What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood

Anyone else feeling the stress of the summer countdown? It takes a lot of juggling to schedule ten weeks of summer freedom for our kids, and it’s not cheap, either. As a nation we spend about $18 billion on camps and other summer enrichments for our kids every year. That’s nuts. But left to their own devices, our kids will be on their devices. So what’s a parent to do? In this episode we discuss ways to keep your kids occupied this summer without spending a lot of money how to find the right balance of structure and laziness how to create screen-free environments in a world where there aren’t many Here’s where we come out: Plan something. Not too much. Mostly fun. Here’s links to research and other links discussed in this episode: Nancy Schatz Alton for Parent Map: Let Your Teen Be Bored This Summer M. P. Dunleavey for Time: The Unconscionable Cost of Summer Camp KJ Dell’Antonia for NYT’s Motherlode: The Cost of Summer Kelly Burch for Daily Worth: Summer Adventures for Kids That Won’t Break the Bank Heidi Mitchell for The Wall Street Journal: To Attract Campers, A Promise They Will Unplug Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi  This episode is brought to you by Annorlunda Books, which publishes short books: the perfect length for busy parents who miss “real” reading but don’t have the time, energy, or focus  for 400-page novels. Annorlunda’s publisher (a mom herself) got the idea when she found herself having to re-read the same chapter of her novel night after night. She discovered the shorter narrative arcs of ebooks, and a business was born!    Annorlunda Books inform, entertain, and make you think. (Amy just read Both Sides of My Skin by Elizabeth Trach– four beautifully-written essays on pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood– in two days, and really loved it.) Find your next read from Annorlunda Books— wherever e-books are sold, or at annorlundabooks.com.  What have you got lined up for summer? Are you as completely behind schedule as we are? Tell us in the comments!

We always figured “tween” was a catch-all marketing term for stuff with glitter on it. But since today’s kids are going through puberty earlier than ever, the years between 9 and 12 can be plenty rocky. And then sometimes stuffed animals still. It’s a mix. Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair, author of The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age, says it’s important that we parents not take our tweens’ sudden withdrawal as rejection: All too often parents personalize some of the distance that occurs and misinterpret it as a willful refusal or maybe oppositional behavior. In other words: sometimes tweens ask for love in the tweeniest of ways. In this episode, we discuss: how the way 9-11 year olds think actually changes from when they were younger the importance of establishing a new-ish relationship with what Juliann Garey calls an “updated version of your kid” how to read between the “get away from me Mom” lines and why Margaret says parenting is like building a boat Here’s links to research and other interesting takes on tweens that we discuss in this episode: Juliann Garey for childmind.org: 10 Parenting Tips for Pre-Teens and Tweens: How To Stay Close as Kids Move Into Adolescence and What Parents Should Know About Tweens John Mersch, MD for Medicine Net: Tween: Child Development (9-11 Years Old) … and if you haven’t already listened, here’s Amy’s interview with Katie Hurley, author of  No More Mean Girls: The Secret to Raising Strong, Confident, and Compassionate Girls.  This episode is brought to you by Flavanaturals. FlavaNaturals cocoa powder and chocolate bars are made from all-natural ingredients– and each serving contains 5 to 9 times the super-healthy flavanol antioxidants found in other dark chocolate.  Go to FlavaNaturals.com to learn more about the health benefits of flavanols and enter discount code FRESH for 20% off your next order. Chocolate was your weakness. With FlavaNaturals, it’s your strength! This episode is also sponsored by Prep Dish.  Prep Dish is a subscription-based meal-planning service that tells you what to shop for and what to cook in order to make healthy and delicious meals for you and your whole family. You’ll receive an email every week with a grocery list and instructions on how to prep your meals ahead of time. After a couple hours of weekend prep, you’ll have all your meals at hand for the entire week. Prep Dish offers meal plans that are gluten-free, paleo, and “super fast.” With Prep Dish, dinner is better, healthier, and faster– and What Fresh Hell listeners can get a free two week trial of prep dish by going to prepdish.com/wfh. It’s a no-brainer! 

We asked all of you on the show and on Facebook to tell us the small changes you’ve made in your lives (as parents and as, you know, just actual people) that have turned out to make a big difference. This episode is full of game-changing ideas for your home, your school mornings, and your sanity. In fact, you gave us so many good ideas that we’ll be recording a Part Two of this episode, and we want to hear from you! Tell us your small change/ big difference. Here’s all the ways you can talk to us: comment on our website comment on our Facebook page leave us a Speakpipe message (click the gray bar on the right side of our website) * tag us on Instagram drop us an email: info (at) whatfreshhellpodcast.com Thanks to all the listeners to contributed their terrific ideas to this episode! This episode is brought to you by Care/of.  Care/of is a monthly subscription vitamin service made from effective, quality ingredients personally tailored to your exact needs. You’ll get individually wrapped packets that you can grab and go each morning, and at a cost of about 20% less than similar brands at drugstores.   For 25% off your first month of personalized care/of vitamins, visit takecareof.com and enter the promo code LAUGHING. This episode is also brought to you by Flavanaturals. FlavaNaturals cocoa powder and chocolate bars are made from all-natural ingredients– and each serving contains 5 to 9 times the super-healthy flavanol antioxidants found in other dark chocolate.  Go to FlavaNaturals.com to learn more about the health benefits of flavanols and enter discount code FRESH for 20% off your next order. Chocolate was your weakness. With FlavaNaturals, it’s your strength!

We won’t lie to you- we probably spend more time than we should thinking about what we weigh. Which is, admittedly, variable. But while we think about what we weigh plenty when we’re unhappy with what the scale says, we spend even more of our bandwidth on it in order to get to the number we have decided is arbitrarily acceptable (and then fight a losing battle to stay there). Something’s not right about that. But we suspect we aren’t alone— especially among mothers, who have seen our bodies change forever with pregnancy and childbirth, and then never quite change back. What if we didn’t care? Okay: what if we cared just a little bit less? In this episode we talk about feeling good, and looking good, and how to maybe put a little bit of daylight between the two. Here’s links to some things discussed in this episode: back when Margaret was a runner, she ran without music. These Boston Marathoners have differing ideas about whether or not to run with your phone: Rebecca Harrington for The Cut: My Magical Week of Working Out With Jane Fonda from the “you have to see it for yourself to believe it” department: Angela Lansbury’s “Positive Moves: My Personal Plan for Fitness and Well-Being” This week’s sponsor, FlavaNaturals, is that perfect combination of good and good-for-you. You might have heard of the studies proving that flavanols, the phytonutrients found only in the cocoa bean, support brain function, heart health, and overall wellness. Consumption of cocoa flavanols has been shown to improve blood vessel function, thereby improving the delivery of oxygen and nutrients throughout the body.  But to match the flavanols actually used in those studies, you’d have to eat at least five typical dark chocolate bars per day— which, as Margaret points out, would be on the one hand delicious but might cause a few other problems.  FlavaNaturals cocoa powder and chocolate bars are made from all-natural ingredients. Each serving contains 5 to 9 times the flavanols found in other dark chocolate. And just as importantly, FlavaNaturals taste amazing.  Amy’s favorite way to #havaflava is some cocoa powder in her morning coffee. Margaret enjoys a dark chocolate FlavaBar for some guilt-free sweet-tooth satisfaction. It’s chocolate that makes you more healthy. What else is there to say? Go to FlavaNaturals.com today to learn more about flavanols, and get 20% off your order by entering the discount code FRESH.  Chocolate was your weakness. With FlavaNaturals, it’s your strength!

Per the Cambridge Dictionary, to bicker is “to argue about things that are not important.” Bickering is therefore unproductive by design- and as any parent can tell you the more trivial the thing their kids are arguing about, the more frustrating it is for a parent to listen to. So why do our kids bicker so incessantly? Are they actually intending to drive us batty, or is there more at work? And if parents are supposed to “just ignore it” until three seconds before the face-scratching starts, how can we sense the perfect moment to intervene? Professor Laurie Kramer, director of the Family Resiliency Center at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, says siblings bicker because they can:  “These are very safe relationships for children, so they feel they can argue and express their feelings without significant repercussions.” Margaret says it’s important to remember: we are the mediator, not the judge. Margaret’s father, who *is* a judge, would recite “Children Should Not Disagree,” a poem written by one Isaac Watts in 1715 , whenever his own children bickered.  It reportedly served as a somewhat effective deterrent, so you might want to give it a shot. Here’s links to some resources discussed in this episode: Amy Sutherland for the NYT: What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage Danielle Braff for Chicago Tribune: What To Do About Everyday Bickering Among Siblings Judy Arnall for Super Nanny: Sibling Rivalry Remedies Lisa Whelchel for Focus on the Family: Stop Sibling Conflict This episode is brought to you by ButcherBox, which delivers healthy, antibiotic and hormone-free meat directly to your door.  ButcherBox offers 100% grass-fed beef, free-range organic chicken, and heritage bred pork. Everything is frozen at its peak of freshness and sent to you vacuum packed on dry ice. And there are five different box types so you can choose exactly what you and your family will love. For free bacon (!), free shipping, and $20 off your first butcherbox, go to butcherbox.com/laughing and enter code LAUGHING.

How do you maintain the spark in your relationship when you’re both up to your elbows in dirty diapers, dishes, and laundry? Do you ever contradict your spouse about parenting decisions in front of the kids? How important is that whole “unified front” idea?  Even when the kids aren’t around, how do you handle true disagreements about how to raise them? We love this topic, which– like many of our best topics– was suggested by a listener. What would you like to hear discussed on the show? You can drop us a line or email us a voice recording from your phone- info@whatfreshhellpodcast.com. Or use the Speakpipe recorder right there on the right side of our website! Here’s links to some things we discuss in this episode: Erin Donovan writes about the six-weeks-postpartum doctor’s visit— when the “Gone Fishin’ sign” gets unceremoniously yanked off one’s still-healing nether regions— in her hilarious essay Dead Vagina Walking  Amy Sutherland for the New York Times: What Shamu Has Taught Me About a Happy Marriage Wendy Klein and Carolina Izquierdo for The Atlantic: The Difference Between a Happy Marriage and Miserable One: Chores Laurence Steinberg: The Importance of a United Front in Parenting, Especially When It Comes to Discipline Lisa Belkin: When Fighting in Front of the Kids is Okay The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (take the quiz online- Amy says it’s a great way to start a productive discussion with your partner) And if you can’t stand the thought of having another stupid fight about one more stupid thing, maybe it’s time to have an agreement in writing! I Love You, Sign Here is a super-handy, practical collection of 64 totally non-binding contracts for couples to address every scenario you and your partner might face, including:      The You’re Talking About Your Work Nemesis but I’m Just Hearing a Dull Buzzing Sound Contract The Whose Parents Are We Visiting this Holiday Contract * The Try To Maintain Your Hotness Contract How do you keep the love light burning? Tell us in the comments!

We’ve all done things as parents that, looking back, we can’t believe. Sometimes they are supermom-type accomplishments that defy easy explanation: did I really have three kids in diapers at the same time? Did I really get through airport security with those same three children, and unassisted?  Then there are the decisions that in retrospect seem foolish at best: did I really wake a sleeping infant every three hours? Did I also make a tiny sign to hang from the car seat, reminding strangers to wash their hands, as if it were a cartoon speech bubble coming directly from my baby’s mouth? We asked our listeners for their “did I really do that?” moments and got plenty of each version. In this episode we put them all on the table– and also interview two women who may or may not have done a few silly things themselves: Amy’s mom and Margaret’s Aunt Terry. Enjoying the podcast? Leaving ratings and reviews on Apple Podcasts helps us find new listeners. Visit our podcast page, then click View in iTunes, then Ratings and Reviews. Thanks! 

It’s the battle of the calendars! Margaret swears by her hardcover Book of Meg, but tends to forget a birthday party once in a while. Amy swears by her online systems,  until her phone takes the initiative of entering an event in Greenwich Mean Time. Neither system is perfect, but which is better? In this episode, we talk strategies for managing our families’ busy lives- and for handing at least some of that responsibility back to our kids. For a personalized, hardcover Book of Meg with the exact kind of pages she wants inside, Margaret uses Erin Condren Life Planners. For keeping the two hundred things she needs to remember later in a findable place, Amy uses two apps on her desktop and phone: Evernote and Workflowy. Kimberlee over at The Peaceful Mom has a great how-to post for Evernote newbies here, and Workflowy has an introductory video here. Other takes on this topic we mention in this episode: Michael Grothaus for Fast Company: What Happened When I Ditched My Smartphone for a Paper Planner Ferris Jabr for Scientific American: The Reading Brain in the Digital Age: The Science of Paper versus Screens  for handing some organizational responsibilities back to older kids: Smart But Scattered: Teens, by Richard Guare and Peg Dawson Today’s episode is brought to you by Evernote, the app Amy swears by for keeping soccer schedules, flight confirmations, blood types, and what-was-that-place-again at her fingertips and searchable wherever she goes. Evernote Premium lets you search PDF text, so even if you are more of a dumper than a file-er, you’ll always be able to find what you need within seconds. Get a free month of Evernote Premium with our affiliate code: bit.ly/evernotefresh. Have a product or brand you’d like to hear on the podcast? Email us at info (at) whatfreshhellpodcast.com and we’ll send you our (quite reasonable) rates!

Getting our kids to talk to us is never easy (unless we’re standing with car keys in hand, front door ajar, 15 minutes late for an appointment). Based upon empirical evidence, “How was school today?” is the most annoying question a mom could ever ask. So why bother trying? Because Jennifer Kolari, author of Connected Parenting: How to Raise a Great Kid, says getting our kids to open up is part of our job description: It’s our job as parents to help our kids sort through and process the things that happen to them during the day. “They don’t have the higher-order thinking to do it on their own yet. In this episode we lay out what gets our kids to talk–  at every age and stage. Margaret says you have to “talk the talk that arrives.” But Amy comes at it armed with research; if her ninth-grader wants to talk NBA draft, she’s ready to lean in. Both of us plan to work on what Marie Roker Jones calls “listening with the intent to understand.” Here’s links to some research and hilarious takes on this topic that we mention in this episode: Alice Bradley for Lifehacker Offspring: Stop Asking Your Kid About Their Day Marie Roker-Jones for Good Men Project: 10 Ways to Get Your Son to Open Up and Talk to You Clare Gagne for Today’s Parent: Age-By-Age Guide To Getting Your Kid To Talk from American Girl: Conversation Starters To Get Your Girl To Talk About Her Day (to our surprise, “What emoji best describes the day you had?” was a great question!) Liz Evans for Huffington Post: 25 Ways to Ask Your Kids ‘So How Was School Today?’ Without Asking Them ‘So How Was School Today?’ The Ungame   …and some perfect viewing for you and your teenager: Maddie Corman’s wonderful short film How Was Your Day? How do you get your kids to open up? Tell us in the comments! Here’s one way we get our kids chatting with us– cooking together. We’ve both been pleasantly surprised at how HelloFresh has turned dinnertime prep into something our kids love to participate in. We follow the easy (super-easy) directions, chop along together, and then we all sit down together as a family to try something new (and maybe even talk about it).  Get $30 off your first HelloFresh delivery by going to  hellofresh.com and entering the code mother30.

What’s the best mom advice you ever received? We asked our listeners and got a wide range of responses. Some aimed for the eternal perspective: The days are long, but the years are short.   Some were more practically applicable: Don’t ever bring a vomiting child into your bed. (Truer words were never spoken, Stacy.) In this episode break down the best advice we ever received for parenting babies, toddlers, kids and teens. Here’s one essay we reference in the episode: Jenny Anderson for NYT’s Motherlode: Seeing Tantrums as Distress, Not Defiance Thanks to everyone who contributed their mom words to live by! Announcing our next live show! What Fresh Hell is coming to The Theater at North in Scranton, PA (Amy’s hometown) on Thursday, April 19th.  The performance is a benefit in memory of Lindsay Doherty and will benefit the St. Joseph’s Center Baby and Children Pantry (one of Lindsay’s favorite causes). Join us for a night of many laughs and a celebration of Lindsay’s life! Tickets are available here.   

Musical instruments: must our children either be tied to a piano bench or forgo their dreams of the Ivy League? Must we battle with our children daily to make them practice, and then have to listen to fifteen minutes of what sounds like a dying moose? Experts say childhood exposure to musical instruments relieves stress (theirs), tones the brain for auditory fitness, even lowers kids’ risk of dementia seventy years hence. While that’s certainly playing the long game, all of our kids play instruments, and we’re here to tell you why yours should at least give it a shot. At least the recorder. Sorry about that. Here’s links to research and further reading we discuss in this episode: a picture of a bass clarinet, which Margaret promised as a visual appendix to her story of Clarice, the clarinetrix sports coach Bruce Brown’s terrific advice on the only thing you need to say after watching your kids perform: “I Love To Watch You Play” the Tiger Mom article that started the backlash against making kids spend three hours a day practicing (not that we were ever going to do that anyhow) Ten Reasons Why Everyone Should Learn to Play Musical Instruments Angela Kwan for Parents: 6 Benefits of Music Lessons Did you play an instrument as a kid? Are you glad you did? Tell us in the comments!

Are audio books cheating? Must every book our second-graders read feature Poopy Man and The Toilet King? Are reluctant readers doomed to fall behind their peers? Will Margaret or Amy ever read anything other than their Facebook feeds ever again? This episode is full of ideas to get everyone in your family reading– plus books your kids will drop everything to read. We love this “book traps” idea from our listener Nicole:  Find books in the library that seem like they might be irresistible to your child and place them strategically around the house so that your child stumbles upon them and feel like reading them was their own idea.  What about audiobooks? Is it counterproductive to let kids who struggle with decoding listen to their books instead?  Jamie Martin, assistive technology consultant for understood.org, says no:   Listening to audiobooks isn’t “cheating.” The main purpose of reading is to get information. It doesn’t matter what path that information takes to reach the brain. Here’s some resources for parents that we recommend in this episode: Common Sense Media’s lists of books for reluctant readers Amy Mascott for PBS Parents: What To Do When Your Child Hates Reading Susan Dominus, NYT, Motherhood Screened Off Linda Flanagan  for KQED: How Audiobooks Can Help Kids Who Struggle With Reading Mary Ann Scheuer’s Great Kid Books, a blog which recommendis books for kids from 4-14. Here’s books and authors that Amy recommends in this episode:  the Amulet series (graphic novels for grade-school readers) anything by Raina Telgemaier (graphic novels with heroines for grade-school readers You Wouldn’t Want to Be… series (real history with a dose of gross-out humor) the American Girl collection (the best you’re-growing-up books out there) What If? Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions (a perfect coffee table book. Irresistible for all ages) and a few audiobook series recommended by Amy’s 10-year-old daughter: A Series of Unfortunate Events The Incorrigible Children of Ashton Place The Mysterious Benedict Society and of course, Harry Potter, with hundreds of characters all voiced by Jim Dale. Here’s the books that have gotten our listeners’ kids reading. Thanks for everyone who joined in with ideas on our Facebook page!  Lauren: Pete the Cat, Wayside Stories from Wayside School  Maureen: Mo Willems Tracy: “Right now (8 years old) we are loving Super Rabbit Boy.”

We’d all love a school morning where everyone gets out the door without Mom  yelling or feeling stressed. And by “all” we mean all mothers. Our children seem blithely indifferent to all the hollering and pleading and bargaining we do each morning in order to make the bus– which means each day we have to do a little more of it.  Good times. Leigh Anderson puts it this way, for Lifehacker Offspring: “Getting kids out the door in the morning can go one of two ways: They wake up early and then dawdle, forcing a last-minute scramble, or they wake up late, forcing a last-minute scramble.” In this episode we talk about what works to get the kids moving and in charge of their own schedules. We love Leigh’s idea of creating a morning playlist: if “Yellow Submarine” is on, it’s time to be tying your shoes. Our other favorite tip– keep another set of toothbrushes in the downstairs bathroom!– is from Carolyn Dalgliesh’s book The Sensory Child Gets Organized. Here’s other tricks and tips we discuss in this episode: Amy uses these  5- and 30-minute hourglasses  to make the dwindling time until the bus arrives more concrete. (Beware: the 30-minute one can sometimes have the paradoxical effect of making the time left seem endless, at least to an 8-year-old.) The Time Timer is a less chic but equally effective visual reminder. Margaret has her son use a smart speaker to set his own timer. Margaret uses a dry erase board to remind her kids of what’s left on their morning checklists. Amy’s friend Susan uses this gradual sunlight alarm clock for her exhausted high-schooler. And if all else fails: put them to bed in their school clothes. Here’s how to handle the dinnertime madness: HelloFresh, which delivers weekly recipes and fresh ingredients straight to your doorstep. What’s for dinner? Open fridge, pull out bag, get to it. No planning, no shopping, no complaining. Your kids might even *HELP* because the directions are so snazzy. We are huge fans! Get $30 off your first HelloFresh delivery by going to  hellofresh.com and entering the code mother30.

Are your child’s most annoying traits disconcertingly familiar, because they are also your own? And are those qualities- anxiety, competitiveness, impatience, even hatred of loud chewing- baked in the cake? Or have our children learned how to be impossible simply by living with us? Ellie Grossman says when our kids are driving us nuts, it’s always best to look within for answers: The trick is to find our child’s greatest strength hidden inside his or her worst quality. The first step is to look at ourselves in the mirror. Where do you think our child’s mishegas comes from in the first place? Keeping this in mind, we also love Wendy Mogel’s writing about the “yetser hara,” that part of all children’s personalities that is both the source of all parental exasperation and the essential spark of our children’s greatness. Read more here: Emily Bazelon for The New York Times: So The Torah is a Parenting Guide?  Wendy Mogel, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Timeless Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children Special thanks to our listener Michelle for suggesting this topic! Do you have an idea for an upcoming episode? Leave us a comment below, send us an email, or click the Speakpipe on the right-hand edge of our website to leave us a voice message. This week’s episode is brought to you by Barkbox. Barkbox is a monthly surprise of dog toys, treats and goodies. Amy’s kids absolutely loved helping Marshmallow choose among the many delights in her “Knights of the Hound Table” themed shipment. What Fresh Hell listeners can get a free Barkbox when signing up for a 6 or 12-month plan (and support our podcast!) by using our special code: barkbox.com/laughing.

Mean girls: they’re a thing, and sometimes it’s *our* girls being the bullies. Experts agree that girls exhibit “relational aggression”  more than boys do, and  girls are also more deeply upset by it. Even more worrisome: mean-girl behavior used to start in junior high; now it starts in pre-K. Fear not: we’ve got tons of useful advice in this episode, particularly in our interview with Katie Hurley,  author of the just-published book No More Mean Girls: The Secret to Raising Strong, Confident, and Compassionate Girls. There is hope! As Katie explained: “Our daughters are not destined to repeat the things that happened to us… especially if we are talking to them about being empathic and being compassionate.” Start sooner than you think: Katie says the sweet spot for impacting your girl’s friendship skills is ages 8-10. Here’s links to some other research and resources discussed in this episode: A Way Through, a site created by female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner, helps girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships  Kelly Wallace for CNN: How Not to Raise a Mean Girl Our sponsor this week is Erin Condren, creator of the fully customizable Life Planner.  Choose your layouts, your extra pages, your colors, your cover. We love the look of everything this mom-owned business makes and we think you will too. Start designing your planner– and support our podcast at the same time!