What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood

[sgmb id=”3″] Birthday parties: must we really? Every kid, every year? Can we skip the goody bags? Can we ban slumber parties now and forever? Is it possible to spend less than four figures on a fete for a four-year-old? In this episode we discuss ways to make birthday parties easier: stopping “The Great Crap Exchange” (Margaret will die on this hill) how to manage size of your guest list the right budget for a party  (with special dispensation for parties in the winter) the crucial-ness of the backup activity how Etsy can make your kid’s party Pinterest-worthy for less than a trip to Party City In the end, it’s Mom’s loving effort that will be remembered more than the result. Right? Amy sure hopes so, because this is the LEGO birthday cake she made for her 8-year-old (stop laughing)   and here is the Lightning McQueen cake Margaret made once (SHOW OFF). Here’s some interesting/helpful/horrifying links to further reading on this topic: more on Amy’s horrible baking skills but also the time she threw a kick-ass LEGO birthday party * Sarah Zhang for The Atlantic:  Blowing Out Birthday Candles Increases Cake Bacteria by 1,400 Percent * baby Leo pees on his first birthday cake * Parents Drop $40,000 For Toddler’s Birthday * Rookie Moms: 5 Tips for a Cheaper Third Birthday Party Thanks to everyone who entered our SmartyPants Vitamins giveaway on our Facebook page! Your birthday party worsts were truly horrible- so bad we turned them all into haikus.  In addition to featuring them in this episode,  we’ll be sharing them on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram over the next two weeks, with identities obscured to protect the innocent. The winner of a SmartyPants Vitamins Family Pack, including their Men’s, Women’s, and Children’s multivitamins, is Heather! Enjoy some #smartyhealth!

[sgmb id=”3″] Every parent has a “how old is old enough to” question about her kids that keeps her biting her fingernails. And as soon as one of those questions is resolved, a new one crops up. This seems to us a parenting challenge that gets harder, not easier, as our kids get older. So we asked our listeners: what’s the “how old is old enough to…” question you’re currently struggling with at your house?  In this episode we discuss (and attempt to decide for the rest of eternity) how old is old enough to: walk to school go home alone from school babysit younger siblings ride bikes around neighborhood get a phone (here we both advise what our friend Ann calls the “StarTac 3000 approach”) go on a date and more. Our listener Donna says the answer to all of these questions is probably 12, what she views as the “golden age of responsibility.” But she then adds the caveat that her kids are 6 and 7, so that’s a bit hypothetical on her part. Donna, we’re here to tell you: all 12-year-olds are not created equal. And our Country Mouse and City Mouse lifestyles dictate different answers to these questions, as well. Margaret’s kids walk home from school alone before they’ve lost all their baby teeth; Amy’s kids have to go through puberty first.  In the end, of course the answer to any of these questions is “it depends,” and there are no right answers for all kids– only *your* kid. But in this episode, we lay out the factors that should and shouldn’t be part of your calculations (what definitely needs to be left out: what judgy moms will think of you). Some reading on the topic: Marion Franck: What You Need to Know About 6-Foot Trick-or-Treaters Lenore Skenazy’s freerangekids.com Exercise From the Dark Side, Margaret’s son’s YouTube genius-ness this New York Times article, which argues that when it comes to smartphones, later is better. This episode is brought to you by SmartyPants Vitamins! Do you love good ingredients, great taste and good works all-in-one? Do you loathe vitamin-y aftertastes and fish burps? Then SmartyPants is the multivitamin for you! They’re packed with multivitamins plus omega-3 fish oils, and stuff like extra vitamin D for the kids, and folic acid for moms.  Best of all, for every bottle sold SmartyPants makes a 1-for-1 nutrient grant to Vitamin Angels, helping expectant mothers and children in impoverished communities in fifty countries get the life-changing nutrients they need. Go to smartypantsvitamins.com and use the code SUMMER25 to get 25% off a bottle of Kids Complete Cherry Berry! Code valid through 7/31/17.          

[sgmb id=”1″]   Rule one of vacationing with kids: don’t vacation with kids. Oh, your tickets are already purchased? Then you’d better stock up on Ziploc bags. (Take it from a mother who’s needed a few.) We asked our listeners on our Facebook page for their packing essentials and got dozens of responses. In this episode we dig through them all– and also discuss what might be better off left behind. Here’s links to a few resources we discuss in the episode: SeatGuru, for checking your in-flight entertainment options before you get to the airport (although Rule Two of Vacationing with Kids is: Always Have a Backup). WorkFlowy, for easy packing-list-making. Do it once, keep it forever. Amazon Video and Netflix apps, both of which offer downloadable content (h/t to The Mom Hour: don’t start downloading fifteen minutes before you leave for the airport!) Don’t head off for your summer vacation until you listen! Did we forget anything? Let us know in the comments! Looking for the perfect gift for an anniversary, big birthday, baby shower, wedding, graduation, you name it?  A Boombox is an absolutely beautiful keepsake box filled with custom designed and printed photos and messages of love from friends and family.  It’s the ultimate DIY gift for anyone with a big heart who hates scrapbooking. Be a hero! Give a Boombox! Shop the collection of gorgeous boxes at www.boomboxgifts.com, and use the code podcast for 10 bucks off at checkout! 

[sgmb id=”1″] Does messy matter? In our kids’ rooms, in our front halls, in our kitchens? We’re not talking about hoarder-level mess; we’re talking about the tendency toward entropy and chaos in any house with multiple children who play two travel sports and/or bring home backpacks brimming with loose slips of paper every afternoon. Margaret’s house is pretty messy, and that stresses her out. Amy’s house is pretty neat, but keeping things that way stresses her out. In this episode, we talk about how to manage both our household chaos and our expectations around it. We discuss: why keeping the toy room too neat may stifle your children’s creativity the value of a decorative box the importance of (once in a while) going “back to one” why making beds is either the most important thing you can do OR the biggest waste of a daily minute Here’s links to some further reading on the topic that we also discuss in this episode: Laura Vanderkam: The Magic in a Messy Playroom Alison Gerber for Apartment Therapy: Dirty Little Secrets of Tidy Families Gretchen Rubin: Drowning in Clutter? Observe the One-Minute Rule also Gretchen Rubin:  what she’s found to be the most popular happiness-making resolution ABC News: Study Says Tidy or Messy Environment Can Impact Decisions and Behavior Lauren Cunningham for Her View From Home: I Keep a Clean House. Can We Still Be Friends? We want to hear from YOU for an upcoming episode! What’s the “how old is old enough to…” question you’re struggling with at your house?  Maybe it’s how old is old enough to get a phone… or how old is old enough to babysit…. or how old is old enough to walk home from school alone. Tell us in the comments- or click on the gray microphone on the right sidebar and leave us a Speakpipe message!  (photograph by Sue Barr)

Out of all the things we stress about as parents, whether to let our seven-year-olds quit the violin seems like it shouldn’t matter that much. If they wouldn’t have made first chair in the Vienna Symphony anyhow, what difference does it make? But letting our kids quit— or making them tough it out— gets at the very crux of parenting: pushing our kids enough, but not too much. Directing their young lives, but letting them find their own paths. In this episode we discuss: the crucial difference between quitting and “non-re-upping” the importance of “dabble-level” activities for little kids finding the “less-intense alternative” for older kids the times that it’s okay to let kids quit the times that you need to push them through. As Dr. Angela Duckworth, the esteemed “grit” researcher, put it: “Don’t let them quit on a hard day.” Here’s links to some further reading (and some viewing) on the topic, most of which we discuss in this episode: Nina Sovich for WSJ: When To Let Children Quit Delia Lloyd for Brain, Child: Should You Let Your Child Quit? Amy Wilson (!) for New York Family: Finding the Optimal Push KJ Dell’Antonia for NYT Well Family: Raising a Child with Grit Can Mean Letting Her Quit Melaina Juntti for Men’s Journal: Six Signs Your Kid Should Quit a Sport Angela Duckworth: Grit: Perseverance and Passion for Long-Term Goals HBO’s documentary State of Play: Trophy Kids This episode is sponsored by Blinkist. Read all those non-fiction books you’ve been meaning to get to in 15-minute “Blinks” on your laptop or phone. You can read, listen– or both! What Fresh Hell listeners can try Blinkist for free at bit.ly/WFHblinkist.  Keep leaving us those ratings and reviews on iTunes— you’re helping our audience grow. Thanks! 

When it comes to mom-yelling we hold these truths to be self-evident: never yelling is not possible; less yelling is desirable. Let’s be real: there are times when every parent’s got to yell. Here’s how Lisa Belkin put it in The New York Times: When all else fails, a few claps of oral thunder certainly show that Mom or Dad has had it, that humans can be pushed just so far, and this is what it looks like when you’ve pushed them too much. But although we might agree that a little bit of hollering has its place, we’d both like to do less yelling in our homes, due to two other unavoidable parenting truths: • The more you yell, the more you have to yell. • The more you yell, the more your kids will yell. In this episode, we discuss what we yell about, and then what to do about it. There’s usually an easier solution to what you’re yelling about than yelling, or at least a quieter one. Parenting expert Carolyn Dalgiesh, author of The Sensory Child Gets Organized, calls it a “workaround for the source of tension.”  In Amy’s house, for example, an extra set of toothbrushes in the downstairs bathroom cut the morning yelling by half. And sometimes we have to face the fact that parenting without yelling takes a little more effort than parenting with. As Margaret’s sister-in-law likes to say, Really saying ‘no’ means getting off the couch. Here’s some links to other takes on the topic we discuss in this episode: Amy Wilson for Redbook: Could You Go a Week Without Yelling at Your Kids? (spoiler alert: I could not) Hilary Stout for The New York Times: For Some Parents, Shouting is the New Spanking Sue Shellenbarger for the Wall Street Journal: Talking to Your Kids After You Yell Get ready for summer! Starting today through 6/1, new Winc customers receive $22 off their first month! It’s the perfect time to stock up on summer rosé for the sunny afternoons ahead! Grab your Winc deal here…

    Sibling rivalry: harmless rite of passage? Or everything that made you the neurotic adult you are today? The inevitable part of it seems clear. Dr. Ron Taffel says siblings are like lion cubs, born with an intense and innate need to tussle. But if that fighting it’s normal, it isn’t always benign. So when should a parent step in? And what works when she finally does?   Here’s some links that we discuss in this episode: *  from Anahad O’Connor for NYT Well blog: When the Bully is a Sibling * some good stop-the-quibbling advice from Dr. Sears: “ignore small, address big”  * from Peter Toohey for The Atlantic: Sibling Rivalry: A History Is the sibling in-fighting driving you batty at your house? Did you survive some memorable squabbling in your own childhood home? Tell us in the comments!

  What’s the WORST part of being a mom? We put out the call on our Facebook page and received an avalanche of responses, each deserving in its own very horrible way. In this episode, Amy and Margaret advocate for their own lists of Mom Worsts, and discuss: —whether that most classic of Mom Worst plagues— lice— can even compare to the daily, unending hell of preparing three meals per day —whether Flat Stanley (insert your child’s own anthropomorphized “classroom mascot” here) is perhaps the worst thing ever imposed upon motherhood, or if the pinewood derby is even worse —whether the “All-Family Stomach Flu” is the absolute worst Mom Worst of all (spoiler alert: when Margaret says she will not go into details – DO NOT BELIVE HER) Only one link this week: Amy’s own Mom Worst, as told to Parenting Magazine: An Aerial Disaster: One Mom’s Tale of Flying Solo with Her Three Children What’s your Mom Worst? Tell us in the comments!

  What’s the WORST part of being a mom? We put out the call on our Facebook page and received an avalanche of responses, each deserving in its own very horrible way. In this episode, Amy and Margaret advocate for their own lists of Mom Worsts, and discuss: —whether that most classic of Mom Worst plagues— lice— can even compare to the daily, unending hell of preparing three meals per day —whether Flat Stanley (insert your child’s own anthropomorphized “classroom mascot” here) is perhaps the worst thing ever imposed upon motherhood, or if the pinewood derby is even worse —whether the “All-Family Stomach Flu” is the absolute worst Mom Worst of all (spoiler alert: when Margaret says she will not go into details – DO NOT BELIVE HER) Only one link this week: Amy’s own Mom Worst, as told to Parenting Magazine: An Aerial Disaster: One Mom’s Tale of Flying Solo with Her Three Children What’s your Mom Worst? Tell us in the comments!

  Here’s what all parents can agree upon: Summer need not be another Christmas, one lasting for three full months. It’s okay- actually, it’s imperative– for our kids to be a little bit bored. The trick is to find the right balance between your kids having too much to do and nothing at all to do. Back in the 70s, kids could go outside after breakfast and basically ride their bikes until it got dark. But these days, if you want your kids to have the opportunity for unstructured fun, you have to structure their summers. A little. In this episode, we talk about: * how summer is for formative experiences- as long as said experiences are at least somewhat formed by the kids * why summer is designed for your kids to do things differently than they do during the school year * the virtues of Camp Grandma * whatever happened to summer jobs for teens? While half of teens had summer jobs in the 1980s (including us— hello, Baskin Robbins?) less than one-third do now, according to a Pew Research survey (link below) * the summer slide: how to fight it without ruining everyone’s every single day * how we as a people must fight against the great shrinking summer. In Putnam County, Tennessee, the school year now starts on July 23rd. Stop the madness! * Why Margaret is just completely, fundamentally opposed to physics camp Here’s some links to two nifty products, and reading on some issues we discuss in this episode: Schoolhouse Rock: Multiplication Classroom Education (DVD) The Math Bus: Multiplication and Addition (CD) from Kingswood Camp: The Value of Down Time from Scholastic: 3 Ways To Prevent Summer Slide  from Pew Research: The Fading of the Teen Summer Job  from Time: American Teens Are Not Getting Summer Jobs  by Daphne Sashin for CNN: Back To School: Why August is the New September by Marjorie Ingall for Tablet: Phineas and Ferb: Dynamic Duo Is your summer too short? Too long? Do you dread your kids’ long lazy days ahead? Tell us in the comments below or on our Facebook page!

  Here’s what all parents can agree upon: Summer need not be another Christmas, one lasting for three full months. It’s okay- actually, it’s imperative– for our kids to be a little bit bored. The trick is to find the right balance between your kids having too much to do and nothing at all to do. Back in the 70s, kids could go outside after breakfast and basically ride their bikes until it got dark. But these days, if you want your kids to have the opportunity for unstructured fun, you have to structure their summers. A little. In this episode, we talk about: * how summer is for formative experiences- as long as said experiences are at least somewhat formed by the kids * why summer is designed for your kids to do things differently than they do during the school year * the virtues of Camp Grandma * whatever happened to summer jobs for teens? While half of teens had summer jobs in the 1980s (including us— hello, Baskin Robbins?) less than one-third do now, according to a Pew Research survey (link below) * the summer slide: how to fight it without ruining everyone’s every single day * how we as a people must fight against the great shrinking summer. In Putnam County, Tennessee, the school year now starts on July 23rd. Stop the madness! * Why Margaret is just completely, fundamentally opposed to physics camp Here’s some links to two nifty products, and reading on some issues we discuss in this episode: Schoolhouse Rock: Multiplication Classroom Education (DVD) The Math Bus: Multiplication and Addition (CD) from Kingswood Camp: The Value of Down Time from Scholastic: 3 Ways To Prevent Summer Slide  from Pew Research: The Fading of the Teen Summer Job  from Time: American Teens Are Not Getting Summer Jobs  by Daphne Sashin for CNN: Back To School: Why August is the New September by Marjorie Ingall for Tablet: Phineas and Ferb: Dynamic Duo Is your summer too short? Too long? Do you dread your kids’ long lazy days ahead? Tell us in the comments below or on our Facebook page!

      The study of birth order— how one’s placement amongst siblings can shape one’s personality— began in 1874, when Charles Darwin’s cousin noticed that eldest sons were overrepresented as members of the Royal Society.  In other words, sibling rivalry is survival of the fittest, playing out in real time right at your dinner table. Some say that assigning personality traits to an only child or a middle child is like reading a horoscope—the traits are vague enough it’s easy to assign them to anyone. But we are firm believers in the power of birth order. Amy is the oldest of six and annoys all those around her with her insistent list-making. Margaret is third out of four, and she says her car keys have to be around here somewhere. Recognizing the strength of these roles in our families is important because we can work against them— or inadvertently reinforce them— with how we parent. In this episode you’ll find out: * why oldest siblings love rules * why middle siblings are more able to change their minds * why younger siblings are such smooth talkers * how your own birth order affects what kind of parent you are And we also talk about: * how to tap the brakes on your oldest child’s intensity * why you should give your middle child the power of small-decision-making * why you should resist intervening on the youngest child’s behalf We can’t fully counteract the influence of these familial roles— nor should we, they’re not THAT big a deal— but awareness is a good thing. Let the middle kid pick what’s for dinner once in a while. Here’s links to some further reading on this topic: Ingela Ratledge for Real Simple: What Your Birth Order Says About Your Personality The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are by Kevin Leman, PhD Born to Rebel: Birth Order, Family Dynamics, and Creative Lives  by Frank J. Sulloway The Secret Power of Middle Children: How Middleborns Can Harness Their Unexpected and Remarkable Abilities by Catherine Salmon,  phD Enjoying these episodes? Share us on Facebook with the hashtag #trycast!

      The study of birth order— how one’s placement amongst siblings can shape one’s personality— began in 1874, when Charles Darwin’s cousin noticed that eldest sons were overrepresented as members of the Royal Society.  In other words, sibling rivalry is survival of the fittest, playing out in real time right at your dinner table. Some say that assigning personality traits to an only child or a middle child is like reading a horoscope—the traits are vague enough it’s easy to assign them to anyone. But we are firm believers in the power of birth order. Amy is the oldest of six and annoys all those around her with her insistent list-making. Margaret is third out of four, and she says her car keys have to be around here somewhere. Recognizing the strength of these roles in our families is important because we can work against them— or inadvertently reinforce them— with how we parent. In this episode you’ll find out: * why oldest siblings love rules * why middle siblings are more able to change their minds * why younger siblings are such smooth talkers * how your own birth order affects what kind of parent you are And we also talk about: * how to tap the brakes on your oldest child’s intensity * why you should give your middle child the power of small-decision-making * why you should resist intervening on the youngest child’s behalf We can’t fully counteract the influence of these familial roles— nor should we, they’re not THAT big a deal— but awareness is a good thing. Let the middle kid pick what’s for dinner once in a while. Here’s links to some further reading on this topic: Ingela Ratledge for Real Simple: What Your Birth Order Says About Your Personality The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are by Kevin Leman, PhD Born to Rebel: Birth Order, Family Dynamics, and Creative Lives  by Frank J. Sulloway The Secret Power of Middle Children: How Middleborns Can Harness Their Unexpected and Remarkable Abilities by Catherine Salmon,  phD Enjoying these episodes? Share us on Facebook with the hashtag #trycast!

    Not to toot our own horns or anything, but when it comes to disappointment, we’ve got vast experience. Amy claims an acting career is a surefire express route to let-down expertise; Margaret claims a screenwriting career might be even more useful.  And while we’ve still turned out quite nicely, thank you, that doesn’t make it any easier when we as parents have to help our children handle disappointment. We don’t want to coddle our kids. We know we can’t protect them from every moment of sadness and regret. But what’s the best way to help them through such moments? Dr. Jim Taylor explains what we as parents need to focus on– and it’s not the disappointment itself: Disappointment is a natural response to failure, but some children react to their disappointment in ways that increase the likelihood of more failure and disappointment. In this episode, we discuss: * why disappointments are developmentally important * why silence is the best policy, at least during a child’s “wet cat mode” * why “tantrums belong upstairs” is a useful household rule * why resilience and grit may be the most important traits our children need for success * why some kids take what Margaret calls “the brambly path,” and how to guide them (or not) And here’s some advice we talk about in the episode and find really useful: * from Nancy Star for the Washington Post: “The First Rule of Sports (and all) Parenting: Don’t Speak”  * from Renée Jain at gozen.com: Why One Kid Gives Up While Another One Does Not: A Visual Story * from Dr. Jim Taylor for Psychology Today: “Could Disappointment for Children Really Be Healthy?” * from edutopia.org, some resources on how to foster resilience and grit in our kids * from Bruce E. Brown of Proactive Coaching: why it’s never wrong to say “I love to watch you play” * from Margaret’s dad: “Never judge a crossroads.” Enjoying our podcast? Discovering a newfound love of the spoken word in your earbuds? Check out Audible, which is offering a thirty-day free trial for our listeners! audibletrial.com/whatfreshhell And give us a share on social media with the hashtag #trypod so others can find us. Thanks!  

    Not to toot our own horns or anything, but when it comes to disappointment, we’ve got vast experience. Amy claims an acting career is a surefire express route to let-down expertise; Margaret claims a screenwriting career might be even more useful.  And while we’ve still turned out quite nicely, thank you, that doesn’t make it any easier when we as parents have to help our children handle disappointment. We don’t want to coddle our kids. We know we can’t protect them from every moment of sadness and regret. But what’s the best way to help them through such moments? Dr. Jim Taylor explains what we as parents need to focus on– and it’s not the disappointment itself: Disappointment is a natural response to failure, but some children react to their disappointment in ways that increase the likelihood of more failure and disappointment. In this episode, we discuss: * why disappointments are developmentally important * why silence is the best policy, at least during a child’s “wet cat mode” * why “tantrums belong upstairs” is a useful household rule * why resilience and grit may be the most important traits our children need for success * why some kids take what Margaret calls “the brambly path,” and how to guide them (or not) And here’s some advice we talk about in the episode and find really useful: * from Nancy Star for the Washington Post: “The First Rule of Sports (and all) Parenting: Don’t Speak”  * from Renée Jain at gozen.com: Why One Kid Gives Up While Another One Does Not: A Visual Story * from Dr. Jim Taylor for Psychology Today: “Could Disappointment for Children Really Be Healthy?” * from edutopia.org, some resources on how to foster resilience and grit in our kids * from Bruce E. Brown of Proactive Coaching: why it’s never wrong to say “I love to watch you play” * from Margaret’s dad: “Never judge a crossroads.” Enjoying our podcast? Discovering a newfound love of the spoken word in your earbuds? Check out Audible, which is offering a thirty-day free trial for our listeners! audibletrial.com/whatfreshhell And give us a share on social media with the hashtag #trypod so others can find us. Thanks!