boys” and “sugar and spice and everything nice” were the prevailing thoughts about the genders and little more thought was attached. All of the kids that I grew up with were either “at-risk” boys living on a ranch at their families request due to behavioral issues or abandonment or neglect; or they were the children of the people who worked with the “at-risk” boys – “staff kids” as we were called; both boys and girls. Due to the sheer numbers of us, boys were prioritized and tended to get the majority of the attention. Despite the disparity in numbers, the girls and the women were a part of life on our campus and there was little to differentiate them from the rest of us males. Looking back, I can only imagine the feelings that the girls and women had about our little male-dominated oasis in the New Mexico desert. Oddly enough, I don’t really remember the issue being discussed openly, if at all. As a result, my views on girls and women were formed through my rather myopic lens and through a limited number of relationships with the opposite sex; that is, until we moved to a big city and I was enrolled in a large public high school. Going from a community of 70 to a school of 2000+ was a rather shocking experience. The things that remained the same for me were that “boys will be boys” and that I was still expected to take risks and somehow gloriously stand out while sheepishly fitting in. I did my best but rarely, if ever, felt that it rose to the threshold of being “good enough.” I just wasn’t good enough, but for who? I still do not know who I was striving to be “good enough” for, but I do know that I wasn’t enough and, in many cases, still tend to feel as though I don’t quite measure up to some unspoken standard. If I felt and still feel this way, I fear that I have more in common with girls and women than I have allowed myself to realize. I have also failed to be able to summon the courage to regularly try and put myself in the shoes of those girls and women that I am surrounded by in an effort to understand their pressures and fears. I failed to summon the courage until the choice was removed from me and I was forced to face what I had chosen to ignore. I had a capable, competent and beautiful wife and three capable, competent and beautiful daughters. I had to ask myself, “What are they facing? What are their struggles? Their fears?” Raising girls of my own – even with their mom being ever present in their lives – has been humbling, rewarding and terrifying in varying doses and mixtures. While I had expectations for them as a parent, I was not prepared for the myriad expectations that people feel that they have the right to place on girls with whom they have no relation or connection. “She seems or is…” “Too quiet” “Too loud” “Too big” “Too small” “Too tall” “Too short” “Too masculine” “Too feminine” “Too angry” “Too meek” “Too blunt” “Too timid” “Too agreeable” “Too disagreeable” “Too much” “Too decisive” “Too indecisive” “Too cautious” “Too cavalier” “Not enough” And the list continues, ad nauseum. So, what’s a girl to do? This is where things get complicated as there doesn’t seem to be a definitive answer. The women and girls that I know have both conquered and at times still struggle with expe...

They’re Not Looking for Signs That They Are Not Awesome – Podcast Episode 55

Moral Relativism – Podcast Episode 54

Back to School – Podcast Episode 53

By Heath Kull Many families today struggle to find a balance between being connected to each other and the hectic demands of today’s fast paced world. This is understandable as we are all busy and we all are seemingly attached to our smartphones and other devices on a fairly consistent basis. It is easy to be so connected to the information world that we, by default, become disconnected from those in the room with us; even when those in the room with us are our children. Despite the inevitable arguments that will be offered, I believe that our devices allow us to be in our comfort zone whenever we pull them up to our faces. I can hear the cries of, “that’s not my comfort zone! I need it for work!” already. The truth is though, that it is indeed our comfort zone. Our devices allow us information without interaction and, somewhat conversely, interaction without the messiness of actually talking to people on any terms other than our own. “Didn’t see your text” “Service is spotty” “Must have gotten stuck in my outbox” “I prefer to text message” All of these represent our ways of dictating the terms of interaction with others. I’m not sure that would work in real life and in face to face interactions. “I’m just going to ignore you while you wait for an answer from me to your question.” “Sorry. My hearing went out for a minute.” “I don’t feel like speaking to you anymore.” “Write down your thought and allow 5-7 business days for a response.” None of these are altogether plausible and all would be considered rude; or at least impolite if offered in person. (Obviously the second one takes on a far more sincere tone when uttered by one with hearing aides, but…) Like I said, devices allow us the opportunity to stay in our comfort zone. The only problem with that, though, is that it keeps us out of our growth zone. Growth is never really comfortable and being comfortable never really leads to growth. This concept is particularly true in families. Everyone can be in the imaginary world on their devices and quite comfortable while the relationships within the family cease to grow. I encourage all families to find a time for growth and allow some time for comfort. “Device free dinners” or “Device free game nights” can allow relationships to grow between those spending time together and allow a retreat to respective comfort zones after the activity. (And the adults can’t claim, “I need my phone for work!”) If families can learn to balance their comfort zones and their growth zones, the family stands to be more connected to each other and stronger as a result.

By Heath KullMost of us are familiar with the 10 commandments and are at least aware that they form the basis for both Judeo-Christian ethics and our legal system. And technically, they represent the first download from the cloud to a tablet. While they may seem old-fashioned to the younger generations, they are 10 rules that, along with the golden rule, have raised and sustained many of us throughout our lives. I try to follow them and also treat others as I want to be treated. For reference: You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make idols. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Honor your father and your mother. You shall not murder. You shall not commit adultery. You shall not steal. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. You shall not covet. While I am neither as wise nor as succinct as the Lord Almighty, I also have a 10 commandments…for parenting. I will make my children a priority and will work to never be “too busy” or “too tired” or “too anything else” to spend the time with my children that they need. As parents, we have to work to ensure that our actions and our priorities match. I will not model behavior for my children that I then punish them for. It can be easy to allow ourselves to act in a way that we feel that we deserve to act due to our age and accomplishments, but to our children, we are role models and they are always watching and even copying us. For them, it is confusing to get punished for acting like their parents.I will not express frustrations about my children to others as I will commit to expressing my frustrations directly to them. We don’t appreciate it when people speak behind our back and damage our reputations to others. Why would our kids be any different?I will set aside time in my schedule, no matter how busy I get, that is sacred and belongs to my children. It is easy to get busy, but kids need time with their parents that they don’t have to fight for, ask for or behave badly to get. This can be dinners or Sunday afternoons or whenever you can carve out the time. It just needs to be sacred to you and for them.I will teach my children to honor and respect me by honoring and respecting them. While demanding respect sounds like a good strategy, it usually doesn’t work…unless you’re willing to physically scare them. And is that really respect, or just fear?I will not kill my kids, or hit them in anger, or say things just to hurt them, or be a bad example of a human being for them. This one can be a challenge but shouldn’t be. If we treat our children the way that we want them to treat us, parenting gets a whole lot easier. I will not invest more time and energy in other people’s children than my own. Working at The Ranches can make this a challenge, but I am particularly committed to this one based on how I grew up. You can never teach your kids that you love them by prioritizing someone else’s child. I will always reward the efforts and accomplishments of my children. When our children were particularly young, my wife and I tended to “reward the slightest try.” As our children got a little older, we continued to acknowledge the effort and started to then celebrate the successes and the accomplishments. I will always be honest with my kids and teach them to be honest with me. Most people today tend to believe lies are OK if they’re in a situation where they fear a negative reaction from others or if the lie won’t really hurt anyone. I don’t accept this and have always strived for honesty in all situations - especially when it’s difficult.

Note: This isn’t an intellectual paper written with the expectation that intellectuals will intellectualize my intellect and reduce said intellect into shards of insecurity and shame. It’s just my view and my experiences. You can take it or you can leave it, but your - or anyone else’s - attempts at invalidating me and my experiences isn’t a part of my process. That’s all yours. I didn’t grow up in today’s Information Age. In fact, I grew up in rural New Mexico at a group home for “at-risk” children. My parents ran the place and I was just a staff kid who got in everyone’s way a lot. But I was observing and paying attention...always. When I was young, only boys were considered “at-risk” and, as such, I grew up at a boy’s ranch in rural New Mexico during the 70s and 80s. While I admit that it was a simpler time, I make no claim that the issues that I faced are to be easily dismissed as simple. I faced the same basic issues that kids face today, I just faced those issues without the internet, without “safe spaces”, without “gun free zones”, without political correctness, without warning labels on everything and without the fierce and ill-informed mob of internet “experts” and well-meaning  Christians hell bent on righting society’s wrongs and without social justice warriors cowardly labeling everything that they don’t like as something to be seen as awful. There was no “violent speech” or “political correctness” or “toxic masculinity”. We (society) made all of those up as a part of an agenda that doesn’t have the courage to do what all righteous agendas seem to do; honestly identify itself. This new agenda can best be described as the “woke” movement. “Woke” is yet another term that was born out of pop culture but every bit as fictitious as the other terms previously mentioned. As defined by Merriam-Webster – Woke: aware of and actively attentive to important facts and issues (especially issues of racial and social justice) As I was growing up, men were expected to be proud providers and protectors. Men were also expected to be self-sufficient; especially emotionally. In addition, men were expected to be good at a lot of things and exceptional at one or two things. Men were expected to be, or at least appear to be, unafraid. Men were expected to express their emotions with acts of service and courage for their loved ones; particularly women and especially their spouse. Contrary to popular belief, I was not raised with the expectation of not talking about my feelings. I was just taught not to talk too much about love, fear and emotional pain. Thankfully, having 3 daughters forced me to evolve past that commitment to shield the world and those around me from my vulnerability. Then along came “toxic masculinity”. This is another one of those made up, social justice terms with an origin that is less easily dismissed. Abusers, pedophiles, criminals, “alpha male dude bros”, malcontents, anti-socials and narcissists are all at the root of “toxic masculinity”. In reality though, these are such a limited and easily avoided part of the population that the term “toxic masculinity” had to be expanded and applied to anyone who isn’t, at worst, gender neutral and, at best, gender fluid. Eventually, the definition was simplified to just be a convenient label for those who aren’t “woke” Anyone who leans towards traditional masculinity or who is Christian or who admits that they, as Eric Church puts it, “Don’t like to fight, but ain’t scared to bleed” is labeled as being a purveyor of “toxic masculinity” and a barrier to society’s overall progress and success.

Overprotective Parents – Podcast Episode 49

Whatever You Are Not Changing, You Are Choosing-Podcast Episode 48

Healthy Ways to Avoid Conflict – Podcast Episode 47

Conflict Between Rules Results and People – Podcast Episode 46

Enemy of My Enemy is My Friend – Podcast Episode 45

Discipline – Podcast Episode 44

Socialism vs Emotional Capitalism-Podcast Episode 43